[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V4 #22 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 30 Aug 94 Volume 4 : Issue 22
Today's Topics:
A Yuck from the British-Cars mailing list
Behind You
Bro. Bud please pray for me
cookies
Don't Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)
DYLAN SUES APPLE, CLAIMS NAME MISAPPROPRIATION (fwd)
Fake Stevie Nicks??????
forwarded: kill your television
Inertial Guidance System for dummies!!!
Information Superhighway
Power Internet Jackass
Quote of the day
Shuuuuush
Advance Warning
Spread the word
STORY: July Century (southern CA, informal)
supercalifragilistic
Terror in misc.writing (Was Books On Writing)
The secret of my success
Those (Wacky) Europeans....
Trek
Your Congresscritter on the Information Highway
Yucks Digest V4 #21 (shorts) [Klingon Bible]
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 11:53:16 PDT
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: A Yuck from the British-Cars mailing list
To: spaf
In a continuing thread on the worst entries in automobile shop manuals,
Richard Mutt <houdini@access.digex.net> wrote:
The manual for a ferrari 250 states that replacing the timing chain
is a five-step process. Step one is the simple (?) instruction:
"Invert motor on bench."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Aug 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport)
Subject: Behind You
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I participated in a time-management 12-step-type seminar yesterday, mixing
both professional tips and 'philosophy' on time ... at a certain point the
presentor said:
"When you're 98, and you've retired as the longest-lasting employee of your
company, and you're sitting on your back porch, with your hound-dog there --
what do you want to look back and see?"
Someone in the audience spoke up: "Your house?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 13:13:35 EDT
From: "Michael R." <73112.3337@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Bro. Bud please pray for me
Newsgroups: rec.video.satellite
Dear Brother Bud,
Please pray for me as I have sinned with my dish real real
bad and got caught. I was not really intending to sin, or
get caught mind you, but it just sorta happen.
I use to go to a real earthly church, but for some reason or
other I suppose, they gave me the left foot of fellowship.
Even my Baptist handshake, with the five in the palm for the
preacher, didn't help.
Last Sunday evening I was watching the Bedside Baptist Hour
with my ever faithful wifey. You've heard of this program
I'm sure, it's the one with Pastor Pillow and Sister Sheets
playing the organ. Well I just don't know how it happened
but it did and it really hit the fan. Somehow my remote got
bumped and the next thing you know we were tuned to that
wicked Exxxtasy channel. The same one I had so carefully
programed the night before with my Sync-A-Link. Bro. Gary
had told me that you could look at sync ID's as long as you
didn't peek at the video, you understand. Well somehow I
forgot to turn the Sync-A-Link to standby.
Brother Bud, when that God forsaken Exxxtasy came on, it was
like something you only imagined. Or I think you've only
imagined, right Brother Bud? What I and the misses saw was
this big black buck having his big ugly money maker sampled
by three lasses all in their birthday suits. Those fillies
were all working him over at the very same exact time. Well
before I could git away from all that filthy TV action goin'
on the misses, she come and grabbed me and said "Turn off
that damn satellite TV right now or I'll show you what I'm
goin' to do to your John Wayne Bobbitt and your Big Ugly
Dish."
Well, Brother Bud, I really got me a real BIG problem with my
BIG UGLY DISH now you see. It's gonna be me or the BUD.
Either I go or the BUD goes she says. I just don't what to
do and you gotta help me.
I need your prayers right now! Send me your prayer cloths
and anointed water cause I'm in deep merde. If I have to
give up my BUD the only thing left for me will be that cursed
LSD and that will damn my soul to hell forever. Please
accept my enclosed generous love offering so it will help you
concentrate on my desperate condition.
I await your reply and I will always be your forever faithful
partner
Bro. Mike-in-Tulsa
[The information highway to hell is paved with good intentions.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Aug 1994 21:56:04 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: cookies
To: eniac
WALCOTT, Ark. (AP) -- Larry Clifford has a cookie recipe with some
bite.
