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Yucks Digest V5 #7 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 6 Mar 95 Volume 5 : Issue 7
Today's Topics:
.SOTD
`alphabetizing'
another anagram for yucks
Ask for it by name.
CS: funny tech report
Does TV Kill?
Found in alt.aol-sucks
Grannie comes out of the closet.
Jeff Angus and Hitler quotes in rec.radio.amat
JOTD (3 msgs)
Kind of like getting your Kix on Route 66.
microsoft press release
More Joking Flight Crews
more unusual airline safety lectures
My book's out!
my e-dog has e-fleas
Nutty Science
oh, god, he's written another one
One intriguing and two so-so facts.
On Poultry Inspectors, Little-Known Importance of
Please don't knock anyone up.
PROCRASTINATOR'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE - AGAIN
QOTD (3 msgs)
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
read me!
See if they give a shit...
slam-dancing baby-boomers? (re: Yucks Digest V5 #5)
Somewhat safer than smoking.
Take your pick
The end of AI as we know it.
The id of most American V8s is an integral part of the casting...
The Internet by any other name...
the subject should be "no shit"
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
What is computing all about
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95 21:57:29 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: .SOTD
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: tompar@world.std.com (Tom Parmenter)
Forwarded-by: jo@odi.com
Subject: .sig du jour
Steve English "Write documentation as if whoever reads it is
a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 09:07:10 -0800
From: Fred Gilham <gilham@csl.sri.com>
Subject: `alphabetizing'
To: spaf
From an old Yucks digest:
is there any other way to possible organize a thesaurus???
[Sure. For instance, alphabetize the letters in the word, then list
those in sorted order. You would find the word alphabetical listed
under aaabcehillpt. Soundex coding might be a way, too. Or by
frequency of use in written or spoken English based on some sample (so
"flame" would be found before "etiquette", rather as on the Usenet).
Anybody got something sillier than these? --spaf]
===========
I thought you, or someone, would be interested in knowing how the
Chinese do it. They use the number of strokes in the character. So
the characters with fewer strokes come earlier in `alphabetical'
order.
Problem is that some characters have the same number of strokes, so
you have to hunt through the characters. There may be some secondary
ordering method but I don't remember what it is.
Many times I've seen my wife drawing characters on her hand and
counting when she wants to look something up in her Chinese
dictionary.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 00:50:13 -0500 (EST)
From: reamy@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Diane Reamy)
Subject: another anagram for yucks
To: spaf
This one is a little out of date (first heard on NPR)...
George Herbert Walker Bush => Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 14:26:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ask for it by name.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
> If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
From: Mike Jittlov <jittlov@gumby.gg.caltech.edu>
"Hell Toupee" was actually the name of an "Amazing Stories" TV show.
And also one of its few truly entertaining productions. A harried
(ooooo, bad) DA-to-be combs the city in search of a head-hunting
toupee, who takes over the minds of hapless chrome-domes and forces
them to kill any attorney who charges "reasonable rates". I can't
say it any better than that. You have to see the show. Really.
Ask for it by name.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 95 16:00:16 -0800
From: Adam Sah <asah@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: CS: funny tech report
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU
"A Characterization of Organic Illumination Systems"
ftp://gatekeeper.dec.com/pub/DEC/WRL/research-reports/WRL-TN-13.ps.Z
[Check this out. We should all be doing research like this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 09:54:39 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Does TV Kill?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
From: Donald A. Duncan, Cambridge Internet: 62726080@eln.attmail.com
I saw most of the program. I remember the phrase "What we *weren't*
prepared for is the sheer *volume* of TV people watch...."
And what will stay with me a long time is the image of the aforesaid
third-grader Paul Martin, who watches TV from the beginning of the day
to the end, breaking only for meals (and a couple of video games during
the soaps) standing with his parents and the interviewer (paraphrased
from memory):
INT: "Suppose somebody were to offer you a million dollars..." (Paul's
face starts to light up) "...if you would never - ever - watch a
TV screen again." (Paul looks shocked as he realizes what the
question is about, then starts to close down) "Would you do it?"
