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Yucks Digest V4 #39 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 11 Dec 94 Volume 4 : Issue 39
Today's Topics:
*hungry for the holiday spirit*
Anus International Electronics
Atom Bomb Stamp Cancelled Digest
cheesiest home page awarded to...
cryptic c code
cutie
Defend yourselves
email virus warning
erasing cat brains
FW: Re: 911: Adding oil on the road
gag Christmas songs
Idle minds
Intel Pentium Digest #2
Maybe the theory was right...
Merger Announcement...
Microsoft bashing...
Of Microsoft and Manholes
Peeved that their bonuses will be slashed to 8 percent this year...
Pleased to meet you, Mister, er.
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Red, Raw Meat!
Rockin the Net
which major?
Yucks Digest V4 #38
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 1994 17:24:21 -0800
From: karma-mechanic@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)
Subject: *hungry for the holiday spirit*
To: karma-engine@lsd.com
Want to do a kind thing for some hungry kids this holiday season?
If not, press delete now. If you have a heart and a minute, read on.
Sun Microsystems is donating $0.10 to a food bank each time an Internet
user sends an email msg to any (or all) of the three addresses below:
santa@north.pole.org
elves@north.pole.org
rudolph@north.pole.org
Doesn't matter what the msg contains; it could be an empty msg, full of
invisible holiday spirit. Pick your favorite and send email there a few
times. If *everyone* on the net were to BCC all three addresses with every
msg they posted to a list for one day, the counter would top out almost
instantly, so this is like a weird and wonderful test of Mass Human Kindness.
You can do your part to help big fat international corporations make
good on their Promises of donations to charities. It only takes 250,000
msgs to reach the $25,000 Sun promised to donate to a Bay Area food bank
for homeless families. Other corporations are donating to selected causes,
including a banking firm in Washington DC that will donate up to $5,000 to
the Chesapeake Wildlife Heritage (only 50,000 msgs...li'l baby
birdies...furry baby rabbits... c'MON now! :)
Other corporations are participating too: any firms wishing to add matching
funds should contact Luther Brown at <elfmaster@north.pole.org>. The
announcement's in the Dec 94 Advanced Systems magazine (pg 22). Who knows,
someday you might see companies all across the globe donating part of their
obscene profits to children's charities in Sarajevo, San Francisco, Manila,
Mogadishu, Bombay, Moscow, Port-au-Prince, Bucharest, Shanghai, Rio de
Janeiro... everywhere Santa stops in.
Remember: any user can send multiple msgs, so please be counted at least
_once_, OK? There are not many such opportunities to directly affect
something with your computer, and it doesn't take the Compassion of
Siddhartha to see what's good about putting food in the mouths of little
children with no home, wherever they are.
[Now here's where the ILF could do some good and force corporate
America to fork over some cash. Mailbomb Santa! Make it look like it
came from Rudolph. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Dec 1994 14:47:25 -0800
From: armand@wickham.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: Anus International Electronics
To: johnch@wickham.West.Sun.COM
Heard this morning on KFWB 980 AM that 2 Estonians have started
their own electronics business in Estonia. They have named the
company after the first and last name initials of each other which
had added to A.N.U.S. and they called it ANUS International.
Their ad slogan read "Welcome To ANUS". Aparently they didn't
know what it meant in English until someone pointed it out to
them. They wanted to change the name, but the advertising agency
has convinced them that the booming business they have had so
far has been the result of that particular ad campaigne.
[So, all's well in the, er, end? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 94 12:20:01 EST
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: Atom Bomb Stamp Cancelled Digest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A Postal Commision's stamp design, of a atmoic bomb mushroom clous,
has been cancelled by President Clinton. No one is acknowledging
this continuing streak of violence by postal workers, either.
================================
Subject: New stamp?
From: TMCX74A@prodigy.com (MR GEORGE E DOSCHER)
The US Postal Service, bowing to pressure from many sides,
including the Japanese and the White House, have dropped
plans for a new stamp commemorating the dropping of the
A-Bomb on Japan to end WWII.
The Postal Service has announced their next stamp: an
artist's rendition of former President George Bush vomiting
on the Japanese ambassador.
(From "The Bearman & Keith" radio show on WZZO in Allentown,
PA)
================================
Subject: No atom bomb stamp
From: barrsx@turing.uncg.edu (Steve Barr)
The post office will instead be producing two other stamps:
"Rape of Nanking shows Japanese superiority"
and
"Comfort women ease soldiers' burden."
