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Yucks Digest V5 #14 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 17 May 95 Volume 5 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
(Old) JOTD
... imagine just exactly of what "Reckless Nudity" might consist
... so as to encourage the contemplative life.
[AHofmn@aol.com: RISKS of crawling through a cat flap]
Advice
Another boost for email.
A Southern Satan
FEMA
FYA: Exponent quote today
Good Advice o' the Day
Good To Know
gotos considered *really* harmful
Heat Is On In Britain
How about $20 and a two-drink minimum?
human sacrifice
If you ever do another Pentium roundup ...
It's all in the accent.
It's hard to disagree.
Larger Size
Letters we never did answer...
Let there be rain....
More hard-hitting, fact-filled journalism.
No Room Left
Overheard during morning commute to Berkeley...
Oxbridge on the march
Prince Philip Offers Tip On Pairing Pandas
QOTD (6 msgs)
Rocket Science for Dummies
Saves marriages, friendships -- maybe even LIVES!
Shotgun Surveys
Tactical deployment.
Take me to your lizard
The best shopping site yet on the Web.
The complete Pasta Theory of Software.
There's a religious message here, somewhere...
The Sweedish Sheef
Where the World Is Headed
while i'm in the neighborhood, maybe i just "pop" on by...
Who, indeed?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 14:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: (Old) JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Elan Amir <elan@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask
you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of
money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need,
so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working
Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand
son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the
boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went
to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father
in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his
father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well, Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely
ignored and the Future is full of shit."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 20:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... imagine just exactly of what "Reckless Nudity" might consist
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: John Shaver <shaverj@huachuca-emh17.army.mil>
Northwest of Tucson is the Reddington Pass Area. 20-30 years ago
this was a remote site and the location of a a nudist colony. A
small desert stream may run by during wet times. Recently the Tucson
Daily Star published a photograph of a group of male sunbathers.
The photo was courtesy of a helicopter and fantastic specimens were
not visible because of distance. It was rumored that the gentlemen
may have been engaging in pleasurable activities. Since that time
the Pima County Sheriff has announced that he will ticket "Reckless
Nudity." Ironically the requests for this action have come from a
group of people who are trying to get the Government interference
out of the rest of their lives.
Friends have tried to imagine just exactly of what "Reckless Nudity"
might consist. A lady nearby recalls the group of greeting cards
with obese ladies pictured on them. She thinks that that might even
be "Dangerous Nudity." In any case because of the rarified air
hereabouts, any kind of nudity will result in increased skin cancer
not to mention sun burn in places which you might not have imagined
possible.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 09:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... so as to encourage the contemplative life.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 94 15:44:31 -0800
From: The Annals of Improbable Research <marca@MIT.EDU>
"Book Review: The Nairobi Telephone Directory," by Tim Healey. This
reference work has been deliberately constructed so as to encourage the
contemplative life. Some, but by no means all, names are listed by
forename rather than surname. Alphabetical order is enhanced in new ways
(A,B,C,D,E,S,E,M,E,F,G,...). The Classified Section headings invoke long
chains of "see also" references, often ending with nonexistent sections.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 95 13:13:23 PDT
From: RISKS Forum <risks@chiron.csl.sri.com>
Subject: [AHofmn@aol.com: RISKS of crawling through a cat flap]
To: spaf
FYI. Not suitable for RISKS, but clearly appropriate for Yucks.
---------------
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 12:40:58 -0400
From: AHofmn@aol.com
To: risks@csl.sri.com
Subject: RISKS of crawling through a cat flap
This appeared recently in Big Issue, a popular German magazine:
One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're
flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or
humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of
Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after
using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by
firemen.
In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front-door
cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of
installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had
mislaid his keys.
Unfortunately, he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed
his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil
between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany Resurgent, an Essay
in Street Art. Please give Generously'.
Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only
when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed.
"I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very
clever!' and threw coins at me."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Advice
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.berkeley.edu (Lani Herrmann)
President Clinton was jogging past the Washington Monument the other day
when he heard a low voice say "Never tell a lie. Never tell a lie." He
continued jogging past the Jefferson Memorial. As he passed by he heard
"Read the constitution. Read the constitution." Thinking that he was
getting valuable advice, he continued jogging past the Lincoln Memorial.
