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Yucks Digest V5 #17 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 1 Jul 95 Volume 5 : Issue 17
Today's Topics:
... And Yahoos.
... but never at dusk, never at dusk.
... they were the size of small cats, very big ...
[ceo@ftp.com: God's top-level domain]
A plan to abolish the Federal Communications Commission
Canadians, eh? [Hot rumor of the day...]
Digital's newfound profits
Fashion note.
FOR SALE: M60A1 Mani Battle Tank
FOTD
From the "It takes one to know one" file.
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.
Hackers may be vampires, but...
High risk sports...
I'd like to make one thing PERFECTLY clear...
IBM & Lotus
It ain't cool and payback's a monster.
JOTD (3 msgs)
Kato
MSOTD (Microsoft Slam Of The Day)
No slack at all.
Not paranoid, just careful
O.J. JOTD
Old bogeymen never die. They just team up together.
Phillip Morris
prison and work
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Speaking of portmanteaus...
The 4 F's
The jokes are too easy. We can only marvel.
The Programmer's Drinking Song!
There, I run rings around you logically!
There are things that a cow shouldn't say...
They were probably tempted by the money.
Tiger Tiger burning bright
Too much, or not enough?
Top Ten UNIX vulnerabilities
Turns out the Firewalls mailing list carries useful information.
Well, that about sums it up.
Woodpecker suspects identified!
You've Read Oedipus The King...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 09:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... And Yahoos.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: jonathan@canuck.com
Forwarded-by: cluett@canuck.com
[Origins unknown]
We asked you to help us rename the Information Highway, and boy, did you
ever! Rest assured that we'll forward all the suggestions to Vice
President Gore (electronically, of course) for his careful consideration.
Among the best suggestions were Algorebahn, Byteway, Gaianet, Baudway the
Uhura Turnpike, TOPGUN (Trans-Oceanic Pathway for GIFs, Usually Nudes),
Route 1000010, The 'Puterville Trolley, and Rufus.
The winner is Kevin Kwaku, who suggested that while the Information
Superhighway is a bad name, it could be a great acronym, standing for
"Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing,
And Transferring Information on National Systems, Unleashing Practically
Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wisacres, And
Yahoos".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 15:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... but never at dusk, never at dusk.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Small <chris@das.harvard.edu>
I drink it when I'm happy and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm
alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if
I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it -- unless
I'm thirsty.
-- Lily Bollinger, co-founder of one of France's greatest
Champagne houses, on her favorite beverage.
[Sounds like an ad for the Betty Ford clinic.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 20:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... they were the size of small cats, very big ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
New York, New York:
Workers in the Bronx are complaining that the cheap poison used by the
Health Department to control rats was worsening the rodent problem and
causing the pests to become "psychotic."
The rats are strolling into offices in broad daylight, sending horrified
workers screaming out of some buildings.
"I saw seven or eight scurrying from the main floor; they were the size
of small cats, very big," said John Owens, a worker at the Office of
Employment Services.
Health Department spokesman Sam Friedman denied that the city's
extermination efforts were making the rats crazy.
But the problem is getting worse now that workers are finding dead rats
in their drawers and file cabinets and the smell of rotting rodents is
filling the elevator shafts.
[Isn't living in NYC enough by itself to cause psychosis? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 95 15:10:02 -0400
From: "Alan (Trainable Ant) Wexelblat" <wex@media.mit.edu>
Subject: [ceo@ftp.com: God's top-level domain]
To: spaf
Date: Thu, 01 Jun 1995 12:01:31 -0400
To: nobody
From: Chip Olson <ceo@ftp.com>
Subject: God's top-level domain
This was posted on the Unitarian Universalist mailing list, after someone
made a funny post as GOD@HEAVEN.COM and the subject came up of what His
top-level domain should be...
>Nope, it's GOD@HEAVEN.COM for Catholics, GOD@HEAVEN.EDU for UU's, and
>GOD@HEAVEN.US for the Religious Right.
