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Yucks Digest V4 #20 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 8 Aug 94 Volume 4 : Issue 20
Today's Topics:
Ascii Map of the USA
Awk emulator in /bin/sh
Bronze Rat
But he was so quiet... (original)
Charmingly direct and to-the-point.
Curious Swimmer, or ... ?
Don King in court
firewalls...
further on up the road
FW: Wacko (possible Yucks material)
FYA
Giggle Du Jour (fwd)
How much is that?
Incendiary bats [2]
info on computers in art
Interesting storm report from yesterday
Lassie's secret identity revealed
MicroSoft Humor
my dear, you're a lovely shade of pale tonight
nerds
New Yuppy Food? MICE FUTURES ARE TRADING UP IN CHINA
None at all? Yucks submission
notice the name of the mailer
O.J. Simpson & the Flat Earth Society conspiracy
Peeing
truth is stranger than fiction
oooooooooooooo-boy
Have you had your morning coffee yet?
PERL as a first programming language?
Quick one
Quote of the day
Relief effort for Jupiter
Rush Limbaugh
signature
signature of the day
tales of the weird
Unsubscribe to com-priv and get a free copy of 1984!
yet more O.J. humour
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Aug 1994 03:48:51 -0500
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: Ascii Map of the USA
To: nobody@cs.utexas.edu
Geography List:
Found the below is alt.ascii-art today. Suitable for framing...
,__ _,
\~\| ~~---___ , | \
| Wash./ | ~~~~~~~|~~~~~| ~~---, VT_/,ME>
/~-_--__| | Montana |N Dak\ Minn/ ~\~~/Mich. /~| ||,'
|Oregon / \ |------| { WI / /~) __-NY',|_\,NH
/ |Ida.|~~~~~~~~|S Dak.\ \ | | '~\ |_____,|~,-'Mass.
|~~--__ | | Wyoming|____ |~~~~~|--| |__ /_-'Penn.{,~Conn (RI)
| | ~~~|~~| | ~~\ Iowa/ `-' |`~ |~_____{/NJ
| | | '---------, Nebr.\----| IL|IN|OH,' ~/~\,|`MD (DE)
', \ Nev.|Utah| Colo. |~~~~~~~| \ | ,'~~\WV/ VA |
|Cal\ | | | Kansas| MO \_-~ KY /`~___--\
', \ ,-----|-------+-------'_____/__----~~/N Car./
'_ '\| | |~~~|Okla.| | Tenn._/-,~~-,/
\ |Ariz.| New | |_ |Ark./~~|~~\ \,/S Car.
~~~-' | Mex. | `~~~\___|MS |AL | GA /
'-,_ | _____| | / | ,-'---~\
`~'~ \ Texas |LA`--,~~~~-~~,FL\
\/~\ /~~~`---` | \
\ / \ |
\ | '\'
`~'
[Some people have entirely too much free time.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 14:10:18 PDT
From: ross@qcktrn.com ( Gary Ross )
Subject: Awk emulator in /bin/sh
To: yucks
This joke is for unix geeks only.
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 10:43:43 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
To: uunet!cadence.com!pdh, uunet!qcktrn.com!ross, uunet!cisco.com!eli
Subject: Awk emulator in /bin/sh
[Boring crap excised]
>
> You don't have awk? Use this simple shell emulation:
> #!/bin/sh
> #
> echo awk: bailing out at source line 1
> exit 2
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 17:36:15 -0400
From: mgfrank@erebus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Bronze Rat
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
An excellent place to look for the bronze rat story would be in Yucks
volume 4 issue 18. :-)
[*Blush* I was greping for "brass" and missed "bronze" entirely.
My thanks to everyone who responded to my request for the story. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 12:10:36 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: But he was so quiet... (original)
To: SPAF
"He was such a quiet kind of guy; pretty much kept to himself."
How often have you heard this statement when news reporters
interview neighbors of the perpetrator of the latest grisly
crime somewhere?
Let's get these guys a (normal) hobby!!
Write to your Senators and Representatives to ask them to
insert a clause in the national crime bill that provides for
finding these guys and getting them involved in something
constructive!
