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Yucks Digest V4 #35 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 14 Nov 94 Volume 4 : Issue 35
Today's Topics:
administrivia
WhiteBoard News (6 msgs)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher or WWW as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu//1Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon Nov 14 23:14:51 EST 1994
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucksters
First of all, note that you can see the Yucks archive via WWW. Point
your browser at
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/1Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
This issue contains another collection from another mailing list
besides Yucks. It's the "WhiteBoard News". This is another collection
of news stories from all over, digested together and presented for the
amusement of the reader.
Again, the same general comments as for the previous samples I have
presented: if you are interested, subscribe yourself. I won't be
excerpting from this list for Yucks in the future.
To subscribe send email to:
joeha@microsoft.com (Joseph Harper)
Last of all, if you have and nifty or strange suggestions for gifts for
the holiday season, please send them on. I'll try to do one or two
special "Santa" issues of the digest to accomodate suggestions.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Nov 94 17:22:53 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 02, 1994
Jerusalem, Israel:
An Israeli woman is seeking a divorce because she says
her husband is infatuated with Hillary Rodham Clinton,
a newspaper has reported.
"When my husband heard that the Clintons were coming to
Israel, he lost all control," the newspaper Yedieoth
Ahronoth quoted her as saying in divorce papers. "He
waited in front of their Jerusalem hotel (last) week
for hours just to see his beloved."
The woman, who is in her 30s, said her 40-year-old
spouse had obsessively collected press clippings and
photographs of Mrs. Clinton ever since Bill Clinton
became president.
"A month ago my husband surprised me by ordering me to
color my hair to match the shade used by the
president's wife and to copy her hairstyle," she said.
==========
Atlanta, Georgia:
The execution date for smallpox virus has been
tentatively set for Friday, June 30, 1995.
Death will come by pressure cooking in an autoclave,
followed by incineration, in Atlanta and Moscow, the
two repositories of smallpox virus. There is no plan
to mark the destruction with a ceremony.
Smallpox is the only human disease to be eliminated.
The World Health Organizations (WHO) declared the world
free of the infection in 1979, two years after the last
naturally occurring case of the disease was found in
Merca, Somalia.
Since then, the more than 50 storehouses of virus
samples have been consolidated to two: the Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta and the
Moscow Institute for Viral Preparations.
A WHO committee recently voted 8 to 2 to recommend
destruction of the samples next June.
===========
Seattle, Washington:
The theft Saturday night from a locked car parked on
20th Avenue had a touch of the unusual.
No, it wasn't the minor damage to the car door. And
no, it wasn't the $250 pair of prescription eyeglasses
that was taken.
It was the other item reported stolen: "The Club," a
$50 anti-theft device.
==========
New York, New York:
Land's End, the cozy catalog people, just announced the
arrival of recycled underwear.
Is this our worst nightmare? Actually, the company is
offering thermal underwear in a fabric made from
recycled plastic bottles and (5 percent) Lycra. Well,
all right. But it does give one pause. The undies are
$22 for the tops or bottoms.
==========
Des Moines, Washington:
Six minutes. Three hundred sixty seconds. One-tenth
of an hour.
Analyze it. Agonize over it.
That small tick of time is all that separated a woman
from claiming at least a share of Washington's record
$21 million Lotto jackpot.
Sukhi Singh, manager of a convenience store in Des
Moines, a Seattle suburb, said the woman bought her
ticket Saturday evening.
Sunday morning, she returned and excitedly asked the
clerk to check the numbers.
"We read the numbers, 28, 29, 30, 32, 36, 44," Singh
said. "She had all six."
"We called the police for safety for the ticket. She
was shaking hands and smiling. Everybody in the store
was excited. There were about 25 to 30 people here
(including some hopeful members of her family)."
But soon the $21 million bubble burst.
As the manager began to verify the woman's
identification and write her name and address on the
precious ticket, a man who had accompanied her to the
store discovered that her ticket read "Nov. 2." It had
been purchased at 7:00 PM Saturday -- six minutes after
the 6:54 PM cutoff for ticket sales. The drawing was
at 6:59 PM, one minute before her ticket was purchased.
Her ticket is good only for this Wednesday's drawing,
when the pot plummets to $1 million. Another person,
an out of work man, won the entire $21 million from
Saturday's prize. His annual take, after taxes, will
be $756,000 a year for 20 years.
