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Yucks Digest V4 #21 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 25 Aug 94 Volume 4 : Issue 21
Today's Topics:
"Hello?!!" understatement of the day
Advice
And you were there...
Another "Who am I on IDS"
color in X
cutie (3 msgs)
Don't Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)
Even God can have too much time on his/her hands
From the (online) JT Toys catalog
from the september "Harper's Index"
FYA: News knows all
Huh.
Incorrect technical claim signature quote of the day
In the EC, Vulcans need not apply
Joke found in jcorley@netcom.com's .signature (2 msgs)
Klingon Bible
Lawn Mower man
MAKE.MONEY.MIND.NUMBINGLY.FAST
Miss Junior Female
murder suspect claims Klingon fluency
No butts about it
None at all? Yucks submission
Quote of the day
Sailing vs. Windsurfing
seen in comp.unix.programmer
seven deadly sisters
Sign of the coming Apocalypse
Software delivery room?
the howling masses grow nearer and nearer
The Information Superhighway
things i'd like to see
Tree-top naked romp accident
Why can't Johnny read (a map)?
YUCKS: submission
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 16:01:39 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "Hello?!!" understatement of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: elan@ee.lbl.gov (Elan Amir)
"It takes away from the individuality of the person."
-- NAACP's Kica Matos criticizing thus the triple
execution in one day in Arkansas.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Aug 94 10:05:06 EDT
From: mkathry@isse.gmu.edu (Kathy Moore)
Subject: Advice
To: spaf
NEVER grab a cat from behind when he is trying
to fight another cat.
Got to go... Time for my aspirin.
[Words of wisdom. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 94 12:48:34 -0700
From: Allen Akin <akin@tuolumne.asd.sgi.com>
Subject: And you were there...
To: Michelle.Arden@eng.sun.com, jmd@cs.dartmouth.edu, spaf, dan@cc.gatech.edu
From: rck@fangio.asd.sgi.com (Robert Keller)
Subject: ctime 777777777 is tommorrow!
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 01:15:44 GMT
For those of you who care about arcane Unix trivia:
ctime 777777777 is tommorrow:
Wed Aug 24 18:22:57 1994 PDT,
Thu Aug 25 01:22:57 1994 UTC.
ie. time_t = 777777777, representing the time in seconds
since 00:00:00 UTC, January 1, 1970.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 94 12:56:42 EST
From: adamsb@un.org
Subject: Another "Who am I on IDS"
To: ids@uow.edu.au
Hey Frank Swift, I recognize your name. You are the guy who sold me a
truck load of experimental corn when we were both getting plastered in a
bar in downtown Boston at the tail end of July. You should have told me
what Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory done to that corn before I
bought it.
I fed it to the hogs and they sure gained weight, but they also got grey
blotches on their teeth that were not there before. Anyways, if you got
anymore of that corn, there is a few countries I deal with that would be
right happy to feed that cheap corn to their people, as long as we dont
tell them where it done come from.
I apologize to all list readers who are more interested in detecting
intruders than in feeding hogs and people.
Bernard Adams, Hog Farmer
Tropical Hog Improvement Programme
Appropriate Technologies Division
United Nations, New York
[This was posted to the intrusion detection mailing list. I'm still
not certain what the intent was... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Aug 94 13:10 EDT
From: tk@research.att.com (Thomas Kirk)
Subject: color in X
To: someone who forwarded it to spaf
from the "he said it better than i could" department,
i found the following within a comment in someone's code
/*
* Found in Don Hopkin`s .plan file:
*
* The color situation is a total flying circus. The X approach to
* device independence is to treat everything like a MicroVax framebuffer
* on acid. A truely portable X application is required to act like the
* persistent customer in the Monty Python ``Cheese Shop'' sketch. Even
* the simplest applications must answer many difficult questions, like:
*
* WHAT IS YOUR DISPLAY?
* display = XOpenDisplay("unix:0");
* WHAT IS YOUR ROOT?
* root = RootWindow(display, DefaultScreen(display));
* AND WHAT IS YOUR WINDOW?
* win = XCreateSimpleWindow(display, root, 0, 0, 256, 256, 1,
* BlackPixel(display, DefaultScreen(display)),
* WhitePixel(display, DefaultScreen(display)))
* OH ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN GO ON.
*
* WHAT IS YOUR DISPLAY?
