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Yucks Digest V5 #8 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 15 Mar 95 Volume 5 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake."
... including 130 heads of state and government.
... when do they sacrifice the virgins?
Advertisement found on a wall map.
As long as we have the H-bomb everything will be OK.
Bad News.
Birth Control and Marcia Brady
but only on the proviso that _Due South_ isn't cancelled ...
cables ...
Compaqs Easiest to Use (on TV)
Entirely too much time on their hands
Florida Law profess announces PAC to "Battle Microsoft"
Hamelet II: The Survivors
I'm not so sure about column 1...
I *know* you've been waiting for this one!
If Netters look down upon AOLers, ...
If you are a prisoner or a Canadian...
It was a bad day, that day...
klaatu barada nikto
Library of Congress Subject Headings
loebner prize -- possible entry
More Newt
Oh, I don't know, I seem to recall a bad joke from awhile back...
Phone lines aren't transitive.
risks.......
SOTD
Speaking of newt...
The demise of ATT?
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I'M RELEASING GNU FORTRAN NOW
Turn-offs: Slow waiters. Favorite Internet Site: hollywood.com
update address
Well, that should be doable, unless there are cows in jail.
We must ... defend the honor of a noted researcher, Cindy Crawford.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 14:24:43 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Ricky <connell@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: davek@scooter.jf.intel.com
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the
severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital.
Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat
had gone seriously wrong, "My son left the cage door open so his rat,
Vermin, escaped into the garage," He explained. "As usual, it looked
for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle.
I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string,
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a
flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely
burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers
which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust
pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball."
Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.
[Wouldn't you love to be the insurance agent taking this claim? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 09:40:13 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... including 130 heads of state and government.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Today's quote comes from the March 6 edition of _The Globe and Mail_:
Copenhagen's striptease and escort bureaus, reports Danish national
television, are extending opening hours and hiring more girls from March
6 to 12 to cope with expected demand during the United Nations World
Summit for Social Development. The meeting, to discuss the eradication of
poverty and creation of jobs and social stability, is expected to draw up
to 20,000 people, including 130 heads of state and government.
[Well, they'll simply be doing their part to help reduce poverty in
some parts of Copenhagen. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 18:13:16 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... when do they sacrifice the virgins?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: funny@clarinet.com.
From: sroytman@nyx.cs.du.edu (Sergej Roytman)
Subject: A Return to Paganism?
On the way home from work I saw the following sign in front of a church:
FOO [DENOMINATIONAL] CHURCH
SERVICES: 6--7
SUN WORSHIP: 11--1
Seems that some sects are getting pretty liberal about the format of
their worship! Of course the real question is, when do they sacrifice
the virgins?
[Wrong sect. These folks have a religion based on SPARC workstations.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 01 Mar 1995 09:55:49 -0800
From: tanner_rich <rtanner@everest.tandem.com>
Subject: Advertisement found on a wall map.
To: cate3@netcom.com, gdr@hooked.net, spaf
Seen on a world map, written on a post-it
and placed on the "Soviet Union".
"Recently Re-opened UNDER NEW MANAGMENT"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 09:24:24 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: As long as we have the H-bomb everything will be OK.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
From the 2/20-27/95 New Yorker section entitled "Better Late Than
Never," which includes letters-to-the-editor received between 1925
and 1993. Prior to 1993, the New Yorker did not publish letters
per se.
(In June of 1962, the magazine published a three-part
article by Rachel Carson, "Silent Spring," on the dan-
gers of pesticides, especially DDT.)
June 29, 1962
Miss Rachel Carson's reference to the selfishness of
insecticide manufacturers probably reflects her Commu-
nist sympathies, like a lot of writers these days.
We can live without birds and animals, but, as the cur-
rent market slump shows, we cannot live without business.
As for insects, isn't it just like a woman to be scared
to death of a few little bugs! As long as we have the
H-bomb everything will be OK.
H Davidson
San Francisco CA
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 16:52:37 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bad News.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: hgrant@io.org (Hamish D. Grant)
I was NetScaping the cool new www-link NASA has to the Shuttle Endeavor
that is supposedly orbiting our homeworld at this very moment, this
afternoon...
