[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V5 #15 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 24 Jun 95 Volume 5 : Issue 15
Today's Topics:
administrivia
... all this would have been avoided with better documentation.
... awakens the Wild Woman Within by reviving foraging instincts.
... by the inventor of the Weed Eater
... that the explosion occurred gradually over a ten day period
adb (yucks submission)
Add One To COBOL Giving COBOL
A Lazlo Letter to Newt
Bow before our massive news ejaculators.
Brothel-Less Brazilian Prostitutes Sue Madam
cutie
Evolution of the Math Problem
Excerpted WhiteBoard News for May 09, 1995
For those who tend to spill their coffee or tea ...
funny with credit card companies...
Get The Best Off The Net!
Invitation for an interesting holiday party
is there a baptismal font for X11?
I wish I'd known about this option while ... at Harvard.
JOTD (3 msgs)
Le Cirque d'O.J. (2 msgs)
Life is a toad
Microsoft aquires Microsoft Acquires
Natural consequence of chaos or just bad luck?
OK, but what about putting someone's eye out?
Oops! We missed Star Wars day!
QOTD
Quote of the day
Recipe Request
Simon says "You didn't say legible."
The long wand of the law (FWD)
Will she talk about the size of Clinton's wiener?
Ya gotta love that military terminology
You don't know Jack Schitt
Young man seeks rubbers
Yucks Digest V5 #13 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: June 24, 1995
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: yucks
Well, there hasn't been a Yucks Digest out since mid-May.
I've been incredibly busy, and things just don't seem to
be letting up. I need to get better about saying "no" to
interesting projects....
I have a backlong of over 900 items waiting in the queue.
I'll try to do a couple digests a week for the next few weeks
to cut it down some. I hope you're ready!
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... all this would have been avoided with better documentation.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Seen in comp.sys.mac.programmer.help:
Furthermore, in my mad haste to switch CDs, I dragged the Inside Mac
CD-ROM icon to the trash and when the Mac ejected it, the tray pushed a
glass of grape juice off my desk and into my lap. Let that be a lesson to
development tool vendors: all this would have been avoided with better
documentation.
-- Miguel Cruz <mnc@netcom.com>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 09:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... awakens the Wild Woman Within by reviving foraging instincts.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)
Examples of books recently written by writers and published by publishers,
who order their rejection slips in pads for when newspaper people send it
novels, and this just doesn't make a whole lot of sense:
-- The Teach Your Chicken to Fly Training Manual, by Trevor Weekes
(Ten Speed Press, 36(!) pp., $9.95). It's about building a practice
frame with little sylvan and urban landscapes, and a harness, to teach
your pet chicken to fly. The same publisher recently did a $5.95 book
of two pages of bubble wrap, barely three minutes worth of popping fun
and for $5.95 you can get a whole roll of the stuff at an office supply
shop good for maybe half an hour of staff meeting diversion.
-- The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide, by
Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf (Random House/Villard, 238 pp., $10).
Well, maybe this one has some useful data in it, like the news that talk
is oppressive during foreplay (the Antioch College Sexual Offense Policy
holds that it might persuade coeds to go further than if not coaxed) and
Zsuszanna Emese Budapest (the feminist witch, no kidding) says shopping
awakens the Wild Woman Within by reviving foraging instincts.
-- The Book of Vices, edited by Robert J. Hutchinson (Riverhead
Books, 280 pp., $18), a collection of short bits about the Seven Deadly
Sins. The excerpt from Flaubert's Madame Bovary on pp. 157-8 describes
a banquet layout which, if served to the boys on the bus in time for the
New Hampshire primary, would guarantee at least 11 minutes of primetime
news coverage for the host candidate, 309 newspaper endorsements and 54
convention delegates. It's under Gluttony for some reason; ought to be
in Lust.
-- Punchlines; How to Start a Fight in Any Bar in the World, by
David "Boom-Boom" Goines. It's another from those Ten Speed Press
people, and it's 1,919 walkoffs of common jokes for $5.95. No jokes,
just punchlines. The Reviews and Editorial Standards Committee enjoyed
No. 1,386, "And God says, 'Coppola! Coppola!!! I got to make a profit
on this thing!" and No. 1,051, "Yeah, but that fokker was a
Messerschmidt!" but collected only a plurality on No. 518, "The
brunette; the blonde would have to stop to ask for directions."