* display = XOpenDisplay("unix:0");
* WHAT IS YOUR COLORMAP?
* cmap = DefaultColormap(display, DefaultScreen(display));
* AND WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
* favorite_color = 0; /* Black. */
* /* Whoops! No, I mean: */
* favorite_color = BlackPixel(display, DefaultScreen(display));
* /* AAAYYYYEEEEE!! (client dumps core & falls into the chasm) */
*
* WHAT IS YOUR DISPLAY?
* display = XOpenDisplay("unix:0");
* WHAT IS YOUR VISUAL?
* struct XVisualInfo vinfo;
* if (XMatchVisualInfo(display, DefaultScreen(display),
* 8, PseudoColor, &vinfo) != 0)
* visual = vinfo.visual;
* AND WHAT IS THE NET SPEED VELOCITY OF AN XConfigureWindow REQUEST?
* /* Is that a SubStructureRedirectMask or a ResizeRedirectMask? */
* WHAT??! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
* AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!! (server dumps core & falls into the chasm)
*/
------------------------------
Date: 10 Aug 94 04:31:46 EDT (Wed)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: aaz@pucc-i (Marc Mengel)
Two electrical engineering majors were standing on campus. One
said to the other "Hey, where'd you get the new bike?"
The other replied, "Well, the other day this education major rode
up to me on her bike, jumped off, tore off all her clothes, and said
I could have anything I wanted. So I took the bike."
"Good idea," replied the other "The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit you!"
------------------------------
Date: 16 Aug 94 04:31:25 EDT (Tue)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: emoryu1!dstrange (Doris Strange)
For all you folks who think UNIX makes sense...
( With Apologies to Joyce Kilmer )
I think that I will never gawk,
But henceforth shall I truly awk.
My Pipes of Pan, relinquished lore,
For Unix pipes hooked into more;
And SOS, I meekly sigh
Forgotten now: I use VI.
Hence DCL I leave for C
For only root can mkfs a tree.
(From the impassioned perverted pen of an
ex-music-and-English-teacher-turned-systems-programmer
upon the completion of her first UNIX utility...)
------------------------------
Date: 17 Aug 94 04:31:25 EDT (Wed)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by john@dido (John Collins)
Hacker special joke...
Man in petshop: Hey why does that bird keep saying "Pieces of Seven"?
Surely it should say "Pieces of Eight"?
Shopkeeper: The price on that bird is reduced as it has a "Parroty" error.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 94 17:25:12 EDT
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Don't Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)
To: yucks
Well, I haven't written the entire song, but I did write the bridge:
-------
"Don`t Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)"
Verse 1
Chorus
Verse 2
Chorus
Bridge:
(Spoken over muted instrumental)
Baby, you left me stranded at the free throw line of love...
on a fast break with nobody to pass to.
(music swells)
So now I'm back on the bench, waiting for the second half...
(singing) to star-ar-ar-art! (da-da-da-DUM!)
Verse 3
Chorus
Fade and Repeat
-------
I'd finish it, but I'm afraid someone might try to perform it.
[I think many of us share that same fear, Rich. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 94 11:11:21 PDT
From: Ron.Kleinman@Eng.Sun.COM (Ron Kleinman)
Subject: Even God can have too much time on his/her hands
To: spaf, brd@shadows.Eng.Sun.COM
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those
days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet
exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit.
This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't.
God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the
rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And
so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits
followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift'
instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a
single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit.
And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays.
Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must
have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 23:21:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From the (online) JT Toys catalog
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From the JT Toys catalog at
ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/jttoys/catalog
(I was only reading it to test some changes I'd made to Mosaic to
display better error messages, honest...):
2. DILDOS, ETC...
----------------------------------
shaft
length diameter
A399 4.5" 1" Tiny Dick, Black 8.00
A400 4.5" 1" Tiny Dick, Beige 8.00
A443 5" 1 1/4" Realistic Penis Dildo, Beige 12.50
A066 6" 1 3/4" Average Penis Dildo, Black 9.75
A226 6" 1 3/4" Average Penis Dildo, Beige 9.75
A225 6" 1 3/4" Average Penis Dildo, Pink 10.75
A067 7" 1 7/8" Large Penis Dildo, Black 11.00
A228 7" 1 7/8" Large Penis Dildo, Beige 11.00
A227 7" 1 7/8" Large Penis Dildo, Pink 12.00
A068 9" 2" Huge Penis Dildo, Black 13.00
A230 9" 2" Huge Penis Dildo, Beige 13.00
A229 9" 2" Huge Penis Dildo, Pink 13.75
I like the distinction between "Realistic" and "Average".
