[Prev][Next][Index]

Yucks Digest V4 #32 (shorts)




Yucks Digest                Thu,  3 Nov 94       Volume 4 : Issue  32 

Today's Topics:
             ... helped "back-engineer" alien technology
                ... resulting in additional paperwork
                              .signature
              A clever, albeit stupid name for a package
                       A fresh start for Haiti
                       bill 'n' hill online now
                           Found Art in VMS
             From the "Whatever Happened To..." category
                      Geniuses in California??!!
                    Good news for cats -- sort of
                 I'm not sure what it means out here
                 imminent death of the net predicted
                  Ingratitude (in-grate-t/y/ood) n.
                       may I take your order ?
                No conspiracy theory here, of course.
                            Nun shall pass
                            QOTD (5 msgs)
                           Quote of the day
                         Run away!  Run away!
                               Safe Fax
                            Sig O' the Day
                        sig of the time slice
                           Student Blooper
                           subscribe (fwd)
                          The Latest Trends!
         The Princeton Review responds to losing `Kaplan.Com'
                       Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
                           Trial By Costume
                        Umberto Eco on micros
                   Undergraduate posting of the day
                     What digest was that again?
               Why Mickey's face has all those dimples
                        Win a few, lose a few
                   Your government dollars at work
                       your version of Primmer
                         Yucks Digest V4 #25

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu//1Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 09:59:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... helped "back-engineer" alien technology
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

>From the September 28 San Jose Mercury News:

Yours to make: model UFOs

Newsweek

   At top-secret areas, on the Nellis Air Force Range in Nevada,
the United States is hiding nine spacecraft from the Zeta
Reticuli star system.

   If you buy that, you can also pony up for the Testor Corp.'s
scale replica of one of the ships, based on descriptions from Bob
Lazar, a physicist who, the company says, helped "back-engineer"
alien technology for the feds.

   The Illinois-based hobby-kit company says the model is no proof
of UFOs.  Still, when Testor designs, techies listen: In the mid-'80s,
Testor stunned the pentagon by producing an eerily accurate model
of the super-secret Stealth fighter.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 Oct 1994 05:58:15 -0700
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: ... resulting in additional paperwork
To: eniac-yucks@prudence.fof.org

>Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 20:04:00 -0359
>From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
>Subject: ... resulting in additional paperwork
>
>Forwarded-by: steve_byrne@taligent.com  Fri Sep 16 15:35:45 1994
>
>    This was found on the back of Virginia Form DMHMR 562-11A-38revA:
>
>    In order to request a change to the forms management form
>    change form, submit a forms change request form or the forms
>    management form change form to the forms management supervisor.
>    Do not use the request for forms change form, or the forms
>    management form change form itself, as these will be forwarded
>    to the forms management supervisor through the forms management
>    form alteration process, resulting in additional paperwork.

This one is apocryphal.  I know, because I made it up in 1986 and
posted it to the local "stupid" mailing list at Georgia Tech.  Looks
like it's received some wider distribution....

[Sometimes we believe Scott himself is apocryphal... --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 6 Oct 94 00:04:03 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: .signature
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
To: spaf

=>          --
=>       __/o \_	A woman goes to the doctor with severely skinned
=>       \____  \	knees. The doctor asks what happened, and she says
=>           /   \      she's been having sex doggy style. He says she
=>     __   //\   \     should be smart enough to have sex some other
=>  __/o \-//--\   \_/  way than doggy style. She replies that she was
=>  \____  ___  \  |    was, but her doggy wasn't.
=>       ||   \ |\ |  
=>      _||   _||_||   Vinnie Jordan is vinniej@sco.com

[I wonder what Vinnie has on his business cards?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 14 Oct 1994 11:00:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A clever, albeit stupid name for a package
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>

Talking about the security package named "Satan"....

 
From: Marcus J Ranum <mjr@tis.com>
Date: Thu, 13 Oct 1994 20:50:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: New location for satan?
 
barry@singnet.com.sg writes:
> Can someone E-mail the new location of satan?
 
