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Yucks Digest V5 #13 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 4 May 95 Volume 5 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
"Miracle" Mushroom Tea Cures Sweep Fiji
[rec.arts.books] Re: Hoban Primer (was Re: Last Five Book you read & WHY)
bank accounts
best response to a spam thios week....
Cardiosexuality (Urban Legend of the Week)
Clean Toilets A Rare Sight For Chinese Farmers
Driving tips
easy to assemble kits
Epoch Making British Space Proposal
Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)
For yucks -- Uh huh...
Hackers vs. Users
hooked on soundex
Human/Computer Incompatibility
human speedbump seeks F. models
Is a fox more sacred than a cow?
I said, 'How do you baptize a child by mistake?'
It needs enhancing *already*.
Obtaining NIS domainname from Gatorbox
Officials Under Fire
QOTD (4 msgs)
Spiders on marijuana are too laid back to finish the job.
Spring Clearance Sale
The Best Kept Secret to Meeting Women!
This Month's Most Frequent Submission
What's In A Name... When Jesse's At The Helm
Who really trusts their code?
World to End in 30 Days!
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN ...
you update this brochure often, i see...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 11:57 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: "Miracle" Mushroom Tea Cures Sweep Fiji
To: spaf
Suva (Reuters) - Fiji has been gripped by "mushroom fever"
with hundreds of people claiming miracle cures for ailments
such as asthma, baldness, diabetes and high blood pressure
after drinking tea made from a kind of fungus.
There are fresh claims almost daily from newspaper readers
about the tea's healing powers, and radio talkback shows have
been inundated with callers, one of whom even claimed the tea
made her pregnant -- without the aid of a man.
According to popular rumour, the "mushroom", which looks
like a bloated, gelatinous pancake, was brought to Fiji by a
soldier returning from peacekeeping duties in the middle east.
[Hmmm, at last -- a use for that unknown stuff in the disk at the
back of the refrigerator. However, I'd better keep it away from
my wife.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 95 09:47:05 EDT
From: garrett
Subject: [rec.arts.books] Re: Hoban Primer (was Re: Last Five Book you read & WHY)
To: ctw0, pitts
------- Start of forwarded message -------
Yes, that John McCarthy and he oftens posts like this with everyone
else being too scared to say anything to the man.
From: jmc@SAIL.Stanford.EDU (John McCarthy)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books
Subject: Re: Hoban Primer (was Re: Last Five Book you read & WHY)
Date: 16 Apr 1995 23:32:29 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University
There is a picture of a Quaker holding a box of Quaker oats on the
Quaker oats box. The regress is infinite if you believe in the
possibility of arbitrarily small Quakers. I don't know if the Quaker
religion allows for that. It might be that an infinite number of the
Quakers would be moved to say something. On the other hand, if a
Quaker being moved to speak were proportional to its size, the amount
of talk would be finite. Has anyone observed at Quaker meetings how
the probability of being moved to speak relates to the size of the
Quaker.
--
John McCarthy, Computer Science Department, Stanford, CA 94305
*
He who refuses to do arithmetic is doomed to talk nonsense.
http://www-formal.stanford.edu/jmc/progress/
------- End of forwarded message -------
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 11:20:59 -0400
From: johnl@iecc.com (John Levine)
Subject: bank accounts
To: spaf
>> Subject: Subscription to Eastlib
>>
>> Dear Sir / Madam,
>>
>> Please send me details of how to subscribe to Eastlib, including the
>> number of your bank account and the address of your bank.
>>
>> Looking forward to hearing from you.
FYI, in Europe it's quite common to pay for something you've ordered by bank
wire transfer, by giving your bank the address and account number of the
recipient and telling them to send some money. So, it's not all that odd a
request to make.
>From experience, though, I can report that bank wires are much more fun than
checks, and offer ample opportunity for sleuthing and deductive reasoning:
* when you receive a wire, your bank usually just sends you a slip saying
"$345 recevied from the Foonly Bank"
* if you're lucky, the transfer will actually be from the Foonly Bank,
particularly here in the U.S., incoming transfers tend to bounce around from
bank to bank, each one taking a $15 fee. If you add up the hops, multiply
the number of hops by $15, and add that to the amount you received, that's
usually pretty close to the amount that the sender originally sent.
