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Yucks Digest V4 #36 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 22 Nov 94 Volume 4 : Issue 36
Today's Topics:
a code-word everyone should know...
A how-to section: perform the surgery yourself
And there you have it.
AOL's cutting edge customer service
Bokays $3.99 -- Explained
C++ beautifier.
california comic book fine
Editorial Cartoons I Expect To See Soon
Engineers Terminology
Free stuff on 127.0.0.1 !!!! (Yucks V4 #33)
from this semester's MIT Lecture Series Committee movie schedule
FW: FATAL ACCIDENTS: THE BRIGHT SIDE (yucks material?)
Gotta love those statistics...
great 1 liners
heavy breathing, bureaucrat style...
humor (and racism?) on page 587
Intel inside, use at your own Risc
Interview with a comedy writer
JOTD
more homework questions
Musical non-moments
Ode to a welfleet router
Only if you own any bloodroot, or have seen `The Amityville Horror'
Pentium bug found to be the cause of the Hindenberg disaster
Politics in a nutshell
QOTD (3 msgs)
ShopTalk for Tue, Nov 22, 1994
Soul Puller
Spell Checker Goes Beserk! Editorial Maimed!
Ten Ways to Rule the World Through Cyberspace
Ummm, I'll just have the Gulyas, please...
Union, S.C.
Your attempted forgery
Yucks: New Nuclear Storage Facilities
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 13:15:55 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: a code-word everyone should know...
To: SPAF
As part of my job, I visit a lot of different hardware manufacturers
and integrators. Generally, I work in a lab area with shared phones.
Most of the people I'm working with, are, of course, employees that
have desks, but they spend much of their time in the lab. Because
of this, the companies frequently have receptionists who take calls
and page the lab areas to alert the recipient, rather than putting
the callers through to voice mail. In one large company (that shall
remain nameless), I occassionally heard pages along the lines of: "John
Q. Testmanager, call on line 7, ay-aych." After a week or so, I
asked my technical contact there, "So, who or what is this 'ay-aych'?"
He laughed and said,"Well, the receptionist has a pretty good ear for
troublemakers, so, when a call comes in from one, she likes to warn
the recipient, so if he or she wants, he can dodge the call. A.H.,"
he continued, "stands for 'asshole'."
Now _that's_ an efficient and helpful receptionist...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 10:46:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A how-to section: perform the surgery yourself
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[Caveat emptor.]
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.Berkeley.EDU (J. Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Alix Herrmann Scheurer <ascheur@ipnhp1.unil.ch>
BARBIE LIBERATION ORGANIZATION REVEALED!
Last Christmas, a group calling itself The Barbie Liberation
Organization switched the voices of talking Barbie and GI Joe dolls across
the country. They placed the altered toys back on store shelves. When kids
opened their Christmas presents, they had an unusual surprise: Barbies
yelled "Vengeance is Mine!" while GI Joe asked "Wanna go shopping?" The
event was covered by hundreds of news media sources world wide.
THE TELL-ALL VIDEOTAPE!
The Barbie Liberation Organization is now offering copies of their
official videotape. The tape includes:
% A how-to section: perform the surgery yourself
% the original BLO press release, as seen on hundreds of TV broadcasts
% behind the scenes look at the BLO
% actual footage of "shopgiving"
% media coverage from the event, including kids' reactions & responses
% and of course much more-
This tape is not available in any stores. It is an educational aid, a
historical document, a guide to subversive culture jamming, an entertainment,
a work of art, a curiosity. Impress your friends, vex your enemies.
30 minutes, VHS.
The BLO requests $20 per tape plus $5.00 shipping and handling.
If you want to save our time and your money, send a self addressed envelope
with $2.38 postage on it (it must be large enough for a Videotape in a
plastic case.) Since the BLO does not have a bank account, please make out
all checks to IGOR VAMOS. (I am the coordinator of the BLO.) We will pay
the sales tax. All proceeds pay production costs and support the BLO.
Send checks to: Igor Vamos, Dept. of Visual Arts, UCSD, La Jolla, CA
92093-0327
You will receive your tape within 2-3 weeks. Order now as for Christmas.
questions? igor@ucsd.edu
SPECIAL OFFER: BUY THREE TAPES OR MORE, WE PAY THE POSTAGE
[Sounds like a great Christmas gift. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 10:16:19 -0800
From: "Gary D. Ross" <gdr@hooked.net>
Subject: And there you have it.
