[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V4 #37 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 4 Dec 94 Volume 4 : Issue 37
Today's Topics:
Holiday gifts
Listening to the Mews
[clip] humour
From comp.sys.intel
And the Pentium jokes keep on coming...
Auteur, or not auteur?
C++ beautifier.
Can't Ping Pong?
Caveat Emptor
cutie
Good To Know
I know it when I see it.
JOTD (2 msgs)
Misinformation Superhighway
Nearly Fiddle Favorites
November Election Results may be due to Computer Glitch
Off-Off-Broadway listings
Pentium, JOTD
Pentium bug fix!
QOTD
Speak for yourself.
Stove Top: accept no look-alikes!
that ringing sound in my ears...
The Pentium Bug and the Usenet Oracle
The Zeppo
We can only hope.
Well, *you* voted for 'em...
well, that's one way to come out...
What A Tool!
Why information hiding is a good idea
XMas list
Yodelling Makes Your Lederhosen Itch
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 04 Dec 1994 17:29:16 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Holiday gifts
To: Yucks
Every holiday season, I try to come up with some off-beat gifts for Yucks
readers. Enclosed is information on 3 sources of such items. If you have
some unusual items of your own, please mail me the info to pass on!
1) Your very own sculpted gargoyle. Call 1-800-525-0733 for a catalog
from Design Toscano. They claim to sell hundreds of thousands
of gargoyles a year from their 48-page catalog. Be the first on your
block!
2) Order some Habanero Pecan Brittle, some "Ass Kickin Peanuts,"
Saguaro Blossom Cookies, or Jalapeno Toffee. While you're at it,
order the 12 Angry Men collection of hot sauces (including Dave's
Insanity Sauce, Capital Punishment, Hellfire & Damnation, Mrs. Dog's
Dangerously Hot Pepper Sauce, and Apocalyptic Hot Sauce). Try Salsa
Express at 1-800-437-2572 for orders or a catalog. I can vouch for
these -- not for the timid, or the person who cannot handle hot foods.
The pecan brittle is especially useful for the candy jar on your desk
if you have moochers who take your candy without asking
permission. :-)
3) Need to get into the spirit of the season (sort of)? Then get a
copy of the "I'm Dreaming of A White Bronco" OJ Holiday album (tape).
Put together by Yucks reader Corey Deitz and his colleague Jay
Hamilton, this is pretty amusing. It contains several songs to the
tunes of classic Xmas songs, including "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen,"
"We Wish You a Speedy Trial," "It's a Wonderful Knife," "12 Days of
Hearings," amd more. The songs poke fun at the lawyers, judge, OJ,
and especially the media. Not all of them worked for me, but I got
quite a chuckle out of most of them. The cassette tape is $8.95 +
$1.50 S&H. Call 804-744-1552 from 10-5 M-F, or 804-227-3390. You can
also drop a line to Corey at deitz@richmond.infi.net
If I run across some more interesting ones, I'll let you all know! A
few are listed in other postings in this digest...
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Nov 1994 11:50:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Listening to the Mews
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Hot Lines, in The Boston Globe Magazine, 11/27/94.
Listening to the Mews
Why exclude any of your loved ones this holiday season? Let
your cats share in your Chanukah or Christmas celebration and
exercise their soprano voices, as well, with two new gift books.
_Hanukcats_ sets feline-oriented lyrics by Laurie Loughlin to
traditional melodies in a 48-page, whimsically illustrated
volume ($6.95, Chronicle books), just perfect for small paws.