* But it never, ever, says who it's really from. You can usually call up
the wire room at your bank, ask them to look it up and find out who it's
really from, so they tell you, Foonly Bank got it from the Third National
Farmer's and Merchant's Chartered Savings Institution of West Arblecch, Ltd.
So you scratch your head for a while and wonder who sent it. The usual
approach is to do nothing, and a month later the sender will write you a
letter asking "didn't you get my bank wire?"
* International bank wires take a week. This says something disturbing
about the speed of light in underwater cables.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 12:40:14 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: best response to a spam thios week....
To: spaf
The Spammer --- cruises@io.org (Margarita Orszag) writes:
=> ATTENTION SINGLES!!
=> -------------------
=> 7 DAY CARIBBEAN CRUISE!
=> COME AND MEET SOME INTERESTING PEOPLE!!
=> FOR MORE INFORMATION:
the responder ...
> From: David Shaw <dms1070@hertz.njit.edu>
> Sender: doug@cc.ysu.edu
> From: buckleyk@indiana.edu (Keith Buckley)
replies....
=> Dear Ms. Orszag (if that *really* is your name):
=>
=> If it's all the same to you, we'd rather meet some interesting people
=> first and then come.
=>
=> Sincerely,
=> Friends of Senator Packwood
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Cardiosexuality (Urban Legend of the Week)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@Tadpole.COM>
Forwarded-by: reficul@gigantor.arlington.com (reficul spelled backwords is dumb)
Forwarded-by: Jeff Hunter <jhunter@netcom.com>
EXPERIMENTATION ENDS IN TEEN DEATH
AP NEWS - Knoxville, TN
April 24, 1995
A 16 year old boy in Knoxville was found dead in his bedroom in what
police describe as a gruesome, horrifying death.
Firefighters were called to the scene Monday morning by a neighbor who
smelled something burning. When the firemen found the remains of the
teenager they called the police in to investigate.
At first investigators believed that they were dealing with a ritualistic
murder. Posters of heavy metal rock and roll groups covered his bedroom
walls, groups which are often connected with satanic worship and rituals.
According to a firefighter who was on the scene, the boy was found nude,
with the remains of a cow's heart attached to his genitals. Wires had been
attached to the heart and plugged into a wall socket. The boy died from
electrocution, then the electricity literally cooked his remains.
Investigating Officer Hardaway dismissed the ritual murder theory when
detectives found several underground pornographic magazines under the
boy's mattress. One of the magazines, called Ovid Now, describes a sexual
"toy" that can be made from the fresh heart of a cow, a simple electrical
circuit, and some batteries. This deviancy is apparently gaining limited
popularity in the rural South. Practioners get the dead heart to beat,
and then use the beating organ for sexual perversions.
"This is one of the most gruesome things I have ever seen. I can't
believe that there are people who actually enjoy this sort of thing,"
Hardaway commented.
The boy's parents are currently on vacation in Florida, where they were
contacted and informed about the tragedy. They were unavailable for
comment.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 12:03 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Clean Toilets A Rare Sight For Chinese Farmers
To: spaf
Beijing (Reuter) - Only 7.5 percent of china's 900 million
farmers have sanitary toilets, said a survey published by the
Health Daily.
Only 9.7 percent of public toilets in rural areas were
sanitary, the newspaper said.
About 780,000 rural families in 29 provinces were
interviewed, and the survey showed 85.9 percent have
lavatories -- mostly simple sheds in the fields.
Struggling to end a problem that has plagued china for
decades, officials in Beijing have offered prizes to designers
of public toilets that do not smell or attract flies.
