Yucks Digest V4 #28 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Fri, 30 Sep 94       Volume 4 : Issue  28 

Today's Topics:
                              "NO REAR"
           ... and a chart on the average male penis length
               ...  and depth of character development
                      ... the computer is down.
                             ?kinsey test
                Ah! September: Question for Brian Reid
    A tacit, up to the moment snapshot on the mentality of USENET.
                         Bobbit: no such file
                    Brother, can you spare a UNIX?
                         Close, but no cigar.
                       Denial of Service Attack
        Entertaining For Sale Ad: "Mutant Lawn Mower" (Yucks)
                      Fly the friendly skies...
                    For illustrative purposes only
                      For the umm...masochists?
               From the Hahvahd on-line course catalog
                             Life As Food
                   more on Unilateral disarmament?
                         more wonderful .sigs
                New Frontiers in Cluelessness, Part II
                         Ozone Friendly Nukes
                      Predictable, I suppose...
                            QOTD (2 msgs)
                      Quote of the day (3 msgs)
                   Re: Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts)
                          rick smith's .sig
                  Signature line of the day (2 msgs)
                    Software Safety & Reliability
                      Strange things in the MTA
                    The mother of all grease fires
 The Top 11 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For
                       The Virginia Senate Race
                         Yeah, but who cares?
                     Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts)
                        Yup, it's a plague...

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 08:39:56 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: "NO REAR"

For several weeks, I'd been seeing strange slogans on car bumper and
window stickers.  They had the phrase "NO REAR".  I kept thinking to
myself, "Why would anyone without a butt tell others about it?"  Why
did this strange slogan keep showing up?

So, finally, I walked up to a parked car with one of those stickers
and read the slogan carefully.  I then realized that the slogan was
"NO FEAR", not "NO REAR", but because of the style and spacing of the
letters, from a distance the "F" looked like an "R".  The mystery was
solved, except for wondering what "NO FEAR" meant, and why folks
wanted to boast about it.

Now the slogan appears on T-shirts.  For example:

	It's the bottom of the ninth.
	     Two yards to go.
	   Only one goal behind.
	        NO FEAR

or some-such slogan on a kid who's most difficult decision is how torn
his jeans should be and who should start worrying about his wardrobe
selection before he's mistaken for a derelict.

I can only wait until some twenty-something working at Kimberly-Clark
comes up with:

	  It's been a long night.
	You fed me the wrong stuff.
	 Hug me.  I need a change.
	          NO FEAR

on the bottom of disposable diapers.

Or a slogan for hacker's T-shirts:

	           It's 3 a.m.
	You're chasing a wayward C pointer.
	 The project demo is 5 hours away.
	           NO FEAR!!

Then I started to wonder, how much has Oakley tested their
"thermonuclear protection" devices?  Are they really that good?


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 17:23:14 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and a chart on the average male penis length
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.misc
From: chamer@ag.com (Christian Hamer)
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 94 09:48:20 EDT

Condoms and other sexual items, as well as relevant information, are now
available on the World Wide Web from Condom Country at URL:

Along with its product line, Condom Country also provides its customers
with information content, such as government statistics on AIDS,
instructions on how to use a condom, and a chart on the average male penis
length.  Interested customers should try out the above URL or send e-mail
to: "condom.info@ag.com".

<a href="http://www.ag.com/condom/country">Condom Country</a>

Condom Country is a service of The Access Group, a Cambridge, MA company
that specializes in publishing electronic catalogs over the Internet.


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 23:13:19 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ...  and depth of character development
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>

In rec.arts.sf.reviews, Mark Leeper writes about upcoming "science fiction
/ fantasy" movies (being movies, the term must be taken loosely).  One of
the upcoming movies is (and I kid you not about this) _Street Figther_,
based on the popular video game (deity, zap me now, please).  It will star
Jean-Claud van Damme.  Quoth Mark:

	The real question is whether they'll be able to capture the
	intelligence and depth of character development in the video game.
	Initially it looks like they won't.