[Let's not forget God@Heaven.MIL for those in the Middle East. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A plan to abolish the Federal Communications Commission
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
A plan to abolish the Federal Communications Commission was proposed
earlier this week by the Newt Gingrich-affiliated Progress and Freedom
Foundation. If accepted, the plan, which is quickly gaining sympathy from
GOP lawmakers, would mean the termination of 75% of the FCC s 2200
employees by September, 1996. The proposed cutbacks would be accompanied
by massive deregulation. House Speaker Gingrich has recommended that the
FCC be phased out within five years, according to an aide. Larry Irving,
head of the Commerce Department s National Telecommunications and
Information Administration, assured the FCC that they don't believe the
agency should be abolished. In addition, the agency has gained the
support of the White House and other Democrats. In an unprecedented
private meeting held May 19, FCC commissioners discussed how the agency
should respond to the threats. According to one source, commissioners
decided to "do (their) job, do it well and let people know what (they)
are doing for the benefit of the American public." - Electronic Media
[Well, that should require a significant change in the day-to-day
routine.]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 1995 15:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Canadians, eh? [Hot rumor of the day...]
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: David Boyce <dave@advent.demon.co.uk>
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has recently been running ads for
a new brand of kitty litter called "Catch-It."
It looks fine in writing, but how long before someone at the CBC actually
*listens* to a broadcast and pulls the ad?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 95 19:30:02 EDT
From: cohenc@vbh300.us.dbisna.com (Caleb Cohen)
Subject: Digital's newfound profits
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From InfoWorld, 23-Jan-1995, page 114:
"And speaking of natural disasters, Digital Equipment Corp., in the
latest issue of its inForm magazine for VAX and alpha users, lists the tech
support order line as "800-DIGITAL [(800) 344-3825]." Of course the correct
letter-to-number conversion is (800) 344-4825. The 3825 number is a phone
sex service. Maybe that's how Digital posted a profit last quarter."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 11:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fashion note.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)
FASHION NOTE. Last month a Usenet posting said the Midas Group, Inc.
has formed a new business unit called Hi-Tech Apparel, which will
manufacture and market "clothing that will appeal to the on-line, cyber
community."
Whereupon an on-line cyber community member posted, "Umm....are you
supposed to be wearing clothes online? I'll be right back then..."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 06 Jun 95 20:00:58 -0700
From: mikey@slic.cts.com (Mike Shirley)
Subject: FOR SALE: M60A1 Mani Battle Tank
Newsgroups: sdnet.forsale,misc.forsale,ca.wanted
F O R S A L E
---------------
M 6 0 A 1 M a i n B a t t l e T a n k
Used, Good Condition, Low Mileage,
Needs Track Repairs, Paint, and
Interior Cleaning.
As seen on TV!
For further information: contact your California National Guarg
Armory or local recruiter.
[Yes, this would have be funnier if I had put it in an issue closer to
the actual news item (about the guy stealing the tank and going on a
rampage in CA). However.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
Subject: FOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Kurt J. Lidl" <lidl@Pix.COM>
(Found in alt.2600, from Ciaran Treanor: ciaran@broadcom.ie)
Flame of the day:
> GROW UP YOU LAMER. Also, may I offer my apologies for using the odd
> multi-syllabic word in this followup.
[Which multi-syllabic word was odd? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 May 1995 20:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From the "It takes one to know one" file.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
I refuse to be introduced to him and publicly deplore the warm hospitality
shown to this squirmy, smarmy, smirky, backstabbing liar.
-- Geraldo Rivera, speaking of Kato Kaelin
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@LAGAVULIN.PDL.CS.CMU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Jim Zelenka <jimz@cs.cmu.edu>
[Today's urban legend...]
It seems when Armstrong walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous
"One Step for Man", etc. statement, but followed it by several remarks.
It ended with "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Over the years many people have
questioned him as to what the "Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. Two weeks
ago, while answering questions following a speech, he finally responded.
It seems Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so he felt he could answer.
When he was a kid, he was playing ball. His brother hit a fly which
landed in front of the Gorsky's bedroom window. As he leaned down to pick
it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex, oral sex
you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 09:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hackers may be vampires, but...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@LAGAVULIN.PDL.CS.CMU.EDU>
When installing the keyboard, make sure that the keyboard is not exposed
to direct sunlight.
-- OPERATION MANUAL FOR KEYBOARD FKB4700 SERIES
(Digital AlphaStation 200 4/233 installation notes)
[And when disposing of the keyboard, drive a wooden stake through it,
right between the "G" and "H" keys. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: High risk sports...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: George Hartzell <hartzell@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: ahb@gene.com (Ann Benninger)
Forwarded-by: "David Giessler" <dmg@gene.com>
Forwarded-by: Greg Stovall <gstovall@cisco.com>
CHELTENHAM, England (AP) -- If you think hang-gliding, sky-diving
and big-game hunting are dangerous sports, apparently you've never heard
of cheese-rolling.