        Hell isn't on the 'net yet, since their fibre links keep melting
down. They've got one heck of a firewall, though -- and you should *see*
the syslog demon on that machine...
 

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 13 Oct 1994 17:36:55 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A fresh start for Haiti
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@cygnus.com>
Forwarded-by: brendan@cygnus.com (Brendan Kehoe)

From: michael@wired.com (Michael Gold)

Word is out that President Aristede has decided what his first
official act will be when he resumes power next week.

A close aide reports that Aristede plans to change the name of
the Haitian capital to an unpronouncable graphic symbol, which will
be referred to as "Port-au-City-Formerly-Known-As-Prince".

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Oct 1994 09:51:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ginger Ogle <ginger@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: bill 'n' hill online now
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU

And Socks too:  http://www.whitehouse.gov/

[Check it out.  There's even a Socks audio file attached. --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 19 Sep 1994 17:49:30 GMT
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Found Art in VMS

The new VMS systems have a facility which will randomly pick pronounceable
passwords for users.  It has some built-in code to prevent it from picking
something obscene, and taking apart the binaries, I managed to locate the
obscene word list:

ostiashostiacabronmamonpichacojo      spanish
nesmaricontetaculocacapedomarica      spanish
follarjodercipotemierdapismearca
garcoponcapulloscapullogilipolla
sgilipoyaspollaspollapoyaspoyapu
tasputatisstispesvinrunkronkrass
pultpulpromppikkkukknulljukkehel
veteforpultfittefandenfanfaendri
ttdritedjevelballeverdommekevera      dutch
arsreetbilgatkonthomomietpotpoot      dutch
flikkerkutstrontke{engeilnaaineu      dutch
ktutdelslethoertrut{akklootsnikk      dutch
elpiklulfuqniggertitsbitchcunthe      dutch + english
llasshfuckfukshit                     english


[Yes, but how do you pronounce that?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Oct 1994 11:48:54 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From the "Whatever Happened To..." category
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

>From ShopTalk for Oct 26, 1994

   American Journal reported Monday that Fawn Hall, who is undergoing
   treatment for cocaine addiction, is pretty upset with her old boss
   Oliver North for abandoning her.  "He never calls, he never writes,"
   says reporter Chuck Conconi.  "here's a woman who shredded
   documents...who was incredibly loyal to this man, and yet (he)
   never said, `thank you.'"  North declined an invitation to Hall's
   wedding to rock musician Danny Sugarman last year.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 10:25:42 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Geniuses in California??!!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: Barbara <73300.164@compuserve.com>
From:  Thom Monticue [75006,3640]

On Sunday, October 2th, I watched Dr. David Suzuki on the
Discover Channel talking about the human brain in a show called
"The Universe Within."

At one point in the show, towards the end, Suzuki interviewed
Dr. Francis Crick (of DNA fame).  Dr. Crick was introduced
thusly:

External shot of a clear sky over a calm ocean.  An ultralight
or parasail is in the background.  The view pans back to take
in the concrete structure of the Scripts Institute in La Jolla.
Voice over of Dr. Suzuki:  "Sunny southern California.  Not the
place you'd expect to find one of the world's leading geniuses."

About 15 seconds later, I wondered, "Hey, man!! Was I, like,
you know, insulted?"

I had to think about it -- How many surfing rocket scientists
do you know (Like, that wave reminds me of a static pressure
solution to the boundary layer problem of, like, the Shuttle,
dude!)? Or mall-hopping computer scientists (Well, we went, you
know, like shopping for shoes and then went to, like, Radio
Shack and got some killer SIMMs for the Cray, you know?)? Or
Tanning champion brain specialists (Hey, man, I finished up that
lyposcectamy of the parietal lobe just in time to catch the
semis at Malibu, dude!)?

