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Yucks Digest V5 #11 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 9 Apr 95 Volume 5 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
... because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art.
... we always said that *Papa* Walter would [be] more appropriate.
[1] Microsoft declares Employee Split
AN (800) NUMBER IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS The Excitement of an 800 Number
assault and battery with a chili pepper...
A wrong turn on the information superhighway.
batteries not included
Be Mother Theresa or play hockey: now there's a choice.
Canadian Water
computer security from comp.sys.sgi.misc
For YUCKS
From: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
Girls of the Net
Good to Know.
Happy Anniversary!
He has a point, you know...
Hillary's Health Care
Indian Pigs Not Members Of Jackson Fan Club
Deafening Silence For Eavesdroppers
Job Frustration
Joke of the Day
JOTD (2 msgs)
Pet Store On Wheels
Positive I.D.
Publish or Perish
QOTD (2 msgs)
Question O' The Day
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
serious refund
Sex in America? Not if we can help it...
Space in pigs!
Step out of the car, ma'am ...
Stuck with the crime
The Information Supercowpath
Top Ten list
Urban legend of the day (how'd they count the rounds...)
Warped Drive
With no one left to drive...
Words to live by.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@Tadpole.COM>
Forwarded-by: Dan Bornstein <danfuzz@milk.com>
Forwarded-by: dmc@cam.sri.com (David Carter)
Who says Germans have no sense of humour? The following is from the
Big Issue:
"One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that
they're flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or
giraffes, or humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager
Jason Evans, of Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours
stuck in one after using it in an attempt to get into his house. He
was eventually cut free by firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther
Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because
passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41,
of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys.
Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who
removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck
a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany
Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by
assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when
an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good!
Very clever!' and threw coins at me." "
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 11:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... we always said that *Papa* Walter would [be] more appropriate.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: <omitted@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: danceswithcarp <cdcombs@access.bloomington.in.us>
Forwarded-by: <dmandl@panix.net>
"And That's the Way It REALLY Is":
Ex-wife's book is Bad News for Cronkite
He may be considered the most trusted man in the world by 77% of
Americans, but according to Walter Cronkite's ex-wife, "for 25 years I
had to hide my pocketbook in a hollowed-out couch cushion to prevent him
from robbing every cent I have."
This and other startling revelations will appear in a no-holds-barred,
tell-all memoir by Dorothy Winthrop Cronkite, the news icon's wife of a
quarter century. Among the other allegations made in the book, to be
published this fall by Simon & Schuster: Cronkite had such a foul mouth
that terrified CBS news executives considered airing his nightly news
program with a 12-second delay; he was not on a special assignment in
Indochina as was claimed during a two-week absence from the airwaves in
1965, but rather on a "bourbon and whore binge" in Gatlinburg, Tennessee;
he amassed such a large pornography collection that he was offered
$340,000 for it by a Las Vegas night club owner in 1970; and he once made
his seven-year-old daughter swallow a live flounder after the child
misbehaved.
The most shocking claim of all: that Cronkite fathered more than two dozen
children while covering a story in the Philippines in the late 1950's.
"Americans used to refer to him as 'Uncle Walter'," the former Mrs.
Cronkite laughs, "but we always said that _Papa_ Walter would have been
more appropriate."
According to an ex-colleague of Cronkite's of CBS, who spoke on condition
of anonymity: "None of this is anything we haven't all known for decades.
I was in the navy for 15 years and I never heard a mouth like Walter's.
The man was absolutely out of his mind."
A spokesman for Cronkite dismissed the allegations as "absolute rubbish."
------------------------------
Date: Sat Apr 01 09:01:31 MST 1995
From: info@Microsoft.COM (Ministry of Truth)
Subject: [1] Microsoft declares Employee Split
Newsgroups: biz.misc,misc.headlines,misc.invest.stocks
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 1, 1995 -- Microsoft Corporation today
announced that its Board of Directors approved a 3-for-2 employee
split. All Microsoft employees will undergo binary fission,
thus doubling the workforce. Managers will receive one additional
employee for every two current employees working on the record
date of April 5, 1995. Fractional employees will be made into
hamburger to be served at the fine Microsoft cafeterias.
Shareholders must approve an amendment to the Company's Certificate
of Incorporation to authorize the genetic engineering necessary
to effect the employee split. A special meeting of shareholders will
be held on April 3, 1995 for that purpose.
