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Yucks Digest V4 #40 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 18 Dec 94 Volume 4 : Issue 40
Today's Topics:
bad network security. Bad dog.
deer hunting humor...
EMU INVESTING
English Professor Discovers flaw in MS Word
Foetal point math
Fortune Cookie Compiler Diagnostics
FWD: A funny. (fwd) (2 msgs)
FWD>More Intel humor
Gonna Be A Star!
good for yucks
Heard on ABC radio network news this morning
Here's to the spin doctors
Mister Ed on helium ...
mo' Pentium power
Mustache twirling for the masses
One of those has caused enough trouble
Oral Hackers
pentium jokes
Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood (2 msgs)
Quote of the day
ShopTalk
sign of the coming apocalypse
speaks for itself
Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I got.
Virtual government
Well, there ya go.
Why didn't the manufacturer think of that?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 94 13:46:25 -0500
From: simsong@pleasant.cambridge.ma.us (Simson L. Garfinkel)
Subject: bad network security. Bad dog.
To: spaf@pleasant.cambridge.ma.us, beth@pleasant.cambridge.ma.us
>Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 23:43:33 -0500
>From: Alan Bawden <Alan@epilogue.com>
>Cc: Unix-Haters@mc.lcs.mit.edu
>Subject: passwd -l
>
> From: Rob Austein <sra@epilogue.com>
> Date: Fri, 16 Dec 94 17:56:44 -0500
>
> Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 17:39:46 -0500
> From: Alan Bawden <Alan@epilogue.com>
> ... If I say "chpass", it says "passwd: connect: Connection refused".
> It would be nice to be able to set my passwd, what's going on here?
>
> You really mean "chpass"?
>
>No, I often type "chpass" when I should have typed "passwd". "chmod"
>changes the mode of a file. "chgrp" changes the group of a file. "chsh"
>changes my shell. And so of course "chpass" changes, um..., a bunch of
>things are are -not- my password. Right. In any case I was typing
>"passwd", not "chpass". I only typed "chpass" by accident in my mail to you.
>
> Kerberos gets its fingers into the password changing stuff. The way
> to change a password just on the local machine is "passwd -l".
>
>Oh, of course, I should have guessed. "Connection refused". What else
>could it mean? Obviously this means that Kerberos wants me to give the
>"-l" argument to the "passwd" command. What could be more plain? Silly
>me. Unix really isn't all that hard if only people would learn to -read-
>the error messages.
>
>It's perfectly straightforward -- "Connection refused" clearly means that
>something -bad- happened (that's why the error message uses the negative
>word "refused"), and it has something to do with -networks- (because the
>error message uses the word "connection"). Put this together with the fact
>that I was trying to change my password (-security-), and what do you get?
>Let's see... "Bad" + "Network" + "Security"... Bad Network Security...
>Hmm... Baaad Network Security. Bad. Bad dog! Bad! (Grrrrr.) Down boy.
>(Grrr!!) Down! BAD! No! (GGRRRRAWWGGGRRRRRR!) Down! Bad dog! Stop
>that! Eaiiii!... Right! Kerberos! The Network Security Dog From Hell!
>What else could it be? The error message couldn't have been clearer.
>
>Sorry for bothering you.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 11:41:20 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: deer hunting humor...
To: SPAF
---Numerous forwards removed---
From: schoenbe@tekelec.com
This one is from the south and is best told with a southern accent.
I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours
I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I
was stopped by the game worden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed
him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's
asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The worden told me that the
deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted
in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and
showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment
from handing out fines to hunters without permits.
About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a
tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a
clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back
to my truck, the same perverted worden came up and insisted he be allowed to
inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled
and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was
from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and
got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the worden seemed
even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a
ticket and he had to let me go.
I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did
the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I
needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a
permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West
Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit
for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?"
I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the worden, "why don't
you tell me!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Dec 1994 10:13:47 UNDEFINED
From: arvesen@tivoli.com (Ralph Arvesen)
Subject: EMU INVESTING
Newsgroups: misc.invest
In article <3clapl$2a0@data.interserv.net> kcoldwel@interserv.com writes:
> It is not premature for a processing market. With over 500,000
> emus in the US at this time we are indeed going into a
> commerical market. I should know because I have been raising
> emus for nearly seven years. YES, there are many who want to
> become millionaires quickly but the vast major of the nearly
> 10,000 domestic breeders do not agree. We have been working
> hard to go to a commerical market and we are there. It IS NOT
> a prymaid scheme. It is similar in nature to the turkey,
> chicken and beef markets.
