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Yucks Digest V4 #33 (shorts)




Yucks Digest                Thu, 10 Nov 94       Volume 4 : Issue  33 

Today's Topics:
                      3rd Generation Subscriber
                       A com-priv bedtime story
                         Annoying host names
                 Another sign of the coming downfall
                 Chimps, Toolmaking, & Dumb Men Jokes
                        Comedy writers, on...
                       Drunken drivers beware!
                        Famous courtroom lines
                      Federal Disaster Calendar
                For YUCKS: What's that ticking sound?
                     Free stuff on 127.0.0.1 !!!!
                             generations
                             Good to Know
                             Great Quote
              halloween (not sure where this originated)
                  Headers from alt.business.misc...
                           for a good home
 How about UPLOADING the 917,410 images so we can do our own studies?
             It's the end of the world as we know it.....
                  Just how big *is* /usr/spool/mail?
                   Mental Disease of the Month Club
                     More gifts for the holidays!
                           More patent poop
       One to change the bulb, and four to share the experience
                         Our friend, Mr. Sun
                                 QOTD
                           Quote of the day
                    Shocked, I tell you, shocked!
                               ShopTalk
                            Sig of the day
                     The power of an upright ...
                     This is just too weird.....
                   This message illegally encrypted
                          What's in a name?
                Yucks:  New Nuclear Storage Facilities

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu//1Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 94 07:50:48 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: 3rd Generation Subscriber
To: spaf

My daughter and I are longtime Yucks subscribers, and you may recall that
when my grandson was born I mentioned that soon we might have three
generations of subscribers.  My dad just celebrated the big eight-oh
and got a CompuServe account for his birthday (he's the one on the infobahn
driving 50 in the left lane, etc. etc.).  If you'll enter a subscription
to Yucks for him, we'll have three generations subscribing with the
possibility of four if dad'll hang around long enough.

[Done!  This may prove that insanity is hereditary.  --spaf]

------------------------------

From: Bill Frezza (via RadioMail) <frezza@radiomail.net>
Subject: A com-priv bedtime story
To: com-priv@psi.com

Should universal access Internet facilities be put in Post Offices or
Libraries?

"Bow wow," said Pokey the maildog. "I am in every hamlet, village, and
congressional voting district. I am a state monoploy established by the
US Constitution. Give the money to me."

"Meow, meow," said Kitty the Librarian. "I am the repository of free
knowledge, the center of civic intellectual life. Give the money to me."

"But, but .." sputtered Little Red Hen the taxpayer. "That money is mine.
I earned it myself. I'd rather save it for a rainy day."

"What effrontery!" barked Pokey the maildog. "How selfish!" hissed Kitty
the librarian.

So they put aside their differences, formed a committee, held a hearing,
consulted the experts, reached a compromise, passed a regulation, and
together they plucked the Little Red Hen, cooked her up in a pot and ate
her for dinner.

And they ate every last bit.

The End

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 08:02:37 -0500 (EST)
From: "Scott A. McIntyre" <smcintyre@whoi.edu>
Subject: Annoying host names
To: spaf

Hi,

>>risc-> host 129_179_75_12.cdc.com
>>host: 0827-801 Host name 129_179_75_12.cdc.com does not exist.
>>risc-> host 129.179.75.12
>>alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com is 129.179.75.12
>>risc-> host alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com
>>alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com is 129.179.75.12
>>
>[Okay, so it isn't so ridiculous -- they used dashes instead of
>underlines.  --spaf]

This doesn't exist, but sometimes I sort of wish it did, just for the mention
in yucks:

dotdash-dashdot.dotdomaindotcom.dash.com

[try saying it aloud to someone over the phone]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 23:05:49 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Another sign of the coming downfall
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: These are the end times...

Forwarded-By: byron@netapp.com (Byron Rakitzis)
From: "Jim.Murphy" <21329JM@msu.edu>

Seen in a bookstore last night:  "C++ For Dummies".

