Yucks Digest V5 #9 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Wed, 15 Mar 95       Volume 5 : Issue   9 

Today's Topics:
                            ${MAKE} scents
   ... drew attention to some things the critics failed to mention.
                    [Admin] Archive now available
             [llc@aes.purdue.edu: To grow or not to grow]
                        Autoerotic fatalities
                     Banana leaves as a metaphor
                             Barney Proof
                      Doesn't make me Spiderman.
 generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
                              gerbil 2?
          GIFs are available, for those who are interested.
                        Good Point  (The ATF)
                             Good point.
                      GOP attacks Constitution!
                          hum, and a warning
                           IBM Scrap (fwd)
                            JOTD (4 msgs)
              Of course, since it is an IRS product ...
              OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType...
                         Signs to watch for.
                     talkin' the legs off a chair
          The Air Force's bagpipe unit is based in Georgia.
               The Enhanced for Netscape Hall of Shame
  Too bad they'll discontinue it, you could make $10K every year...
                     weirdest posting of the week
 Why don't we have a "Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents"?
                     Yeah, that about sums it up.

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Thu, 16 Mar 95 08:58:00 GMT
From: Chris Paulin <CHRISP@tawera.monz.govt.nz>
To: spaf <spaf>

interesting message - wrong button huh?

>From 'Info summary for U.S. Congress and staff' via Fish-Ecology List:

"Eight-minute herring opening. On Mar. 5, 1995, British Columbia managers 
gave fishermen an 8-minute open season to catch 770 tons remaining 
unharvested in the Strait of Georgia's roe-herring fishery. In this time, 
harvesters exceeded the quota by an estimated 50 to 100 tons. [Assoc press]"

[An 8 minute season?  Reminds me of how often I got dates when I was
in high school.  So does the exceeded quota by tons.  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 17:56:04 -0600
From: mkb@ironwood.cray.com (Kristy Brown)
Subject: ${MAKE} scents
To: eniac

------- start of forwarded message (RFC 934 encapsulation) -------
Subject: Just What The World Needs
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 15:29:41 -0800


Idaho Computing has taken multimedia one sense further, by developing
a PC add-in board that uses chemicals to generate scents on your
computer.  The $199 ScentMaster can produce 36 distinctive smells,
such as "roses," "new car," "roasted coffee," and "dead animal in
wall."  The scent board functions in much the same way a sound card
does, except, instead of playing sounds, ScentMaster mixes three
chemicals (primary scents) to produce the various aromas which are
wafted into the atmosphere via a small spray-emitter module.
Additional scent software is available and a Macintosh version is
planned by the end of the year.  For more information, send e-mail to
idaho@netaxis.com.  (Internet World, April '95 p.16)

[I note that it was the *April* issue.  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 14:27:45 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... drew attention to some things the critics failed to mention.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Eric Allman <eric@cs.berkeley.edu>

>From The (New) New Yorker, February 13, 1995, Talk of the Town, pg 32:

Naked Truths

Terrence McNally's play ``Love! Valour! Compassion!'' ran for twelve weeks
at the Manhattan Theatre Club.  On February 14th, after twenty-eight
previews, it opens at the Walter Kerr, on Broadway.  So far, every preview
performance has been sold out.  The play received the highest praise from
the critics, but an informal survey of theatregoers drew attention to some
things the critics failed to mention.

Straight Woman, Upper East Side:
    The play is truly sad, but that's not the only thing about it that
    you remember.  The main thing is this young actor who is lying in the
    sun on his back during a lot of the second act.  He's wearing only
    dark glasses and silver hoop earrings.  He's young.  Young is the
    _point_.  I was sitting in the first row, and this actor -- his
    character is called Ramon, or sometimes Chiquita -- has his knees bent
    and his legs are pretty much apart.  I kept straining my neck to look
    around and see if any other people were staring at him, and it seemed,
    oddly, that they weren't.  Then this Ramon character stood up for a
    few seconds and faced the audience.  Now you could see all of his
    penis, which was extraordinarily long, and everything behind it was
    huge.  It was.

Gay Man, Chelsea:
    Here I am, and I've been to every sex club, and I've seen people beat
    one another with whips, and I was still shocked.  I still took a step
    back.  But I think maybe that's because he does have such a huge cock.
    It was _huge_.  You have to say, ``Was that how he got the part?''
    It _is_ huge.  Absolutely.  And I've seen quite a few.