To: spaf
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 94 22:00:14 PST
From: sbs@frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: And there you have it.
> Subject: seen in a signature
>
> > If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport....
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 1994 18:02:29 GMT
From: David Thomas <dthomas@basis.com>
Subject: AOL's cutting edge customer service
To: spaf
" [...] Maybe you should telephone the Internet and talk to their
tech support people."
One of our sales people suggested we might have a customer speak with
"The Folks at Elm" about their mailer.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 12:35:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bokays $3.99 -- Explained
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
There was a /dev/null article some time ago:
> English Language Needs Spellcheck
> -- by Jill Severn [October 14, 1994, Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
>
> Nothing - not even spinach stuck in your front teeth -
> is quite as embarrassing as having parents. If you don't
> believe it, ask my son.
>
> About a year ago, he and I were in the checkout line at
> a Safeway store when I noticed that a sign on a display
> of fresh flowers said "Bokays, $3.99." When we got up to
> the checkstand, I handed the sign to the clerk and suggested
> that she would want to have someone correct the misspelling.
> "Oh no," she said, "That's the way they're spelling it now."
> "Who is spelling it this way?" I demanded to know.
> "Well the floral industry just decided to change it."
> she said.
>
> ...
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: dss@rad.com (Daniel Steinberg)
Subject: Re: Bokays $3.99
> a sign on a display of fresh flowers said "Bokays, $3.99."...
> I have seen signs for "bokays" cropping up like dandelions in
> the last year.
That's because Bokays are actually a type of flower that was recently
hybridized by a Florida horticulturist. They are a cross between
carnations and dandelions. They were part of a hybridization experiment
in which various flowers were cross-pollinated with dandelions in order
to increase their proliferation. The A group was roses, the B group
carnations, the C group chrysanthemums, etc. The B group was the first
success. In the experimenter's notebook was the notation:
A fail
B okay
Hence, the name of the flower (Dandynation sounded too dopey, and
Carnelion was already trademarked by the gemstone industry). The other
notable success was a cross using gladiolas, but the funeral industry
balked at spreading Dandyglads all around their caskets.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 17:47:42 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: C++ beautifier.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
I noticed that someone posted a "C++ Beautifier" to alt.sources and
thought I could do a much better job in much less code. I even sought
to do it entirely in the shell. Here's what I've come up with:
------
#!/bin/sh
cat $1 > $1
------
It seems to be extremely portable and produces quite compact output. It
works on 'perl' files too.
BUGS: It could use more error checking. Specifically it needs to ensure
that the target file really *is* a 'C++/perl' file. It does really horrible
things to non-'C++/perl' files.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 94 08:30:48 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
Subject: california comic book fine
To: Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com, jmunson@symantec.com
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 94 09:33:20 EST
From: SDT Advanced Development Manager DTN 381-2084 22-Nov-1994 0934 -0500 <ellenberger@tle.enet.dec.com>
To: julia@tle.enet.dec.com, lisa@tle.enet.dec.com
> It's not just a good idea...
>
> jonb@ingres.com (Jon Berger)
> Mon, 21 Nov 94 19:30:03 EST
> Posted to: rec.humor.funny
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I ran across the following while browsing through the California Codes on
> the World Wide Web (at URL http://www.law.indiana.edu/codes/ca/codes.html,
> for anyone who's interested). As far as I know, it's a real, actual,
> enforceable law. I _swear_ I'm not making this up.
>
> pax version 1.2
> CALIFORNIA CODES
> BUSINESS AND PROFESSIONS CODE
> SECTION 16603
>
> 16603. Every person who, as a condition to a sale or consignment of
> any magazine, book, or other publication requires that the purchaser
> or consignee purchase or receive for sale any horror comic book, is
> guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by imprisonment in the county
> jail not exceeding six months, or by fine not exceeding one thousand
> dollars ($1,000), or by both.
> This section is not intended to prohibit an agreement requiring a
> person to purchase or accept on consignment a minimum number of copies
> of a single edition or issue of a magazine or of a particular book or
> other particular publication.