[I wonder if the flying chicken book has a punchline in the fight
book... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... by the inventor of the Weed Eater
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
The Love Formulas
Mega Link, Houston, TX, US
A serious study of romantic love by the inventor of the Weed Eater,
intended to assist people of all ages to understand, evaluate and
manage romantic relationships. Learn when and why you should keep
it going or cut it off.
http://www.sccsi.com/smg/love.html
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... that the explosion occurred gradually over a ten day period
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)
CONSPIRACY, OR AT LEAST HOBNOBBING. On the Internet, nobody knows
you're a dog but they can sure tell a paranoid by the way his ears perk
up. Latest dimension to the Oklahoma bombing thread is the claim that
there were two explosions at the federal building, suggesting something
that resonates with conspiracy theorists but which has yet to be
revealed to the rest of us.
An onliner posted last week, "Usually records from Oklahoma
geological survey observatory (keeper of the seismograph) are available
from Internet gopher. Today NO RECORDS AVAILABLE!!! for the 4/19/95,
and previous 10 days."
Came a reply, "So, what you're saying is that, while the OKC
bombing may look to the casual observer as though it all occurred in a
matter of a few seconds, an examination of records now missing would
probably suggest that the explosion occurred gradually over a ten day
period just prior to 9 a.m., 4-19-95. But of course."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 95 10:27:19 EDT
From: kclark@koan (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: adb (yucks submission)
To: spaf
echo '$a' | adb
[An oldie but goodie that many people may not have seen before... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Add One To COBOL Giving COBOL
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Small <chris@das.harvard.edu>
>From the ECOOP '95 (European Conference on Object-Oriented Programming)
tutorial schedule (http://www.daimi.aau.dk/ecoop95):
T13: Object Cobol
Instructor: Frank P. Coyle, Southern Methodist University
Level: Introductory
Duration: Half day
While object technology holds the promise of greater reuse and improved
software quality, companies are at risk when transitioning to any new
technology. For organizations with millions of lines of production COBOL
code and an experienced programmer base, the transition to both a new
methodology and a different programming language may be seen as an
argument for not abandoning structured methods. However, the recent
release of the Object COBOL specification by the ANSI Object Oriented
COBOL Task Group (OOCTG) and the availability of industrial-strength
Object Cobol compilers now provides an alternative for organizations faced
with the daunting task of introducing object technology into the corporate
culture.
This tutorial will provide an overview of Object Cobol, illustrating
through examples, how the data-centric approach of traditional Cobol has
been extending to include objects, classes, encapsulation, inheritance,
and polymorphism. The course will also provide a practical overview of
the current status of commercial Object Cobol development environments
including a comparison between the major vendors in this market-IBM,
MicroFocus, and Hitachi. After attending the tutorial, attendees will come
away with an understanding of what Object Cobol has to offer and be better
able to assess its role in the coming months and years.
Dr. Frank Coyle is on the faculty of the Computer Science Department at
Southern Methodist University, Dallas, Texas, where he teaches in the
Software Engineering Program. His interests are object-oriented languages,
knowledge-based software engineering and software testing. He is working
on a book , Object Cobol, soon to be published by SIGS Books.
[Keep this around in the event that anyone ever challenges you to produce
proof that there is a Devil. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 95 18:57:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: A Lazlo Letter to Newt
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: mgr@aggroup.com (Mike Russell)
From: the May 15 San Francisco Chronicle:
DEAR NEWTY: A LETTER FROM LAZLO
Lazlo Toth, who lives in Marin County and sometimes calls
himself Don Novello, is still waiting for a response to his letter to
Newt Gingrich, R-Ga. Toth wrote to the House Speaker in early April
to congratulate him on the first 100 days of the new Congress.
``Those were the days, my friend! You did it! Let me go and put on
a hat so I can take it off to you. . . .
``I, too, had a great 100 days, over the last hundred days or so.
I didn't do anything fancy, like not voting in term limits, but I got
a little bird-watching in, I did a little fertilizing, I put about a
hundred miles on my rake, and I painted my house. The house painting
took up almost the whole 100 days because of all the rain and because
I painted it camouflage, and it's a lot harder than just slapping the
paint on. . . .
``But it was worth it. The house came out looking great. From down
the hill you can hardly see it.''
