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Yucks Digest V4 #18 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 28 Jun 94 Volume 4 : Issue 18
Today's Topics:
A Banner Day, in case you missed it
A little pocket of oppression.
Certifying My Dog
Dr. Sue-Us Purity Test
Exploding Heads
Handy Kitchen Tips and WP Corp MIS
How to Address a Politically Correct Business Letter
Is schizophrenia declining? (2 msgs)
Jimmy? Are you there?
Mysterious SGI error of the week
NEW IMPROVED WORLD'S GREATEST POLITICAL QUIZ
panix
The literate Irishman
The Palindrome
The rats, the rats
vibrating hard disk makes computer move
Why "split" toilet seats?
World standards
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bellcore!yost.com!Dave (Dave Yost)
Subject: A Banner Day, in case you missed it
Today's latest example of worldwide broadcast black humor
made me laugh out loud.
We old-timers can remember getting only a few email mailing list
messages a day. Now the number of announcements per day of whole new
newsgroups dwarfs the number of messages per day we used to get, and
the titles of those newsgroups have become the latest in devious
broadcast communication media.
In case you don't read usenet, or you run a GUI usenet reader
that doesn't work quite like the classic glass TTY usenet readers,
you missed the latest escalation in information bombardment.
Today's list of new newsgroups looked something like this:
ucb.cs.soda-move
su.class.comm177h
alt.fan.actors
alt.religion.zoroastrianism
alt.culture.zippies
cle.flame
alt.revolution.cnog
alt.magick.ethics
aus.education.open-learning
aus.acs.books
aus.cars
aus.org.efa
aus.org.sage
alt.tim.pitts.flame.jg
alt.music.producer
aus.acs
alt.music.yes
aus.bushwalking
aus.net.directory.quipu
alt.steinberg.cubase
bionet.microbiology
alt.fan.art-bell
alt.tv.robocop
bionet.molec-model
bionet.jobs.wanted
esnet.divertors
ia.org.freenet
alt.tv.real-world
alt.music.sophie-hawkins
alt.sports.hockey.nhl.phila-flyers
alt.att.a.---X---.XXXXXXX.--XX---.XXXXXXX
alt.att.b.--X-X--.---X---.-X--X--.---X---
alt.att.c.-X---X-.---X---.--XX---.---X---
alt.att.d.X-----X.---X---.-XXX---.---X---
alt.att.e.XXXXXXX.---X---.X---X-X.---X---
alt.att.f.X-----X.---X---.X----X-.---X---
alt.att.g.X-----X.---X---.-XXXX-X.---X---
alt.att.h.-------.-------.-------.-------.-------.-------.-------.-------
alt.att.i.X-----X.XXXXXXX.X-----X.-------.X-----X.--XXX--.X------.X------
alt.att.j.-X---X-.X-----X.X-----X.-------.X--X--X.---X---.X------.X------
alt.att.k.--X-X--.X-----X.X-----X.-------.X--X--X.---X---.X------.X------
alt.att.l.---X---.X-----X.X-----X.-------.X--X--X.---X---.X------.X------
alt.att.m.---X---.X-----X.X-----X.-------.X--X--X.---X---.X------.X------
alt.att.n.---X---.X-----X.X-----X.-------.X--X--X.---X---.X------.X------
alt.att.o.---X---.XXXXXXX.-XXXXX-.-------.-XX-XX-.--XXX--.XXXXXXX.XXXXXXX
We can only guess what was to come next and how it was choked off.
Perhaps it was something catchy like die, die, die, or suck, suck, suck.
[And people ask me if I miss maintaining the Usenet lists.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: miles@cc.usu.edu (Miles Johnson)
Subject: A little pocket of oppression.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local
newsgroup. I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the followup
at the bottom.
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't
all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the
girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men
are usually in charge?
'<SHRUG>'
It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little
tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win. And I am about to
tell you one of the Most Important!
'<EXPECTANT STARE>'
Pockets!
'What!?'
It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they
would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that
worked right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly.
So, now, most women's clothes don't have pockets.