[What kind of prizes, we wonder? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 24 Apr 1995 07:50:03 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Driving tips
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shitfaced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dick all day long.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 95 22:33:40 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: easy to assemble kits
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Neil Gershenfeld <neilg@media.mit.edu>
I just received a new newsletter from HP with articles on how HP-UX support is
being made less bureaucratic. Naturally, the mailing envelope also contained a
packing slip:
HEWLETT-PACKARD COMPANY PAGE 1
DISTRIBUTION DESCRIPTION: KIT-HP-UX FOCUS NEWSLETTE
DISTRIBUTION NUMBER: 6783T01
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHIPMENT CONTENTS LIST
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ITEM SI KIT/PART NUMBER DESCRIPTION QTY UM
01 92452A+6783 KT-HP-UX FOCUS NEWSLETTER 4/95 1 EA
--- CONSISTING OF ---
5963-8933 NEWSLETTER-HP-UX FOCUS 4/95 1 EA
9230-0301 ENVELOPE, SIZE 9 X 12
ATTENTION IN CASE OF CONCEALED OR OBVIOUS DAMAGE:
1) SAVE ALL PACKAGING MATERIAL
2) CONTACT DELIVERING CARRIER FOR INSPECTION
3) CONTACT THE SOFTWARE SUPPORT ADMINISTRATION GROUP IN THE
HEWLESS PACKARD OFFICE LISTED ON THE SHIPPING LABEL
*** SHIPMENT CONTENT LIST ***
[Once a long time ago, I got some HP equipment that didn't have a
packing slip in it. Our business office had to have one for
processing, so I called and asked for a duplicate. It arrived in a
box...with a packing slip. Somehow it is both comforting and
frightening to know that HP has been so consistent over time....
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 12:03 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Epoch Making British Space Proposal
To: spaf
London (Reuter) - Britain should mark the year 2000 by
throwing 2000 one-Pound coins (worth $1.60 each) into space
for an extra-terrestrial treasure hunt, space enthusiasts say.
The Millennium Commission, set up to find ways to mark the
advent of the next century, said it was considering the
proposal from a group of enthusiasts known as the Light Year
Consortium. "It certainly is one of the more offbeat proposals
that we have received," said Mike Elrick, spokesman for the
commission. the Light Year Consortium suggested sending the
coins to the moon, to asteroids and possibly to other planets
at a cost of about 30 million Sterling ($50 million).
[Heck, our governments keep pouring money into less accessible places,
so why not? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)
From: gordon_ross@mindlink.bc.ca (Gordon Ross)
Newsgroups: comp.newprod
Date: 11 Apr 1995 19:56:56 -0400
Organization: UUNET Communications
Your children may be streetproof, but when it comes to the INTERNET, they
could meet up with a new breed of crime on the information highway.
This is why we designed Net Nanny. It prevents certain words and phrases
(inputted by you) from being received or sent by your computer, causing
your terminal to shut down, if you so choose.
Accessible through a special Administration Program, Net Nanny can be
turned on or off at your discretion. Net Nanny stores a complete Audit
Trail of monitored words and phrases and time computer was started. It
can prevent personal information from being given out, restrict access to
various programs, and inadvertently formatting disks or deleting files.
The price of Net Nanny is $49.95 (U.S.) plus P.S.T. (B.C. only) & G.S.T.
(Canada only), for the DOS version, which includes an offer for a free
Windows driver upgrade. Net Nanny is the best way to protect your family
on the INTERNET.
TO ORDER Net Nanny, Call: (604) 488-1950 (B.C.) or
1-800-340-7177 for the rest of North America.
[Anybody who can't find a way around such a thing probably deserves
it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 95 15:55:43 PDT
From: Mike Carlton <carlton@ISI.EDU>
Subject: For yucks -- Uh huh...
To: spaf
>From the Microsoft document 'Windows 95: The Windows 95 Reviewer's Guide'
(check it out at http://www.microsoft.com/pages/peropsys/win_news/chicago/
wwwhtml/win95/revguide/chicagoq/chicagoq.htm#TOPIC437).
Thanks to Mirsky's Worst of the Web (April 21) for the pointer.
> Ship Dates and Packaging Plans
>
> * When will Windows 95 ship?
> Microsoft's commitment is to ship a great product, and we fully expect to
> ship by the end of 1994.