They also offer
A178 The Life Saver Vibrator 5.50
A fun novelty item: a small, hard-working 4.5" plastic vib; It comes
in a case with orange, red, yellow and green stripes which make it look
like a large roll of that famous candy. An excellent gift idea, and a
nice trick to keep up your sleeve -- or in your purse. Takes one AA
battery.
A364 The Big Life Saver Vibrator 6.75 A longer
version of the Life Saver, this is a slim, 7" vibrator, in the same fun
packaging. Takes 2 AA batteries.
and, of course (smiley in the original):
BATTERIES: Made available for your one-stop shopping convenience :-).
A035 AA Batteries .25 each
A036 C Batteries, 2-pack .75 (for 2)
These are generic batteries that we buy in bulk. They work just fine,
and last almost as long as a brand-name general purpose battery at a
fraction of the price.
[Then there is the 3B20 Life Saver that takes 2 Delco Freedom
batteries... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Aug 94 11:07:55 EDT
From: kclark@pandora.ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: from the september "Harper's Index"
To: spaf
Ratio of Internet posts to ``alt.fan.oj-simpson.drive.faster'' to
posts to ``alt.fan.oj-simpson.die.die.die'' last June 20-21: 3:1
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 1994 10:33:26 -0500
From: raf@staff.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: FYA: News knows all
To: Jeff Smith <jsmith@staff.cc.purdue.edu>
After restarting the news server on zoyd.cc after a "crash", I looked
at the serverlog and found this:
=====
Aug 17 08:15:11.282 c mozo.cc.purdue.edu <3496@jagubox.gsfc.nasa.gov> Cancelling
<3434@jagubox.gsfc.n lost it.
Stick your head in a toilet and flush three times. Repeat if necessary. And
get a life.
=====
I guess the machine didn't like being powered off :)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 1994 09:31:51 -0400
From: jbowyer@marge.hq.af.mil (SphinX)
Subject: Huh.
To: spaf
For anyone with a sense of humor:
http://anther.learning.cs.cmu.edu/priest.html
[Those of you with WWW should definitely check it out. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 08:07:22 -0400
From: (null)
Subject: Incorrect technical claim signature quote of the day
To: spaf
From: Names changed to protect the, ah, guilty
Subject: Incorrect technical claim signature quote of the day
J. Allard jallard@microsoft.com
Program Manager of TCP/IP Technologies work: (206)882-8080
Microsoft Corporation home: (206)860-8862
"On the Internet, nobody knows you're running Windows NT"
to which I say "nonsense" - anybody who has access to a tool that dumps
DNS records can know that Microsoft is:
weaver% /usr/etc/nslookup
Default Server: weaver-e0.netapp.com
Address: 192.9.200.45
Aliases: weaver.netapp.com
> set type=any
> set domain=/dev/null
> www.microsoft.com
Server: weaver-e0.netapp.com
Address: 192.9.200.45
Aliases: weaver.netapp.com
Non-authoritative answer:
www.microsoft.com inet address = 131.107.1.210
Authoritative answers can be found from:
ATBD.MICROSOFT.COM inet address = 131.107.1.7
DNS1.NWNET.NET inet address = 192.220.250.1
DNS2.NWNET.NET inet address = 192.220.251.1
> server atbd.microsoft.com
Default Server: atbd.microsoft.com
Address: 131.107.1.7
> www.microsoft.com
Server: atbd.microsoft.com
Address: 131.107.1.7
www.microsoft.com inet address = 131.107.1.210
www.microsoft.com MikeMas, JAllard, or DavidTr
www.microsoft.com CPU=Intel 486 OS=Windows/NT 3.5
www.microsoft.com preference = 10, mail exchanger =
netmail.microsoft.com
netmail.microsoft.com inet address = 131.107.1.3
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 94 16:11:44 PDT
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.com (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: In the EC, Vulcans need not apply
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
[ Paraphrased from the "Wall Street Journal", on or a little
bit before Aug 5, 1994 ; the person who transcribed the article
from the paper and e-mailed it to be omitted the date. ]
The European Union (EU) back in February of 1994 established a
$ 87.1 million quota on "non-human" dolls imported from China. So,
British and other customs agents have taken the responsibility of
determining the "humanity" of Chinese-made dolls. Apparently, dolls
which are non-human are "blacklisted" ( the word used in the article )
and not allowed into European markets.
