Yucks Digest V5 #10 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Fri, 24 Mar 95       Volume 5 : Issue  10 

Today's Topics:
            "took short cuts" is such a nice way to say it
                        A Haskell Lover's Plea
                    A slight change in flight plan
          Earl Grey appears to be in the hands of terrorists
                       Elaine exposed her uvula
                     Fast cash - this ones legit!
         He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
               If you're really sure you're not busy...
                          Insult of the Day
            Linus -- A brilliant computer science student
                             Mr. Bastards
          Now, *this* is what I became a scientist *for*...
                          One Leif to Live.
                      On military music (YUCKS)
               Questions Cecil Is Still Thinking About
                       Reverse anthropomorphism
                  ShopTalk for Friday March 24, 1995
                 ShopTalk for Thursday March 23, 1995
                ShopTalk for Wednesday March 22, 1995
                   Something for the little lady...
          T.Rev and Random's Guide to Lovecraftian Drinking
                     talkin' the legs off a chair
                         The Modern Cyberpunk
                             Unix Wizard
                     Yucks Digest V5 #9 (shorts)

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 12:50:35 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "took short cuts" is such a nice way to say it
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.research.att.com

The following item appeared in the Guardian.

Competitors in this year's Vienna marathon will have special
computer chips tied to the shoelaces to ensure they stick to
the route.  Some runners last year took short cuts to improve
their times, while an Italian rode part of the way on the


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 23:31:45 -0500
From: gb (Gerald Baumgartner)
Subject: A Haskell Lover's Plea
To: spaf

Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands.

------- Forwarded Message

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 21:04:57 -0500
From: dsmith@lucy.cs.waikato.ac.nz
To: haskell
Subject: A Haskell Lover's Plea

          A Haskell Lover's Plea 

Why should I renounce for you, dear Haskell,
My much yearned for side-effects?
Why should I face the software dragons 
Without my weapon, my manly spear of destruction?
They call you non-strict, oh so elegant and pure Ariel.
Yet side-effect celibacy is surely severe.

   Your flesh is too weak, you brutish beast.
   The tarpit demons of software hell await you!
   This sinful habit in which you indulge
   Does more harm than good. 
   Restrain yourself! And you too will see
   The wondrous and refined joys of referential transparency!

Alas, I can do without goto, without call/cc.
But sans side-effects, I am lost and forlorn, can't you see?
Oh, lady fairer yet than admirable Miranda (tm),
Scheme's prolix, parenthetical tedium
Is no match for your elegant syntax. What's more,
Your list comprehensions outshine even Prolog for sure...

    Ah, flatter me not, you low-spirited Caliban!
    Do you not know what advantages await
    Those who renounce destructive update?
    Start with an immaculate high-level specification,
    Throw in some algebraic code transformation.
    Soon you will have a provably correct and maintainable implementation.

Show mercy on mere mortals like me!
How I dream still of the efficient pleasures of pointer manipulation!
How I too wish to mutate memory with thoughts born of von Neumann earthiness!
Relent! Relent! Let me have my assignment, my printf, my gensym.
Let me fulfill my destructive impulses.
Let me set bang. Let me update. Let me assign. Let me mutate.

    Fear not, lowly beast, I have heard your pleas.
    To satisfy your low-level desire
    I'll give you monads, linear types, MADTs,
    Even single-threaded polymorphic lambda calculi.
    My beauty may suffer, still I will aspire
    To let you do (within typeful limits) what you please.

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I'm free! I'm free!
The best of both worlds is mine at last.
Oh, infinite progeny of Church, Hope, and ML,
I curry favor not when I say:
Scan me right, fold me left, 
Lazy lady of many shapes, you've got class.

      Don Smith (dsmith@cs.waikato.ac.nz)

------- End of Forwarded Message


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 95 4:24:29 PST
From: Ric Forrester <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: A slight change in flight plan
To: Yucks

The BBC news at 08.30 reported a slight problem which occurred on the
morning of 15 Mar 1995 with the ultra high-tech, packed full of software
and therefore utterly wonderful Airbus A340.