[Some people would argue that such a title is a bigger oxymoron
than our "Unix Security" title...  -spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 10:14:49 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Chimps, Toolmaking, & Dumb Men Jokes
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.Berkeley.EDU (J. Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: Cal Herrmann <arminius@nature.Berkeley.EDU>
From: huston@access.digex.net (Herb Huston)

In article <371uje$b4a@access4.digex.net> is written:

>In article <1994Sep30.071745.5696@totsyssoft.com>,
>Richard Jacoby <rick@TotSysSoft.com> wrote:
}I've read about this also. It was a macaque named Imo, and she started out  
}washing sand off sweet patatoes. Next her playmate learned how to do this,  
}then her mother. After that, many of her young peers learend how to do it.   
}Within seven years, many of the mothers were washing, so most of the  
}infants picked it up.  After that virtually everyone did it.

Not quite everyone.  See below.

}The same macaque figured out you can throw sandy wheat in the ocean, the  
}wheat will float, the sand sink, then the wheat can be skimmed of the  
}surface.

Yes, Imo had discovered placer mining, the technique that's used in panning
for gold.  She has been called the Archimedes of the Macaques.

}In both cases other females were the first to copy, then children of both  
}sexes then adult males..

Actually the adult males never picked up either potato-washing or placer
mining.  That's why some primatologists refer to senior faculty members
who can't quite pickup on word processing or posting to Usenet as "macaque
males."

There's a highly readable account of Imo in Carl Sagan's and Ann Druyan's
_Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors_ with references to the technical
literature.  Also, David Attenborough visits the monkeys of Koshima Island
in the penultimate episode of _Life on Earth_.  Finally, about 2.5 years
ago I had the opportunity to converse with a Japanese primatologist; my
first question for him was whether the Koshima macaques were still washing
their sweet potatoes, and his reply was that they were.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 08:52:17 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Comedy writers, on...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: ShopTalk for Thu, Nov 3, 1994

       Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Judge Lance Ito looking to
       sequester jurors somewhere with exercise facilities: "If
       he wants a place with a weight room, pool and tennis
       court, how about O.J.'s house?

       Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Mike Huffington saying
       that interviewing a nanny is "the most important interview
       you will ever have in your entire life": "Wanna bet that
       his upcoming interview with the INS will rank right up
       there."

       White House Shooting, Redux: David Letterman says there's
       a brighter side: "Now when President Clinton runs for
       reelection, at least he can say he's had combat
       experience."  Letterman adds that Monday was just a
       typical autumn scene in Washington: "Squirrels gathering
       shell casings."

       Comic Argus Hamilton says there's a reason Republicans are
       demanding better presidential protection: "If something
       happens to Clinton, they'll have to run on THEIR record."

       Comedy writer Bob Mills on White House security: "Experts
       recommended barring access to people who really have no
       business there...such as Michael Dukakis, Dan Quayle and
       Ross Perot.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 94 09:48:27 PST
From: Diana Chabot <Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com>
Subject: Drunken drivers beware!
To: lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com

   A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  As the officer
was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
  "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
  "I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."
  "Well show me," the officer demanded.
  So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more,
finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a
dazzling show and amazing the officer.
  Another car passed by.  The driver did a double take, and said, "Holy Mother,
I've got to give up the drink!  Look at the test they're giving now!"

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 14:01:56 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Famous courtroom lines
To: Jonathan_Schober@ccmail.us.dell.com (Jonathan Schober)

Yes, I've seen this before.  It reminds me of when
Mark Heard was in court about an auto accident,
there was a shooting case ahead of him.  Most
memorable line:


Attorney: Then what happened?
Witness: Then he shot me in the butt!
Judge: [some mumbo jumbo about laguage in the court room]  Let the
   record show the witness was shot in the posterior.
Witness: No, your honor, he shot me in the *butt!*


[Yes, Mark was there because he had been...rear-ended!]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Nov 1994 08:02:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Federal Disaster Calendar
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
			1995

		FEDERAL DISASTER CALENDAR

a December 1994 - December 1995 wall calendar! Thirteen months,
thirteen federally-funded photogenic fiascos!