Toth has received no response yet.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bow before our massive news ejaculators.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Kurt J. Lidl" <lidl@va.pubnix.com>
> Logfile covers 24.00 hours
>
> Hostname Offer Accept Pct Reject Pct Fail Pct
> TOTAL 4022104 3022714 75.15 917748 22.82 81621 2.03
>
> average article size is now a little over 3000 bytes, so:
>
> 3022714 * 3150 = 9,521,549,100 bytes!!!!!
>
> "We will crush your puny networks. Bow before our massive news ejaculators."
We have a new record for number of articles/bytes sent by a single machine
in 24 hours. It's a [fast machine with a faster OS], with 128MB of memory,
and a 80MB disk buffer cache. It also has the no-access-time update hack.
It's not totally busy yet.
Looks like we might get a total 2X performance win over a [slower machine].
Just FYI.
[Sounds like "Our country can out-pollute yours with toxic waste.
Nyaaah!" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 95 23:04 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Brothel-Less Brazilian Prostitutes Sue Madam
To: spaf
Rio de Janeiro - Five prostitutes are suing their former
madam for compensation because she sold their brothel in
Northern Brazil, a Brazilian magazine said.
The prostitutes are suing Maria Oliveira Barros for
$112,000, which includes holidays, notice period and overtime
pay for working nights. She ran the Cabare de Maria Boa, one
of the liveliest brothels in Natal, according to Istoe News
Magazine.
Barros, 74, wants to enjoy her old age in peace and quiet.
But she stands to lose one-fifth of her $562,000 real estate
deal if her former employees win in the courts.
[Wow! She's 74 and being screwed by 5 at once! Must be the water...
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 17 May 95 04:31:59 EDT (Wed)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: slerner@sesame (Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner)
There is a large group at Rockwell. Which site, and which project they
are working on is not important. At a large aerospace firm that does a
lot of contract work for the government, the project contract says that
the software source that gets turned in to the buyer must be written in
either FORTRAN or the assembly language for the given machine. The
engineers in this group prefer to do things in a more comfortable
fashion. They write everything in Pascal, which makes thing much
easier for them. They compile their Pascal programs, and test them,
run them, get satisfied with them. They then run the Pascal code files
through the disassembler, and send the buyer a nice long assembly
listing like the contract asked for. (Of course, there are no
*comments* in the generated listing!)
[I have heard of similar being done with c++ and Ada, too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 95 16:55 EDT
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: Evolution of the Math Problem
To: tgm@warren.mentorg.com, tk@research.att.com, daa@research.att.com, spaf
In 1960 "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?"
In 1970 (traditional math): "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words $80.
What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): "A logger exchanged a set L of lumber for a set M
of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element
is worth $1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements
of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains
20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset
of M, and answer the following question: 'What is the cardinality
of the set P of profits?'"
In 1980: "A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of
production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
underline the number 20."
In 1990 (outcome based education): "By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds
and squirrels feel?)"
- Extracted from "21st Century Science and Technology," Winter, 1993-4 P.12
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 17:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted WhiteBoard News for May 09, 1995
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hollywood, California:
"Art Fleming, the original host of the TV show 'Jeopardy!' has passed
away. Sadly, doctors ignored his request for help because it was not in
the form of a question."
Bill Maher, comedian, on "Politically Correct."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hollywood, California:
"It's a bunch of lies to say I once made love to Elizabeth 12 times in
one night. It was only eight."
Eddie Fisher, former husband to Elizabeth Taylor, commenting on Ms.
Taylor's newest biography.
[I guess that beats Maria Oliveira Barros. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 1995 10:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: For those who tend to spill their coffee or tea ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Bikini-style paper undershorts?
Called Brief Briefs by Brief Wear, the undershorts (in men's and women's
sizes) are being marketed to travelers who don't want to pack enough
underwear for an entire trip or wash clothing along the way.
They're cheap, comfortable and disposable. Toss them away, and each day
your suitcase becomes lighter.
But wouldn't you know it: The Japanese seem to be going one better.
Katakura Industries' newest panty, called Miracle Shorts, dissolve in hot
water. The Nikkei Weekly newspaper in Japan reports that when you dip
the knickers into hot water, they shred.
Nikkei warns: "For those who tend to spill their coffee or tea, an extra
bit of caution is advised."
According to Japan Airlines newsletter, however, the garments were
designed not for travelers, but for those women in Japan who might
be "squeamish at the thought of discarding old undies in Tokyo's --
required -- semi-transparent trash bags.