[other information removed]
I have talked to emu breeders in the past and they were definitely in it
to get rich fast. You are probably right, not everyone is like this.
How much does an emu cost? If they are still really expensive, when do
you think they will be around $100 or so? If they are really following
turkeys and other commercially produced animals, won't they reach this
price sometime?
If they are still pretty expensive, wouldn't you think it is a risky
investment now since a buyer would be paying "breeding" prices and the
industry is about (or already is) starting to harvest (what a terrible
word) them?
What other countries commercially produce Emus? How long have they been
doing it? How much do they cost in the other countries?
I did not know if anybody else was interested in this discussion or not,
maybe it would be more appropriate off-line.
[I'm not sure which is a more startling thought -- the family sitting
down to the holiday table around a steaming roast emu, or the fact that
there are nearly 10,000 people in the US breeding over 500,000 emus in
the US with hopes of creating a new market. McEmu nuggets, for instance.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 15:38:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: English Professor Discovers flaw in MS Word
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-by: sntaylor@leland.Stanford.EDU (Stewart Neff Taylor)
Press Release: MS Word Has Bug
English Professor Discovers flaw in MS Word
By Brad Sandman
Redmond - A university English Professor discovered today that
Microsoft's flagship word processor, MS Word 6.0, contains a subtle error
that gives incorrect results to some spell check operations. The spell
checker will not give flawed results in most cases, as there is just one
rule affected by the bug.
Professor Niceguy from the University of Seattle explains the problem:
"My research into English language usage caused me to discover an
otherwise subtle problem in the MS Word spell checker. After noticing a
few inconsistencies in the results of some of my writings, I was able to
narrow down the exact source of the bug. There is an obscure English
grammatical rule which specifies concurrent letter order for diphthong
vowel pairs. This algorithm is almost always applied in the same way,
save one minor exception. It is the exception which the checker is
missing, and therefore errs on the application of the rule in a small
percentage of its use."
Simply stated, the rule is often referred to as "the `i' before `e'
rule." Niceguy observes that it is the "except after `c' clause" that is
at fault. Professor Niceguy stressed that most users will never
encounter the problem, and in fact, would probably not even notice it if
it were to occur. "It is really only the academic language community
that would even care about this problem," he says.
Microsoft has acknowledged the bug, and has already provided a fix for
the next scheduled release of Word. A spokesperson for Microsoft
reported that the spelling problem has been known to Microsoft for some
time. "In fact," says our source, "it has always existed on the
Macintosh versions of Word, and nobody ever complained about it there."
Upgrades to users will be handled via Microsoft's normal customer
service lines. The company has stressed that only academic users and
language researchers will recieve a free fix -- all other users can take
advantage of a special bug-fix upgrade price of US$39.95. "After all,
nobody needs that level of precision in spelling, anyway," says Bill
Gates, CEO of Microsoft, in a letter posted to the Internet.
MS Word 7.0 for Windows, which includes the corrected spelling
algorithm, will ship shortly after Windows95 in the second half of 1995.
Microsoft has not yet indicated whether the release of their PowerPC
Macintosh version of Word will have the fix.
Just before this story went to press, IBM announced that they will
provide free replacements for copies of Word which demonstrate this bug
while running natively under OS/2.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 94 3:20:02 EST
From: dkw@cs.brandeis.edu (David Wittenberg)
Subject: Foetal point math
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
heard from a colleague:
Did you hear about the successor to RU-486?
It's called RU-Pentium. It prevents the embryo's cells from dividing
correctly.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 1994 17:20:06 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles Shub)
Subject: Fortune Cookie Compiler Diagnostics
Newsgroups: comp.compilers
To: spaf
From: booda@lynx.navo.navy.mil
> Maybe it's because I ate Chinese last night, but I got a couple of cc/ldr
> diagnostics today that sounded a LOT like what you'd read on fortune cookie
> fortunes:
>
> cc-172 cc: WARNING file = /u/xb/aagp/new_aagp/aagp_setup.c, Line = 185
> No code is generated for a superfluous expression.
> [...]
> ldr-133 cc: WARNING
> Unsatisfied external references have been encountered.
