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Yucks Digest V5 #6 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 21 Feb 95 Volume 5 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar
... they're out to *help* me!
All OJ, All The Time
Anagrams
Bad JOTD
Calvin & Hobbes Microsystems, Inc.
Dead People Server
definition
E-mail I receive
Fear of success
Forget your woes! Happy Valentine's Day from... (fwd)
Good To Know.
GOP attacks Constitution!
Killer recipe
Like comp.unix.wizards, only unmoderated.
Login name of choice.
Not guilty by reason of inanity
Ok, if he can do it I can do it...
quote of the day
re Solaris...
Soup du jour
Speaking of flying rats
Taxonomy of Barney
The best in dog food
The horseplay ceased to be a light-hearted jape ...
There are only 4 ways off this airplane...
The Wannabe ISP Psalm
Threads With Separate Address Spaces
Well, that ought to do it.
What if you just want to drop them down your pants?
Who's gonna risk his freedom buying you your drugs?
World's least necessary 800 number?
World Weirdness Down 2 Percent
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 14:06:56 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
1995-02-04 Selected Abstracts from AIR 1:2
Selected abstract from articles published in the March/April 1995
issue (vol. 1, no. 2) of The Annals of Improbable Research. For
details and accompanying photographs and data, see the issue
itself.
1995-02-06 'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar
by Karen Hopkin
Attention, afficionados of the academic Adonis. The curators of
the all-new Studmuffuns of Science Calendar seek photos and
biographical blurbs on the hottest young scientists from
astrophysics to zoology. Designed to give female students and
faculty members something to ogle while they run their gels or
prepare their grants, the calendar will feature a dozen of the
smartest and sexiest science studs around. We'll show these
brainy boys at work and at play... and reveal their intimate
secrets... their favorite board games, bacterial media, ftp sites,
and pasta recipes.
Nominate yourself. Nominate your chairman. Nominate the poor
unsuspecting slob slaving away at the lab bench next to you.
Remember, if you have a Y chromosome and a PhD, you could be Dr.
December.
We anxiously await your entries. Please send calendar candidate
photos to: Studmuffins of Science Calendar, c/o Karen Hopkin,
Producer, Talk of the Nation: Science Friday, WNYC Radio, One
Centre Street, New York, NY 10007 or c/o The Annals of Improbable
Research (address given below). If you have any recommendations
or would be interested in getting your hands on a copy of the
steamiest science calender ever conceived, drop us a line at
khopkin@npr.org.
[I'd offer my services, but they wouldn't be able to find 11
others to fill out the calendar. "11 other WHAT?" is the appropriate
response to that statement. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 14:03:39 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... they're out to *help* me!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: dab@berserkly.cray.com (David A. Borman)
We've all heard this line before:
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean that no one is
out to get me.
After the latest issue of a system administator who wants to "help"
me and all the other users, I've realized that:
Just because no one is out to get me, it doesn't mean
that they won't screw things up for me anyway.
And from that also follows:
Just because no one is out to get me, it doesn't mean
that no one is out to help me.
Just because someone is out to help me, it doesn't mean
that they won't screw things up for me anyway.
Just because I haven't asked, it doesn't mean that no
one is out to help me.
There is often no difference between someone who is out
to get me and someone who is out to help me.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 19:53:52 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: All OJ, All The Time
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Ginger Ogle <ginger@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Includes "Today's Trial Transcript" and a video of OJ's "not
guilty" plea. Who says you gotta watch TV to stay in touch?
(Missing: the link to alt.fan.oj-simpson, the Canonical List of
OJ jokes.)
http://pathfinder.com/pathfinder/features/oj/central1.html
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 09:09:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Anagrams
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Omar Siddique <osiddi1@gl.umbc.edu>
Forwarded-by: finin@cs.umbc.edu (Timothy Finin)
Forwarded-by: fritzson@susq.com
>From "The Mother Tongue" by Bill Bryson (a great book)
Ronald Wilson Regan Insane Anglo Warlord
Spiro Agnew Grow a penis
Western Union No wire unsent
The Morse Code Here come dots
Mother in Law woman hitler
circumstantial evidence can ruin a selected victim
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 14:51:09 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bad JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
What were Jeffrey Dahlmer's last words?
"I eat guys like you for breakfast."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 16:40:14 -0500
From: nmehl@bem3a19.attmail.com (nmehl)
Subject: Calvin & Hobbes Microsystems, Inc.