[Definitely not something for the Depends set... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 17:13:59 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX BLACK <REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG>
Subject: funny with credit card companies...
To: SPAF
This one's for the merry pranksters out in Yucksville.
About eight months ago I paid off a pernicious little credit card debt
that had hounded me like a rabid chihuahua for about three years.
The next month I received a statement saying I owed $0.07 (sic) in
interest payments. I checked my records and found that this must have
been a clerical error. However, not wanting to waste what would surely
be more than $0.07 of my time on the phone with the, uh, helpful and
friendly staff, I found seven very dirty-looking pennies in the bottom
of a desk drawer, taped them to a note that read "This is ridiculous",
and sent them, with the statement, to the bank.
Imagine my glee the next month when I received a statement from them--in
an envelope that cost $0.147 to mail--that showed a credit balance of
$0.07. I have received one of these little "thinking of you" notes from
this bank every month since, always exactly the same. I have, from time
to time, contemplated calling them about this. I did call them after I
initially paid off the card telling them I had just paid in full, and they
should cancel the card. They agreed that when the balance was zero on
their books, they would cancel the card. I guess that just never happened
somehow.
For those of you who have been treated like a doormat by a bank that
issued you a credit card, I offer this as a humble suggestion of how
you can get your money's worth.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:01:22 -0500
From: wpwood@austin.ibm.com
Subject: Get The Best Off The Net!
To: spaf
I found this ad in misc.forsale.computers.monitors. Something tells
me that this guy needs to learn something about advertising :-)
>From: plato@slip.net
>Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.monitors
>Date: 9 May 1995 01:02:13 GMT
>
>Buy The Best Monitors At Great Values
>
>World renounced Monitors by CTX
^^^^^^^^^
>
>1451C 14" Non-Interlaced .28DP ES.........$270
>1462ES 14"Non-Interlaced .28DP................$320*
>1462GM 14"Non-Interlaced .28DP................$325*
>1562GM 14"Non-Interlaced .28DP................$360*
>1565GM 14" Digital Non-Interlaced .28DP.$370*
>1765GM 14" Digital Non-Interlaced .28DP.$630*
>1785GM 14" Digital Non-Interlaced .26DP.$710*
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 14 May 95 19:44:41 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Invitation for an interesting holiday party
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel_Steinberg@opcode.com (Daniel Steinberg)
St. Walstan's Eve Barbecue
All Day Long
May 29, 1995*
Bring food and drink if you are so inclined, especially something for
yourself for the grill and any other kind of meals you would like to share.
We'll supply some paper cups and plates, JW Bobbitt Video, and the King
Missile CD.
*For those not raised in the Christian Faith and without the Bollandists'
field guide to hand, the water from St. Walstan's Well at Bawburgh, Norfolk,
restores lost genitals in both man and beast. Not that we are suggesting
this is a problem.
[Sorry I didn't get this out in time for those of you in need
of some ... recovery. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 13:28:35 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: is there a baptismal font for X11?
To: spaf (Yucks List)
|Colorado Springs, Colorado:
|
|A Jewish mother just wanted her two children to come back with an
|appreciation for another religion. Instead, one came back "accidently"
|baptized, she said.
|
|Audrey Ausgotharp said she specifically told church members who invited
|her children to Sunday school that she didn't them baptized -- especially
|since she was aware of a 1993 lawsuit against the church alleging that
|children were coerced into disrobing and were then baptized.
Not having been there, I don't know what happened, but I do just
feel SO SORRY for someone who sends their kids off like that by
themselves.
"Oh, yes, I know we completely disagree on everything, and that
you currently stand accused of forcing children to do the one thing
I claim I don't want my children involved in, but here, take my kids.
"Oh, no, the fact that you're strangers doesn't bother me. No
receipt necessary. No, no hurry. Two hours, two days, after they
graduate college - whenever."
If there were Jewish televangelists, this woman would be BROKE.
No, she'd be $33,017,54 in credit card debt and living on welfare.
Or maybe she just wanted a babysitter. Who knows? I don't. I
*do* know that if I sent my kids off with Moonies, I'd expect to
see them lobotomized on a streetcorner. If I sent them off with
Krishnas, I'd find them in an airport, pretending to give away
hardback books. If I sent them off with Mormons, they'd come
back with 12 kids. If I sent them off with Earthlings, they'd
probably get mugged.