European trekkers were shocked to find that Mr. Spock dolls
were being subjected to this quota, especially since he's half-
human. But the British customs office affirms that "You don't
find a human with ears that size." Captain Kirk dolls have been
declared to not be affected by the quota.
Britain petitioned the EU to drop the quota, but only managed
to get the quota lifted from non-human "teddy bear" dolls.
[I've always thought of Spock as a more human character than Barbie,
but go figure international politics.]
"Funny, isn't it, how naughty dentists always make
one fatal mistake."
-- Lemming of the BDA
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 14:09:36 -0400
From: mgfrank@erebus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Joke found in jcorley@netcom.com's .signature
To: spaf
"Senator Kennedy, what are you going to do about the abortion bill?"
"Pay it, I guess."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 11:31:46 -0700
From: Andrew.Choi@Barra.COM
Subject: Joke found in jcorley@netcom.com's .signature
To: spaf
I have a better joke!
Q: What do sendmail and God have in common?
A: They are both holy.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 18:50:44 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Klingon Bible
To: spaf
Date: Sun, 14 Aug 1994 10:53:54 -0400 (EDT)
From: John L Redford <jlr@world.std.com>
Subject: Klingon Bible Schism
To: silent-tristero
>From Locus magazine, 8/94 pg 9:
"A Bible-translation group at the University of Minnesota has split over
the correct way to translate the Bible into Klingon. Language
instructor Glen Proechel is working on a paraphrased New Testament,
while rival linguist Dr. Lawrence Schoen and others are working on a
literal translation of the entire Bible. The problem lies in the
cultural differences; for example, Klingon has no words for concepts such
as "mercy and "compassion." Proechel feels that reinterpreting the Bible
in concepts understandable to the Klingons is more useful, while Schoen
says "You don't mess around with the Bible." The translations are being
done from Greek, and other original languages.
Klingon has seemingly become the most popular artificial language ever,
since it was invented by a linguist in 1984 for Star Trek III. There are
Klingon newsletters, Internet conversation groups [alt.startrek.klingon],
and audio cassettes. Weddings have been performed in Klingon, and there
are more than a quarter million copies of "The Klingon Dictionary" in
print. The languages also seems to be evolving and changing - just like
a real one."
/jlr (John Redford, jlr@world.std.com)
[This leaves the obvious question unanswered; how do you say "get a
life" in Klingon? --Pat]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 13:24:33 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Lawn Mower man
To: spaf
From a mailing list...
> Hey, when driving in Iowa, watch out for old guys on lawnmowers. :-)
> I read a story in the paper this morning about an old guy about 80
> who was too poor-sighted to get a driver's license and too proud
> to have somebody drive him, so upon hearing of his brother's stroke,
> bought a lawnmower (one of those mini-tractor-like types) and a
> trailer, and drive 240 miles to his brother's house. Only took him
> about 50 days. His lawnmower broke down several times. On good days
> he averaged 5mph for 10 hours.
This guy is from Laurens, Iowa, which is just a few miles from the
little town where Georgi is from (Webb). The article said that he had
to spend all the money he had the first time the lawnmower broke down,
so he just camped at the side of the road until the next month's
Social Security check arrived!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 23:53:38 -0400
From: Threadkiller <arensb@cfar.umd.edu>
Subject: MAKE.MONEY.MIND.NUMBINGLY.FAST
To: spaf
Dear Friends,
My name is Andrew Arensburger. I would like to tell you how
I made over $10,000 IN ONLY A FEW DAYS, and how YOU TOO can be part
of this FOOLPROOF MONEY-MAKING enterprise.
THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER! It is completely legal. Chain
letters, also known as Ponzi schemes or pyramid schemes, are illegal
because they eventually bottom out and the people at the bottom get
screwed. With my technique, since you can participate AS OFTEN AS
YOU LIKE, there's no bottom to bottom out, keeping the CASH FLOWING
LIKE WATER FOREVER!
Just send $1.00 to the address at the bottom of this letter.
Then make five (5) copies and send them off to your friends. DO NOT
change the address! Make sure that your friends send their $1.00 to
the same address as you got. As I said earlier, THIS IS NOT A
PYRAMID SCHEME.