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 09:22:44 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... the computer is down.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: matthew green <mrg@mame.mu.OZ.AU>
Forwarded-by: Richard Todd <rmtodd@servalan.servalan.com>

Remember Sun's old motto -- "The Network is the Computer".
What this really meant is that unless everything is working,
the computer is down.

		-- Barry Margolin, talking about 
		   various NFS and automounter lossage.


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 94 12:07:14 EDT
From: ZiffDavis2@aol.com
Subject: ?kinsey test
To: spaf

Ziff-Davis Press, with permission from The Kinsey Institute,
 is taking a look at how the online population's sexual knowledge
 compares with the results of Kinsey's offline national study.  
Your address was picked at random from the 1994 Internet White Pages.
If you would like to participate in the survey,
 please reply and we'll send it back to you.  
Your responses can either be by return message to
 ZIFFDAVIS2@AOL.COM or in hard copy form mailed
anonymously to:
Ziff-Davis Press
5903 Christie Ave.
Emeryville, CA 94608
The results will be featured in a book published by Ziff-Davis Press in
January 1995
entitled net.sex by Nancy Tamosaitis.
Thank you!

[Yes, I really got this in my e-mail.  Yes, I could really skew their
data-collection efforts (even if I answered truthfully. :-).  However,
I'll leave it to any Yucks readers who want to volunteer to help
Ziff-Davis in their research.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 94 02:51 WET DST
From: richard@interlog.com (Richard Sexton)
Subject: Ah! September: Question for Brian Reid
To: eniac

Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.misc

In article <358j04$115@nic.umass.edu> you write:
>Hi, We have a machine here at school that runs ULTRIX as an operating system.
>I think it is a form of UNIX? Anyways, is there a server for such an 
>operating system?

[This provides a clue as to DEC's recent difficulties...  --spaf]


Date: Sun, 25 Sep 1994 23:26:15 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A tacit, up to the moment snapshot on the mentality of USENET.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: lidl@va.pubnix.com (Kurt J. Lidl)

A tacit, up to the moment snapshot on the mentality of USENET.

Newsgroups: rec.food.drink.coffee,alt.drugs.caffeine,alt.mcdonalds
[Article about the MickeyD's coffee lawsuit deleted...]
>>She has pictures _proving_ the damage happened. I'm sure McDonalds doctors
>>were given a chance to verify that the damage occured. How could you then
>>call the lawsuit frivolous? Are you brain damaged? 
>GIF!! GIF!!! GIF!!!!
Immeninet death of USENET predicted, MPEG's at eleven!

[For those of you who missed this in the news, some woman has sued
Mickey D's after she spilled hot coffee in her lap, claiming severe
burns.  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 09:18:20 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Blam!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

Newsgroups: rec.autos.vw
Subject: What's new for Passat?
From: tom.neumann@canrem.com (Tom Neumann)

<U20987@uicvm.uic.edu> (Kenwood) writes:
> I've heard about the air-bags, cupholders and stiffer chassis,
> but what the hell is PYROTECHNIC seatbealts?  If my Latin is
> still respectable, doesn't "pyro" mean fire?  If so, how does
> this help the effectiveness of seatbelts? any other new stuff
> in the 95's?

It's a seatbelt pre-tensioner. 

In an accident pyrotechnics (yup: fireworks, just like in the
airbags!) go off and pull the seatbelts so as to remove any
slack from them and put some tension on them. This reduces
the amount of stretching that the seatbelt will have and helps
reduce injuries.

You can look at themn in a Passat, they are under the plastic
trim on the door "sill" beside the front doors.

[Coming soon: explosive ejector seats.  These will save many lives, provided
the owners also order the (optional) fabric tops.  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 94 3:20:02 EDT
From: danny@hpldya.hpl.hp.com (Daniel Abramovitch)
Subject: Bobbit: no such file
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Q: Why are there no JPEG images of John Wayne Bobbit on the net?

A: Everyone keeps putting the 

===============CUT HERE====================

line in the wrong place.