Uh huh. Glad to see they put the same care into putting together press
information as they put into their software.
cheers,
--mike carlton@isi.edu
P.S. And 'peropsys' isn't the name of some Greek god, most likely it is
how you abbreviate 'Personal Operating System' in 8 characters.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hackers vs. Users
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: lee@puck.mport.com
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have
come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User:
A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 23:32:38 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: hooked on soundex
To: spaf
From: orwant@media-lab.media.mit.edu (Jon Orwant)
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 00:26:07 -0400
To: Jim Propp <propp@math.mit.edu>, silent-tristero
Subject: Re: Truman's middle name
[...]
A few years back I checked into the paperwork involved
in changing your name, with the idea of inserting
an extraneous punctuation mark or two. The form
(in Cambridge, at least) has a spot for a Soundex
code---so you can specify how your new name is pronounced.
What a great opportunity-
"It's _spelled_ 'Bob Crabapple', but it's _pronounced_
'Sloggoth, Heir of the Damned.'"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Human/Computer Incompatibility
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Joe T. Hall
Found in InfoWorld:
... mistakenly asserts that humans and computers have incompatible
numbering systems because nature dealt us five fingers. Rubbish!
The real fault is those humans who started counting without reailizing
that the thumb is a parity-check bit.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 10:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: human speedbump seeks F. models
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good))
[So, which is it, "buissness" or "buisness"?]
From: EWSN89A@prodigy.com (Michael Egan)
Organization: Prodigy Services Company 1-800-PRODIGY
Newsgroups: alt.models
Big guy 320lbs. can lay down in front of a smaller size car or Harley and
have my stomach run over by the front and rear wheel.Can also put my
hands and feet in front of the wheels and have them run over also.I have
been doing this kind of eccentric weight endurance for many years and am
now ready to go professional.I can do alot more along this line.I am now
seeking a female driver/partner looking to get into show buissness.I will
split all the profits 50/50.I am from the Mpls.,MN area.If you are
interested there is a market for this eccentric talent and perhaps we
both could make some very good money with the act.
If you are a female that just wants to do it just for the hell
of it and say you ran someone over that is okay to.
Overall i am looking for
a female wanting to be a entertainment team and get both of us a start in
show buisness.
[He might have more luck advertising in the S&M mags... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 95 19:04:53 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Is a fox more sacred than a cow?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <Ninafel@aol.com>
Forwarded-by: Carolyn Boselli
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because
it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 09:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I said, 'How do you baptize a child by mistake?'
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for April 17, 1995
Colorado Springs, Colorado:
A Jewish mother just wanted her two children to come back with an
appreciation for another religion. Instead, one came back "accidently"
baptized, she said.
Audrey Ausgotharp said she specifically told church members who invited
her children to Sunday school that she didn't them baptized -- especially
since she was aware of a 1993 lawsuit against the church alleging that
children were coerced into disrobing and were then baptized.
"They said, 'OK, that's fine, we won't,'" she said last week.
Ausgotharp said she signed a permission slip allowing her children, Wayne,
7, and Cindy, 5, to board a Cornerstone Baptist Church bus so they could
visit the church in Colorado Springs.
Later, two women from the church who accompanied her children home said
Wayne had been baptized "by mistake," she said.
"I said, 'How do you baptize a child by mistake?' I was furious and hurt,
I couldn't say anything," Ausgotharp said.
Cornerstone assistant pastor Mark Rossi said church officials were
investigating Ausgotharp's allegations.
[Maybe she can arrange for Lorena Bobbitt to perform a bris by
mistake on the Rev Rossi? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 13:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It needs enhancing *already*.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: matthew green <Matthew.Green@fulcrum.com.au>
Forwarded-by: Rik Harris <Rik.Harris>
Forwarded-by: ran@rdt.monash.edu.au (Ralphe Neill)
NEW ADD-ON FOR WINDOWS 95
Microsoft has introduced a new utility software program called
Microsoft Plus! that's designed to enhance the Windows 95 performance
and ease access to the Internet. The Internet Jumpstart Kit will allow
users to sign up for Internet access via the Microsoft Network.