>
> Doesn't it seem that the folks who write compiler diagnostic messages
> moonlight as writers in Fortune Cookie factories? The same
> terseness, the same mystical obscurity, the same vaguely
> threatening equivocation. I almost expect the diagnostics to be
> followed by winning lottery numbers.
> I began to consider the confusion if diagnostics were somehow
> mixed up with the fortunes. Imagine the reaction of a diner opening
> up a cookie and seeing:
>
> "Variable "buf" is used before it is assigned."
>
> ...especially if that is, indeed, the problem in the program he's debug-
> ging at work! (Rod Serling, are you listening?) And imagine the popularity
> of a compiler which provided _really_ useful information, like:
>
> "The inflexible man forgets that the rice is harvested by bending."
>
> every time it encounters a syntax error. The best idea, I think, is to
> come up with phrases which could be used equally well either as fortunes _or_
> diagnostics:
>
> "It is most unwise to build upon an undefined structure."
> "The sow mates not with the bull; nor the int * with the char."
> "Correct previous errors before persevering to gather objects."
> "Ambiguous references presage Bus Errors; pause and reflect."
> "The wise nightingale contains its new nest entirely within the old."
> "Help! I'm a prisoner in an ADA factory!"
>
> (hehe, just kidding with that last one) The sum effect of such an
> effort would be to both improve the computer literacy and
> programming ability of the general (well, at least those who
> frequent Chinese restaurants) public, and to cultivate wisdom and
> aesthetic tranquility amongst programmers, who sorely need it.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 19:20:13 -0700 (MST)
From: Joseph Poirier <snag@acca.nmsu.edu>
Subject: FWD: A funny. (fwd)
To: bob
Forwarded message:
>From hands@io.com Fri Dec 16 14:54:28 1994
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 15:50:57 -0700
From: "Claire L. Benedikt" <hands@io.com>
An atom walks into a bar.
He orders a drink, and the bartender, without blinking (bartenders see
quite a bit on the job) goes to pour it from the tap. He returns with the
drink and notices the atom looking dejected and cursing to himself.
"What's wrong?" asks the sympathetic bartender.
The atom replies, "I lost an electron...damn..." and continues muttering
to itself, downing the drink.
The bartender, surprised: "Are you sure?"
The atom looks the bartender in the eye, seriously. "I'm positive."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 23:16:56 -0600
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@healthcare.com>
Subject: FWD: A funny. (fwd)
To: Joseph Poirier <snag@kazak.NMSU.Edu>
> An atom walks into a bar.
> ...
> The bartender, surprised: "Are you sure?"
> The atom looks the bartender in the eye, seriously. "I'm positive."
I told this to a, er, friend here, and he suggested that although
not bad, it might be verse if told in ionbic pentameter...
------------------------------
Date: 13 Dec 94 16:27:05 -0700
From: /S=Steve#u#Wolfson#064#tempeqm.sps.mot.com/OU2=AZCCSM1/OU=AZCC/P=MOT/A=MOT/C=US/@email.mot.com
Subject: FWD>More Intel humor
To: John_Kinyon-AJK007@email.mot.com
Intel (NASDAQ: INTC) today announced a 3 for 1.99994562416 stock
split effective Jan 5, 1995, for stockholders of record as of Dec 9,
1994. Although analysts were surprised about the strange ratio in the
stock split, an Intel spokesman stated that "That's just the way the
math worked out!"
Intel also filed a motion with the SEC requesting that it be allowed
to publish it's financial reports to only 1 or 2 significant digits
stating that: "There are significant efficiencies to be gained, both
in the preparation and printing of financial reports. Just as
taxpayers can choose to file returns using the whole dollar method, we
feel we can get financial reports out much faster if we don't have to
rerun all our spreadsheets through a PowerPC to verify them. Besides,
most investors only care about the first 2 significant digits anyway!"
In related news, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced
that its chairman, Bill Gates, had filed for personal bankruptcy after
discovering that his personal net worth had been overstated by
approximately $8 billion due to a undisclosed computer glitch.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Dec 1994 10:59:23 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Gonna Be A Star!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
From : kadrey@well.sf.ca.us (Richard Kadrey)
Newsgroups : alt.sex.safe
Subject : CYBERSEX DOCUMENTARY
Date : Tue Dec 06 12:38:26 CST 1994
Organization : The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA
Wanted: participants willing to talk about their online sex
experiences in documentary for national TV show. Emmy award-
winning producers are looking for people in San Francisco, Los
Angeles or New York who fit (roughly) into the following categories:
1 A married couple of who use online sex to spice up their own
relationship (and possibly to meet other people/couples).
