Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Tue, 20 Sep 94       Volume 4 : Issue  27 

Today's Topics:
                ... resulting in additional paperwork
                        ... they're a bargain
          ... which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit
                       Are you ready for kids?
                    attack by... killer slugs....
                     Bootlicking, Canadian style
                       Creative plea bargaining
                           help wanted....
                       How to attract voters...
                      Items from WhiteBoard News
       Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of oil...
                      Mastering the Martial Arts
                            Motorola CDMP
                         Programmer Evolution
                             Purple Pain
                            QOTD (2 msgs)
                           Quote of the day
                       Roadside drug of choice
                             Speed Traps
                            Tasty headline
             TiReD-WiReD Server (magazine parody via Web)
                     YUCKS: Re; Quote of the day
                     Zander, huh?  I'll fix him.

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 20:04:00 -0359
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... resulting in additional paperwork
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: plocher@coke.Eng.Sun.COM (John Plocher)
Forwarded-by: steve_byrne@taligent.com  Fri Sep 16 15:35:45 1994

    This was found on the back of Virginia Form DMHMR 562-11A-38revA:

    In order to request a change to the forms management form
    change form, submit a forms change request form or the forms
    management form change form to the forms management supervisor.
    Do not use the request for forms change form, or the forms
    management form change form itself, as these will be forwarded
    to the forms management supervisor through the forms management
    form alteration process, resulting in additional paperwork.


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 12:52:22 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... they're a bargain
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Mike O'Dell" <mo@uunet.uu.net>
From: "Louis A. Mamakos" <louie@alter.net>

Washington Post:

In the Sunday Business section, "Snuffing Out Smoking In the U.S.
Workplace", there is a discussion on the economic impact of workers
that smoke and the extra cost to employers.  A dissenting view is

	Duke Univeristy economist W. Kip Vicscusi, who has written
	extensively on the economics of smoking, said he doesn't think
	smoking in the workpace is all that expensive to employers.

	"If you want to look at the costs imposed by smokers", Viscusi
	says, "you have to look at all insurance costs, not just
	health costs.  At least from a societal standpoint, smokers
	actually save us money because they die sooner, and if you have
	a pension plan, they're a bargain.  It's a morbid thought, but
	that's the way it plays out."  Viscusi is to testify at the
	OSHA hearings.

[Inside every cloud of tobacco smoke we find a silver lining... --spaf]


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 15:49:19 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

Herb Caen's column in the September 14, 1994 San Francisco
Chronicle quotes a review of a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc
from some Australian source, describing the wine as being
"like bungee-jumping into a bottomless pit full of gooseberry
leaves while strapped to Elle McPherson."

[Sounds like something I need to try.  I also might like to try the
wine, too.  --spaf]


Date: Sat, 17 Sep 1994 22:36:51 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Are you ready for kids?
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

Date:    Tue, 13 Sep 1994 14:17:39 +0500
From:    Ashwin Desai <ashwin@ATRIA.COM>

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nusery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to
have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up
the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.
Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am
and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the
alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for
5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish
finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your
fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make
an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and
go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish
this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to
be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman
Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.


Date: Thu, 15 Sep 1994 13:33:35 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: attack by... killer slugs....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: allanh@z-code.com (Allan J. Heim)
Forwarded-by: charless@sco.com (Charlie Stross)

From: nick@nick01.demon.co.uk (Nick de Smith)
Subject: F*****g Hell...
Organization: his office


Last Thursday, I wandered over to my office at about 8AM, turned on the
PC, and tried to collect my mail/news. The little USR Sportster 14.4 lying
on the floor behind it gave a sort of strangled cry, and did not dial. I
tried all the usual stuff - powered it off - tapped it lightly - tapped
it rather more heavily - kicked it - screamed abuse at it... all to no
avail.  It was dead.  F**k. However, it was less that a year old... USR
have a warranty on all modems which is at least year (actually its 5), so
I sent it back to them.  Nice people. On Friday, I get a 'phone call from
a nice man at USR, Simon B.