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 09:25:55 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Brother, can you spare a UNIX?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
Subject: And I thought the guy looking for a PC based AS400 emulator was bad... 

Forwarded-by:    Doug Rady <drady@us.oracle.com>

From: psadh@orion.alaska.edu 
Newsgroups: comp.unix.wizards
Date: Wed Sep 21 06:30:11 PDT 1994 
Organization: University of Alaska 
        I have a rather interesting (to me anyways) dilemna.   
        I've recently acquired a IBM System/36 Mainframe and
am looking to run a version of UNIX on it. However, it currently
(came with, don't blame me) is running RPG. If anyone has any
ideas _where_ and from _whom_ I could acquire a copy of UNIX
for the System/36 architecture, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Please enclose phone numbers of the sources also.

[Announcing the Bunix project -- a rewrite of Unix in extended Basic...


Date: Fri, 23 Sep 94 3:20:01 EDT
From: sslagle@ksu.ksu.edu (Stacy W Slagle)
Subject: Close, but no cigar.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Heard this one at work:

What do Bob Dole and a Cessna have in common?

They're both from Kansas, and neither one quite made it into the White House.

[Cessna manufactures many of its small planes in Wichita, Kansas.  A
 Cessna crashed on the White House lawn.]


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 22:20:28 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Denial of Service Attack
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: wje@netcom.com (William J. Evans)
Subject: Denial of service attack (stupid flame)
Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 12:11:07 GMT

A good denial of service attack is to encourage your opposition to
use netcom as his or her news provider.


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 15:19:10 pdt
From: Jeff Meyer/Anomaly In Residence <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: Entertaining For Sale Ad: "Mutant Lawn Mower" (Yucks)
To: Gene Spafford <spaf@directory.purdue.edu>

[Saw this in seattle.forsale; I have no use for a lawn mower, and I'm still  
 considering buying this...]
From: George Moore <geom@u.washington.edu>
Date: 21 Sep 1994 15:41:13 GMT
Subject: Mutant Lawn Mower

McClane 20" Front-Throw, Self-Propelled Reel Mower:

Imagine a chance encounter between a small tank and your Scott push mower. 
Voila! -- the McClane reel mower.  It's everything your Honda ain't! 

Great big bucket up front to catch the clippings enhance its functional
beauty, yet retains its unremittingly retro-tech attitude.  Enough setting
adjustments to mow Brazilian rain forests or sub-Saharan golf courses.
Strong 3 HP Briggs and Stratton with enough torque to push start small
cars. Lots of levers, gears, pulleys, belts, and wheels. Just the sort of
old technology you can tinker with yet still not do anything that will
really break the machine. Nearly fool-proof. And best of all, when you
fire it up it shakes, whirs, and generally makes all sorts of noises that
tell you it's ready to work.  Your neighbors will know it's you out there
mowing the parking strip again. 

Only driven on summer Sundays by my folks. It's about 5 or 6 seasons old 
and has seen excellent maintenance. Always garaged, never driven in rain. 
Don't miss this opportunity to own a lawn-mower legend.  

These things are expensive and I think it's probably still worth three
hundred bucks. Email me with offers or leave a voice message on my machine
at 525-5413.  Thanks and don't accept imitations -- George. 


Date: Sat, 24 Sep 1994 15:32:17 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fly the friendly skies...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jr@opal.com Sat Sep 24 11:47:32 1994
Forwarded-by: Harold Hubschman <haroldh@ksgbbs.harvard.edu>

A joke from, of all places, the front page of today's
Wall Street Journal:

What's the difference between the new Denver airport and
the White House?

You can land a plane at the White House.


Date: Tue, 27 Sep 94 17:51:03 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: For illustrative purposes only
To: spaf

While banging my head against my monitor and trying to port some code
to a new system for a customer (that I'll refrain from naming) I just
ran across this little tidbit in their compiler manual:

  In the _Object_Oriented_Software_Development_in_C++_ manual 
  the case studies 16.2, 19.1, 19.2 and 21.1 will not compile, 
  nor will Program 17.5  Please use these examples for illustrative 
  purposes only.

I leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide exactly what these
"case studies" illustrate when used with their C++ compiler.


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 12:40:44 -0400
From: jbowyer@selma.hq.af.mil (J.)
Subject: For the umm...masochists?
To: spaf

The Profanity and Insult Server


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 23:12:28 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From the Hahvahd on-line course catalog
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: gwertzma@husc.harvard.edu
Forwarded-by: David Trilling:

You might think im making this up but I'm not:

This from the hahvahd univ. gopher on-line course catalogue:

	"Degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Decision

		Sciences, Chair to be announced"


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 15:31:42 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Life As Food
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

It doesn't matter who you are, or what you've done, or think you can do.
There's a confrontation with destiny awaiting you.  Somewhere, there is
a chile you cannot eat.
		-- Daniel Pinkwater, "A Hot Time in Nairobi"


Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 19:20:29 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: more on Unilateral disarmament?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: cavasin@convex.com (Vince Cavasin)
Forwarded-by: "Johann Opitz" <Johann_Opitz@smtp.esl.com>

Power outage threatened loss of control over Russian missiles

     Russia's Strategic Rocket Forces almost lost control over the
nation's nuclear missiles yesterday when power was cut to its Moscow
command center -- possibly because the light bill hadn't been paid.
     The Russian ITAR-Tass new agency said spokesmen for the Strategic
Rocket Forces told its reporter that the loss of power threatened national
security. However, duty officers were able to switch to a backup power
system without incident when the lights went out, and later told the
Russian news agency "the combat-readiness of the Strategic Rocket Forces
has not been affected and remains as before at the proper level."
     A spokesman for the electric utility servicing Moscow told the
Associated Press that power to the facility had been cut, but declined to
explain why. Power later was restored, AP said, noting that the utility
frequently cuts power to customers who do not pay their bills.


Date: Tue, 15 Mar 94 12:16:11 -0600
From: prudence!decwrl!ks25!mm.rrdtc.donnelley.com!garret@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Subject: more wonderful .sigs
To: rissa@prudence.fof.org


Mark K Vallevand    Unisys Corp  Roseville, Minnesota    markus@rsvl.unisys.com
Mail Station 4313, POBox 65942, St Paul, MN 55164   612-635-7880

On the Information SuperHighway, I'm the guy with a hat driving 50 in the fast
lane with my blinker on and my seatbelt hanging out the door making sparks.


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 21:28:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: New Frontiers in Cluelessness, Part II
To: yucks

>From: garyl@dump.com
>Date: Thu, 22 Sep 94 08:33:25 EST
>Newsgroups: alt.personals
>Organization: THe GaRBaGe DuMP BBS
>Subject: Help request
>I know that I saw somewhere how to use the internet but don't remember
>where and I can't even remember my log id or what ever wondering if lyou
>could package something for me that would help.  I cant find my users
>book either so may need another if that is where i saw it.  Also I have
>typed several replys to quick mail but don't know where they go can't
>seem to find the file for upload?  any help would be appreciated. GM


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 17:08:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: Ed Santiago <esm@sstcx1.lanl.gov>
Subject: From the Makefile in xntp 3.4d

 #       RISK OF SHOCK.
 #       The vendor hits you...
 #       You try to hit the vendor...
 #       You die.


Date: Sun, 25 Sep 94 13:52:40 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Ozone Friendly Nukes
To: spaf

"The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing
them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic)
missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board.  If they are ever
fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust,
not threatening the Ozone layer."