Straight Man, Hell's Kitchen:
    If one goes by the Greek norm -- Greek statues are far from well hung
    -- it was a disproportionately long penis.  Nowadays, the sexual
    confusion is such that exaggerated differences come to be valued
    aesthetically in a way that would have been thought preposterous by
    the people who founded the Western aesthetic.

Straight Woman, Bel Air, California:
    Well, I never used to really look-look-look, you know?  I kind of do
    now.  I still haven't really looked in the light.  The other night,
    the man I live with was taking a pink Vitabath, and that's the closest
    I've got to examining and looking.  So in New York, and that play, I
    just sat there with my mouth wide open, and I was mesmerized by it.

Gay Man, Greenwich Village:
    During the show I was very aware of my head movements, of my head
    moving back and forth because my eyes were following a naked actor on
    the stage.  Well, I did sort of look around to see if anyone would
    notice what _I_ was doing.

[That isn't what they meant by having a "long run".  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 16:54:39 -0500 (EST)
From: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
Subject: [Admin] Archive now available
To: notw@nine.org (News of the Weird)

The long-awaited and much-requested News of the Weird archive is
now up and running.  The archive contains some columns from as far
back as July, 1992, and every column since the electronic mailing
list started in June, 1993.  The preferred method for access to
the archive is via the World Wide Web, the URL for News of the Weird


If you cannot access the WWW, some subset of the material available
on the WWW is available for anonymous ftp.  NOTE:  Please, please,
please, do not use the ftp site unless you absolutely cannot browse
the WWW!  I simply cannot support large numbers of ftps, and will be
forced to close it off if there are too many people trying to access
it.  Anyhow, the ftp site is ftp.nine.org, look in /pub/notw there.
There is nothing on the ftp site that is not also on the WWW pages.

If you notice problems of any kind (even typos) on either the WWW
pages or the ftp site, please let me know.  Note that new columns
will not be added to the WWW or ftp sites until after they are sent
out to the mailing list.

[This is definitely worth checking out.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 13 Mar 95 14:24 EST
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: [llc@aes.purdue.edu: To grow or not to grow]
To: spaf

Dear Sir (or Madam):
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for
$1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer
not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't riased.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year
when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs.
If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring
in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane
I've been wanting.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed
the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information your department has on this program, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food
Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the
coming election.
 Patriotically yours,
Just Waiting In Iowa
PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
surplus cheese?
                  -Originally printed in the Herbal Spotlight
                   (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539)


Date: Wed, 15 Mar 95 14:37:06 PST
From: Amber Luttrell <adl@guest.apple.com>
Subject: Autoerotic fatalities
To: spaf

(Forwards removed)

>  O'Halloran, Ronald L.; Dietz, Park E.
>      Autoerotic fatalities with power hydraulics.
>    Journal of Forensic Sciences, 1993 Mar, v38 (n2):359-364.   

'nuff said.


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 10:08:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Banana leaves as a metaphor
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com

WhiteBoard News for March 13, 1995

Los Angeles, California:

I knew that by assembling seven different people and forcing them to live
together, the show would have great philosophical implications.  On a much
larger scale this happens all the time.  Eventually, the Israelis are
going to have to learn to live with the Arabs.  We have one world, and
'Gilligan's Island' was my way of saying that."

Sherwood Schwartz, "Gilligan's Island" creator.

[I knew there had to be some deeper meaning.  --spaf]


Date: Sun, 12 Mar 95 23:30:35 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Barney Proof
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

[I heard somebody on NPR yesterday doing a marvelous job of shredding the  
Barney haters -- her main thesis was that Barney was intent on communicating  
with babies, not his adult antagonists.  It made perfect sense (and it's about  
time something made sense).  Of course, anything this popular has got to be  
ready for a little teasing...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: <CircleFish@aol.com>
Forwarded by: 39000O3D@kerner.com (Tim Schafer)
From: Gary Brubaker on Thu, Mar 9, 1995 2:09 PM

Proof of the week:

 Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
 Prove: Barney is Satanic

       The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
       printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
       Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR


       Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
       CV    V  L  DI    V

       And their decimal equivalents are:
       100 5 5 50 500 1 5

       Adding those numbers produces: 666.