Try "Have a Burrito" to the tune of "Hava Nagila" -- or "Kmart,
Kmart," a request for flea shampoo to the tune of "Kemeh,
Kemeh." For Christmas, Loughlin's other booklet, _Catmas
Carols_, has been packaged with an audiotape, complete with
instrumental backing ($12.95), making a perfect package to help
you and pussums sing along with "Collar Bells" and "Wreck the
Halls."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 08:41:30 -0500
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: [clip] humour
To: nobody@cs.utexas.edu
Subj: Just in time for gift giving
From: Brady Johnson** <bjohnson@halcyon.com>
DayDoubler is a new product from Connectrix that gives you those
extra hours in each day that we've been asking for. Using
sophisticated time mapping and compression techniques to double
the number of hours in the day, DayDoubler gives you access to 48
hours each day. With the shareware hack MaxDay, you can easily
stretch your day to 60, 72, or even 96 hours! Connectrix warns
that at the higher numbers DayDoubler becomes less stable and that
you run the risk of a temporal crash in which everything from the
beginning of time to the present would come crashing down around
you, sucking you into a black hole.
Should this occur, be sure to reboot with the shift key down.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 09:41:47 -0500
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: From comp.sys.intel
To: spaf
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: Warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
=========================================
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
[ If you haven't heard, Intel has finally admitted that there is a bug
in the floating point hardware for all Pentia produced prior to June
1994. What makes it interesting is that Intel has tried a coverup
worthy of Richard Nixon. They continued to ship the buggy chips
without notifying anyone until external sources offered concrete proof
of the bug. Even now, Intel is taking a combative attitude: if you
want your chip replaced, they do a phone interview with you to ask
what applications you run, and they decide whether you're worthy of a
new chip.
I'm sure the folks at AMD, Nexgen, and Cyrix are laughing all the way
to the bank. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 19:10:19 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And the Pentium jokes keep on coming...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: hbaker@netcom.com (Henry G. Baker)
In article <1994Dec1.170828.4271@nb.rockwell.com> huimm@nb.rockwell.com
(Michael M.Y. Hui) writes:
>
>The 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium:
>
> We give you the most megaflops.
========================
On the tee-shirt of an inlined skater in Mountain View: :-)
<Intel Inside logo>
"I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
========================
Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A: Repentium.
========================
Q: What does the element Pentium decay into?
A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.
========================
The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.
========================
Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying
up late at night trying to figure out what to do about
the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point.
========================
I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 1994 10:42:58 -0600 (CST)
From: mandrews@Chi.AHC.Ameritech.COM (Mike Andrews)
Subject: Auteur, or not auteur?
To: spaf
[ A little background: There has been some discussion in alt.movies.kubrick
comparing Stanley Kubrick, director of the films "Spartacus,"
"Dr. Strangelove," "2001: A Space Odyssey," and "Full Metal Jacket"
to Quentin Tarentino, the director of "Pulp Fiction." -ma ]
> From: mnh1062@ACFcluster.nyu.edu
> Newsgroups: alt.movies.kubrick
> Subject: Re: My next film
> Date: 23 Nov 1994 14:10:22 GMT
>
> In article <auteur-2111941349440001@ppp125.usc.edu>, auteur@aol.com (Quentin Tarentino) writes:
> >I plan on doing a film about a slave rebellon in Rome just after the death
> >of Crist. I'm thinking of John Travolta as the lead, his name is Sparky,
> >and the Roman Empirer could be Brad Pitt. Anyway, the dialog will be
> >reilly groovy.
> >
> >Q.T.
>
> Hehe, right, "Quent." We've all got to be skeptics on the net, and
> this post just proves that you can spell "Tarantino."
>
> Ibsen, NYU
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 17:47:42 -0500
From: bostic
Subject: C++ beautifier.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
I noticed that someone posted a "C++ Beautifier" to alt.sources and
thought I could do a much better job in much less code. I even sought
to do it entirely in the shell. Here's what I've come up with:
------
#!/bin/sh
cat $1 > $1
------
It seems to be extremely portable and produces quite compact output. It
works on 'perl' files too.
BUGS: It could use more error checking. Specifically it needs to ensure
that the target file really *is* a 'C++/perl' file. It does really horrible
things to non-'C++/perl' files.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 1994 11:13:34 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Can't Ping Pong?
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
John Cordell, an SA, said...
Event: Pong reboot
Date: Tue 29 Nov 1994 (today)
Time: 12:00 pm (noon)
Reason: Several processes including the automounter are in an unkown state
(technical designation: off in la-la land) and we are unable to
rectify the situation.