    -- Access to Energy, July 1993


Date: Tue, 27 Sep 1994 18:03:42 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Predictable, I suppose...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
Forwarded-by: Monica Waldman <mlw@cisco.com>
Forwarded-by: jhayes@cisco.com

From: krein@newton.apple.com (Todd Krein)

Top 20 U.S.Air advertising slogans:

 1.  U.S.Air: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
 2.  U.S.Air: We're Amtrak with wings.
 3.  Join our frequent near-miss program.
 4.  On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
 5.  Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
 6.  Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
 7.  Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
 8.  Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
 9.  Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10.  The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11.  You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
12.  Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13.  Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14.  U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
15.  U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16.  Bring a bathing suit.
17.  Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks.
     We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18.  That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19.  Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
20.  U.S.Air:  A real man lands where he wants to.


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 11:58:11 -0400
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President,' was the first time
that people realized that President was packaged... like a bar of soap.
20 years later, people have gotten to the point where that analogy seems
unfair to soap.

		-- Barbera Lippert


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 15:43:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)

The telephone, for those of you who have forgotten, was a
commonly used communications technology in the days before
electronic mail.  They're still easy to find in most large
		-- Nathaniel Borenstein


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

We are victims of one common superstition - the superstition that we
understand the changes that are daily taking place in the world
because we read about them and know what they are.
              -- Mark Twain -- from "About All Kinds of Ships" 1892

    Submitted by:   Gordon Joly <G.Joly@cs.ucl.ac.uk>
                    Aug. 8, 1994


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

 Today's quote is from the conference guide for
 the 1994 World Science Fiction Convention, held
 in Winnipeg, Manitoba:

 Odd as it may seem to some, personal hygiene standards
 vary around the world. In science fiction fandom, if you
 are interested in romantic pursuit (or just in not
 accidentally offending), we STRONGLY recommend that you
 shower & shampoo daily, and brush regularly (preferably
 first thing in the morning and after dinner before you hit
 the evening parties). Your odds of success will increase
 Trust us on this.

    Submitted by:   thorntn@CC.UManitoba.CA
                    Sep. 21, 1994

[Of course, non-humans may have other requirements.  --spaf]


Date: Sat, 24 Sep 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Even today the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm.  Near Fort Chimo,  
Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries.  One taste told me  
the truth.  They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal  
fat.  I declined any more.  The man who offered them to me shrugged and  
continued to pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts.

		From the introduction to _A Kayak Full of Ghosts: Eskimo
		Tales_, gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman
		ISBN 0-88496-267-9

[Reminds me of some school cafeteria food.... --spaf]


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 94 08:50:22 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Re: Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts)
To: sjc@mcs.kent.edu

> From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
> To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu, cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
> Subject: Re: Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts) 
> Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 22:56:18 -0400
> >> [Some people have entirely too much free time... --spaf]
> Why is it that Spaf always says this about Charlie's submissions?
> sc
> --

spaf (like an infamous rival basketball coach) is not consistent on
this point.  he appears to use this comment for particularly egregious
observations, and seems to devote the comment others as well.  It is
not clear whether the comment pertains to the original poster or the
submitter (usually i'm the latter)

[Usually the poster, but sometime you in particular. :-)  --spaf]

most likely, spaf (newly embroiled in fatherhood) has not yet realized
that once the tax deductions for ones offspring go away, the amount of
effort expended on the offspring also goes away, hence leaving one
without the need to arise in the middle of the night for providing
nourishment, bail money, rides, support, etcetera to said offspring.
this does provide a modicom of additional time that SOME of us do not
convert into additional sleeping hours, and given that one can't golf
between sunset and sunrise, i tend to have a few minutes more for
newsreading, and my browser comes up with some gems.

perhaps spaf is jealous of my "personal time" allotment

and then again, who knows???????

[Well, I do and the Shadow does.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 94 19:09:42 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: rick smith's .sig
To: spaf

hex, bugs, and rock 'n' roll
i like it.  it give me something to do with all the free time you
think i have on my hands

=> >Rick:  GCS  d++/-- -p+ c+++ !l u++ e-- m+ s++/- h* f? g+ w+ t+ y+
=> >       Who ever said "Hex, bugs and Rock & Roll don't mix."?