       666 is the number of the Beast.



Date: Sat, 11 Mar 1995 09:08:22 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Doesn't make me Spiderman.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

ShopTalk For Monday March 13, 1995

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"The defense is trying to say Detective Mark Fuhrman is an Aryan racist
because a cartoon on his desk contained a Nazi insignia. I have cobwebs
under my desk.  Doesn't make me Spiderman."  (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

The defense claims it has no desire to use Fuhrman as a race card.  But it
did ask prosecutors to shuffle his files before turning them over.

                                  o  o  o

In the Nudes:  Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the female NYPD fired for posing
nude in Playboy:  "The centerfold was discovered completely by chance when
the chief bought a copy just to read the interview."

"What kind of country fires a 25-year-old woman for going topless, but lets
50-year-old Dennis Franz run around bottomless?" (Leno)


Date: Mon, 06 Mar 1995 15:55:32 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: geek!

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 08:08:39 -0800
From: juzerba@atlas71 (Juzer Bannister)
To: ssla.only@atlas71
Subject: Top Ten Signs to tell you're an Internet Geek.

----- Begin Included Message -----

Here are the final results of the January
Macmillan USA Information SuperLibrary TOP TEN List.  A new TOP TEN list
runs monthly in the online newsletter of the Macmillan Information
SuperLibrary, found on the World Wide Web at http://www.mcp.com/.
The monthly contest is available to the millions of people who have
Internet email.  Winners of  the monthly contest are awarded prizes from
the SuperLibrary.  To enter the contest visit the SuperLibrary
on the Web, or subscribe to the SuperLibrary Newsletter by sending email
to majordomo@misl.mcp.com with the words SUBSCRIBE INFO-MISLNEWS [Your
email Address] in the body of the message .
Winners will be notified by email.

The Macmillan Information SuperLibrary

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your
      IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead
     your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out
   how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your
children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so
"colon-right parentheses!"

...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".

----- End Included Message -----


Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 11:29:57 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: zimmerma@tartan.com (Rob Zimmermann)
Forwarded-by: Tony Knaus <awk@scout.ece.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: patl@athena.mit.edu (Patrick J. LoPresti)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack

When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi *and*
Emacs are just too damn slow.  They print useless messages like, 'C-h for
help' and '"foo" File is read only'.  So I use the editor that doesn't
waste my VALUABLE time.

Ed, man!  !man ed

ED(1)               UNIX Programmer's Manual                ED(1)

     ed - text editor

     ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
     Ed is the standard text editor.

Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first
alphabetically, but because it's the standard.  Everyone else
loves ed because it's ED!

"Ed is the standard text editor."

And ed doesn't waste space on my Timex Sinclair.  Just look:

- - -rwxr-xr-x  1 root          24 Oct 29  1929 /bin/ed
- - -rwxr-xr-t  4 root     1310720 Jan  1  1970 /usr/ucb/vi
- - -rwxr-xr-x  1 root  5.89824e37 Oct 22  1990 /usr/bin/emacs

Of course, on the system *I* administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a syslog
message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K;
and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!

"Ed is the standard text editor."

Let's look at a typical novice's session with the mighty ed:

golem> ed

eat flaming death

Note the consistent user interface and error reportage.  Ed is
generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
the novice with verbosity.

"Ed is the standard text editor."

Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.


When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless
help screens and cursor positioning code!  I just want an EDitor!!
Not a "viitor".  Not a "emacsitor".  Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED!


When IBM, in its ever-present omnipotence, needed to base their
"edlin" on a UNIX standard, did they mimic vi?  No.  Emacs?  Surely
you jest.  They chose the most karmic editor of all.  The standard.

Ed is for those who can *remember* what they are working on.  If you
are an idiot, you should use Emacs.  If you are an Emacs, you should
not be vi.  If you use ED, you are on THE PATH TO REDEMPTION.  THE



Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 12:37:31 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: gerbil 2?

>"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake..."

This is _very_ reminiscent of my favorite Yucks submission of all time,
the one about the two, er, "men of an alternative sexual preference",
shall we say, and the rocket-propelled gerbil (RPG)?  For old time's
sake, and for the edificication of any new Yucks readers, can you run
that one again?  I need a good laugh...