In the annual cheese-rolling contest here on Monday, 18 of the
approximately 20 contestants were injured -- four of them seriously enough
to be sent to the hospital.
And it can be a tough sport even on those seeking vicarious
thrills. One spectator who tried to get a better view fell down and hit
her head.
The annual competition, in which contenders vie for a giant round
cheese by rolling smaller versions down Cooper's Hill, left four
contestants with broken arms and legs and 14 other were treated on the
spot for sprains.
Among those who ended the day unscathed was Darren Yates, 15, who
won the big cheese.
Cheese rolling on Cooper's Hill hill is thought to date back to
pre-Roman times when it was a fertility rite heralding the return of
spring.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 17:12:22 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'd like to make one thing PERFECTLY clear...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: Edward Lopez <zed@apricot.com>
From: Kafka Dreams <kjc@asylum.sf.ca.us>
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 14:18:53 -0400
Subject: I'd like to make one thing PERFECTLY clear...
I am NOT telling you to
finger ticket-2678@enoc.barrnet.net | more
I'd like to categorically deny that I encouraged anyone to do this.
In fact, don't do it repeatedly to keep checking for updates every so
often as we add more information.
And for goodness' sake, DON'T tell all your friends.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 19:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: IBM & Lotus
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: sam@hyla.chez.sgi.com (Sam Leffler)
From: toms@sgi.com (Tom Stephenson)
Top 10 Reasons IBM is buying Lotus
----------------------------------
10. IBM Finance could not run their Visicalc spreadsheets in OS/2 Warp.
9. IBM wants to show Microsoft that they have better Antitrust lawyers.
8. IBM thought they were buying the auto company.
7. Lotus CEO Jim Manzi mooned Lou Gerstner on the Lotus Home Page.
6. IBM's own email product, ccProfs, never caught on.
5. It was the easiest way for IBM to acquire copies of Windows 95.
4. Bill Gates double-dared Low Gerstner.
3. Lotus Warp rhymes with basketball guard Otis Thorpe.
2. IBM will rename Lotus' spreadsheet program to 1-2-3.3 billion.
1. The Notes server in Armonk is down.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It ain't cool and payback's a monster.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
When the children of Israel came to the Sinai Desert, Moses took himself
up the mountain to have a chat with the Almighty. And the Almighty told
him, "Tell 'em that if they make a deal with me that they'll keep, it'll
be on the one with me always. Now you go and tell 'em."
Moses climed down from the mountain and told the elders of the people
what the Almighty had said and everyone said, "Yeah, that's cool. We
can deal with that."
And many days later, the Almighty came down with thundering and
lightning. It was a sight to behold. He gave them commands that would
help make the deal complete.
"I am the Almighty, your God, who brought you out of Egypt when things
were tough. Don't put anyone else before Me.
"Don't make any carved objects or things that look like what is in
heaven or below. And don't bow to these things like they are anything
heavy. Not ever!
"You shouldn't dis the Almighty's name, using it in cuss words or
rapping with one another. It ain't cool and payback's a monster.
"After you've worked six days, give the seventh to the Almighty."
(The Almighty made the heavens and earth in six days. He rested on the
seventh day and blessed it as right on.)
"You shouldn't be takin' nothin' from your homeboys.
"Give honor to your mom and dad, and you'll live a long time.
"Don't waste nobody.
"Don't mess around with someone else's ol' man or ol' lady.
"Don't go 'round telling lies on your homebuddies.
"Don't want what you can't have or what your homebuddy has. It ain't
cool."
The folks were scared out of their wits. They figured it was better
that the Almighty talked straight to Moses instead of them, 'cuz it was
just too heavy for words.
-- From "Black Bible Chronicles", a new version of the Bible
published by African American Family Press, in New York
City. In a forward to the book, Andrew Young, the former
mayor of Atlanta, writes that in order to be "truly
relevant" to young people, the Bible "must be in a language
familiar to their culture." The selection above is from
the book of Exodus.
[Will there be a surfer dude Bible anytime soon? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In Egypt, archeologists discovered the burial site of the 50 children of
Ramses II... Fifty Children! What I want to know is, who decided to name
a condom after this guy?