Interesting info: Pong thinks it has been running continuously for 9098
days. The probability of any machine in the world running continuously for
25 years, let alone pong, is quite... small. Especially considering pong
was still raw materials at that time.
[By any chance is Pong a Pentium-based system? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 1994 16:22:39 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Caveat Emptor
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Linda Branagan" <linda@z-code.com>
>From the back page classifieds in the SF Weekly:
I lost 15 pounds & 3 inches off my waist!
FREE SAMPLE! 1-800-549-3454
I wonder if the sample is pounds or inches...
------------------------------
Date: 2 Dec 94 04:31:58 EST (Fri)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
The short-sighted attitude toward investment in scientific or
cultural advancement seems to stem from a "Harvard Business
School" outlook. If one evaluates investments with a discount rate
of ten percent or more, anything that takes more than ten or
fifteen years to mature is worthless. (Yet, for some reason,
people keep on having children!)
Ever since discounting became popular for investment analysis in
the mid-1960's, our technological and cultural advancement has been
slowed. But it was not always thus. The great cathedrals of
Europe were constructed over generations. The U.S. interstate
highway program has taken about thirty years. One wonders how
long the pyramids of Egypt took, and what percent of the Egypt's
gross national product was consumed.
-- Gordon Woodcock, "To the Stars!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 1994 16:32:25 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good To Know
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: elf@halcyon.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Male sexuality is inherently manic-depressive. Androgen agitates.
Men are in a constant state of sexual anxiety, living on the pins and
needles of their hormones. In sex as in life they are driven *beyond* --
beyond the self, beyond the body. Even in the womb this rule applies.
Every fetus is female unless it is steeped in male hormone produced by a
signal from the developing fetus's gonads. Before birth, the male is
already exiled from the female, exiled from the center of life. They are
born knowing they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking
satisfaction, craving, never content. There is nothing in the anguished
*motion* of men for women to envy.
-- Camille Paglia
[How depressing a thought... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 1994 09:01:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I know it when I see it.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: Edupage 11/22/94
BLOOD AND GORE ("I CAN'T DEFINE IT, BUT I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT")
The new system developed by the Recreational Software Advisory Council to
rate computer-game software defines blood and gore as "depiction of a
great quantity of a sentient being's blood or what a reasonable person
would consider to be vital body fluids, or depiction of innards, organs,
and or dismembered body parts. The depiction of blood or vital body
fluids must be shown as flowing, spurting, flying, or collecting in large
amount of pools. To be classified as Blood and Gore, there must be more
than just simple dismemberment; the dismemberment must be accompanied by
tendons, veins, bones, muscles, etc." One of the examples: "A sentient
being is thrown in a tree chopper and is spewed out as hamburger."
(Harper's, Dec.'94 p.18)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 1994 09:21:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
Comic Argus Hamilton, Newt Gingrich addressing GOP
governors: "He called for military supremacy, no welfare
and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it
sounded a lot better in its original German."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 09:26:39 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the new Jesse
Helms doll, just out for Christmas: "Some say it is just
too lifelike: It pooh-poohs on everything."
Jay Leno, on Newt Gingrich's comment comparing homo-
sexuality and nearsightedness: "That... gives new
meaning to the eye exam at LensCrafters."
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Helms and Gingrich admitting
they were wrong but not apologizing for remarks made about
President Clinton: "Being a Republican in the 1990s means
never having to say you're sorry."
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the conflicting advice Clinton is
getting: "Some say he should move left and the others say
he should move right. Either way, there's probably a
moving van in his future."
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new study that says women
have 11% more brain cells than men: "One psychiatrist said
the higher cell count may account for a woman's propensity
to change her mind. Or, she added, maybe not."
o o o
Closing arguments were held Monday in the Heidi Fleiss
trial, and Alan Ray says the alleged Hollywood madam's
future is hard to predict: "Will she be handcuffed,
strip-searched and punished? Or will she go to jail?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 14:28:43 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Misinformation Superhighway
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: vance@netcom.com (Vance Gloster)
Subject: Misinformation Superhighway
This is from the LA Reader May 13, 1994 in an article about access
to the Internet.