"She still smiled," Singh said. She even kept the
ticket but was obviously disappointed. After all, this
is only the second time since the Washington state's
Lotto inception in 1984 that the jackpot has reached
$20 million.
==========
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil:
Following a five-month chase, Brazil's most wanted
fugitive was returned to prison Thursday after his love
of flashy imported cars led to his arrest at an annual
auto show.
Castor de Andrade, head of an organized crime syndicate
that runs the country's $2 billion-a-year illegal
lottery, was arrested as he toured the nation's largest
auto show with his niece and nephew. He had been
recognized by a couple at the event who told police.
The aging crime boss, his gray hair dyed black, sported
a mustache and a fake beard as he was taken into
custody without incident in the middle of the showroom.
Police had shadowed him after being tipped off by the
couple.
Andrade, whose organization until last year operated
openly on the streets of Rio de Janeiro with virtual
impunity for decades, is the last of its top bosses to
avoid capture. Thirteen other "godfathers" have been
convicted and sentenced as a result of a crackdown on
the organization that began early last year.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Nov 94 16:44:04 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 04, 1994
Juneau, Alaska:
Juneau police raided a motel room yesterday to arrest
the occupant on charges of cocaine possession.
However, there was no cocaine to be found, only $10,000
and the man they were after.
When asked to explain the money, the man insisted that
it was from women who paid him for sex since he so good
at it.
Police confiscated the money for testing of drug
contamination in their laboratory. But without
evidence, they could not hold the man who immediately
fled town.
One investigator joked that the man may have left
suddenly because he didn't want all the women of Juneau
to start pursuing him.
==========
Portland, Oregon:
Believe it or not, the government has money to burn.
Nearly $12 million of freshly minted money almost went
up in smoke Tuesday morning at a Federal Reserve bank
branch in downtown Portland.
The cash, still in its plastic wrappings, had just been
delivered from the Department of Treasury in
Washington, D.C., and was locked in a sub-basement
vault of the bank branch.
But as asbestos removal repairs were being made on the
vault, sparks from a welder's torch flew through small
air ducts and started a smoldering fire in the plastic
wrappings.
"It was really not a big deal," Robin Rockwood, a
Federal Reserve spokeswoman at the bank, said calmly.
"No one was injured and only a small percentage of
holdings were affected."
However, a spokesman for the Portland Fire Bureau put
things into a different light. He said fire crews had
to use a torch to cut their way into the vault to put
out the fire because of a time lock.
Rockwood wouldn't say how much money was burned, but
the damaged money is replaceable.
The bank will simply take the total amount that was in
the vault, subtract what was left after the fire and
have the balance shipped in from the Department of
Engraving and Printing.
If only life were so simple.
==========
Billings, Montana:
A Montana prisons official was at the center of a
controversy Wednesday after he was spotted treating a
convicted murderer to dinner at a seafood restaurant.
Montana Governor Marc Racicot, responding to citizen
uproar, said it would not happen again.
Racicot said state Corrections Administrator Mickey
Gamble made "a serious mistake in judgment" by treating
convicted murderer Becky Richards to dinner at the Red
Lobster in Billings as a reward for good behavior.
"Clearly, such rewards for such criminals are totally
inappropriate," Racicot said. But he did not say that
any disciplinary action would be taken against Gamble.
Gamble took Richards and two other female inmates of
the Women's Correction Center in Billings to the
restaurant October 20.
It came to public attention after Richards' high school
teacher saw her in the restaurant.
Gamble said he paid for the dinners himself. Taking
prisoners to a restaurant was not a formal policy of
the corrections department, but was a practice that had
developed over the years, he said.
==========
Hollywood, California:
Richard Branson, the billionaire chairman of Virgin
Atlantic Airways, is back to risking his life after a
three-year sabbatical.
Drawn, not by boat, but by blimp, he water-skied at
70 MPH along a southern California beach Thursday while
filming a cameo appearance for the television show
"Baywatch."
Virgin, which has cashed in more than once on the
stunts of its daredevil chairman, calls it a world
speed record for a blimp-pulled skier.
The Guinness record for a boat-pulled skier is 143 MPH.
Branson, 43, has twice been fished from the Atlantic in
the nick of time after racing a speedboat and floating
a balloon only partially across.
"He's a cross between Ted Turner and Evel Knievel,"
Virgin Executive Vice President David Tait said in
April.