SB:     Mr. de Smith? Its about your Sportster...
NMdS:   Yes?
SB:     Where do you keep this modem?
NMdS:   Eh? On the floor, behind the PC.
SB:     Not near a window is it?
NMdS:   No, about 10 foot away. Why?
SB:     Ummm. Ever opened this modem, have you?
NMdS:   No. Is there some problem?
SB:     Well... it like this. I afraid your modem isn't covered
        by warranty.
NMdS:   I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that...
SB:     We're sorry too, but the USR warranty doesn't cover
        attack by...killer slugs....
NMdS:   You jest, surely? How long has the slug been there?
SB:     Look, we're electronic engineers, NOT biologists. Its a
        slug. It's *very* nasty, and its blown up.
NMdS:   Modem dead, is it?
SB:     Same as the slug.

So they sent it back to me - it arrived this afternoon (just
after the Courier Dual standard that I ordered from Demon on
Friday arrived). I open it up... And they were right. Not your
poxy little grey slug. Oh no. This was one of the f*****g great
big orange ones. The smell was just apauling. By following the
trails we deduced it had got in over the DIP switches and then
crawled over the DSP and between the two PCBs, whereupon it

        Modem dead.
        Slug *very* dead.
	Me: 200 quid the worse off (Sportsters were expensive in
	them days).


Nick  nick@nick01.demon.co.uk

PS. It (the modem, not the slug) still responds to AT commands,
so I guess its the PSTN side thats died. Anyone got a Sportster
that doesn't respond to AT commands but seems to be otherwise
ok? Please?

[Anybody got a slug that responds to AT commands?  Nick might
like one of those, too. --spaf]


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 17:00:58 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bootlicking, Canadian style
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>


        -from _HOUR_, Apr.14/94
        as reprinted in _The Newsletter on Civil Liberties_ August 22/94

   In November, _Secret City_ revealed that the Canadian government has
standards on ejaculation.  The government had taken a stand on "excessive

   _Secret City_ operative Harvey Blackman wrote a series of queries
asking the government to explain its policies regarding what ideas are
illegal to import into Canada.  By law, the government had to respond.

   _Secret City_ has discovered that not only does the Canadian
government police images or sentences depicting "excessive ejaculation",
it also has standards for "group ejaculation" and "bootlicking."

   The genuine memo for "group ejaculation" appears below.  It explains
that simultaneous ejaculation by two or more people on one person is an
illegal idea to import into Canada.


    The Canadian government also has a strict policy regarding
"bootlicking."  You are not allowed to import ideas or pictures into
Canada which depict "bootlicking in a sexual context."  According to
Canada Customs Notice N-198, depictions of "submissive acts such as the
licking of another person's boot in a sexual context" are not allowed
into the country.

    To help those who may be participating in illegal bootlicking or are
worried they may import a sentence into the country which contains an
illegal bootlicking description, _Secret City_ has provided both a legal
and an illegal bootlicking sentence.

A)  Illegal:  Reform Party leader Preston Manning lovingly licked Jean
Chretien's boots during question period.

B)  Bootlicking sentence which meets Canadian government standards:  As
he tortured him the dictator forced the prisoner to lick his boots.

        Just thought you all should know.    :)

        I guess Customs decisions must depend on the context.
        "Is it going to glad day books?
        Oh, in that case it may be detained indefinitely at Customs."

Oh, and i'll also include the official government memo....


||*||  Revenue Canada                           Revenu Canada
       Customs, Excise and Taxation             Accise, Douanes, et Impot
       Ottawa, Canada
       K1A 0LE

						March 17, 1994.

Mr. Harvey Blackman
<snip address>

Dear Mr. Blackman:

Thank you for you enquiry of December 8, 1993, in which you  request
further details as to the Department's interpretative policies with
respect to group ejaculation.  I apologize for the delay in responding.

Group ejaculation for Custom's purpose is interpreted as the simultaneous
ejaculation of two or more people on the body of another person.

I trust that this information is of assistance to you.


Joel A. Oliver,
Prohibited Importations Directorate

cc: Michel Cleroux


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 14:55:29 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Creative plea bargaining
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: mazanec@healthcare.com (Bob Mazanec)

>From the February 1992 "Prince George's County Bar Association

    Award Winning Testimony -- "Case-of-the-Month" Contest
    presided over by Judge C. Philip Nichols, Jr.; District
    Court of Maryland

    During a routine docket of traffic cases in the District Court, the
    following scenario develops.