So she sent them off with Baptists. She expected to get back
lox and bagel tycoons?
-Miles
Join the BATF. Meet interesting men women & children and kill
them with military weapons, all without leaving the USA.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 18:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I wish I'd known about this option while ... at Harvard.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Cliff Young <cyoung@das.harvard.edu>
This is from Edupage:
STUDENTS SUE COLLEGE OVER COMPUTER COURSE
Two students won the lawsuit they brought against New York's Pace
University when an instructor for a beginner's course in computing
gave a homework assignment the students thought was too hard:
calculating the price of an atom of aluminum on Friday given such
information as the price of aluminum on Wednesday, the rate change
between the prices of the metal on Wednesday and Friday, the atomic
mass of aluminum, the value of Avogadro's number (6.02 X 10 to the
23rd power), etc., etc. The students handled their own case against
the university, and asked the teacher to answer such questions as:
"Do you this was a good choice for a beginning class?" The judge
decided: "Students are consumers. There is nothing holy or sacred
about educational institutions." (Wall Street Journal 5/9/95 A1)
I wish I'd known about this option while taking courses here at Harvard.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 14:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Le Cirque d'O.J.
"Andrea Mazzola's admission that she initially didn't recognize Simpson's name
drew two objections -- one from his lawyers, and the other from his
publicist." (Bob Mills)
"Judge Lance Ito asked Peter Neufeld to slow down because the court reporter
couldn't understand his Brooklyn accent. At one point, Ito thought Neufeld
was making an objection when, actually, he was hailing a cab." (Mills)
"The new Kato Kaelin diet plan is out. It's unique. You eat whatever your
friends have in their refrigerator
o o o
Adds Cutler Rock Comedy Network: "Some of these guys [talk show hosts]
make Limbaugh look like Barney. Come to think of it, a small color
adjustment can make Limbaugh look like Barney."
"Because of the baseball strike, and threats of future strikes, the "boys of
summer" will soon become "the boys of a couple of weeks in July". Dan McDonald
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Hollywood, California:
The FBI continues its search for John Doe No. 2, described as a heavy,
bitter, jobless drifter with tattoos. Anyone knowing the whereabouts
of Tom Arnold should call their local police.
-- Bill Maher, on cable's "Politically Incorrect".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
DNA EVIDENCE: Who you gonna believe? A few multi-degreed egghead
scientists or a rich, handsome, football player?
-- Jim Mullen's 'Hot Sheet' in Entertainment Weekly
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Le Cirque d'O.J.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
"Robin Cotton said DNA test show there's only one chance in 934 billion
that the Dream Team really thinks that O.J. is innocent." (Tony Peyser)
"It's not surprising the Dream Team remains unimpressed by irrefutable
statistical evidence. After all, what were their chances of having a
defendant with $10 million handed to them on a silver platter." (Bob
Mills)
"Johnnie Cochran still claims O.J. is innocent, that a South American
drug dealer did it. Now he's looking for that Juan in 170 million."
(Jenny Church)
"What stunned and saddened the jury was not the odds of 1 in 170 million.
It was the prospect of the defense calling all 170 million as witnesses."
(Church)
"Cochran is suing a fertilizer company for negligence in the Oklahoma
bombing. He may be the star witness. Watching him work for the last five
months, nobody doubts his expertise in fertilizer." (Argus Hamilton)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 09:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Le Cirque d'O.J.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Le Cirque d'O.J.
"The defense and prosecution have dramatically different DNA statistics.
Defense experts say the killer's DNA is shared by one in every 1,000
people. Prosecutors got it narrowed to either O.J. or a Mongolian sheep
farmer." (Kevin S. Healey)
"Johnnie Cochran tried cheer O.J. up by putting the DNA statistics in
football terms: 'Look, imagine that it fourth and goal. We need a
touchdown and the ball is on the 170-million yard line." (Jay Leno)
Only 11% of people in a new survey think O.J. Simpson will be found
guilty. [60% think he'll star in a new CBS TV show to be called MURDER,
HE GOT AWAY WITH.] (InterPrep(tm)
o o o
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on The Newt, Sens. Strom Thurmond and Jesse
Helms advocating abolishing the Department of Education: "They figure
that if their home states can get along without one, so can the whole
country."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 09:29:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: Life is a toad
To: yucks
Two guys were sitting at opposite ends of a bar.