Paul: (promptly and confidently) "I wouldn't do it!"
Mother: (surprised) "Not for a million dollars?"
Paul: (shaking his head) "Nope!"
INT: "Why not?"
Paul: (looks blankly at first one, then the other, and after a second or
two, with a hint of plaintiveness) "What would you *do*?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 09:35:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Found in alt.aol-sucks
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: lidl@va.pubnix.com (Kurt J. Lidl)
[in response to a flame]
> See... AOL isn't so bad... we have lots of irritating people on the net
> already, who will notice a hundred thousand more?
>
> -Eric Bennett (ericb@psu.edu)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:41:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Grannie comes out of the closet.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
Forwarded-by: Tim Wright <timw@sequent.com>
Newsgroup: pdx.forsale
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE COLLECTION - 1957 to 1986, over 300
magazines in excellant to very good condition. Probably
only read once or twice and then stored in boxes. This
collection is about 90% complete.
This collection comes from my Grandmother's attic
and she would like to sell them.
Price $2500 Call xxxxxxxx or e-mail for info.
[Maybe Granny just read the articles? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 25 Feb 1995 21:50:42 -0600
From: rawiley@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu (R. Wiley)
Subject: Jeff Angus and Hitler quotes in rec.radio.amat
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
douglas213@aol.com (Douglas213) writes:
>Why is Nazi war memorabilia so often sold at gun shows? Well here is what
>I believe: I think that the nazi stuff sells so well at gun shows because
>the beeganwhacters are trying to divert our attention from the abductions
>and the tweet-tweet signal disrupting communications. Better to look up at
>the enemy instead of dead people. Yom.
>Rick
Huh?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 12:26:04 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "cate3@netcom.com" <Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com>
From: ihnss!harpo!decvax!watmath!watarts!geo
Things you should know so this story will be funny:
(1) Venesuela is a *very* Catholic.
(2) Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins
to let the steam escape.
My parents met, and got married while working in Venesuela for Shell Oil.
Shell provided their North American employees with North American houses,
Venesuelan maids, and a company store that sold North American food, like
potatoes.
My mother taught her maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families,
people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X"
in them. In my family we cut an "X" in them.
Anyhow, one day my mother heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in
to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked
potatoe all over the oven.
"!Senhora!" she cried. "!I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were,
but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 23:32:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
ShopTalk For Wednesday February 22, 1995
Happy Presidents' Day... "Or, as it's better known-the
Spectacular Annual Mattress Clearance Sale." (Mark Miller)
"Millions of Americans today will pay tribute to our nation's
leadership in a most fitting manner. They'll do nothing." (Alan
Ray)
o o o
Comedy writer Gary Easley, on statistics that show more people
talk about Rush Limbaugh on the Internet than about erotica:
"This makes perfect sense. After discussing Limbaugh. who wants
to even think about sex?"
Leno, on the NBC special "When Stars Were Kids": "They showed a
video of Madonna at her first communion. Seems to me that if you
want big ratings, how about a video of Madonna at her first
confession."
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a contest by Roll Call, the newspaper
serving Capitol Hill, to devise an advertising slogan to improve
Congress' image: "How about, 'Congress You bought the right one,
baby.' Or, 'Congress: Because there is no interest more special
than yours.
Ray, on a report that says female lawyers haven't advanced very
far in the past seven years: "Poor pay, humiliation and a lack of
respect isn't fair. Society should treat male lawyers just as
badly."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:54:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
ShopTalk for Tuesday February 28, 1995
Le Cirque d'O.J.