Reduce senseless crime!
Your neighbors and local hobby shops will appreciate it!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Jul 94 15:05:43 PDT
From: ross@qcktrn.com ( Gary Ross )
Subject: Charmingly direct and to-the-point.
To: yucks
Date: Thu, 28 Jul 94 14:53:44 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
To: uunet!scuacc.scu.edu!amsargent
Subject: Charmingly direct and to-the-point.
> From amber_luttrell*@quickmail.apple.com Tue Jun 21 15:19:51 1994
> From: "Amber Luttrell*" <amber_luttrell*@quickmail.apple.com>
> Subject: Amber's Quote of the Day Se
> To: "Steve Sargent" <sbs>
>
> Amber's Quote of the Day Service
> "Without a face, you're just a bonehead."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 94 09:45:50 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Curious Swimmer, or ... ?
To: spaf
From a Miami paper:
July 17, 1994 (AP)
LAKELAND -- Police and paramedics made an early-morning call to a motel
to free a man whose penis was caught in a swimming pool suction fitting.
A clerk at the Scottish Inn motel made a 911 call at 4:45 a.m. Friday,
saying the 33-year-old man was trapped in a swimming pool.
"As I approached the man," a police officer wrote in his report, "I
could see his pants were down to his knees and his penis was stuck in a
suction hole located on the northside wall of the swimming pool."
A police officer identified the man as Robert Scott Cheuvront of
Lakeland.
The pool's pump was shut off before the paramedics arrived, but the
man still could not free himself because his penis had become swollen
in the small hole that serves as a part of the pool's filtration system.
Paramedics inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting, and after
about 40 minutes, authorities were able to free the man. He was treated
at Lakeland Regional Medical Center and released with bruised genitalia.
[That isn't what they mean by "doing laps." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 94 12:20:02 EDT
From: hsano@cs.uml.edu (Hitoshi Sano)
Subject: Don King in court
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Famous boxing promoter Don King has been accused of "wire fraud".
I KNEW that wasn't his real hair!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 94 13:47:35 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: firewalls...
To: spaf
Steve Coulber <stevec@hookup.net> wrote:
=> >Just what is a firewall anyway?
=> >I use a MS dos / Windows system, do I need one?
lsloan@umcc.umcc.umich.edu (Lance Sloan) responded
=> Steve,
=>
=> You should most definitely consider getting a firewall, they are very
=> useful. They are used for protecting networked computers from, naturally,
=> fire. It is often the case that a fire may start on some host connected to
=> the Internet and it spreads to other hosts nearby via the networks. If you
=> have a firewall, you can prevent an ATF (asynchronously transmitted fire)
=> from reaching your computer.
=>
=> Firewalls are usually very strong and they are good for other types of fires
=> besides electrical. I found my firewall to work so well that I got a second
=> one and installed it in my car.
=>
=> Hope this helps!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 17 Jul 1994 06:35:54 -0500
From: Peter da Silva <peter@bonkers.taronga.com>
Subject: further on up the road
> garret pointed out tonight that PLEASE DON'T PLAY THAT SONG, THAT
> ACHY BREAKY SONG sounds a lot like "living on tulsa time" by eric
> clapton. and it's true, you can sing the words of achy breaky to
> tulsa time, strange but definitely true and definitely worth get-
> ting out your copy of tulsa time in order to listen for yourself
And of course yu can sing *anything* to Waltzing Matilda.
Once a password hacker sat by a terminal
Under the shade of a binary tree
And he sang as he sat and waited til' his code compiled
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me"
"Cracking computers, hacking computers
You'll come a-cracking computers with me"
And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me"
Down came a user, to login to that terminal
Up sat the cracker, and watched him with glee
And he sang as he saved that password in a datafile
"You'll come a-cracking computers with me"
In came the sysop, watching on his monitor
In came a super-user or three
"Oh whose is that password, you've got in your datafile?
You've been a-cracking computers I see!"
Up jumped the cracker, turned off his terminal.
"You'll never catch me online" said he!