> As used in this section "person" includes a corporation,
> partnership, or other association.
> As used in this section "horror comic book" means any book or
> booklet in which an account of the commission or attempted commission
> of the crime of arson, assault with caustic chemicals, assault
> with a deadly weapon, burglary, kidnapping, mayhem, murder, rape,
> robbery, theft, or voluntary manslaughter is set forth by means of
> a series of five or more drawings or photographs in sequence, which
> are accompanied by either narrative writing or words represented as
> spoken by a pictured character, whether such narrative words appear in
> balloons, captions or on or immediately adjacent to the photograph or
> drawing.
>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 19:39:47 -0500
From: "John F. Woods" <jfw@jfwhome.funhouse.com>
Subject: Editorial Cartoons I Expect To See Soon
To: eniac
"How the Gingrich Stole Christmas"
And one with Dole saying "Are there no workhouses?"
(Or has he already said that?)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 1994 19:24:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Engineers Terminology
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Scott Stevens (AUS)" <ScottS@wayne.com>
MEMORANDUM
TO: All employees
FROM: The Management
It has been brought to our attention that some of the language used in our
organization is offensive to several of our fellow employees. We cannot let
this situation continue.
However, management realizes that it is important that all employees should
be able to express views clearly without misunderstanding, so comparative
phrases should be used instead.
It is important that all should memorize the new phrases, so an exchange of
ideas can continue in the workplace.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way.-------------------------- I'm not certain that's feasible.
You gotta be shitting me.---------------- Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck.----------- Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a shit.----------------- Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem.------------- I wasn't involved in the project.
Fuck it. It won't work.----------------- I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?-- I'll try to schedule that.
Who the fuck cares?---------------------- Are you sure there's a problem?
Fuck you.-------------------------------- How nice.
Eat shit.-------------------------------- You don't say.
Eat shit and die.------------------------ Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker.----------- Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want with my life?. They won't be happy with it.
Fuck it. I'm on salary.----------------- I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass.-------------------- I don't think you understand.
This job sucks.-------------------------- I love a challenge.
Who the fuck died and made you the boss?- You'd like me to take care of this?
Another fucking meeting.----------------- Yes. I think we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit.-------------- I don't foresee any problems.
He's a fucking idiot.-------------------- He needs some training.
Kiss my ass.----------------------------- You'd like my help?
What the fuck?--------------------------- Interesting behavior.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 22:02:35 -0500
From: Christopher Davis <ckd@loiosh.kei.com>
Subject: Free stuff on 127.0.0.1 !!!! (Yucks V4 #33)
To: spaf
The formerly top-secret 127.0.0.1 site has been turned into an important
IRC FTP and WWW site, including the source code of the infamous WARUNGBOT.
See http://langnese.nvg.unit.no:19/irc/warungbot.html for more details.
[This won't work on Mac or Windows WWW browsers, though, due to remnants of
the Federal Internet Security Tracking system still enabled at that site.]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 94 17:20:33 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
Subject: from this semester's MIT Lecture Series Committee movie schedule
To: spaf, jmunson@symantec.com
...
Dir. John Ford. Starring John Wayne and Claire Trevor. USA (UA), 1939, 99
min, 16mm B&W.
TBA: The Search for Deanna's Skimpy Uniform
Admiral Quinn is en route to the Enterprise for a "Routine Inspection",
and every male officer knows that Counselor Troi's new high-cut uniform
won't pass. Yellow alert! A shipwide search for her low-cut uniform
begins. After thorough visual analysis by LaForge, Wesley comes forward
and admits that he has taken the skimpy uniform. Can Wesley take the
punishment Deanna has to offer?
Rated ?; 185 min.
TBA: Die Hard 8---Die Much Harder than Last Time
Bruce Willis returns as John McClane, an MIT CP who visits the Pentagon.
When terrorists take over the Pentagon, they easily disarm all military
guards, leaving only McClane to fight the terrorists, who naturally are
holding his wife. Never seen a thousand professional mercenaries defeated
by a CP in a Santa suit? Now's your chance! Joe Leydon of the Houston Post
calls it "Speed in a Building."
Rated PG; 10 min.