"By sheer coincidence, the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the Simpson
trials' count of nasty arguments between lawyers topped a record 4,000 on
the same day." (Bob Mills)
"District Attorney Gil Garcetti says there will be a second trial if the
first one ends in a hung jury. That's so L.A.: Start talking about the
sequel before the original leaves the theatre. (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)
"Some legal experts say Johnnie Cochran has played the "race" card at the
trial. That's not true: He's played the whole deck. (Tony Peyser)
"How can you tell if your kid will become an L.A. cop when he grows up? He
never wears his booties, but he can always find an extra glove if he needs
one." (Russ Myers)
o o o
In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the indictment of former Interior
Secretary James Watt: It's part of the Justice department's Whitewater
strategy. They'll indict a dozen Republicans, then effect a prisoner
exchange."
Jay Leno, on the President charging that recent Republican proposals
would take "food from the moths of babes:" "If there are any subjects
Bill Clinton's an expert on, it's food and babes."
Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on women's clothing manufactures putting
smaller size numbers on today's clothes because "women aren't into
reality." They're calling their new campaign `OPRAHsizing.'"
NBC's Conan O'Brien on Michael Bolton's disclosure that he was to sing the
national anthem at last year's canceled World Series: "Maybe this baseball
strike is not a bad thing."
Major League Baseball has a new slogan, says Jay Leno: "Baseball fever --
catch it and you're the new shortstop."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 18:01:47 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Kind of like getting your Kix on Route 66.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Ginger Ogle <ginger@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
"Cracks Revealed in On-Line Security"
-- San Francisco Examiner, Feb. 19.
What Mitnick is believed to have done is called "cracking route" -
penetrating the deepest levels of the computer operating system,
giving the hacker the omniscience of the company's highest-ranking
supervisor. "If you can 'crack route,' you can do anything you
damn please," [privacy pundit] Marson said.
Kind of like getting your Kix on Route 66, I guess.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 14:15:45 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: microsoft press release
To: spaf
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 09:42:00 -0500
From: mturyn@world.std.com
To: silent-tristero
Subject: For Immediate Release
INS (Redmond, WA) - Microsoft Corporation today announced the
"imminent release" of an integrated desktop application product
which will write fake newspaper articles about Microsoft. A
Microsoft spokesperson speaking off the record indicated that
the new application will produce articles which are "fakier"
and "more about Microsoft". Analysts speculate that this is an
attempt by the Redmond giant to corner what has appeared to be
one of the computer market's fastest-growing sectors of 1995.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 11:19:50 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu (Chuck Koelbel)
Subject: More Joking Flight Crews
To: spaf
>From: Skip Morris <morris@mv.MV.COM>
>
>I just had to share this. Returning from a recent business trip I
>listened to a slightly "unusual" inflight safety lecture. Below are
>some of the bits I managed to remember...
>...
>+ Thank-you for flying Delta Business Express, we hope you enjoyed giving
> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
Southwest Airlines has been doing jokes in the safety lecture for several
years. I thought this was hysterical at first, but after a year or so
noticed that they were repeating themselves. Anyway, some of my favorites:
* In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, a complimentary oxygen
mask will fall from the overhead compartment.
* If you are sitting next to a small child, or the person sitting next to
you is acting like a small child, please put on your mask before assisting
them with theirs.
* You probably won't be needing it today, but in the event of a water
landing your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.
* If you have a cellular telephone or laptop computer, yes we _are_
impressed, but please do not use these devices until we are at 10,000 feet.
* (On a nearly empty Denver->Houston flight) Welcome to Southwest Airlines
flight 555, with service to Honolulu... (Everybody on the plane looked up,
looked around, then settled back to see how this would play out. The
stewardess eventually corrected the city; Southwest doesn't fly to Hawaii.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 19:17:18 GMT
From: David Thomas <dthomas@basis.com>
Subject: more unusual airline safety lectures
To: spaf
I was on a flight where they told us
Anyone caught tampering with the lavatory smoke detectors will
lose their lavatory privileges.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 21:33:04 -0500
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: My book's out!