But his code can be heard as you login to that terminal
"Who'll come a-cracking computers with me?"
-- Peter da Silva, 1984
Apologies to Banjo Patterson
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 10:02:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: FW: Wacko (possible Yucks material)
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
This was posted in the Soapbox on Tri-State Online (tso.uc.edu). The
Soapbox is a forum for arguments of all sorts, primarily political. TSO
people recently had a picnic so we could meet in person the people we seen
on-line.
FORWARDED FROM: /media/soapbox(#26691) From:lvarney(Larry Varney)
I mentioned at the picnic that, no matter how crazy we might think that
"other" Soapboxer is, they don't hold a candle to some of the people I've
seen
on the Encounters Forum on CompuServe. The following is from a guy who has
been abducted many times (by space aliens), and is his explanation about two
types of aliens:
-----------------------------------
I agree with you they have no soul. I disagree how you think they got into
that condition. Grays are artificially created lifeforms. The product of
Nordic labor. Nordics are the off spring of breeding between
humans and angels (of the fallen variety). At the time of the Lucifer
Rebellion, this section was cut off from the rest of the universe and
with it, the source of souls. The Universe has the exclusive distribution
rights here. Lucifer, and Satan, and the few that followed them began the
creation of new hybrid races. Top on that ladder are the Nordics. Neither
they, nor any of the hybrids they've created have ever received a soul.
Whether that will change in the future, remains to be seen.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Aug 1994 16:50:06 -0500
From: comer (Douglas Comer)
Subject: FYA
To: important-people
J. Allard, who works for Microsoft, has the following in his signature:
"On the Internet, nobody knows you're running Windows NT"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 94 21:02:23 PDT
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Subject: Giggle Du Jour (fwd)
To: eniac
>From The New Republic, July 11, page 8
(reprinted without permission)
"THIS JUST IN FROM MARS: "The openly heterosexual former football player,
O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of his
former wife and her companion. The arrest sent shock waves throughout the
heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons revived old
stereotypes that surrond the heterosexual lifestyle. "Wife-beating is not
equivalent to being heterosexual," said Joe Eightpack, a spokesman for the
Straight Alliance Against Defamation. "While it's true that some
heterosexuals engage in spousal abuse, it's still no more common among
straights than among gays." But opponents of heterosexual rights seized
on the incident. "Every year, hundreds of thousands of women are victims
of this immoral subculture," said the Rev. Donald Gaylord, spokesman for
the Concerned Homosexuals of America. "There appears to have been a
heterosexual ring in Los Angeles, including the police force, that
covered up this depraved activity for years. I'm particularly concerned
about saving our children from this kind of example." Statistics suggest
a large minority of heterosexual males are involved in some kind of
domestic violence: one in four heterosexual relationships involves
violence, with 2 million to 4 million women affected each year.
Researchers who claim that heterosexuality is a choice and not, as some
believe, involuntary, argue that this makes it even more important not to
give social sanction to the activity. "It's not heterosexuals that we're
opposed to," argues Gaylord. "It's their self-destructive lifestyle."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Jul 94 14:38:11 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: How much is that?
To: spaf
Sammy Allred, radio talk show host and country singer, says that
students aren't learning enough math. "If the cash register (the
one with the pictures of cheese-burgers and fries on the buttons)
isn't working, they don't know how much change to give you if it's
75 cents and you give 'em a dollar," Allred said. "Forty-six
precent of high school graduates can't divide fractions -- almost
one-third," he said.
------------------------------
From: "Gene Kim" <gkim@cs.arizona.edu>
To: bob
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 12:51:33 -0700
Subject: Incendiary bats
Pigeon guided bombs? Incendiary bats? I admit that I'm a big fan
of outrageous defense funded research, but...
Gene
>sci.military (moderated) #35913 (3 + 11 more) (1)+-(1)
>From: Stuart Grant <grant@psych.toronto.edu> \-(1)+-(1)--[1]
>[1] Re: Pigeon Guided Munition \-[2]
>Organization: Department of Psychology, University of [1]--[1]
>+ Toronto
>Date: Mon Apr 18 09:38:33 MST 1994
>
>
>From Stuart Grant <grant@psych.toronto.edu>
>
>Yes, there was a project to use pigeons to guide weapons. I can't
>recall where I read about it, perhaps in an issue of Human Factors.