TBA: Ali Baba and the Seven Dwarves
Come see Disney's th full-length animated hit! Cutting-edge computer
technology and classic Disney animation are once again merged in this
creative adaptation of the timeless Fairy Tale. With an inspired all-star
vocal ensemble and incredible new songs by the visionary team of
award-winning lyricist () and legendary composer (), this stylish,
ambitious and magical film provides a delightfully entertaining experience
for moviegoers of all ages!
Rated G; 70 min.
Clear and Present Danger
Harrison Ford returns as Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan, this time as the acting
...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 94 15:33:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: FW: FATAL ACCIDENTS: THE BRIGHT SIDE (yucks material?)
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
<Forwards playing with sharp pointy things>
from Readings: Harpers Magazine Nov 1994
FATAL ACCIDENTS: THE BRIGHT SIDE
The following letter to the editor was originally published in the
Arizona Republic. Author lives in Phoenix.
Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We
have so many laws and safety commisions to ensure our safety that it
seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we
need accidents, and lots of them.
Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety,
stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our
species becomes progressively more intelligent (or at least less stupid).
With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into
half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead,
are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even
more imbeciles.
Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking.
Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick
something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity
and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 12:12:15 -0500
From: Jeff Schwab <jrs@staff.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: Gotta love those statistics...
To: bob
From today's J&C.... [Lafayette Journal & Courier]
> The fourth largest country in Europe, Sweden covers 174,000 square
> miles wedged between Norway and Findland. It is home to more than
> 8.6 million people, most of whom are Swedes ...
Gosh, Swedes in Sweden? What are the odds?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 13:47:49 -0500
From: aslam (Taimur Aslam)
Subject: great 1 liners
To: coast-guys
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 19:33:04 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: heavy breathing, bureaucrat style...
To: SPAF
>From the Sioux City Journal, 11/11/94, w/o permission:
IRS Finds No Humor in Sex Line Mix-Up
Norfolk, Neb. (AP) -- Taxpayers looking for some hot tax tips will probably
get more than they bargained for when dialing the Internal Revenue Service's
help line in a Nebraska phone book.
Instead of tax forms and advice, callers who dial the 1-800 number listed
in the US WEST phone directory distributed in the communities of Emerson
and Pender get a steamy solicitation for an "erotic phone sex line."
The numerical mistake has the IRS seeing red.
The federal tax agency first became aware of the problem about a week
ago, said Diana Christiansen, a spokeswoman [sic] for the agency.
She said the telephone company has been notified.
Christiansen doesn't think the mistake is funny.
She says it could especially harmful if a frustrated taxpayer attempts to
get help and gets propositioned instead.
The more I think about this, the funnier I find it. After all, it _is_ a
very appropriate mistake, since I always feel like I've participated in a
sex act myself right after I do my taxes, except that in the typical case
it's non-consensual and involves a distinctly _non-erogenous_ portion of
my body. Imagine, finding tax time orgasmic...
Rex
P.S. If any yucksters out there know this Diana Christiansen, tell her
to lighten up.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Nov 1994 05:09:36 GMT
From: David Thomas <dthomas@basis.com>
Subject: humor (and racism?) on page 587
To: spaf
Page 587 of the October, 1994 Computer Shopper may be the funniest
page in that magazine. [Some of these humorous tyops may have been
carried forth into more current issues.. I haven't checked yet.]
The various ads for CD ROM titles invite you to purchase, among other
silliness:
Leisure Suite Larry
Utilities Plantium
Font's Plantinum
Family Pharmisist
Our Solar Systems
and my favorite...
Mavis Beacoon Teaches Typing [try pronouncing this one!]
There's more fun on that page, but I leave it as an exercise for the
bored reader -- perhaps some of these folks that spaf accuses of
having way too much time on their hands.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 20 Nov 1994 15:46:59 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Intel inside, use at your own Risc
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded by: olaf@mp.canuck.com (Olaf Schroeder)
In light of Intel's floating point divide bug in the Pentium, the
stickers should now read: Intel inside, use at your own risc.
["Intel Inside: As accurate as the operating system you're
likely to run on it."
For those who have missed it, the Intel Pentium chip was shipped with
a significant bug in the floating point code. They have evidentally
been using the same testing techniques as Microsoft. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 09:34:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Interview with a comedy writer
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
Not our type: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the movie
"Interview With The Vampire": Hundreds of IRS agents
picketed the opening , charging the cast with defamation
of character...After seeing the film one local film critic
gave Tom Cruise a B-positive and christian Slater an O."