Apparently on the final part of its approach to Gatwick, both the
pilots screens went blank, to be replaced by a polite little message
saying "Please wait ...".  Somewhat unnerved, the pilots requested that
the plane turn left, but it turned right instead.  They then tried to
get it to adopt a 3 degree approach to the runway, but it chose a 9
degree plummet instead.  At this point, from the report, they appeared
to gain manual control and landed safely.  It is not clear who will
pick up the dry-cleaning bill.


Date: 17 Mar 95 04:33:47 EST (Fri)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: Ailsa Simonson

  After requesting a department-store credit card and later
receiving an application form, I was indignant when I noticed that
the questionnaire asked my sex.  I crossed out both "Male" and
"Female" boxes and after "Sex" inserted the word "Occasionally."

  Within a few days, I was chagrined to receive a personal letter
from the store manager stating: "Your credit card is enclosed.
May I suggest you use it at our lingerie and cosmetic counters?
Perhaps we can change that 'Occasionally' to 'Often.'"


Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 09:21:43 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Earl Grey appears to be in the hands of terrorists
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>

Tonight, at a restaurant, my Earl Grey tea bag came in a packet that

	The reincarnation of tea

	Ingredients:  high grown, hand-picked black teas blended
	with the essence of bergamot and the mumbled chantings of a
	certified tea shaman.

Not just *any* tea shaman, but a *certified* tea shaman.

I'd never had enchanted tea before!

[How does one get certified for this?  --spaf]


Date: 17 Mar 1995 21:08:15 -0500
From: biffloman@aol.com (BiffLoman)
Subject: Elaine exposed her uvula
Newsgroups: alt.tv.seinfeld

I had to freeze frame it at six minutes into the show about the street
parking hassle. But Elaine's uvula is pink, fleshy, and glistening.  Check
it out. 

By the way, is Jerry a mouth breather?

[There seems to be a newsgroup for everything... --spaf]


Date: 23 Mar 1995 03:19:28 GMT
From: dalehn@facstaff.wisc.edu (Donald A. Lehn, Ph.D.)
Subject: Fast cash - this ones legit!
Newsgroups: alt.current-events.net-abuse,news.admin.misc

Hey folks, you've been reading about Dave Rhodes and how he made lots
of big bucks, well, now its time for you to cash in on this.  Yes, thats
right folks, for the next month I'm giving away an entire nickel for the
brain of each and every idiot that posts the infamous Dave Rhodes
chain letter.  

That's right folks, you heard correctly - an entire nickel and here's how
to claim yours:

1.  Carefully remove the brain of the idiot who made the post.  You may
need an tweezers and a microscope for this procedure.  Don't worry about
hurting the idiot, he probably doesn't use the brain anyway.

2.  Place said brain in a suitable container.  A 35 mm film canister
should be more than sufficient.  (Actually, if your careful, you can put
a half dozen or more in in one.)

3.  Put the canister in an envelope, affix 3-32 cent stamps and mail it
to me at the address below.

4.  In 4 - 6 weeks you will receive a shiny new nickel for each and every
idiot's brain you send to me.


ps. Do not try to fool me by sending vermin brains.  I will be checking
each and every one by DNA analysis to ensure that it is a "true" human
idiot brain.


Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 18:08:30 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: stripes@uunet.uu.net (Josh Osborne)

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

	The Best and Worst Comments Received

"This class was a religious experience for me...
 I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...
 Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
 That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
 Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his

"Help!  I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam

"Recitation was great.  It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
 where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
 presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I
 hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
 They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
 Then solidarity kicked in."
"Bogus number crunching.  My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
 I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
 spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led
 Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets
 that I would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text?  `Text is printed on high quality


Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 22:38:25 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you're really sure you're not busy...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Volunteering to "serve as a guinea pig" to show viewers one of the
miraculous new procedures in plastic surgery, TV talk show host Geraldo
Rivera gets his eyes "done" through state-of-the-art laser surgery, on
"Geraldo" on Monday March 27.  As the entire studio audience dons
protective lenses in preparation for the operation, nationally recognized
Dr. Alan Gaynor explains the procedure which, he says, will vaporize the
wrinkles around Geraldo's eyes through an invisible beam of light.  Other
guests include actress Sally Kirkland.