Sure enough, he heard a third voice say "Go to the theater. Go to the
Theater."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 09:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Another boost for email.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Why are stamps adorned with kings and presidents? That
we may lick their hinder parts and thump their heads.
-- Howard Nemerov, contemporary U.S. poet
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 05 May 95 10:34:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <dkw0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: A Southern Satan
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
A friend of mine, David Reedy, came up with this one:
Q: What do you call a a redneck demon?
A: Beelzebubba.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 02 May 95 09:25:00 -0500
From: russ.wuertz@spacecoast-bbs.com (RUSS WUERTZ)
Subject: FEMA
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
How broadcasting goes through time? My electronic instructor said,
"Time never changes." I don't believe they really know why it is, but
it is a secret!
The Federal Building explosion... Some were warned and some were
not. The FBI were not at home that day! Many others where not there!
Time communications is such a secret that they did not want or could not
convince others that such a thing was going to happen. To prevent it,
they need to know how it happened and where the explosion took place.
Beside communicating through time, capitalists also can HEAR
thoughts. Hear thoughts robbed through time!
If you ever do find out, you will get the answer that YOU have
been told. But not too obviously. Old movies talk back and make
comments of our day hearing thoughts of viewers. Groucho Marks does a
lot of that. Photo phone they used to call it. RKO radio pictures,
but you have been informed in any case.
[Sounds like a Dan Quayle science advisor... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 11:58:29 -0500
From: young (Michal Young)
Subject: FYA: Exponent quote today
To: spaf
In the article on prayer at graduation, today's Exponent states:
"University officials have taken extensive care to offend members of a
diverse audience that profess a variety of beliefs." How true.
[The Exponent is Purdue's student newspaper. It has a history of
trying to screwup and offend without regard to race, religion, or
academic major. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 14:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good Advice o' the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ramon@research.att.com (Ramon Caceres)
In the New York Times, Wednesday, February 22, 1995, on a
list of security recommendations for novice computer users:
Do not leave your computer unattended while it is
connected to a network.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good To Know
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Linda Branagan" <linda@z-code.com>
>From the June 1994 edition of the United Stated Postal Service's
Publication 51, "International Postal Rates and Fees":
Special Handling [is] a service that is optional except when
mailing honeybees to Canada...
It doesn't list any other exceptions.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:21:13 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: gotos considered *really* harmful
To: spaf
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 10:06:48 -0400
From: rad@via.East.Sun.COM ( Bob Doolittle - Sun Parallel Open Systems)
To: silent-tristero
Subject: Re: Indirect perception
Along these lines, when I was at UC Santa Cruz (late 70s), we still had
some crusty profs who insisted that punched cards built character.
Since it was an ivory tower, the dogma of "goto's considered harmful"
was religiously taught. So some grad students decided that negative
reinforcement was needed, and modified the PASCAL compiler's listing
generator, so that upon detecting a goto statement it would generate a
full 132 columns of '-' characters, followed by a carriage return w/o
linefeed, and print this line about 50 times, on the same line of the
output. This had the effect of chopping right through the lineprinter
output at the goto statement, cutting the paper in half, which jammed
the lineprinter, requiring operator intervention. This *really* pissed
the operators off, and generally resulted in a high-decibel stream of
abuse directed at the poor slob of an undergrad who submitted the job.
Pretty effective, all in all. You certainly could hear the change in
lineprinter melody when one of these listings was being generated, and
that was a good time to find some forgotten errands that needed running
elsewhere.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 95 13:26 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Heat Is On In Britain
To: spaf
London - Britain has been hit by a Spring heat wave,
forcing farmers to put sun-cream on sweltering pigs and London
Zoo to cover its rhinos in suntan lotion.
But poor air quality also brought a rise in asthma attacks
among humans and skin cancer warnings.
London was hotter than Harare with temperatures topping 81
degrees Fahrenheit (27 degrees Centigrade).
In the Northern county of Yorkshire, the fire brigade was
called out to hose down a trio of overheated circus elephants.
Funny that I never heard about such problems at either of the zoos
in the Chicagoland area, where it *often* exceeds 81 degrees (F). Ron.
[Yes, but the elephants in Chicago probably don't do tea. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How about $20 and a two-drink minimum?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Le Cirque d'O.J.