Among the questions author Anne Rice should have asked the
vampire, according to John Boston in Son of Escape
entertainment guide:
* "Would listening to the Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun"
affect you adversely?
* Have you ever held office in California's 25th
Congressional District?
* Do you have a dog? What is his name? Can it go
outside during the day?
* We know you're scared of crucifixes. What about the
Star of David?
* Can you beat up Batman?
* How come vampires have greasy hair? Don't you guys
ever use cream rinse?
* If you sleep all day in a coffin, what happens when
you have to get up in the middle of the afternoon to
go to the bathroom?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 09:35:40 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
Election withdrawal: "Do you think a lot is going to
change with the Republicans replacing Democrats? It's
like one crash-test dummy letting the other one drive." --
Jay Leno
"Haitian president Aristide is sending troops to help
restore President Clinton to power." -- Leno
"Clinton plans to move to the right. That's a good idea.
From there he'll have a better view of Dole and Gingrich
running the country." -- Michael Conner
"Charles Robb will return to the Senate. he's interested
in the Minority Whip position, and wonders if it comes
with handcuffs, too."
Because of the recent Republican landslide, Clinton may
replace his once-favorite song "Don't Stop." which beckons
listeners to think about tomorrow, to "Yesterday," says
L.A. Times reader Gary Easley. And Bob Mills says:
"Aides of Sen. Alfonse D'Amato were barely able to talk
Sonny Bono out of replacing the national anthem with `I
Got You Babe.'"
The beat goes on with Bono's win. Its real message, said
comic Argus Hamilton, is that "voters are so angry they're
willing to try a republican who inhaled."
Jay Leno, on Sydney Biddle Barrows' new job as `expert'
commentator for the Heidi Fleiss trail for "America's
Talking" cable channel: Instead of hiring a legal expert,
they got a woman who made her name as a madam. "They
figured it's a few bucks cheaper, and she essentially does
the same thing."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 94 13:15:32 EST
From: kclark@koan.ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: more homework questions
To: spaf
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++
Subject: Program
Date: 7 Nov 1994 05:09:49 GMT
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa (USA)
I am having some problems with my program. I am stuck on arrays. We have an
array of 100 records and need to have it stop at record 100. I am not sure
if I am doing the right thing.
Thanks
--
[I wish that newsreaders were more user-unfriendly! -kevin]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Nov 1994 13:05:41 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Musical non-moments
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.Berkeley.EDU (J. Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
A gloss for those who have not heard it (or not NOT heard it),
Cage's 4'33" is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, NOT played
or NOT sung by any musicians desired. (I'm actually guessing
about this last part.) Enjoy...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The recent (from a medievalist's perspective) thread about early reviews
of John Cage's _4'33"_ brought to mind a story told to me by my fellow
UCSB grad student Jeremy Smith, who teaches the local music appreciation
class (average enrollment 450/quarter--yikes!). As this course has passed
from ABD to ABD, it has become traditional to include _4'33"_ in the
syllabus as a special piece "not on the listening tapes," but only
performed in lecture. On this occasion the performer was Jeremy himself
(past performances had included singer with piano accompanist, string
quartet, and guitar solo). He sat down at the piano, lifted the keyboard
lid, and sat in stillness through the three movements.
During his subsequent office hour he was visited by two of his
regulars, jock-surfers of the type wonderfully common in Santa Barbara
who were fiercely dog-paddling to maintain their B-minuses. The first said
sympathetically [read with however good a Southern California male surfer
accent you can muster--there *is* gender differentiation in SoCal dialect
and pronunciation, you know, so Valley Girl won't work], "Whoa, dude,
sorry about what happened today in class."
Jeremy was mystified.
"You know, when you spaced on that Cage piece you were gonna play.
I'm really sorry."
At this the other was roused to say, "Dude! Is *that* what happened?
I thought *I* spaced!"