Quotable: "I would never, ever have the guts to have plastic surgery
unless it was on television because I know that somebody would find out
about it, and then they'd put it on their show instead of my show."
	-- Geraldo Rivera

[They shouldn't stop with his eyelids.  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 22:37:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Insult of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: anneli@sybase.com (Anneli Meyer)

Seen over on rec.equestrian, from Terry von Gease (twv@cup.hp.com),
the local curmudgeon:

"I'll type real slow so you can follow along."


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 11:37:03 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Linus -- A brilliant computer science student
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: "darren (d.) holloway" <dhollow@bnr.ca>

An Analysis of Charle Schulz's "Peanuts"
	-By Vikram Kumar Khare

Charlie Brown -- A symbol more than a character.  Charlie Brown represents
the angst, pain and rage of 20 something people living in a country which
will leave them a multi-trillion dollar debt, few job oppurtunities and
the clap.  Charlie Brown has the same intensity, passion & fury of 
great classical characters such as Melville's Ahab, Carlyle's Diogenes
Deufelsdroch(sp!!) and Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Peppermint Patty & Marcie -- sniff... sniff... I smell LESBIANS!!

Linus -- A brilliant computer science student who wrote a system fivish
UNIX clone during a 6 month hacking session.  Starting off in assembler,
he soon realized that the process would be sped up he if did some work in
C.  His OS now has a user base larger than that of Windows NT.

Snoopy -- Like Charlie Brown, Snoopy too is a symbol.  Snoopy represents
the imperialism, racism & hatred of White Male Beagles in Western
civilization.  The conflict between Snoopy & Lucy is symbolic of how a
great divide exists between men & women on issues such as rape, abortion
& affirmative action.

Woodstock -- Just three comments on this one:

	1)  Pluck him
	2)  Fry him
	3)  Eat him

Schroeder -- Represents the dying of the classics and the disregard
today's youth have for the beauty of the past.  No one really digs his
tunes.  They're just too old for the kids today to get.


Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 19:46:34 GMT
From: Euan Bayliss <euan@bayliss.dircon.co.uk>
Subject: Mr. Bastards
To: Multiple recipients of list TREPAN-L <TREPAN-L@BROWNVM.brown.edu>

[from The Guardian]
A man, who was charged 20 pounds for a 10 pound overdraft, changed his name
by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards.
The bank has now asked him to close the account and Mr. Bastards has asked
them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out to the new name.


Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 22:43:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Now, *this* is what I became a scientist *for*...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>

Now THIS is Science.   I'm personally funding the development of this 
research.  Anyone want in?

  Astronomers have discovered a huge cloud of alcohol in outer
space that would be enough to make 400 trillion trillion pints
of beer, a British newspaper reported today.
  Geoff MacDonald and Rolf Habing of the University of Kent and Tom 
Miller of the University of Manchester stumbled onto the cloud while 
studying a star formation with a telescope on Hawaii.
  "The alcohol is thinly spread over a huge area.  Dr. McDonald
estimates that in the cloud as a whole, there is enough to make 400
trillion trillion pints of beer," the London Times said.
  The cloud is around a newly formed star called G34.3 in the
constellation of Aquila but it is 10,000 light years away from potential
drinkers on Earth.


Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 09:01:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: One Leif to Live.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)

[Retyped without permission from World Press Review, April 1995]

  A case of mistaken identity in Telemark, Norway was taken to absurd
heights recently. Geir Fragel Karlsen reports in Oslo's _Verdens Gang_
on the tale of two Leifs. One, 44 years old, was surprised at home one
day by ambulance medics who insisted that he was seriously ill and had
to be taken to a hospital 30 miles away. Although he felt fine, his
protests met def ears: ``Once they were sure I was who they thought I
was, it did not matter what I said.'' Even after he was found sound by
attending physicians, he was asked to return the next day.
  The ambulance should have picked up a seriously ill 57-year-old Leif
with the same last name. The confusion stems not only from their
identical names; the men have the same family doctor, live in the same
apartment building, and had both visited a clinic for tests on the
same day. But only one patient's exams revealed a problem -- severely
low blood pressure and the likelyhood of blackouts.
  The medics found the healthy Leif standing in the shower when they
arrived, a situation they recognized as incongruous. ``We had been
sent to pick up a patient so ill that he could not stand up,'' the
ambulance driver later told Karlsen. ``He looked so healthy.''
Luckily, the sick Leif was also advised to come to the hospital.
Arriving by car shortly after the 44-year-old, he was informed: ``You
have already been admitted.''
  As if to invite further problems, the two Leifs ended up in the same
room. During morning rounds the following day, doctors got them
confused, asking the sound Leif about the afflictions of his suffering