'Naaah'
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
<1,2,3,4,5> '5'
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
<...> '0'
How many pockets in my suit?
<1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
'0'
If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things.
Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge
because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to
borrow somebody's keys.
<Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>
Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work
right, then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you
one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!
<Wife sweeps in.>
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
'<Shrug>'
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 17:36:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jim Muncy <muncyj@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu> via many forwards
Subject: Certifying My Dog
One night at the BJU Home Educators conference this week, the speaker
was a legislator who authored the bill making homeschooling legal in
Louisiana. He told several "war stories" about fighting with the
public school officials. His speech was real interesting. I though
you might appreciate one story he told.
He said that they set it up so that parents could homeschool but
that, if the child wasn't performing to a certain standard on
standardized tests, the program had to be certified through the
state's Department of Education. A superintendent of one of the
parishes (remember, Louisiana has parishes and not counties) was real
hostile towards homeschooling and was looking for any way to
discredit the movement. One day he sent a letter to the state's
Superintendent of Education saying that his department had just
certified a program for Sam Jones (or some such name).
He then went on to say that Sam Jones was a dog. He was then
threatening that, unless something was done to stifle the
homeschooling movement in the state, he was going to go to the press
telling them that the state's department of education had just
certified a homeschooling program for a dog.
Well, the superintendent then called the legislator who had authored
the legislation and told him to get over to his office immediately.
He showed him the letter and asked him what they were going to do.
The legislator said he didn't know but that he would get back to him.
A few days later, someone sent a letter to the troublemaker parish
superintendent. In it, he said that his name was Cory Hobart (or
some such name) and that he needed a letter or recommendation. He
had spent the last twenty years in the Air Force and was getting back
into the civilian work force and needed some letters of
recommendation. All of his recommendation letters were coming from
officials in the Air Force and he needed some civilian reference. He
said that he had attended this superintendent's high school, had
graduated as an honor student, had been on the debate team... The
superintendent then wrote a real nice letter:
"To whom it may concern, Cory Hobart was an honor graduate of our
high school, was on our debate team..." Cory Hobart was some
friend's pet dog.
Somebody gave this letter to the State Legislator and said that he
could send a copy of it to the troublemaker superintendent and tell
him that if he gave them any more trouble, he was going to go to the
media and tell them that this superintendent certified that a dog was
an honors graduate of his highschool, on the debate team...
They had no more trouble from this parish superintendent.
[Ah, Southern politics. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 1994 20:22:20 -0600
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: Dr. Sue-Us Purity Test
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
To: spaf
Copyright 1994 by Andrew Clark and certain other anonymous persons.
This may be freely distributed by electronic means; send comments,
suggestions, and submissions to aclark@sdcc13.ucsd.edu. If we use
your entry, you will be credited (or not, as you desire.)
In the tradition of a certain author we can't mention the name of, whose
claim to fame is a massive collection of children's stories:
The Dr. Sue-Us Purity Test
Without a doubt, you will see; this quiz measures your obscenity!
Record your answers, do not lie; for if you do, your mate will die.
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it with a child?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 22:46:29 -0800
From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton)
Subject: Exploding Heads
To: spaf@wiretap.spies.com
>From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994
MOSCOW --
Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre
death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a
championship game!
No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three officials
at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and
brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he
suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.
"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's
opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and
he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the
noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like
a firecracker."
Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has
spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last
25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when
European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported
by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical
imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the
human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert. "It is a
condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own
electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity
when lots of current is surging through the brain.
Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both
Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral
circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said they were literally too smart
for their own good."
Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he hastens
to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it will
never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about HCE.
And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research money
becomes available."
In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too hard
for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing
things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
(As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled HOW TO TELL IF YOUR HEAD'S
ABOUT TO BLOW UP:)
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have
the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes" answer to
any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could be
the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head?
(This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the
cerebral cortex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook,
or other thoughtful activity?
A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
(Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head pressure
in times of strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? (A craving for
sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.)
7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much?