[Well, okay.  For old time's sake.  It was in Yucks V3(31).  I note
a more than accidental correspondance to the rat story in V5(8). Methinks
they are the same story (or same urban legend).  --spaf]

From: rdurant@wv.MENTORG.COM (Rich Durant)
Subject: gerbil abuse
To: spaf

I had to pass this along.

The following was sent to me by the Hashers list server,
harriers@usc.edu, being submitted by pete@nssg.eurocontrol.fr (Peter
Hullah aka Towering Infernal). I hope it's suitable . . .

[Suitable?  Heck, it's almost canonical!  --spaf]


The following is taken, without permission, from `Private Eye'
(a, nay the, British satirical magazine) which reprinted it 
(probably without permission!) from the `Bloomberg News Service', 
11 Aug 1993

> `In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
> only trying to retrieve the gerbil,' Vito Bustone told bemused
> doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
> Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kiki Rodriguez, had been
> admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
> seriously wrong. `I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
> slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in,' he explained. `As usual, Kiki
> shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried
> to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
> into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
> attract him.'
> At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
> what happened next. `The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas
> and a flame shot up the tube, igniting Mr Bustone's moustache
> and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's
> fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of
> gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like
> a cannonball.'
> Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
> impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second
> degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff
> Hugo Root later told reporters: `It's Faggot I feel sorry for.
> Being stuffed up some queen's tradesman's entrance...'

[Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands...  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 15:37:40 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: GIFs are available, for those who are interested.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: tooch@FirmWorks.COM (Mike Tuciarone)

We have a new puppy. It's typically mouthy (for a puppy), so Cathy got
onto AOL to ask puppy advice, figuring there's got to be a chat group
for such questions ("How do I keep my pup from eating my living room,
one bite at a time?")

She reports she scanned the list of chat rooms, and found one that looked
appropriate: "Dog-Lovers."

It wasn't. I leave it to your imagination what sort of questions get asked
in the Dog-Lovers chat, but suffice to say long-time Usenet readers
will not be shocked, and probably could have warned her in advance.

P.S. GIFs are available, for those who are interested.

[Well, it's one way to keep the puppy busy and not chewing on the
sofa, I guess.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 15 Mar 95 16:23:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Good Point  (The ATF)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

From: peter hall <PHALL@yalevm.ycc.yale.edu>
re: alchohol, tobacco, & firearms

In case you didn't catch President Clinton's mot on this subject, he proposed
combining ATF, the Fish & Wildlife Service, and the bureau that regulates
interstate trucking -- and calling it the Department of Guys.


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 15:07:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
From: todd@ftp.com  (Todd Prior)

I was bored last week and a thought occured to me.  Why is it that there
is a government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms?  I
was bored enough to call up the regional office of said bureau...  I asked
the man who answered the phone "What wine goes best with an M-16?"  He
did his best to be helpful, however.  "That depends.  What are you smoking?"


Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 14:03:08 -0800
From: Phil Karn <karn@qualcomm.com>
Subject: GOP attacks Constitution!
To: pkarn@access.digex.com, pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com, spaf

>[I'm not sure which is the bigger tragedy, that they would vote down
>the spirit of the 4th, or that no one who voted against it recognized
>it.  --spaf]

Since that item appeared on Yucks, the web server at the Library of
Congress has put the Congressional Record on line. I am currently
reading the transcript of the House floor debate that occurred on Feb
7 (Look for keyword "search", member name "Watts" and read forward
from there).

Unfortunately it seems that everybody was well aware that the text of
the Watts amendment was word-for-word the text of the Fourth
Amendment. Watts said as much in his introductory remarks.

That makes the following debate no less silly and disturbing, of

I think I recently heard the results of a poll sayng that those who
watch a lot of CSPAN have a lower opinion of government than those who
don't watch. Guess that shouldn't be a surprise...