First, crush the mosquitoes lightly to keep them from flying. Then
pour them into a mixture of brown sugar and syrup and then boil. The
boiling seasons the critters and rids them of 16 disease-carrying
bacteria.
Pour the mix onto cookie sheets, let dry and cut into small chips to be
added to regular cookie mix.
Clifford's recipe won first place in the second annual Mosquito
Cook-Off at Crowley's Ridge State Park, where he's assistant
superintendent.
"It tasted good," said Randy Cross, 20, of Walcott. "You couldn't
taste the mosquitoes at all."
Buggy runner-ups included mosquito supreme pizza, mosquito meat pie and
baked chili con 'skeeter.
Park officials decided to celebrate mosquitoes after people complained
about being bitten during other late-summer festivals.
"This was the natural thing to do," Clifford said.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 10:30:57 -0400 (EDT)
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Don't Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)
To: munck@stars.reston.paramax.com
>
>>Well, I haven't written the entire song, but I did write the bridge:
>>
>>Bridge:
>>(Spoken over muted instrumental)
>>Baby, you left me stranded at the free throw line of love...
>>on a fast break with nobody to pass to.
>>(music swells) . . .
>
>Seems to have a lot in common with "Basketball Jones," as done
>by Sha-Na-Na (though probably not original with them, as was so
>often the case).
>
>It was used as background music for a scene in "Being There," so
>you may have picked it up subconsciously.
Wow. Now that you mention it, I do remember a novelty song called
"Basketball Jones" by Cheech and Chong back in the early 70's.
Yeah, I probably had it rolling around in the back of my head while
I was thinking up that little ditty, although I was really trying
to parody the hackneyed country song form that uses the spoken
near-acapella break in the middle for "dramatic' effect.
This has happened before: I wrote a blues song called "Hot, Blue,
and Righteous" about 1989 or so, and have since discovered that
somebody else has used it as an album title. Feh.
[I seem to recall George Harrison trying to use a defense like this
and losing. You're in good company, I guess. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 11:30:14 +0100
From: mathew <mathew@mantis.co.uk>
Subject: DYLAN SUES APPLE, CLAIMS NAME MISAPPROPRIATION (fwd)
To: eniac
---------------
From: Bob Strong <bob_strong@powertalk.apple.com
Subject: DYLAN SUES APPLE, CLAIMS NAME MISAPPROPRIATION
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 02:45:32 GMT
DYLAN SUES APPLE, CLAIMS NAME MISAPPROPRIATION
By Kathleen O'Steen
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Bob Dylan, who is entering the age of new media
with the upcoming release of an encyclopedic CD-ROM of his work, has sued
Apple Computer, alleging that it commercially misappropriated his name.
The suit, filed late Wednesday, charges that Apple is publicly touring a
new software program that is packaged like a CD and is called "Dylan."
It also charges that Apple misrepresented facts to the U.S. Patent &
Trademark office in its efforts to register the name and mark of its new
program. The suit is similar to a complaint made earlier this year by Carl
Sagan, who objected when Apple used his entire name as an in-house code name
for a new computer model. After Sagan asked the company to stop using his
name, Apple renamed the computer "Butt-Head Astronomer," or BHA.
According to Dylan's suit, Apple executives had previously assured the
singer's legal counsel that the company's use of his name was only as an
in-house code name for the new software program.
The suit alleges that Dylan later discovered Apple executives had already
applied to the trademark office for commercial use of the name and have since
begun publicly touring the product under the Dylan logo.
"I don't think any artist can afford to allow the dilution of their name
or the goodwill they built up in that name through their own dedicated
artistry," said Dylan's attorney Joseph A. Yanny, who recently successfully
defended Paula Abdul in her performance-credit dispute case.