Admire...
	- The Tennessee-Tombigbee Waterway, called the most wasteful
	  federal water project ever!
	- Gas rationing during the 1979 oil crisis!
	- The Pruitt-Igoe housing project in St. Louis, imploded in a
	  glorious blast of dynamite!
	- The evacuation of Times Beach, Missouri, in 1983, because of
	  dioxin contamination which federal regulators later said was
	  harmless!
	- The collapse of Idaho's Teton Dam in 1976!
	- Mounds of rotting peaches mandated by federal agricultural
	  marketing orders!
	- A toxic waste incinerator in Arkansas, authorized by Gov.
	  Clinton, which produces more toxic waste than it burns!
	- and more!

Once you see the gloriously laughable photographs and read the incredible 
stories behind them, you will never trust the federal government again! 

Now's your chance to order your very own Federal Disaster Calendar! 
Get 'em while they're hot!

To get a copy, send $9.95 per calendar, plus $2 shipping & handling, to:
	Alexander Volokh
	9362 Nightingale Dr.
	Los Angeles, CA 90069

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 10:42:13 -0400
From: "Patrick O'Callaghan" <poc@usb.ve>
Subject: For YUCKS: What's that ticking sound?
To: spaf

Seen in this month's Communications of the ACM:

"THE TICKING OF MORTALITY...Literally watch the hours, minutes
and seconds of your lifetime tick away. Program your age and gender
into the Timisis LifeClock and its display tells you how much time
you have left to live (assuming men live 75 years, women 80). The $100
clock, shaped like a 3D isoceles triangle [I wonder what that is ...],
also flashes any number of its 160 motivational messages designed to
inspire productivity and creativity. More than 15,000 LifeClocks
have been sold since December."

It's the bit about "inspiring productivity" that I like :-)

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 3 Nov 94 08:42:15 EST
From: kclark@koan.ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: Free stuff on 127.0.0.1 !!!!
To: spaf

[ Article crossposted from alt.2600 ]
[ Author was Ninnghizhidda ]
[ Posted on 25 Oct 1994 23:31:37 GMT ]

an130237@anon.penet.fi wrote:


: I am sick of seeing the server 127.0.0.1 listed all over the Internet
: and Usenet as a porno site, a pirated warez site and God knows what
: else.  I have repeatedly called this site and thoroughly searched every
: directory and sub-directory.  There is NOTHING of any interest to most
: people on it whatsoever.  I don't know WHY people pick on this site, if
: it's a revenge thing or the sysadmin is an asshole or what, but damm,
: people, if you're going to give someone false leads can't you be a
: little more creative than listing 127.0.0.1 all the time?  If I were the
: owner of that server I would shut it down and then have a new IP number
: re-assigned to it, or SOMETHING, just to end the harrassment.   If there
: really ARE any porno or pirate warez FTP sites then someone will have to
: E-Mail me to PROVE it to me, otherwise I won't believe stupid rumors.
: -------------------------------------------------------------------------
: To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
: Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
: and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
: Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.

There's an awsome site at 127.0.0.1! It contains secret gov't files there!

[This just reinforces my notion about the type of person who posts
anonymously.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 04 Nov 94 09:50:19 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
Subject: generations

------- Forwarded Message
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 94 09:38:55 pst
From: "Jeanne Munson" <JMunson@symantec.com>
Subject: So that's why there's no T.J Hooker re-runs

In the Washington Post and NYC Times today, there's this article
revealing that one of the secret clauses of the North Amercian
Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was the offing of Captain Kirk.
Seems Canada wouldn't sign it unless the US returned Shatner -- something
about "maintaining cultural integrity".

Perrot couldn't reached for comment.

If anybody sees this article, could you send it to me?

------- End of Forwarded Message

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 20:28:17 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good to Know
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

The November 7 *The New Republic* also reports the following correction
from the October 12 *Washington Post*:

	Because of a dictation error, an article yesterday about a
	reenactment of a slave auction at colonial Williamsburg
	incorrectly characterized organizer Christy Coleman's demeanor.
	She was tearful, not cheerful.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 08:55:52 -0500
From: Scott Lee <scott@audiofax.audiofax.com>
Subject: Great Quote
To: tech@audiofax.audiofax.com

Found in a piece of free software as the copyright notice...