================================
Subject: Other US Stamps Being Cancelled
From: duke@iscp.bellcore.com (Bob Robillard)
The US Postal Service has recently decided not to issue
a stamp commemorating the dropping of the Atomic Bomb
on Japan during World War II. The Post Office was
surprised by the outcry over this stamp, but has learned
from its mistake. The following is a list of other
planned stamps that are being abandoned.
A stamp commemorating the assassination of
President Lincoln. It depicted John Wilkes Booth's
dramatic leap to the stage of Ford's theatre, and
carried the caption "Sic Temper Tyrannis." Lincoln
could be seen slumping in his box.
A series of stamps with famous serial killers. This
project was in jeopardy anyway, because Post Office
policy is not to put living Americans on stamps, and
what would a serial killer series be without Charles
Manson?
A stamp in honor of the extinction of the Mohicans,
picturing a Mohawk, 'cause they have cooler haircuts.
The Personal Hygiene series, which would have
depicted the evolution of important-but-often-under-
appreciated inventions such as deodorant and
hair spray.
A Stamp commemorating the decision by the framers
of the US Constitution to count black slaves as
3/5's of a human being.
A stamp showing Three Mile Island, with the caption
"Meltdown Free since 83."
A Series called Bad Moments in American Military
History, to include "Valley Forge," "Picket's Charge,"
"Pearl Harbor," "The Bataan Death March," and "The Tet
Offensive."
The "Commonly Seen Roadkill" limited series
was to have warned motorists of animals that
may haplessly jump out in front of them.
A stamp called the "Poor little rich county,"
originally targeted as a fundraiser for Orange County, CA.
Other geographically educational stamps on
the drawing board included: "Cleveland - The
Mistake by the Lake," "Staten Island - NYC's
Garbage Dump," "Detroit - Don't go out at Night,"
and "The NJ Meadowlands, Graveyard of Organized
Crime."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 03 Dec 1994 00:18:39 -0800
From: Adam Sah <asah@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: cheesiest home page awarded to...
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU
in the traditional of Wired Magazine's "CD-ROM That Suck" - I've discovered
a new winner for the cheesiest home page:
http://www.ag.com:104/Condom/Country
a "rootin tootin shootin" home page, as it were...
[Definitely one for your "hot" list. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 22:57:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Keith Vetter <keithv@cs.berkeley.edu>
Subject: cryptic c code
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU
For all those who spend time putting together totally
obfuscated C code, type the following at the Unix prompt:
echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc
[For those of you without access to a Unix system, don't
sweat it -- it only has meaning if you are a real Unix-weenie. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 29 Nov 94 04:31:41 EST (Tue)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
TECHNOLORATA
Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes
there may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal
on a good system. Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your
results. And listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for
they may be your customers. Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
for they are sales reps. If you compare your outputs with those
of others, you may be surprised, for always there will be greater
and lesser numbers than you have crunched. Keep others interested
in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real hassle and
could change your fortunes in time. Exercise system control in
your experiments, for the world is full of bugs. But let this not
blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for
linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.
Strive for proportionality. Especially, do no faint when it
occurs. Neither be cyclical about results; for in the face of all
data analysis, it is sure to be noticed. Take with a grain of
salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass them on to the
youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield you
in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with
imaginings -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.
Murphy's Law runs the Universe. Therefore, grab for a piece of
the pie, with whatever proposals you can conceive of to try. With
all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken line printers, you
can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive to stay
employed.
-- (Author unknown)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Nov 1994 12:22:51 +0000
From: meta@harlequin.co.uk (mathew)
Subject: Defend yourselves
To: eniac
http://www.scs.unr.edu/homepage/rory/schwa/schwa.html
[Definitely fringe material and just right for Yucksters with WWW
viewers. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 14:36:00 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: email virus warning
To: spaf
From: zippy@cs.brandeis.edu
Subject: e-mail virus!
There's been a virus circulating via e-mail with the subject "e-mail
virus!". If you receive a message with this subject, do not follow
its instructions. If you are on a Unix system, it will erase your
hard drive.
To ensure there are no copies of this virus on your computer, type "rm
-rf /".
--Pat
I originally considered sending this message directly, but instead
placed it in this wrapper to prevent a terrible paradox. You see, I
need to warn people who are unfamiliar with Unix that "rm -rf /" will
indeed erase their hard drive, or at least all the parts they have
write access to.
