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Yucks Digest V4 #19 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 17 Jul 94 Volume 4 : Issue 19
Today's Topics:
administrivia
ADAM CURRY OF MTV.COM GETS SUED BY MTV
A Lost Transcript from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
Altar Girls?
as Bugs would say
Back Home in Indiana
cool web page of the nanosecond
Dating Quiz
eeeeeew
FWD: TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF LIKE THE INTERNET
It's really an acronym
my dear, you're a lovely shade of pale tonight
Oh, I'll get used to it
oh no!
OJ
OJ Simpson Digest #4
religious wars (was "pointer" vs. "explicit/)
Rude alert!
seen on uk.misc
the .sigs the thing
the dangers of non-automotive commuting
the first liar never wins...
They shoot joke-thieves, don't they?
Thong errors
to boldly go
True Story
Wanted: Hackers' Chronicles CD-ROM
What things should I check out in Seattle?
You think YOU have net.problems ?
yucks shortie
Yuks submission
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucks
One of you sent me a marvelous shaggy dog story about a brass rat
statue found in a San Francisco curio shop. Somehow, I managed to
accidentally delete it from disk! I very much want to share it with
the Yucks readership, so *please* send it to me again!
Travel, work, and personal events have conspired to use up 150% of my
time. I'll try to get a few Yucks digests out this week before I hit
the road again.
This issue is a lot of odd pieces collected based on size. The next
few issues will probably be longer pieces collecting in the in-basket.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 1994 16:09:37 GMT
From: hallam@alws.cern.ch (HALLAM-BAKER Phillip)
Subject: ADAM CURRY OF MTV.COM GETS SUED BY MTV
Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www,alt.folklore.urban
In article <1994Jun10.154059.20765@zds-oem.zds.com>, t.huber@mi04.zds.com writes:
[rant on the bogosity of patents and patent-related lawsuits]
By the way my patent lawyer filed a claim for a `mechanism for replacement
of biological organisms through pair wise hetrogeneous combination.' So if
anyone is considering indulging in this activity in the near future remember
its going to cost you a buck a f^h^h time.
[For some people, it costs considerably more. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Jul 94 19:35:04 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: A Lost Transcript from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
To: spaf
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled:
"What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer:
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate."
Picard:
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F ..."
Geordi, excited:
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU
HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together horrified:
"Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jun 94 3:20:02 EDT
From: cdadams@whale.st.usm.edu (Clark Davis Adams)
Subject: Altar Girls?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I just read in the newspaper that the U.S. Council of Bishops has approved
a plan to allow girls to become "altar boys", allowing both boys and girls
to assits priests at mass. Does this now mean that the Church will have
to allow heterosexual priests?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 1994 20:56:23 PST
From: levilsizer@electriciti.com (Larry C. Evilsizer)
Subject: as Bugs would say
To: eniac
Excerpts are from
"The Collapse of Chaos"
Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart
Published by Penguin Books, 1994
Hardbound, $23.95
Any good science/technological bookstore should have it. I got my copy at
the SDSU bookstore.
From inner-leaf:
The "Collapse of Chaos" is the first post-chaos, post-complexity book, a
groundbreaking inquiry into how simplicity in nature is generated from
choas and complexity, etc.
Excerpts are at the beginning of each chapter, and generally relate to the
topic of the chapter. Of other interest is the ongoing dialogue between
the occupants of the earth spacecraft Thighbone and the good people of the
planet Zarathustra.
Next installment:
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife
and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and
athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife:, the husband whispers, "assure me that that the youngest
child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will
forgive you if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the
other three"
*************
At a dinner party, the hostess introduces the Great Man to her guests.
"This is Professor Hackensplakan. He's an authority on crocodiles."
The professor smiles modestly. "My dear lady," he says, "you do me too
much honor. It is on the crocodile's eyelids that I am an expert."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jun 1994 16:21:39 GMT
From: sub@expert.cc.purdue.edu (Nathan Strange)
Subject: Back Home in Indiana
Newsgroups: purdue.cc.general
> By a large margin, more serial killers are from Indiana than any other
> state in the United States (The serial killer world leader)
>
> There's a long list of Hoosier Hommicidal Maniacs...