	This is mine.  I'm only letting you use it.  Period.  Feel free to
	rip off any of the code you see fit, but have the courtesy to give
	me credit.  Otherwise great hairy beasts will rip your eyes out
	and eat your flesh when you least expect it.

			Jonny Goldman

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 04 Nov 94 10:13:36 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
Subject: halloween (not sure where this originated)
To: spaf

------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 20:10:03 -0800
From: russp@netcom.com (Russell Pflughaupt)
To: jdi@Eng, penick@netcom.com, spirn@netcom.com, v-ppep@microsoft.com,
        xxgl@indigo.eng.sun.com
Subject: better late then never

Top Ten reasons why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex
     
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes then go at it again. 
 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you the candy. 
 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
 5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
 4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 
 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2. Less guilt the next morning.
     
And the number one reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex is:
     
 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!!

------- End of Forwarded Message

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 30 Oct 1994 10:34:53 -0500
From: ddern@world.std.com
Subject: Headers from alt.business.misc...
To: silent-tristero

j UV Int'l Group    1  LUMBER NEEDED
l UV Int'l Group    1  RED PHOSPHOROUS NEEDED
o UV Int'l Group    1  PHENOL NEEDED
r UV Int'l Group    1  ACETONE NEEDED
s+UV Int'l Group    1  CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS NEEDED

Kind of makes you wonder what they're planning to do, 
doesn't it.... the mind boggles.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 22:34:02 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: for a good home
To: spaf

[The reuse list is for stuff that's about to go in the dumpster.  This
one isn't too far off from many of the announcements.  --Pat]

From: root@MIT.EDU (Operator)
To: reuse
Subject: free navel lint
Date: Thu, 03 Nov 1994 15:29:33 EST

There are 12 10-lb bags of used industrial navel lint available
outside 39-559.  Also, one small block of ear wax and 3 short pieces
of green chalk.  First come, first serve.
.
.
.
From: root@MIT.EDU (Operator)
To: reuse
Subject: free navel lint
Date: Thu, 03 Nov 1994 15:46:40 EST

Sorry, everything has already been taken.


[These people need to get together with the folks in Russia
wanting the chicken, lumber, and red phosphorus.  They could either
open a campus cafeteria, or summon Cthulu. --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 17:01:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How about UPLOADING the 917,410 images so we can do our own studies?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

>From alt.best.of.internet:
In article <smitty.124.00142E98@interaccess.com>,
George Smith <smitty@interaccess.com> wrote:

  From: Martin Rimm <mr6e+@andrew.cmu.edu>
  Subject: Internet-Pornography Study
  
  I am part of a team of researchers at Carnegie Mellon University. We
  have completed a large, systematic study of pornography on the
  Information Superhighway, to include both the Usenet, and adult BBS. We
  have developed powerful software to analyze 917,410 images which were
  downloaded 6.4 million times. We are looking for a journal (preferably
  academic) which can publish our findings in a relatively short period
  of time. Could someone please recommend a journal which deals with
  Internet public policy issues?

  This is a broad study and it has been quite a challenge to reduce it to
  a single discipline, which is the downside of most journals. We raise
  many legal, privacy and first ammendment issues, but we also deal with
  the sociology of sexual deviance and the (possible) degradation of
  women, which could be gender studies.

  Martin Rimm
  Carnegie Mellon University 

  Note: Someone will likely examine the above numbers and challenge them
  without listening carefully to our methodology. I would respectfully
  ask that you assume for now that our methodology is sound, until you
  have a chance to examine it upon publication.