Well, congratulations, and the early reviews:
Reviewed in this issue.
-The New Yorker
We'll wait until it's on our best-seller list.
-The NY Times Book Review
I couldn't put it down! But my doctor prescribed Prozac
and now I can.
-Health & Fitness
Heroic, heart-warming, a boy and a dog named Linux.
-Reader's Digest
What all this has to do with Britain's decline escapes us.
-The Economist
Isn't Linux one of the Peanuts characters?
-PC Week
We're still waiting to see how Linux fits into the
mainframe/SNA connectivity picture.
-ComputerWorld
We have the full text for free download on our warez
bord d00dz, scroo copyrites!
-2600 Magazine
Weebo! Gonkers, and e-e-e-e-e-e-p for zippie-dom!
-Wired
[This book is truely an impressive collection of pages. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 11:39:05 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: my e-dog has e-fleas
To: spaf (Yucks List)
|VIRTUAL CRITTERS
|Researchers at M.I.T.'s Media Lab are developing a menagerie of intelligent
|agents, designed to roam around computer networks and make themselves
|useful. These virtual critters (they're referred to as a virtual dog, a
|virtual hamster, etc., depending on function) can perform simple tasks,
|such as sorting e-mail and scheduling meetings. The software program
|observes how its owner sorts e-mail, and after detecting a pattern, offers
|to finish the task. There are a couple of drawbacks...
I'll say.
My E-Dog (Biff) has bitten the Sendmail daemon so many
times it refuses to connect to my machine. Even E-mace
didn't help, it just made Biff mad, so that he bit Cron
and Httpd as well.
Besides, he tends to e-pee all over my e-mailbox...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95 20:39:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Nutty Science
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Gregg Porter <gporter@u.washington.edu>
From: Fredric W. Dabney <fdabney@NMSU.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list PUBRADIO <PUBRADIO@idbsu.idbsu.edu>
Subject: Dinner table conversation piece
I don't know if this story got out of the state, but it certainly qualifies
for strange story of the week.
I wonder how brother Newt will react to the notion of grants being sought?
Perhaps someone could suggest that if he doesn't shape up, he could be in
that number...
Human Gonads Sitting In Freezers Waiting For Radiation Testing
(Undated) -- Hundreds of human testes and ovaries from people who lived
near a Denver-area nuclear weapons plant have been locked in freezers for
about 20 years waiting to be tested for plutonium content.
The Albuquerque Tribune reported today that the body parts were left
over from a mid-1970s study. The study was commissioned to determine whether
people living near the Rocky Flats plant in Golden, Colorado had more
plutonium in their bodies than people living elsewhere.
The Tribune reported that the body parts arrived at Colorado State
University in Fort Collins, Colorado about two months ago. Before that,
they were stored in freezers at Los Alamos National Laboratory for about 15
years.
A professor at Colorado State's Radiological and Health Sciences
Department says he's hoping to get grants to analyze the roughly 200 gonads
for their plutonium content.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 95 11:22 CST
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: oh, god, he's written another one
To: eniac
from reviews for Robert James' newest book "Border Music":
"Robert James Waller, whose `novels' are the literary
equivalent of a toxic waste dump, has spilled another
drum of methylethyl bad stuff." --Henry Kisor, Chicago
Sun-Times
"What is the appeal of these books? Mr Waller's novels
read as if they had been churned out by a word processor
programmed with scenes from soap operas, B movies and
easy listening songs and written in language lifted from
Hemingway parody contests and Playboy picture captions."
-- Michiko Kabutani, New York Times
"Freed by guaranteed best-sellerdom to write as poorly
yet self-importantly as a person can, Waller conquers whole
new realms of wrongheaded lyricism and off-key poetry."
-- Walter Kirn, New York
"The folksy dialogue...smells of the SEARCH button on Wal-
ler's word processor, so relentlessly are the `G's' dropped.
