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Yucks Digest V4 #34 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 11 Nov 94 Volume 4 : Issue 34
Today's Topics:
21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
Annoying host names
AOL's cutting edge customer service
Artificial Life
AZ's Sheriff at his best
C+-
caffeination
election news...
Existential risks of computer systems
I am NOT interested in razor-wire
I didn't know he was, ah, full-chested...
If you can't stand the heat, burn down the kitchen
I guess Microsoft figures we have enough work ...
multi-use parts
My Favorite Error Msg of the Day
O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Prognosticator Extraordinaire
QOTD (2 msgs)
secret lightbulb joke
Sex Outlawed in Missouri
ShopTalk for Mon, Nov 7, 1994
ShopTalk for Tue, Nov 8, 1994 -- Election Day!
The Bobbitt Prayer
The Code of the Geeks
they'll take you to the height of pleasure ...
Who Needs the Dalai Lama?
YMMB (Yet More Microsoft Bashing)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu//1Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 11:54:41 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: Barbara <73300.164@compuserve.com>
From: Thom Monticue [75006,3640]
Subject: Crisis management
21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.
9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
10. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
12. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
13. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
14. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
17. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 21:55:07 -0500
From: Christopher Davis <ckd@loiosh.kei.com>
Subject: Annoying host names
To: "Scott A. McIntyre" <smcintyre@whoi.edu>
SAM> == Scott A McIntyre <smcintyre@whoi.edu>
SAM> This doesn't exist, but sometimes I sort of wish it did, just for
SAM> the mention in yucks:
SAM> dotdash-dashdot.dotdomaindotcom.dash.com
SAM> [try saying it aloud to someone over the phone]
Ah, but you just aren't imaginative enough to find the domain for the US
Department of Transportation which is, of course, dot.gov.
"That's dot dee oh tee dot gee oh vee, not dot dot dot gov."
There's even a host named dotnews.dot.gov, or "dee oh tee en ee double-u s
dot dee oh tee dot gee oh vee" (and not "dotnews dot dot dot gov").
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 14:17:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: AOL's cutting edge customer service
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: griffith@netcom.com (Jim Griffith)
America Online has been receiving a lot of bad press of late because its
users have had serious mail delays - sometimes amounting to several
days between receipt of a letter from the Internet and passing it on to the
desired recipient. Two friends of mine run a start-up play-by-mail
company, and unaware of the bad press, they called AOL customer support
for this very reason (several days' delay of email makes PBM games
unplayable, for all intents and purposes).
The AOL customer service rep. said that he didn't understand why there
were problems, because "when I run the AOL interface, and when I type my mail
in and press the 'send' button, it vanishes, and it's just gone! It's off
to the Internet! Maybe you should telephone the Internet and talk to their
tech support people."
Yes, the mark of a truly professional Internet access provider...
[Hello, Operator? Please give me the telephone number for "Internet."
No, I don't know what city they're in.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 01:21:07 -0500
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
Subject: Artificial Life
To: silent-tristero
[from The Computists Communique]
Defense conversion: After being "downsized" by the aerospace
industry, Richard Jurmain started making dolls. A PBS special
showed teenagers carrying flour sacks -- or plants, or raw eggs
-- to get a feel for parenthood, and Jurmain's wife suggested
that he could come up with something that cried. He could,
and could even make it look and feel like a real infant.
His $200 "Baby Think It Over" cries every 2-4 hours -- day and
night -- until held for 10-35 minutes. (Crankiness level can be
pre-set.) A read-out shows whether the doll has been neglected
or roughly handled. High school kids assigned a doll for the
weekend really do think it over. Now Jurmain is working on a
crack baby that is smaller, cries longer, and shakes violently.
[Susan Reek and Jamie Reno, People, 10/10/94, p. 103.]
[Now, load those up with the patented fake baby poop described in
the last Yucks, and you really have something! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 94 09:33:05 PST
From: Diana Chabot <Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com>
Subject: AZ's Sheriff at his best
To: lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com and eventually to spaf
Undoubtedly you've heard of Arizona's Sheriff Joe and his tent jails.
Well I caught this little bit on the radio this AM. It's unlawful to
deny prisoners of their rights to watch television, but Sheriff Joe says
that doesn't mean you have to give them HBO and Cinemax. In fact, his
TV's are set up for one channel only--the government public access
channel. Now inmates can enjoy hours of local government proceedings
including meetings of the county board of supervisors. When asked if he
would be watching, too, Joe replied that he wouldn't have time, and that
he doesn't have to watch, since he's not in jail.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 15:21:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: C+-
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: whorfin@pixar.com (Rick Sayre)
From: Peter Schroder <ps@math.scarolina.edu>
C+- (pronounced "C more or less")
Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance,
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators
are overridden as shown:
> better than
< worse than
>> much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous
logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less
realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which
are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can
be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said
to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to
ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods
(WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all booleans. What-if and why-not
interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor
sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be
killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive,
volatile, and non-Abelian.
Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random
mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate
protocol. In addition to base, derived, virtual, and abstract classes,
C+- supports gut classes. In certain locales, polygamous derivations and
bastard classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes
is illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
//child classes can now be derived
sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1
{ // define MySclass
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
// illegitimate
divorce (MParent1, FParent2);
marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
{ // OK now
Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma
dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly
resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 08:22:14 -0800
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: caffeination
To: eniac
Frank Wales writes:
> Croissant = kriz-ANT (US), kr-AH-zon (UK), khhwwwZ!oh (France)
The proper Burger King pronounciation is "CROY-zint." Yes, it horrified
me the first time I heard it, but I find it accurate, as what they serve
at Burger King aren't real croissants anyway. They're croizants.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 1994 22:12:32 -0500
From: "David L. Stevens" <dls@alecto.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: election news...
To: bob
In the election news just now, Dan Rather said "Kennedy has pulled it
out again."
I hear he won the election, too...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 18:12:42 -0500
From: ian@ai.mit.edu (Ian Horswill)
Subject: Existential risks of computer systems
Newsgroups: comp.risks
The hotel I was in last weekend had a nifty video-based message system.
They had the standard spectra-vision pay-per-view interactive video hardware
in the rooms so they set it up so you could review your bill, check out, and
collect your messages using your TV and remote control as a terminal.
Pretty nifty.
So one night, I get back to my room and press the "check messages" button.
After a longish pause, my TV greets me with the message:
"We're sorry, but the hotel records indicate that this room does not
exist. Please contact the front desk if this is not the case."
At first, this caused a sort of Sartrian crisis within me, but then I
relaxed. According to the hotel phone directory, the front desk didn't
exist either, so I was obviously in good company.
P.S. It would seem that someone inadvertently checked me out.
[Or else the database was inaccessible; your hypothesis suggests
that someone checked out the front desk as well. PGN]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 12:28:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I am NOT interested in razor-wire
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
A reply to someone asking if anyone was interested in a "fencing club."
Sounds great to me!
I'm mostly interested in chain link, hot dipped galvanized type,
concrete poured holes; also explored and wish to investigate more
northwestern Montana 1843-48 barbed wire fences.
Would be glad to help newcomers with the following:
Post/rail (Lincolnesque) 1700-1800 Mid-Atlantic area, mostly
Southern MD.
Non-grouted stone, limestone/shale base, angles of repose
approximately 40 degrees.
Same as above, but with poured concrete footings/reinforcements
(clever modern attempt at old-time simulations, but practical).
I am NOT interested in razor-wire, electrified over 400 volts AC/DC,
or guard dogs.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 1994 18:16:44 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I didn't know he was, ah, full-chested...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kevindu@atm.com (Kevin J. Dunlap)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Bobbitt-Halloween Joke
From: rogerrow@pipeline.com (Roger Rowlett)
My girlfriend said she was invited to all nude Halloween party.
She plans to go as John Wayne Bobbitt.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 09:17:34 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you can't stand the heat, burn down the kitchen
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Linda Branagan" <linda@z-code.com>
If you can't stand the heat, burn down the kitchen
If that doesn't work, do what the voters do these days -- just say screw it
-- by Art Hoppe Special to the Free Press
SAN FRANCISCO --The political analyst on CNN said the voters elected a
Republican Congress because they "wanted to try bipartisanship." I asked my
friend, George Screwum, who is a voter, if this were true.
"No, no," he said, aiming a kick at a passing kitten. "We did it because we
were sick and tired of gridlock and wanted a change."
But won't the president have an even tougher time getting any legislation
passed?
"Screw him," said George, happily squashing a ladybug that had lighted on the
handle of his black umbrella.
And you tossed out a number of veteran Democrats like Tom Foley who were
doing well for their constituents.
George nodded. "Screw 'em," he said.
As for the Republicans, they'll now be responsible for the do-nothing
government we'll have during the next two years.
"Screw them, too," George agreed.
Aren't you worried that the Republicans, if they do anything, will cut back
Social Security for your aged mother? "Screw her," said George.
And they'll do their best to lop off welfare payments for the poor, thereby
encouraging them to take up a life of crime.
"And the horse they rode in on," said George.