To: spaf
[A Yucks submission, of course, from "Boston Computer Currents" Magazine,
February 1995; Lincoln Spector's "First Annual Pentium Awards", "...to
honor last year's most questionable achievements in computer science
and marketing..."]
BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN NAMING AN OPERATING SYSTEM
This is a tough one. How do you choose between IBM's call to
"Get Warped!" and Microsoft's attaching a year to the former
"Chicago?" In the end, I had to give the bronze raspberry to
Microsoft. Why? In two years, "Warp" will sound no sillier
than it does today, while the name "Windows 95" will be
downright embarrassing, especially if the program hasn't shipped
yet. Personally, I was rooting for "Windows for Godot."
BEST NEW ACRONYM
Intellicorp wins this traditional award with a methodology called
Object-Oriented Information Engineering (OOIE). I believe it
runs on your GUI. Let's hope it doesn't go kablooie.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 14:49:39 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Dead People Server
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mike@cs.UMD.EDU (Mike Steele)
From: Rich Holmes (rsholmes@hydra.syr.EDU)
Date: Fri, Feb 17, 1995
Remember whathisname? He played the guy in that dumb movie with
whoziss. What ever happened to him? Specifically, *is he dead yet?*
Here's where to find out. Use your web browser to access The Dead
People Server: <A HREF="http://web.syr.edu/~rsholmes/dead.html"></A>.
The Dead People Server is simply a list of celebrities who are, or
might plausibly be, dead, with information as to who has really Rung
Down the Curtain and Joined the Choir Invisible, and who's Just
Resting. If I were really cool it would be a searchable database with
a forms interface, and all that. But I'm not that cool, and neither
is our server, so for now... you must remember this... a list is just
a list.
And it's a short list too. But it will grow. If you have queries or
answers send them to me at rsholmes@mailbox.syr.edu.
*Disclaimer:* Information is provided by a variety of sources, not all
of them reliable. *Accuracy not guaranteed. No responsibility
accepted for incorrect data.* If you know of any errors, please let me
know!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 23:41:09 -0500
From: wam (William McVey)
To: spaf
Gene Spafford wrote:
>Subject: Dead People Server
Another list of dead people can be found at The Obituary Page.
The URL is: http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Obituary/
-- William
P.S. Some of the professions of the dead people are actually kind of
funny (in a sick, morbid sort of way). Be on the lookout for
Jeffrey Dahmer...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 15:48:09 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: definition
To: spaf
***********************************************************************
* ORIGINALLY From lkfoltz@wetterhorn.uccs.edu Mon Feb 20 11:36:07 1995
Charlie, thought you'd enjoy the latest addition to my dry erase board in
my office
POLITICS:
"poly" = many
"tics" = blood sucking parasites
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 11:07:11 +0000
From: meta@harlequin.co.uk (mathew)
Subject: E-mail I receive
To: Eniac
Yesterday I had a "weird e-mail" day.
- - - start of item one - - -
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 17:39:10 GMT
From: <deleted>@aueb.ariadne-t.gr (<deleted>)
Message-Id: <9502151739.AA03371@dias.aueb.ariadne-t.gr>
To: mathew@mantis.co.uk
Hi Mathew.
Do you know anything about the group alt.sex.fetish.feet?
I can't find anyone posting to this group.
<deleted>@dias.aueb.ariadne-t.gr
- - - end of item one - - -
I have absolutely no idea why he would think I know anything about that
newsgroup. Feet are not my idea of a good time, and I've never even looked
at the group. Strangely, though, I've had three pieces of e-mail like the
above over the last year or so. Each time I write back and ask them why on
earth they're asking me, but so far nobody has replied.
But even more inexplicable e-mail was to come:
- - - start of item two - - -
From: <deleted> <<deleted>@gc.univ-lr.fr>
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 20:21:22 +0200
To: <deleted>
Subject: FIRE !
Cc: <deleted>, meta
Dear Sirs,
We are a Civil Enginearing Laboratory in La Rochelle
University, France,
and in order to constitute the state of the art for fires in
poultry farms
we are looking for:
1. Papers concerning the combustion of the straw (chemical
reactions, different
parameters wich are influencing, modeling).
2. Papers concerning possible reasons for fires in poultry
farms.
3. Papers or references concerning security recomandations
and/or standards against
the fire ignition in poultry farms, or similar.
4. A software program which models a fire (ignition,
developpement, ...) - if any.
5. Any other laboratory and insurance company having its own
laboratory which could
have informations about any of 5 points above mentioned.
Thank you for your help.