Tait also said Branson had calmed down since his
"suicide attempt" of 1991 when a hot-air balloon he was
riding in went miserably off course and crash-landed in
Canada.
He's apparently regained his nerve.
==========
Minneapolis, Minnesota:
The University of Minnesota's School of Social Work has
prohibited its 250 students from wearing perfumes,
colognes and other scented products.
The ban is a response to a new affliction called
multiple chemical sensitivity-environmental illness,
which can leave people temporarily paralyzed by even a
whiff of perfume.
It is unclear how many people have the disease, and
scientists are studying evidence that is caused by
acute chemical exposure that can weaken the immune
system.
The ban applies only to social-work students, but
others who use the school's four-story building --
which also houses the philosophy and women's-studies
departments -- are also gently urged to stay scent-
free.
"We're not the smell police," said Jean Quam, director
of the School of Social Work. "When people get
educated about it, they still may think it's crazy but
they also realize perfumes can physically make people
sick."
===========
San Francisco, California:
Chocolates on your hotel room pillow? Perhaps in your
sweet dreams.
At the Nob Hill Lambourne Hotel in San Francisco,
you'll find a beta-carotene antioxidant tablet at
turndown time instead.
It's one of the hotels across the country redesigning
its rooms to reflect a healthier outlook. Lambourne
Hotel owner Chip Conley calls it "running a corporate
hotel with holistic healing."
"Our goal is to have our guests leave the hotel feeling
healthier than they came," he says.
The rooms' minibar are stocked with rice cakes,
vegetarian chili, organic wine and, yes, an occasional
chocolate. An exercise machine -- a choice of
treadmill, rowing machine or bicycle -- is in each
room.
Another trend: in addition to the ubiquitous shampoos
and bath soaps, the Lambourne offers specialized bath
products, including aroma-therapy gels, sea salts and
essential oils.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 94 17:16:32 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 07, 1994
Kansas City, Missouri:
Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians aren't
allowed to do it, according to some interpretations of
a new state law.
"I don't know what they were trying to say, but I know
that what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether,"
said David Foster, director of the writing lab at the
University of Missouri-Kansas City.
Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes
homosexual sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex.
The law, which took affect August 28, says: "A person
commits the crime of sexual misconduct in the first
degree if he has deviate sexual intercourse with
another person of the same sex, or he purposely
subjects another person to sexual contact or engages in
conduct which would constitute sexual contact except
that the touching occurs through the clothing without
that person's consent."
Lawyer Dan Viets wrote about the statute in the fall
issue of the Missouri Association of Criminal Defense
Lawyers newsletter, saying it "appears to outlaw any
purposeful sexual contact."
==========
>From the Seattle Times column of Jean Godden:
Bumper sticker spotted on a Volvo station wagon, caught
in rush-hour traffic: "Another dopeless hope fiend."
==========
Lakeside, Oregon:
A 15-year-old girl trapped on a trestle with a train
coming was struck, but suffered only cuts and scratches
when she stayed down between the rails and let the
train pass above her.
"I don't know how she managed to stay under the darn
thing, but she did," said deputy John Newcomer of the
Coos County Sheriff's office.
Diona Donald and two other girls had taken a shortcut
over the trestle Saturday when the Southern Pacific
train appeared. One of the girls was able to run to
the end of the trestle, and a second leaped to safety.
==========
Hollywood, California:
"I'm no Mrs. Ted Turner -- I'm more like Mrs. Stomach
Turner."
Milton Berle, 86, who wears a blond wig and hot-pink
spandex as Jane Fonda in his new fitness video, "Milton
Berle's Low Impact/High Comedy Workout," in an
interview with TV Guide.
==========
Toledo, Ohio:
The mayor has come under fire after offering a possible
solution to complaints about noise from the airport:
Move deaf people into the neighborhood.
Mayor Carty Finkbeiner raised the idea Wednesday.
"That's like saying let the blind work at night because
they can't see," said Dave Wielinski, chairman of
Barrier Free Toledo.
With an increasing number of flights at Toledo Express
Airport, neighbors have complained about the jet noise,
and the agency that operates the airport has been
buying up homes.
Earlier this week, Finkbeiner said the deaf might not
be as bothered by the noise, and he raised the
possibility of offering them homes that others are
fleeing.
"I think there may be people out there interested in
living in a nice home if the noise factor was not going
to be a problem," Finkbeiner said.
A deaf woman called the suggestion an insult. She said
deaf people can still feel the vibrations from the
jets.