Like many area Internet providers, Netcom runs on Unix,
a text-based operating system somewhat like DOS. Mac and
Windows types can opt for SLIP/PPP access, a graphical
interface that generally costs more."
[On the Information Superhighway, this guy is headed up the offramp
with his hi-breams on. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 1994 08:55:25 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Nearly Fiddle Favorites
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
[It all started with someone innocently asking "what are the best
songs from Bob Monroe and the Bluegrass Boys?" To which the
answers came back: Footprints In The Rain, Cyan Moon of Kentucky,
Dog Skinner Blues, Aunt Penn, and so on. Now it's becoming its
own art form... -psl]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: bangs@cc.utah.edu
Subject: Fiddle Favorites
> A friend of mine has recently taken up the fiddle and asked me
> for a list of the most popular standards. Here's what I've come
> up with thus far. Can you think of any others I may have missed?
Well, you might get her to practice on some of these:
Red Eyed Boy (aka Soldier With a Wooden Nutmeg, or Little Bugger Man)
Turkey In The Breadpan
Devil's REM
Arkansas Toothpick
Liberace
Big Sandy Koufax
Physically Challenged Creek
St. Anne's Artificial
Ragtime Cowboy Annie
Angeline the Fry Cook
Cotton Patch Tampon
Say Old Man Can You Play The Horses
Cattle In The Bedroom
Notsucha Goodin
Melanic Aristocracy
Bully of the Schoolground
Forkey Tongue
Leather Underwear
Paddy on the Turnstile
Lawyer Cheatham
Civilian's Joy
Shaving A Dead Honky
Give The Fiddler A Fifth
That One That Goes Like This: deedle deedle dee deedle dee dee deedle...
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Nov 1994 10:52:07 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: November Election Results may be due to Computer Glitch
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: bugs@warlock.win.net (Mark Hittinger)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.intel,rec.humor
Subject: November Election Results may be due to Computer Glitch :-)
Date: 22 Nov 1994 16:18:09 -0500
November Election results may be due to Intel Pentium bug :-)
An anonymous source in the Democratic Party has revealed that the sweeping
landslide victory of the Republicans in November may have been due to an
obscure bug in the Intel Pentium computer chip.
Upgrading the nationwide vote counting system to the latest technology was
one of Vice-President Al Gore's "Reinventing Government" initiatives. This
change was meant to reduce costs and streamline operations, however, the
computer glitch may have cost the Whitehouse dearly.
A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied the rumor that several thousand
Power-PC's had been purchased as part of a vote recount effort.
When questioned about the news Senator Bob Dole (r) commented that he believed
the Intel Pentium chip was far better than anyone had thought. A short
statement released by Newt Gingrich's office indicated that "the Democratic
party has always sought to divide America and that this discovery of an
FDIV bug in the Intel Chip was clear evidence of the moral decay of our
society."
At a Motorola Plant in Austin, Texas Ross Perot told an angry crowd that
according to his new calculations the deficit is actually 14 times larger than
the government has been telling us. He praised his staff for staying
up all night and performing the calculations by hand.
In late breaking news today legal briefs were filed in Chicago by former
senator Dan Rostenkowski's attorneys which claimed that the irregularities at
the House Bank and the House Post Office were actually due to Pentium chip
calculation errors. Sources in Attorney General Janet Reno's office reveal
a furious behind the scenes effort to reload the whitewater investigation
spreadsheets in order to double check the results.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Nov 1994 10:05:11 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Off-Off-Broadway listings
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mo@uunet.uu.net (Mike O'Dell)
Off-Off-Broadway listings....
WHO RULES THE INTERNET -- A drama by Gary Beck, set in the
near future, which images that women rule society with the
help of the Internet Communication System. Sidewalks of New
York Productions, 40 W. 27th St. (481-3077) Opens Fri., Dec.