Don't get me wrong: I love Southern California and its people--still, it's
a pretty good story.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 10:05:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ode to a welfleet router
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: stripes@uunet.uu.net (Josh Osborne)
From: Regis <regis@ftp.com>
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 20:33:59 -0500
[i wrote this at 0700 a week and a half ago after i had been up all
night trying to un-fuck one of my welfleet routers. --r]
(with apologies to dr seuss)
i do not like my welfleet box
i think i'll weigh it down with rocks
and then i'll pitch it off the docks
i do not like my welfleet box
i do not like it worth a damn
i do not like it sam i am
i do not want it you can bet
i do not want it on my net
i'd like to throw it to the ground
upon the box i'd like to pound
i'd rather eat old curried spam
i do not like it sam i am
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 09:30:07 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Only if you own any bloodroot, or have seen `The Amityville Horror'
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: mliu@sun1.math.upei.ca (Mengchi Liu)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.misc
Subject: Screen Shaking with a low explosive sound, problem?
Hi,
I have a 20 inch color monitor for a SPARC. The screen shakes
once about every 5 minutes with a low explosive sound. Is that
a problem?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 17:42:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pentium bug found to be the cause of the Hindenberg disaster
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
From: xrjhs@farside.gsfc.nasa.gov (Jim Scott)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.chips,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.systems,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc,comp.sys.intel
Subject: Re: Intel Pentium Bug: Scary Business?
Date: 14 Nov 1994 14:58:03 GMT
In article <1994Nov14.055010.77611@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu>,
<tdsmith@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu> wrote:
>In article <1994Nov13.103948.589@guitar.demon.co.uk>, marcus@guitar.demon.co.uk (Marcus Bainbridge) writes:
>> Luc Bauwens wrote:
>>
>>> If I were using a Pentium to design potentially structures of devices
>>> which can potentially fail and threaten lives, I would definitely
>>> find myself in a position whereby I would feel obliged to *redo and
>>> check* all the work done on the faulty CPU.
>>
>> EXCLUSIVE: Hubble Telescope designed on a Pentium PC!
>
>Uh, no. Just so you know, HST was ready to go in '86 (kinda predates
>the Pentium, I would say), but we had that rather nasty shuttle accident.
>
>Troy Smith (who can hear it now, "Pentium bug found to be the cause of
>the Hindenberg disaster").
Actually, it's much worse than you think. From the Iridium levels
found doping the strata in Pentium(tm) chips, top paleo scientists
believe they finally have the definitive answer for the dinosaur
extinction question.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 09:23:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Politics in a nutshell
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: John.Pope@Eng.Sun.COM (John Pope)
From: Stacy Friedman <safriedm@fas.harvard.edu>
It all really just boils down to this:
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
| 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Nov 1994 10:00:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
Forwarded-by: Amy Baron
From: mosigbit@deeptht.armory.com
Hire me, I know C++.
Well, I knew it before the last committee meeting anyway.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Nov 1994 16:26:47 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jeff Minelli <minelli@math.psu.edu>
Forwarded-by: "K-JAMZ" <KPW104@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Brian Panulla <BJP108@psuvm.psu.edu>
It's hard to take an exam seriously when you have the lyrics to
"Sweet Transvestite" stuck in your brain.
-- Cathy Nelson
[Not to mention doing a jump to the left after every third
question... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Nov 1994 13:10:19 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: Dan Tenenbaum <bellcore!halcyon.com!dante>
From: Dean Ericksen <dean@homer.interserv.net>
Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy
in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
-- Matt Groening, "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 09:18:14 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk for Tue, Nov 22, 1994
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
Did you hear about the new Barbie doll... "Divorced
Barbie". It comes with all of Ken's things.
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that House Speaker-
to-be Gingrich discussed divorce with his ex-wife the day
after her cancer surgery, and her suing him for alimony
and insurance payments: "He's all for family values. Just
not necessarily HIS family.
"Interview With the Vampire" continues to do well at
theatres. Comedy writer Alan Ray describes it as "a story
of an ogre who turns his faithful into zombies and who
loves to go for the throat: `Hello, my name is Newt
Gingrich.'"
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the government charging Francisco
Duran with trying to assassinate the President: "At
first, officials thought he was just trying to shoot
reporters. There's a big difference. One charge is
attempted murder; the other is hunting without a license.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 17:03:30 -0600 (CST)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Soul Puller
To: spaf (spaf)
Would you believe I found this lying around my bedroom and typed
it in, just for Yucks? It needs it's 15 seconds of fame....