-- Conan O'Brien
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 19:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In The News: Sen. Bob Doll blames Hollywood for the nation's violence
and decline in morality:
"He says Washington must hold Hollywood accountable, Isn't that kind of
like Sodom checking up on Gomorra? " (Jay Leno)
"How humiliating it must be for Bob Dole -- taking political cues from
Dan Quayle." (Cutler Comedy Rock Network)
"He said if it were up to him, the name of the movie 'French Kiss' would
be changed to 'Firm Handshake.'" (Leno)
"Gotta hand it to Dole. Over 70, and still limber enough to bend over
backwards and kiss the right wing's butt." (Cutler)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 12:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.att.com
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
A: One of them will walk.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 18:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Kato
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
"The author of Kato Kaelin's book claims Kato thinks O.J. is guilty. I
find that hard to believe. I mean, Kato...thinking." (Jay Leno)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 95 20:18:55 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: MSOTD (Microsoft Slam Of The Day)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: mgr@aggroup.com (Mike Russell)
Microsoft: we turn practice into theory.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 17:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: No slack at all.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
From: frew@icess.ucsb.edu (Jim Frew)
Recent skyrocketing earthquake insurance rates prompted me to
scrutinize my new homeowner's policy more closely than usual.
I especially appreciated the following disclaimer:
Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike
act even if accidental.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 95 12:49:50 PDT
From: sbs@frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Not paranoid, just careful
To: pdh@cadence.com, ross@epic.com, asargent@hooked.net
> From amr Wed May 3 15:49:47 1995
> From: amr (A. M. R. Chary)
> To: builderdev, sbs, jey
> Subject: Not Paranoid, Just Careful
> Cc: amr
>
> The following is reported in PC Magazine under the above subject title:
>
> ...A U.S. military memo describes how they destroyed some secret data.
>
> "We used a triple-scrub overwrite technique normally reserved for
> processing classified defense information, followed by degaussing.
> The tapes and disks were then crushed with a crawler tractor and
> buried at the installation landfill, which is inaccessible to
> unauthorized personnel."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 13:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: O.J. JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Joke told recently in Judge Ito's's courtroom. One of Mr. Simpson's
lawyers approaches his client "I have good news and bad news," he says,
"Which do you want to first?"
"The bad news," Mr. Simpson says.
"The bad news is that it is yor blood all over the crime scene,
that the DNA proves it."
"Well, so what's the good new?" Mr. Simpson asks.
"The good news is that your cholesterol is only 130."
What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it, where,
how and to whom. Much to the chagrin of Mr. Simpson's lawyrs, it was told
by Judge Ito himself, in his robe, at the bench, to Mr. Cochran during a
break in the trial.
Source: New York Times, Monday June 5, 1995, page A8.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 10:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Old bogeymen never die. They just team up together.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Hollywood, California:
Old bogeymen never die. They just team up together.
It was hinted at near the gory end of 1993's "Jason Goes to Hell: The
Final Friday" and now it's true, GASP.
New Line Cinema announced Tuesday the studio plans to put teen traumatizer
Jason Voorhees of "Friday, the 13th" films against dream stalker Freddy
Krueger of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies.
The plot: The murderous fiends will battle for leadership of the powers
of darkness.
Who will win? Well, by film count alone, Jason has had nine and Freddy
seven. The movie is due out next year.
[I'd go see it if the two of them team up against Barney and the Care
Bears... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 08:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Phillip Morris
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Call for Phillip Morris: Bob Mills on the cigarette recall:
o "A spokesman sheepishly explained that somehow, a potentially harmful
insecticide found its way into the normal cancer-causing ingredients."
o "Some smokers actually preferred the defective cigarettes. They said
the dizziness gave their regular coughing spells a party-like quality."
o "Customers returning defective smokes are offered a choice: X-ray or
complimentary I.V. bags with the official Marlboro Country logo."
Adds Gary Moore: "Phillip Morris has so many so flawed cigarettes, it's
thinking about opening its own factory outlet.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 95 15:36 EDT
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: prison and work
To: spaf
From: Alan Buckwalter <alan@nyqsdsn1.eq.gs.com>
In prison, they spend the majority of their time in an 8-by-10 cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.
In prison, they get three free meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.
In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.
In prison, they are provided with clothing with an ID conveniently sewn on. At
work, I must wear an ID badge pinned on my clothes.
In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the doors
myself.
In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
At work, I must do any learning on my own time.
In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost anytime.
At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.
In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.
In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison, all expenses are paid by the taxpayer.
At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay taxes to pay
for the prisoners.