Date: Wed, 28 Sep 1994 12:44:34 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Sig
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)

Susan Liebeskind said...
> > 	     A system admin's life is a sorry one.  The only
> > 	     advantage he/she has over Emergency Room doctors
> > 	     is that malpractice suits are rare.  On the other
> > 	     hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients
> > 	     installing new versions of their own innards!


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 23:11:25 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature line of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

	A)bort  R)etry  T)ake an axe to it?


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 23:30:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature line of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

(I'd only have clipped the second line, had I not noticed the extra
"." in the first line....)

  It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, .signifying

  Fun with anagrams:  computer science -> coerce inept scum


Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 07:04:00 -0359
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Software Safety & Reliability
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: Chris LaFournaise <lafourc@sequent.com>

 From a talk given by Professor Nancy Leveson, Dept of Computer
 Science and Engineering, University of Washington, on Software
 Safety & Reliability (IEEE & ACM Sponsored 4/20/94):

* An F16 pilot was sitting on the runway doing the pre-flight
  and wondered if the computer would let him raise the landing
  gear while on the ground - it did...

* When initially developing the sidewinder missile pylon
  mounting there were a few problems.  The software would
  release the latch and fire the missile - initially however
  the latch was closed shortly thereafter not allowing enough
  time for the missile to leave the wing.  Imagine the pilots
  dismay when there was a bunch of extra thrust attached to
  one of the wings!

* The F16 has a sophisticated software system that performs
  load balancing to optimize flight performance.  This includes
  dropping empty fuel tanks in such a way as to balance the
  plane.  A minor prerequisite to dropping the tanks was
  overlooked in the software - it's usually a good idea to be
  upright when releasing the tanks.  Imagine flying upside
  down and having empty fuel tanks come flying off...

* A manufacturer of torpedoes for the Navy wanted to make a
  'safe' torpedo.  Their initial solution was to cause the
  torpedo to self-destruct if it made a 180 degree change in
  course.  On the test run for this new 'safe' torpedo the
  captain fired the torpedoe and nothing happened.  So the
  captain ordered the sub back to base, executing a 180 degree


Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 13:41:31 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nous Visual Engineering <nous@panix.com>
Subject: Strange things in the MTA
To: spaf

This is an excerpt from a Metro-North flyer I got on a train, about 
events in Grand Central Station:

October 3-23 -- Main Concourse
10AM to 7PM Weekdays
Noon to 5PM Weekends

"Animal Farm," by Tim Rollions and K.O.S., is a very large painting 
depicting 100 world leaders as barnyard animals.  This show, previously 
at the Hirshorn Museum in Washington, DC, includes related studies and 
drawing on the same Orwellian theme by the individual Kids of Survival.


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 11:31:14 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The mother of all grease fires
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: stripes@uunet.uu.net (Josh Osborne)

From: Brian Reid <reid@prudence.fof.org>
Date: Fri, 23 Sep 94 17:34:09 PDT

I work in the very center of the city of Palo Alto, in a nice office
building.  We are surrounded on every side by restaurants, hotels, and so
forth. But we are a computer company, and so our building ends up needing
a lot of electricity. We use about a megawatt (1 million watts).

In order to deliver a million watts of electricity to an office building,
you need a very large transformer. These transformers are too big to put
on poles, and besides in quaint downtown areas nobody likes those poles
any more. So the transformers are put underground. The million-watt
transformer that powers our office building is located in an underground
vault in the middle of a walkway that leads to City Hall. The transformer
is about the size of a small car, and the transformer vault is about the
size of a one-car garage, except that the way you get in is to climb down
a ladder from the street level. The top of the transformer vault is well
ventilated, because a million-watt transformer generates a lot of heat.

Several fine restaurants are near this walkway, along with a bank, an art
supply store, and so forth. There's a lot of foot traffic. This being
California, where it never rains, and this being Palo Alto, where it is
always springtime, the restaurants have outdoor seating areas that are
very popular.