How about UPLOADING the 917,410 images so we can do our own studies?!
                                                        ^^^
[They are welcome to publish in Yucks...  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 09:51:45 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's the end of the world as we know it.....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded from Firewalls-Digest:

    From: anthony baxter <anthony.baxter@aaii.oz.au>
    Date: Wed, 02 Nov 1994 10:30:55 +1100
    Subject: Re: Ohhhhhh Noooooooo 

    Padgett wrote:
    >>From RFC 1700:
    >>   doom            666/tcp    doom Id Software
    >>   #                          <ddt@idcube.idsoftware.com>

    Which raises the obvious question - has anyone (TIS?) written
    a proxy server for doom? ;)

    (I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this... :-)

[This must be related to the last issue's discussion of hell's
firewall machine...  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 13:47:37 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Just how big *is* /usr/spool/mail?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@healthcare.com>

This tops the "I'm out of the office" duration I've seen.
Gives a new meaning to "vacation" program too...

    From: Pierre-Yves.Lochou@cnam.fr (Pierre-Yves Lochou)
    Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 05:20:45 +0100
    To: jdl@healthcare.com

    I will not be reading my mail for a while (until the end of
    September 95), because I've gone to the army. Your fascinating
    mail regarding "Marillion's White Feather" will be read when I
    return.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 08:44:11 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mental Disease of the Month Club
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com

From: ajm@wag.caltech.edu (Abner J. Mintz)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Date: 20 Oct 1994 23:45:25 GMT

Aahz:
> Ghu, I really hate this mental-disease-of-the-month club.

Abner laughs!  "Announcement: the mental-disease-of-the-month club
is being disbanded immediately.  The reasons being:

1) During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget
   on refreshments.
2) During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed,
   and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
3) During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to
   having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
4) During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled
   in size with no increase in dues.
5) During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each
   member changed his or her mailing address and left no forewarding
   address for the club.

You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all clear now.
Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression.
Have a nice day.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 09:49:28 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More gifts for the holidays!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

The *1994 NTIS Products and Services Catalog*, from the National
Technical Information Service of the US Department of Commerce, a
catalog of some Government publications, lists, in the "Training
and Education" section:

	I Don't!  I Won't Chew Tobacco Curriculum Kit

	Prepared by the Centers for Disease Control

	An easy-to-use-and-follow educational kit that consists of a
	series of interactive activities designed to prevent children in
	kindergarten through third grade from using chewing tobacco and
	snuff.

Also, right below that, it lists:

	Ethics Videos for Government Workers

	Prepared by the U.S. Office of Government Ethics

	These videos were produced in response to the Ethics Reform Act
	of 1989, which took effect February 3, 1993[sic].  The new rules
	are the first comprehensive federal ethics regulations to be
	enacted and spell out in detail just what many U.S. Govermnet
	Executive Branch workers may and may not do.

and

	Guide to the Standards of Ethnical Conduct

	Designed for use by ethics officials in educating themselves
	about the new rules.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 09:43:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More patent poop
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: George Hartzell <hartzell@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: ahb@gene.com (Ann Benninger)
Forwarded-by: jpr@toto.gene.com (Jerome Rainey)
 
Kimberly-Clark Obtains Patent for Artificial Feces

The company makes among other things diapers, baby wipes, and training
pants.  Material for testing these products adequately has until now been
a problem, both in obtaining a reliable supply from infants and in
overcoming the repugnance of the laboratory technicians (the job
description must be something).  Patent 5356626 was granted to a pair of
researchers who developed a synthetic substitute that is free of odor
and capable of being tinted any color; the company has selected brown
for the product so far.  Apparently they do not intend to market it, for
novelty gifts or any other purpose.

[The "tinted any color" makes this an especially interesting gift
idea.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 20:27:38 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: One to change the bulb, and four to share the experience
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

The "Notebook" section of the November 7 *The New Republic* reports
the following headline from the October 12 *New York Times*:

	After Detour to California, Shuttle Returns to Earth

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 13:19:55 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Our friend, Mr. Sun
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: lee@pixar.com (Lee Unkrich)

>From the Oct. 3, 1994 issue of C&EN

Excerpted from K. M. Reese's "Newscripts":

    Wavelengths for Newcomers

    ... "Sunlight is an important part of one's diet... The scale of
    light rays can be divided into three easy-to-understand groups:

    - Below 400 nm per second is infrared.  This is heat.