-- Judith Dunford, Newsday
"When a reader's skin crawls every time the hero repeats
his special pet name for the novel's lady love...then you
know you loathe the book." -- Deidre Donahue, USA Today
"It's the literary equivalent of a velvet Elvis painting,
from its synthetic story line to its connect-the-dots char-
acters...." -- Vanessa V Friedman, Entertainment Weekly
from Newsweek 2/27/95
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 14:26:58 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: One intriguing and two so-so facts.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: Hal Glatzer <0002018560@mcimail.com>
Two intriguing facts about the ukulele, which I learned while
writing an article for the (now defunct) Frets magazine:
It came from the Portugese Azores, with immigrants. The most
celebrated ukulele builders, working for the Kamaka company in
Honolulu, are deaf. They test the tone by thumping the (carved)
top and feeling for just the right vibration pattern. (And, of
course, it's pronounced -- with no stressed syllable --
oo-koo-lay-lay NOT yu-ka-lay-lee)
Make that three intriguing facts.
[Perhaps you would settle for "three facts" or "one intriguing
and two so-so facts?" -psl]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 09:02:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: On Poultry Inspectors, Little-Known Importance of
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: <aol.com!Ninafel@bellcore.bellcore.com>
From: jhoff@msri.org
On Poultry Inspectors, Little-Known Importance of:
The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.
-- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 10:03:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Please don't knock anyone up.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for February 20, 1995
London, England:
Yanks abroad should watch their fanny packs. And Brits
stateside: Please don't knock anyone up.
That's the word from the Cambridge International
Dictionary of English published Friday. The last
Cambridge dictionary was published in 1587.
The 1,800-page dictionary features a special section
for "false friends" -- words that mean one thing in one
country and something quite different in another.
The things Americans call "fanny packs" are known as
"bum bags" in Britain and Australia -- harmless enough.
But it doesn't work both ways. "Fanny" is considered
extremely offensive to women among Brits and Aussies.
Similarly, "knocking someone up" in Britain simply
means knocking on their door to wake them up; in the
United States it means making someone pregnant.
The "false friends" list includes English words that
have made their way into other languages, taking some
off-color luggage with them.
In Japan, a "feminist" who likes "pink" would refer to
a lady's man who is into pornography.
Television and movies have erased some cross-ocean
peculiarities. Older Britons may understand "neat"
only as "tidy" or as straight alcohol, while their
children, exposed to Australian soap operas and
American sitcoms, know it also means "really good."
Other entries are purely products of the mass media.
One of the definitions for "beam" cites Star Trek's
"Beam me up, Scotty" as an illustrative phrase.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 10:33:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: PROCRASTINATOR'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE - AGAIN
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "cate3@netcom.com" <Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com>
2. From the newswires, and this morning's San Jose News:
PROCRASTINATOR'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE - AGAIN
Fearlessly, accurately and belatedly, the Procrastinator's Club of America
has just released its predictions of things to come in 1991. Among them:
- That Pee-wee Herman will run into trouble of an embarrassing nature.
- That after hitting the ski slopes at taxpayer expense, John Sununu will
hit the skids as White House chief of staff.
- That the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics will expire at the age of 74.
On the button every one. How do they do it? Simple.
"It's a matter of timing," says Procrastinator's Club founder and acting
president Les Waas. "Instead of making predictions at the beginning of
the year, we usually end up waiting until the end."
Waas has been acting president for more than a decade because the club
hasn't gotten around to holding an election. He says the club has more
than 9,500 members and contends that another half a million or so would
join if they got around to it.
The club is still in the midst of its 1983 membership drive. If you want
to join, write to Box 712, Bryn Athyn, Pa. 19009. Take your time.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 23:28:35 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
ShopTalk For Wednesday February 22, 1995
In an interview, O.J. defense attorney Johnnie Cochran said,
"I'm not in it for the money." Yeah, and I came to CBS just so
I could work with Morley Safer.