(HCE sufferers are often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
[I got 6 separate e-mailed copies of this article... starting 2 days
after I bought the issue in question because of the article in
question. I'm sure this means something, but I am afraid to think too
hard about it to decide what it is. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thursday, June 23, 1994 10:33AM
From: Howard Tayler <tayler@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Handy Kitchen Tips and WP Corp MIS
For all of you enthusiastic Kitchen tippers who responded to my
original post, your enthusiasm has not gone unnoticed.
My userid is TAYLER, spelled with an 'E.' I think I may have a
canadian ancestor who couldn't spell, or wrote his 'O' really
strangely. I am one of the only taylEr's I know, and the others are
all relatives.
Glen TaylOr, one of the guys who maintains our E-mail system, has the
unfortunate luck to have a whole spate of ancestors who spelled their
names correctly. His e-mail address differs from mine by one (1)
character.
Did I mention that he is responsible for maintaining our e-mail
system of 4,000 users (soon to be closer to 10,000 with the merger
with Novell)? Needless to say, he found the repeated hits on his in
box requesting "Handy Kitchen Tips" less than amusing. He now has a
rule in place that catches most of the requests and replies with a
gentle but firm reminder that his name is spelled correctly, and
you-have-the-wrong-address-thank-you.
I also got some mail from him. I shan't go into detail, but did I
mention that he is responsible for maintaining our e-mail. . .
Ah yes, I did.
So today's important e-mail safety tips.
1) Never post for requests when your administrator's address looks
just like yours.
2) Always encourage faithful readers to misspell your name correctly.
3) Always keep a box of cookies, candy, or ethernet terminators handy
for bribing your system administrator.
Thanks folks! (I hope this was funny enough to merit actually being
read)
[Actually, I can sympathize -- we have users here with logins "spa" and
"paf". The both get mail for me, sent by bad typists. So far, nothing
too embarassing has gone astray, but I'm certain it is only a matter of
time... (and neither gets Yucks, for whatever that means). --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Apr 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: aberman@cs.washington.edu (Andrew Berman)
Subject: How to Address a Politically Correct Business Letter
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
HOW TO ADDRESS A NON SEXIST BUSINESS LETTER
By Andrew Berman
Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:
Dear Sir,
Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a
woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by
writing:
Dear Sir/Madam,
This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue
related news groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the
masculine title before the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was
demonstrated, making this non-PC. So, I tried to fix it:
Dear Madam/Sir,
Well, this is no good since we're showing dominance in the other
direction. Of course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are
Oppressees, that may not be so bad. But it's not *really* PC, is it?
Ok, let's try again:
Dear Sir
Madam,
Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir
is on top now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style
het-sexist imagery abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the
original. Ok, what about:
Dear Madam
Sir,
Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was
sexist as they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still
have one on top of the other showing dominance. We may not sure who's
doing what, but *somebody* is being oppressed here. Next:
Dear MadSiram,
Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither
is above the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has
inserted himself inside the Madam! Practically splitting her in two
with himself! How pornographic!! A man writing a letter addressed like
this to a woman is obviously making an (unwanted) sexual advance. If
he were at Antioch college, he'd be suspended for a year and have to
go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a fit!
Dear SMadamir,
Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped
the Madam! Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self!
This is imprisonment! Ugh, how could I have even thought of this
one?? I'm so ashamed!
Well, there's only one answer left:
To Whom it May Concern
There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not
very friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting
rid of friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that
absolutely no-one is ever, *ever* offended.
------------------------------
Date: 22 Jun 1994 15:50:58 GMT
From: rog@cdc.hp.com (Roger Haaheim)
Subject: Is schizophrenia declining?
Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology
Is schizophrenia declining? Part of me says yes and part of me
says no...
------------------------------
Date: 22 Jun 1994 23:39:34 GMT
From: greg@antizen.EBay.Sun.COM (Yes, I'm still here...)
Subject: Is schizophrenia declining?
Newsgroups: sci.med
Yes, it certainly is declining!
No it isn't you idiot!
Shut up! it is so!
Is not!
Is so!!
I hate you!!