The first guy squints down at the second, and then says
"You sound like you have a bit o' the brogue in your voice.
You wouldn't happen to be Irish, would you?". The second
guy replied "Yes, I am ... I was born and raised there,
then my family moved to the US when I was a teenager." The first
guy said, "Wow! So did MY family! We came to Wisconsin; how about
you?" The second guy replied, "Incredible! So did WE! You didn't
by any chance go to Washington High School in Madison, did you?"
The first guy said "YES! Yes I DID! I graduated in '74; how about
YOU?". And the second guy said "UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I GRADUATED IN
'74 ALSO!!!".
At this point, the bartender muttered to himself "It's going to
be a LOOONG night - the O'Malley twins are drunk again!".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 95 4:30:04 EDT
From: goodman@das.harvard.edu (Joshua Goodman)
Subject: Microsoft aquires Microsoft Acquires
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Microsoft aquires Microsoft Acquires
by Joshua Goodman
REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- MICROSOFT announced that it, like thousand
of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of Microsoft
Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in recent months
by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent announcements
have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year 1995, and the
Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today that they had
acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires" announcements.
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the
announcement, "Everytime someone puts one of those d_mned 'Microsoft
Announces' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me. This
should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny.
They're just not."
Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst Martin Sierpinsky,
believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be minimal.
"Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as 'IBM lays
off elves' or something." But another industry analyst, who spoke on
condition of anonymity, said "This spells the end of competition in
humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the entire
Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold into the
Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to acquire
exclusive rights to the Hackers Dictionary." David Wiborg said "I
don't think it's that significant. I think the 'Microsoft Acquires'
thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop poll of
'Rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes above
Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed."
Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Natural consequence of chaos or just bad luck?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: shel (Shel Finkelstein)
05/19 - SCIENCE COLLOQUIUM --
ECOSYSTEMS, CRITICAL BIODIVERSITY, AND CORPORATE SURVIVAL
J. Kaufman, Almaden Research Center
Sci. & Tech. Sem. Fri., May 19 10:30 a.m. Room: Aud. A
Bad things happen. Corporations fail, species die in mass extinctions,
and whole economies collapse. Are these miserable events an inevitable
natural consequence of dynamical systems evolving to the edge of chaos,
or do they just arise from global bad luck? Come to the colloquium for
the answer -- or at least for the doughnuts.
Host: T. Clarke
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: OK, but what about putting someone's eye out?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In a nationwide poll conducted by MCI to mark Mother's Day, Americans
recalled some of the best pieces of advice that their mothers had given
them:
"Have faith in yourself",
"You family is the most important thing"; and
"Don't run with scissors in your hands."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 95 13:52:39 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Oops! We missed Star Wars day!
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <cate3@netcom.com>
May 4th is a wonderful day, it's Star Wars Day.
May the 4th be with you.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Russia said it plans to (sell) nuclear technology to Iran. HELLO, IRAN?
Remember Chernobyl? Buying nuclear technology from Russia is like getting
Willie Nelson to do your taxes.
-- Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
In today's quote, American political columnist Calvin Trillin ruminates on
decafination:
"I don't see the de-caf operation taking place in a laboratory. I imagine a
building that looks like a gigantic tobacco shed. Dozens of caffeine
extractors are sitting at long tables, picking away with their tiny,
weirdly shaped tweezers. But what do they do with the caffeine they
extract? Is it just piled in heaps around Central American villages, like
so much coal slag? If so, isn't there a danger that village dogs might
sniff around the heaps and end up being awake for a year and a half?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 09:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Recipe Request
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-By: RVBaker@aol.com
Forwarded-By: rmast@fnbc.com (Russell Mast)
In the food section of the Chicago Sun Times, they regularly print
requests for recipes. Today, this one appeared :
I am looking for recipes for Western cheese livers and toasted chicken
fish.