Pricing for Microsoft Plus! has not been announced. (Investor's
Business Daily 4/25/95 A7)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 95 11:05:30 BST
From: lavondes@tidtest.total.fr (Michel Lavondes)
Subject: Obtaining NIS domainname from Gatorbox
To: patrick@oes.amdahl.com (Patrick Horgan)
Patrick Horgan wrote :
>
> [snip]
>
> Women are hard to understand.
>
That's not a bug, that's a feature :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 12:17:25 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Officials Under Fire
Newsgroups: alt.sport.officiating
To: spaf
An indiana student writes
=>
=> > Please do keep me informed of what goes on. I'd surely like to
=> > be in a court room when the fans start whining "Well, you see, it
=> > was the heat of the moment." Uh-huh. Sure. That's nice.
=>
=> "Objection, your honor."
=>
=> "Overruled."
=>
=> "What? How in the hell can you make that call? This is
=> absolutely pathetic! Where did you get your degree? A cracker
=> jack box? You've been screwing us this entire case!"
he must have too much free time at the basketball court
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: shibumi@cisco.com (Kenton A. Hoover))
Forwarded-by: t patterson <tp@cisco.com>
A firewall that lets NFS through is like a seatbelt that is
designed to let your face reach the dashboard.
-- mjr@tis.com (Marcus J Ranum)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 08:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Don Fitzpatrick <dfitzpat@interserv.com>
I'm only 56. Rupert Murdoch (64) and Sumner Redstone (71) are the two
guys in this business richer than I am. But if the actuarial tables are
right, I'll be the richest guy in the business in another 10 years.
-- Ted Turner, speaking at a recent Variety/Wertheim
Schroder Big Picture Conference
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Bryant, I don't think anybody ought to take themselves quite so seriously
as you do every morning. I don't take myself that seriously.
-- Oliver North to Bryant Gumbel
Oh, clearly not. Perhaps the oath should have been taken a little more
seriously before lying to the government, too.
-- Bryant Gumbel to Oliver North
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 20:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
For starting pitchers, we have two Dominicans, one Italian, one Mexican
and one Japanese... In the bullpen we have a Venezuelan, a Mexican, a
guy from the United States and a guy from St. Louis.
-- L.A. Dodgers Manager Tommy Lasorda
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 17:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spiders on marijuana are too laid back to finish the job.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: matthew green <Matthew.Green@fulcrum.com.au>
Forwarded-by: Rik Harris <Rik.Harris>
Forwarded-by: ran@rdt.monash.edu.au (Ralphe Neill)
The Electronic Telegraph 27 April 1995
Drug-test spiders weave their way home
By Roger Highfield, Science Editor
A SPIDER'S skill at spinning its web is so obviously affected when it is
under the influence of drugs that Nasa scientists believe the creature
could help them to test the effects of chemicals.
Different drugs alter the architecture of the web spun by a house spider
in various ways, according to research reported today in New Scientist.
Spiders on marijuana are too laid back to finish the job, while those
dosed with the sedative chloral hydrate drop off before they can lay down
more than a few silky filaments. On an "upper", such as the amphetamine
benzedrine, the spider demonstrates great gusto but not much planning,
leaving large holes in the structure. Caffeine jitters turn webs into a
haphazard affair.
The deformity in the web is related to the toxicity and dose of the
chemical. Using a computer program, a Nasa team at the Marshall Space
Flight Centre in Alabama has analysed the alterations in the webs and
thinks it will be possible to quantify these effects to measure toxicity.
The spider could then offer an eight-legged alternative to testing on
mammals. The team has found that one of the most telling measures of
toxicity is a decrease in the numbers of completed sides in the cells
within a web. The greater the toxicity, the more sides that the spider
fails to complete.