What about California? I see you turned down virtually every bond issue,
including one for mass transit that would have reduced traffic jams for you
commuters.
"Screw 'em," George said, contentedly.
Yet you pushed through Proposition 187, which is clearly illegal. Is it worth
a bundle in legal fees on the off chance you can persecute a bunch of illegal
aliens?
George positively beamed. "Screw 'em," he said.
And this three-strikes initiative you passed in a landslide. Won't it cost
you billions for new prisons and custodial care to lock up a passel of car
thieves and forgers for life? "Screw 'em," said George, drawing a finger
across his throat.
One race I don't understand. Why did you let a hen-pecked twit like
Huffington come within a gnat's whisker of beating a hard-working, honest,
efficient senator like Dianne Feinstein? "Screw her," George said.
Yes, but in the end, Huffington lost.
"And him, too," said George.
Hold on there, George. It seems to me that just to take revenge on the
president, the Democrats, the bureaucrats, the aliens, the felons and your
poor aged mother, you've created a new dimension in gridlock, cut pork to
your own district and saddled yourself with all sorts of extra government
costs. Aren't you chopping off your nose to spite your face?
A glow of sheer delight suffused George's features as he triumphantly rubbed
his hands. "Screw me," he said.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 14:34:57 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I guess Microsoft figures we have enough work ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Theo de Raadt <deraadt@fsa.ca>
From: taco@fsa.ca (Taco Van Ieperen)
>From the September Issues of Microsoft Developer News.
Dear Dr. GUI:
... Text deleted...
"My app was working perfectly in debug mode but behaved very
erratically when built for release. I hope I am doing something
wrong here."
Response from Microsoft:
... Text deleted...
"Typically , switching between compilers is a no-brainer (luck for me!),
but there is one significant difference that can cause erattic behaviour
(even if you disable optimizations). Wheras the fast compiler will
initialize all of your local data if you haven't already explicitly
intialized it, the optimizing compiler won't. So, for instance, if you
have a pointer defined locally in a function and you use it without
initializing it, IN DEBUG MODE IT'LL GET INTIALIZED SOMEWHERE SORT OF SAFE
(SUCH AS AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DATA SEGMENT), but in release mode it
will be pointing at some random location."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I guess Microsoft figures we have enough work trying to get a Windows
app running without having to track down silly GP faults due to NULL
pointer references.
[Another in the series of "Why the Hell is Microsoft still in business?"
posts. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 94 19:30:07 EST
From: mharihar@uceng.uc.edu (Murali Hariharan)
Subject: multi-use parts
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the
relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to
them asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 1994 21:03:16 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: My Favorite Error Msg of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: ddt@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)
My favorite Error Msg of the Day (courtesy of HP DeskScan II v2.0):
___________________________________________
| |
| Sorry, an unknown error has occurred. |
| This is probably a bad thing. |
| [OK] |
|___________________________________________|
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 23:35:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Charles M. Hannum" <mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu>
; finger jjunging@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca
[sciborg.uwaterloo.ca]
Login name: jjunging In real life: Yohaun
Office: Phys139, x6279
Directory: /u/jjunging Shell: /bin/csh
Last login Tue Nov 8 17:20 on ttyp7 from ts2cc
Plan:
English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en \ks i hodet!
Spanish: !Dios mio! !Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Russian: Bozhemoi! Eta topor v u-menyu golovwi!
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Polish: O Moi Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
[Yohaun was Lizzy Borden in a previous life, I presume. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 07:07:29 EST
From: Abhijit Chaudhari <abhijit@sware.com>
Subject: Prognosticator Extraordinaire
To: spaf
The people being dissatisfied with a Democratic Legislature, which stole no
more than they had, elected a Republican one, which not only stole all they
had but exacted a promissory note for the balance due, secured by a mortgage
upon their hope of death.
-- Ambrose Bierce in Fantastic Fables, 1898
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 1994 10:03:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: matthew green <mrg@mame.mu.oz.au>
Pirating Win95 is like stealing blood samples from an AIDS testing lab.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 12:26:20 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
My feeling is that, while we should have the deepest respect for reality,
we should not let it control our lives.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 1994 17:49:28 -0500 (EST)
From: haroldh@ksgbbs.harvard.edu (Harold Hubschman mcmpa 731-4754)
Subject: secret lightbulb joke
To: silent-tristero
<forwards deleted>
(according to the Official Secrets Act, the author cannot reveal his
identity)
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy
dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist
dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask,
masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to
the next floor, drill a hole down through the light fixture into
the bulb, removes the burned-out filament, and replaces it with a
new super-high-wattage model of his own design, which also
contains a microphone (and uses the filament as an antenna).