2. Fri.-Sun. Closes Dec 18.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 22:55:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pentium, JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
(Actually, I think I can state with reasonable assurance that *not*
all Intel engineers are circumcised, as "female circumcision" is,
fortunately, not very common in the US - would that it were unheard
of *anywhere* in the world! - and a daughter of the guy who was my
dentist back in New Jersey is a chip designer there, or was so at
one point...)
From: gherbert@crl.com (George Herbert)
Subject: The Intel Way
Q: How can you tell Intel engineers are all circumcised?
A: None of them seem to mind a little bit missing off the end.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
Intel, where quality is job 0.9999987324
Phillip Burgess (pburgess@netcom.com)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 09:15:40 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pentium bug fix!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cgw@io.com (christopher williams)
From: Bob Manson <manson@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
How to Fix the Pentium FDIV Bug
[Note: I got this straight from someone that worships The Man. So I'm
assuming that it works. I haven't tried it yet myself (can't seem to
find a non-virgin chicken that ain't in a can anywhere handy) but I'm
sure it'll do something...]
Ingredients:
0.99371264 living non-virgin chicken, preferably dressed in white
1.99941231 39.9992718-watt light bulbs
0.99984133 Pentium processor with the floating point bug
0.99996724 MS-DOS 6.21 reference manual
11.9973114 copies of Windows/NT 3.5 on CD-ROM, uninstalled and
bought at full price direct from Microsoft
0.99999812 matches
The reason your Pentium processor isn't functioning correctly is
because Intel has strayed from the true path of our Lord and Savior.
The following procedure will demonstrate your total devotion to The
Man, and will permit your processor to function properly.
1) Open the copies of Windows/NT, and remove the CD-ROMs and manuals.
2) Chop off the head of the chicken, and smear its blood on top of the
Pentium processor.
2) Put the body of the chicken in one of the boxes, and set it in the
middle of the floor. Pile the rest of the boxes on top of the box with
the chicken in it.
3) Place the CD-ROMs in a rough circle around the boxes. Throw away the
manuals, nobody needs manuals for the world's most simple and bug-free OS.
4) Set the defective Pentium on top of the CD closest to Spokane with the
pins facing up, and place the chicken's head on the pins of the processor.
4) Remove all of your clothing, and place it on top of the boxes.
4) Read aloud and in reverse page 39 of the MS-DOS manual, using only one eye.
5) Light the boxes on fire with the match.
6) Dance around the fire 2.99941223 times with one foot always off the ground,
screaming "Drolym si Setag-Llib" as loud as possible. Do *NOT* step on the
processor while doing this.
7) After the fire department has put out the fire, immediately smash the
lightbulbs into your forehead.
8) Break the CD-ROMs so that they cannot be used for any unholy purposes.
This act will complete the repair.
9) Replace the procesor into your computer. It will now function as it was
intended to.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 12:49:45 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ShopTalk <ShopTalk@Gremlin.Clark.Net>
Consider this: We live in a country that has never made a
movie about Leonardo da Vinci and produced three about Joey
Buttafuoco.
-- Pete Hamill
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Nov 1994 15:28:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Speak for yourself.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
"Right now, we're all street people on the information highway;
we can't protect our privacy and information; we can't prove
who we are; we can't buy anything," said Nathan Myrhvold, senior
vice president of Advanced Technology at Microsoft.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 20:32:00 -0600 (CST)
From: mandrews@Chi.AHC.Ameritech.COM (Mike Andrews)
Subject: Stove Top: accept no look-alikes!
To: spaf
You may not have heard the radio ad that's being played this season:
"Stove Top. This season, don't be fooled by look-alikes!
Make sure that you get genuine Stove Top Stuffing in the familar
red and yellow box!"
Are they trying to tell me that I shouldn't have trusted MOM?
- That all these years my mom has spent all that time making a
cheap knock-off for the holidays?
If this advertising campaign is sucessful I can imagine what others
would claim:
"This season don't be fooled by imitations! Make sure that Mom
serves a genuine Swanson Turkey TV dinner!"
"Make sure that you serve genuine Betty Crocker Potato Buds!"
..."with genuine Franco-American gravy"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 1994 20:50:24 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: that ringing sound in my ears...