==========
Las Vegas, Nevada:
Fremont Street in Las Vegas, the birthplace of gambling
and gaudy neon in the city, is undergoing a multi-
million dollar face lift.
A five-block stretch of Fremont Street has been closed
to automobile traffic as crews build a pedestrian mall
being promoted as the "Fremont Street Experience."
The street will give way to paths that wind through
palm trees to patio cafes, outdoor entertainment and
shopping.
But in keeping with the street's nickname, "Glitter
Gulch," the $63 million project will be topped with a
100-foot-high canopy consisting of 1.4 million lights
that will span the entire mall.
==========
Fast News Forum:
Detroit residents chopped down a plan to erect a 115-
foot cellular-telephone tower disguised as a white-pine
tree.
Robbers posing as police tricked their way into a New
York penthouse, where they swiped four antique jewelry
boxes worth $200,000.
Florida recently suspended Patrick Clark's driver's
license, which puzzled Clark. He has never had a
driver's license because he is blind.
Massachusetts Institute of Technology scientists
reported that they have found a tiny organism that eats
and thrives on arsenic.
Argentina's central-bank president had to defend the
peso -- not against speculators but against French
allegations that Argentina's new 1-peso coin is a
blatant copy of a 10-franc piece.
A Buffalo, New York, city official who admitted to
stealing at least $200,000 in public funds resigned,
then asked to be paid $8,500 for unused time off.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 94 17:33:51 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 09, 1994
[Note from SuperChef: This first item was covered
briefly in an earlier WhiteBoard News. Mike has sent
us a more detailed follow-up.]
==========
This item comes from Mike Danseglio:
Pampano Beach, Florida:
The state of Florida recently suspended Patrick Clark's
license, which is odd when you consider that Clark
doesn't have a license and never has had one.
And for a reason: Clark is blind.
"I can see him now, driving down the street, holding
his cane out the window to feel where he's driving,"
said his mother, Doris Clark.
Patrick Clark, 30, born blind, lives with his parents
in the Cresthaven neighborhood and says he has never
driven a car. He doesn't have a driver's license.
Even if he did, Clark said he didn't think he'd be a
good driver.
"How could I handle driving if I were sighted if I'm
getting tickets when I'm blind?" he joked
But he does have traffic tickets -- four of them issued
in Dade County.
He learned that in an October 10 letter from the state
Division of Driver Licenses.
Clark, who uses a wheelchair because of spinal problems
unrelated to his blindness, was read the letter after
returning from a hospital visit to Gainesville on
October 13.
The letter said Clark's driving privileges were
suspended September 8 because he had failed to pay four
traffic-related fines in Dade County.
The letter got nearly everything right about Clark -
his name, his address, his date of birth.
But for his driver's license number, the letter listed
Clark's state of Florida I.D. number. Clark uses the
number as identification the way other people use their
driver's licenses.
The letter said Clark would be legally eligible to
drive once he pays the Dade clerk of courts four
traffic-related fines, plus a $25 service fee.
Otherwise, the letter threatens that Clark will never
drive again. That suits Clark. "I've never driven in
my life anyway," Clark said.
His identification is issued by the state blind
services and from the National Federation of the Blind.
Clark can't explain the mix-up. He said he has not
lost his billfold or any identification.
A state official said someone most likely got hold of
Clark's state I.D. number and used it.
"I don't know who would do this to him. But someone
has shafted him big time," said Glenn Blocker, director
of the state division of driver licenses.
An employee in the Dade clerk's office said the traffic
tickets issued to Clark said he was stopped August 4
and was driving a car with the tag LUB 81Z. The
employee refused to give out more information, saying
Clark would have to go to Miami to find out the
particulars.
State records show the tag number cited by the clerk's
employee was issued to a main in New Smyrna Beach: Jon
P. Gragg, 31. Gragg could not be reached for comment
on Thursday.
Gragg was in an auto accident in Miami on August 18,
according to Metro-Dade police.
Clark hasn't been in Miami lately. In fact, he said
"It's been years."
Blocker said the state would continue investigating
what happened to Clark.
"He can just completely ignore this if he wants,"
Blocker said. "I don't think anything will be done,
though his name's been blackened."
That bothers Clark.
"I want to pursue this," he said, "I would like to
clear my name."
==========
Conway, Arkansas:
Three inmates used the tiny wheelbarrow from a Monopoly
set to break out of jail Sunday.