Date: Wed, 1 Mar 95 18:15:08 GMT
From: Jeff Dalton <jeff@aiai.edinburgh.ac.uk>
Subject: hum, and a warning
To: eniac

---- Start of forwarded text ----
From: wsadjw@urc.tue.nl (Jan Willem Nienhuys)
Newsgroups: sci.skeptic
Subject: Mysterious hum solved?
Date: 28 Feb 95 12:59:53 GMT

Some people hear an annoying low hum, all the time.  What is it?  Mr.
Sessink, audioengineer working for Philips, thinks he knows.  Sewer
systems have pumps in them.  These pumps produce the hum (about 75

In the place where Sessink lives there are 140 such pumps in an area of
34.5 square km (that's 13.3 square miles for you decimally challenged
persons across the Atlantic).

Sessink can distinguish some of these pumps by their tone.  They even
produce beats between them.  Sometimes he hears the tone go down, when
a pump carries a heavy load.

The sound is very soft, near the hearing threshold (0 dB).  The sound
is transmitted through the earth, and Sessink says that you'll have to
be 1 km (0.6 miles for DCPs) removed from a sewer well before you can't
hear it anymore.

Sessink found out by accident. He stayed in a place where the hum
disappeared when the sewer pump broke down. After the sewer pump was
repaired `his' hum returned. Until then he had doubted whether it was
not a phenomenon between his own ears.

In many places sewer pipes transport sewage by natural gradients, but
this gradient needs some assistance. Sewage is collected in wells, and
the wells contain pumps to bring the sewage to a higher level.

Once you have learnt to notice the hum, you can't forget about it
anymore.  You can "learn" to hear the hum as follows. Let a tone
generator produce a loud 75 Hz hum. Decrease the volume. If you have
sharp ears i.e. if you are unlucky, you won't hear the sound vanish.
It will stay with you forever, as long as you stay in sewered parts of

So better don't do that.


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 11:28:02 -0600 (CST)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: IBM Scrap (fwd)
To: spaf (spaf)

>From linneweh_lou@msah.cig.mot.com Tue Mar 14 10:55:14 1995
Subject: IBM Scrap

Sitting in the hall are two IBM tape drives and 7 IBM 3375 disk drives (3'H x
18"W x 2'D).  The interior of the disk drives reminds one of a modern day
turbine engine - all heavy castings with machined fittings.

I thought you might know the answer to this question: what is the capacity of a
3375?  It appears to be a few gallons, but how many bites per gallon?  :-)

[Well, when it is soup, we measure it in slurps per gallon, not bites.
I don't know about a 3375.  --spaf]


Date: Sat, 11 Mar 1995 09:09:21 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

ShopTalk for Friday March 10, 1995

"There will even be replacement officials at Opening day festivities. I
understand that Newt Gingrich's mom has been invited to throw out the
First Lady."

	  S.F. comic Stu Silverstein


Date: Sat, 11 Mar 1995 09:12:33 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

ShopTalk for Friday March 10, 1995

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"Emad Salem, a star prosecution witness in the World Trade center bombing,
has admitted to so many lies that he's been made an honorary O.J. defense
witness." (Tony Peyser)

Jay Leno, on The Newt's gay half-sister speaking in Washington: "She talked
about the pain of realizing that a member of her own family was a
politician...to find out that you have one of those Congress people in your

Comic Argus Hamilton, on GOP's furor at Republican Hatfield for voting
against the balanced budget amendment: "He said he wouldn't vote for it
because of principle. That sent everyone scurrying for a dictionary."


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 15:03:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Heard from an IBM'er

Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.


Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 23:09:23 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
ShopTalk For Thursday March 2, 1995

Le Cirque d'O.J.

"Detective Mark Fuhrman allegedly had a Nazi symbol on his desk -- a `Pat
Buchanan For President' button." (Paul Ryan)

"Prosecutors in the O.J. Simpson trial will introduce a second maid in the
area who will contradict Rosa Lopez.  She actually had a better view of the
estate. She was standing on the grassy knoll." (Alan Ray)

"Judge Lance Ito has given Rosa Lopez a free room in a nice hotel and free
meals so she won't leave the country.  Can't you just hear Kato Kaelin?
`Rad surf in Australia, dudes.  Gotta split tomorrow.'" (R. J. Johnson)

"Lopez insisted on a new translator.  Apparently, she couldn't understand
the phrase, `the whole truth and nothing but the truth.'" (Cutler Comedy

"Johnnie Cochran went ballistic when the original interpreter kept
translating `white Ford Bronco' as `blue Toyota Minivan.'" (Bob Mills)