    A University of Maryland police officer had observed an automobile
    driving in circles over the speed bumps in a parking lot on campus.

    The officer noticed two people in the driver's seat, i.e., a female
    who was steering and a male (who was seated under the female) whom
    the officer believed to be operating the foot pedals.

    Both appeared to be intoxicated and failed the field sobriety test
    and chemical test of breath.  Both were charged with drunk driving.

    Midway through the trial, the parties approached the bench and
    stipulated that the officer had also found both of them naked from
    the waist down.  Counsel advised the court of the stipulation because
    the female defendant's mother had flown in from out of state for the
    hearing and counsel did not wish to unnecessarily embarrass anyone.

    Counsel for the parties argued that it would be impossible as a
    matter of law to find two people of driving the same car at the
    same time while intoxicated.

    The Sate's Attorney then offered a plea to reckless driving, which
    was quickly accepted!


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 94 18:19:41 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: help wanted....
To: spaf

> Newsgroups: rec.arts.fine
> From: victor@nettek.com (Victor J Rook)
> As part of our Sensual Gardens conservatory, we hope to build a life-
> size sculpture depicting 4 young nude males encoiled by a giant 
> snake, and another standing in front of the snake's head unaware of 
> his impending doom.  As a fountain, water will trickle from each of 
> the male's penis's into five separate mud pits, all surrounded by a 
> tropical canopy of lush plants, trickling waterfalls, and pathways.
> If you are an artist and would like to draw, paint, or sketch out 
> your concept of the above sculpture, please submit your works for 
> consideration to:

	[address deleted]

[Some people have entirely too much free time... --spaf]


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 14:28:39 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: HOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: ddt@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)

Haiku of the Day (as seen in "Nose" Magazine*):

 My best friend Jim died
 and my Dad was really mean
 Now I must lift weights

 - Henry Rollins (spoken-word poet and heavy metal guitarist/vocalist)

*Hey, I just saw it there on the newsstand, but after 5 minutes of
browsing/skimming, I _still_ couldn't figure out the intended audience...


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 94 12:20:02 EDT
From: apearlma@panix.com (Andy Pearlman)
Subject: How to attract voters...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

In the New York Senate race, the Republican candidate Bernadette Castro was
annoyed at the New York Times magazine's apparent dismissal of her campaign.

"I take exception to your apparent dismissal of my candidacy. (various
wonderful achievements deleted).  And yes, I favor the death penalty for 
murderers of children, law-enforcment officers and all members of our

[An equal-opportunity nihilist.  -spaf]


Date: Tue, 13 Sep 1994 09:13:15 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Items from WhiteBoard News
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: <joeha@microsoft.com>
Of: WhiteBoard News for September 12, 1994

Condom, France:

The southwest town of Condom, a name with Latin roots
linked to the confluence of two rivers, ordered a study
of opening a contraceptives museum to cash in on
foreign tourists' amusement at the name's English

Las Vegas, Nevada:

The winner in a contest to find the funniest reason to
visit Las Vegas wrote: "Because I've been married 36
years and still like to see my husband lose his pants."

Enumclaw, Washington:

Along with the usual riding and roping events found at
most rodeos, the second Greater Northwest International
Gay Rodeo, which wrapped up Sunday at the King County
Fairgrounds in Enumclaw, offers a little something

Among the additional activities are the following

Goat Dressing, in which a team of two contestants catch
a goat, fit a pair of men's jockey shorts over the back
legs and hindquarters, then race back to the starting
line and tag the judge.

Steer Decorating, in which the goal is to tie a ribbon
on the tail of a steer.

Wild Drag, which calls for a three-person team (a man,
a woman and someone in drag).  The cowgirl has to try
to hold the steer in place with a rope while the cowboy
puts the teammate in drag on the steer.  The teammate
must then ride the steer across the finish line.  The
event has a three-minute time limit.


Date: Sat, 17 Sep 1994 11:39:46 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of oil...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dmarcher@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Forwarded-by: mal <mal@sit.sop.fau.edu>

From: tipcat@wam.umd.edu (Frank Young)
Newsgroups: misc.writing
Subject: Re: What's Your Readability?