If you get this letter again, as you doubtless will, more and
more often, just FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS again, the $$$ will CONTINUE
ROLLING IN.
This scheme works so well, I've already made $750 since I
started writing this letter. Isn't this AMAZING? Wouldn't YOU like to
be A PART OF THIS?
Send $1.00 or your first-born to:
P.O.Box 0001
Washington, DC, 20000-0001
Once again, just so we're clear on this: DO NOT change the address
above! Make sure that all of your and your friends' money goes to me!
This is the only way to ensure that THE SYSTEM WORKS and remains
COMPLETELY LEGAL. If you change the address, you will turn this letter
into a pyramid scheme, and BIG BURLY MEN WITH CLUBS WILL ARREST YOU
AND THROW YOU IN THE POKEY!
So keep those checks coming, folks! Make the system work!
/AA/
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 1994 06:31:52 -0600 (MDT)
From: Joseph Poirier <snag@acca.nmsu.edu>
Subject: Miss Junior Female
To: hellfire@math.okstate.edu (hellfire), bob (BobList)
>From the latest Consumer Reports...
Flyers from "Miss Junior America: the one and only career-oriented,
new lifestyle pageant," arrived in a reader's mail. A letter told Lois
Martinez, "You have been recommended for our city queen program by a
teacher/student in your school or your dance/modeling/voice instructor...
We only consider new applications upon recommendation from established
community leaders and upstanding citizens."
Instead of being flattered, our reader was flummoxed. "Lois," she
informed us, "is my cat." Despite the fact that the pagaent's founding
principles include honesty, our reader surmised that Miss Junior
America found out about Lois from a mailing list on which the cat's
name appears, not from any community leader. After all, our reader
said, she has never known the cat to take dance, modeling, or voice
lessons or to associate with anyone in the community, upstanding or not.
------------------------------
From: Douglas Zander <dzander@solaria.sol.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.info
Subject: murder suspect claims Klingon fluency
Date: 16 Aug 1994 07:31:43 GMT
(Hi Jim, thought I'd submit this for your approval. I heard about this
on a local television station (WTMJ-4) and further read about it in
The Milwaukee Journal.)
James Oswald, 49, an alleged bank robber and accused of murdering
a police officer, told a judge that he was fluent in Klingon and that
some papers confiscated from his jail cell were written in Klingon
and Jovian, a language Oswald claims to have invented. Several
papers written by Oswald were confiscated from his jail cell and
believed to be escape plans, according to the prosecutor; but Oswald
and his attorney claim that the papers are confidential materials between
the client and his attorney and ask that the papers be returned to
Oswald. The judge ruled that the confiscated papers will be examined
by himself and a discision will be made whether they be returned to
Oswald or given over to the prosecutor.
To paraphrase Oswald's attorney, "This is the first time one of
my clients wrote to me in Klingon."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 94 17:07:59 PDT
From: ross@qcktrn.com ( Gary Ross )
Subject: No butts about it
To: spaf
----- Begin Included Message -----
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 94 15:09:58 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: No butts about it
The Cane Mutiny?
Lashdance?
Red Moon Rising?
Ernest Goes to Singapore?
S.
> In lieu of today's Top Ten list...
> ===============================
> Michael Fay, the American teenager who was roundly thrashed for
> his misadventures in Singapore, is currently negotiating for the
> movie rights to his story. Following is the top 20 list of possible
> titles for his epic tale:
> Content-Length: 398
> X-Lines: 23
>
> 20. Lethal Whuppin'
> 19. Young Spankenstein
> 18. A Fistful of Hollers
> 17. The Lash Detail
> 16. Bang the Buns Slowly
> 15. Cane's World
> 14. Beat Yerassic Park
> 13. Moonstruck
> 12. Blazing Saddles
> 11. My Left Cheek
> 10. American Graffiti
> 9. Fleshdance
> 8. Buttman
> 7. My Fair Heinie
> 6. Rear Unpleasant Danger
> 5. Lashee, Go Home
> 4. Bunsmoke
> 3. Field of Screams
> 2. Bunsmoke
> 1. Sorest Rump
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 1994 16:37:02 +0300
From: Ury Segal <ury@CS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject: None at all? Yucks submission
To: mandrews@chi.ahc.ameritech.com
You wrote:
> I spotted a warning sticker on both entrance doors to Sally's Restaurant,
> a pancake house on Harlem Avenue in Harwood Heights, IL:
>
> NO FOOD OR DRINK
> IN RESTAURANT
When I was a child, I lived in a small place, and there was ONE factory,
with a huge sign in the entrance:
NO WORK SHOULD BE DONE AT THE FACTORY
( It was adressed to the non-owners of the factory who uses it's machinery
because there were no others in 100Km radius... )
Once a jurnalist saw it and wrote:
"Intresting ; what DO they do there ?"