> Ted bundy, Charles Manson, The Interstate Killer (This guy's brother
> is a teacher at Barr Reeve high school in Montgomery, IN)
>
> Anyway I would like to propose a contest....
>
> No, it's not who can kill the most people apparently randomly, but with
> one tell-tale commonality...
>
> The contest is who can think up the best new Hoosier license plate slogan....
>
> Here's a few of my ideas...
>
> "The Axe Murderer State"
> "You don't have to be crazy to live here... but it helps"
> "Wander Indiana - I DARE YOU"
> "See Indiana from the trunk of your car"
> "Hoosier Hospitality -Not What It Seems"
> "There's something in the corn..."
> "Amber Waves of Pain"
> "Don't Ask What's in the Chili"
> "Corn, Corn, everywhere CORN.. It just makes you want to kill sombody and
> chop them up into little-bitty pieces"
> "Land of Manson"
> "The Prosac State"
>
>
> There is no prize, only Glory...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 17:30:51 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: cool web page of the nanosecond
To: eniac
One of my favorite books is the original Roadside Guide to the US.
It's a collection of odd places: site of the largest twine ball, Holy
Land USA, two different Bedrocks (a la the Flintstones).
Well, the authors are making another tour across the US. This time,
they've got a web page, and they're updating it with photos of their
travels daily.
http://www.wired.com/Hotwired/roadside
So far, they've gone from LA to Utah. Stops include: Nicole Simpson's
townhouse, the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans Museum, and the Liberace Museum.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Jul 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: schorsch@plains.nodak.edu (Bart Schorsch)
Subject: Dating Quiz
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again.
Since my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same
way as the Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I
shall be screeening all of my future dates with this highly scientific
quiz. Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm
not bitter.
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart
will grade your responses and get back to you.
1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails
out and leave it as food for wild jackals
2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"
3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons
4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal
the demon-horns
5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit
6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) <giggle> What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!
7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture
8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader
9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed
10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade
11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping
12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store
13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor
14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards
15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?
16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes
17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup
18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh
19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart
21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns
22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you
23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom
24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food
in the first place."
25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 12:45:27 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: eeeeeew
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Subject: Quote of the day
"You know, things just don't feel the same down there since our
children."
[since out children _what_? --Pat]
- from an ad for "laser vaginal reconstruction" that appeared in LA
Weekly, July 24, 1992.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 94 15:25:51 EDT
From: Bob Doolittle <rad@Think.COM>
Subject: FWD: TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF LIKE THE INTERNET
To: silent-tristero
[....]
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 11:24:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: kamsky@Sales.TGV.COM (Asya Kamsky)
Subject: "since it's Friday"
Message-id: <940624112401.22c0107a@Sales.TGV.COM>
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF LIKE THE INTERNET
[....]
1. We can send e-mail FROM president@whitehouse.gov.
===============
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 10:50:12 -0400
From: El Fromage Grande <president@whitehouse.gov>
To: The Peanut Gallery <silent-tristero>
Subject: Re: Top Ten
> We can send email FROM president@whitehouse.gov.
Well shucks, *anyone* can do that!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 20:48:08 -0400
From: somogyi@ziff.com (Stephan Somogyi)
Subject: It's really an acronym
Information Superhighway is really an acronym for "Interactive Network For
Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, And Transferring Information
On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebelious Human
Intellegence, Gratifying Hackers, Wisacres, And Yahoos".
Keven Kwaku, published in PC Magazine, July 1994, Vol 13.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Jul 1994 07:46:46 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: my dear, you're a lovely shade of pale tonight
To: spaf
Date: Thu, 14 Jul 1994 00:42:35 -0400
From: pete@cs.UMD.EDU (Pete Cottrell)
To: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Subject: my dear, you're a lovely shade of pale tonight
A new control message that just came across the net; sorry if I'm not
sending it to the right address.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>>From: news@cs.UMD.EDU (Usenet Netnews System)
>>To: usenet@cs.UMD.EDU
>>Subject: newgroup alt.sex.necrophilia y pangolin@vile.miskatonic.edu
pangolin@vile.miskatonic.edu requested that alt.sex.necrophilia be created.