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 04 Oct 1994 07:03:44 -0500
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: Good news for cats -- sort of
To: spaf, lsmith@cli.com

   Gene, this might be of interest to an old friend...
   (heck, I never realized that there was a 140 million poung a year
    market like that ....  amazing!)


LONDON (Reuter) - A British company said Sunday it had
patented a vaccine for neutering male cats that could make the
vet's scalpel a thing of the past.

Proteus International, which specializes in designing drugs
by computer, said its tests showed the vaccine to be an
effective method of stopping sperm production in cats.

``It also shrinks the testicles, but arguably it is better
to have shrunken testicles than no testicles at all,'' Proteus,
based in Macclesfield, northern England, said in a statement for
publication Monday.

The firm said it was carrying out further tests to see how
long the vaccine lasts and whether its effects can be reversed.

Proteus valued the potential worldwide cat castration market
at 140 million pounds ($220 million) a year and said its vaccine
could be used in the longer term to neuter dogs and even pigs
and cattle.

[Hmm, How long before Lorena Bobbitt gets a vial and needle?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Oct 1994 12:32:20 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'm not sure what it means out here
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: <joeha@microsoft.com>

[Excerpts from] WhiteBoard News for October 24, 1994

Hollywood, California:

"I don't know.  I don't know what it means.  It means one thing
in prison, but I'm not sure what it means out here.  All I know
is that when I suggested it, a couple of very important people
shot very expensive mineral water through their noses."

Tim Allen, star of television's Home Improvement, when asked to
explain the title of his book, "Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked
Man".
==========

London, England:

A Carlsburg beer television commercial starring Brigette Nielsen
has been banned in Britain.

It shows her boringly serving beer to a herd of sheepish sheep
until she's titillated by the arrival of a sheep dog and takes
to impressing him by removing the beer-bottle cap with her
breasts.
==========

New York conservation officers were poised to raid Chinatown
stores and seize folk remedies, derived from tigers,
rhinoceroses and other endangered species.  Then a forensics
lab advised the state to hold off.  The package said "rhino."
The test results said "Jell-O."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 10 Oct 1994 09:55:02 -0500
From: Matt Crawford <crawdad@munin.fnal.gov>
Subject: imminent death of the net predicted
To: Any Yak <eniac

Edupage sez:

KINDERNET
An MIT study predicts the median age of Internet users will drop from 26 to
15 within the next five years. (Bottom Line Personal 10/15/94 p.10)


I say:
 ... and 85% of internet users will not notice the difference.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 09:36:47 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ingratitude (in-grate-t/y/ood) n.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Daniel Carosone <danielce@ee.mu.oz.au>

Here's something from the `Odd Spot' a regular front-page
feature in our local paper, yesterday's edition:

	One of the world's rarest falcons, rescued from
	near-extinction in Mauritius by a wildlife charity,
	has eaten one of the world's rarest pigeons as
	it was released into the wild.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Oct 94 13:34:58 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: may I take your order ?
To: spaf

 The Efficient Waiter

 A man who had come into some money needed a tax write-off, so he bought a
 restaurant that was losing money.  After a few months, he decided he liked
 the restaurant and wanted to make a go of it.  So he hired an efficiency
 expert.
 "I'm going on vacation for three weeks," he told the efficiency expert.
 "When I get back, I want to see that restaurant operating in the black."
 Three weeks go by, and our friend returns from vacation.  He disguises
 himself, goes to the restaurant, and gets a table.  The place is a beehive of
 activity--tables filled, waiters coming and going.
 A waiter soon comes to our friend's table to take his order.  As he's giving
 his order, the owner notices a spoon in the waiter's breast pocket.
 "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" he asks.
 "Oh, that's the efficiency expert's idea," replies the waiter.  "You see,
 customers often need an extra spoon for their meal, and the waiter's station
 is in the back of the restaurant.  By carrying a spoon in our pockets, we
 save time and serve the customers better."
 The owner thought about this, and was pleased with the change in attitude.
 As the waiter turned to go, the owner stopped him again.
 "Excuse me, but I notice that you have a piece of string hanging out of your
 fly," he said to the waiter.
 "Oh, that's the efficiency expert's idea, too," the waiter replied.  "You
 see, we often have to use the restroom during our shift, and state law
 requires that we wash our hands every time we go to the bathroom.  By using
 the string, I don't have to touch myself, so I don't have to wash my hands.
 This saves a lot of time."
 "Well," said the owner, "I can see how you get it out with the string, but
 how do you put it back?"
 "Well sir," said the waiter, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use
 my spoon."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 10:39:32 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: No conspiracy theory here, of course.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
From:    "David Brebner (brebner)" <brebner@sequent.com>
Subject: Shock finding !!!!!!!