The reason I used the phrasing 'supposedly orbiting' is because when I
clicked on the "Come Aboard!" button (purportedly to use NASA's
contribution to the Devices Connected to the Internet list, cameras and
mics in this case, a live feed from space!) after the >100k NASA homepage
had finished loading, NetScape gave me this message:
"Unable to locate Host"
Oh, shit.
Not again.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 11:48:01 EST
From: mtn@aisinc.com (Michael T. Nieters)
Subject: Birth Control and Marcia Brady
To: spaf
spaf,
Here's a little interesting excerpt from a story I saved out of the
Michigan Daily (U of M's school paper, inferior to the Exponent but I digress)
from last semester. I saved it just for yucklings the world over.
--
The Michigan Daily Friday, December 9, 1994 U of M, Ann Arbor, MI
'Marcia' speaks on birth control.
The article goes into a description of how 300 U of M students "streamed" into
the Michigan Union Ballroom to listen to "pay homage to pop culture icon
Maureen McCormick, also known as Marcia from the '70s TV show "The
Brady Bunch."
McCormick participated in a seminar called "Birth Control Matters"...
--
Now, questions first come to mind as to why is Marcia an expert on this
subject? Where's the connection here? and basically, Huh?
The kicker is a little further in the article...
--
...A student attending the presentation, gave McCormick a rose
and a book on sex education. 'It was a dream come true to have... Marcia
Brady on stage and speaking out about sex education'...
--
A dream come true? Maybe this student is a transfer from IU? Surely not
from Purdue, never. Whatever the case is, they need to have a little more
substantial dreams. There were probably a few more people in the crowd who
had had dreams about Marcia Brady and birth control, but they probably didn't
include her speaking about subject. :-)
You just gotta love those high caliber dreams at U of M.
[We all have our little fantasies, Mike. Some are just a little less
mainstream than the rest. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 20:32:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: but only on the proviso that _Due South_ isn't cancelled ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)
In response to a toronto net.loon ranting out his tax dollars paying
for the internet and how he should have a right to access:
From: RonHL@ix.netcom.com (Ronald Hopkins-Lutz)
Newsgroups: alt.online-service.prodigy,news.admin.policy,news.admin.misc,alt.censorship,alt.culture.internet,tor.general,alt.activism
Subject: Re: Controlling posts to Usenet
Date: 28 Feb 1995 23:01:45 GMT
Message-ID: <3j0a0p$6pi@ixnews2.ix.netcom.com>
In <3it91n$7gh@Mercury.mcs.com> jorn@MCS.COM (Jorn Barger) writes:
>Michael Kaufman <kaufman@MCS.COM> wrote:
>>As you are Canadian, I resent your implication that you somehow own my
>>(and my fellow American's) network. We took a vote, and we decided that
>>you can continue to use it if you work on your use of possesive pronouns.
>
>You and *what* American???
I distinctly remember the vote. We were all down at the AutoGlass Bar.
We'd sent out the information, but for some reason most of you didn't
show up. (Maybe I put on 29 cent stamps, oh well.) There were eleven of
us plus a proxy from a guy who turned out to be an Albanian citizen,
here on loan to a local farm to teach the kids how to drive the tractor.
The vote was 8 to 3 to let the Canadians continue to use the net, but
only on the proviso that _Due South_ isn't cancelled until the season is
over. The Albanian decided to abstain becasue we phoned him and
explained that we couldn't understand anything he'd written, since it
didn't have any vowels in it.
I think that makes it clear *what* American. Now as to your 1994 Income
Tax Deduction for "Internet access"?
Roldo DeTachsman, IRS Collections
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 23:49:49 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@oak.zilker.net (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: cables ...
To: jschober@io.com (Jonathan Schober), toohey@strider.sps.motorola.com (Leonard Toohey)
----- Begin Included Message -----
>
> : What's the concensus on the AT&T connectors as opposed to coax? I've
> : heard all the Toslink-bashing, but it seems that AT&T would be fairly
> : serious about good fiber connections.