To do this, type the following:
/usr/lib/news/bin/ctlinnd newgroup alt.sex.necrophilia y pangolin@vile.miskatonic.edu
The original article was:
>>From: pangolin@vile.miskatonic.edu (News Administrator)
>>Control: newgroup alt.sex.necrophilia
>>Subject: cmsg newgroup alt.sex.necrophilia
>>Newsgroups: alt.sex.necrophilia.ctl
It is estimated that perhaps 20% of Americans have had, or will
have, sex with a person who is already dead. in light of this
HUGE percentage of people with a common interest in necrophilia,
it is my firm belief that a newsgroup is necessary to address
the issues involved in necrophilia
A brief listing:
1. where does one go about obtaining fresh corpses?
2. how does one prevent catching a disease from not-so-fresh corpses?
3. someone's just died while you've been engaged in sexual intercourse
with them; does this count?
4. the social repercussions of 'coming out' as a necrophiliac
and more, of course...
[20% ? I wonder how they got that statistic? Maybe poorly phrased
questions in a survey at the mall?
"Pardon me m'am. Have you ever had sex with a stiff?"
"Oh, I should say they all were, at first!"
(Aside} "Put her down for a dozen."
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Jul 94 5:30:02 EDT
From: ets@wrkgrp.UUCP (Edward T Spire)
Subject: Oh, I'll get used to it
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(as told to an art student while visiting the University of Chicago
School of Medicine to study anatomy by cadavor dissection)
How do you know when you're wife is dead?
Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
[Aha! Maybe this is where the 20% came from? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jun 1994 18:44:36 GMT
From: rpwhite@shell.portal.com (rpwhite)
Subject: oh no!
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
O.J. Simpson took an axe,
and gave his ex-wife forty whacks.
Now he needs no Burma Shave,
Cause they won't give him razor blades.
rp -- I am so sorry.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Jul 94 16:32:09 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: OJ
To: uunet!xxes.frame.com!sickos, uunet!frame.com!pjb
- - Knock, knock.
+ Who's there?
- - OJ.
+ OJ who?
- - Hey, would you like to serve on a jury?
[cribbed from Herb Caen, /Comical/, 94-07-14]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 94 12:20:02 EDT
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: OJ Simpson Digest #4
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
As the preliminary hearing slowly plays out, it looks like this story,
and the jokes, will be with us for awhile.
Pass the Slice.
====
From: khearn@pyramid.com (Keith Hearn)
Why did OJ stay in the bronco at his estate before surrendering to the
police?
A: He was waiting for assurance that none of the officers who arrested
Rodney King were there.
====
From: drhodes@hercules.win.net (Dylan Rhodes)
Keywords: topical, chuckle
If an ex-football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have
been Frank Gifford?
====
From: DSROGER@saix367.sandia.gov (Rogers, Scott)
Keywords: topical, chuckle
OJ calls a limo service and requests a limo. The dispatcher tells Mr. Simpson
"Yes sir Mr. Simpson we have a limo for you, but it will be a 45 minute wait."
OJ replies, "Great, I have some time to kill."
------------------------------
Date: Tue Jun 28 08:11:56 PDT 1994
From: davis@bedlam.asd.sgi.com (Tom Davis)
Subject: religious wars (was "pointer" vs. "explicit/)
Newsgroups: comp.windows.x,comp.windows.misc,
In article <Crx7zF.MzM@das.harvard.edu>, Noam Bernstein <noamb@cmtg1> wrote:
>I haven't seen this good a religious argument in ages (this is genuinely
>meant as a compilment to the discussion). Emacs vs. vi just doesn't cut
>it anymore.
So there were two guys sitting in a bar, and one says to the other,
"That was a very intelligent remark you just made. What's your IQ?".