<deleted> (<deleted>@srv_gc.univ-lr.fr)
- - - start of item two - - -
OK, would you like to try and guess why they think I know about fire
ignition in poultry farms?
[I wonder if the two are related in any particular way? And what is
the state of the art in fire at poultry farms? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 14:04:30 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fear of success
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
... whatever this might mean.
>From EDUPAGE 2/12/95
FEAR OF SUCCESS
Microsoft's chief operating officer says the biggest fear consumer products
companies face in turning to interactive advertising is that they will
actually increase product sales, reports MediaWeek (Feb. 6). (Investor's
Business Daily 2/10/95 A3)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 09:44:11 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Forget your woes! Happy Valentine's Day from... (fwd)
To: yucks
____
_/ \_ ____ ___ ____ _ _ ____ _ _
/ (o)(o) \ | \ / \ | \ |\ | | | |
/ \__..__/ \ |---< |___| |---< | \ | |-- \ /
( VVVVVV ) |___/ | | | | | \| |___, |
\ \nn/ / ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
_<\ \\ // />_ _ _ _ _ __ _ _
\_ \ / \____/ \ / _/ / \ / \ | | | | | | |
\ \/ /[}{]\ \/ / / \/ \ | | | | | | |
\ \ | | / / ( $ $ ) | | | | | | |
/` | | '\ \ / \ / | | | | |
/ | | \ \ \__/ / | | | | | |
( | | ) \ / / | | | | |
\ /\ /\ / \ / | |__| |__| $
) ( \ (_ ) ( \/
(^^^> \___<^^^) (*Medium Well*)
~~~ ~~~
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Feb 1995 09:39:24 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good To Know.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From the Intel application note AP-485, on the use of the CPUID
instruction on x86 processors:
Do not assume that a value of 1 in a feature flag indicates that
a given feature is present, even though that is the case in the
first model of the Pentium processor. For some feature flags
that might be defined in the future, a value of 1 can indicate
that the corresponding feature is not present.
[Gotta love those Pentium designers... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 95 13:25:24 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: GOP attacks Constitution!
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[Here's "If English was good enough for Jesus..." in a slightly more
up-to-date form... -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Daniel R. Tenenbaum" <dante@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Davis Oldham <daviso@u.washington.edu>
<Further Forwards in preventive detention>
Heh, I just heard about this. Yesterday the House was debating
a bill that basically guts the exclusionary rule. A Democrat,
Mel Watts, introduced substitute language which was, word-for-word,
the 4th Amendment. Bill McCollum went on a tear on the House
floor, denouncing this terrible bleeding-heart liberal language
as directly contrary to the bill's intent. A vote was taken. The
4th Amendment was voted down by the House.
This morning they figured out what had happened. And they're,
well, they're _peeved_.
======================================
For those who don't have a reference library at hand, here's the 4th
Amendment: "The right of the people to be secure in their person,
houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and
seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon
probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly
describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be
seized."
[I'm not sure which is the bigger tragedy, that they would vote down
the spirit of the 4th, or that no one who voted against it recognized
it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 95 18:20:25 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Killer recipe
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: "James T. Newberry" <jtn@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: John Penny <pen@dgi.com>
K. L. Cake
1 box spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
1 box white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
Green Food Coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls
1 new kitty litter box
1 new kitty litter box liner
1 new pooper scooper
Prepare and bake cake mixes according to directions in any size of pan.
Prepare pudding and chill.
Crumble cookies in small batches in blender. Add a few drops of green
food coloring to cup of the cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a
jar. Set aside.
When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss
with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough of the pudding to
make the mixture feel moist, but not soggy.
Place a liner in the box and pour in mixture.
Unwrap 3 Tootsie rolls and heat ina microwave until soft and pliable.
Shape blunt ends into slightly curved points (use your imagination).
Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake
mixture.
Sprinkle the remaining white cookie crumbs over mixture, then scatter
green crumbs lightly over top.
Reserve 1 Tootsie Roll. Heat the rest, three at a time, in the microwave
until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with
crumbs from box. Heat remaining roll just until pliable and hang it over
the edge of the box.
Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with the scooper!