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means
the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the
ASCII-values you will get the following:

B    I    L    L    G    A    T    E    S    3
66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 Oct 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: Martyn.Amos@dcs.warwick.ac.uk (Martyn Amos)
Subject: Nun shall pass
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself.
"Holy Mother of God!", exclaimed the Mother Superior. "Sister! Show him
your cross!" So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and
shouts "Fuck Off!"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 10:26:30 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
From: cpsr-announce@sunnyside.com

I think we should adjourn now ... the country is safer when
we're not in session.

		-- Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) on C-SPAN

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 11:54:36 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Part of a discussion of "free" software:

From: nate@beaker.med.yale.edu (Nathan Price)

	My dog was free when I got him, too, but unfortunately
	he didn't come with a support contract, so I'm stuck
	with the vet bills.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 14 Oct 1994 10:31:54 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: matthew green <mrg@mame.mu.OZ.AU>

I got a tab of BSD, man!  It makes you see really cool
networking things!
	    --Tom Spindler

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 14 Oct 1994 11:03:44 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself
a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about
repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in
the struggle for independence.
		-- C.A. Beard

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Oct 1994 11:44:23 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)

Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be
bigger than World War II.  Oh, great... more Time-Life books.

		--Jay Leno

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 13 Oct 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

		I'M DYSFUNCTIONAL, YOU'RE DYSFUNCTIONAL

 This month the _Nose_ magazine provides a participatory exercise in the 
 mass-marketing of neurosis.  In a slightly different take on self-help 
 books and daily meditations, here are a few aphorisms listed in the _Daily 
 Denegration_:

 - I am no more significant than the person sitting next to me on the bus.
 - When I feel empowered, I try to remember that someday I too will grow 
   old and die.
 - Today, I will rejoice in my own existence by being curt and surly.
 - Addictive behaviour provides me with a sense of permanence; each cigarette
   represnts another segment on the karmic wheel.

 (Quoted in the _Ottawa Citizen_ newspaper, August 13, 1994)

    Submitted by:   Della Kirkham <dkirkham@ccs.carleton.ca>
                    Sep. 3, 1994

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Oct 1994 19:01:57 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Run away!  Run away!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

  From a personals ad in the October 22 *Vancouver Sun*,
  in the "Female Seeks Male" section:

	48 years young, Roseanne type, ...

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 6 Oct 94 13:23:06 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: Safe Fax
To: spaf

                         GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q:   DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A:   Although married people fax quite often, there are many
      single people who fax complete strangers every day.


Q:   MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND
     WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY
     WERE TWENTYONE.  HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE
     BEFORE THEY CAN FAX ?
A:   Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the
     correct procedure.


Q:   IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A:   Certainly not, as far as we can see.


Q:   THERE  IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY
     FOR FAX.  IS THIS LEGAL?
A:   Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives
     and Must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax
     become too great.


Q:   SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A:   Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a
     cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
 

Q:   WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX
     PREMATURELY?
A:   Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't
     faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won't
     mind if you try again.