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 09:20:51 +0400
From: "Patrick O'Callaghan" <poc@usb.ve>
Subject: On military music (YUCKS)
To: spaf

> Our U.S. military annually spends $25 Million more on military bands
> than the entire budget of the National Endowment for the Arts.
> $193 Million dollars is annually spent on "our" military bands, which
> employ more than 8000 people.
> The Pentagon is, in fact, the largest employer of musicians in the
> world.
> The Air Force's bagpipe unit is based in Georgia.

As Churchill said: "Military intelligence is to intelligence
as military music is to music ..."


Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 09:20:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: matthew green <mrg@fulcrum.com.au>

    "X.400 was designed by people who really didn't want to communicate
    with each other."


Date: Tue, 21 Mar 95 03:12:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Questions Cecil Is Still Thinking About
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

From: Cecil Adams' The Straight Dope 3-10-95
Copyright 1995 Chicago Reader

     If you stuck your head over a pot of boiling lard for a few
weeks would you gain weight? --Lee Johnson, Hermosa Beach,
     I was born in the U.S. My lover was born in Mexico and
lived there until he was twelve. Would it be possible through
ingestion of his semen to obtain his tolerance to the bacteria in the
drinking water of Mexico? If so, how much would it take? If not,
how about a partial blood transfusion? STDs have already been
ruled out. --Name Withheld, Chicago
     Several of our patients have told us of their fear that if they
burp, fart, and sneeze simultaneously, they will die. Like so many
other areas of concern to the general public, this topic was
inadequately covered, if at all, in our medical education.
Furthermore, many of us have experienced the simultaneous
occurrence of two of these physiological events (Tim Allen,
personal communication). The law of averages suggests for some
of us, a triple event (the "Big One"?) may eventually occur. If it
were to be accompanied by sudden death, this would be a subject
of legitimate anxiety. Thank you for your attention to this question.
--Richard Levenson, MD, Mark Swaim, MD, PhD, Duke
University Medical Center, Durham, North Carolina
     Don't mention it.


Date: Thu, 23 Mar 1995 22:40:52 -0500
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Reverse anthropomorphism
To: spaf

Computer users often indulge in "reverse anthropomorphism," or describing
human activities in computer terms.  My four year old daughter, a regular
user of paint programs on the macintosh, is no exception:
  "I have some gas I have to work out ... I have some poop way down here.
I want to just 'select all' and poop it out."

[Uh, I think you want the "eject" menu item. Or fly on an Airbus 340.


Date: Thu, 23 Mar 1995 19:32:02 -0800
From: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Subject: ShopTalk for Friday March 24, 1995
To: Multiple recipients of list SHOPTALK <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:SHOPTALK@GITVM1>

                 "Defense attorney Johnnie Cochran is
                  being sued for palimony by his former
                  mistress,  She feels she lived with
                  Cochran so long, she's entitled to half
                  of O.J.'s money."

                                  David Letterman

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"What do you call it when Kato Kaelin appears before 12 people? DINNER
THEATRE."  (Jay Leno)

"Pauley Shore took one look at Kato's performance and screamed: `That' my
act!" (Argus Hamilton)

"Kato declined the use of an interpreter.  Fortunately, Marcia Clark speaks
Californian." (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

"Kato's testimony may not be that reliable.  He was sworn in with his left
hand on Spin magazine." (Bob Mills)

"When he left court, Kato stopped by the unemployment office to see if
testifying qualifies as work." (Mills)

"There was some trouble for the defense Tuesday when Robert Shapiro
mistakenly refered to the knife in the mystery envelope as THE SPARE."

"Shapiro says he was wearing the blue ribbon in support of police in part
because of security they provide and threats on his life. And those are
just from fellow members of the Dream Team."  (Tony Peyser)

                                  o  o  o

In the News:  Comic Argus Hamilton, on House Republicans' plans to
eliminate school lunches:  "They say why should the federal government pay
for lunch?  That what lobbyists are for."