>I'll do the best I can from memory.
>
>The pigeons were placed in the front end of a tube. They were strapped
>in place, with a clear nosecone on the mock "missile". Above, below, left
>and right of the window, there were keys that the bird could peck. These,
>of course, were linked to a steering mechansim. Through a process of shaping
>the bird was trained to keep the target centered in the window by pecking
>on the appropriate key. In training the bird was strapped in the
>"missile simulator" :-) with a silhouette of the target placed some distance
>ahead. The apparatus would begin to move forward and the pigeon pecked
>the keys until the apparatus collided with the target silhouette. At
>the end of training the simulation got more realistic, with lots of noises
>and shocks added.
>
>I believe the targets were mostly ships, but they also did some work with
>buildings such as factories.
>
>The project was very promising. The birds performed very well in
>training (I don't think any operational tests were ever conducted), they
>were cheap [cheep ;-) ?] , and the training wasn't very difficult.
>
>Pigeons were chosen because of their keen eyesight, their availability,
>their quickness to learn, their temperment, and it was expected that
>they could withstand the movements of the missile.
>
>I have used the term missile here, but that could be wrong. I don't
>recall if there was any engine on the munition. It might have been
>a gravity bomb.
>
>The project was eventually scrapped due to the promising advances
>with radar guidance.
>
>
>There was also a plan to use incendiary bats. Small time delayed
>incendiary charges would be strapped on bats and the bats released
>during the day over enemy cities. The bats were to fly around and take
>roost in attics and under roofs. The charges would then go off and the
>building catch fire. This, too, was never used.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 15:20:55 -0500
From: David L Stevens <dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: Incendiary bats
To: "Gene Kim" <gkim@cs.arizona.edu>
I've heard about the pigeons; it was a project during World War II
to develop anti-shipping weapons. But without the computers and guidance
systems on cruise missles today, they worked with what they had. As I
understand it, they had video screens and cameras attached basically to
small airplanes loaded with high explosives. Didn't have to be very good
images because a ship in an ocean kind of stands out. They trained the
pigeons to peck on plates to keep the image centered, and the plates adjusted
the flight path.
There was a segment about it in a show on PBS about the development
of ICBMs. Which, as everyone knows, still employ pigeons in their guidance
systems. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 94 13:43:16 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: info on computers in art
To: spaf
evans861@raven.csrv.uidaho.edu (Evans Darrell J) wrote:
=> I need info on computers in Art.
and marcusd@lsl.co.uk explained....
=> 1) Take a large sheet of art board.
=> 2) Paint it your favourite colour (blue?).
=> 3) Cover board with contact adhesive.
=> 4) Take one computer running any MS-Windows application.
=> 5) Stand computer in middle of board and switch on.
=> 6) Switch on computer and start application.
=> 7) Prepare sledge hammer.
=> 8) Wait for protection fault.
=> 9) Perform immediate system shutdown with sledge hammer.
=> 10) Wait for glue to dry.
=> 11) Call Tate Gallery.
=> 12) Send me 10%
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 07:54:01 EDT
From: kathy@romana.crystal.pnl.gov
Subject: Interesting storm report from yesterday
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
415 PM MEASURED WIND OF 55 MPH THEN IT BLEW WIND
EQUIPMENT AWAY. ALSO PEA SIZE HAIL. HOWARD
COUNTY...ELLICOTT CITY. SPOTTER REPORT.
TREES ALSO REPORTED DOWN IN EASTERN PART
OF HOWARD COUNTY.
Sounds like typical Indiana weather.^i[ --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 05 Aug 1994 08:53:17 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: Lassie's secret identity revealed
To: SPAF
The following exchange took place between my brother and me recently.
He had sent me some of his thoughts about the recent movie "Lassie",
and I replied with some observations of my own.