[Sure to be a hit at our next faculty party... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 21:00:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Like comp.unix.wizards, only unmoderated.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
A posting from "alt.unix.wizards", suggesting why "comp.unix.wizards" is
moderated:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: ummilit2@cc.umanitoba.ca (Giovanni John Militano)
Newsgroups: alt.unix.wizards
Subject: My friends a jerk
Date: 13 Feb 1995 16:26:04 GMT
Organization: The University of Manitoba
We have a program called ZWRITE on our UNiX system. It is used for
sending messages to users who are logged on. What my friend has been
know to do is pipe 1MB postscript file to my screen.
ie.: more big_file.ps |zwrite userid
At 2400 baud, this will take about 1Hour to clear. I can do the same to
him, but he runs a slip connection, and my messages just go to an error
console which he minimizes. It there anything that I can do without
turning off my messages? Can I redirect output from him back to his
terminal?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 13:45:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Login name of choice.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kevindu@atm.com (Kevin J. Dunlap)
From: Emily Cummins (cumminme@wfu.edu) wrote:
Just to stop this thread now (I've mailed some people individually):
NO! It was a shen from the login paradigm of my year (all Class
of '95 at Wake Forest Undergrad have as login first six letters
of last name then first two initials... my name is Mary Emily
Cummins... I know; it's horrible. I appreciate your sympathy.
At least my infamy will die when I graduate!!!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 11:32:25 -0800
From: Mark.Graff@Eng.Sun.COM ( Mark Graff )
Subject: Not guilty by reason of inanity
To: yucks
This doggerel, I'm sorry to say, is original with me.
O. J. Simpson bought a knife
And turned it on his second wife;
Then told her, as the blade withdrew,
"Your waiter will be right with you."
I have no idea if it's true of not, but I sure like the way
it scans.
For non-U.S. readers: one of the most notorious crimes
of the last century was the violent murder of the
parents of Miss Lizzie Borden. Lizzie was acquitted, but
hounded ever after by the children's rhyme,
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks;
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 17:57:21 -0500
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: Ok, if he can do it I can do it...
From: perley@cadence.com (Don Perley)
>> In light of Dan Quayle's announcement today that he is not seeking the
>> nomination to run for President of the United States I wanted to
>> announce that I am also not planning to run.
>> -b
>I think I'll keep my options open.
Rumor has that Quayle said that although he is not going to be running
for president in 1996 he's leaving his decision on '97 open for now...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 10:53 EST
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: quote of the day
To: yucks
this was in the morning mail:
"Show me a young man who is a Conservative, and I will show you a man without
a heart. Show me an old man who is a Liberal, and I will show you a man
without a brain." Author Unknown
[It wasn't Rush, was it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:18:29 -0500
From: joeg@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Joe Gaudreau {Dances with PostScript})
Subject: re Solaris...
To: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU, spaf
and SunSoft is a name of an Australian based (I believe) video game
company (Sega, Nintendo...)
:> Explains more :>
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 11:44:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Solaris is a trademark of Monsanto
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams)
Solaris is the name of the lawn and gardening products division
of Monsanto Corp.
Suddenly Solaris 2.X makes a lot more sense....
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:46:58 CST
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: Soup du jour
To: SPAF
Our company uses a food service contractor for lunches, snacks,
etc. at work. A small snack area has soup each day and the soup
kind is hand-written on a nearby chalk board. I checked the
board today and saw that "Beef Poodle" soup was today's choice!
(Un?)fortunately, the handwritten 'P' was really a sloppily
written 'N'. I'm glad that food service hasn't fallen too low,
yet.
------------------------------
Date: 5 Oct 1994 09:02:20 -0400
From: geturner@cobra.aer.com (George E. Turner)
Subject: Speaking of flying rats
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
One morning in Vermont, I woke up to find a bat in my front hallway. I
thought that was a good place for a bat and that it would probably go
away eventually, but my wife insisted that it be removed. I really didn't
want to touch it, so I came up with the very clever (or so I thought) idea
of taking a vacuum cleaner with one of those little edge tools, and grabing
the bat with that and then releasing him outside. We didn't want the bat to
fly into our hair so we both put hats on. The first part of the plan worked
fine, the vacuum cleaner was strong enough to hold on to the bat as I carried
him outside. My biggest problem was my cat, Yassar Aracat, thought that I
had caught her breakfast. She kept climbing up my body and leaping from my
head to try to catch the bat. My second biggest problem was my two German
Shepards who had similar thoughts about breakfast. Only they just sort of
danced around in front of me on their hind legs. My biggest problem, however
came when I was a suitable distance from the house and my wife unplugged the
vacuum cleaner. The fucking bat's head was stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
Imagine driving by my house just then, a man out in his yard, thrashing
about with a vacuum cleaner, a cat on his head and two German Shepards
dancing on their hind legs. I eventually shook the vacuum cleaner hard
enough to shake the bat loose. It immediately flew back into the house.