"Our decision requiring any additional allocation of funds to payroll.
And besides, some of those fractional developers will make a
tasty burger!" said Bill Gates, Chairman and Chief Executive
Officer.
As of March 27, 1995, Microsoft had approximately twenty thousand
employees. Upon completion of the split, that number will increase
to approximately fifteen thousand, with over a thousand tons of
spare meat being allocated to the cafeterias. The new employees would
begin work on or about April 10, 1995, and the new burgers will become
available at approximately the same time.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 1995 10:47:16 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: AN (800) NUMBER IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS The Excitement of an 800 Number
I work for a college located in the northeastern part of the United
States. While only a little more than half of our 5,500 students are
females, some folks have gotten the idea that we are a school for
women.
The school recently got toll-free 800 numbers for its admission
and financial aid offices. The admission's number ends in a 4 and the
financial aid number ends in a 5. (The form is (800) xxx-xxx4 and
xxx5 --note how I have carefully avoided the commercialization of
the INTERNET by not listing the actual numbers!)
Shortly after the numbers went into operation we discovered that
the number for the admission's office had been recycled. It had
previously belonged to a Bridal Salon of some sort and our
secretaries soon found themselves trying to convince callers that we
were a college and really couldn't help them to plan their weddings.
We found out the latest wrinkle in our (800) situation when the
bemused mother of a prospective student called the admission's
office to say that she had make a mistake while trying to call the
financial aid office. She said that she knew the number was either
one more or one less than the admission's office number. So, she
dialed (800) xxx-xxx3. What she heard was: "You've reached the
hotest phone line in the country where young horney girls are only a
phone call away."
Ah, the joys of modern technology.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Apr 1995 13:57:51 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX BLACK <REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG>
Subject: assault and battery with a chili pepper...
To: SPAF
In the "no sense of humor" category, there is a Denny's chef facing
charges of assault (a felony) in New Hampshire for allegedly
spiking two Vermont policemen's eggs with Tobasco sauce. The
officers claim to have suffered "burned mouths and upset stomachs"
from the experience. The chef, in his defense, says he has no
idea how the Tobasco got in their eggs and asserts that it must have
been left on the grill from a previous order. The prosecution,
however, claims to have a witness that saw him spice up the eggs.
Oh, yeah, we've got a real serious crime problem in this country.
What we need is: Tobasco control. Time for background checks and
waiting periods for the purchase of pepper products...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A wrong turn on the information superhighway.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Tom.Kessler@Eng.Sun.COM (Tom Kessler, Internet Dude)
I was looking for the surfing page that has the videos of the live surf
as I now have the PC tools to view this stuff.
So anyway I go to yahoo and ask it to search on a string with the right
characteristics. It comes back with 100 odd responses the first of
which is:
Business:Corporations:Sex
Amber's WWW Plezure Guide - Hot List of 20 Verified Erotic WWW sites
guaranteed to provide maximum pleasure. Enjoy Live Nude Videoconferences,
Huge Databases of downloadable XXX-rated images and movies in GIF JPEG
and MPEG formats, Confidential Cybersex and Dating Services, Love
teachings of the Kama Sutra, and a free trial subscription to the on-line
bi-weekly magazine Sexsurfer.
I must add I'm afraid to try it as all the Internet people I know look
scary enough fully clothed on sd/vic already. I guess this is the sort
of thing that happens when your search software is written by male
stanford undergrads.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 1995 21:08:57 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: batteries not included
To: spaf
[from http://www.epri.com/Information/Reports/TR_104400.html]
ORDER TR-104400
[....]
Nonmembers: You can order this report from the EPRI Distribution
Center, [....] Payment must accompany order. Domestic Price:
>>> $20,000.00 Add $10.00 for shipping and handling. (California residents
add 8.25% sales tax.)
[Just what we need digital cash for, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Be Mother Theresa or play hockey: now there's a choice.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Steven Waltman:
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the _Titanic_ went down today, a little more than a
third of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate
families, according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of
200 people interviewed for the _Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's_ "Titanic Test."
Everybody would be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The _Titanic's_ April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including
1,329 men; about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male
survivors were scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of
filling lifeboats with "women and children first."