I still have the piece of newspaper with the picture and the comment...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 04:20:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"This is the biggest story I have ever seen. Or at least the latest
biggest story."
- Steve Friedman, executive producer of NBC's Today Show on the
O.J. Simpson story. Quoted in the Montreal Gazette, July 6, 1994.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 17:21:47 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sailing vs. Windsurfing
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: Chris LaFournaise <lafourc@sequent.com>
Forwards ripped....
Someone once said that to experience the thrill of sailing
one only needs to go in the shower fully clothed, turn the cold
water on, and start tearing up $20 bills.
To experience the thrill of windsurfing follow the same
instructions with a minor variation: once in a while throw yourself
against the wall.
-- Luigi Semenzato
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 94 10:56:46 EDT
From: kclark@pandora.ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: seen in comp.unix.programmer
To: spaf
Some very confused person wrote:
> The proper way to kill processes is to eliminate the child process
> first, then the parent of that child. Since the child was created
> by the parent process, it will always have a higher process number
> than its parent. But there is an exception to this rule, if you
> parent id was created and had a process number of 19999 and you then
> created a child, then your process number for the child could be 00001.
[yeah, and if you divide by 0 your head explodes... -kevin]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 18:20:36 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: seven deadly sisters
To: spaf
From: Art Medlar <medlar@adoc.xerox.com>
To: silent-tristero
Subject: Re: Seven Deadly Sins Explained
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 12:00:42 PDT
>The easiest way to remember the 7 Deadly Sins is to remember
>the castaways of Gilligan's Island:
Hmmm... what other sort of seven-thingie analogies
might there be?
Seven Wonders of the Ancient World / Seven Deadly Sins:
Pyramids of Egypt -> Pride
Hanging Gardens of Babylon -> Lust
Colossus of Rhodes -> Gluttony
Statue of Zeus at Olympia -> Wrath
Mausoleum at Halicarnassus -> Sloth
Temple at Ephesus -> Envy
Lighthouse at Alaxandria -> Avarice
Seven Against Thebes / Seven Dwarves:
Tydeus -> Grumpy
Polinices -> Bashful
Amphiaraus -> Dopey
Capaneus -> Sneezy
Adrastus -> Doc
Hippomedon -> Sleepy
Parthenopaeus -> Happy
Seven Sisters / Seven Deadly Sins:
Radcliffe -> Lust
Barnard -> Lust
Smith -> Lust
Wellesley -> Lust
Vassar -> Lust
Bryn Mawr -> Lust
Mt Holyoke -> Sloth
Whoops, I'd better stop now before I get into -real- trouble.....
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 16:59:48 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Sign of the coming Apocalypse
To: spaf
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 1994 09:55:02 +0800
From: danfuzz@wastelands.kaleida.com (Dan Bornstein)
To: silent-tristero
Subject: Second sign of the apocalypse
http://www.pizzahut.com/
-dan
danfuzz@kaleida.com Will you dance with me, my little pickled herring?
-- Legendary Pink Dots
[for those of you who are WWW-deprived, this is a service where you
can order pizza using your net connection. The requests go to the
Pizza Hut net center in Wichita, and get sent out to Pizza Hut
franchise nearest to you. --Pat]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Aug 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: lhc@pls.com (Larry Cynkin)
Subject: Software delivery room?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is original (I think):
A colleague recently congratulated a new mother within the company on her "on-
time delivery of Release 1." I felt compelled to point out a few differences
between delivering our software and delivering their bouncing bundle of joy:
1. They didn't have to satisfy anybody else's specs.
2. They only had to get the hardware to work once.
3. No QA. All of the bugs are going to be worked out after delivery.
4) Only one release at a time, on one platform.
5) She gets weeks off from work immediately following delivery.