[Funny, I've had days like that. Actually, not quite as bad. However,
twice in the last 6 weeks I've had a bird fly into the house when I
opened the front door to get the morning paper. (I don't know why.) I
then spend a half hour chasing the poor bird from room to room, cursing
at the cats as they try to scale the curtains to get to the bird before
I do, while my wife is alternately laughing at me and berating me for
letting the bird in, and my daughter is sitting in her highchair
shrieking because she wants to see the bird. Throwing a towel over the
bird as it cowers in the sink seems to work well, once it is tired
enough to set down there. Sigh. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 08:45:54 -0500 (EST)
From: Tiffany_Taylor@mm.cobb.ziff.com
Subject: Taxonomy of Barney
To: bob
(From the MIT catalog.) Something those of us with small children have been
wondering about...
A TAXONOMY OF BARNEY
by
E. Theriot, A. Bogart, and E. Spamer
Abstract:
The animal species commonly known as "Barney" has a dinosauriod shape, is
bipedal, and has a head about one-third the size of its body. X-ray analysis of
a specimen of Barney shows that the skeleton is clearly hominid, both in
morphometry and distribution of osteological elements. From this and other
evidence, the authors conclude that this animal is a hitherto unknown member of
the Family Hominidae, which they name Pretendosaurus barneyi. Taxonomically,
Barney more closely resembles a dead salmon than it does a dinosaur.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:52:07 CST
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: The best in dog food
To: SPAF
My wife recently saw the following on a sign outside a pet shop:
Lo-cat dog food
The food was probably just "lo-cal", but imagine Rover getting
upset about the advertised content.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 15:43:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The horseplay ceased to be a light-hearted jape ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.research.att.com
>From Private Eye
"To have your false teeth jammed between the cheeks of someone else's
buttocks would strain the patience of even the most mild-mannered person",
defence solicitor Timothy Van-Rees told a Welsh court. "If someone gets
a couple of slaps to the head after something like that, they have only
themselves to blame."
Earlier, the prosecution had told the court how a curry-eating contest
between Bernard Davies, Martin Harding, and others in Llandrindod Wells
had got out of hand: "The men had been drinking heavily before they
entered the Dilraj restaurant and, after consuming a further 10 pints of
lager, arranged a `hottest curry in the house contest'. Davies lost, then
took out his false teeth and put them in his curry. Somehow the teeth
then found their way around the table, and several other contestants put
them in their mouths. One of them, Neil Watson, decided to drop his
trousers and, by means which never became clear, the teeth became lodged
in his bottom. When Davies realised that his teeth were nowhere to be
seen, he became agitated, accused Mr Harding of thieving, shouting `come
on then, I can take you' at him, rubbed lime pickle in his eyes, punched
him several times in the head, and split his cheek with a kick from the
knee. It was a nasty business."
Summarising the case for the defence, Van-Rees told the court: "The
horseplay ceased to be a light-hearted jape when somebody, it doesn't
matter who but certainly not the defendant, inserted the teeth between
another diner's buttocks." Davies pleaded guilty to a charge of assault,
but later protested: "When the old set were returned to me, I couldn't
use them, they were all bent. I had to have a new set made, at a cost of
280 pounds, and they're no good. The poppadoms got stuck under my upper
plate."
[Ah, the Welsh are such a playful folk... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 20:10:49 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: There are only 4 ways off this airplane...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <alexr@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Yerkes" <yerkes_chuck@jpmorgan.com>
Why do I never hear these? (tho' publishing this probably means
that management will make sure that nobody ever shows a sense of
humor on Delta again)....
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: Skip Morris <morris@mv.MV.COM>
I just had to share this. Returning from a recent business trip I
listened to a slightly "unusual" inflight safety lecture. Below are
some of the bits I managed to remember...
+ Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in
their most uncomfortable position.
+ There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane...
+ Your seat cushons can be used for floatation, and in the event of a water
landing, please take them with our compliments.
And, after landing:
+ Thank-you for flying Delta Business Express, we hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 12:18:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Wannabe ISP Psalm
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
From: randy@psg.com (Randy Bush)
The Wannabe ISP Psalm
-- by Luke? Who's Luke?
The Net is my manual, I need not read.
It allows me to rest on the sofa while others do my homework.
It leads me to sit learning nothing.
It maintains my clue-lessness.
Surely laziness and a bad net rep shall follow me all the days of
my so-called life,
And i will live in luserness forever.