From: fis@evil.demon.co.uk (Dr G Faustus)
Newsgroups: alt.out-of-body
Subject: Soul Puller
Date: 30 Mar 93 18:36:43 GMT
Someone or something tried to pull the soul out of me via the back of my
head. Lots of people I know who are dead would wish to do this as I am
not popular with the deceased.
Can anyone suggest a way of pissing the dead off? What do I have to do? Do
I just tell them they are dead and I'm not over and over again or shall
I urinate in a special place.
I am serious, one of the spirits is out to get me and its not Vodka.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 1994 10:36:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spell Checker Goes Beserk! Editorial Maimed!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
From: bane@gst.gsfc.nasa.gov (Robert Bane)
Subject: Spell Checker Goes Beserk! Editorial Maimed!
The following sentence was taken from Richard Cohen's column on the
editorial page of Tuesday's Post:
"GOP national chairman Haley Barbour instantly announced that New York City
was no longer in the running for the Republican National Convention, and,
more ominous, Sen. Alfonse D'Amato, the state's leading Republican and
Pataki's Disk Operating System (DOS), said he would not seek revenge on
Giuliani."
The only explanation I can come up with (other than Sen. D'Amato really
being a copy of DOS) is that Cohen typed 'doss' instead of 'boss', and the
spelling checker not only corrected it to DOS, but spelled the acronym out
since it's the first appearance of it in a non-computer-related news story.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 11:12:03 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ten Ways to Rule the World Through Cyberspace
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <dwallach@CS.Princeton.EDU>
1. Killer Client
Create an amazing monolithic web client. Get everyone hooked
and then augment the standard until you've locked out your
competition.
2. Killer Standards
The HTTP standards are way too simple now! Any creative little
company can get in on the action. Start making those standards
FANTASTICALLY complex so just a few big companies can play. An
MIT consortium could accomplish this without even meaning to.
3. Killer Fonts
Start a trendy magazine with hard-to-read fonts. Take smart
drugs. Plan an on-line service of your own while labeling all
potential competitors "obsolete" or "tired".
4. Killer Shopping Mall
Start an on-line service for people to buy things. Keep an eye
on people's email to make sure everyone is shopping and NOT
complaining to each other about crumby products.
5. Killer Content
If you happen to own the rights to serious amounts of popular
Mass Culture (violent action movies, cute cartoon icons, etc),
try to leverage that into deals with technology companies.
6. Killer Set-Top Box
If you happen to own a telephone or TV cable company, just
design a set-top box so you can pump mindless drivel into
people's homes. Home Shopping and Top-10 Movies On Demand
would make you LOTS of money. Give the consumer enough
upstream bandwidth so they can press the "buy" button on their
remote, but not enough to actually get on-line and (god
forbid!) communicate with each other.
7. Killer Language
Invent a little language and call it a "scripting" language or
a "mark-up" language, so people will overlook the fact that its
syntax sucks or it has dynamic scoping. Try to insinuate it
into the HTTP or MIME standards.
8. Killer Buzzword
Pick some industrial graphics standard and rename it as something
sexy like "Cyber Space Modeling Language". Hope no one notices that
CAD graphics modeling languages have little or nothing to do with
interactive presence.
9. Killer Magna Carta
If you happen to be a collection of powerful communications
corporations who are afraid the national net will be opened up
as a common carrier, issue a manifesto in Wired Magazine
ranting about how the government should stay out of Cyberspace.
Talk about freedom and progress and hope no one notices that you
just want to pump Home Shopping and Video Games into the home.
10. Killer Government
If you happen to be the US government, then you ALREADY rule
the world! Just make sure you can eavesdrop on cyberspace and
crush anything that looks like it's getting too big.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 1994 19:18:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ummm, I'll just have the Gulyas, please...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ddt@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)
This just in from a friend in Budapest... his comments in []'s.
> Have fun Thanksgiving plans? We're doing the whole bit, except we're
> localizing it by substituting carp for turkey. We figure if we find a
> 15-20 pounder, we'll stuff it just the same, and, doused with enough
> palinka (plum brandy), no one will know the difference.