2 A housewife (define it any way you like) who uses online sex to
spice up her fantasy life and go places her mate can't/won't
take her.
3 An average boy or girl who assumes alternative personas and
gender for online sex
4 Two people who will allow HBO to be on either end of their online
sex correspondence as it happens (i.e., have online sex on
camera).
If you, or someone you know, fits any category, please email Richard
Kadrey (kadrey@well.com) as soon as possible.
[Hey! How about people who actually have sex WITH their computers?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 94 10:09:09 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: good for yucks
To: spaf
Found on yahoo (http://akebono.stanford.edu/yahoo/)
The Capt. James T. Kirk Sing-a-long Page
http://www.ama.caltech.edu/~mrm/kirk.html
"Fascinating."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 09:15:56 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Heard on ABC radio network news this morning
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sklower <sklower@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Heard on ABC radio network news this morning
Domino's Pizza reports a 23% increase in the number of pizza's
ordered by nude people this year. The recipients tend not to
be very good tippers, frequently citing that "they don't have
a thing on them". Domino's reports that the worst tippers are
owners of Lexus cars, and the best tippers are owners of Ford
Taurus's.
[Hmm, describing nude people ordering pizzas, followed
in the same paragraph by references to tips, leads to some
distressing images. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Dec 94 10:27:20 PST
From: Ric Forrester <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Here's to the spin doctors
To: spaf
Sure it's unfair to fire pot-shots but....
Last night (12/14/94) I was watching NightLine and as they went to first
commercial the voiceover went something like this:
-----------
President Clinton - Can He Save His Presidency?
brought to you by........
INTEL.
--------
Oh, the irony.....the irony......
[I dunno. I heard that Bill wanted to heal the divisions we have in
the US at the moment, and Intel would be a good place to start.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 23:22:45 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Mister Ed on helium ...
To: spaf
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Mister Ed on Helium
From: rah@UWYO.EDU (Roger A. Hunt)
Date: 7 Dec 94 12:27:39 MST
= Stevie Nicks.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 12:58:52 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: mo' Pentium power
To: yucks
Q. Did you know that the Pentium was originally going to be called the
Amoeba?
A. Yeah, but then Intel found that it couldn't divide.
====
Intel: Close enough for government work.
====
Q What new instruction are Intel working on?
A BDV - Branch Davidian.
====
Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A: Repentium.
====
Q: What does the element Pentium decay into?
A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.
====
The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.
====
Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying
up late at night trying to figure out what to do about
the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point.
====
I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today...
====
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 13:43:18 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mustache twirling for the masses
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: olaf.@digirule.com (Olaf Schroeder)
Taken from ComputerWorld Canada...
ISDN makes nose-pick perfectly clear
The power of Integrated Services Digital Network (ISDN) and the
dangers of videoconferencing were embarrassingly - and pointedly
- demonstrated in front of a vast audience at Comdex.
An Intel Corp. marketing executive in Hillsborough, Ore.
demonstrated ISDN videoconferencing with Intel CEO Andrew Grove
here at a Compdex ISDN panel discussion. Grove said good-bye to
his Hillsborough colleage and sat down to wrap up his
contribution.
But as Grove made his closing comments on the pressing need
for ISDN, the audience began laughing. Grove paused to ask what
was so funny. Looking up, Grove saw his colleague unknowingly
still on the auditorium screen and appearing to pick his nose.
Grove asked his demonstration assistants to shut off the screen
projector, but the embarrassing video continued, the audience
grew louder, and Grove -- smiling in frustration -- buried his
face in his hands.
Finally, panel moderator Bob Metclafe, a columnist for the
trade newspaper InfoWorld, got up and walked to the demonstration
machine, where he gingerly minimized the videoconference window.
Asked later about what happened, Metcalfe, who had been
sitting only a few feet from the demonstration machine, insisted
that the executive in Hillsborough had not been picking his
nose, but merely twirling his mustache.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 14:46:36 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: One of those has caused enough trouble
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: emclain@cs.washington.edu (Evan McLain)
The following is an excerpt from the e-mail White House Summaries sent by
the White House press office.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 21:43:11 -0500
From:wh-admin@esusda.gov
To: press-info@ghost.esusda.gov
Subject: 94-12-13 White House Summaries
...