Note: These comments contain some spoilers for the movie "Lassie".
> You've probably seen the ads for the new Lassie movie. The movie is pretty
> unrealistic--Lassie never once drinks out of the toilet! The producers
> updated the story for the 90s, though--when Timmy yells "Go get help,
> Lassie," Lassie checks into the Betty Ford Center.
No, I haven't seen the ads. But I'm sure Lassie is still the greatest
dog, ever. One movie to make, though, would be "The Private Lives of
Lassie", where Lassie wears a mini-cam and we get to see the world
from her viewpoint, where she goes, what she does, etc., when she's
without Timmy. TV-sequel: "Hi, I'm Lassie; I'm on My Own Now".
> it's obvious what has happened (incidently, Lassie is in the same wreck and
> of course walks away completely unscratched). [...] at the end
> we see Lassie apparently drown--but you know Lassie (the bionic dog),
> she is just shaken up for a few days and then limps back home.
Lassie, of course, is not a bionic dog. The Six-Million-Dollar-Man
and the Bionic Woman (worth less, of course, since she doesn't have a
price tag) didn't mention Lassie in their shows.
Lassie ("I am not making this up") is really Bat-Dog. You see,
Lassie's parents were tragically killed behind a butcher's shop late
one evening. The mongrel Chili Willey attacked them as they were
having an evening out. Lassie saw this, and it forever changed her
life. She vowed to fight injustice and help mankind. After dog-years
of seclusion, during which she trained to be a top dog, she was ready
to serve. Her disguise is a farm dog helping with chores and saving
Timmy. But at night, when the clouds are scudding past the moon,
she's on patrol, keeping a watchful eye on us as we sleep.
Michael Cook
RE: net.wisdom - "It's not what we don't know that hurts,
it's what we know that ain't so." -- Will Rogers
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 01 Aug 94 10:39:48 -0700
From: Richard Tanner <rich@arraycomm.com>
Subject: MicroSoft Humor
To: ross@qcktrn.com, cate3@netcom.netcom.com
To: rich, uhlik, yang
Subject: MS joke
Date: Mon, 01 Aug 94 10:03:05 -0700
From: John Orchard <orchard>
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of
really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only
there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments
are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or
so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very
nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building
with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts
to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker
replies, "You're in a plane,". The pilot winds up the window, executes a
275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the
runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does
the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies
the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The
answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless;
therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the
airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
[an oldie, but what the heck. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 1994 10:53:43 -0500 (EST)
From: GENE WARD SMITH <GSMITH@uoft02.utoledo.edu>
Subject: my dear, you're a lovely shade of pale tonight
To: eniac-yucks@prudence.fof.org
Let me register here my strong suspicion that our lovely new
necrophilia group came to be because of a necrophilia flame
war I was conducting with Peter Nyikos. Corss-posting to
alt.sex.cthulhu and atlsex.bestiality, I think, my have
tipped the balance.
[Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 01 Aug 94 12:36:24 -0700
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: nerds
To: Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com
<forwards removed>
A software developer guy is a walkin' down the street, and he hears a voice
from the sidewalk. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says,"Hi, I'm
really a beautiful princess. Pick me up, give me a kiss, and I'll let you
gaze at my beauty for an hour".
So the sw guy bends down, picks up the frog, puts her in his pocket, and
keeps walking.
So the frog says, "HEY! Wait a minute, let me out!". The sw guy pulls the
frog out of his pocket. Now the frog says, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a
beautiful princess and I'll give you great sex for a week!"
The sw guy puts the frog back into his pocket.
"WHAT? HEY, get me out of here!". He pulls the frog out again.
"If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll give you great
sex for a whole year!!!"
Back into the pocket. sw guy keeps on walking.
"WAIT A MINITE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! Please, take me out of your pocket!"
So the sw guy does, and the frog asks him, "What's the deal here? I promise
you a beautiful princess and great sex for a year, yet you keep putting me
back into your pocket!?"