The _Post-Gazette_ asked western Pennsylvania residents if they
would save their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and
strangers. The survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty
two percent of male passengers said they would give up their seats to her,
but only 8 percent to Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario
Lemieux.
-- From the Rochester _Democrat and Chronicle_, 4/14/92
[There's at least 3 cheap jokes in this one, without even trying. How
many can *you* spot? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 20:21:10 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Canadian Water
To: spaf
From: 92003623@white.lambton.on.ca
=>
=> I noticed the other day that the first ingredient listed on my
=> bottle of "Canadian Clear" water is "Canadian Water."
=>
=> What's the chemical symbol for this, H2O-A?
=>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 1995 10:34:09 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: computer security from comp.sys.sgi.misc
To: spaf
>From: ted@hmc.edu (Ted Lilley)
>Newsgroups: comp.sys.sgi.misc,comp.security.unix
>Subject: Re: SATAN, Dan Farmer, SGI, security, etc.
>Date: 27 Mar 1995 19:10:16 GMT
[Dave is Dave Olson of SGI. --Pat]
Dave> Anybody who cares about their password, and types it into a telnet
Dave> or rsh session deserves what they get. It's easy to get that
Dave> simply by snooping on the network.
Yeah, I eliminated telnet and rsh a long time ago. Anybody who uses those
things deserves to get cracked.
It does get a little bit crowded with all our users jostling around the
console here though...
<ouch> Do you mind???
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 1995 13:43:23 +0400
From: "Patrick O'Callaghan" <poc@usb.ve>
Subject: For YUCKS
To: spaf
Discovered in a newsletter put out by the General Council of
the University of Edinburgh:
"It is with deepest regret that the members of the General Council are
notified that the name Kirk, John, MB ChB of 1945, was wrongly included
in the list of deceased members ..."
Need I say more?
"News of my demise is greatly exaggerated"
Mark Twain
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Fight SATAN with JESUS
From: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
I got this off a graphics group. There is a Dan Farmer who frequents
the group who is unrelated to the one who coauthored SATAN.
Jim
------- Forwarded Message
From: Dan Farmer <74431.1075@CompuServe.COM>
Newsgroups: comp.graphics.raytracing
Date: 4 Apr 1995 04:11:37 GMT
<grin> I'm loving this! It has occurred to me that I should
probably phone my parents to set their minds at ease, though.
They probably think its me, too.
Actually, I'm working hard on a program called JESUS. Just
Enough Security to Undo Satan.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 08:55:17 +0000
From: meta@harlequin.co.uk (mathew)
Subject: Girls of the Net
To: Eniac <eniac
CHICAGO - A spokeswoman for Playboy Enterprises Inc. announced that
plans for a "Girls of the Net" feature have been cancelled. "We were
very encouraged at first, after over 17,000 pictures were submitted,
but then it turned out that all but two hundred or so had been scanned
from previous issues of our own magazine."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good to Know.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
Found in comp.infosystems.www.misc
> i have just received SHOCKING NEWS from an ANONYMOUS SOURCE.
>
> l. ron hubbard, it is rumored, after a WILD COCAINE ORGY and
> MULTIPLE HUMAN SACRIFICES, met with MEN IN BLACK purported to
> have been hired by AMWAY to pursue their nefarious ends. after
> the CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY decided to pursue WORLD DOMINATION by
> hiding SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES in AMWAY PRODUCTS, they decided to
> BRANCH OUT with NUMEROUS other TENTACLES OF EVIL!
>
> yea, verily was it that they decided to form AOL.
>
> one will NOTE, if one is WISE, the NUMEROLOGICAL SIGNIFICANCE
> of the LETTERS. yea, verily they are 1 15 12!
>
> 1 + 15 + 12 = 28. when 2 and 8 are ADDED TOGETHER they
> prove to be TEN, the number of fingers on both hands.
>
> when MULTIPLIED they produce 180. 1 + 8 + 0 = 9
>
> NINE is three THREES! surely the evil is obvious, and
> A HEX has been THROWN ON THEIR INFERNAL DOMAINS!
>
> therefore, it has been PROVEN CONCLUSIVELY that America
> Online, Netcom, the Church of Scientology, Steven Boursy,
> Joel Furr, and yea, even the mighty GENE SPAFFORD himself
> are linked in an unholy union with the ALUMINUM BAVARIATI
> and the UFO cover-up MEN IN BLACK, together with the
> Rothschild bankers, the Rosicrucians and the Weathermen
> to TURN THE NATION INTO AN ORGY OF DRUGS and SATANIC VIOLENCE!