To: SPAF
During a recent test session, I kept hearing a strange ringing/whining
noise. It would start out of nowhere, continue for a few minutes (I
really mean _minutes_, not moments), then abruptly stop. At first I
thought that some other tester in the lab was making the noise as part
of testing a program--I mean to say, they were causing the program to
make it through deliberate error, rather than whining _at_ the computer
to try to make it fail. :-) However, listening more closely, I realized
it was coming from one of the computers I was testing. Since the speaker
was disconnected, I was perplexed. Then I recognized that the noise was
similar to the ringing sound made by a wine glass when some annonying
individual chooses to run a most finger around the edge, except that it
went for much longer. It turned out that the Fujitsu hard drive, having
been screwed in only on one side, leaving it free to find its harmonic
vibration, something like a technomechanical Tacoma Narrows in a computer.
By loosening the screws that held it in, I changed the harmonic frequency
of the drive case so that it no longer coincided with the drive speed,
and the noise stopped.
And no, this was not a Pentium system...
[Hmmm, is this why they call them whine glasses? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 10:43:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Pentium Bug and the Usenet Oracle
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
From: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.intel
Date: 26 Nov 1994 02:18:13 GMT
The following should be in the next Oracularities digest on
rec.humor.oracle (I'm a Priest of the Oracle & forwarded it), but since
that may not be out for a few days and since the reply depends on the
topicality of the FDIV bug, I thought I'd post it here. [N.B. for British
readers. I'm *sure* the Oracle knows a "Ben" is a mountain. Even though
he lives in Indiana he's omniscient, after all. He's just playing on
words.]
=====Attachment follows=======
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Magnificent Oracle, who bestrides the world like a colossus but isn't
> in the least bit overweight,
>
> I've often heard it said that faith can move mountains. Well I've been
> trying to move Ben Lawers to the middle of Hackney Marshes, but can't
> seem to build up enough faith, even though I've got to the point of
> being genuinely astonished when it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, you've noticed, have you? Here's what Intel faxed me on the subject:
}
} "Intel has detected a subtle flaw in the precision of the
} mountain-moving operation for the Faith processor. For rare
} cases (one in nine billion possible moves), the precision of
} the result is reduced.
}
} "This is not a problem. Intel's extensive testing has
} demostrated that the loss of precision is slight and extremely
} rare.
}
} "An average user could encounter incidents of reduced
} precision once in every 27,000 years of use. The user is much
} more likely to encounter issues with other subsystems, such as
} memory or prostrate problems.
}
} "Concerned users doing extensive mountain operations requiring
} extraordinary precision who desire further details can call
} Intel at 408-765-8914."
}
} The facts are as follows:
}
} 1) Instead of Hackney Marshes, Ben Lawers has been moved to
} Johore Bahru, where he's engaged in devouring a truckload
} of lichees and rambutans charged to your Visa card.
}
} 2) You cannot trust your faith to give correct results for any
} operation anymore.
}
} 3) Intel isn't going to replace your defective faith, because
} you are an average user.
}
} You owe the Oracle your participation in his class action suit.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 11:17:35 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Zeppo
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.research.att.com
>From a review by Walter Gratzer, in Nature, of 'The Dent
Dictionary of Measurement'.
... but oddly, the smallest is atto, as in attomole, and zetto does not
appear (although it is true that it is very small). I cannot remember
which physicist it was who suggested that zetto may have originated as
a misprint for zeppo, after the forgotten Marx brother, and that the
zettomole should therefore be followed by the chicomole, the harpomole
and the grouchomole. (As the last corresponds to less than one molecule,
it could also perhaps be termed the benveniste.)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 20:26:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: We can only hope.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: ber@morgan.com (Brian Redman)
Forwarded-by: rct@ubss.com
Data Source: Dow Jones
Keys: S.DJ N/MKT N/NDQ N/OTC N/STK R/NME R/US INTC
Thu., Dec. 1, 1994 @ 06:22 P.M.