I hate you more!!!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 08:37:28 +0100 (BST)
From: "Scott A. McIntyre" <scott@shrug.org>
Subject: Jimmy? Are you there?
To: spaf
A british man, whose name escapes me, was recently convicted of murder -- but
an appeal is imminent. The grounds? Apparently four of the jury members used
a Ouija board to contact the victim, who allegedly informed them that the
defendant did indeed do the dirty deed. If the appeal is quashed, we may be
able to solve quite a few outstanding murders....
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 14:13:04 GMT
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Mysterious SGI error of the week
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
This week's unknown error is:
"thong error: no mountables ready"
and anyone who can explain it should contact me immediately.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 16:26:39 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: NEW IMPROVED WORLD'S GREATEST POLITICAL QUIZ
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey@convex.com (Norman Lindsey)
From: cavasin@convex.com (Vince Cavasin)
NEW IMPROVED WORLD'S GREATEST POLITICAL QUIZ
Fed up with small, slanted political quizzes? I present a new unbiased
political quiz which will enlighten you to your actual political views.
Just calculate your rating for each political category and see which one
is greatest.
Points
I. Your Conservative Rating 1 0
- My moral views are superior to those of others.......... Y N
- My prosperity is a result of God's favor................ Y N
- Rush Limbaugh is the greatest hope for our nation....... Y N
- A woman's place is in the home.......................... Y N
II. Your Liberal Rating 1 0
- All economic problems can be solved by taxing the rich.. Y N
- Criminals are not responsible for crime, society is..... Y N
- Values are a dangerous and evil concept, abolish them... Y N
- All white males are racists and sexist.................. Y N
III. Your Libertarian Rating 1 0
- People without money deserve to starve and die.......... Y N
- All trespassers should be shot on sight................. Y N
- Nothing bad can possibly happen in a free market........ Y N
- The law of gravity is coercive, repeal it............... Y N
And now that you have learned of your own political leanings, it is time
to test your knowledge of the other philosophies. Just match the phrase
with the political group it represents.
1. Our country would be so much better if we could just eliminate
A. atheists.
B. the rich.
C. the government.
2. All I want is for other people to
A. live like I do.
B. let me spend their money.
C. fuck off.
3. If I had $1 million, I would
A. give it to Pat Robertson.
B. create a new bureaucracy.
C. buy more land and fence it in.
4. All my opponents are just like
A. Adolph Hitler
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Adolph Hitler
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:15:47 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: panix
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
[Have you, too, gotten tired of the endless whining
and bickering about the perfect unix, which seems
to lead only to Microsoft sales growth? Have we got
a solution for you!!!]
Ah, the perfect unix. Been there, done that.
ftp://cs.orst.edu/pub/projects/.black/panix
(but you have to keep trying because the commercial
vendors, the minix people, RMS, the linux people,
and I think even the NSA keep taking it off. I now
have a cron daemon to upload it many times a day.)
Took a reverse-engineered DOS clone, ran it through
the old 8080->C translator, then blended in all the
system calls from the System 7 *and* the early BSD
manuals, except moved as much out of the OS as
possible. Added the "lost features of the promise",
such as i/o redirection being orthogonal between
files and pipes and processes. Added memory-mapped
files. Added real batch processing. Mach threads
(which I later moved out to a separate library.)
All features of SVR3 *and* SVR4, plus BSD4.4, VMS,
and NOS. X. AIX's logical volume manager.
Auspex's fault-tolerance for disc. Telebit's
WorldBlazer stuff.
lpd does dual service as httpd. /dev/tty understands
PostScript, X protocol, HTML and GL. sendmail will
track people down and reroute mail automagically
Instead of man pages, you get brain dumps of the experts-
Dinah McNutt, Gene Spafford, Richie Kernighan, etc
(not, I most emphatically promise, not Rob Kolstad).
Auto-virus detection. Filters to keep out news and
mail from AOL. Built-in PGP at the heart of the
kernel.
The commands all use the standard unix parameters, or
a new, orthogonal set - based on the variable ENVIRONMENT
these are SV, BSD, VMS, or DOS.