>
> please FREELY DISSEMINATE this VALUABLE information!
>
> saint henry the obdurrate
[This is bogus. American Online is not involved. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Happy Anniversary!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
If you're working on your income taxes, you might be interested to know
that tommorow - April 8th - is the 100th anniversary of the Supreme Court
striking down income tax as unconstitutional.
The justification by Justice Stephen J. Field read in part:
The present assualt upon capital is but the beginning. It will be
but the stepping-stone to others, larger and more sweeping till
our political contests will become a war of the poor against the
rich; a war constantly growing in intensity and bitterness.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 20:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: He has a point, you know...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
Fowarded-by: Surya Turaga <surya@hal.com>
Forwarded-by: bstrand@sunanton.Central.Sun.COM
In response to DEC's rechristening OSF/1 to Digital
Unix, Sun CEO and industry phrasemaker Scott McNealy
muttered, "As opposed to what? Analog Unix?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 07 Apr 1995 06:53:35 +0000
From: garyseaton@attmail.com (Gary Seaton)
Subject: Hillary's Health Care
To: spaf
Hillary Rodham Clinton's Health Care Reform Dictionary
------------------------------------------------------
Artery The Study of Paintings
Bacteria The Back Door of a Cafeteria
Barium What Doctors do when Patients Die
Bowel A Letter like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section A Neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan Searching for a Kitty
Cauterize Made Eye Contact With Her
Colic A Sheep Dog
D & C Where the President Lives
Dilate To Live Long
Enema Not a Friend
Fester Real Fast or Quicker
Genital Not a Jew
G.I. Series Military Ball Game
Hangnail Coat Hook
Impotent Distinguished/Well Known
Labor Pain Getting Hurt at Work
Medical Staff A Doctor's Cane
Morbid A Higher Offer
Nitrates Cheaper than Day Rates
Node Was Aware of
Outpatient A Patient who Fainted
Papsmear A Fatherhood Test
Pelvis A Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative A Letter Carrier
Recovery Room A Place to do Upholstery
Rectum Dang Near Killed 'Em
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A Small Table
Terminal Illness Getting Sick at the Airport
Tumor More than One
Urine Opposite of You're Out
Varicose Nearby-Not Far
Vein Conceited
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Apr 95 09:52:42 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Indian Pigs Not Members Of Jackson Fan Club
To: spaf
New Delhi, April 3 (Reuter) - Pop star Michael Jackson may
draw huge crowds around the world, but Indian wild pigs are
not among his fans.
A farmer in the Southern state of Karnataka, troubled over
the animals attacking his crops, found to his surprise that
playing Jackson's songs scared them away, Press Trust of India
(PTI) said on Monday.
Anath Patwardhan, who would beat drums to keep the pigs at
bay, accidently played a Jackson cassette on his small player
while guarding the crop and found it made the pigs run away.
He now plays Jackson's tapes regularly, PTI said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Apr 95 09:54:09 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Deafening Silence For Eavesdroppers
To: spaf
London (Reuter) - British government eavesdroppers are
seeking damages for developing hearing difficulties while
tracking foreign radio communications.
Staff at the state monitoring headquarters at Cheltenham
in Western England say they are suffering from deafness and
tinnitus -- ringing in the ears -- because their work involves
finding and deciphering radio signals against a buzzing
background of static.
Staff federation chairman Brian Moore told reporters 40
cases were outstanding. Some staff said they suffered from
what they called "acoustic trauma".
[This comes from listening to Indian farmers playing Michael Jackson to
their pigs. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 27 Mar 1995 12:32:19 -0500
From: jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel)
Subject: Job Frustration
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
crisper@armory.com (Crisper Than Thou) writes:
> come up with some problems with Exile and piss at Jeff about it awhile.
This post is not a blatant plug. I just want to point out that if the
standard response to a buggy program were to urinate on the coder, testing
would be done in a much more organized and efficent manner, and the world would
be a better place.