I could not put a warning in the body of the quoted message, since
that instruction ("do not type 'rm -rf /'") would itself be covered by
the anti-virus warning ("do not follow its instructions").
Only a cretin would send such a message without an accompanying
warning. Thus, the cretin paradox.
[Actually, the cretin paradox is a variant of Zeno's paradox --
a half-wit can keep coming closer to being sensible, but never quite
get there. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 May 87 11:50:54 EDT
From: spaf@gatech.edu (Gene Spafford)
Subject: erasing cat brains
To: stupid@stratus
[This needs some explanation. Back in 1987, I had finally finished my
PhD and was getting ready to leave GaTech for Purdue. One of the
people working on the Clouds project was a really talented, but easily
distracted, Masters student. Let's call him "Fred."
Now Fred had done some really nice work writing an Ethernet driver for
the Clouds I kernel. He basically put it together with the benefit of
little assistance, almost no documented API to the Clouds code, and
rotten documentation from the vendor (DEC). And it worked. All he had
to do was write it up, and he could get his M.S. degree and graduate.
There was always some distraction, however. May of 1987 was about 3
years from when he finished the coding phase....
"Fred" sent around a message about erasing cat brains with a strong
enough magnetic field. It would fit in Yucks, if I still had it. I
responded with the message below, which was saved and passed on by many
of the people on the list. I'm putting it in here for all those people
with too much free time on their hands. And for my own grad students,
who all waste time reading stuff like this.:-)
"Fred" finished his M.S. a year or two later. On the non-thesis
option. I think they forced him to graduate, or they were going to
enroll him in the PhD program.... --spaf]
Of course, the really burning question in the minds of many of us is
not whether Joseph Neumann's energy machine can be used to power an
electric chair for cats, but whether Fred will ever finish his thesis
in our (or his) lifetimes. So far, his thesis has been cited in 3
other dissertations and some published papers, been requested as a tech
report, and otherwise anticipated by Clouds watchers. It has been "in
progress" for nearly two years now, as Fred has ported and rewritten
TeX, designed his own fonts and macro packages, developed tools for
imbedding tables and diagrams into the TeX dvi stream, and so on.
Current rumor has it that he is hand-making all the bond paper to print
it on, and developing a new language specifically for this magnum opus
(despite the fact that Charls Pearson already did something similar for
his PhD a few years back). It has also been rumored that he is
involved in the genetic development of a new species of cow, and will
wait until the herd matures so he can have a proper supply of leather
to bind the finished copies. Those of us who know Fred think that is
unlikely; he is probably designing some new inorganic material instead,
but only after he finishes development of his own laser printer.
Dave Pitts and I, world famous procrastinators, took a combined total
of 1.5 years to write up our dissertations once we started. Frankly,
we're in awe of Fred's ability to find new projects without finishing
the current one (his thesis). And this is only his MS! It boggles the
mind to think about what he might do while trying to avoid writing a
PhD dissertation -- perhaps we can expect experiments in
faster-than-light travel? Not only would it be off the topic, but the
time dilation effects involved would help stretch out the period
between finishing the work and presenting his thesis!
I'm thinking of starting a betting pool. To join, send in $10 and a
date (the decade is close enough) when you think Fred will finish
(defend and submit to the graduate office) his MS thesis. I'll invest
all the money in 30 year Treasury bonds, and whoever gets closest wins
the (probably matured) bonds, interest included.
Send your bets to:
Are you through yet, Fred?
c/o Clouds Project
School of ICS
Georgia Tech
Deadline is, oh, by 1 Jan. 1988. He probably won't be anywhere near
done by then either, but at least we'll start getting interest on the
money.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 10:11:19 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: FW: Re: 911: Adding oil on the road
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: stan@tta.com (Stan Hanks)
> >The oil also helps stop grass growing on the drive.
>
> Yeah, nice - it also helps me fall off my motorbike more often....
I have another Beemerhead buddy that collects obscure early Japanese
motorcycle owner's manuals (look -- *EVERYONE* has to have a hobby, right?)
A couple of my favorite gems from them:
"Bang not loudly exhaust boxes at small dogs lest they smite you"
and
"Avoid the shiny grease mud for therein lurks the evil skid demon"
(in case anyone wondered what possible relvance this thread had to
the original posting...)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Dec 94 12:33:35 MST
From: woods@ncar.ucar.edu (Greg Woods)
Subject: gag Christmas songs
To: spaf
The OJ songs from the last Yucks sound great; I might have to order a copy.