Q:   I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS
     BECOME MIXED UP?
A:   Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
     cover with each one, you won't transmit anything You're not
     supposed to.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 10 Oct 1994 20:38:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sig O' the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

C++ is to C as Lung Cancer is to Lung

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 Oct 94 18:36:44 EDT
From: lcs@harlequin.com
Subject: sig of the time slice
To: silent-tristero

[see in a comp newsgroup:]

-- 
Thought for the day:
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any
good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
                -- Howard Aiken

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 5 Oct 94 23:44:26 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Student Blooper
Newsgroups: sci.edu
To: spaf

In news article <36suks$95@newsbf01.news.aol.com> stevep5738@aol.com writes:
=> A student passed in her lab with the following procedure highlighted  " Be
=> careful to heat the test tube genitally." I had her clean her own
=> glassware.

if he isn't cleaning her tubes, he obviously does not have too much
time on his hands  (-:

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 23:22:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: subscribe (fwd)
To: yucks

I've become an Internet service.

Forwarded message:

>From mmiller@csulb.edu  Tue Oct 11 22:28:58 1994
>From: Michael Holzmiller <mmiller@csulb.edu>
>Subject: subscribe
>To: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu
>Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 19:56:49 -0700 (PDT)
>
>subscribe rsk Michael Holzmiller
>
>

I can't wait for the Prodigy hordes to join the net next month.

[I've sent mail to you sometimes, rsk, and you most often
resemble "discard".  :-)  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Oct 1994 09:40:44 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Latest Trends!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-By: "Ken Iisaka" <kiisaka@morgan.com>

"Smalltalk Goes Object Oriented"
	-- INFORMATIONWEEK, August 8, 1994, pg. 58

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 Oct 1994 09:30:56 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Princeton Review responds to losing `Kaplan.Com'
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

Today's NYT (10/6/94) contained an article by Peter H. Lewis entitled
``Call Me General Motors: That May End on Internet'' (page C1) that
describes how an arbitration panel decided that The Princeton Review could
no longer hold the domain name kaplan.com (Kaplan is their chief
competitor in the SAT preparation business).    Allegedly the Princeton
Review folks were using kaplan.com to solicit and dissemenate information
about how bad the Kaplan folks were.  The arbitration procedure occurred
on Tuesday (10/4).

Today the Princeton Review responded on the net.  I found it so amusing
that I thought I'd pass it right on.

Enjoy,

>Date: Thu, 06 Oct 1994 08:47 EST
>From: JOHN.TPR@review.com (John Katzman)
>To: cyberia-l@eagle.birds.wm.edu, com-priv@psi.com
>Subject: Kaplan.Com Finds a Home
>
>Well, our arbitration panel has ruled that The Princeton Review has to 
>give up our favorite internet domain, KAPLAN.COM.
>
>As most of you guessed, our point in registering the domain was to annoy 
>Kaplan.  Clearly, we've done that.  At the same time, though, we wanted 
>to underline the fact that their sense of innovation consists of copying 
>our courses, marketing materials, electronic materials, etc.  When they 
>come on line, they'll be the second company to do business as Kaplan.Com, 
>just as they've been the second company to do everything else.
>
>Now that we're done, I can tell you all that we *did* offer to sell 
>Kaplan Test Prep the name for a case of beer (imported OR domestic).  
>Unfortunately, these guys have no sense of humor, no vision, and no beer.
>
>I apologize if we helped opened a Pandora's box.  We did *not* mean to 
>make InterNIC's life a living hell (by the way, has anyone registered 
>InterNIC.COM yet?).
>
>John@Review.Com
>"The Future Owner of KRaplan.Com"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 10:04:51 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
 10. "I'm down here"
  9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a  sissy"
  8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
  7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
  6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
  5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
  4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
      at Keebler"
  3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
  2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
  1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"

                -- Late Night with David Letterman

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Oct 1994 13:11:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Trial By Costume
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: beepy@supernova (Brian Pawlowski)
Forwarded-by: joyce@deco.csd.sgi.com Fri Oct 21 11:51:43 1994

Source:  Metro, October 20-26, pg. 9.

Polis Report
============

Trial By Costume

Further evidence of the degradation of American culture, and a new low
for L.A.:  O.J. Simpson masks and assorted gory paraphernalia are this
year's outre Halloween getup.