"Gregory Matheson will be missed. It was nice to hear the word 'vial'
when it wasn't being used to describe defense tactics." (Bob Mills)
"First Al Cowlings was supposed to take the stand, and now possibly
Robert Kardashian. O.J.'s alternate friends list is getting dangerously
low." (Mills)
"The defense is getting to the bottom of the alibi barrel. With crucial
blood evidence pointing to O.J., they claim tests point to a fourth
blood type at the scene. It's consistent with only one individual:
Elvis Presley." (Kevin S. Healey)
"With all the TV commercials, sometimes it's difficult to distinguish
between regular programming and the trial. For instance, 'Dorf Goes
Fishing.' Is that a comedy video or a defense cross-examination?" (Russ
Myers)
o o o
In the News: "This just in from Hollywood. Authorities now know why Gary
Busey got fired from his last acting job. He kept snorting his lines." -
- (Alan Ray)
"A new report says 3-5 glasses of wine per day help you live longer.
This news comes coincidentally at the same time as a related story.
Senator Ted Kennedy turns 180 tomorrow." (Ray)
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Josefina Klag insisting she wasn't really
California Gov. Pete Wilson's former housekeeper. She just came in
twice a week to launder his corporate campaign contributions, feed the
Republican fat cats he'd taken in, and vacuum all his broken promises."
Adds comedy writer Tyler Horn: "Wilson's now suffering from Huffington's
Disease: saying one thing and doing the other."
Jay Leno, on the $1.50 tariff being proposed by the Clinton Administration
for every person who enters the United States: "It's an insult, and
doesn't say much about our country. Even low-life strip joints charge you
10 bucks to get in. How about $20 and a two-drink minimum?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 00:34:40 -0400
From: JJKinyon@aol.com
Subject: human sacrifice
To: spaf
"Betty Parker of Colorado spied on her neighbor Gary
Clowes for 6 weeks. Every night, Clowes and his fellow
cultists would dress up in "the robes of the devil,"
perform brutal human and animal sacrifices and shout
unintelligible words. She persuaded members of her local
church to break into Clowes's house armed with crosses,
stakes and prayer books. It transpired that Clowes and
his friends were rehearsing Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'
..." -- Fortean Times, Issue 79, p. 17
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 May 1995 14:10:19 -0400
From: johnl@iecc.com (John Levine)
Subject: If you ever do another Pentium roundup ...
To: spaf
... this showed up in a message from one of my readers in New Zealand.
>I am a Pentium from Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's all in the accent.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: someone (elided)
Forwarded by: "BUNS O' STEEL McIntosh" <EDU-UTAH-LIB-ALEXANDRIA/DMCINTOS>
Forwarded by: "Trevor Elkington" <EDU-UTAH-LIB-ALEXANDRIA/TELKINGT>
Forwarded-by: michael mark chemers <mchemers@indiana.edu>
Forwarded-by: Paul Zaya <pzaya@eecs.uic.edu>
Forwarded-by: Mark Loggins <sphynx@crl.com>
From: Spirit Fox <darkwing@prism.nmt.edu>
Top 12 Sexually Tilted Lines in the Movie STAR WARS:
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess...
5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
6. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?
7. You've got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!
11. You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!
12. Get on top of it!
Top 11 Sexually Titled Lines in the Movie THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK:
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
2. Possible he came in through the south entrance.
3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that, huh kid?
4. Hurry up, golden rod...
5. That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.
6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...
7. Control, control...You must learn control!
8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
9. Size matters not...judge my by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!
11. Would it help if I got out and pushed?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's hard to disagree.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Colloquium announcement:
Research shows the first five minutes of life
can be the most risky.
Hand-written note underneath:
The last five minutes aren't so hot either.
------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 1995 11:10:06 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Larger Size
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
Here is an actual quote from a bag of 2-3/4 oz. size Fritos corn chips.
"LARGER SIZE
compared to 1-1/4 oz. size"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 95 13:01:44 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Letters we never did answer...