State police are still searching for the three
cellmates.
Chief Deputy Sheriff Jim Wooley said the men used the
wheelbarrow to remove tamper-resistant screws on air
duct coverings at the Faulkner County Jail. The
inmates then made their way through the ducts to the
roof, and lowered themselves three stories to the
ground using bedding as a rope.
Authorities believe the men then stole a pickup truck.
Wooley said Monopoly is one of the games prisoners are
allowed in their cells. Monopoly sets come with metal
playing pieces.
All three men are awaiting trial on charges ranging
from assault and burglary to rape.
==========
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:
Jam a voting machine in Philadelphia and Larry
Bloomfield may be on the job.
Bloomfield, 51, delivers voting booths as part of a
team of 10 mechanics on call for emergencies all
through the voting day.
"We don't fix machines," says Bloomfield. "We 'repair'
them."
==========
Winnetka, Illinois:
To many, they are still gym teachers.
New Trier High School has renamed its physical-
education staff the Department of Kinetic Wellness.
==========
Hollywood, California:
Jay Leno was outraged when congressional candidate Mark
Takano in Riverside ran an ad using a "Tonight Show"
clip of Leno joking about Takano's opponent,
Representative Ken Calvert, who was caught by police in
a car with a prostitute last year.
The clip says: "He (Calvert) says he had no idea she
was a prostitute or he wouldn't have done it. And
today the prostitute said, 'Hey, I didn't know he was a
congressman or I wouldn't have done it either.'"
Leno said: "It looks like I'm against the guy
(Calvert). For all I know, the other guy (Takano) is
just as bad...."
==========
Los Angeles, California:
George Burns was surprised to learn Monday that he was
getting the prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award from
the Screen Actors Guild.
"I didn't expect to get it until I was a little older,"
Burns, 98, said.
==========
New York, New York:
Jim Morris is famed for his forgetful Ronald Reagan
impersonation, among others. So the comic was in a
quandary two hours before his show Saturday after
Reagan's announcement letter saying he suffers from
Alzheimer's disease.
To do his impression or not?
After some soul-searching, he asked his Manhattan
Ballroom audience, which gave a resounding yes. So
Morris, meaning no ill, went ahead with the bit,
mentioning the announcement. His kicker was that
Reagan had written the letter in 1982.
Morris is continuing the impression for the time being,
asking audiences each night if they approve.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 16:13:54 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 11, 1994
Los Angeles, California:
Want an expert's opinion?
The Mayflower Madam is going to cover the trial of the
reputed Hollywood Madam.
The cable channel America's Talking said it has hired
Sydney Biddle Barrows to be a regular contributor,
covering the Los Angeles trial of Heidi Fleiss.
"If you want an expert on war, you get a retired
general," Barrows said. "I'm not exactly a general,
but I am retired."
Fleiss is accused of procuring four women for
prostitution. Prosecutors say she ran an exclusive
call-girl ring whose clients purportedly included
Hollywood's rich and famous.
Barrows once ran two $200-an-hour escort services in
New York City. She pleaded guilty to prostitution as
decade ago and was fined $5,000. She is known as the
"Mayflower Madam" because her ancestors can be traced
back to the original settlers of Plymouth Rock.
===========
Tallinn, Estonia:
Alexander Einseln, a retired Estonian-born U.S. Army
colonel, who is trying to whip the little Baltic's
state's defense into shape, says he "has no plans to
invade Russia before the year 3000."
==========
Los Angeles, California:
In a match that could only be made in Hollywood, the
heirs of Stooges Curly Joe DeRita and Larry Fine are
being represented by Bela Lugosi Jr. in a lawsuit
against the heirs of head Stooge Moe Howard.
The case, which may go to a Los Angeles jury this week,
alleges that the Moe heirs illegally withheld
merchandising income from the Curly Joe and Larry
heirs.
"I took Dad's good advice not to go into acting," said
Lugosi, 56. "He thought I ought to be in a profession.
I was 18 when he died. He didn't know I would become
an attorney."
Lugosi also represents the interests of the heirs of
his father -- the first Dracula; the daughter of Boris
Karloff -- the first Frankenstein monster; and the son
of Lon Chaney Jr. -- the first Wolfman.
"They are the three classic characters," Lugosi said.
"We're going to be doing a lot of joint merchandising."
==========
San Diego, California:
Victoria Ingram-Curlee made good on her wedding promise
to her husband.