We vowed not to write another word about the trial, but this was too
perverse to pass up.  Apparently, some hucksters down in La La Land are
selling the likeness of the former football star along with a short Afro
wig and bloody butcher knife.  Forget about all that innocent until proven
guilty stuff; down in L.A. it's trial by costume.

South Bay retailers *aren't* running an O.J. special this Halloween, but
it's not because they don't want to.  Some would love to get their hands
on the costume, reporting that they've had numerous queries.

One San Jose retailer confided that there isn't actually an O.J. mask for
sale in L.A., but that some unscrupulous stores are selling Mike Tyson
masks as O.J. masks."  He found that nuance more appalling than the O.J.
costume itself...

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Oct 94 12:57:57 EDT
From: kclark@koan.ctron.com (The Dining Philosopher)
Subject: Umberto Eco on micros
To: spaf

[long list of forwards axed]

 The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto
 Eco's back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian news
 weekly "Espresso," September 30, 1994.


 ...."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new
 underground religious war which is modifying the modern world.  It's
 an old idea of mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it
 they immediately agree with me.

         "The fact is that the world is divided between users of the
 Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers.  I am
 firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is
 Protestant.  Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been
 influenced by the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits.  It is cheerful,
 friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed
 step by step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in
 which their document is printed.  It is catechistic:  the essence of
 revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons.
 Everyone has a right to salvation.

  "DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic.  It allows free
 interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions,
 imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted
 the idea that not all can reach salvation.  To make the system work
 you need to interpret the program yourself:  a long way from the
 baroque community of revellers, the user is closed within the
 loneliness of his own innter torment.

  "You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe
 has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of
 the Macintosh.  It's true:  Windows represents an Anglican-style
 schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the
 possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with
 bizarre decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow
 women and gays to be ministers if you want to.
 ....

  "And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or
 environments, if you prefer)?  Ah, that is to do with the Old
 Testament, and is talmudic and cabalistic..."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Oct 1994 21:34:47 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Undergraduate posting of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: luidensn@river.it.gvsu.edu (Nita Luidens)
Newsgroups: comp.arch
Subject: Pipelining
Date: 22 Oct 1994 13:24:26 GMT

Please post everything you know about pipelining and hazards.

Thank you.

:       wq

[Well, trying to line existing sewer pipes can expose you to explosive
methane...  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 10 Oct 1994 11:23:26 -0500
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@healthcare.com>
Subject: What digest was that again?
To: bob

Here's one that appeared in the Homebrew Beer Digest this morning.
Names have been changed to protect something.  Maybe a lost cause?
Anyway,  can someone explain the relationship between the subject
line, the contents and the actual digest topic?  Can someone explain
the relationship between Dillon and Valerie?

------------------------------------------------

Date:  7 Oct 94  8:54:43 ES
From: <someone>
Subject: Mail order beer

Hi <another-person>,

Why do I watch 90210?  It only aggravates me!!!  I tried to call you Wednesday 
during a commercial, but there was no answer.  That show id getting sooo 
predictable.  You predicted three weeks ago that Andrea would catch Jessie 
flirting.  I predicted two weeks ago that Kelly would catch Dillon and 
Valerie.  We predicted that Brandon's friend was going to die.  They need to 
get some new writers.  Maybe we could apply for the job!!  I bet we would do a 
better job.

What is up for tonight?  Write back and let me know.

See ya!!!

    <A confused sender, different from <someone>>

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 12:40:24 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why Mickey's face has all those dimples
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: lee@pixar.com (Lee Unkrich)

Most of you are probably aware that traditional animators
have for a long time worked their magic by drawing on layers
of cellulite.

	-- Adam Levine, president of Specular, Inc., at a product
	   demo for his company's Macintosh modeling/animation
	   software.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 8 Oct 1994 17:23:34 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Win a few, lose a few
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: "strick@yak.net" <strick@yak.net>

A friend at apple <brat@apple.com> tells an anecdote of a
presentation that someone from [creator of PASCAL] Wirth's
research project LILITH was giving at Apple.