>
> Quite obviously, coax is the *IDEAL* medium for digital transmission
> because it provides essentially *perfect* rejection of any spurious
> non-digital signals.
>
> When the size of the coax cable is properly matched to the font of
> the digital source, 1's flow (lengthwise) down the center conductor
> while 0's pass (broadside) down the shield -- and NO other numbers
> can get through.
>
> Unfortunately, many low-cost A/D converters and CD transports save
> money by using cheap, public-domain fonts in which the 0's are oval
> rather than perfectly round. The resulting null-distortion causes
> unnatural (and easily recognizable) compression of the sound stage.
> This effect can be partially corrected by using specially designed
> coax with a slightly oval cross-section.
>
> WRT the transmission of 1's, there are two competing bodies of
> opinion. Most purists tend to favor the minimalist approach of
> using a sans serif font with a solid center conductor; however,
> some recent studies suggest that there may be real benefits to
> a twisted center conductor in combination with a slight serif
> at the base of the 1's. Apparently, the serif allows the 1's
> to engage the spiral conductor and impart a stabilizing spin --
> in much the same way that the ogive at the base of an artillery
> shell engages the rifling in the gun barrel.
----- End Included Message -----
[The greatest thing on the net is the up-to-date, highly accurate
technical knowledge that others are willing to share. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 12:42:55 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Compaqs Easiest to Use (on TV)
To: cate3@netcom.com (Henry III), spaf (Gene Spafford)
Compaq CEO Eckard Pfeiffer last week visited The Netherlands
to do some pr work. During a television interview for NOVA,
a well known newsshow that aired last friday, Pfeiffer
claimed that pc's were easy to use, and could be used by
virtually anyone. So, the reporter asked him to switch the
tv channel on a Presario that was next to Pfeiffer that ran
a Windows-based TV tuner. The result was Pfeifer frantically
clicking on several menu bars, but instead of switching
channels, he exited the programm altogether. To make things
worse, the reporter next asked him to start up a word
processor. Again, Pfeiffer, clicked his way around the
desktop, but coulnd't find nor start the program. Finally,
he was asked to start up a game. You saw Pfeifer (now in
deep trouble) clicking on all the tabs of the "easy to use"
tab-works interface that is included on all Presario's,
looking for games, while muttering "Were are ze games? I
can't find ze games on zis machine!!!", his accent becoming
increasingly more German then before. It was almost like Dr.
Strangelove. The last shot is of a Compaq tech support guy,
rushing in to help him out.... So much for ease of use....
[Much to his surprise, they had acually switched his software
with Folger's crystals... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 16:01:56 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Entirely too much time on their hands
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Reference: Phone Numbers: WWW Phone Dialing
Internet Speed Dialer - transform the phone number you enter into the
appropriate touch tone sounds on your computer's speaker
WWW Dial Service - Select your desired arbitary number, or choose one from the
prepared list, using the form below and hold your telephone handset near your
terminal's speaker . . .
WWW Phone Dialing Services - allows you to dial a phone from your computer.
Simply hold your phone handset near to your computer's speaker, then our WWW
server will dial the phone for you.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 16:29:07 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Florida Law profess announces PAC to "Battle Microsoft"
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: HiTek Report 3/06
#1801
FLORIDA LAW PROFESSOR WILL ANNOUNCE FEDERAL POLITICAL
ACTION COMMITTEE TO BATTLE MICROSOFT CORPORATION
A Florida public interest lawyer and adjunct professor of law will hold
a news conference Wednesday in Washington, D.C. to announce he has
established a federal political action committee, The Committee to Fight
Microsoft Corporation, to battle Microsoft Corp. in Congress. Anthony
R. "Andy" Martin will also announce that he has petitioned the U.S.
Court of Appeals to intervene in the pending appeals by Microsoft and
the Department of Justice from the Decision of U.S.D.J. Stanley Sporkin.