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[Note: this is NOT an AOL address... -psl]
From: thedruid@ix.netcom.com (Reed Kennedy)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.next.marketplace
Subject: wondering about next
Date: 7 May 1995 20:57:13 GMT
I would like to know more about next computers I am fluent in IBM and
would like to learn about the next system. please tell me what you
know.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Let there be rain....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Allman <eric@cs.berkeley.edu>
>From the 4/29/95 San Francisco Chronicle:
Forecaster Fired -- Predicted Rain
Los Angeles (Reuters). A radio weather forecaster who predicted
rain for a Rush Limbaugh event ran into a storm of opposition
from station management and was fired for not altering his forecast,
according to the Los Angeles Times.
Forecaster Sean Boyd was quoted in yesterday's editions
of the Times as saying he had been fired by his boss at KMJ, one
of the top three markets inthe country for Limbaugh's syndicated
morning show, after he refused to change his weather forecast of
a chance of rain for an outdoor function honoring the conservative
commentator.
Boyd's prediction was for April 15, the date of the second
annual Dittohead Barbecue and Politically Incorrect Picnic at the
fairgrounds in Madera, California.
The central California event was organized by KMJ, whose
news and talk format is used to pound President Clinton and anyone
else it considers to be a liberal.
Boyd told the Times his boss asked him to ``fudge'' his
forecast by predicting a greater possibility of sunshine rather
than a chance of rain, as the latter might keep people away from
the event.
Al Smith, KMJ's general manager, said Boyd's firing was the
result of a buildup of things.
On the day, Boyd had the last word, the heavens opened
and it poured, the Times said.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More hard-hitting, fact-filled journalism.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
'Hi, My name's Marcia and I'll be your prosecutor...' "O.J. and Marcia
and Lawry's" is the title of a less-than-shocking article in the spring,
1995 newsletter of Lawry's The Prime Rib. The story shows a photo of
Marcia Clark in the mid-1970s when she worked as a waitress at the La
Cienega (L.A.) eatery. There's also a separate photo of Simpson during a
visit. "O.J. dined frequently in our Beverly Hills restaurant," the
newsletter confides, "but we haven't been able to discover whether
Marcia was ever his waitress."
-- L.A. Times "Only in L.A"
[See? It sometimes pays to be a good tipper... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 95 23:00:59 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: No Room Left
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Claude Ginsburg <claude@espresso.rt.cs.boeing.com>
There is no room in the Republican party for racists!
- Pat Buchanan
(Geez, I knew they had a lot of them but I didn't realize that they were
out of room. Must have had an affirmative action program.)
Mike Durst
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Overheard during morning commute to Berkeley...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Paul Brown <pbrown@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Student 1: I'm confused about id, ego and super-ego.
Student 2: Think of it like this. The human psyche is a dark arena
where an amorous ape and Anne Landers are wrestling, and
the match is refereed by an uncertain bank clerk.
[Sounds like an ad for a Calvin Klein perfume. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Oxbridge on the march
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
A link on the University of Cambridge Computer Lab Home Page is
labelled "The Other Place".
It's a link to Oxford University's home page.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 95 13:26 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Prince Philip Offers Tip On Pairing Pandas
To: spaf
Helsinki - Britain's Prince Philip said a zoo trying to
persuade its coy captive panda to mate could try dressing the
partner in a zookeeper's uniform.
"It's (the panda's) got a problem, poor old thing," said
the Prince, on a private visit to Finland as President of the
World Wildlife Fund For Nature. Seeing only zookeepers makes
it hard for pandas to recognise a mate, he said.
Pandas are notoriously unwilling to mate in captivity.
"I suggested (to London Zoo) they ought to put the panda
into a keeper's uniform," Prince Philip said. "but... "
[Heck, it worked for the Prince... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 17:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Bob Barker may countersue Dian Parkinson, but he says he'll drop the suit
if she can guess how much he would have sued her for without going over
the actual retail amount.
-- Bill Maher on Comedy Central's "Politically Incorrect"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 10:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
We have more stuffed animals, per capita, right now than any
city in the world. Frankly, what we need now is cash.
-- Tom Brown, United Way official in Oklahoma City
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
It is not necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice.
There are two other possibilities: One is paperwork, and the
other is nostalgia."