In two operations Wednesday, doctors removed one of her
kidneys and implanted it in Randall Curlee.
"The operations, both of them, were quite successful,"
Dr. Robert Mendez said. "Victoria gave a beautiful
kidney to Randy, and after we were able to implant it
and hook it up, it looked just beautiful, just as it
did when it came out of her."
Husband and wife are recuperating at Sharp Memorial
Hospital where they were married October 11.
Curlee, whose kidneys were ruined by diabetes, isn't
completely out of the woods; 15 percent of kidney
transplants fail.
Shortly after the couple got engaged in February,
Curlee, 46, learned that he would die without a
transplant. His fiancee offered to be a donor, and
doctors were surprised when tests indicated she was a
good match.
==========
Fort Lauderdale, Florida:
Police say Sandra D'Avanzo had drinks at dinner, so she
let a designated driver take her home.
Her daughter. Age 10.
The child nearly made it -- crashing the family's
Mercedes-Benz into a neighbor's front yard three doors
down the street from home.
"The little girl was supposed to turn into the
driveway, but she missed," said a police spokesman.
Police records show it is the second time D'Avanzo has
put her child in the car and ended up in trouble. Five
years ago, Hollywood, Florida, police stopped D'Avanzo
on suspicion of smoking crack while driving, and found
the same daughter -- then just 4 years old -- in the
car's back seat.
D'Avanzo, 37, who told police she was a life-insurance
broker, appeared in court Monday and was released on
$500 bail. She has custody of her daughter.
D'Avanzo was returning home about 11:00 PM Sunday when
her 1994 Mercedes-Benz careened out of control, police
said.
"Neighbors witnessed it and said she was blaming her
daughter for the accident," the spokesman said.
The daughter told police she was sitting on her
mother's lap, both "pushing the pedals and turning the
wheel," according to the arrest report.
The patrol officer smelled alcohol and asked D'Avanzo
to submit to a roadside sobriety test, which she
failed. She refused to take a breath-analysis test.
Police charged her with driving under the influence,
allowing a minor to drive and child abuse.
==========
Portland, Oregon:
Your dog's meal can now taste something like yours
without being unhealthful.
You've always known that Fido wants what you eat, and
you also know that table scraps are bad for dogs,
unless they miraculously happen to be a balanced mix of
the same major food groups that humans need -- and
totally devoid of fat.
And, by and large, you don't want what your dog eats.
Now Toppers, a Portland firm, offers sauces that
supposedly will make the food taste like ours. Flavors
are Chicken Teriyaki, Shrimp Alfredo, Veggie Marinara
and Rack of Lamb, although they are meatless.
The sauces should have no trouble passing the taste
test, doggie dining habits being what they are. In
theory, Fido will wolf down his sauced-up food,
blessing your name and thinking he's eating human grub.
Toppers also makes sauces for cat food, but cats can be
finicky eaters -- and not necessarily demonstrably
grateful for getting what they consider merely their
due. So, you might not want to try the kitty sauce
unless you have a dog. Fido, after all, is fond of
scraps from any table.
==========
Huntington, West Virginia:
Man bites dog.
William Burgess, accused of biting a neighbor's mutt,
says Buddy the dog "was growling at me...messing with
my dogs and messing with me every time I walked by."
Burgess, 39, is jailed on animal-cruelty and assault
charges. Buddy is recovering from a bite on the neck,
says owner Lorrie McComas.
==========
Leavenworth, Washington:
Dale Harrison arrived at a hospital with a full-blown
case of pneumonia but he refused to check in unless his
doctor would let him out later to vote.
Harrison, 61, of Leavenworth was running a temperature
of almost 103 degrees Monday and X-rays showed
pneumonia, Dr. Karl Kranz said.
"But he said he would not come into the hospital unless
I turned him loose to vote," Kranz said.
Harrison spent Monday in bed, getting big doses of
antibiotics through an IV tube. On Tuesday, he was
able to remove the IV, put on a respiratory mask and go
to his polling place with his wife.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 94 19:41:27 PST
From: joeha@microsoft.com
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: joeha@microsoft.com
WhiteBoard News for November 14, 1994
Basseterre, St. Kitts and Nevis:
About 150 inmates in the Western Hemisphere's smallest
nation took over Her Majesty's Prison Friday, then
broke out during a fire and marched down city streets.
They were protesting the release of the deputy prime
minister's sons, who had been arrested on drug and
weapons charges.