(DOW JONES) =Small Stocks -5-: Intel Ends At 62 5/8, Not 61 3/16
=Small Stocks -5-: Intel Ends At 62 5/8, Not 61 3/16
Shares of Intel Corp. closed at 62 5/8 rather than 61 3/16, as shown on
Nasdaq workstations, a Nasdaq Stock Market spokeswoman said.
The discrepancy caused an error in the configuration of the Nasdaq 100
Index, which measures the largest non-financial issues. That barometer
finished at 398.59, rather than the 397.66 displayed on Nasdaq workstations.
The bellwether Nasdaq Composite Index was also affected, although details
weren't available immediately.
Nasdaq wasn't immediately able to say what caused the errors.
(END) DOW JONES NEWS 12-01-94
6:21 PM
There is some speculation that the problem was caused by a divide
error on the Pentium based Nasdaq workstations.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 94 19:30:05 EST
From: josh@cs.rutgers.edu (J Storrs Hall)
Subject: Well, *you* voted for 'em...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following is true; the whole story can be found on p. 101 of the
July Scientific American:
S.C. Johnson Corporation, maker of Raid, breeds 80,000 roaches a week to
test its products on. It maintains a number of different breeds, including
some pesticide-resistant ones. One of the most resistant is called HRDC.
These almost unkillable roaches are so named because they were collected
from the halls of the House of Representatives in the District of Columbia.
[We can only hope they are working on something to control the 2-legged
vermin from those same halls. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Nov 94 19:30:03 EST
From: caius@titan.ucs.umass.edu (MICHAEL A PHIPPS)
Subject: well, that's one way to come out...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I heard this story from a Unitarian minister, who swore up and
down that it was true. The young man in question is one of his
parishoners.
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms
with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan
was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the
kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he
was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean,
homosexual?"
"Well...yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:
"Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 1994 11:06:08 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: What A Tool!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: LeClub International <leclub@yucc.yorku.ca>
From: Thiru Arumugam <cs921013@ariel.cs.yorku.ca>
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually
found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of
a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes
slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it
is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of
the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have
ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What is it?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
than your very own............................... toothbrush.
[And I bet you were expecting another Pentium joke! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 94 12:50:25 CST
From: emcguire@conan.i2.com
Subject: Why information hiding is a good idea
To: spaf
[Submitted for the Yucks Digest.]
Overheard in a C++ software developer meeting:
New developer: "I'm really impressed with the quality of your class
hierarchy, except that some guy uses friends a lot, and I wonder
why."
Developer #2: "Yes, it can be a problem to have too many friends."
Developer #3: "Only if they have access to your privates."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 94 09:41:52 PST
From: spl@szechuan.UCSD.EDU (Steve Lamont)
Subject: XMas list
To: yucks
Is your pooch pining for Perrier? Is your cat craving Calistoga?
Well, now Fido and Felix can have their own bottled water from The
Original Pet Drink Co., Inc., Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33304. Advertised as
a "healthy, appealing liquid replacement for tap water," Thirsty Dog!
comes in "Crispy Beef Flavor" and Thirsty Cat! is available in "Tangy
Fish Flavor," both with "gentle carbonation [giving] an extra bit
of sizzle that lifts their aromas to your pet's sensitive nose."
The manufacturer does not explain how one makes "Crispy" water.
Presumably a secret process.
Coming next: "Guppy Flavor" for your goldfish.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 22:48:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yodelling Makes Your Lederhosen Itch
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: Terry King <KINGT%SNYNEWVM.bitnet@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>
From: Immoral Tales: Sex and Horror Cinema in Europe 1956-1984 / Cathal
Tohill & Pete Tombs. London: Primitive Press, 1994. P. 45.
Many directors ... came to specialise in these films, working
endless variations on the Lederhosen/Air-hostess/Ski-instructor
models that were the staples of the genre. The probable nadir
was reached by a trio of "Yodelling and Sex" films that came
out during 1974. "Yodelling in Your Underpants," "Yodelling
Makes Your Lederhosen Itch," and "Yodelling is no Sin" were the
titles.
[Why are these not stocked at Blockbuster Video? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------