info: tel. 407-833-6917
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 12:58:50 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hamelet II: The Survivors
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young)
Sequels:
1. NOW GO STAND BY SOMEONE ELSE
2. LES MISERABLES - HAPPY AT LAST
3. MADAME XI
7. THE HOUSE OF SEVEN GABLES GETS ALUMINUM SIDING
9. THE DUPLICATE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI
10. I FORGOT WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
11. HAMLET II: THE SURVIVORS
13. HARVEY TAKES A WIFE
14. ROMEO AND JULIET II: THE ANTIDOTE
17. THIS SON OF A GUN FOR HIRE
20. RICHARD III: BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
21. THE SECOND WINDS OF WAR
22. ANYTHING WENT
25. THE IRS RECOUNT OF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO
28. A PARTING SHOT IN THE DARK
32. RETURN OF THE LETTER
33. NEVER CRY FOX, EITHER
37. THE RECALL OF THE WILD
39. KITTENS
42. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, AGAIN
43. AFTERBIRTH OF A NATION
47. REPAINT YOUR WAGON
48. JONATHAN LIVINGSTONE SEQUEL
50. GRANDCHILDREN OF THE DAMNED
59. THE SECRET OF THE SUCCESS OF "THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 20:41:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'm not so sure about column 1...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Small <chris@das.harvard.edu>
Table 1. Exciting vs. useful but unexciting software products
Exciting Products
Yes No
------- -------
Unix Cobol
APL PL/I
Pascal Algol
Modula MVS/370
Smalltalk MS-DOS
Fortran
From Fred Brooks' paper "No Silver Bullet -- Essence and Accidents
of Software Engineering", IEEE Computer, April 1987.
[Note that there didn't appear to be a claim that the exciting
products were actually useful. Ada is not in either list, of course.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 23:11:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I *know* you've been waiting for this one!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Alert alt.pictures.tasteless!
From the latest *What's New With NCSA Mosaic* page:
Gastrointestinal and Liver Pathology
Univ. of Michigan, Dept. of Pathology, Ann Arbor, MI, US
This page is devoted to gastrointestinal and liver pathology. Each month
a different set of GIFs pertaining to various diseases of the GI tract
and liver are made available. The majority of images are high-quality
photomicrographs. In the future we hope to provide unknown cases and
perhaps even CME credit. http://www.pds.med.umich.edu/users/greenson/
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 22:58:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If Netters look down upon AOLers, ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Michael Short <mshort@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
If Netters look down upon AOLers, ...
...then who do AOLers look down upon? Not surprisingly:
"Alexander logs on, is told off"
Steven Thomma
San Jose Mercury News, 95mar01, page F1
MARYVILLE, Tenn. -- It took only minutes in cyberspace for Republican
presidential candidate Lamar Alexander to know that this is a brave new
world. Or a world only for the brave.
In just 30 minutes logged onto America Online the night before he declared
his candidacy, Alexander was asked whether he was too dull to be elected
and for his views on abortion and the death penalty.
The former Tennessee governor also was subjected to suggestions from the
approximately 500 people who logged on Monday night that he can't spell,
that he is "a bag of hot air" and that he is running for president so he
can ride in Air Force One and attract women.
[...]
But aides said Alexander did not see the satirical comments on the screen
of the laptop computer he was using. That could help explain his verdict:
"This was the finest press conference I ever had."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 10:46:01 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you are a prisoner or a Canadian...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.research.att.com
Forwarded-by: cwf Fri Mar 3 10:19
Loompanics Unlimited publishes books for what it calls "the
lunatic fringe of the libertarian movement." Their catalog
includes the text below. I thought that the subject
juxtaposition might amuse you:
"Loompanics Unlimited cannot be responsible for any shipment of
books seized by any government body. This applies in particular
to Canada, where many books are banned, and to prisoners, whose
keepers often confiscate books. If you are a prisoner or a
Canadian, you are advised to check with your authorities before
ordering books."