-- David Letterman
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 12:28:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids
the metric system.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:51:33 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Visiting spring training this year is like going to a nude beach and
discovering that it's senior citizen's day.
-- Scott Ostler, sports writer for the San Francisco Chronicle.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Q. What is the difference between the the 17-inch and the 16-inch monitors?
A. Compared to the 16-inch premium
1. The physical design. 17-inch is bigger.
- from the Question and Answer section of a Sun Microsystems
announcement of their SPARCstation 5 computer.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"[This] is a great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come
to see us to be able to recognize and identify manure, which will
help them in the future. Children need, at an early age, to be able
to identify manure."
- Mike McElroy of West Lake Hills, TX
(in his appeal to the city council to
be allowed to keep his pet donkey) reported
in the Austin paper in August, 1994, and in
News of the weird 11/11/94)
[I hope he has some Shine-ola on hand, too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 20 Feb 1995 20:30:48 GMT
From: fergus@jove.acs.unt.edu (Ferguson John B.)
Subject: read me!
Newsgroups: alt.2600
Indeed, in the (attempt at a) sentence, "You are all dicksucking
assholes," the dick-sucking should be hyphenated. The whole of the term
'dick-sucking' modifies assholes; the intent of the sentence is not to
say, as it would be correctly written without an hyphen, "You are all dicks
sucking assholes." That declaration would be an impressive stretch of
intellect and creativity from an AOL user that has obviously been
educated (if at all) in the most mediocre of high schools.
...and one thought that one might get AWAY from this sort of thing on the
'net...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 22:13:33 -0500 (EST)
From: jgarzik@cc.gatech.edu (Jeff M. Garzik)
Subject: See if they give a shit...
To: spaf
Spaf - If people haven't already started predicting the downfall of the
Web, surely the advent of the toilet cam will start the ball rolling:
http://wps.com/toilet/
[Isn't hypermedia wonderful? But paper is still needed for a few
things. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 12:07:38 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: slam-dancing baby-boomers? (re: Yucks Digest V5 #5)
To: SPAF
You mentioned slam-dancing baby-boomers in a previous digest, so, as
a baby-buster myself (you can call me "Generation X", too, but only if you
_like_ dental work), I feel compelled to correct you. Slam-dancing is
done to punk rock, which is more or less a baby-buster domain. Disco
dancing is done to sounds created by evil space aliens out to control
human minds (i.e., the BeeGees and Abba), and therefore is the province
of baby-boomers.
So, the real fear is rest-home baby-boomers in all white Angel's Flight
Depends, open to the navel, with gold chains bearing horoscopical
medallions, doing the "Dance Fever" in their walkers as frenzied staff
try to give them their medicine and hustle them off to bed.
The slam-dancing baby-busters wearing torn Levis and flannel shirts,
blaring Pearl Jam and the Sex Pistols from beat-up boom boxes, will comes
later.
I hope that clears up any confusion that might exist over this important
issue...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 09:16:13 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Somewhat safer than smoking.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sue Trowbridge <trow@charm.net>
TOP TEN REJECTED MCDONALD'S SLOGANS
10. 'Food, folks and triple by-passes'
9. 'Maximum taste -- minimum wage'
8. 'Somewhat safer than smoking'
7. 'Ronald McDonald touches most of the meat patties'
6. 'Ask about our new McHookers'
5. 'As mentioned by Kato Kaelin'
4. 'Give us a week and we'll double your weight'
3. 'We've heard that Dave Thomas guy from Wendy's dresses up like
a woman'
2. 'Over 90 billion served -- to Clinton alone!'
1. 'McSucks!'