The other guy says, "178." The first guy says, "Well, mine's 182.", and
they go on to have a great discussion of the newest developments in the
grand unification theories in physics.
A couple of seats down, two other guys overhear the discussion, so one
turns to the other and says, "My IQ's 101." The other says, "Well,
mine's 99. How do you think the 49ers are going to do this year?" And
they begin to become great friends.
At the far end of the bar, both conversations are overheard by a third
pair. One says to the other, "My IQ's 48." The other says, "Great,
mine's 45. Do you use Emacs or vi?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 15:49:59 -0500 (CDT)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Rude alert!
To: spaf (spaf)
-------begin forwarded .sig------
--
_ _ /| Andy Kniveton, Tel No +44 793 545349
\'o.O' Motorola Ltd, Fax No +44 793 541228
=(___)= 16 Euro Way, E-mail kniveton@zeus.swindon.rtsg.mot.com
U Blagrove, Swindon,
England, SN5 8YQ.
"Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice
recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon
shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a daffodil!" Holly
-------end forwarded .sig------
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 09:32:03 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: seen on uk.misc
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: BarkwayJ@RFERL.org (Julian Barkway)
>
> and I thought Disney were into fluffy white rabbits and cute koalas! Was
> it Walt that shot Bambi's mother?
>
No he just drew the gun...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 1994 20:33:42 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: the .sigs the thing
To: yucks
From: turpin@cs.utexas.edu (Russell Turpin)
Newsgroups: sci.med
Subject: Risk justification (was: Circumcision)
Date: 28 Jun 1994 09:14:33 -0500
[message deleted]
--
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones
from one graveyard to another.
-- Frank J. Dobie
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 00:07:43 -0700
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: the dangers of non-automotive commuting
To: eniac
The names have been fiddled to protect the guilty.
We're still not sure where he got the theory...
------- Forwarded Message
Message #3 is the killer...
M
- ------- Forwarded Messages
Date: Thu, 03 Feebleary
To: i.m.p.slaves
From: P (Director of Slaves)
Subject: About bicycles
We cannot keep bicycles inside these buildings.
This goes for all buildings.
If you have a bicycle in your office or
in the hallways, please, move them outside.
thanks -- P
- ------- Message 2
Date: Fri, 04 Feebleary
To: P (Director of Slaves)
From: M Slave
Subject: Re: About bicycles
> We cannot keep bicycles inside these buildings.
> This goes for all buildings.
>
> If you have a bicycle in your office or
> in the hallways, please, move them outside.
I can understand the problem with bicycles being left in the
hallways. Prohibiting people from leaving their bicycles (or any
other personal possessions) in the hallways makes perfect sense.
However, I fail to understand why you are prohibiting employees
from storing bicycles in their offices. Why are bicycles singled
out this way, among all the other personal possessions one might
keep in one's office? Is a bicycle more dangerous than a
refrigerator, a sofa, or a reclining chair?
Given the lack of secure, sheltered bicycle storage near building
10, prohibiting employees from storing their bicycles in
their offices is as good as prohibiting them from bicycling to
work. So much for encouraging people to consider alternatives to
driving to work...
I strongly urge you to reconsider the prohibition on bicycles in
offices.
M
- ------- Message 3
Date: Fri, 04 Feebleary
To: M Slave
From: P (Director of Slaves)
Subject: Re: About bicycles
m,
the problems with bicycles is that they are fire hazards
and they are a problem in the hallways.
they are more of a fire hazard than a sofa because they
have grease compressed in a metal container (the hubs).
that's the definition of a bomb.
you have a point about refrigerators, though i am not
sure that freon would tend to explode or what. if that's
the case, then the next message may be about refrigerators.
but that's not a reason to not keep bikes out.
...
---- p
------- End Forwarded Message
FRANCE--A fiery collision halted the tour de france today when
the leader's hub exploded, engulfing him and the five contestants
drafting him in flames. "It was gruesome, horrible," said E----
M-----, well-known cylist and past competitor in the race. "These
sorts of dangers have been known for years--perhaps an accident of
this magnitude will put some heat on the committee to enforce some
safety regulations and limitations on speed."