Hamilton on the Washington reception for supporters of Pat buchanan: "They
spent the entire evening sipping cocktails and asking each other if they
burned any good books recently."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Buchanan's candidacy:  "It makes the GOP race
more interesting.  Now, Phil Gramm is the moderate, and Bob Dole is the

"Chelsea Clinton went on her first date recently.  Her father still thinks
14 is a little young to be dating.  He didn't start doing that until after
he was married."  (Alan Ray)

Comic jenny Church, on the record number of telephone area codes that will
change this year:  "Nothing will change in New York City.  City residents
will keep punching the same three numbers: 911."


Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 18:01:11 -0800
From: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Subject: ShopTalk for Thursday March 23, 1995
To: Multiple recipients of list SHOPTALK <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:SHOPTALK@GITVM1>

                "This is by far the largest group of
                 radio and television correspondents ever
                 assembled this far from a Los Angeles

                                  President Clinton, surveying the crowd of
                                  1,600 at the Radio and Television
                                  Correspondents' Association dinner last

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"Robert Shapiro had O.J. show his middle finger to the jury.  Then he said,
`While your at it, why don't you show it to Marcia Clark and Christopher
Darden, too." (Jay Leno)

"Robert Shapiro had O.J. expose his middle finger in court. He wasn't
trying to make a point.  He just wanted to send a message to F. Lee
Bailey." (Alan Ray)

"What a surprise.  O.J. wasn't expected to show jurors that finger until
after the verdict." (Argus Hamilton)

"Those poor jurors.  O,J, gives them the finger one day, next day, Judge
Ito gives them the thumb." (Paul Ecker)

"Detective Phil Vannatter said that, except for the cut, O.J.'s middle
finger looks the same as any other during rush-hour traffic." (Brad

"O.J.'s middle finger was cut, swollen and bruised.  In fact, if he was a
cab driver, it would be a career-ending injury." (Leno)

"F. Lee Bailey also did show and tell.  After the ridicule he got for his
tactics last week, he let jurors examine his bruised, swollen ego." (Tony

"Fireworks continue on the O.J. defense team.  Robert Shapiro referred to
his fellow colleague as `F.U. Bailey." (David Letterman)

                                  o  o  o

It's Pat:  "Pat Buchanan declared his candidacy by insulting Jewish
protesters and calling for a cultural war.  What kind of campaign is this?
His followers were all wearing buttons that read, `Buchanan in '36."
(Argus Hamilton)

"Other Republicans could be in for a rough campaign.  When Pat joined the
cast of CNN's `Crossfire,' he wanted to use real bullets." (Bob Mills)

"Pat wants the National Guard to patrol our borders to keep illegal
immigrants out.  That's a good idea...we'll have the safest borders in the
world -- eight weeks a year." (Leno)

"Political pundits have described Pat Buchanan as `Newt Gingrich, without
the Southern warmth and gentility.'" (Bob Mills)

"On Monday, Pat Buchanan threw his hood into the ring." (Leno)

                                  o  o  o

Comedian Booker Washington, on Michael Jordan wearing a new jersey number
for the Chicago Bulls: "That's not right. To me, he will always be known as
`The Player Formerly Known as No.23."

"Madonna has signed with the William Morris Agency.  She's looking for big
parts.  And the guys in the mailroom are just her type." (Alan Ray)


Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 18:10:39 -0800
From: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Subject: ShopTalk for Wednesday March 22, 1995
To: Multiple recipients of list SHOPTALK <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:SHOPTALK@GITVM1>

                "A survey asking men who they would want
                 to be stranded with on a desert island
                 has Pamela Anderson tied with Sharon
                 Stone. Of course that's the No.1 choice:
                 Pamela Anderson tied TO Sharon Stone."

                                  Conan O'Brien

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"There's a new cocktail out there called THE ALIBI.  It's made with
Bailey's and OJ, and those who have tasted it say it's remarkably weak."
(Bob Lacey)

"Had another bomb scare at the Criminal Courts building. The defense
lawyers thought another witness might blow up in their faces." (Jay Leno).