And the sw guy replies "I'm a software developer. I don't have time for
sex. But a talking frog is WAY COOL!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 1994 02:27:27 -0500
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: New Yuppy Food? MICE FUTURES ARE TRADING UP IN CHINA
To: "What's up, doc" <yucks>
BEIJING (Reuters)-- Not content with rice, coal, oil and stock markets,
China's entrepreneurs have come up with a mice market.
The China Daily said Monday that Guangdong Province has set up the
market, which is doing a lively trade.
Farmers catch the rodents and sell them to restaurants, which serve them
as a delicacy. Previously, the unwanted rodents, which eat millions of
tons of grain, were poisoned.
The market in Taiping County near Zhanjiang City meets four times a
month, with over 2000 mice traded. Buyers prefer big, plump mice and
reject those weighing less than half a pound, the newspaper said.
[Non, non! It ees a recipe for chocolate MOUSSE, not MOUSE! Zo much
for zis translation... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 14:26:35 -0500 (CDT)
From: mandrews@chi.ahc.ameritech.com (Mike Andrews)
Subject: None at all? Yucks submission
To: spaf
I spotted a warning sticker on both entrance doors to Sally's Restaurant,
a pancake house on Harlem Avenue in Harwood Heights, IL:
NO FOOD OR DRINK
IN RESTAURANT
so I went home.
Reminds of me of when my relatives from Cleveland came to visit.
They came to the sign on the Indiana Tollway:
CHICAGO LEFT
so THEY went home...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 1994 07:44:29 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: notice the name of the mailer
To: yucks
Newsgroups: sdnet.general
From: vizzard@cnb.com
Subject: FREE VACATION....
Organization: Cloud 9 BBS (619)737-3097
X-Mailer: TBBS/PIMP v3.11
Distribution: world
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 94 01:05:23
Lines: 5
" FEMALES" PLEASE READ INCLOSED FILE
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jul 94 3:20:01 EDT
From: dale.m.skiba@pace.medtronic.com (Dale M. Skiba)
Subject: O.J. Simpson & the Flat Earth Society conspiracy
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Herb Houston posted this one. Who needs Weekly World News when
you've got the Flat Earth Society!
From: huston@access1.digex.net (Herb Huston)
Newsgroups: talk.origins
In article <1994Jul20.152251.1@wsuhub.uc.twsu.edu>, someone wrote:
}And of course you know that the earth is flat. Those pictures
}from space were made in Hollywood, directed by the government.
"Did you ever see 'Capricorn One,' the movie? O.J. Simpson was the star.
Proved the entire government space program is a hoax. They're finally
going after O.J. because he helped unmask the space hoax." -- Charles
Johnson, president of the Flat Earth Research Society International, as
quoted by Marc Fisher, _Washington Post_ staff writer, in "Lunatics: Are 20
Million Americans Out to Launch?", _The Washington Post_ 117(227):B1
(Wednesday, July 20, 1994).
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 94 12:29:16 CDT
From: cris@scserv1.dseg.ti.com (Cristine Webb)
Subject: Peeing
To: spaf
Found this in a .sig in the comp.databases.object group:
"To pee or not to pee"
- A prostate's dilemma
[Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with swimming pools? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 94 10:23:48 EDT
From: "Mark J. Reed" <mark.reed@sware.com>
Subject: truth is stranger than fiction
To: spaf
This is supposed to be a true story, told to me by a friend. I certainly
can't see anyone making this up. :) It's not a new story, though, so you
may have heard it before.
A while back, over in Great Britain, a woman complained to the telephone company
about her phone. It would sometimes not ring when someone called. The
strange part, she said, was that when it *did* ring, the ring was invariably
preceded by her dog barking. So she was convinced she had a broken
telephone and a psychic dog.
Now, in Britain, the ring signal is a high-voltage low-ampere current sent
from the local office to the phone. The wire which carries this signal
is run from the pole to a large metal spike in the yard, which grounds the
circuit. In order to isolate the problem, the phone company sent a repairman
out to climb the pole and manually send the signal down the wire.
Sure enough, when he did this, nothing happened the first time. The
second time, the dog barked just before the phone rang.