It's Dylan's belief, the suit said, that Apple intentionally uses the
names of famous people to cash in on the goodwill associated with those
names. In addition to the Sagan incident, the suit also cited the use of
(Isaac) Newton as an example. Apple could not be reached for comment.
Reuter/Variety
Well, looks like they'll have to rename it Hitler.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 14 Aug 1994 14:40:33 GMT
From: james.nalbandian@aznetig.stat.com (James Nalbandian)
Subject: Fake Stevie Nicks??????
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.policy
I don't know if there are any Stevie Nicks fans out there but I am. I
was really excited when I found out that she was going to be on the
David Letterman show on August 2, 1994. I had my VCR all set up to
record the performance that night. As I was viewing the show I was
slightly taken back on how this beautiful woman could look so worn. I
toyed with the idea in my mind that it (I hoped) was not her. After the
show I rewound the tape and played it back hanging on each move of her
hips and inflection of her voice. I thought to myself that this just
couldn't be her. I remembered that on PBS last year there was a show on
Hess and Mengele the Nazi doctor and photographic proof on whether the
later life pictures of the two actually matched Nazi photographic
archives. They used a rather simple method of measuring certain anatomic
landmarks to establish a ratio that could be compared from picture to
picture regardless of photo size. What I did was measure the distance
between the left and right anterior temporal bone and then divide that
by the distance from the right anterior temporal bone and the tip of the
gap of the two upper maxilla teeth. I then performed the measurements on
some older Stevie Nicks videos (I Can't Wait and Stevie Nicks in
Concert). The ratios on the two other tapes matched, they covered a time
period from 1980 to 1986. The measurements from the Letterman show DID
NOT match the earlier videos. I then did analysis of her left hand using
the same ratio technique. These too did not match. I also noticed a
discrepancy with her left #5 proximal phalanx joint. The Letterman
Stevie had no swelling at this joint but the other two videos showed her
with swelling at this joint consistent with either injury or arthritis.
There were several differences in mannerisms and physical performance
with the microphone that suggested a different Stevie but this was not
scientific evidence. Based on the fact that the adult skull changes
little in size or form I conclude that the individual on Letterman was
not Stevie Nicks. Any Comments?(If someone could upload this to the
Fleetwood Mac Usergroup on Internet I would be greatly appreciative)
The reason I put this up in this category is because I think the FCC
should investigate this but I do not know who to talk too. I think this
is fraud and with the 100's of thousands of people tuning in to view her
they raise their market share and increase their advertisment revinue. I
think it is kinda like using a fake call sign. Anyway if you fellow hams
have any idea please post this category as I am sending this via N7MRP's
BBS and do not have an Internet mail address. Thank you de Jim N7SZS
[Some people have too much free time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 94 16:47:01 -0400
From: "John F. Woods" <jfw@ksr.com>
Subject: forwarded: kill your television
To: eniac
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 94 08:56:36 EST
From: "David A. Moon" <moon@cambridge.apple.com>
Subject: Kill your television
Several of my neighbors are throwing away their TV sets today.
Yes, they are all carrying their TVs out to the sidewalk for trash
pickup. It might be a revolution, it might be a promotion by the
public library, it might be a reversion to traditional family
values. But it probably has to do with that big lightning storm a
few days ago.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: morteza@innovus.com (Morteza Ansari)
Subject: Inertial Guidance System for dummies!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following article is from the Canadian "Airspace Newsletter", issue 1/94
printed by the Transport Canada. I hope this article will be able to help you
as much as it helped me to understand IGS!!!
Articles printed in Airspace Newsletter is a collection of letters from pilots
and distribution of the articles from the newsletter is encouraged, as long as
references made to the newsletter.
INERTIAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM SIMPLIFIED
We are not sure who the author of the following article is, however we feel
that the article is one of the best, clearly defined descriptions of the magic
that resides withing the aircraft's black boxes.
The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows
where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it
isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.
The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands
which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position
where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is.
Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't;
thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.
In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position
where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation.
Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond
the scope of this report.
A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the
aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant
magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system.
However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it
was because the variation has modified some of the information which the
aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.
Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows
where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where
it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and intergrates the
difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus
obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is
variable constant called "error".
[Sounds like some program specs I've seen. Usually accompanied with
the words "That's close enough to how it really works for you to
program it." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 94 12:11:28 -0600
From: Aaron Morse <amorse@intsis15.uucp.netcom.com>
Subject: Information Superhighway
To: pi_humor@netcom.com
forwards deleted...
Aaron
Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: It's just like the internet, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o you can't post and there's no killfile.
o there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
o rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
o everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
o the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for
long distance.
A: It's just like cable TV, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o the picture isn't as good.
o there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
o you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any Al Gore speech
for only $2.00.
o no public access channels.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like renting videos, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
o no porno.
o there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch twice.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like the telephone, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o there's no one to talk to.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
o every number is a toll call.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 13:27:37 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Power Internet Jackass
To: spaf (Yucks List)
|From: Jason Hatch <jhatch@iii.net>
|To: Brian Kantor <brian@nothing.ucsd.edu>
|...
|What it says about my knowlege of the internet is that I'm a power user.
|I wrote a c program which grepped "forsale" from every description line
|and then piped a file into the message at regulart intervals.
|
|Unless you want me to flood your mailbox to hell, keep your comments to
|your self.
I always knew that, like bioviruses (virii? vira?)
an AIvirus would eventually mutate. What we have
here is obviously the carasso-B strain.
Now what we need is a router with the intelligence
to learn preferences, and just turn these little
packets away at the door. A bouncer option.
"Sorry, buddy, we don't serve your kinda packet here.
Try that AOL place down the infopike."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 04:20:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Basically, I try to be as charming and ingratiating as I can without
making myself vomit."
Katie Couric (in the context of the difficulties of getting a story, in
Vanity Fair Magazine)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 15:34:59 +0800
From: uunet!scuzzbag.Eng.Sun.COM!johnston (Steve Johnston)
Subject: Shuuuuush
To: lots o people
Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally
find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it
only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They
decide, 'what the heck, it's only one night' and share the bed.
The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed
says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off."
The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I
thought I was skiing!"
[Hmm, I didn't think was all that funny, but no less than 6 people
forwarded a copy to me for Yucks. That's even more copies than the
"Brain Exploding" virus article. Anything that gets more response
than that probably should appear in Yucks... --spaf]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 29 Aug 94 13:52:11 -0500
From: John_Kinyon-AJK007@email.corp.mot.com
Subject: Advance Warning
To: spaf#064#cs.purdue.edu%ilbasm1@email.corp.mot.com
BTW...funny thing, but www.pizzahut.com crashed Friday AM.
It and the "priest" site are still down now....
I can see it now......
RISKS of the Yucks Digest
-------------------------
People are going hungry as a result of the latest Spaf-attack. :-)
[Hmm, I wonder what will happen to ski resorts next? --spaf]
------------------------------
From: Kelly J. Cooper
Subject: Spread the word
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre...
I moved. Just about two months ago I left New Jersey for greener
pastures, retiring my neurotic research assistant ass to a farm in New
Hampshire. Not that you actually care, but this is context, my dears.
Context. Significance. Relation.
None of us were farmers before we rented this esteemed acreage
(apparently an abandoned government breeding and testing site for high
velocity low-maintenance bar-certified mosquitoes) but we are
learning. Farming actually has a learning curve as steep as steep
gets with added incentives one does not tend to find in many other
occupations... namely death and dismemberment. Most of the equipment
that came with the place is sturdy, simply but brilliantly designed
and at least 30 years old. The key feature of any given piece of
machinery you can find on a farm is that it can kill you. The yellow
and black and rectangular warning signs have little figures twisted
around hydraulics twice (in obvious spine-disentegrating postures),
missing limbs and gestures of obvious deep distress. Everyone has a
"smooshed farmer missing a foot after having his arm torn off" story.