-- Frank Zappa
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 95 02:43:58 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel_Steinberg@opcode.com (Daniel Steinberg)
From: Karl_Scott@opcode.com
"Personhole is not an acceptable de-sexed word." Shirley Dean,
Councilperson from the Berkeley City Council explaining why the Council
changed the wording in a sewer equipment request back to manhole cover.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 13:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Hate Radio: How can you blame us for inciting violence -- you femi-Nazi,
abortion-loving, gun-controlling, ungodly, gay, liberals.
-- Jim Mullen, from his "Hot Sheet" column in
Entertainment Weekly
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 10:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: thorntn@cc.umanitoba.ca (Duncan Thornton)
I don't see the de-caf operation taking place in a laboratory. I imagine
a building that looks like a gigantic tobacco shed. Dozens of caffeine
extractors are sitting at long tables, picking away with their tiny,
weirdly shaped tweezers. But what do they do with the caffeine they
extract? Is it just piled in heaps around Central American villages, like
so much coal slag? If so, isn't there a danger that village dogs might
sniff around the heaps and end up being awake for a year and a half?
-- Calvin Trillin
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Rocket Science for Dummies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mk@TFS.COM (Mike King)
ROCKET SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
The series of books written "for dummies" seems endless and is spreading
beyond computers ... and getting entirely out of hand. In addition to
such titles as "Windows 3.11 for Dummies," "Macintosh System 7.5 for
Dummies," and "C++ for Dummies," there are now such books as "The Complete
Idiot's Guide To Being Your Own Lawyer," and in the pipeline are books
called "Taxes for Dummies," "Wine for Dummies," and "Sex for Dummies."
(U.S. News & World Report 5/1/95 p.80)
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Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Saves marriages, friendships -- maybe even LIVES!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Excerpts-from: WhiteBoard News for May 03, 1995
New York, New York:
Concerned about your high-fiber diet? There's a new way to deal with the
-- um -- after effects.
The Toot Trapper is a 15-inch by 17-inch carbon-foam filter disguised as
a cushion, guaranteed to improve the air quality around the afflicted
person.
The advertising is even bolder than that: "Saves marriages, friendships
-- maybe even LIVES" it says, without going into details.
The Toot Trapper was designed by inventor Frank Lathrop after he had
developed diabetes -- which often includes intestinal distress.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 95 14:03:34 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Shotgun Surveys
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: "The Life of the Party" by Bennett Cerf, Doubleday, 1956
The late H. T. Webster had completed a dozen cartoons in a single day and
decided he needed a bit of relaxation. He chose twenty friends at random and
sent them a one-word telegram: "Congratulations!"
Only two phoned to ask what he was talking about. The other eighteen sent
notes of thanks. Each had recently completed some minor achievement he deemed
entirely worthy of Webster's congratulatory wire!
[I am reminded...
A few years ago I moved to Los Angeles. On the little bus from the air
terminal to the car rental place the driver struck up a conversation. When I
said that I was just moving to L.A. his response was: "Oh. You a musician or
an actor?"
Several times, when I recounted this incident to native Angelinos I was
told the story of the "recent" survey taken on the streets of North Hollywood.
100 randomly-chosen people were asked this question in a neutral tone:
"So, how's the screenplay coming?"
Of the 100, 53 answered "Just great!" or its equivalent, 24 answered "I've
figured out what it needs." (or equiv), 15 answered "I think I've sold it."
(or equiv), and the remaining 8 all answered "Who told you? Nobody was
supposed to know yet!"
-psl]
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 14:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tactical deployment.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
The breasts do form an important part of a woman's biological equipment
for courtship and it is a question not so much of morals as of tactics to
consider at what stage in the proceedings they are to be deployed to the
best advantage.
C. B. Goodheart
Biological view of toplessness
New Scientist, 1964, 23, 558
[Hmm, I'd think it would be more strategy than tactics... Unless he
meant "tactile deployment." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Take me to your lizard
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Yerkes" <yerkes_chuck@jpmorgan.com>
[A Giant Space craft has landed. A 100 foot tall robot emerges and says
"We Come In Peace. Take Me To Your Lizard... then...]
"It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"
"No," said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and
coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him,
"nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its
world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate
the lizards and the lizards rule the people."
"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."
"I did," said Ford. "It is."
"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why
don't the people get rid of the lizards?"
"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the
vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in
more or less approximates to the government they want."
"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"
"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."