[So what are you trying to tell us, Alan? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 05:50:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
We'd like to set the record straight by singing of the newt
For newts are open-minded; they are flexible and cute
A newt can breathe in water and a newt can breathe on land
And if you are a different critter newts will understand
Newts are not mean-spirited; they never are unfair
Newts are not underhanded and are not afraid to share
Newts do not have bad haircuts because newts are lacking hair
But the newt called Gingrich drives all true newts to despair
Gingrich the Newt's a disgrace to the name
When true newts see him they feel so ashamed
He's the black sheep of the newt family
The one rotten fruit on the newt family tree
- from the song Gingrich the Newt, on the 1995 album Small Minds by the
geniuses of bluegrass, the Austin Lounge Lizards. The song honours
the prominent American politician Newt Gingrich.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 09:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
"Anybody who's spent any time with machines at all," he added, "and
baby, that's us all, knows first and foremost there's only one thing
certain about them, computer or bicycle. They go wrong."
-- Gibreel, in Salman Rushdie's novel The Satanic Verses
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 95 13:52:09 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Speaking of portmanteaus...
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: "Robert D. Poor" <r@rockmore.com>
From: sources unknown:
Did you hear that Broderbund was teaming up with ID Software (purveryors of
Doom). Together, they plan to produce "Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 14:17:51 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: The 4 F's
To: spaf
Forwarded-by: Akra@aol.com
> I don't think this originates with him, but a psychology professor of mine
> used to say something like the following in the neuropsychology section of
> his intro course:
>
> The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
> many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls
> the "Four F's":
> 1. fighting;
> 2. fleeing;
> 3. feeding; and
> 4. mating.
My memory must be going, I thought there were 5 of them:
1. Find 'em
2.
3.
4.
5. and Forget 'em
[If your memory is going, at least you're doing #5! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 13:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The jokes are too easy. We can only marvel.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: rob@plan9.att.com
We have a new world record. According to a letter in the 11 May issue of
Nature, the fruit fly Drosophila bifurca, a distant relative of D.
melanogaster, has typical sperm length of 60 millimeters, about 20 times
the length of the fly itself. This "poses a conundrum for evolutionary
biology", which holds that the male should spend his energy producing lots
of little sperm while the female produces a few big eggs. I quote: "to
manufacture giant sperm, males must develop very large, energetically
expensive testes. For example, the testes of D. bifurca are each 67mm
long and compress nearly 11% of a males total dry body mass." The letter
doesn't come to any conclusion about why; there are a number of theories
that conflict with the facts.
The jokes are too easy. We can only marvel.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 07 Jun 1995 08:40:17 -0500
From: wpwood@austin.ibm.com
Subject: The Programmer's Drinking Song!
To: spaf
This may have come from Yucks originally, but if so, I couldn't find it there,
so here it is (possibly again)
[.... Several levels of forwarding deleted ....]
OK, everybody sing with me!
Subject: humor (fwd)
From: "Jeffrey J. Gray" <jeff@che.utexas.edu> at Internet
Date: 5/31/95 1:22 PM
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 1995 10:52:03 PDT
From: Ivan Krsul <krsul@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: There, I run rings around you logically!
To: spaf
>From http://dcs.ex.ac.uk/~aba/rsa-bcode.html
Bar-coded version of perl-rsa
This may be useful if you need to ensure machine readability, for printing
on T-shirts or anywhere else if you feel like being more risque than just
printing the program text. A few people over in the US are thinking of
having this tatooed - for an export controlled torso :-) One useful
application for the tatoo idea (application contributed by Olaf Seibert
<rhialto@mbfys.kun.nl>) is that illegal immigrants in the US could get
the tatoo in place of a green card - ITAR would make it illegal to deport
them :-).
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: There are things that a cow shouldn't say...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: Mindy Baum <Mindy.Baum@khis.Kodak.COM>
Forwarded-by: Vuksa / Cassandra Leanne (COM) <u943535@student.canberra.edu.au>
From: Leighroy <u944079@student.canberra.edu.au>
FROM THE LEDGERS OF LEIGHROY
Though I've just given birth to a heffer
And of pride and of milk I am full,
It is sad to relate
That my tactical state
Was not brought on by a bull.
I have never been naughty, I swear it,
In spite of this calf I have born,
By Farmer Brown's tracter,
I am virgo intacta
And I've not had the bull by the horn.
How dreary the farmyard and the meadow,
The cowshed seems gloomy and grey,
But the one bit of fun
In the years weary run
Has by science been taken away.
I know that the farm is a business,
Where all of us must pull our weight,
But I'd pull and I'd pull
For a nicely built bull,
But get this phoney arrangement I hate.