[If you are a Canadian prisoner, just go ahead and order... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 08:38:16 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It was a bad day, that day...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Charles M. Hannum" <mycroft@ai.mit.edu>
Oh, give me a 'chine,
where the CPU's lean,
and the bus is not f***ed in some way.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 14:49:37 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: klaatu barada nikto
To: spaf
[Mysterious e-mail of the day. --Pat]
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 17:47:09 +0300 (MEST)
From: "m.kemal leblebicioglu" <kleb@rorqual.cc.metu.edu.tr>
Subject: Re: parallel implementation in C/C++
talk ertas
naber
[ What is the frequency, Kenneth? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 95 18:20:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Library of Congress Subject Headings
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: danpeck@panix.com (Dan Peck)
Forwarded-by: LiveTrads@aol.com
Here are the 1994 Winners of the Stupidist Subject Headings from our Nation's
Library:
Adult Children
Beehives see Bee-Housing
Combustion, Spontaneous human
Diving for Men
Drug Abuse-Programmed instruction
Erros and blunders-Literary
Feet in the Bible
Hand surgery-Juvenile literature
Impurity centers
Lord's supper-Admission age
Lord's supper-Reservation
Low German wit and humor
Monotone operators
Running races in rabbinical literature
Sewage-collected works
Standing on one foot see One-leg resting position
Stupidity see Inefficiency,Intellectual
Thumbing the Nose see Shanghai Gesture
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 09:48:50 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: loebner prize -- possible entry
To: spaf
|From: srt@sun-dimas.aero.org (Scott Turner)
|Newsgroups: comp.ai,comp.ai.philosophy
|Subject: Re: Loebner Prize 1995 Announcement & Rules
|Date: 3 Mar 1995 18:59:13 GMT
|Organization: The Aerospace Corporation, El Segundo, CA
|Message-ID: <3j7ou1$efq@news.aero.org>
loebner@ACM.ORG (HUGH LOEBNER) writes:
>However, to celebrate the first unrestricted Turing Test, this rule
>will be waived for the 1995 contest only. Should the median rank of
>a computer equal or exceed the overall median rank of the
>confederates -- in other words, should that computer prove to be
>indistinguishable from the typical human in the event -- the Grand
>Prize of $100,000 and a gold medal will be awarded, and the contest
>will be discontinued.
I'm tempted to enter a program that prints this out:
You are conversing with a computer program, not a human being.
If you rank this computer program as the most human-like, and
this program wins the Grand Prize of $100,000, the writer of
this program will split that prize evenly with you and the
other judges who vote likewise.
Thank you for participating in the Loebner Prize competition.
I figure to make at least $10k off this, which is probably worth the
effort to write the necessary shell script.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 95 13:11:37 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: More Newt
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Paul Elliott <paulel@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Janet Anderson (S&T OnSite)
<forwards still immersed>
From: TIME magazine, letters to the editor [date?]
"When congressman Newt Gingrich was a graduate student at Tulane
University, I baptized him by immersion into the membership of the St.
Charles Avenue Baptist Church. Perhaps I didn't hold him under long
enough."
(The Rev.) G. Avery Lee
New Orleans
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 10:47:19 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Oh, I don't know, I seem to recall a bad joke from awhile back...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kevindu@atm.com (Kevin J. Dunlap)
Forwarded-by: Eric Anderson <eta@halcyon.com>
For those who following the less-than-mainstream sports, did you catch
the footage of the latest from the America's Cup races? It seems the main
contender from this part of the world, oneAustralia, ran into a bit o'
nasty weather 7 miles off San Diego. The yacht spilt open in the middle
and sank in less than 90 seconds (sorry, no floating sailor-based fishbait
resulted). But that's not the tasteless bit...
The following day (yesterday), a full page add appeared in the New Zealand
newspapers (they are the arch rivals of Australia; kinda like New York
and New Jersey, the British and the French, California and the rest of
the world, etc.). The add said:
"Bad luck Australia.
Try sinking one of these instead"
Then a picture of a bottle of Steinlager, the main exported beer from NZ.
The tag line at the end said:
"Steinlager. The only thing that goes down faster than an Australian yacht."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 10:43:22 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Phone lines aren't transitive.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: funny@clarinet.com.