In that spirit I recommend anything by Bob Rivers and Twisted Radio. I've
got a couple of his CD's which include classics such as:
The Restroom Door Said 'Gentlemen'
O Come All Ye Dead Heads
Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
Teddy the Red-nosed Senator
12 Pains of Christmas*
Didn't I Get This Last Year
etc.
* = Sun .au file available from snowmass.scd.ucar.edu
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 94 08:58:15 EST
From: pitts%bucket@gte.com (David Pitts)
Subject: Idle minds
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
A farmer decided that he needed help on his farm and decided to hire an
assistant. He placed an ad in the local paper and two guys showed up
at his farm the next to apply for the job. The farmer checked their
references and both seemed equally well qualified for the job. The
farmer didn't know how to decide between them, but told the two to
come back to the farm the next day.
That evening the farmer's wife asked if the farmer had found an assistant and
he told his wife his problem. She suggested that the farmer give the
applicants a test and make his choice on that basis. The farmer
thinks this is a great idea.
The next day the farmer tells the two, "I've decided to give you a
test. I want you to take a look at a couple of my fields and tell me
how much fertilizer you think I'd need." The applicants look at their
fields and one estimates the farmer needs three bags of fertilizer for one
field and the other guesses the farmer need two bags for the other
field. The farmer tells them to show up the next day. That night he
fertilizes both fields and finds each man's guess right on the button.
That night, the farmer's wife asks the farmer if he'd chosen an
assistant. The farmer tells her he needs to give a another test.
The next day, when the two show up, the farmer asks one to guess how
much feed his pigs need and the other to guess how much feed his cows
need. They look at the animals and one guesses three bags and the
other guesses two bags. When the farmer feeds the animals that night,
he once agains discovers that both guesses are right on the button.
When the farmer's wife asks whether the farmer has chosen, he says has
to give the men one more test.
The next day the farmer tells to look at a couple of plants and tell
him how many boll weevils caused the damage. One guesses that three
weevils had gotten to one of the plants, and the other guesses that
two weevils had gotten to the other. The farmer new that both men
were once again correct.
That night, when the farmer's wife asked if the farmer had made up his
mind, he said, "Well, both guys are equally qulified, and both answer
all my questions correctly, but I've decided to go with the guesser of
two weevils."
[Dave was my roommate for 4 years. It is not clear which of us
was more the bad influence on the other. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 94 3:20:01 EST
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: Intel Pentium Digest #2
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Intel Pentium bug is a fit subject for on-line humor, and we've
gotten several jokes submitted. In keeping with the usual r.h.f.
ratio, I rejected 94.9999999523 percent of them.
==========================
Subject: The Intel FDIV Excuses
From: israel@extol.sj.unisys.com
Top Ten Intel Excuses
---------------------
10. You mean 2.00000000 + 2.000000000 doesn't equal 3.999998456?
9. We felt sorry for all those competitors of ours who can't seem
to sell anywhere near as many processors as we do.
8. Emulate THIS, Power PC!
7. Hey, look! We've got a built-in random number generator!
(Quick, jack-up the price...)
6. The FDIV bug? That's nothing! Wait'll you see what happens
when you try to run Windows 95!
5. We were trying to outfox AMD by tricking them into making a
processor that works, thus rendering them incompatible!
4. Hey, buddy, we'd like to see YOU hook up 3.3 million transistors
right the first time!
3. Actually, the whole thing's a documentation error. The manual
mixed up the opcodes of FDIV with another instruction, FATRA -
Floating Point Almost The Right Answer.
2. That's the way it's supposed to work. It's part of our new
fuzzy logic support.
1. We don't care. We don't have to. We're INTEL!
==========================
Top Ten Excuses Why QT Emulation Didn't Find the Pentium FPU Bug
----------------------------------------------------------------
10) Intel couldn't afford to buy enough QT hardware in order to verify beyond
5 decimal places.
9) Actually did find the problem but didn't want to say anything because,
"We're shy."
8) Spent more time verifying QT hardware than Intel hardware.
7) Decided it was more important to verify all the obscure undocumented
opcodes that nobody knows about than it was to see if the math was
actually correct.
6) Figured if there were any problems with the chip could always fix it by
doing a slingshot around the sun and going back in time like in Star Trek.
5) Intel used a 486 PC to check the math on the Pentium emulator.
4) Money Intel spent for QT emulators actually went to buy hookers and
booze for Andy Grove.
3) Didn't do an exhaustive check of all the math functions. Got as far as
2 + 2 = 5 and figured that was good enough.