Local color. Charming.
But I did not come to speak of rural intelligence. I came to speak
upon a subject near and dear to my heart. A piece of equipment that
has captured my very soul and speaks so eloquently to these troubled
times that I am near-speechless in its presence.
I came to talk about the shit-spreader.
This farm was unfortunately run as Uncle Sam ordered all good little
farms to be handled -- using chemical fertilizers which have over the
years leeched anything useful out of the dirt. We have a couple of
fields that can grow nothing but moss. The poison ivy and sumac can't
even draw sustenance from the soil. Thus, our landlord (the ultimate
earthy-crunchy-granola ex-hippie multi-millionaire) owns said
shit-spreader and has a local horse farm fill it. He uses some of it
on his fields. The rest is left to us, to spread it where we can with
the hope that after a year or two of such treatment we might actually
be able to grow crops again.
The machine under discussion is a miracle of splintered wood, cracked
rubber, and rusty gears. Hooked to the hydraulics of our tractor, it
sports a groaning conveyer belt, studded with 2x2's, to move the
manure back toward a rotating mouth of angled blades on the end of the
trough. Said blades do the actual "spreading" but these simple words
do not convey the full experience.
When the spreader is fully loaded and dropped into gear it sends GREAT
GOUTS OF SHIT SPEWING UPWARDS ten or more feet, smoothly layering the
field with a thick layer of home-grown fertilizer. STEAMING STREAMS
OF FECAL MATTER cascade through the air, almost casually, almost
gently landing with faint thudding noises, barely able to be heard
over the shuddering, grinding cacophony of good farm machinery at
work. GRACEFUL ARCS OF CRAP capture the imagination, carrying one on
to near orgasmic thoughts of waterfalls, rainbows, and trebuchets full
of dead cows.
"YES YES!" you cry, in tearful awe of this astonishing display of both
strength and elegance. "THIS is the metaphor! THIS is the medium!
The POST-PRE-MODERN MASTERPIECE OF THE THINKING WORLD!"
And I find that I can only agree with you.
[I think this can also describe most Usenet groups, Congress, and
some conferences and PhD defenses I have attended. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 16:25:14 GMT
From: ez046297@chip.ucdavis.edu ()
Subject: STORY: July Century (southern CA, informal)
Russell Tokuyama (russ@Hawaii.Edu) wrote:
: Pamela Blalock (pamela@keps.com) wrote:
: <...stuff deleted...>
: : Unlike television, where no one ever goes to the bathroom or has gas,
: : I live in the real world, and finding suitable bathrooms on a ride is
: : a part of that, sometimes a very *humorous* part of that too. I used
: : to think that I was alone in that respect, and everyone else could
: : ride for 100+ miles without having to go, but it is *comforting* to
: : read that others appreciate the REAL obstacles we face while riding.
: I've read several bike books and there's never a mention as to what
: one does when the need arises during a race (not even in Eddie B's
: book).
: BTW, what does one do? Trying to stay hydrated often produces an
: excess of fluid in my bladder.
A lot of riders (men, at least) just move towards the back and to the
side of the pack and whip it out. You just need a flat or slightly
downhill section where the pack is just rolling along easily. It helps
to have a friend or team mate to push you along. Personally, I can't do
it. It's something that you need to practice and I don't. I tried to do
it during a 90 mile stage at Mammoth one year, but every time I got ready
to start the flow I was too far off the back and had to chase back or I
might not ever get back. I had "stage fright". I needed about 15-20
seconds to relax and that was time I didn't have. I ended up holding it
the next 70 miles. I was great incentive to ride hard! Sometimes you
can get a group of riders, or even the whole pack (in a small race) to
stop. Then you can chase back together. Timing is everything, as you
can easily be left behind for good if the pace heats up while you're
standing on the side of the road holding your willie.