Investigation revealed that the dog was chained (with an iron chain) to the
spike that grounded the circuit. So this is what was happening: the
ground was dry, preventing the ring signal from grounding itself easily
through the spike, so the current ran down the chain to the dog, paralyzing
him. When the current released the dog, he yelped and urinated, which
wet the ground, so that the second ring signal made it through and the
phone rang.
This sounds like the set-up to a great shaggy-dog story, but there's no
pun-chline. I guess it must be true. :)
[This is an old story that has been on the net in a couple of places.
However, this is the first time in Yucks. It also ties into the "prostate's
dilemma" from earlier. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Aug 94 15:24:39 PDT
From: brent_auernheimer@csufresno.edu (Brent Auernheimer)
Subject: oooooooooooooo-boy
To: spaf
A guide to the August 3, 1994, issue of
THE CHRONICLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION
(Volume 40, Issue 48)
______________________________________________________________
RESEARCH & PUBLISHING
--------------------------------------------------------------
...
o HOT TYPE: A9
...
* The Johns Hopkins University Press hopes to follow up
on the success of "Staying Dry: A Practical Guide to
Bladder Control" with the publication of "Keeping
Control: Understanding and Overcoming Fecal
Incontinence."
[Maybe they should chain the subjects up to the phone line? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Aug 1994 09:49:20 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Have you had your morning coffee yet?
To: yucks@ucsd.UCSD.EDU
WORKERS FIND OUT WHY COFFEE TASTES SO BAD
St. Joseph, Missouri
The coffee just didn't taste right, so workers at Wire Rope of America
set up a hidden camera to try to find out why. What they found was a
co-worker using the coffee pot as a urinal.
"I just wanted to break his legs, shoot him or whatever." said Richard
Poe, a plant electrician.
Instead, Poe and his fellow factory workers turned the videotape over
to police and company officials. Police in turn gave the tape to
Buchanan County prosecutors, who are considering bringing charges. The
man, who reportedly was feuding with other workers, wasn't identified.
He was fired.
The health of employees was probably not put at risk, said Richard
Biery, the Kansas City health director. "A healthy person normally
puts out relatively non-infectious urine," Biery said. "But from the
aesthetic point of view, it's gross."
["But officer, I was participating in this study at Johns Hopkins..." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Aug 1994 18:48:13 GMT
From: Richard Smith <rsmith@netcom.com>
Subject: PERL as a first programming language?
To: scheme@mc.lcs.mit.edu
The "Beavis & Butthead" version:
Butthead: Perl 4 is cool, but Perl 5 is, like, even more cool. Huh, huh.
Beavis: But doesn't that mean Perl 4 sucks?
Butthead: No way, asswipe! Just because one thing is cool doesn't, like,
automatically make something else suck!
Beavis: Yeah, Yeah, I get it. But, like, why is Perl, like, so cool?
Butthead: I think it's because, like, Larry Wall's, like, from Seattle
or something. Huh, huh.
Beavis: Yeah. Huh, huh.
----------
The "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" version:
"Last night I spent the whole night on my computer. In the morning my wife
woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was telling some guy
at Cornell why it's better to stay with Perl 4 until there's a really good
reason to switch to Perl 5."
"My wife told me she wanted a divorce."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Jul 1994 09:30:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase)
Subject: Quick one
To: yucks
[From a colleague's humor calendar.]
Q: Why are there no mausoleums in Prague?
A: Because the undertakers refuse to cache Czechs.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
- Mark Twain
Submitted by: "J. Daniel Smith" <dan@bristol.com>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Jul 1994 19:29:43 GMT
From: carl@aoa.utc.com (Carl Witthoft)
Subject: Relief effort for Jupiter
Newsgroups: ne.general
Dateline 18 July 94:
NASA and The Red Cross issued an urgent request for supplies to
aid the injured and displaced on Jupiter. The continuing series
of comet impacts have destroyed many villages and prime farming
ground.