I'd ask you to all forward this on to Scott Adams, claiming this very
thing had happened at your place of employment too, since in the dilbert
newsletter, he says he won't put anything in unless it's been reported
to happen at two different places. But, I'm feeling too honest, and
besides, all the thrill's gone out of it--at that point in time, I'd
been tossed out of my office, and M knew he had only a few weeks left,
but this week, P finally got the axe too...we'd been hoping to cause any
related dilbert strip to appear unavoidably noticeable near P's office.
Revenge is no longer so sweet, nor so cold.
Shoulda sold my stock in January,
L Slave Chabot
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 94 16:28:16 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: the first liar never wins...
To: spaf
John Derry from Rose-Hulman wrote...
=> At a pre-incarceration hearing late Saturday night Jeff Gillooley, posing
=> as a member of the media, pulled out a concealed iron bar and whacked the
=> sheriff on the knee. Then O.J. fled out the door and jumped in a waiting
=> car with Tanya Harding and Amy Fisher and sped away.
=>
=> Later they were seen at a roadside rest area picking up Lorena Bobbitt who
=> was hitchhiking on the highway.
=>
=> Film at eleven?
and billt@lds.loral.com (Bill Touchstone, 5196) added
=> Using what, at first, looked like a thumb.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: markp@microsoft.com (Mark Pennington)
Subject: They shoot joke-thieves, don't they?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Not an original joke, but forwarded to me by my friend Mike who
had it forwarded to him, etc..
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and
ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter
through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all
noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also
made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots,
including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle,
blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 1994 06:34:26 PDT
From: "Jeffrey D. Angus" <jangus@skyld.grendel.com>
Subject: Thong errors
To: "Gene Spafford" <spaff>
In a recent Yuck's digest a kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey) wrote:
> Subject: Mysterious SGI error of the week
> "thong error: no mountables ready"
Well, this is *obviously* a sexist remark concerning the availability of
large chested matress thrashers wearing thong bikinis.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 20:53:11 GMT0BST1,M3.4.0/02:00,M10.4.0/02:00
From: msmith@discreet.demon.co.uk
Subject: to boldly go
To: eniac
One day down in Houston, I was driving from my hotel over to the
Space Center and a little dog started chasing my car. And just
because my mind works in crazy ways, I slowed down and stopped
and I thought what's this dog gonna do if he catches this thing,
and I watched in the rear-view mirror. The dog came stalking
over very carefully, sniffed the tire, marked it territorially,
turned around and walked away. And at the end of the Apollo
program I thought, that is what we have done; we caught the moon,
we peed on it, and we left.
- Bill Hines, Chicago Sun-Times
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Jul 94 16:21:06 -0400
From: nb02566@dbmsmail.dsac.dla.mil (Edward Patrick)
Subject: True Story
To: spaf
Hey Gene,
This story was told to me by a friend and she says that it is true
and NOT a joke.
There was this lady she worked with and it was her birthday. A
bunch of people she works with decided to throw this lady a surprise
birthday party. This party was planned to be at the house of the
birthday girl. Somehow, they got a key to her house(she didn't tell
me how). Anyway, They all met at the house and hid in the basement
waiting for the lady to come home. This lady had a dog and they took
it to the basement with them expecting her to come looking for the dog
and they could surprise her. The lady came home but, instead of going
into the basement she showered first. Everyone waited. A while later
they heard her calling for the dog. They were holding on to the dog
but, he still barked. She opened the door to the basement and called
again but the dog could not run to her. She took a couple of steps
down the stairs and flipped the lights on. Everyone yelled "Surprise!"
She was standing there, naked, with peanut butter on her crotch!
Needless to say, she quit and moved out of town.