"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"
"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong
lizard might get in."
-- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
[Politics is the same everywhere, it seems. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 10:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The best shopping site yet on the Web.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
So, are they eventually going to let me buy the battleship just by
filling in a form?
Defense Surplus Sales
Defense Reutilization and Marketing Service, Battle Creek, MI, US
The Defense Reutilization and Marketing Service is the place to buy
surplus military inventory direct from the Government. We sell
almost anything, from paperclips to battleships direct to the
public. Check out the New England/New York Home Page while you're
there for a clickable map and digital photos.
http://www.drms.dla.mil
[Only if you bring your Visa card. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 08:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The complete Pasta Theory of Software.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: George Hartzell <hartzell@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: ahb@gene.com (A. Benninger)
Forwarded-by: "Jennifer Skidmore" <skiddles@munch.gene.com>
Transcribed from the November-December 1992 issue of the Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory Software Engineering Newsletter.
The mention of ``a feast of spaghetti code'' [``Computer Collectives,''
CrossTalk, April/May 1992] prompted this response by Raymond J. Rubey
SofTech, Inc., Fairborn, OH.
"Nearly every software professional has heard of the term spaghetti code
as a pejorative description for complicated, difficult-to-understand, and
impossible-to-maintain, software. However, many people may not know the
other two elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple,
understandable, and layered structure. Lasagna code, although
structured, is unfortunately monolithic and not easy to modify. An
attempt to change one layer, while conceptually simple, is often
difficult in actual practice.
The ideal software structure is one having components that are small
and loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In
ravioli code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing
some meat or other nourishment for the system; any component can be
modified or replaced without significantly affecting other components.
We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code and to the
active encouragement of ravioli code."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: There's a religious message here, somewhere...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: jkessler@SMTP.SPD.USACE.ARMY.MIL
One warm afternoon, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi were playing golf
together. The party ahead of them was taking forever to get done with
each hole and the three clergymen were getting pretty testy about it and
saying some pretty nasty things about the other party.
Finally they sent a caddy to carry their complaint to the golf course
manager. A few minutes later the course manager arrived and told them in
hushed tones that the party ahead of them were blind people and that was
why they were playing so slowly.
The priest and the minister were thunderstruck and profuse in their
apologies to the course manager.
"How could I have been so callous!" cried the priest.
"I preach compassion for the unfortunate from my pulpit every
Sunday and here I was having such bad feelings about these unfortunates!"
exclaimed the minister.
"Why can't they play at night?" asked the rabbi.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Sweedish Sheef
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-by: <hellshaw@daev.internet-eireann.ie> (The Reverend Hellshaw)
Some of you may already have seen this site but may not have the software
to do this:
Sume-a ooff yuoo mey elreedy hefe-a seee thees seete-a boot mey nut hefe-a
zee sufftvere-a tu du thees:
heee heee
bork!bork!bork!
check out http://www.stir.ac.uk/~sac06/chef/sweedish.html for more muppetry
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Where the World Is Headed
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: "Dan ``Sparky'' Tenenbaum" <dante@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Michael Bunney <mikebu@microsoft.com>
From: "Megatrends 2000":
"The Tuareg, the last tribe of nomads in the Sahara, delayed their
annual migration for ten days in 1983 in order to catch the last
episode of 'Dallas'."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 02 May 1995 20:50:01 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX BLACK <REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG>
Subject: while i'm in the neighborhood, maybe i just "pop" on by...
To: SPAF
This is from today's _USA Today-:
Costa Mesa--City officials are trying to figure out what, if anything,
they can do about poolside sex orgies Bill Goodwin, 71, holds on his
estate. Neighbors complain, but officials say there's no law against
orgies. Godwin says his parties--also featuring potluck food and karaoke--
are wholesome and safe.
-30-
Since I'm in the Costa Mesa Marriott right now, I was at first tempted
to crash the party. However, three words scared me of: "71", "potluck"
and "karaoke". What a wacky bunch of "angry white men" though, huh?
Rex
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who, indeed?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
In a case involving a shop owner who videotaped a woman trying on a
bathing suit, but won't be charged due to a technicality in the laws:
"Who could believe that someone could do this and get off?"
-- Assemblywoman Deirdre Alpert, D-San Diego
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------