> PRESIDENT'S OPENING AND CLOSING PLENARY SUMMIT REMARKS--December
> 11, 1994 -- The President said the leaders have committed to 23
> separate and specific initiatives and more than 100 action steps
> protecting the diversity of plant and animal species, phasing out
> lead and gasoline, reducing infant immortality, and improving
> education and health care.
So how exactly is the government planning to phase out lead and
gasoline? Furthermore, what effect is this going to have on those
poor immortal infants?
------------------------------
Date: 14 Dec 94 12:42:23 ES
From: Mark Colan <Mark_Colan.LOTUS@crd.lotus.com>
Subject: Oral Hackers
To: silent-tristero
(from PC Week, 12/12/94, "Some Outrageous, and Not So Outrageous,
Predictions")
PC audio's next push into the world of corporate computing will be
dealt a major blow when a disgruntled layoff victim at General Motors
destroys hundreds of hours of work by running through a floor of
cubicles yelling, "FILE! CLOSE! NO!" The tactic, which will come to
be known as oral hacking, obliterates unsaved work on speech-enabled
systems by closing files without saving.
[I prefer the "FORMAT C: RETURN" option as discussed in Yucks v4 #14
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 04:53:10 GMT
From: bdb@GTS.ORG (Bruce Becker)
Subject: pentium jokes
To: eniac
Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com> wrote:
|[forwards removed]
|
|Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
|[...]
Q: what's the diff between a conquering army
& a pentium chip?
A: one divides the spoils & the other
spoils the divides
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 1994 18:11:23 -0500
From: Dabe "Dabe" Murphy <dabe@cs.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
To: Bradford.Wetmore@EBay.Sun.COM
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 18:14:14 -0800
From: Bradford.Wetmore@EBay.Sun.COM (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #38
To: spaf
>> Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
>> ------------------------------------------
>>
>> There once was a young person
>
> I'M OFFENDED!!! HOW DARE YOU USE YOU A GENDER SPECIFIC WORD SUCH AS
> perSON IN A CHILDREN'S STORY. BECAUSE OF THIS REFERENCE, A WHOLE NEW
> ^^^
> GENERATION OF WOMAN-BEATERS WILL ARISE.
>
> Please change all such references to "per-being"
I always wanted to go:
- woman
Can't use "man" -- Replace it with "person"
- wo-person
Can't use "son" -- Replace it with "offspring"
- wo-per-offspring
Can't use "spring", it shows seasonism -- Replace it with "season"
- wo-per-off-season
Can't use "son" -- Replace it with "offspring"
...
- wo-per-off-sea-off-sea-off-sea-...
> or use the more appropriate word "entity."
"Entity" ?? How DARE you ridicule the female breast like that.
[ Beavis: "Heh... heh heh... He said ``Titty''... heh heh... heh...]
But mayhaps I just have it in for the PC types (I'm "euphemistically
challenged")
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 1994 16:02:22 -0800
From: Bradford.Wetmore@EBay.Sun.COM (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
To: dabe@cs.UMD.EDU
> - wo-per-off-sea-off-sea-off-sea-...
:)
> > or use the more appropriate word "entity."
>
> "Entity" ?? How DARE you ridicule the female breast like that.
8-O Oh sh*t!!! I thought I was through with that sensitivity training
I had to undergo. Oh well, the teacher was kinda cute...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Dec 1994 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself
a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about
repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in
the struggle for independence.
-- C.A. Beard
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 09:34:16 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
You have to understand that this newspaper represents a threat to most of
the unions on strike. Nine unions are out on strike together, and the
appearance of this strike newspaper on the Web proves that eight of them
are obsolete.
San Francisco Newspaper Guild person, commenting on "The Free
Press" -- an electronic newspaper published by striking S.F.
reporters and editors
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Political post-mortem, Part II: "The GOP now has complete
control of Congress and it's a whole new ballgame for
everybody. republican Sen. Alphonse D'Amato announced that
not only will there be Whitewater hearings, they'll be
held in Nuremburg." G(Argus Hamilton
"Republican leaders breathed a sigh of relief Wednesday
when lawyers told them that their `contract with America'
is not legally binding." -- Bob Mills
"The new Republican agenda calls for the elimination of
welfare payments for a third child. They're calling it
`Three Tykes and You're Out," -- Will Couzin
"When right-wing Republicans get through with Democrats,
there won't be anything left." -- Tony Peyser
"The power of House Speaker-to-Be Gingrich will be
enormous. No bill will be able to pass without the AYE OF
NEWT." -- Michael Conner
"Ted Kennedy was so thrilled with his victory that he
promised he would lose weight. He's going to fly to Palm
Springs for a 28-day stay at the Betty Crocker Center." --
Argus Hamilton
o o o
Also In The News: Comedy writer Alan Ray on the San
Francisco newspaper-strike violence: "Newspaper people
aren't very good at starting riots. No matter what they
throw, it always lands on the roof.