In article <2va3i4$jlk@nyx10.cs.du.edu>,
John Olsen <jolsen@nyx10.cs.du.edu> wrote:
>iceberg@crl.com (William T Quick) writes:
>> Lordy!  If I can get it down to *second* grade level, I'll bet 
>> I can retire!
>> See spot run.  See Dick run.  See WTQ run.
> You should be able to get the Fog index down by paying just a bit of 
> attention to the big words, and putting a few more periods in.  Just

True story. A former colleague of mine once worked for the United States
Air Force as a logistics specialist. One of his assignments was to edit
a technical manual for airmen who were to use a spectrochromograph to
analyze impurities in various petroleum-based compounds. At about the same
time, he received direct orders to reduce the text of the new manual to
a sixth-grade reading level -- in keeping with the intellects and
education of the men and women who were to conduct the tests. He was
instructed to use the FOG index as a means for determining whether or not
his writing met the specification for the final manual.

Since there is very little that he could do about the technical 
vocabulary that applied to the device, he had to be creative in a 
governmental sort of way.

So he began, "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of oil, 
which is why they needed a spectrochomograph. Jack and Jill came down
the hill, which is why they had to calibrate it..."

His text made it all the way to draft-printing before somebody blew the 
whistle on him. 


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 15:51:45 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mastering the Martial Arts
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

In Herb Caen's column in the September 15, 1994 San Francisco
Chronicle, a reader reports that "The Bay Area's Guide to the
Pefect Wedding" says, on the last page:

	Creating life and neutering one's children so that
	they become an extension into the future is very
	dependent on a good, healthy martial relationship.


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 17:54:10 GMT
From: sdaggett@netrix.com (Steve Daggett)
Subject: Motorola CDMP
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom.tech

In article:

<225329Z12091994@anon.penet.fi>  an115913@anon.penet.fi asks:
>X-Anonymously-To: comp.dcom.telecom.tech
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
>Reply-To: an115913@anon.penet.fi
> (Snip)
>Can anyone give me some information on Motorola CDMP protocol?  
>I've been told that it's used to talk to a Motorola switch, but I 
>can't seem to find any other information about it...
>Thanks in advance for any help,


SWM seeks close contact with obliging telephone switch.  I like 
loop-start signaling, telecommunications, CDMP protocol, and 
hiding my identity.  Please E-Mail your P&P and CDMP protocol 
specifications to an115913@anon.penet.fi.  Please be the "M" to
my "E" lead.  No weirdos...


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 10:42:34 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Programmer Evolution
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <staelin@cello.hpl.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: dsayon@Corp.Megatest.COM (Doris Sayon)

The Evolution of a programmer:

High school/Jr. High

20 END

First year in college

program Hello(input, output);
    writeln ('Hello world');

Senior year in college

(defun hello
        (cons 'HELLO (list 'WORLD))))

New professional

#include <stdio.h>
main (argc,argv)
int argc;
char **argv; {
printf ("Hello World!\n");

Seasoned pro

#include <stream.h>

const int MAXLEN = 80;

class outstring;
class outstring {

   int size;
   char str[MAXLEN];
   outstring() { size=0; }
   ~outstring() {size=0;}
   void print();
   void assign(char *chrs);
void outstring::print() {
  int i;
  for (i=0 ; i< size ; i++)
    cout << str[i];
  cout << "\n";
void outstring::assign(char *chrs) {
  int i;
  for (i=0; chrs[i] != '\0';i++)
     str[i] = chrs[i];

main (int argc, char **argv) {
  outstring string;
  string.assign("Hello World!");


/* George, I need a program to output a string "Hello World!"  */

[This should have been coupled with the article in the last digest
about the GNU "hello world" package. --spaf]


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 15:53:11 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Purple Pain
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

According to a list of the 40 highest-paid entertainers, as
compiled by Forbes magazine, printed in the September 12 San
Jose Mercury News, the 3rd-highest paid entertainer (after
Steven Spielberg, $335 million, and Oprah Winfrey, $105
million), is:

	Barney (Richard Leach, publisher, Sheryl Leach, creator),
	new to list, $84 million

[Evidence of a pact with the Devil, fer sure.  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 11:01:20 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: grue@dgs.dgsys.com (grue)

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God
doesn't love heterosexuals.  It's just that they need more
		-- Lynn Lavner


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 20:07:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com

Properly done science is a sort of masochistic game where one
beats one's head against a wall until it falls down, and then
goes in search of another wall.
                --Steven Vogel


Date: Mon, 19 Sep 1994 09:14:18 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"... it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place.
     If you want to get somewhere else, you must run
     at least twice as fast as that!!"

                Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

[This is my third week in Australia, and about my 10th talk.
I can identify with this far too easily...  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 11:10:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Roadside drug of choice
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
Forwarded-by: schwartz@muse.convex.com (Adam E. Schwartz)

	 EL PASO, Texas (Reuter) - A free-growing roadside weed,
known commonly as ``loco weed,'' is gaining popularity as a
hallucinogenic drug, health officials say.
	 Jimson weed can be fatal, but unlike other drugs it is legal
and free, and grows everywhere in the United States except
Alaska, health officials said in recent interviews.
	 Twelve people were poisoned, including two who died, in El
Paso this year after using the weed, a poisonous, tall, course
weed that is a source of stramonium, used in medicine for the
treatment of asthma.
	 National figures were unavailable for 1994, but 318 Jimson
weed poisoning cases were reported in 1993, Rose Ann Soloway,
clinical toxicologist at the poison control central in
Washington, said.
	 She said although there is a problem, ``in terms of numbers
it's not huge.''
	 However, in El Paso, ``The use is widespread,'' said Dr.
Miguel Escobedo, director of El Paso Preventative Health
Services. ``And it's (the weed) everywhere. I can see it growing
from where I'm sitting.''
	 The toxicity of the plant, which apparently was used by 
American Indians hundreds of years ago, changes from season to
season and plant to plant, making it impossible to produce a
recipe for a safe ``trip,'' Escobedo said.
	 Two 16-year-old boys died from jimson weed poisoning in June
after they boiled weed roots and then drank a cup each. Two of
their friends who survived said they drank smaller amounts and
experienced hallucinations.
	 The weed, which has bell-shaped flowers, a stout stem and is
about 4 feet tall, affects the nervous system, Escobedo said.
	 El Paso health officials hoped the two deaths would scare
teen-agers and curtail usage.
	 But a local high school senior said a flyer was sent out
shortly after the 1994 school year started in late August
announcing a party where ``crazy weed'' would be available.
	 ``I don't really know too much about it,'' the student said.
''It's just this new drug that a lot of kids are doing.''
	 Sergeant Robert Coleman with the El Paso police narcotics
squad said Jimson weed may be gaining in popularity in high
schools, but is still not nearly as popular as cocaine, crack
and marijuana.
	 Law enforcement officials say their hands are tied because
the weed is not illegal. ``There isn't a whole lot we can do and
we don't have a lot of information on it,'' Coleman said.

[What, the toad-licking wasn't enough?  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 19 Sep 1994 17:12:23 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Speed Traps
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
From: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>

Two friends of mine were travelling between San Diego and Utah
on obscure roads other than the normal I-15 route when they
camme across a hand painted sign at the side of the road that

No Cops - Haul Ass

About the time the speedometer hit 120 mph, they saw another
sign that wasn't hand painted.  Much to their dismay, it said:

Pavement Ends 500 feet.


Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 10:39:58 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tasty headline
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Charles M. Hannum" <mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu>
From: "Michael A. Patton" <MAP@BBN.COM>

In reporting Lincoln Almond's victory in the Republican
gubernatorial primary in Rhode Island the Brown Daily Herald
had this headline:

	Mounds of Support Bring Almond Joy


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 10:43:52 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TiReD-WiReD Server (magazine parody via Web)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: page@zephyr.cs.odu.edu (d.)
Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.announce
Subject: TiReD-WiReD Server (magazine parody via Web)
Date: 9 Sep 1994 17:55:22 GMT

WiReD Magazine...gee, feels like ages since the last issue came out,
huh?  Miss that yellow journalism and shallow insight done up in a
funky unreadable typesetting?  Feel an urge to read a 20 page article
about something no one really cares about anyway, but they've decided
to push the boundries of timeliness again?
You're pretty sick then.
But, there's hope.  Now you can use the brand-spanking-new TiReD-WiReD
server, creating lists and lists of your Favorite Column...all
guaranteed to be more accurate, more timely, and more intelligent than
anything that guy in WiReD ever sloughed off on us.
"How!" you ask "How may I access this wonderful server, with your
PATENTED AI ALGORITHM (that you haven't told me about yet)?"
Simple!  http://www.cs.odu.edu/~page/tw.html
You will enjoy the server, we know you will.  Come see it while its
still cool (i.e. before WiReD does an article on us).
a 2D Production.


Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 09:57:48 -0700
From: Matt Bishop <bishop@cs.ucdavis.edu>
Subject: YUCKS: Re; Quote of the day
To: spaf

Terry Labach's yucks submission reminded me of a heated
debate in (I believe) Indiana's state legislature in the
late 1800s' (go to town on THAT one, Spaf!)

[Being reminded of the Indiana legislature at any time is a horrible
thing to have happen to anyone, Matt.  --spaf]

It seems the house parlimentarian ruled one member out of
order for referring to another member as a "jackass."

"Very well, but I must insist the honorable member is still
out of order", replied the chastised representative.

"How am I out of order!?" hollared the insulted representative.

"Oh, I think a veterinary surgeon could tell you that,"
replied the first.

The parlimentarian ruled that was an acceptable comment.


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 01:08:18 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Zander, huh?  I'll fix him.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>

------- Forwarded Message

I have a friend who has the worst job in the world: he is a Unix
system administrator.  But it's worse than that, as I will soon tell.

Being a Unix system administrator is like being a tech in a biological
warfare laboratory, except that none of the substances are labeled
consistently, any of the compounds are just as likely to kill you by
themselves as they are when mixed with one another, and it is never
clear what distinction is made between a catastrophic failure in the
lab and a successful test in the field.

But I don't want to tell you about biological warfare, I want to tell
you about what makes my friend's job so terrible.  First, some

The training for Unix system administration is a frightening process.
When machines start dying, users start screaming, and everything
grinds to a halt, the novice feels the cold fingers of terror
clutching about his heart.

    # this doesn't work, but no time to fix it -- hope nothing crashes

But if one stays the course, one might some day achieve the dubious
satisfaction of being able to mutter "at least I know why it broke!".

    # This works...I wonder if it will get me laid
    progname="`echo $0 | sed 's:^\./\./:\./:'`"

But there are many who must dwell in this miasma both day and night.
What makes my friend's job so ugly is that he doesn't only work with
just any strain of Unix--he works with Solaris.  And he doesn't just
deal with just any braindead users--his users are the executives at
Sun Microsystems.

Let me tell you about Sun Microsystems.  At Sun, there's a long
history of executives playing pranks on one another.  For April Fools,
these rowdies would play tricks like putting a golf course (complete
with putting green) in Scott McNealy's office, or floating Bill Joy's
Ferrari in one of the landscaped ponds.  Things have come a long way
since then.  Now every day is April Fools, and my friend doesn't like
it one bit.

VP:	"Admin!!  What the fuck is this thing running on my machine?"
Admin:	"It's Solaris, sir."
VP:	"Get it off of my machine at once!"
Admin:	"But sir, Ed Zander told me that you should be running solaris now."
VP:	"Zander, huh?  I'll fix him.  Is he running Solaris?"
Admin:	"No sir."
VP:	"Why not?"
Admin:	"If he ran Solaris, he wouldn't be able to get any work done"
VP:	"Very well, restore my machine to SunOS, and put this Solaris
	crap on Zander's machine"
Admin:	"But sir..."
VP:	"That's an order!  And tell him Scott gave you the directive himself!"
Admin:	"Yes, sir"

Zander:	"Admin!! What the fuck is this thing running on my machine?"
Admin:	"It's Solaris, sir."
Zander:	"Get it off of my machine at once!"
Admin:	"But sir, Scott McNealy told me that you should be running solaris now."
Zander:	"McNealy, huh?  I'll fix him.  Is he running Solaris?"


The only thing worse that being a Unix system administrator is doing
the job for ungrateful users.

------- End of Forwarded Message


End of Yucks Digest