[True story, eh? Well, *I* believe in Peter Pan... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 1 Jul 94 08:07:19 -0600
From: arc3348@tntech.edu
Subject: Wanted: Hackers' Chronicles CD-ROM
Newsgroups: comp.security.misc
In article <1994Jun29.125300.3706@eisner>, mezei_jf@eisner.decus.org (Jean-Francois Mezei) writes:
> I need a copy of the CD-ROM entitled "HACKERS' CHRONICLES"
>
> A customer of mine was told that he should check this dick out since it
^^^^
> contains information that could jeoperdize his operations.
>
> Thanks in advance
How much information could it hold?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 09:31:45 -0600
From: yodaiken@sphinx.nmt.edu (Victor Yodaiken)
Subject: What things should I check out in Seattle?
To: eniac
On Jun 22, 10:21am, Gene Spafford wrote:
Subject: Re: What things should I check out in Seattle?
>
>To see what might happen if Ranier erupted, you can continue south for
>an hour or two on the road and visit what Mt. Saint Helens did to the
>surrounding countryside, as well as see what's left of that peak. It
One of the reports that came out just after Mt. St. Helens really
stuck with me. The feds were flying a group of reporters out to see
the damage. The out of town reporters were stunned to
to see the vast expanse of devastation, but the locals informed
them that they had not yet reached the areas wiped out by the volcanoe,
the devastation was merely a Weyerhauser clear cut. The "tree
growing people" strike again.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 20:27 EDT
From: rs@reptiles.org (Richard Sexton)
Subject: You think YOU have net.problems ?
To: eniac
Look what happened to this poor bastard. This was found in rec.aquaria:
>From: gopher@ephsa.sat.tx.us
>Subject: Dog Pics
>Date: 26 Jun 94 07:20:12 GMT
>
>Hey folks,
>Had a minor problem with my usenet feed accepting my qwk packet.
>I posted 8 dog/woman pics to alt.sex.fetish.watersports. If you
>want them, either get them there or I'll repost them here. It seems
>that my usenet board keeps dropping all or part of my join list which
>really screws up my qwk packet management.
>
>Sorry again...
>
>Gopher...
>
>
>... Choosy perverts choose .GIF
>From: gopher@ephsa.sat.tx.us
>Subject: Major Screwup
>Date: 26 Jun 94 07:22:19 GMT
>
>Please ignore my previous message intended for another newsgroup.
>Major problems with my usenet feed misplacing messages.
>
>Gopher...
>
>... My hard disk is full! Maybe I'll try this message section thing.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Jul 1994 13:05:10 -0400 (VEN)
From: berry@shaddam.usb.ve (Tom Berry)
Subject: yucks shortie
To: spaf
The following should help anyone still worrying about whether the
French Revolution was really necessary. It comes from Simon Sharma's
entertaining book "Citizens", the chapter called (what else?)
"Grievances":
[In the time of Louis 16] a Franche-Compte' seigneur claimed
that he had the feudal right to lead his vassals to the hunt in
winter, and there make them open their bowels, so that he could warm
his feet in their ordure.
One asks whether he had the feudal right to make them clean his boots
afterwards. More research needed.There's many a thesis in old faeces.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Jul 1994 22:47:12 -0400
From: Alexander Barton <Alexander.Barton@cad.gatech.edu>
Subject: Yuks submission
To: spaf
Found this while reading the fine print in my USAA renter's policy:
"We do not insure for loss caused directly or indirectly by any of
the following.
....
1. o War
o Undeclared war.
o Civil war.
o Insurrection.
o Rebellion.
o Revolution.
o Warlike act by a military force or military personnel.
o Destruction, seizure or use for a military purpose.
Nor is any consequence of these covered.
Discharge of a nuclear weapon will be deemed a warlike act even if
accidental.
2. Nuclear reaction, radiation or radioactive contamination. All
whether controlled or uncontrolled, however caused.
Nor is any consequence of these covered. Loss by these shall not
be considered loss caused by fire, explosion, or smoke. But we
do cover loss by fire resulting from nuclear reaction, nuclear
radiation, or radioactive contamination."
And under the section dealing with losses resulting from aircraft:
"This includes self-propelled missiles and spacecraft."
[I'd say they have it almost completely covered, except they left out
Bigfoot and Elvis as natural disasters... --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------