o o o
Salute to Agents: "My agent spent six years in therapy
getting in touch with his inner child. Now he's in a 12-
step program for adults who wet the bed." -- Rowland Kerr
"Nancy Kerrigan's agent left his wife and is now dating
Nancy. But he still won't return her phone calls."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 19:08:05 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: sign of the coming apocalypse
To: eniac
On silent-tristero, David Lounsbury pointed out that Frosty Paws (ice cream
for dogs) and http://www.pizzahut.com are the first two signs of the
coming apocalypse.
I give you the third:
http://www.zima.com/
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 94 14:32:30 MST
From: woods@ncar.ucar.edu (Greg Woods)
Subject: speaks for itself
To: haha@stout.atd.ucar.edu, eniac
http://www.galcit.caltech.edu/~ta/barney/barney.html
(Not officially affiliated with Barney Inc.)
[Anybody know of an official ANTI-Barney site? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 12:32:04 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I got.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Forwarded-by: George_Cross@qm.ctc.contel.com (George Cross)
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
From: Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there.
I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady,
we've got your kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM). Please
note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job
as part of their new work-release program. Let's get together and
talk about switching over."
-- Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I
know I'm talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a
recording -- of Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I
say, "AT&T never put me on hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had
a nasty infection like the one I got."
-- Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my
living room window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in
writing? You got it. Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where
you live."
-- Mary Hoppin, consumer services manager, Asian Sources
Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb
your house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened
me like that." And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T."
-- Paul Gosselin, free-lance copywriter, Nashville
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 20:14:55 -0500 (CDT)
From: Frothy Puss-Nugget <MELTON@AC.GRIN.EDU> (Bradley J Melton)
Subject: Virtual government
To: SPAF
Reprinted without permission from my textbook on operating systems, from a
chapter regarding virtual memory and paging:
"Certain options and features of a program may be used rarely. For instance,
the routines on U.S. government computers which balance the budget have not
been used in years."
[There are other parallels. I have often used the government as an
analogy for OS design when I teach the OS classes here. Issues of more
services vs. less time for user processes, protection vs. freedom to
implement it yourself, etc. Then there are the cases of bugs in the
software, outmoded code, backwards compatability, and more. Windows
even has a Jesse Helms workalike somewhere that scribbles over random
memory at unpredictable times. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 15:42:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, there ya go.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: ShopTalk For 12/19/94
A recent study shows that 87% of women say that poor
fitting underwear can ruin their whole day.
[Enquiring minds want to know -- what about the other 13%?
Does it make their day, or do they simply not wear any? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 1994 11:42:25 -0500 (EST)
From: (null)
Subject: Why didn't the manufacturer think of that?
To: v068rbpe@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Catherine Ferraro)
I had to use a public restroom this weekend, and after washing my hands
I noted to my dismay that, rather than paper towels, there was only an
air dryer. The instructions read (and I paraphrase) something like
this:
1. Push button to start dryer.
2. Rub hands gently and thoroughly under hot air.
3. Dryer will stop automatically.
Beneath this, someone had scratched in
4. Wipe hands on pants.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 16:08:09 GMT
From: mbersohn@alchemy.chem.utoronto.ca (M. Bersohn)
Newsgroups: comp.object
There's a stampede of the lemmings to use English as the
international language. English is promoted by its
inventor,Bjarne Shakespeare. But the grammar of English is
so difficult and illogical that most native speakers have
not mastered it. Moreover the pronounciation is
unpredictable from the spelling.
Bertrand Chao has a good alternative: Chinese! It's free of
grammar, verbs don't decline, adjectives have neither
number nor gender etc. etc. The ideal language.
If you don't like that there's Latin 9X. It has the most
rigorous grammar of all. A guaranteed end to bugs if you use
the magic Latin 9X for your object-oriented programming.
Instead the mob of idiots are gravitating to English
for international communication. How can you explain human
beings?
[To whom? asks Tom Reid, who forwarded this to Yucks. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------