One similarity: "The quality goes in before the name goes on."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 18:44:15 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: the howling masses grow nearer and nearer
To: eniac
>On Tue, 16 Aug 1994, Brian Kantor wrote:
>> Do you know that you posted your article in groups for Japan, South
>> Africa, Taiwan, England, and the Soviet Union? What does this say
>> about your knowledge and experience with the internet?
>> - Brian
>From jhatch@iii.net Wed Aug 17 01:11:50 1994
>Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 21:10:45 -0400
>From: Jason Hatch <jhatch@iii.net>
>Subject: Re: Wanted Sun/IBM systems/parts
>To: Brian Kantor <brian@nothing.ucsd.edu>
>
>I posted it on every group that said items forsale. Many of them listed
>american cities, and I have seen non which listed other countries.
>
>What it says about my knowlege of the internet is that I'm a power user.
>I wrote a c program which grepped "forsale" from every description line
>and then piped a file into the message at regulart intervals.
>
>Unless you want me to flood your mailbox to hell, keep your comments to
>your self.
>
>-Jason
[I guess it doesn't take much to be a "power user" anymore, except an
inability to spell and a bad attitude. Yet another in the series of why
I love the net... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 14 Aug 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: chrisg@access.digex.net (Chris Green)
Subject: The Information Superhighway
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: It's just like the internet, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o you can't post and there's no killfile.
o there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
o rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
o everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
o the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for
long distance.
A: It's just like cable TV, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o the picture isn't as good.
o there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
o you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any Al Gore speech
for only $2.00.
o no public access channels.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like renting videos, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
o no porno.
o there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch twice.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like the telephone, except:
o it's a lot more expensive.
o there's no one to talk to.
o there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
o every number is a toll call.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jul 1994 00:49:00 GMT
From: crisper@armory.com (Crisper Than Thou)
Subject: things i'd like to see
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
A web page for the Weekly World News.
The thought of being able to click _here_ and see a 450K MPEG of a
two-headed cow giving birth to Satan fills me with unspeakable glee.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Aug 94 08:59:51 -0800
From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton)
Subject: Tree-top naked romp accident
To: to-humor@wiretap.spies.com
From Reuters, London.
A woman was treated for a broken leg after she fell naken form a tree
whileahaving sex in a park near Windsor Castle, a British newspaper said yesterday.
"The young couple had apparently gone to the Great Park for a bit
ofnookie and decided to climb the oak tree to add a bit of spice to the
session," a park spokesman told the Times.
"As they reached the height of their passion, the woman slipped from one
of the branches at the top of the tree and plunced to the ground. It was
a very clear case of coitus interruptus."
Officials at the park near Windsor Castle, one of Queen Elizabeth's
royal residences west of London, said the woman was taken to a nearby hospital.
"It was early in the morning, and there were very few people about. The
ambulance crew couldn't believe their eyes," said one.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: ren@rap.ucar.edu (Ren Tescher)
Subject: Why can't Johnny read (a map)?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I recently received a copy of SGI's 'Expressware'
catalog, which lists various 3rd party sources of hardware
and software. Nothing much to report there, except toward
the back on page 49 it lists 'International Sales Offices'.
Under the 'Europe' category it lists the Israeli office.
Under the 'Mediterranean' category it lists;
Bahrain [sic] (on the Persian Gulf)
Austria (landlocked in Central Europe)
Russia (on the Black Sea)
And under the 'South Pacific and Latin America' category,
India (along the Indian Ocean)
I checked the entire catalog, "Where in the World is
Carmen Sandiego?" was not listed under software sales. Maybe recent
high school graduates helped assemble the list?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 1994 12:29:31 -0400 (EDT)
From: shl@cc.gatech.edu (Susan Liebeskind)
Subject: YUCKS: submission
To: spaf
>From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Aug 13, bastion of the
free press.
-------------
WAGNERIAN DEATH
The Copenhagen Zoo announced that one of its okapis, a rare African
mammal related to the giraffe, died from stress apparently triggered
by opera singers rehearsing 300 yards away in a park. The 6-year-old
female started hyperventilating and collapsed after Royal Theater
performers began singing selections from "Tannhauser". Okapi can
be severaly affected by unusual sounds, according to zoo spokesman
Peter Haase. He said that neither a calf nor a male okapi, also at
the zoo, apepared to react to the singing. The Royal Theater will
move the upcoming concert away from the zoo.
---------------
Perhaps the performers were singing "okapella"? :-)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------