I did a 100 mile flat road race on a hot windy day one year. The pack
shattered in the first cross wind section after about 10 miles and there
were only about 12 of us left. It was a long boring race and with one
35 mile lap to go all of us stopped in the feed zone while one of the
guys wife gave us all sodas from their cooler. Then we road a couple of
hundred years up the road and we all stopped to pee. Then we raced the
last lap. I think everybody in the feed/start area were pretty freaked
to see the "breakaway" stop with one lap to go. It's good to keep the
officials on their toes sometimes.
[Well, if the officials are trying to stand where the "breakaway" decided
to break and let away, I guess it *would* keep them on their toes, eh?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 94 21:43:33 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: supercalifragilistic
To: spaf
lurking in alt.sex...
This is a little something a friend and I worked up in '92...
I think you'll recognize the tune... (Think "Mary Poppins")
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations,
Leather whips and nipple-clips can give you *SUCH* sensations.
Dominate and bind your mate for perfect titilation,
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations!
Um diddle liddle liddle, um diddle li,
Um diddle liddle liddle, um diddle li
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations,
If you try them only once, you're sure to be frustrated,
But if you try it long enough, you'll always find elation.
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations!
Um diddle liddle liddle, um diddle li,
Um diddle liddle liddle, um diddle li
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations,
Should you find that pleasure/pain's a welcome combination,
Stay right where you are my dear, I'll keep you satiated!
Super sado-masochistic sexual relations!
And, now for another...
Leather-wearing dykes on bikes are perfectly delicious,
And when they're served properly, they're really quite nutritious.
Watch out for your manhood 'cause they also can be vicious!
Leather-wearing dykes on bikes are perfectly delicious.
[Charlie obviously has too much time on his hands.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 27 Aug 1994 12:24:42 -0700
From: willmize@crl.com (William Mize)
Subject: Terror in misc.writing (Was Books On Writing)
Newsgroups: misc.writing
Kathy Vincent (vincentk@wfu.edu) wrote:
Yes. There is a certain lack of respect in my parentheses. I'm
hoping that in time, my lack of respect will grow and expand to
break free of the tyranny of parentheses and exist on its own, unshackled
from punctuation.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 16:04:49 -0700
From: armand@wickham.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: The secret of my success
To: spaf
I got this on the la.wanted newsgroup.
--Armand
From crisper@armory.com (Crisper Than Thou)
Newsgroups: la.wanted,la.general,alt.california,ca.general,misc.jobs.misc,misc.misc,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Los Angeles Times story
Date: 25 Aug 1994 21:34:42 GMT
Los Angeles Times <latref@class.class.org> wrote:
>
>I'm a reporter at the Los Angeles Times looking to talk to people about
>their experience. I am writing a piece on the awful, condescending,
>patronizing or just plain insultingly wrong things interns have been told
>over the years by allegedly well-meaning journeymen or managers.
Yo. Once d'was dis guy, y'see, yeah, you coulda called'm my boss, I guess,
whatever, but dis one day he said, yo, Dan, I just don't tink you's gonna
make it in dis business, see, 'cause you's too outta control or somethin',
you's runnin' around hurtin' people f'no reason, see, and maybe dat worked
back in d'Old Days, but no more, 'kay?
Four weeks later, HIS boss gave me 'n Fast Freddie "instructions", if'n y'know
what I mean, which put DAT asshole in his place, yeah. We dropped three .45's
into d'back of his head and poured'm into d'foundation of dat new roller
coaster down at d'Boardwalk. Now I'm wearin' d'nice suits and fuckin' HIS
wife, 'cause SOMEONE'S gotta keep her in coke, right? And if his daughter
knows what's good f'her, she'll be comin' round pretty soon, too, if'n y'know
what I mean.