------------------------------
Date: 10 Feb 1995 19:28:02 GMT
From: rob@research.att.com (Rob Pike <9764-89799> 0112710)
Subject: Threads With Separate Address Spaces
Newsgroups: comp.os.research
> I am trying to find pointers to any research
> that allows threads to have *separate* address
> spaces. All of the work with which I am familiar
> assumes the threads share a global address space.
You might look into the idea of a process. Unix has
a system call fork() that is relevant here.
[This is funny. I remember telling people about how times had
changed so much that people started talking about threads as
if they were a new concept. Now this. It's hell to get old.. :-)
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 08:55:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, that ought to do it.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk For Friday February 17, 1995
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In a crusade to purge Western influences, Iran took final action
Wednesday to ban satellite dishes, giving owners 30 days to remove
them or face stiff fines. The ban was approved by the Council of
Guardians, a 12-man committee of jurists and Islamic canonists
responsible for endorsing all laws passed by the 270-member parliament.
[The decision was not broadcast by C-SPAN. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 14:38:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: What if you just want to drop them down your pants?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From Wednesday's "What's New With NCSA Mosaic":
Ferret Central
Pamela Greene, Rochester, NY, US
Whether you have a pet ferret or are just interested in these
intelligent, affectionate animals, Ferret Central has something
for you. This extensive index includes links to the Ferret FAQ
and Photo Gallery, as well as to many other ferret resources and
organizations.
http://www.ceas.rochester.edu:8080/ee/users/rhode/index.html
I wonder if they have anything on ferret legging....
[See Yucks v4(16) for the original ferret legging article. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 10:05:19 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who's gonna risk his freedom buying you your drugs?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
A Valentine's Day quotation and best wishes for romance from Quote of
the Day!
Who's gonna clean and perfume your bras like I do?
Who's gonna make your macaroni and cheese?
Who's gonna kiss you between the legs like I do?
Who's gonna bite your ankles and your knees?
Who's gonna understand,
When you're always getting out of hand?
Who's gonna bring you back,
When you get so hard you crack?
Nobody but me.
Who's gonna hold your hand in church like I do?
Who's gonna hold your head when you come home drunk?
Who's gonna risk his life in your bed like I do?
Who's gonna risk his freedom buying you your drugs?
- from the song Nobody But Me, by The Pursuit of Happiness (found on
their 1993 album, The Downward Road)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95 11:57:14 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: World's least necessary 800 number?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[This came around once before (Fun_People, May 27, 1994) and when I called the
number I was subjected to an automated telephone questionnaire before getting
the listening part of the show. When I passed the information on, I suggested
that we all mention "elbows" in the questionnaire part, only to learn that
most people (maybe all) weren't getting a questionnaire at all. Perhaps MCI
is doing some surveying and only quizzes every tenth caller, or only callers
from specific areas (markets), or perhaps they're just testing their automatic
caller ID service... Anyway, please let me (psl@acm.org) know if you get a
questionnaire. Thanks, -psl]
Forwarded-by: lanih@irony.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Alix Herrmann Scheurer <ascheur@ipnhp1.unil.ch>
Forwarded-by: Dan Arias <darias@netmanage.com>
Forwarded-by: Peggy <?>
Forwarded-by: Danny <?>
In case you haven't seen or heard this yet, MCI has created the
wackiest, most useless 800 number around. I can't describe it
except to say you must call:
1-800-969-4874 [1-800-WOW-IT'S-HOT]
I call on my speaker phone and let the dulcet tones fill my office with...
oh, you'll see... and it's FREE!
[Warning: being an 800 number does not guarantee that it's free... -psl]
[This is a pretty fun number. It is free, too -- Peter's warning was a
generic warning for 800 numbers in general. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 23:26:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: World Weirdness Down 2 Percent
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <dwallach@CS.Princeton.EDU>
LONDON (AP) -- This may be the weirdest news of the year --
the world isn't as weird as it used to be.
That's the assessment of The Fortean Times magazine, whose
annual weirdness index reports that ``strange phenomena'' declined
2 percent worldwide in 1994, compared with the previous year.
The magazine makes its assessment by counting the reports of
various inexplicable, unlikely and ineffable occurrences.
Reports of mass death, water monsters, genius and stupidity all
declined, but reports of alien big cat sightings, miracles, new
animal species and cults were all higher, the magazine said.
Reports of hoaxes and panics, close encounters and alien
abductions, and UFOs held steady.
[I've noticed a decline in good Yucks postings, too... --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------