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck.
Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the
laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United
States.
[I assume there are enough older readers who remember the IMF to make
this funny. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 06 Nov 1994 21:59:27 -0600
From: ajk007@email.mot.com (John Kinyon)
Subject: Sex Outlawed in Missouri
To: spaf
In bit.listserv.gaynet article <M3KlkeXNLHBG073yn@cybrdrom.com>,
thomasmc@cybrdrom.com wrote:
> Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?
>
> KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians
> aren't allowed to do it, according to some interpretations
> of a new state law.
>
> "I don't know what they were trying to say, but I know that
> what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether," said
> David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University
> of Missouri-Kansas City.
>
> Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes homosexual
> sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex. Another says it outlaws
> homosexual sex and nonconsensual sex.
>
> The law, which took effect Aug. 28, says: "A person commits
> the crime of sexual misconduct in the first degree if he has
> deviate sexual intercourse with another person of the same
> sex, or he purposely subjects another person to sexual
> contact or engages in conduct which would constitute sexual
> contact except that the touching occurs through the clothing
> without that person's consent."
>
> Attorney Dan Viets wrote about the statute in the fall issue
> of the Missouri Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers
> newsletter, saying it "appears to outlaw any purposeful
> sexual contact."
>
> House Speaker bob Griffin says the only way the sentence
> makes sense is if the reader applies the "without that
> person's consent" phrase to all three parts of the sentence.
> In that case, gay sex between consenting adults would be
> legal, Griffin said.
>
> "That's the only way you can read it," he said. "It doesn't
> make any sense in the scheme of human nature that it would
> read otherwise."
>
> But state Sen. Larry Rohrbach, a Republican, says the law
> explicitly prohibits gay sex.
>
> "I don't think there's a problem" with the law as it's
> written, he said.
>
> Most Missourians need not fear.
>
> The Missouri Supreme Court plans to release new instructions
> that would make it clear that the law applies only to sex
> without consent, said Cole County Prosecutor Richard
> Callahan.
The use of the term "instructions" intrigues me.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 16:17:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk for Mon, Nov 7, 1994
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: ShopTalk for Mon, Nov 7, 1994
Jay Leno, on the trick or treater who showed up at his home
Tuesday night: "I told him, `Kid, you are about 24 hours
late. What are you supposed to be anyway?' He said, `I'm
the cable guy.'"
Leno, on the latest news on the Simpson case that O.J. has
intestinal problems: "Doctors say that as soon as he passes
that knife, he should be O.K."
Comedy writer Michael Conner, on the Simpson jury
selection: "Shapiro is asking prospective jurors if they'd
be willing to set aside issues, such as race, celebrity --
and evidence."
Conner, on Prince Chuck's visit to Von's grocery: "The
store set up a special Charmin display for the occasion
that reads: `For the OTHER throne room.'"
Comedy writer Bob Mills' sports update:
On 45-year-old George Foreman who fought Saturday for the
world heavyweight championship:
* The 15-round match at Las Vegas' MGM Grand is
sanctioned by the WBA, the IBF and the AARP.
* For the first time in Nevada boxing history, the weigh-
in will include a free prostate screening.
* Foreman is the first to admit that when you shadow box
at age 45, sometimes your shadow wins.
On basketball star Dennis Rodman being suspended for
excessive violence: "According to a team spokesman, Rodman
has checked into the `Bobby Knight Courtside Behavioral
Clinic.'"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 10:41:54 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk for Tue, Nov 8, 1994 -- Election Day!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: ShopTalk for Tue, Nov 8, 1994 -- Election Day!
Fleiss flak: Jay Leno, on Heidi's trial, next door to
O.J.'s: "Judge Ito was so ruffled about having her
nearby, he confused Simpson jurors with Fleiss' and
dismissed anyone who's ever had sex in the back of a white
Ford Bronco."
Comic Argus Hamilton, on last week's four New York lottery
winners, who each got $18 million: "They were all so
disappointed; it's not nearly enough to move to California
and run for the U.S. Senate.
Auditors say New Mexico's labor department grossly
misspent $100,000 for computer a payroll system, and
$90,000 to train workers on a system most currently don't
use. "The Pentagon has expressed envy," says Hamilton.
"and is sending a task force to absorb wisdom."
Comedy writer Clay Heery, on the North Carolina lawyer on
trial for billing clients for 24-hour days and seven-day
work weeks: "The prosecutor charges fraud, but the state
bar spokesman responded by saying, `What? You mean there
are only 24 hours in a day?'"