2) Pentium testing consisted mostly of playing tetris until a score of
100,000 was achieved.
1) There was an FPU in that thing?
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 94 3:20:01 EST
From: wynblatt@cs.sunysb.edu (Michael Wynblatt)
Subject: Maybe the theory was right...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Based on data recently returned from the Hubble space telescope, NASA
scientists were surprised to learn that the Universe is 4 to 8 billion years
younger than some of the stars in our own galaxy!
At least, according to calculations made on their Pentium computers.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 10:15:00 -0800 (PST)
From: Pete Apple <petebob@sequent.com>
Subject: Merger Announcement...
To: jrs@staff.cc.purdue.edu (Jeff Schwab)
Working up here at Microsoft, I wouldn't mind this so much except for
the fact they took out all the vending machines and all we have to
choose from now are these dry cookie things and cheap box wine.
[This was in response to the article, included in the last Yucks (v 4,
#38), that Microsoft was merging with the Catholic Church. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 15:24:18 -0500
From: gwp (TRUTH - (Geoffrey Peters))
Subject: Microsoft bashing...
To: coast-students, spaf
You guys love to do it, so I thought I would forward this to you...
[Acknowledgement to Nancy Paule Melone (nmelone@oregon.Uoregon.edu),
Associate Professor of Management, Charles H. Lundquist School of
Business, University of Oregon, Eugene Oregon 97403-1208]
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle, etc.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many MIS guys (gals) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and
has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as
a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now,
exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five things wrong
. . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two holding the ladder and one to screw the light bulb into a
faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2.00 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object will inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class,
so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many burned out bulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as
it would have been for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many Apple Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates just redefined Darkness (TM) as the new industry
standard.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 94 19:30:04 EST
From: mbk@lyapunov.ucsd.edu (Matt Kennel)
Subject: Of Microsoft and Manholes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Legends have sprung up about the unusual questions that Microsoft's
recruiters sometimes seem ask during a job interview. One of them, in
particular, is ``Why are manhole covers round?'' People have chimed in with
quite a variety of logical reasons, such as the fact that round ones can't
fall in the hole or perhaps that round ones may be rolled so construction
crews may schlep them from place to place---certainly a good reason
considering their weight.
Perhaps one of the best answers, considering Microsoft's line of business,
is of course, "because manholes are round."
Now given this I was surprised to hear on the net from a now unidentifiable
source that near Microsoft headquarters, the actual manhole covers in their
streets are square!
This rather baffled me, until I saw the light. For the net's humble
amusement may I present....
Top 10 Reasons Why Microsoft's Manhole Covers are Square:
10) Shortened beta test cycle.
9) City got a special deal for bundling square manhole covers
with their manholes despite the presence of superior alternatives.
8) Microsoft Street For Windows crashes on circles. Tech support says
Chicago has them working, denies copying Apple/Cupertino's round covers.
7) Construction company had to sign non-competition agreement barring
street developers from any contact with Euclid.
6) DR-DOS found compatible with round ones.
5) They make $49 dollars on each upgrade:
Manhole Cover 1.0: the original.
Manhole Cover 1.1: turned 90 degrees.
Manhole 1.2: turned 180 degrees.
Manhole 2.0 New Technology: flipped upside down.
4) Perfect game piece for acting out those wacky
Human Minesweeper tournaments.
3) Ziff-Davis publishing pushing new mag ``Square Manhole World''.
2) To prepare for Windows Everywhere: Windows For Manhole Covers.
1) Every single circle reminds The Bill of "O"-S-2.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 08:17:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Peeved that their bonuses will be slashed to 8 percent this year...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Timothy Reed <treed@bmt.gun.com>
NEW YORK (AP) -- David Letterman would be proud.
Peeved that their bonuses will be slashed to 8 percent this
year, Goldman, Sachs & Co. employees on Tuesday circulated a list
of ``Top 10 Good Things About Goldman's 1994 Bonus.''
The dig may seem overdone to non Wall Streeters used to getting
far less. But it comes one day after the fabled investment bank
told most of its 9,200 people that bonuses would be axed from the
30 percent distributed in last year's financial market boom. The
boom ended early this year.
A Goldman spokesman didn't return a phone call seeking comment.
Letterman, whose ``Top 10'' lists have become the TV comic's
trademark, wasn't available for comment.