Forwarded-by: hitz@netapp.com (Dave Hitz)
From: sgoldman@encore.com (Steve Goldman)
I'm building a new house in Pittsboro NC (served by GTE) and I wanted
to get a leased line to run to my office in Cary (served by Southern
Bell). I called Southern Bell and had this conversation.
me: I'd like to find out the cost of getting a leased line that runs from
my home in Pittsboro to my office in Cary.
sb: I'm sorry sir but you will have to speak with GTE about this.
me: Why is that?
sb: Pittsboro is served by GTE and since the service originates in Pittsboro
you must talk to them.
me: Ok. I want the line to run from Cary to Pittsboro.
sb: Ok then I can help you ...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 15:30:05 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: risks.......
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 95 09:00:54 -0800
From: Louis Todd Heberlein <heberlei@cs.ucdavis.edu>
Subject: sexy photos just computer glitch
>From an Associated Press story entitled
"Sexy photo just a computer glitch, lab worker says"
A Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory employee was found innocent of
misusing lab computers to store sexy photos. Accused of accessing 33 photos
of bikini-clad women from an Internet site called "supermodels", the
employee said he thought the photos were related to engineering.
The employee has been promoted since the initial charges.
[Sure, if the guy is really that naive, you want to promote him
into a government management position as quickly as possible. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 15:55:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: SOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: Samuel John Kass <sk4i+@andrew.cmu.edu>
[... deleted ...]
(signature thanks to docjoe@interramp.com, paraphrased with permission)
Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any
form, in whole or in part. Copyright, Samuel Kass, 1995
License to distribute this post is available to Microsoft for $1000.
Posting without permission constitutes an agreement to these terms.
[I can't wait for this idea to spread... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 12:17:14 -0800 (PST)
From: jtchew@netcom.com (Joe Chew)
Subject: Speaking of newt...
To: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
[The following was in response to the Ginrich-Elders Plan
posting in issue V5(5) of Yucks. --spaf]
The plan is profoundly flawed, in that it assumes that daily
masturbation will prevent teenagers from thinking about sex.
There is little or no evidence to suggest even that daily sex
prevents teenagers from spending the rest of the time thinking
about sex, except during brief intervals when food, alcohol, or
a fast car is available. An obscure small-sample data set from
the National Institute of Temporary Hormone-Induced Retardation
indicates that death may prevent teenagers from thinking about
sex, provided it happens to them or (in some cases) their
partners. There is reason to believe that a coma will suffice,
but that part of the study was inconclusive.
However, factoring in the effects of age on sex drive, there
*is* reason to hope that daily masturbation may prevent 40-
to 60-year-olds from thinking about introducing ill-considered
legislation. Because of the intense work habits of those who
seek national office, it would be advisable to also provide
food, alcohol, and fast cars as a redundant safety measure in
some instances. Perhaps the scheme you propose need only be
redirected rather than abandoned.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 16:27:45 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: The demise of ATT?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Dave@Yost.com
> I-PHONE BEATS BABY BELLS
> (c) Farhan Memon
> ...
> a secret mathematical formula allows the software to overcome one
> of Internet's inherent weaknesses -- sometimes data packets do
> not arrive at their destination in the same order they were sent
> making the message unintelligible.
Wow! Fantastic! We could upgrade TCP so it could do this, but
then, we'd all have to pay royalties. Oh well...
> ... because the Internet is designed to route messages around
> trouble spots there's never a chance of the circuits being busy.
I made a VocalTec call to an Internet guru to ask him about this.
He said, "That's all f d good, but so e routers get
oaded, an ghpu ell. If you ver use tracer te,
you kn oftent conne on goes ough zen or so
hops, ny one ich screw ole ing!"
We switched over to a CU-SeeMe connection, and he continued:
" vid cket fucked!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 15:27:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOP 10 REASONS WHY I'M RELEASING GNU FORTRAN NOW
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sam Cramer <cramer@3do.com>
From: burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)
Subject: GNU Fortran Public Beta Testing Begins
...
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I'M RELEASING GNU FORTRAN NOW
------------------------------------------------
10) The world needs a free compiler for tomorrow's state-of-the-art
language today!
9) Prosecutors in the O.J. Simpson case plan to show simulations of
the Ford Bronco chase scene, and need a real ssslloooowww compiler
for that project.
8) Keep getting mysterious email on my workstation saying "If you ship it,
he will code".
7) It's part of Gnewt Gingrich's Republican Contract With America
(ANSI X3.78-1981; no equivalent ISO available).