Recently the patrons of one restaurant started to complain that there was
an unpleasant odor in their otherwise idyllic outdoor seating area. Soon
the Health Department was called, and they quickly determined that the
odor was caused by rancid oil that had seeped into the sidewalk. Further
investigation showed that the source of the rancid oil was overflow from
a nearby grating.  The grating was marked "City of Palo Alto Utilities",
so the utility department was called.

The utility crew quickly discovered the problem. The oil wasn't really
oil, it was molten deep-frying grease, which was molten because it was
being kept warm by a million-watt transformer. The entire vault was
completely full of used frying grease, about 2000 gallons of it, which
was enough to completely cover the transformer. The heat of the
transformer kept the grease from solidifying.

Police quickly figured out what had happened. Every night for quite a
number of years, one of the nearby restaurants had, at closing time,
emptied its fryer into the transformer vault, thinking that they were
dumping it into the storm sewer. It's quite illegal to dump grease into
a storm sewer, of course, but they probably figured they would never get

Transformers do occasionally overheat; this is why they are kept in
concrete vaults. If this one had overheated, we would have had the mother
of all grease fires.

Last night they shut off all of the electrical power, pumped out the hot
grease, washed out the vault, and replaced the transformer. It's very
fortunate that nobody was killed.

Today's "daily special" menu did not include the usual fried fish.


Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 23:29:04 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Top 11 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jr@opal.com Mon Sep 26 20:04:40 1994
From: marr@minerva.cis.yale.edu (Leon Marr)
Date: Sat, 24 Sep 1994 01:24:21 +0500

The Top 11 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For

11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
 9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
 7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
 6. The percentage of existing windows programs that won't run in the new OS.
 5. The number of minutes to install.
 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
 3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
 2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for..

(Drum roll please...)
 1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.


Date: Fri, 23 Sep 94 12:20:03 EDT
From: ccampbel@reed.edu (Chr_st_n_ _uror_)
Subject: The Virginia Senate Race
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Back in 1990, the Louisiana governor's race pitted former Governor
Edwin Edwards, who'd spent much of his political career staying one step
ahead of the law, against David Duke, late of the Ku Klux Klan.  Reportedly,
one could buy bumper stickers reading:

	"Vote for the crook.  It's important."

Now, in 1994, in Virginia, there's a four-way Senate race between incumbent
Senator Chuck Robb, LBJ's son-in-law, Oliver North, of Iran-Contra infame,
former Governor Doug Wilder, who doesn't like Robb very much, and Marshall
Coleman, whom Wilder beat in the 1989 governor's race.

At this point, both Wilder and Coleman are lagging badly, leaving Robb, who
has confessed to all sorts of weird ethical lapses, to face North, who
blithely denies his blatant ones.

Do you think we'll see a bumper sticker saying something like:

	"Vote for the outercourse-performing, phone-tapping fool whose
	best political move was marrying LBJ's daughter.  It's important."

Something tells me the '80s ended too soon.


Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 15:45:26 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, but who cares?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: anu@viper.elp.cwru.edu (Anu Garg)

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where
you are when you don't come home at night.
		-- Margaret Mead


Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 23:59:23 -0400
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #27 (shorts)
To: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu

>> most likely, spaf (newly embroiled in fatherhood) has not yet realized
>> that once the tax deductions for ones offspring go away, the amount of
>> effort expended on the offspring also goes away, hence leaving one
>> without the need to arise in the middle of the night for providing
>> nourishment, bail money, rides, support, etcetera to said offspring.

Ha!  You're only saying that to get my hopes up.  My son had the good
taste to be born on 31 Dec, so I got that extra tax deduction with
minimal energy expended (by me, anyway.  Nate and Mary were kind of

Unfortunately for Kathy and Mary, I don't think that either Spaf or I
will ever grow up enough to relieve them of the burden of parenting.


Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 17:49:16 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yup, it's a plague...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov

I saw this in the Sep 27, 1994 issue of PC Magazine, page 428.

Want Ad from The Dallas Morning News

"Data processing: Expr'd. OOPS, Smallpox, C++, Unix, HP, OpenView
Fax resume."


End of Yucks Digest