"With big hype, but little delivery, the `Contract with America' is
sounding a lot like O.J.'s defense witnesses." (Tony Peyser)

"Shapiro said he didn't want to use the race card.  And, that if it wasn't
for O.J., he would have discarded the other jokers long ago." (Brad

Monday was Earth Day; the day targeted by the Dream Team that O.J. would be
officially declared `dirt poor.'" (Jerry Perisho)

                                  o  o  o

In The News:  Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Bob Dole telling the NRA that
he'll sponsor a bill to legalize automatic weapons: "It's a shrewd
political move. He doesn't want to concede the nut vote to Pat Buchanan
just yet."

Comic jenny Church, on candidate Buchanan saying he'll line the southern
U.S. border with troops: "That's just to keep most Americans from leaving."

"Pat Buchanan will run for president.  He's what you call a fringe
politician. He doesn't see the glass as half empty.  He sees the glass as a
plot by the liberal media to control what we drink." (Alan Ray)

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on some conservatives pressing Dan Quayle to get
into the race:  "There's probably no way.  They could draft him at the
convention, but he'd just call Dad."


Date: Mon, 20 Mar 95 20:50:51 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Something for the little lady...
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

Forwarded-by: "Kevin R. Strysik" <strysik@lmis.loral.com>

    CALL TOLL FREE 1-800-FOR-BHMA, 1-800-362-2462


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 16:04:38 -0800
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: T.Rev and Random's Guide to Lovecraftian Drinking
To: yucks@nothing.ucsd.edu, yucks

From: Russ Smith <russ@littlewood.math.okstate.edu>

T.Rev and Random's Guide to Lovecraftian Drinking


	1 part kahlua
	1 part vermouth
	1 part Yoo-Hoo

The drink that belongs at the bottom of the ocean locked in a tomb.


	9 parts Everclear
	1 part vodka

Makes you sit at the center of the universe and gibber.


	1 part NyQuil
	1 STP Oil Treatement

Puts you to sleep, kills you, then takes over your body and makes you drive
to Arkham.  Okay, not really.


	1 part Chambord
	1 part beet juice

Need we say more?



[It's nice to associate a name with what it was I drank as an
undergraduate.  However, we must not speak the name aloud... --spaf]


Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 22:08:40 -0800
From: Phil Karn <karn@unix.ka9q.ampr.org>
Subject: talkin' the legs off a chair
To: Tiffany_Taylor@mm.cobb.ziff.com

This list omitted one of *my* favorite Texan sayings:

"He's so dumb he wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the
instructions were printed on the heel."

Attributed to LBJ, who supposedly said it about Dean Rusk, his
Secretary of State.


Date: 10 Mar 1995 11:20:50 GMT
From: John Russell <johnr@chch.planet.co.nz>
Subject: The Modern Cyberpunk
Newsgroups: alt.cyberpunk

I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I rent my own apartment and it's full of electronic junk
I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III         
I'm very well aquainted too with matters pornographical
I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
I'm totally an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk

I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery 
and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!"
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck

I've hung around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at,
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat,
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue

When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland

My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see 
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.

(With apologies to G&S)


Date: Mon, 20 Mar 95 23:35:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Unix Wizard
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

[More for the Music of Unix file... -psl]

Forwarded-by: tompar@world.std.com (Tom Parmenter)
Forwarded-by: Jerry Leichter <leichter@lrw.com>
From: Jamie Mason <jmason2@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca>

(To the tune of Pinball Wizard)

   Unix Wizard

Ever since I heard of Unix
I've always had a ball,
  From Berkeley up to Linux
I must've run 'em all;
But I ain't seen nothing like him
On systems large or small
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

He sits just like a statue,
Like part of the machine,
Feeling all the limits,
Knows what signals mean,
Hacks by intuition,
His process never stalls,
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

He's a Unix Wizard,
I just can't get the gist
A Unix wizard's
Got such a mental twist.

How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?

Ain't got no distractions,
Don't hear no biffs or bells,
Don't see no lights a flashin'
Ignores his sense of smell,
Patches running kernels
Dumps no core at all,
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

I thought I was
The process table king,
But I've just handed
My root password to him.

Even on my own hot boxes,
His hacks can beat my best.
The network leads him in,
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy Finger servers
Never will seg-fault...
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 12:23:10 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Yucks Digest V5 #9 (shorts)
To: spaf

I grepped your latest yucks...
and you complain about ME having too much free time

> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

[Yes, well, Keith has always been in a class by himself.  --spaf]


End of Yucks Digest