6) Angling for a recurring guest role as the resident Fortran programmer
on "Star Trek: Voyager", where I help the crew deal with REAL and
COMPLEX problems it encounters.
5) g77 desperately needed to program HAL 9000 in time.
4) Nuclear physicists need something to make up for the loss
of the supercollider.
3) This newfangled "Information Superhighway" thing is gonna need some
"Informational Hell's Angels", if you know what I mean.
2) Read somewhere that if I turn in my GNU, I get a $100 certificate
from Toys 'R' Us.
And the NUMBER ONE REASON WHY I'M RELEASING GNU FORTRAN NOW...
1) Keep hearing voices whispering "GNU COBOL...GNU COBOL...".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 14:18:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Turn-offs: Slow waiters. Favorite Internet Site: hollywood.com
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
PLAYBOY IS TRAVELLING THE INFO HIGHWAY LOOKING FOR WOMEN FOR
A SPECIAL "GIRLS OF THE INTERNET" PICTORIAL
----
Women interested in being considered for this feature should e-mail (as
an "attachment") a recent full-length body photo in a two-piece bathing
suit or less and a clear face shot to: photo@playboy.com (Attn: Net Girls)
No scanner? Snail mail the photos to:
Playboy Magazine (Attn: Net Girls)
680 N. Lake Shore Drive
Chicago, IL. 60611
Please include the following information:
NAME
E-MAIL ADDRESS
SNAIL-MAIL ADDRESS
PHONE
HEIGHT
WEIGHT
MEASUREMENTS
AGE
FAVORITE INTERNET SITES
ABOUT YOU
All participants must be at least 18 years of age. So please provide us with
two I. D.'s (one photo I.D.) that show your date of birth.
Photography by Richard Fegley
[While you're at it, send copies to spaf@purdue.edu for the upcoming
"Girls of Yucks" feature. All entries treated with the care they
deserve. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 11:05:40 -0500 (EST)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.uml.edu>
Subject: update address
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
My doctor told me the other day about the aging physician whose
analytinal skills were up to snuff, but was finding difficulty in
articulating his findings to his patients.
He ultimately came up with three stock phrases that covered all cases...
1. "That's something you're just going to have to learn to live with"
2. "That's something you're just going to have to learn to live without"
3. "Remember what you had before? Well, you have it again."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 09:01:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, that should be doable, unless there are cows in jail.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@Tadpole.COM>
From: The Daily Telegraph, 03/02/95 (London, UK)
A man who had sex with a cow because he was afraid
of contracting Aids from a human partner has been
jailed for nine months by a court in Zimbabwe.
Israel Zinhanga, 28, also told the court in Rusape
that he was in love with the cow and pledged to be
faithful to the animal during his sentence. - AFP
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 1995 16:54:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: We must ... defend the honor of a noted researcher, Cindy Crawford.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: The Annals of Improbable Research <marca@MIT.EDU>
Excerpted-from: mini-AIR March 95
...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1995-03-03 In Defense of Cindy Crawford
We must rise to defend the honor of a noted researcher, Cindy Crawford.
In mini-AIR 1995-02 we announced the premiere of the new AIR column "Cindy
Crawford Discovers," which reports on the scientific efforts and
achievements of supermodel Cindy Crawford (and her ilk) as documented in
research journals such as "Vogue," "Cosmopolitan," "Elle," etc.
The following day we received an inquiry from the magazine "Entertainment
Weekly," seeking an advance copy of the first column. We duly faxed a copy
of the colunm, which concerns Cindy Crawford's recent achievements in
chemistry.
A day later, Entertainment Weekly's editors informed us that they consider
Cindy Crawford's scientific achievements "too insubstantial" to report.
We must take exception. In our view, Crawford's lack of a Ph.D. in no way
disqualifies her from conducting research with shampoos. To see this, one
need look no further than her report concerning "a patented outrageous
formula... enriched with pro-vitamin B5, silk protein and moisture-binding
silicone." (The full text of Crawford's paper appears on page 11 of the
January, 1995 issue of the research journal "Vogue.")
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------