[Pray tell, what do spiders on Zima do? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 20 Apr 1995 11:55:42 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Spring Clearance Sale
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
The following is the text of an ad by Scott March, who really is a lawyer, in
the Apr/May 1995 issue of Spacefaring Gazette, a publication of the Golden Gate
Chapter of the National Space Society:
"Spike" MARCH
Attorney at Law
BIG SAVINGS PRICE BREAKERS
Spring Clearance Sale!
Everything Must Go!
Incredible Savings On:
o Used Contracts o Recycled Boilerplate
o Uncollected Judgments o Expired Leases
o Overruled Cases o Unanswered Complaints
o Denied Motions o Stale Advice
o Get a free "WHEREAS" with every
"HEREINAFTER" purchased at full price!
o Call today! With every other lawyer busy
defending O.J., I'm your only choice in town.
"Remember, if you never need a lawyer, then you're
probably not taking enough chances in life."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 12:00:10 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: The Best Kept Secret to Meeting Women!
Newsgroups: alt.sport.officiating [et. al.]
To: spaf
Originally Posted By: stile@ionet.net
=> L Evans (evans@mindspring.com) wrote:
=> : <SPAM deleted>
=> : Can anyone tell me why crap like this appears in this newsgroup????
=>
=> Because the newsgroup exists.
[That's one of the first laws of Usenet. --spaf]
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Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 14:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: This Month's Most Frequent Submission
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Found on the Playboy site:
Playboy's Party Jokes
THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION
"I'm baffled by your orange penis," the doctor told his patient. "Does
anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow shook his head.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work. I'm retired."
"Well, what do you do all day?"
"Oh, mostly sit around watching porno tapes, eating Cheetos."
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Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 11:59 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: What's In A Name... When Jesse's At The Helm
To: spaf
Washington (Reuter) - It's not easy to confuse the leaders
of Pakistan and India -- two countries with a bitter rivalry
-- but Senate Foreign Relations Committee chairman Jesse Helms
did just that.
Emerging from an hour-long closed-door meeting with
Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, Helms took to the
floor of the Senate and said: "The Senate Foreign Relations
Committee has had the honour of welcoming the distinguished
Prime Minister of India." He introduced Bhutto by saying she
and the committee "most of the time, we were talking about
India". Helms apologised immdiately he was told of his error.
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Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 08:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who really trusts their code?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: George Hartzell <hartzell@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: "Cyrus Harmon" <sly@fly2.berkeley.edu>
At a software engineering course for aspiring managers the participants
are asked: If your team of programmers/analysts implemented airplane
control software, and you were flying one day, finding out before take-off
that this plane was one of those equipped with YOUR software, how many of
you would get out?
All except one person raised their hands. The course instructor asked the
only one to have left his hand down "What would you do?"
"Stay in my seat -- if my team wrote the software for this plane, it
wouldn't move, let alone take off."
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Date: Thu, 27 Apr 95 12:18:00 -0600
From: JIM_SCHINDLER@HP6650.desk.hp.com
Subject: World to End in 30 Days!
To: spaf
God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and
says "The world will end in 30 days, go back and tell your people."
So Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says: "I have bad news
and I have worse news....the bad news is that we were wrong...there is a
God. The worse news is that world will end in 30 days."
Bill Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people: "I have good news
and I have bad news....The good news is that the basic family values
upon which we have based our lives are right, there is a God....the bad
news is that world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says: "I have great news
and I have fabulous news...the great news is that God thinks I'm
important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows95!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 12:24:00 -0600
From: JIM_SCHINDLER@HP6650.desk.hp.com
Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN ...
To: spaf
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to
bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for
omitting the else clause.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours */
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the
next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the
phone and start dialing an IP number...
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor
you want.
When not only do you check your Email more often than your paper mail,
but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the
math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 17:29:43 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX BLACK <REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG>
Subject: you update this brochure often, i see...
To: SPAF
I'm working in Chelmsford, MA, this week. Here's an except from the
Radisson Heritage Hotel's "City Orientation" brochure:
The Radisson Heritage Hotel is located at the intersections of Routes
495 and 3, the hub of the expanding High Technology region...
Just how, exactly, is it expanding?
[Well, you need to use the Hubble Constant you see... --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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