Mrs. Olga Fokyercelf
Chicago
I think the Sun Times has one less summer intern by now.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 11:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Simon says "You didn't say legible."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
It took four months and three court orders for Phillip Morris to turn over
25 boxes of papers to ABC in the cigarette maker's libel lawsuit against
the network. The only problem was, all 1 million-odd pages were printed
in black on dark red paper, impossible to photocopy, and they emitted a
nauseating chemical odor, ABC says. The network asked a judge last week
to sanction Phillip Morris for the condition of the documents. Phillip
Morris is suing ABC for $10 billion over a "Day One" program that
suggested the company spikes its cigarettes with extra nicotine to hook
smokers. -- Hollywood Reporter
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 May 95 15:30 EST
From: snag@holli.com (Joseph Poirier)
Subject: The long wand of the law (FWD)
To: bob
>From: "Mitchell E. Gold" <goldm@rpi.edu>
>Reply-to: hellfire@math.okstate.edu
>
>Checking my old mail, I ran across this wonderful bit of legislative fluff:
>
> From the THE NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe, NM, newspaper, Monday 3/6/95
> Mark Oswald, staff writer, reporting in his column, Capitol
> Chronicle, on the current two-month New Mexico legislative session.
> =====================================================================
> During discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation
> concerning the psychology profession last week, Sen. Duncan Scott,
> R-Albuquerque, proposed an amendment. It says:
>
> "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's
> competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a
> cone-shaped hat that is not less than 2 feet tall. The surface of the
> hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.
>
> "Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a
> white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate
> crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand.
> Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony
> regarding the defendant's competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously
> dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."
>
> Usually, anything proposed by Scott - whose hard-core conservatism is
> like cod liver oil for the Senate's Democratic majority - goes
> nowhere. But his wizard-hat amendment was warmly received and passed
> by a voice vote. It is now part of Sen. Richard Romero's psychologist
> bill, as the measure moves to the House.
>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 11:05:10 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Will she talk about the size of Clinton's wiener?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: Shoptalk 5/11/95
"Some Like 'Em Short: A newstease that made Yero the Ceramicist prick up
his ears at 6:10 AM Tuesday: 'Stay tuned for 'Mornings on 2' -- we have
Gennifer Flowers on President Clinton," by Ross McGowan...
Also Tuesday morn, the book-flogging Ms. Flowers with Terry McGovern on
BayTV, which brought a four-poster brass bed into the studio because she
once said that's her favorite piece of furniture. 'Feels like home,' she
purred. sinking into the feathers and holding her wrists together in a
handcuff position...
The bee-busy Ms. Flowers also did Ronn Owens, of course (KGO-AM). Before
her arrival, a caller asked Ronn (heavvins, the things that go out on the
air these days), 'Will she talk about the size of Clinton's wiener?' (see
title of today's column)." -- Herb Caen's Column in S.F. Chronicle
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 14:20:45 -0600
From: Carlos I McEvilly <cim@c3serve.c3.lanl.gov>
Subject: Ya gotta love that military terminology
To: spaf
>INTRODUCTION: The Air Force Armstrong Laboratory, Human
> Resources Directorate, Logistics Research Division (AL/HRG),
> invites white papers (proposal abstracts) including
> rough-order-of magnitude (ROM) cost estimate...
So is that rough-order-of-magnitude as opposed to
exact-order-of-magnitude, or as opposed to rough-
order-of-several-magnitudes?
------------------------------
Date: 12 May 95 11:05:00 -0500
From: Jason_Lansky-CJL033@email.mot.com
Subject: You don't know Jack Schitt
To: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Receipt Notification Requested)
"You don't know Jack Schitt...?
Now you'll know the rest of the story.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt,
the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt
married Noe Schitt and produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth.
Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt;
two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and
another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta
Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla
Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd
Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a
spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the
arrival of baby Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt!
(Hey, I didn't write it, I just re-typed it.)
...maybe I don't have enough to do around here?
[That's probably the case. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 95 4:30:01 EDT
From: bdm@cybernetics.net (Barry McGinnis)
Subject: Young man seeks rubbers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A young man goes to the drug store to buy a package of condoms for the
first time. He is, of course, somewhat bashful about the situation as he
asks the pharmacist for a package. The pharmacist, being an understanding
fellow asks, "Well, son, would you like a 3 pack, a 6 pack or a 12 pack?"
The boy stammers "Sir, what would you suggest?"
The druggist replies "Well, the 3 pack, that's usually what the high school
kids get - one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. And the
6 pack - that's what the college kids buy - 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and
2 for Sunday. And the 12 pack - that's what the married folks buy - one for
January, one for February....."
[Before I was married, I would have found this funny. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 09 May 1995 15:38:02 -0400
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V5 #13 (shorts)
To: spaf
You wrote:
>> [Pray tell, what do spiders on Zima do? --spaf]
Drive Isuzu Troopers.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------