LILITH is a "dynamic" programming environment, in the style Tim
was describing.  Like it's got browsers and classes and
instances and inspectors and interpreted-like class definitions
and looks a lot like the smalltalk environment does.

At the end of the talk, someone from the audience stands up and asks
something to this effect:

 -- You claim your system is object-oriented

	-- Yes

 -- but it doesn't have late binding

	-- right

 -- and it doesn't have garbage collection

	-- right

 -- and it doesn't have ...

and he goes on to accuse the system of not having a lot of the
things that Smalltalk has.


 -- then it's not really object-oriented after all, is it?


	-- well, who's to say what object-oriented is?


 -- I am.   I'm Alan Kay, and I coined the term.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 13 Oct 1994 09:40:27 EDT
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (D. W. James)
Subject: Your government dollars at work
To: eniac

}Subject: NASA will pay YOU to cruise the Net for 7 months
}From: kjenks@sd-www.jsc.nasa.gov (Kenneth C. Jenks)
}Date: 10 Oct 1994 19:29:36 GMT
}Organization: NASA/JSC/SD5, Space Biomedical Research Institute
}Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
 
}We're looking for more bed rest subjects, this time for some really
}long-term research.  To get a wider pool of volunteers, we'll accept
}applications from outside of the Houston area.  I'll ensure that
}you have a link to the Internet, so all you have to do is eat,
}sleep, exercise, and cruise the 'Net, watch videotapes, play computer
}games, whatever.  You'll be confined to bed for the entire duration
}as a test subject for various biomedical studies we're doing.
 
}Must be 21 - 50 years of age, and non-smokers.  For more information,
}please call KRUG Life Sciences, (713) 212-1492.
 
}-- Ken Jenks, NASA/JSC/SD561, Space Biomedical Research Institute
}      kjenks@gothamcity.jsc.nasa.gov  (713) 483-4368

I'd be interested, but only if it were a permanent position...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Oct 1994 10:53:00 -0800 (PST)
From: Jack.Hailey@SEN.CA.GOV
Subject: your version of Primmer
To: spaf

the state Senate uses your May 5 1992 version of the
USENET primer (original author Chuq Von Rospach)

you might be entertained by this poem, a propos, 
"that's a human on the other end"

           Sonnet 116

Let me not to the flaming of true minds 
Admit impediments.  Flames are not flames
Which alter when they criticism find
Or bend -- it's their intent to stab and maim.
Oh yes! they are an ever-burning roast
That looks on mildness and is never shaken,
They are the plague to every vulnerable post
Who's worth is challenged and its point not taken.
Flames aren't Time's fool, though nasty quips and flays
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Flames alter not with his brief hours and days
But hold on to their heat to edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me blam'd
I never typ'd nor no man ever flam'd.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 9 Oct 94 15:15:46 CDT
From: jfh@rpp386.cactus.org (John F. Haugh II)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #25
To: yucks

> Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 16:26:37 -0400
> From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
> Subject: And the Funky Hostname Award for this week goes to:
> To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
> 
> Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
> 
> From: Egotists Anonymous (koreth@spud.Hyperion.COM)
> Subject: And the Funky Hostname Award for this week goes to:
> 
> 129_179_75_12.cdc.com
> 
> Now, I've heard of uncreative host naming, but that's ridiculous.
> 
> [At least they didn't use the Ethernet address.  -spaf]

This is wrong -- I checked:

risc-> host 129_179_75_12.cdc.com
host: 0827-801 Host name 129_179_75_12.cdc.com does not exist.
risc-> host 129.179.75.12
alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com is 129.179.75.12
risc-> host alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com
alias-129-179-75-12.cdc.com is 129.179.75.12

[Okay, so it isn't so ridiculous -- they used dashes instead of
underlines.  --spaf]

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------