"Judge Ito reversed himself and ordered Lopez's testimony taped.  That way
they can add the laugh track later." (Cutler)

"Lopez was caught not telling the truth so many times that Cochran stopped
the trial and offered to make her a full partner in his law firm." (Jay

"Lopez ended her testimony by saying the only English she knows: `OK, Mr.
Johnnie, where's my Mercedes and the book deal?'" (Brad Halpern)

"Carl Douglas admitted the defense withheld more evidence.  He's fallen on
his sword so many times, his doctor made him take a tetanus shot." (Tony
                                  o  o  o

In the news:  Jay Leno, on Sen. Phil Gramm taking five student deferments
to stay out of Vietnam.  "He's making Clinton look like Gen. Patton."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President signing an executive order Monday to
crack down on deadbeat dads:  "He said enough is enough, and that it's time
France came back and helped pay the cost of raising Haiti."

President Clinton went jogging with "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff.  Both
lead very different lives.  Each week one is entangled with some hot new
babe. And the other is a actor."  (Alan Ray)

Cutler Comedy Network, on what most Cajuns say after Mardi Gras: "Laissez
les bon temps rouler.  Roughly translated, it means: `I need help raising


Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 13:36:40 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Of course, since it is an IRS product ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: mk@TFS.COM (Mike King)

From: Edupage 3/14/95 

The IRS is offering a $29 1994 Tax Forms CD-ROM (202-512-1800).  The disk
uses Adobe Acrobat software to produce perfect copies of any 1994 tax form
you'd ever need.  Of course, since it is an IRS product, installing the
disk requires you to ignore the printed instructions and figure out how to
do it on your own.  (Business Week 3/20/95 p.18)


Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 11:39:58 -0500
From: (null)
Subject: OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>

In honor of the new Windows Flag above the corporate campus:

                    The  National  Anthem
                       Windows  Nation

           OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType,
       What so proudly we mailed to our users upgrading?
  Whose class libs and tool bars, through the marketing hype,
    Four meg RAM cards they'd bought, final beta awaiting.
      And the testers declare, fix the bugs on the share,
        Codeview'd every byte of our way cool software.
         Oh, say does that user friendly icon yet wave
                   O'er the land of the GUI,
                 and the Windows of the brave.

                                   copyright (c) 1992, Bogus Music
                                   lyrics, deanb
                                   inspiration, stevesh


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 09:47:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signs to watch for.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>

	There's an art to knowing when.
	  Never try to guess.
	Toast until it smokes and then
	  Twenty seconds less.
		  -- Piet Hein

From: robert@rockmore.com (Robert D. Poor)

I think it was Piet Hein who also wrote something like:

	Since everything's either
	Concave or convex
	All that you dream
	Is something with sex.

This poem made quite an impression on me when I stumbled across it
at age 10.   Perhaps it's a bad sign, but I now prefer the toast poem.


Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 08:50:31 -0500 (EST)
From: Tiffany_Taylor@mm.cobb.ziff.com
Subject: talkin' the legs off a chair
To: bob

From: Tiffany Taylor on Mon, Mar 13, 1995 8:48 AM
Subject: talkin' the legs off a chair
To: bob
Homespun sayings from the Lone Star state, excerpted from "Texas Monthly." Makes
you want to put on your ten-gallon hat and go rope some armadillos.
He's all hat and no cattle.
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
He's so busy you'd think he was twins.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
Cold as a cast-iron commode.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
So ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she
     doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
So buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.

[Contributor's note: These come from a new magazine called "Civilization" -- I
recommend it to those of you who are interested in history and culture. It's
billed as "the magazine of the Library of Congress," which of course means that
they have access to every blessed periodical and book in the country for
interesting material. Kind of a cross between "Smithsonian" and "American
Heritage."   --T]


Date: Sun, 12 Mar 1995 16:22:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Air Force's bagpipe unit is based in Georgia.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <rootbear@netcom.com>

[In the March/April issue of] Mother Jones an alarming and dismal

Our U.S. military annually spends $25 Million more on military bands
than the entire budget of the National Endowment for the Arts.

$193 Million dollars is annually spent on "our" military bands, which
employ more than 8000 people.

The Pentagon is, in fact, the largest employer of musicians in the

The Air Force's bagpipe unit is based in Georgia.