And I'm not even going to mention what walking around at Microsoft would
be like.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 09:06:49 -0400
From: NormanC523@aol.com
Subject: Joke of the Day
To: spaf
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and
AMD, in case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names) were in
a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions,
a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says,
"Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take
this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking
into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the
others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new
emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch
and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a
call anywhere." The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy
starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps
his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his
call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have
an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually
implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in
this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?" The others nod, and the meeting
continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry
emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and
says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <SHOPTALK@suvm.acs.syr.EDU>
El Cirque d'O.J.
Shapiro was unable to shake the testimony of O.J.'s wealthy neighbor about
the Bronco not being parked at specific times. He forgot that when you
wear a $15,000 Rolex, you tend to look at it a lot." (Bob Mills)
"We lost an hour to daylight savings time. That means Kato had to change
his internal clock from flashing 12:00 to, well, a flashing 12:00."
(Kevin S. Healey)
"The O.J. Simpson trial has turned to DNA evidence. The defense team
didn't need a phlebotomist to extract blood from their client. After
all, they are lawyers." (Allan Ray)
In the News: Comic Argus Hamilton on Bob Packwood becoming the GOP voice
for saner spending cuts and tax breaks. "Only in America can a man face
28 sexual harassment charges and still be considered the Senate's conscience."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Apr 1995 19:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <SHOPTALK@suvm.acs.syr.EDU>
Michael Jordan has returned, and here are last night's statistics...
McDonald's up three quarters, Nike up one eighth.
-- Conan O'Brien
Le Cirque d'O.J.
"Now we have a witness who will testify he saw O.J. stuff something into a
trash can at LAX. With the city's record of trash collection, has anyone
checked to see if it's still there?" (Bob Mills)
"Limo driver Allan Park's testimony failed to clear up one of the most
troubling questions surrounding the Simpson trial: Why didn't O.J. make
that deadbeat Kato drive him to the airport?" (Alex Kaseberg)
"Kato told Barbara Wallets that there's even been a threat on his life.
'Yeah, an anonymous caller threatened to help him get one." (Jenny Church)
o o o
In The News: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on wolves released in Yellowstone:
"Scientists accurately predicted behavior patterns. Three already set up
law practices."
Kaseberg, on daylight savings time: "Folks throughout the country set their
clocks ahead an hour, except in Mississippi, where last month slavery was
just made illegal. They set their clocks ahead 130 years."
Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett split: "I
guess Lyle wanted his freedom, and Julia finally bought glasses."
Adds Argus Hamilton: "Suddenly, every bachelor in L.A. started planning his
next move. We figure if she was attracted to him, hey, we all got a shot."
------------------------------
Date: 31 Mar 1995 10:28:02 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Pet Store On Wheels
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
I received a direct mail ad recently for a service called "Petential," a "pet
store on wheels." This mobile service offers a "variety of pet toys for your
pet; free pet health checks; quick wash & dry service; and free home delivery
of pet food & supplies (all brands)."
The mere existence of this service would probably be enough to warrent its
inclusion in Yucks, but the ad includes a coupon for "Free flea dip with
regular wash--$500 value." I guess you have to pay a little extra for the
convenience of them coming to you.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 14:45:58 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Positive I.D.
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to
the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped
shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing
birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the
field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and
the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off
of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 08:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Publish or Perish
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Jeff Knodel <knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu>
From: BACS Data Communications Group <commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost
simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen
published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Day 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going
is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.
-- Piraro, "Finding the cat's diary"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 17:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
It's nice to be in a position where people apologize because they
assume there's humor in your work, based on past experience, but
they're not sure where it is.
-- Rob Pike
[Interestingly enough, I can relate to this. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 09:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Question O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: auerbach@sleepy.bmd.trw.com
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked
myself: "Where the hell is my roof?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Non-food items eaten by members will be considered food items for
purposes of reimbursement calculation..."
- from a bulletin of the University of Toronto Outing Club (camping, etc)
Submitted by: Alan J Rosenthal <flaps@dgp.toronto.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Why are they called `skinheads' when they're really boneheads?
-- Harlan Ellison
Submitted by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from the 1977 Journal of the Chinese Academy of Sciences:
"In the article "Devote Every Effort to Running Successfully Socialist
Research Institutes" (Sci. Sin. Vol XIX, No. 5), "the arch unrepentant
capitalist-roader in the Party Teng Hsiao-ping" should read "Teng
Hsiao-ping."