Urgently needed items include: purified methane, antenna and bugeye
warmers, and ice packs (which the Jovians use as heating pads, of
course). Local supplies of methane and ammonia are largely contaminated
and help is needed as soon as possible. Send all supplies to your
local launch pad.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: psleven@panix.com (Paul Sleven)
Subject: Rush Limbaugh
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Q: What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, while the other is just a dirigible.
From Columbia Journalism Review January/February 1994, p. 46, quoting
"Flush Rush Quarterly."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Jul 94 19:46:35 BST
From: Jeff Dalton <jeff@aiai.edinburgh.ac.uk>
Subject: signature
To: eniac <eniac
| Bill Gates should limit his salary to the |
| number of bytes addressable by the latest |
| version of MS-DOS, and be taxed based on |
| the number of bytes of RAM needed by the |
| latest version of MS-Windows |
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 09:58:21 -0400 (EDT)
From: Gray Watson <gray@antaire.com>
Subject: signature of the day
To: spaf
=========================================================================
/ ) ( \ Oooo. | Gilles Boccon-Gibod | gilles@la.tce.com
.oooO / / \ \ ( ) | 20 1/2 anchorage St | enst@netcom.com
( ) / ( ) \ ) / | Los Angeles, CA 90292 | 'Bok' on IRC
\ ( ( ) ( ) (_/ |------------------------------------------
\_) oooO0 0Oooo | Hop, et Hop, et Hop, et dans le baba.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 94 13:53:41 CDT
From: emcguire@bucky.i2.COM
Subject: tales of the weird
To: spaf
Forwarded from bbs.isca.uiowa.edu.
Jul 18, 1994 13:10 from Garth Thinblade
Just wanted to know if anyone else had seen this:
Cold LA Corpse Found At ARizona House
Los Angeles- An agonizing three-year search for a former Los Angeles resident
ended when police accidentally discovered her frozen body stored in a rented
moving truck in the driveway of an upscale neighborhood of Prescott, ARiz.
Officers sent to check on a report of a stolen truck kept in the driveway of
37-year-old John Joseph Famalaro's home stumbled Wednesday upon a freezer
hooked to an extension cord running into the house, said laurie Berra. Yavapai
County, Ariz., sheriff's spokesman.
Inside, they found the frozen, battered body of Denise Huber of Newport Beach
wrapped in plastic bags. The body was identified Satruday. WithinFamalaro's
home were contents from her missing purse
Source: Quoted from the Los Angeles Daily News in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
[Late Breaking News> msg #2054 (0 remaining)]
["But officer, she was posting to alt.necrophilia...." -spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Aug 1994 10:34:22 -0400
From: ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Dern)
Subject: Unsubscribe to com-priv and get a free copy of 1984!
To: com-priv@psi.com
As of 6:32 PM ( 18:32) the Ministry of Bookstores reports huge overstocks
of that dystopian classic 1983 (hey, it's a misprint edition). You can
get your copy for only $16.37 ... order only from Memory Hole Books
(1.9.84.0 or minibook.com), or download the write-only text from Fahrenheit
451 Online ("The hottest stuff on the Internet...").
And as a special offer: unsubscribe from com-priv and get your COPY free
(tax and shipping not included). Unsubscribe two friends and get the
special leather-bound hypertext version, plus a copy of the
never-before-seen "Prequel", 1982. Unsubscribe FIVE people and get the
sequel, 1984 II. Unsubscribe TEN and get a free "Internet bozos" list
for your mail filters! Act NOW, supplies are limited! (Sorry, 1984
for Windows not yet available).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Jul 94 16:08:09 PDT
From: ross@qcktrn.com ( Gary Ross )
Subject: yet more O.J. humour
To: yucks
Return-Path: <rocky>
Date: Thu, 28 Jul 94 13:33:25 -0700
From: rocky (Rochelle Grober)
To: jokes, guevara@fsd.arc.nasa.gov, jeannie
Subject: yet more O.J. humour
----- Begin Included Message -----
>From lahti_g@karoshi.vlsi.com.cadence.com Thu Jul 28 13:31:32 1994
What is the difference between OJ Simpson and John Elway?
One drives a slow white Bronco and one IS a slow white Bronco.
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------