    - Between 400 and 700 nm per second is ultraviolet light.  Color, or
      the rainbow, falls into this category

    - Light travelling more than 700 nm per second is gamma radiation -
      the stuff in science fiction movies.  Inappropriate amounts of this
      light are not good for the body - too much and you might turn into
      a large green turtle."

[end quote]

It's nice to know that gamma radiation only travels on the order of 700
nm per second.  I find it a comfort that, in the event of a thermonuclear
strike, I can easily outrun the heat and ionizing radiation with a
leisurely stroll, and can lunch pleasantly on the visible (ultraviolet)
portions.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Nov 1994 11:39:17 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise,
and deep psychological trauma.
                -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was 
too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the 
government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy
cows.  How come the government never does anything 
like this with lawyers?

			P.J. O'Rourke's calendar
				9/13/1994

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 14:23:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Shocked, I tell you, shocked!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <dwallach@CS.Princeton.EDU>

>From the Letters to the Editor of the Dublin (Ireland) _The Sunday
Independent_ (as reprinted in _The New Republic_, Oct. 24, 1994):

	Sir --
	I was shocked by the language of Molly McAnailly Burke's piece
on lesbian rockers, and your allowing it in a family newspaper.  The
offending phrase "five writhing beauties hot for each other" should be
"five writhing beauties hot for one another," since *each other* applies
only to two.

	-- Sean O'Brien, Rathfarnham, D14

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 09:45:51 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: ShopTalk for Wed, Nov 2, 1994

	What is the difference between a lawyer and a spermatozoan?
	Very simple.  The spermatozoan has one chance in 6 million
	to become a human being."

		  William Kunstler on "Last Call"

In the news: Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on Francisco
Duran, the upholster who shot at the White House on
Saturday: "We knew he wasn't a postal worker, since he got
the address right."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the investigation of Duran: "The
FBI thinks that Duran acted alone. But Oliver Stone thinks
there was a second upholsterer in the Rose Graden.

Comedy writer Bob Mills on the shooting: "The NRA is now
claiming that Duran was just trying to honor President
Clinton with a 21-clip salute.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 29 Oct 1994 14:56:35 -0700
From: jonpugh@netcom.com (Jon Pugh)
Subject: Sig of the day
To: spaf

Sig of the day:

>Gavin Kistner, aka The Rabid Yak, aka RabYak  ftp/talk/finger @152.3.114.125
>Wld smebd tl m wt' so grt abut lssy cmprsn lgrhms?  Id't hnk her ry cl..

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 21:23:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The power of an upright ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: shamson@clam.rutgers.edu (Susan Hamson)
Subject: Next, on Donahue

This morning on the Donahue Show, in an hour devoted to viewer mail, Phil 
read a letter from a concerned viewer very concerned over the 
show's commercial "bad timing."  

Apparantly during a show about penile implants a commercial for 
the Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner aired with the promo line:  "The power of 
an upright in the palm of your hand."

Who says daytime TV can't be funny?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 09:35:15 -0700
From: jangus@netcom.com (Jeffrey D. Angus)
Subject: This is just too weird.....
To: spaff

I found this over in alt.sex.bestiality
from someone known only as frenchie@maple


	I do odd jobs.  I'm not talking about mowing people's lawns or such. 
I'm talking about odd jobs.  ODD jobs.  This is the story of one of them.
	My manager Lawerence Hassie; "Classy" Lawerence Hassie as he insisted
that his workers call him, called me up at one thirty in the morning.  Normally 
I would be asleep.  But tonight was different.  Hollywood Hot Tubs was on.  
	When an important person (heads of state, celebs, etc.) needed
something done they would call Hassie.  He was like Charlie on Charlie's
Angels; 'cept fatter.  Hassie and I had a symbiotic relationship:  he made a
living off them, I made a living off of him.  I was like the E. Coli worm
living in a remora's shit.
	I was supposed to meet the client in room 4322 in the Hollywood Palms
Hotel.  It was one of the discreet little dens of inquity where everything goes
and nobody tells. I knew it well.
	The "Classy One" wouldn't give me any details over the phone.  You
never know who could be listening.  But that was OK by me.  Amateurs need
scripts.  Pros like me, well, we improv.
	When I arrived at the door of hotel room.  I noticed something very
peculiar.  It was quiet.  Too quiet.  I know that sounds cliche but it was the
truth.  Most of the jobs I've done involve a lot of kicking and screaming. 
Removing the snake from the rectum without losing the colon; getting the midget
down off of the ceiling, and such.  Very loud situations.  I put my ear to the
door.  Nothing.
	I took out my trusty Walther PPK.  Old Miss Sugar I called her.  I gave
her a little kiss on the barrel, cocked the trigger, and kicked the door down.
	I startled the small nude oriental man who was sitting in front of me
with a poodle stuck to his face.  The poodle's legs were spread eagle and he
looked extremely confused.  The man looked embarassed.
	Continued...