Trinidad and Tobago, one of the larger Caribbean
neighbors, has sent 50 troops to help out at the
request of the government. St. Kitts and Nevis has
only 300 police officers and no military.
==========
New York, New York:
A suicidal young man who jumped from the roof of his
17-story building survived because he hit two tree
branches before landing on a car, police said.
Ethan Frankel, 24, was "despondent" before he jumped
from the Greenwich Village apartment house.
He was hospitalized in critical condition.
==========
Los Angeles, California:
"Now you've got my name on it. You can kick it all
over the place."
Prince Charles, autographing a soccer ball for
youngsters in Los Angeles last week.
==========
Los Angeles, California:
More than three-quarters of all the paper money in Los
Angeles has some amount of cocaine or some other
illicit drug stuck to it, according to a federal
appeals-court decision that vividly illuminates how
extensively the drug trade touches mainstream commerce.
The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals relied on that
fact to dismiss a case against a man suspected of drug
trafficking.
In powdered form, the court said, cocaine is so sticky
that a bit stays behind when a drug dealer wraps it in
a bill folded like an envelope or a user snorts it
through a dollar used as a makeshift straw. As that
bill is pressed against another in a wallet or counted
in combination with others in a bank or cash register,
those other bills get contaminated too.
That means, the court said, that almost everyone in Los
Angeles is conceivably at risk of being barked at by
drug-sniffing police dogs.
==========
Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
Researcher Jane Goodall says she once harbored jealous
feelings for another woman: Tarzan's female companion
with the same first name.
At the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire on Friday
night, the veteran of 34 years of primate research said
she didn't think much of the apeman's choice of
females.
"I thought she (Jane) was a real wimp and that I would
have made a better mate for Tarzan," Goodall said.
==========
Hollywood, California:
"In an interview, Vanna White says since her son was
born, she wants to work less. Vanna, you turn tiles
for a living. If you worked any less, you'd be the
triangle player for K.C. and the Sunshine Band."
Comic Dennis Miller, on "Dennis Miller Live."
==========
New York, New York:
A man believed to have more suspensions on his license
than any other motorist in New York state -- 633 to be
exact -- was arrested after police said they saw him
make an illegal U-turn.
The officers who stopped Larry Linen on Saturday night
said he was driving without a license when he was
picked up.
==========
Portland, Oregon:
A new 12-step support group has formed here in the
Northwest -- where the nation's current coffee craze
was cradled -- to help java junkies survive the jitters
as they wean themselves from caffeine.
Founder Marsha Naegeli-Moody is bucking the java jive.
She was up to 10 cups a day, she said, when she and a
Portland psychiatrist founded the support group,
patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous.
"It's just like smoking or alcohol," Naegeli-Moody said
of the caffeine lurking in your comforting cuppa joe.
"It's addictive, and they're making millions of dollars
off of it."
The group's goal is not to ban caffeine, but for each
member to become caffeine-free. At each meeting,
members start by reciting the "serenity prayer" and
Alcoholics Anonymous' Twelve Steps, in which they have
substituted the word caffeine for alcohol.
Kicking caffeine is made more difficult because so many
common products contain caffeine: soft drinks,
chocolate, even medications.
"You really have to be a label-reader," Naegeli-Moody
said.
One member, Chris, wouldn't give his full name because
his employer has an interest in a number of coffee
shops. He said he turned to coffee after giving up
alcohol and cigarettes.
"I don't know what I'm going to do now," he said.
"Probably work more."
==========
Fast News Forum:
A Sicilian town's main street was blocked by citizens
outraged at the wedding of two 83-year-olds, who they
thought were too old to marry again and were letting
down their families.
Five Colombian prisoners on a hunger strike in an
Ecuadorian jail sewed their lips shut to emphasize
their demand to be sent home to serve out their time.
A North Carolina construction worker whose earth mover
flipped and crushed one of his legs used two eightpenny
nails to dig himself out and drag himself up a hill to
get help.
A Colorado mechanic thought something was wrong when he
felt a wall in a gas tank he was working on. The tank
contained 70 pounds of marijuana.
A full-size replica of the ocean liner Titanic is to be
built in Asia for a Japanese firm to use as a hotel.
It may be the law of the jungle, but that doesn't make
it art, said French officials who shut down an avant-
garde show of spiders, snakes, scorpions and toads
devouring each other.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------