It must not be thought that I'm jealous,
There are things that a cow shouldn't say,
But these A.I. tarts
Who handle our parts
Still get it the old fashioned way.
-- By a Disgruntled Cow
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 14:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: They were probably tempted by the money.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Three U.S. attorneys are accused of aiding the Cali Cartel. You have
to question what went on inside their minds to do something so sleazy.
How could these drug dealers stoop so low?
-- Alan Ray
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 14:10:49 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: Tiger Tiger burning bright
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Heard on the radio while driving hence the vague report :-
The fire brigade were called to a house in ??? to put out a pile of cuddly
toys. After a row between a 36 year old member of the guards regiment and his
22 year old girl friend she locked him out of the house and set fire to his
collection of cuddly tigers in the bedroom. This is not the first time the
fire brigade have been called to the house, last year they were called to the
house to free the girlfriend who was handcuffed to the bed. The boyfriend had
snapped the key after a steamy sex session.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 1995 20:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Too much, or not enough?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: questar@lucas.emi.com
Subject: Real Smart
Once again it is time for our annual school budget to be up for voting
approval. The signs are everywhere. Vote Yes or Vote No! But one sign
that I drove by yesterday seemed to tell the story:
-Vote No for School Budget
$38,000,000 is TO much for education!!!
Obviously, not enough if you ask me.
------------------------------
Date: 02 Jun 1995 12:44:06 +0100
From: alecm@coyote.uk.sun.com (Alec Muffett)
Subject: Top Ten UNIX vulnerabilities
Newsgroups: comp.security.misc
In article <3qinqr$atp@darkstar.UCSC.EDU> stephen@mendel.UCSC.EDU () writes:
>Can someone give me a list of the top ten UNIX vulnerabilities
>as an out of the box system.
* the mains power supply.
* the power lead.
* the power switch.
* the keyboard.
* not having a tape-drive to do dumps/backups.
* physical access to the machine by untrustworthy people
* the sysadmin who doesn't read the manuals.
* the threat represented by the network connection.
* the bugs systems software.
...and finally...
* the users.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Turns out the Firewalls mailing list carries useful information.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
From: rmck@sandfiddler.paragon-systems.com (Bob McKisson)
Subject: Re: 10 SECOND CISCO CLEAN & JERK (?)
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 10:17:22 -0400
> Fairly recently I saw a young lady break into a Cisco router in 10
> seconds,
Never been any doubt in my mind that a woman with a Black & Decker
power screwdriver and a fresh set of batteries is a serious threat
indeed.
["Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers." (quote from Leonard
Brandwine) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 18:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, that about sums it up.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands,
hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
-- H.L. Mencken
[Sounds good, except the spitting part. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 1995 16:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Woodpecker suspects identified!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jeff@uunet.uu.net (Jeff H. Snider)
Forwarded-by: "Louis A. Mamakos" <louie@uunet.uu.net>
Woodpecker suspects identified!
STS-70 SAREX Mission Postponed (Special ANS Bulletin)
The Space Shuttle Discovery mission, which was planned for a June 8
liftoff, has been postponed at least until July. Discovery is being
rolled back to the Vehicle Assembly Building hangar. Once there, it
will be inspected and repaired after some yellow-shafted flickers, a
type of woodpecker, pecked over 100 holes, some as large as 4 inches
in diameter, into the foam insulation of Discovery's brownish-red
external tank.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 95 19:30:04 EDT
From: jperry@cs.ucla.edu (John Perry)
Subject: You've Read Oedipus The King...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Now read:
Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
------------------------------------
Metamorphosis II
Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation,
this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The
few people who still felt any compassion for him are now
totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.
Taming of the Shrew II: Who's the Shrew?
The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherine's daughter
Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to
be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince
her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns
back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how
unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious
climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into
submission with an ax handle.
Huck Finn II
Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public
accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though
he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the
"barefoot bookkeeper". Jim leaves the Indians and gets his
law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are
up on a racketeering charge.
Lysistrata II
Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to
boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around
and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince
Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she
teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but
decide they don't like them. Eventually the men give in.
The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the
Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One
day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to
the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate
Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control
of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island.
The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when
they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it
up each time.
Undeath of a Salesman
Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His
hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life
as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to
go into professional football, where he becomes a big star
but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement
for nylons.
The Divine Tragedy
In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New
York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The
controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that
Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary
critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.
The Bible II
Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that
were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus
descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer.
Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and
when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular
gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------