Stripped the optimizer code out of gcc, made successive
passes of the kernel, library & commands through it.
Could not break the 4K barrier. Ran it through a black
hole mr x was playing with, and the whole thing now
fits in *1 bit* of memory. If you run it on anything
faster than 100 MHz, it collapses into a black hole
itself, and takes sqrt(-1) bit of memory.
Comes with a free 1-year subscription to yucks.
All for free, of course.
-M
if you liked this posting and found it useful,
send $25 to your local mental health center -
you'll be glad it's around soon
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: jonb@netcom.com (Jon Berger)
Subject: The literate Irishman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Jimmy had newly arrived in New York from Dublin, and was applying for a
job on a big highrise construction project. The foreman asked him, "Have
you ever worked in construction before?"
"Certainly," says Jimmy. "Twenty years of it, in the old country."
"Well," says the foreman, "I'll have to ask you a few questions, seeing as
I don't know you at all. For instance," and he points, "what do you call
that machine over there?"
"Why, that's simple. 'Tis a loader, and it's used for moving great piles of
dirt about the place."
"Very good. How about that one," and he points the other way.
"Faith, why that's a pile driver. Used for driving bloody great steel
beems deep into the ground."
"Well," allows the foreman, "you seem to know your business all right. Just
one more question then: what's the difference between a joist and a girder?"
"Why, anyone knows that. Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'Faust'!"
------------------------------
Date: Friday, June 24, 1994 9:21AM
From: Spencer Amir
Subject: The Palindrome
To: Geoff Voelker and hence to various mailing lists
Enclosed is the palindrome, "Dog Sees Ada." It turns out it's a mere 315
words; I must have made some changes since my last word count. Hmmm.
=====================
Gordon Dow
October 1991
Dog Sees Ada
Adam? I'm Adam! Moody, me? Dam it (sic)! Are we all? I know Ada.
I saw Ada.
Ah, a short symbol to no denial: Eyes omit naive dog-desserts. Evil
right, old-name diets. A tree-bonnet foliate, relax: If Ada did pull
order, read. Ada had a foe, fire-rose facade tool, too-hot yard Iraq:
arid Elijah at a haj. I lead a reviled noose, Canadian!
It is coded, on a pistol by Rome, "Man is an ardor pelt, tactiler, sad."
A tacit sin, a rude Roman enema. I ran; Agnus Dei, Dada lived on.
I, a gap, a zero monad, Ada's nose: "Rift on, evil royal pilots!" I
pass a nasal acolyte. I pondered, now idle.
His flack: late no-no's, tits, a cow. Two-cow, to tenor of God! A
sin is a sign, ignoble udder-cases! La femme fatale gnawed at a
phone-post, also lost call, eh? She'll act solo, slats open. Oh, pat
a dew-angel at a femme false. Sacred duel, bonging is a sin; is a dog?
For one to two-cow two, cast it so none talk calfs!
I held, I wondered. No piety local as an ass. A pistol (I play, or
live not) fires on sad Ada. "No more!" Zap! Again. O devil! Ada
died, sung an aria. Men, enamored, uranistic at Ada's relit cattle
prod, ran as in a memory blot.
Sip an ode, Doc; sit in. Aid an ace, soon deliver Ada! Elijah!
At a haj, I led Iraq (arid ray to hoot), looted a cafe sore, rife of
Ada. Had Ada erred? Roll up. Did Ada fix ale, retail? Often. "No
beer taste," I demand, "loth girl! I've stressed! Go, deviant!"
"I mosey!"
"Elaine, Do not lob my Stroh's!"
Aha! Ada was I; Ada won. Kill a ewe, racist.
I made my doom: "Madam, I'm ADA!"
Ada sees God.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 12:49:54 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: The rats, the rats
To: spaf
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come
out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light
post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his
legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
lawyer."
------------------------------
Date: 10 Mar 94 21:22:24 GMT
From: sjm1@crux4.cit.cornell.edu (Seth Morabito)
Subject: vibrating hard disk makes computer move
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.folklore.urban
jclandry@woozle.eecs.umich.edu (Joe Landry) writes:
>Hello, world!