[The proofreader has been banished to a collective farm for
reeducation. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 1995 09:50:43 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: serious refund
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
SEATTLE (AP) -- The Ex-Lax didn't work, so Barry Lyn Stoller demanded a
refund. He got one all right -- for $98,002. Now the company is
searching for Stoller. He disappeared days after receiving the check,
which was supposed to be for $1.99, but was misprinted because of a
mixup involving Stoller's ZIP code. Stoller, 38, deposited the money
on Sept. 20, 1993, withdrew it eight days later, authorities said. He
closed the account and moved out of his apartment without leaving a
forwarding address. Police and a private investigator hired by the
Switzerland-based Sandoz Corp. have been unable to find Stoller, who
lived in the suburb of Auburn and worked as a drywall installer.
Stoller was charged March 3 with first-degree theft. A warrant for his
arrest was issued on March 13.
[According to an eyewitness: "He was excited about something. He
looked tired -- pooped. Real flushed, too. In a real rush -- said
the urge to get up and go just overtook him." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 1995 15:57:35 -0500 (EST)
From: TDV <tdv@panix.com>
Subject: Sex in America? Not if we can help it...
To: spaf
Quote from this week's New York Press article on Hare Krishna punk rockers:
"We are all spirit souls stumbling along with different desires in
different ilusory fields," he says with a smile. "My wife and I are
young and we try not to have sex, but I come from some heavy
conditioning. Sometimes things happen."
No comment.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 95 16:30:42 PDT
From: Ric Forrester <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Space in pigs!
To: spaf
News of the Unusual/Strange/Humorous.
Flying pigs ground plane
LONDON, April 6 (Reuter) - An airliner heading to South Africa
was forced to turn back and make an emergency landing in Britain
after 72 flatulent pigs triggered its fire alarms.
More than 300 people were also on board the South African
Airways plane when the pigs' urine, gas and body heat sparked
the mid-air crisis.
``The collective heat and methane that 72 pigs give off caused
our alarms in the hold to activate,'' an airline spokesman said
on Thursday.
Fifteen prize stud pigs being flown out for breeding died of
asphyxiation when halon gas was released in the cargo as part of
the plane's automatic fire extinquishing system.
The surviving pigs were taken to a local farm.
The airline spokesman said the pigs were flown on Tuesday's
passenger flight because it was a direct route. ``It is less
traumatic than going on a freighter flight, which would have
stopped in several cities en route.''
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Step out of the car, ma'am ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: <omitted@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Jon Zawislak <jzawisla@comp.uark.edu>
On Fri, 10 Feb 1995, danceswithcarp wrote:
> The good news is Hoosier Dan Quayle is not going to be the next president
> of the United States.
>
> The bad news is that right now he's the odds-on favorite to be our next
> Governor here in Indiana.
>
> Now can you see the sacrifices people like pbm5960, joe avg., joe nickell
> and myself are making for the rest of you folx?
>
> dwc
You'll get no sympathy from us here. We kept the Klinton Klan long enough.
My impression of an Arkansas State Trooper:
"Step out of the car, ma'am, and put your hands on the governor."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 1994 14:59:34 BST
From: Nigel Beighton <nigelb@hoskyns.co.uk>
Subject: Stuck with the crime
To: Multiple recipients of list TREPAN-L <TREPAN-L@BROWNVM.brown.edu>
"I've made some weird arrests in my time, but this even beats the
woman shoplifting with a rabid donkey for protection last month,"
Sergeant Paulo Quadros of the Belo Ilorizonte police force told
reporters.
"This time, it took twelve of us, including eight firemen, and we had
to take a dozen floor boards into custody as well".
Sergeant Quadros was answering questions about the arrest of Sergio De
Sa, on charges of aggravated theft. "De Sa is a glue sniffer, who
steals from shops to feed his habit. On Saturday night he broke into
the Gola Gola glue factory, but he lost control when saw the really
good stuff and started inhaling directly from the vats. Of cause, he
was overcome by fumes after one sniff and lost his balance, upsetting
a vat of glue as he fell. By the time he came round, he was stuck to
the floor and had to lie there helplessly until the workers turned up
on Monday morning. They couldn't shift him and in the end, we had to
get a powersaw and cut round him. the factory owner lost a days
production and he lost the skin off his back."