[Repeat after me:  some people have too much free time on their
hands...  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 15:50:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: This message illegally encrypted
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
Forwarded-by: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com>
Forwarded-by: Dave Baxter <baxter>

 Anders Bostr|m		EE at Royal Institute of Technology, Stockholm, Sweden
 N{mndemannav{gen 132	E-Mail:	anders@elixir.e.kth.se	Phone:  +46 8 53178410
 145 57  Norsborg	URL:	http://www2.e.kth.se/~anders/www/anders.html
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 | As a protest against the recent bunch proposed anti-cryptograph           |
 | laws, this message has been doubly encrypted using the rot13 algorithm.   |
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 29 Oct 1994 13:41:17 -0700
From: jonpugh@netcom.com (Jon Pugh)
Subject: What's in a name?
To: spaf

>Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
>
>I am a Senior at the University of North Carolina doing a research project
>on OO Cobol.  I was wondering if anyone in this newsgroups could give me some
>information on who I might contact by way of E-mail, phone, or whatever for
>some answers to a few questions.  I would gladly place your name as a source in
>the paper.  Any help that I can get would be great.

This inspires me to summarize a thread from comp.sys.mac.programmer wherein
a discussion of C++ indicated that it was named simply as an increment of
C.  That meant that an OO FORTRAN should be FORTRAN+1, OO COBOL should be
named ADD ONE TO COBOL and Object Pascal should be named Succ(Pascal).

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Nov 1994 12:36:41 -0800
From: Bradford.Wetmore@EBay.Sun.COM (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Yucks:  New Nuclear Storage Facilities
To: spaf

This was in the RISKS digest this week.  Talk about just rewards...

In another incident, the radioactive coolant water was being drained
from a reactor.  This submarine (not the Gitarro) was in drydock.  The
usual procedure is to cut a hole in the hull and run the water out a
pipe into a cement mixer.  The radioactive water is used to make cement
and trucked to Hanford, Washington (about 800 miles) for "disposal".

...

the above mentioned cement mixer was stolen by the truck driver
assigned to deliver the radioactive concrete to Hanford.  He was caught
- after he had used the mixer to pour a backyard patio at his house.

[Good idea -- he doesn't need a bug zapper or patio lights.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 29 Oct 1994 18:32:35 +0059 (EDT)
From: "Craig O'Donnell" <dadadata@world.std.com>
To: El Yuck Supremo <spaf>

Boston Globe, 10/29:

Man Dies After Berating Council
-------------------------------

In Montville Connecticut, a man came to a city council meeting and 
complained about the cost of paramedics and ambulance service.

Jim Whitehead, 65, complained about paying for both ambulance service and 
a separate bill for paramedics. The Mayor explained that the paramedics 
are better trained than the town's fire department and can use a 
defibrillator and other emergency medications.

Mayor: "If it cost a million dollars, wouldn't it be worth it to you?"

Whitehead: "No, it wouldn't !!!  OK !!! ???"

Moments later, Whitehead got up from his chair and walked to the back of 
the room where he collapsed.

Despite the efforts of _paramedics_, he died.
..

I guess this falls under "You WON'T take it with you."

[Actually, it may be an argument in favor of them not being paid as
much.... --spaf]

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------