>A friend of mind who went to RPI told me the following urban legend.
>Long ago when computers were more primitive, some RPI students got a
>computer to rattle across the floor by making its hard disk resonante.
>They supposedly got the disk to resonant by doing disk accesses in a
>special way. Sounds like bogatude to me. Anybody know anything about
>this?
Actually, it had nothing to do with disk accesses. The fact is, that in
the old days, data was a lot heavier than it is now. The magnetic
material used on disks was quite cumbersome, and if care was not
taken, all the data would end up on one side of the disk, like
clothes in a washing machine. The results could be disasterous, with
disks shaking their way accross floors, crashing into computers,
falling out of windows and crushing passer-bys, and causing a general
nuissance. A young Peter Norton, it is said, developed the first
application (on a PDP-11/23 running RT-11, I believe) to scatter the
data evenly accross the surfaces of the disk platters, distributing
the mass evenly, and ending the days of walking disks forever.
Ironically, when data became much lighter, and there was no longer
a danger of having disks wobbling along the floor, Peter Norton made
a bundle selling Norton Utilities, which allowed a user to get all the
scattered bits of data on a disk in one place, to increase access speed.
What a strange world we live in...
Oh, btw, I have some great land in florida I'd be willing to part with. If
you're interested, drop me a line ;-)
------------------------------
Date: 23 Jun 1994 00:11:36 GMT
From: tzs@u.washington.edu (Tim Smith)
Subject: Why "split" toilet seats?
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,misc.legal
Daniel B Case <v140pxgt@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu> wrote:
>Supposedly, there exists an actual lawsuit where someone sued a railroad
>because he perched on the toilet at the moment the train either stopped or
>slowed down, and he injured one of his testicles quite severely. He arugued
>that the railroad should have posted instructions on how to use the toilet
>from a sitting position, and/or advising that the train could stop suddenly.
>
>Anyone on misc.legal got anything?
I don't have a direct cite to the case. However, the book _Disorderly
Conduct_ by Jones, Sevilla, and Uelmen, which consist of assorted things
taken from actual court cases (many of which are quite hilarious, by the
way), contains the following, which is supposed to be from the answer by
the railroad company to the complaint:
The defendant further specially excepts
to said petition where it is alleged that
the plaintiff, upon discovering that the
wooden stool was wet, raised the same
and squatted with his feet posied on the
porcelain bowl of the commode, from
which roosting position he says his foot
slipped causing him to fall to the great
detriment of his left testicle, for the
reason that it is obvious that the said
commode with its full moon contours was
rightfully and properly designed for the
comfort of sitters only, being equipped
with neither spurs, stirrips nor toeholds
for boots or shoes: this defendant,
therefore, was not legally required to
foresee that the plaintiff, traveling on its
modern, air-conditioned deluxe passenger
train would so persist in his barnyard
predilections as to trample upon its
elagant toilet fixture in the barbaric style
of horse and buggy days.
For further answer, if needed, this
defendant enters its general denial and
specially pleads that the plaintiff should
not be allowed to recover any sum
against it for the reason that the plaintiff
is, in truth and in fact, a chronic
squatter, born and bred to the custom of
the corn crib, and, although a comparitively
young man, is unable to adapt
himself to the cultural refinements of a
New Deal civilization, and should have,
therefore, in the exercise of due care
deferred taking the Crazy Water Crystals
until such time when he could be at
home secure and sure-footed on his own
dung-hill or with his feet planted solidly
on the flat board of his own old
fashioned two-holer.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Jun 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: horen@datasrv.co.il (Jonathan B. Horen)
Subject: World standards
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
rlang@firebird.newcastle.edu.au wrote:
> "The ISBN number is all I need. Its the world standard ! With the ISBN
> number, I can locate the book on the computer and order it for you"
> I handed over the sheet of paper with the details and pointed to the ISBN
> number.
> "Oh, damn, you've got the American ISBN number, and we need the European ISBN
> number."
To convert American ISBN to European ISBN, multiply the American ISBN by
1.8 and then add 32.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------