[ Only 24 hours in a day? Not for my grad students. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 94 11:56:22 PST
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: The Bobbitt Prayer
To: spaf
THE BOBBITT PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope to find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog that's running free
Doesn't find that little part of me
Many precautions I must take
To keep the part I love to shake.
Much attention must I pay
To assure I put the knives away
The mower, the chain saw, the hatchet too
There's just no telling what she'll do.
So to preserve my manly charm
I keep it safe, away from harm
I cross my fingers as I close my eyes
And I cross my legs to avoid surprise.
AMEN
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Date: Tue, 8 Nov 94 21:34:48 EST
From: Frank Wang <fw>
Subject: The Code of the Geeks
To: coast-guys
Guys,
Check this out, the latest version of Geek Code:
http://www.cosy.sbg.ac.at/doc/geek/geek_code.html
You will love it.
[It is a classic. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Nov 1994 14:13:43 -0500
From: (null)
Subject: they'll take you to the height of pleasure ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
For the Netnews challenged, Cherry Patch II is a brothel in
Las Vegas, much discussed in various newsgroups.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@cygnus.com>
From: cheer@isisph.com (Christopher D. Heer)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.services
Subject: Re: Vegas Brothel Experience - Part II
In article <DM9358.94Nov1105318@ehsn20.cen.uiuc.edu>
dm9358@ehsn20.cen.uiuc.edu (David D Mattox) writes:
>In article <1994Nov1.025520.10896@mixcom.com> George Tews
><George.Tews@mixcom.mixcom.com> writes:
>
>[description of the Cherry Patch II deleted]
>
>> NOTE- They do not take American Express! Some poor fella flew across
>> the country just to see her from my last post, but only had that card.
>> My heart goes out to that guy.....he didn't have a bank card either,
>> which I was surprised to hear that they can take at CPII. So bring
>> cash, Travellers Cheques or Visa/Mastercard!
I would pay money to see THAT Visa commercial ...
"So go to Las Vegas, and go to the Cherry Patch, and take your Visa card,
because they'll take you to the height of pleasure, but they won't take
American Express!"
I can hear the voice and everything.
[.."and everything"???? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 12:02:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who Needs the Dalai Lama?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Duncan <jim@math.psu.edu>
[The following appears in the Letters section of Men's Health magazine,
October 1994, Rodale Press, page 16. Reprinted without permission.]
In the May 1994 issue of Men's Health, Denis Boyles says that "the
meaning of life" is one of the things every man should know ["It's
the Thought That Counts"].
I have been trying to find out what the meaning of life is for about
50 years. Would you be kind enough to tell me?
Richard Chambers, Athens, Alabama
Denis Boyles responds:
Finding the meaning of life, Mr. Chambers, is simply a matter of looking
at your fingers from time to time and seeing what they're up to. If
you're 10 and holding a bat and some 12-year-old Visigoth is staring down
at you from the mound, the meaning of life can be found at the exact spot
where your bat meets his ball. If you're 17 and have somehow found your
hand just inches from a small, pert breast, you may believe you have the
meaning of life right there in your trousers, a long-term misapprehension
that accounts for much distress in men's lives. If you're 28, fumbling
with a surgical mask and standing next to a somewhat anxious young woman
in a delivery room (and you're not an actual obstetrician), you'll soon
be able to spot the meaning of life, because he or she will be the
smallest person in the room. And so it goes.
If, however, you should somehow reach the end of your life without
finding the meaning of it, you can in a pinch use this simple mathematical
equation. Take the dollar value of all your IRA, Keogh, 401(k), or other
pension plans, add the book value of your savings and other assets, and
divide that subtotal by the combined ages of all your children. Next,
add up how many times a woman, not personally known by you, looked you
square in the eye and smiled at you in a lascivious manner. Multiply the
total number of lascivious looks by 10, and divide by the number of
divorces among your immediate family. Divide the first number by the
second. Now multiply your grand total by the percentage of everything
you think you can take with you. And there you go.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 11:59:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: YMMB (Yet More Microsoft Bashing)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Subject: ...at Microsoft's expense. You bet.
Forwarded-by: William_Krueger@dallas.csd.sterling.com
Sing this to the theme of the Flintstones....
Windows, MS-Windows,
Its the stone-age look and feel GUI,
That's Why, Bill of Redmond,
Didn't win the desktop with NT,
Four-OH barely kept interest alive,
Now they call it Windows 95,
Do we Wait for Windows,
Or have a yabba-dabba do time,
An OS/2 time,
They'll never ship in time.....
<BIG GRIN> :>
Adam Gover E-Mail: Agover@interlog.com
Humber College 82468583@admin.humberc.on.ca CIS
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------