"While we were charging him, he said it was worth it as Gola Gola
Quickstix was the premier cru of glue. What is with these people? Are
they nuts? Last month we arrested another guy with tubes stuck right
up both nostrils. He died in custody. Someone called him Walrus face
and he laughed so much he hemorrhaged."
- - O Globo (Private Eye, Feb 94)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 14:27:03 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: The Information Supercowpath
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Richard Gillmann <richgi@microsoft.com>
[forwards herded]
Forwarded-by: John Allred <jallred@spdg.COM>
Forwarded-by: Raja Sundaram <rsundara@cisco.com>
This was taken from "Telemanagement, The Angus Report on Communications
Systems, Services, and Strategies": According to "America's Network"
magazine, a Texas rancher has equipped some of his cows with beepers.
They've been trained to associate the beep with feeding, so when he wants
them to come to the barn, the rancher just dials the pager number. The
beeper-equipped cows start heading home, and the others -- cows being cows
-- just follow the leaders. That's right. You can even drive cattle on
the information highway! -- Karen Kervin, Basking Ridge, N.J.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 95 16:52:20 PDT
From: Ric Forrester <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Top Ten Ways to tell if Satan is around
To: spaf
> Source unknown
>
>Top 10 Ways You Can Tell SATAN Has Invaded Your Network
>
>10. All keys except the '6' suddenly disabled
>9. Your monitor starts spinning around in circles
>8. File server starts emitting pea soup
>7. Your router begins sending outgoing packets to hell.org
>6. 10Base-T wire flies up and wraps around roving sysadmin
>5. Your bastion host starts smoking
>4. Anonymous FTP rips off its mask to reveal horns and a goatee
>3. X terminals become XXX terminals
>2. Standard UNIX prompt replaced by inverted cross
>
>and the number one way you can tell SATAN is inside your network:
>
>1. Your firewall turns into a ring of flame
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 15:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Urban legend of the day (how'd they count the rounds...)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com
This one is a true story from someone I know who serves in the National Guard
and was called down to LA during the riots.
Best story I heard ... The Marines were backing-up L.A.P.D. on a call that
someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to
"cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point
your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down
a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The
Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably
a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting
at me!".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 09:30:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: Pete Apple <petebob@sequent.com>
Subject: Warped Drive
To: bob
>From the B Terminal at Chicago's Airport (1 hour layover yesterday)
The Ad is for OS/2 WARP
"Have you Warped your computer yet?"
"IT OBLITERATES MY OTHER SOFTWARE"
Frankly, I'm uncertain why they would be advertising disk corruption
problems of such a serious nature. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: With no one left to drive...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David Boyce <dave@abyss.demon.co.uk>
"The court acknowledges that the five accused suffered the unluckiest
possible start to their new year," magistrate Andrew Johnson told his
Canberra court while passing sentence. "Under the circumstances, you
are all dismissed with a caution."
Robin Croft, representing all five defendants, earlier summarised what
took place on New Year's Eve. "My clients were celebrating during the
afternoon in Sydney, but were expected at a party in Canberra that
night. They set off on the 350-mile journey by car, but, a few miles
outside Sydney, driver number one was stopped for speeding and
dangerous driving, failed a breath test, and was booked. Driver number
two then took over, and was stopped half an hour later for driving
through a stop sign. He too was over the limit and was booked."
"The third driver took the wheel for two hours but, when he was stopped
for failing to indicate a left turn, he also failed the breath test. He
was replaced by driver number four, a learner, who had an uneventful
drive until the car burst a tyre, four hours after leaving Sydney.
While they were changing the wheel, a patrol car stopped and booked
driver number four for parking without lights. They made him take a
breath test too, and he failed it. The fifth man in the car thought he
was safe, but he was wrong. The police decided that, because he was in
the passenger seat, he was supervising the L-driver, so they
breathalysed him and he failed too. With no one left to drive, they had
to abandon the car by the roadside, and travel the last few miles by
taxi. And when they went next day to retrieve it, the windscreen was
smashed, all four tyres and the radio had been stolen, and someone had
urinated over the seats."
Sydney Morning Herald, 6/1/95
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 8 Apr 1995 15:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Words to live by.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: shibumi@cisco.com (Kenton A. Hoover)
The Moral of "Pulp Fiction":
When you find a bag of white powder in someone else's jacket,
do not snort it.
The Other Moral of "Pulp Fiction":
Always take your submachine gun with you to the bathroom.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------