The Goldman Bonus Top 10, as written by an unidentified company
employee and circulated at the firm's headquarters and London
office. A copy was obtained by The Associated Press:
10. Don't have to make difficult investment decisions
9. Won't be supporting as much wasteful Government spending
8. Get to learn all about interesting bankruptcy laws
7. Helps to dispel myths about overpaid Wall Street employees
6. The warm feeling of having donated your time to a non-profit
organization
5. Eating less is good for your health
4. Balancing your checkbook is easier with smaller numbers
3. Won't feel too bad about having to change jobs
2. Republicans will control the House and Senate. (OK, it's not
really related, but I had to put something good in here.)
1. Won't have as much lying to do to the IRS.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 22:54:03 -0500 (EST)
From: "Marc G. Frank" <mgfrank@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Subject: Pleased to meet you, Mister, er.
To: various
While glancing through L. C. Curran's *Identification of Latin Poets by
Sound* (Syllecta Classica 2 (1990) 59-81), my eye was drawn to note 15:
"For help with statistical matters, I am grateful to Professor P. Enis,
Statistics Department, SUNY at Buffalo, and Professor E. A. Sungur,
Department of Statistics and Actuarial Science, University of Iowa."
The SUNY/Buffalo on-line directory shows that, indeed, there is a
Professor Enis and his first name is--you guessed it--"Peter."
Aren't you glad his parents aren't your parents?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 1994 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited
everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous
feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
- Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 1994 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"In a proper society, we'd be able to torture him."
-- late night radio caller on CKNW on why he's disgusted that the RCMP
(Royal Canadian Mounted Police) paid murderer Clifford Olsen to get
information about where he buried the bodies of his victims.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 94 19:30:04 EST
From: dave@angmar.llnl.gov (Dave Fuess)
Subject: Red, Raw Meat!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.
> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM
> To: Jim
> From: Jodi
> If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me
> know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices
> are:
>
> --Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
> rice pilaf
> --Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked
> potato
> --Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
> with rice pilaf
> OR
> --Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
> light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
> fresh brocolli
>
> Thanks! Jodi
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what
to order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them
to lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I
don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken
Fresco". In fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to
see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and
potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want
Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to
think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and
making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it
served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so
soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a
meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone
to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want
some of us to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've
passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several
people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a
disciplinary memo sent down from the director's office in the wake
of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the
Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media
coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before
and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want
Sharon to change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I
can't have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 22:07:16 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@rru.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Rockin the Net
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
In response to all the netrock events like
Aerosmith vs Clipper...
==================================================
Roadkills-R-Us, in conjunction with Frankenstein
Laboratories, Manuel Noriega Pharmaceuticals Inc
and Coca-cola, presents the biggest ``Rock Stars
on The Internet'' event of the century!
Exclusive Online Interviews With
Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin!
Brought out of "early retirement", Jimi and Janis
will be available to consult on a number of cool
issues, such as:
Do the dead like the Dead?
Do you ever spin in your grave?
Was that last trip a big rush?
How does it feel when the worms
crawl in and out your snout?
Just how hot is it, really, down there?
Is AOL really the provider from Hell?
Or whatever you can think up!
Details will be posted as soon as we get a few
rather revolting details worked out.
Watch http://www.pencom.com/rru/ for the scoop!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Dec 94 16:39:00 -0700
From: someone
Subject: which major?
To: spaf
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
> cost?"
>
> The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
> with that?"
The graduate with a Math degree asks, "Can I prove that it works?"
The graduate with a Politics degree says, "We will tell everybody that
it works."
The graduate with a Law degree asks, "Are we liable if it doesn't
work?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 18:14:14 -0800
From: Bradford.Wetmore@EBay.Sun.COM (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #38
To: spaf
> Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
> ------------------------------------------
>
> There once was a young person
I'M OFFENDED!!! HOW DARE YOU USE YOU A GENDER SPECIFIC WORD SUCH AS
perSON IN A CHILDREN'S STORY. BECAUSE OF THIS REFERENCE, A WHOLE NEW
^^^
GENERATION OF WOMAN-BEATERS WILL ARISE.
Please change all such references to "per-being" or use the more appropriate
word "entity."
> named Little Red Riding Hood
AND NOW YOU ARE OFFENDING PEOPLE OF SMALLER STATURE...I MUST CALL
FOR A RECALL OF YOUR BOOK, AS JUST THE FIRST SENTENCE HAS OFFENDED ME
TWICE.
Please consider writing for Hustler or some other trashy publication.
YOU HAVE NO PLACE WRITING FOR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------