[Music: McDonald's jingle, composed by Barry Manilow]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 09:53:23 +0000
From: meta@harlequin.co.uk (mathew)
Subject: Take your pick
To: Eniac <eniac
Taken from the February 1995 Journal of Clinical Psychiatry [courtesy of
unsassy@phantom.com]
"Rhinotillexomania: Psychiatric Disorder or Habit?" by James W. Jefferson
MD and Trent D Thompson, MD
Background: Conditions once considered bad habits are now recognized as
psychiatric disorders (trichotillomania, onychophagia). We hypothesized
that nose picking is another such "habit," a common benign practice in
most adults but a time-consuming, socially compromising, or physically
harmful condition (rhinotillexomania) in some.
Method: We developed the Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire, mailed it to
1000 randomly selected adult residents of Dane County, Wisconsin, and
requested anonymous responses. The returned questionnaires were analyzed
according to age, sex, marital status, living arrangement and educational
level. Nose picking was characterized according to time involved, level
of distresss, location, attitudes toward self and others regarding the
practice, technique, methods of disposal, reasons, complications, and
associated habits and psychiatric disorders.
Results: Two hundred fifty-four subjects responded. Ninety-one percent
were current nose pickers althought only 75% felt "almost everyone does
it;" 1.2% picked at least every hour. For 2 subjects (0.8%), nose
pikcing caused moderate to marked interferences with daily functioning.
Two subjects spend between 15 and 30 minutes and 1 over 2 hours a day
picking their nose. For 2 others, perforation of the nasal spetum
was a complication. Associated "habits" included picking cuticles (25%)
picking at skin (20%) biting fingernails (18%) and pulling out hair (6%).
Conclusion: This first population survey of nose picking suggests that it
is an almost universal practice in adults but one that should not be
considered pathologic for most. For some, however, the condition may meet
criteria for a disorder--rhinotillexomania.
J Clin Psychiatry 56:2, February 1995
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 14:22:11 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The end of AI as we know it.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
I just received a call for papers with the most promising AI journal
title I've ever seen:
From: Russell Greiner <greiner@scr.siemens.com>
Journal: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
Special Issue on RELEVANCE
[ body deleted ]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:55:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The id of most American V8s is an integral part of the casting...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: rcalhoun@MIT.EDU
From: sfisher@wsl.dec.com (Scott Fisher)
In article <180003@hpbbrd.HP.COM> gary@hpbbrd.HP.COM (Gary Tuosto) writes:
>
> Is it true that the id is stamped somewhere on the block? I have yet
> to find anything on my 350. Where is it? How does it break down?
The id of most American V8s is an integral part of the casting, applied
while the metal is still in a molten state. The superego is rarely used
these days as a cost-cutting measure; it used to be applied as a hot-vapor
coating just after the casting molds had been removed from the block
(though Hudson had experimented with brushing the superego directly into
the casting cores and pouring molten iron into the hollows; this was one
of the keys to their "twin-H-power" engines having such reliability,
because the innate sense of moral obligation provided by the superego kept
them working beyond the realm of most contemporary psychoplants).
The roller-lifter ids in use on modern Chevy V8s are not compatible with
the solid-lifter ids in use during the Fifties and early Sixties. Later
Tonawanda blocks (recognizable by a difficulty in approaching ethical
questions without some form of affective neurosis) can use the modern
roller-lifter id due to an effective ego structure in the rocker valley
that enables strong decision-making, effective value judgments and good
low-end torque.
It breaks down first by suffering valve seal deterioration, usually in
the #1 cylinder. After several thousand miles of this, it's not uncommon
for the Chevy 350 to experience minor personality dissociation, followed
by occasional impotence, anticipatory disaffiliation, and a loss of short-
term memory. In extreme cases, where the motor has been abused while
young, it can suffer from unresolved Oedipal conflicts resulting in a
tendency for the pistons to gall the cylinder bores. There has been only
limited success with standard treatment (such as cylinder honing,
dry-sleeving, and transactional analysis) but new hope appears to be
offered from a combination of role-playing in a group format and PTFE
treatment of the reciprocating surfaces.