>
> Really, I just looked in the index of my finest gourmet Hungarian
> cookbook, by George Lang -- Hung-Amer restaurateur par excellence of NY's
> Four Season and Cafe des Artistes' fame -- and I find no less than nine
> succulent recipes for that magnificent aquatic beast, "the shark of the
> drainage ditch," our noble carp. Most tempting is "in fruit puree with
> saffron-honey." The guy is an excellent writer and has a good sense of
> humor, but he doesn't offer any special comments on the Great Carp Debate,
> other than opening his chapter on fish with the line: "Let's face it --
> fish cookery is not the richest part of the Hungarian kitchen."
>
> I'll say.
>
> The first carp recipe notes: "Carp should be alive when you buy it. Ask
> fishman to bone carp, remove its skin, and cut meat into 4- or 5-inch
> chunks. [It's not clear to me whether it's still supposed to be alive
> after this. Carp are hearty fish, after all.] Be sure he gives you the
> skin and bones. [Oh yeah, mmmmm, the best part. I swear I'm not making
> this up.] Also, make sure you purchase female carp with a lot of roe;
> purchase extra milt. [Oh yeah, I eat that milt in sandwiches if we have
> enough left over.] If you buy a male fish with milt, purchase extra roe.
> [Better safe than sorry.] DO NOT WASH THE INSIDE OF THE FISH [emphasis
> mine]; THE BLOOD MAKES THE DISH TASTY." There you have it. From one of the
> world's greatest chef's, the secret of what makes Hungarian food so
> "tasty" -- dirty carp innards.
dave
PS: For those ichthyologically-challenged among you:
Milt (n.)
1.a. Fish sperm, including the seminal fluid. b. The reproductive glands of
male fishes when filled with this fluid.
2. The spleen of certain vertebrate animals, such as cows or pigs.
(Yum.)
PPS: For the linguistically-challenged, Gulyas (pron, "GOO-yosh") is the
Magyar word for what we incorrectly call "Goulash".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 94 3:20:01 EST
From: gstump@shore.net (Glen Stump)
Subject: Union, S.C.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The people of South Carolina are trying to decide on a suitable punishment
for Susan Smith who drove her car into a river, left drowning victims
inside, and then lied to the entire nation about what she did.
In Massachusetts, it will get you a U.S. Senate seat.
------------------------------
Date: Sun Nov 20 17:10:30 EST 1994
From: The Annoyed Almighty <god>
Subject: Your attempted forgery
To: name changed to protect the guilty
The following log message has come to My attention:
lab6:/var/adm/messages:
Nov 19 20:01:08 lab6.cs.purdue.edu sendmail[10674]: UAA10674: SYSERR: Nested MAIL command: MAIL guilty
Nov 19 20:04:24 lab6.cs.purdue.edu sendmail[10684]: UAA10684: SYSERR: Nested MAIL command: MAIL from: god
I do not appreciate your attempt to forge mail in My name. From the
CS department policies (type `help policies inst-accounts'):
4. Forging mail from deities. Be careful. If you choose a benevolent
god, no one will care. If you anger a particularly powerful being
we may be asked to look the other way when your body is reduced to
a lump of smouldering flesh.
As a result of your transgressions, your account has been damned for
all eternity. Henceforth the "bless" operator in perl5 will not work
on your object references, and none of your work will be Saved.
--The Almighty
god@cs.purdue.edu
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 12:59:32 -0500
From: Chip Seymour <cseymour@mbunix.mitre.org>
Subject: Yucks: New Nuclear Storage Facilities
To: spaf
> the above mentioned cement mixer was stolen by the truck driver
> assigned to deliver the radioactive concrete to Hanford. He was caught
> - after he had used the mixer to pour a backyard patio at his house.
> [Good idea -- he doesn't need a bug zapper or patio lights. --spaf]
Just watch out for the highbeams on that mosquito!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Nov 1994 00:46:24 +0001 (EST)
From: "Craig O'Donnell" <dadadata@world.std.com>
To: El Yuck Supremo <spaf>
> Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?
>
> KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians
> aren't allowed to do it, according to some interpretations
> of a new state law.
>
> "I don't know what they were trying to say, but I know that
> what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether," said
> David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University
> of Missouri-Kansas City.
Spaf, this makes perfect sense if you recall that Missouri license plates
say:
"The Show-Me State".
I guess that's better than being the "Sooner" state.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------