Dis is all gonna be in my new book, "Every'ting I Evuh Needed t'Know, I
Learnt By Shootin' People F'r d'Mob". Man, I cannot even express t'you
how sweet life is, y'know?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 09:12:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Those (Wacky) Europeans....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: <dante@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Stanislav Fritz <stanf@microsoft.com>
=================================
London, England:
The European Union (EU), in February of 1994, established a $87.1
million quota on "non-human" dolls imported from China. British and
other customs agents have taken the responsibility of determining the
"humanity" of Chinese-made dolls. Dolls which are non- human are
"blacklisted" and not allowed into European markets.
European fans of the television show "Star Trek" were shocked to find
that Mr. Spock dolls were being subjected to this quota, especially
since he's half- human. A British Customs Office official affirms that
"You don't find a human with ears that size."
Captain Kirk dolls have been declared to not be affected by the quota.
Britain petitioned the EU to drop the quota, but only managed to get
the quota lifted from non-human "Teddy bear" dolls.
=================================
From: the "Letters to the Editor" section of the Wall
Street Journal, Tuesday, August 23, 1994:
I was saddened to read your Marketplace piece August 2, in which you
report that British Customs is refusing entry for Spock dolls on the
grounds that Spock is "non-human."
Certainly my friend Spock has taken great pride in his Vulcan heritage.
But to deprive the English people of the company of such a favorite
seems to me a sadly inhuman act.
Leonard Nimoy, Beverly Hills, California:
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 12:09:29 +0100
From: (null)
Subject: Trek
To: eniac
For those who haven't tried it yet, finger @starfleet.org
[Pretty funny, actually. I dunno if it every changes, but... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: tcox@netcom.com (Thomas B. Cox)
Subject: Your Congresscritter on the Information Highway
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
As the US Government prepares to spend billions of our taxpayer dollars
on this vital Information Highway thing, I was encouraged to see that my
very own Representative (the Honorable Elizabeth Furse) is learning to
use the Net.
Specifically, her staff have been posting Rep. Furse's congressional
speeches to or.politics.
I wrote to her staff, thanking them for the postings.
This is the letter I got back. I swear I am not making any of this up.
- - - - -
Return-Path: <FURSEOR1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Date: 28 Feb 1994 16:18:16 EST
From: "OR01.FURSE" <FURSEOR1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: REP. FURSE'S EMAIL ADDRESS
To: tcox@netcom.com
Thank you for contacting my office regarding our postings to the
or.politics bulletin board. I appreciated hearing from you. I am pleased
to announce that I have begun utilizing the
[A[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[B[B[B[A[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[[C[C[C[C
group or.politics to help keep constituents appraised of current issues in
Congress that affect them. I was pleased to hear that you found the
information useful. I can also accept Email at FURSEOR0[D1@HR.HOUSE.GOV.
I am pleased to be the first member of Congress to utili[C[C[C[C[D both
email and[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[DE[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[C[Ca news group to communicate
with constituents.
I hope you will contact me regarding matters of concern to you. If I may
ever be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact my
office.
[A[A[A[B[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[-
D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D
[B[B[[A[A[A[A[AOP[D[B[B[B[B[B[B[B.c
[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[-
A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[A[B[B[B[B[B[B[B[B[ D[D[D[D[A[A[A[A
[B[B[D[D[D[D[D[D[D[D Elizabeth Furse
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 94 13:51:49 EDT
From: "Mark J. Reed" <mark.reed@sware.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #21 (shorts) [Klingon Bible]
To: spaf
zippy@cs.brandeis.edu writes:
\ [This leaves the obvious question unanswered; how do you say "get a
\ life" in Klingon? --Pat]
Well, since you asked: "yIn yISuq" - roughly prounounced "yin yi-SHUKE".
Of course, this literal translation likely doesn't have the same idiomatic
meaning to a Klingon - it could easily be misinterptreted as "Take a life!",
for instance, so it would be wise to be careful. :)
[Hmm, I wonder if Klingon would qualify for the foreign language requirement
here for our PhD students? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------