[Which is scarier -- that the AF has a bagpipe unit, or that they
are based in Georgia?  I guess it depends on whether you live in
the southeast US... --spaf]


Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 21:54:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Enhanced for Netscape Hall of Shame
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

     From: Netsurfer Digest V1 #12

     Netsurfer Digest Home Page   http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/index.html
     Netsurfer Digest FTP Site    ftp://ftp.netsurf.com/pub/nsd/README


     Charles Owen likes Netscape, he really does. What he doesn't like are
     Web sites that needlessly warn they are "bloody well Netscape/Mozilla
     enhanced" and "if you are not using Netscape you'll probably see only
     gibberish", when in fact any browser would perform admirably. He's put
     together a page of such sites. To qualify, a site must declare itself
     Netscape-enhanced (about 100 do) and either not use any enhancements
     (like blinking text), overuse them in a particularly annoying manner,
     or look identical on any Web client.

For example: (from "http://www.cs.dartmouth.edu/~cowen/netscape.html")

    Warwick has the first Netscape Deenhanced page that I've seen.
    Just to be sure you don't use Netscape on his page, he blinks
    everything. It's really annoying.


Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 10:58:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Too bad they'll discontinue it, you could make $10K every year...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>

From: srt@sun-dimas.aero.org (Scott Turner)
Newsgroups: comp.ai,comp.ai.philosophy
Subject: Re: Loebner Prize 1995 Announcement & Rules
Date: 3 Mar 1995 18:59:13 GMT

loebner@ACM.ORG (HUGH LOEBNER) writes:
>However, to celebrate the first unrestricted Turing Test, this rule
>will be waived for the 1995 contest only.  Should the median rank of
>a computer equal or exceed the overall median rank of the
>confederates -- in other words, should that computer prove to be
>indistinguishable from the typical human in the event -- the Grand
>Prize of $100,000 and a gold medal will be awarded, and the contest
>will be discontinued.

I'm tempted to enter a program that prints this out:

	You are conversing with a computer program, not a human being.
	If you rank this computer program as the most human-like, and
	this program wins the Grand Prize of $100,000, the writer of
	this program will split that prize evenly with you and the
	other judges who vote likewise.

	Thank you for participating in the Loebner Prize competition.

I figure to make at least $10K off this, which is probably worth the
effort to write the necessary shell script.


Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 09:52:30 -0800
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: weirdest posting of the week
To: yucks@nothing.ucsd.edu, yucks

From: rugosa@escape.com (FLORIBUNDA)
Newsgroups: sdnet.general
Subject: please snail me yer rosehips
Date: 10 Mar 1995 01:42:57 GMT

Subject: please snail me yer rosehips
Newsgroups: sdnet.general

Location: new york city	

Age: 30+

Clothing Size: 22-24, dress-size (merican); XXL or XXXL, 
               winter-coat/pants/skirts-size; 7-8 1/2 WWW, shoe-size.

Computer Type: 486-66 pc clone mm

Hobbies: gardening, cats & dogs, netsurfing, psych & Disabled issues,gadfly

Occupation: Gainfully Unemployed & on SSI (on the dole)

Fetishes: Choclate Anything

Other: snail me yer rosehips and lilac seedpods--I like to grow them from 


  Gabrielli *ZINFANDEL*(Red-Blend) and *Ascenza*(White-Blend) Wines: Yummy! 


[Repeat after me:  Some people have entirely too much free time....  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 15:05:08 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why don't we have a "Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents"?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: The British plug in

>From the San Jose Mercury News, 2/2/92

    Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances
in that country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical
    Britons, for we don't know how long, have been required to buy
plugs and attach them to their new toasters, irons and electrical
what have yous.
    But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing
its research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it
is common practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods
with a plug attached."


Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 19:05:22 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, that about sums it up.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Forwarded-by: ark@tamri.com (Alene Kercheval)

Newsgroups: comp.security.unix,comp.sys.dec

Peter R Cook  <prc@world.std.com> wrote in <D534x2.962@world.std.com>:
> Unix is inherently an engineers operating system.  It's user-hostile
> and it was designed that way.

No, no, no!  Unix is user-friendly.  It is just a bit -- um --
selective with its friends.


End of Yucks Digest