--Scott "Have you driven a Freud lately?" Fisher
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 10:10:30 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Internet by any other name...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
From: gunther@ssi.edc.org (Gunther Anderson)
-- <D3pA9A.206@ssi.edc.org> in comp.society.folklore:
Reminds me of something...
Someone, presumably at MIT, coined the expression last year
"The Information Supercollider". I liked that immensely, but
recently realized that "Information Supersoaker" works just
as well. As long as we're mincing words.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 13:35:32 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: the subject should be "no shit"
To: spaf
henry@zoo.toronto.edu (Henry Spencer writes in [sci.space.tech] about
Sex in Space (or at least zero gravity)
=> In article <3h42fj$e2@news.halcyon.com> hollow@kendaco.telebyte.com
(Josh Lowder and Dick Holl) writes:
=> >...I had heard of the KC-135 story before. Just
=> >goes to prove the Air Force is capable of anything during long check out
=> >flights. Consumating in hyperbolic flight would require extensive
=> >highly focused foreplay and excellent timing by the research team. That
=> >is a feat worthy of the history books.
=>
=> Of course, there are some other feats of bodily functioning which are
=> better documented. The Skylab toilet was tested in the KC-135. From
=> "Living and Working in Space", NASA SP-4208:
=>
=> "[The toilet's] principal problem arose out of the difficulty of
=> conclusive testing in zero g. The zero-g condition could be maintained
=> for only about 30 seconds in the KC-135... Urination could be...
=> simulated by mechanical devices... but defecation could not be... Test
=> subjects who could perform on cue were needed. The Huntsville program
=> office was able to find a few people with this talent, and in November
=> 1969 two days of aircraft testing produced nine good `data points'..."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 09:34:36 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sue Trowbridge <trow@charm.net>
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
10. Instead of Alice in the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in
houseboy
9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich
8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about
their "brushes with the law"
7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne
6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady
5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom's high school
sweetheart, Bill Clinton
4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House
3. Every part is played by Paul Shaffer
2. Gripping scene in which Mom O.D.'s and Dad plunges a hypodermic
needle into her heart
1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds
[Music: "The Brady Bunch" theme song]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 13:23:26 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: What is computing all about
To: spaf
Our boulder campus (the one with the football team) subscribed
to the clarinet hierarchy on an experimental basis. Computing
services elected not to fund the $8 to 10K (i'm not certain of
the amount) to renew the subscription. Naturally, many of the
students are upset about this turn of events. There have been
numerous postings opining about the socially redeemableness of
the the copyrighted news hierarchy. Moreover, there have also
been several reasonable suggestions for alternative sources of
funding. In a move that smacks of intelligence, something one
can only applaud, computing services director Ken Klingenstein
(formerly a colleague of mine), posted a detailed explaination
that said, in part:
=> the top priority for CNS is to serve formal instruction.
I'll editorialize that i'm delighted that ken took the time to
offer a long discussion of why the decision had been made. My
belief is that such explainations are warranted. Anyhow, some
student (i won't mantion any names here) rejoined:
=> Whew. You had me worried there. I thought you might drop
=> alt.sex.bestiality.hamster.duct-tape too...
=>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95 10:13:31 PST
From: ross@epic.com (Gary Ross)
To: spaf
> BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN NAMING AN OPERATING SYSTEM
>
> This is a tough one. How do you choose between IBM's call to
> "Get Warped!" and Microsoft's attaching a year to the former
> "Chicago?" In the end, I had to give the bronze raspberry to
> Microsoft. Why? In two years, "Warp" will sound no sillier
> than it does today, while the name "Windows 95" will be
> downright embarrassing, especially if the program hasn't shipped
> yet. Personally, I was rooting for "Windows for Godot."
I understand that in order to avoid embarrassment about "Windows 95"
not actually becoming available in 1995, Microsoft has decided to
rename it to "Windows 95+"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------