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Yucks Digest V4 #17 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 22 Jun 94 Volume 4 : Issue 17
Today's Topics:
as Bugs would say
Backups
biowarfare experiments
Books in Stock
Brother, can you spare a dime?
Bulwer-Lytton Winner
Curiosity
DEC has not lost its timing, despite industry reports to the contary.
DIY cremation
don't do it
Experience with 1-800-VW-USA
Great country songs
LunchMeatORAMA
Michael tries for Eagle
Quote of the day
seen in a .sig
smoking can damage your car
soutch pole
South Pole on the net
Special O.J. Simpson Issue
sports
Technology Update from IBM
Thigh Cream explained
TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
Touching Electrified Fences
Vegetable theft
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 12 Jun 94 21:21:00 -0700
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: as Bugs would say
To: eniac
from News of the Weird
> * On April 30, a driver, unidentified by police, was
> found in his car at the end of Interstate 8 in San
> Diego, Calif., with a map in his hand and a "perplexed
> look" on his face, according to a California Highway
> Patrol spokesman. He explained that he had come from
>New Mexico and was looking for Arizona. [Arizona
> Republic-AP, 5-1-94]
He shoulda toined left instead of right at Albuquerque...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 10:50:51 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Backups
To: yucks, yucks@ucsd.UCSD.EDU
In article <2t86sf$ebf@citecub.citec.qld.gov.au> sgcccdc@citecub.citec.qld.gov.au (Colin Campbell) writes:
>Matthew SAMS (maclean@cs.mcgill.ca) wrote:
>: Things are looking pretty grim especially since we don't really have
>: money for options 2 or 3.
>
>Go to management and say,
>
> "You are discussing disaster recovery. You either have the money
> for disaster recovery or you are not really interested in
> disaster recovery. Simple as that."
"Well, what we are discussing is preadaptive data archive maintenance."
"Yeah, disaster recovery."
"Oh, no, `disaster recovery' is completely unscientific, a collection
of poorly explained tricks. I went to a seminar last week in the
Caribbean on preadaptive data archive maintenance, and I have notes
proving that with the money we once allocated for your primitive
`disaster recovery' we can harden our client-oriented batch-specific
data processing service endeavors against any eventuality short of a
supernova."
"Okay, how?"
"Here are the notes."
(The system administrator pages through fifteen pages of
introduction.) "`Step one. Identify needs.' Okay. We need off-site
storage so we're not hosed in the event of fire."
"That is not an option. Preadaptive data archive maintenance is an
entirely internal matter."
"Then if we have a fire all our data goes."
"Clearly you have not set up our redundant blocking tape branch
correctly."
"Our what?"
"I attended a seminar in Bangkok on that very topic six months ago."
"Huh? What's a redundant blocking tape branch?"
"I don't recall. I have the notes around here somewhere. Really, I
don't see why I should have to do your job for you. Anyway, once you
set that up, we won't need off-site storage, which is a security risk
anyway."
"Look. If a terrorist blows up the building, everything in it is
lost, right?"
"Look, you technological elitist, our company did not send me to
Southeast Asia for three weeks with a packet of pedosodomy vouchers on
a whim. The technology exists. Make use of it."
"Somebody lied to you. There is no such technology."
"Just because you have eight years of experience as a full-time system
administrator, don't think you can bully *me.* I am perfectly capable
of determining which technologies are viable and which are not. Back
to your cube, maggot. Report at dawn to the Performance Review board
and bring a spare shirt, as the one you are wearing now will surely be
flogged from your body."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 16:15:39 EDT
From: ctw0%bucket@gte.com
Subject: biowarfare experiments
To: spaf
Howdy,
I was wandering down a hallway in one of the other buildings here at
work today, and passed a door labelled "Molding Lab." I was
immediately reminded of our refrigerator at Tennyson Drive.
Just thought you'd like to know.
[Tom is one of my former roommates. You really don't want to know the
details of that to which he is alluding. Besides, it may still
find us... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 1994 13:14:51 +0800
From: sfisher@Megatest.COM (Scott Fisher)
Subject: Books in Stock
To: eniac
----- Begin Included Message -----
Hope this doesn't take too much of your time today, I couldn't
help sending this in. Oh, and in the I-am-not-making-this-up
category, in todays paper, NOT in News of the Weird yet, a
British married couple have been paid $18,000 to have sex
three times a day for three weeks. It seems some Institute
of Higher Learning is conducting some research. One of the
British Tabloids is involved somehow, they want to be first in
line for the photos being taken as part of the study. They
managed to get a really teeny little camera up the woman's, uh,
"bits", for the first pictures of what it looks like during sex,
and I guess they got one strapped to her partner's willie
as well. (Ouch!)
Think about it.
[Uh, I'm trying not to. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 11:39:14 EDT
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (D. W. James)
Subject: Brother, can you spare a dime?
To: eniac
I'm saving for a car:
LYNDHURST, N.J. (Reuter) - Rolls-Royce Motor Cars Monday
announced what it said is the fastest and most powerful
Rolls-Royce built in its 90-year history.
Named the Flying Spur, the four-door sedan is powered by a
6.75-litre turbo-charged V8 engine, the luxury automaker's
first turbo-charged model under the Rolls-Royce marque. It has
previously offered turbo-charged engines only in its Bentley
line.
The Flying Spur, priced at $225,000 in the United States
and C$278,000 in Canada, will be a limited edition model with
only 35 being produced for North America this year.
The car, which weighs 5,440 pounds, accelerates from 0 to
60 mph in under 7 seconds. Equipped with anti-lock power disc
brakes on all four wheels, it stops from that speed in about
three seconds, requiring 145 feet.
Michael Donovan, Rolls managing director, said the car was
built in response to requests from owners for a
high-performance Rolls-Royce. "While achieving phenomenal
performance for a car of its size, the Flying Spur is fitted
with all the luxuries owners expect in a Rolls- Royce motor
car," he said.
...
Wheeeeeee
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 18:34:10 PDT
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.com (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Bulwer-Lytton Winner
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
[Forwards removed]
Dateline: San Jose, California:
Winners were named yesterday in the 1994 Bulwer-Lytton
Fiction Contest, an annual tribute to lousy literature
named for the British author who opened his 1830 novel
"Paul Clifford" with the line, "It was a dark and
stormy night."
San Jose State University English Professor Scott Rice
said hacks form every state of the union and six
foreign countries contributed nearly 9000 entries.
Grand prize winner is Larry Brill, an Austin, Texas, TV
anchorman, who claimed he had an unfair advantage
because he writes TV news. His entry:
"As the fading light of a dying day filtered through
the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a
smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him
after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that
had mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out
of the office with one last look back at the shattered
computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo
left to rot on the information highway."
Brill's prize is a cheap computer.
"No reward is necessary, sir. You see, I am
possessed of a comfortable annuity which permits
me to live in luxury and dissipation."
-- ADMIRAL BONIFACE'S PARROT,
Col. G. L. Sicherman
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 09:59:29 -0700
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Curiosity
To: eniac
> I am medical doctor. I practice medicine so well twenty years they send
> me on grant to study new modern medicine practices here in America. This
> where I learn about many things. In my country (GABON!) we have much
> people in the hospitals with brain damage (ORGANIC) cause by malnutriton.
> They are mostly listless and have letharge. I see electric shock therapy
> here in America, which is very old but still often use in times when
> organic brain damage. I think maybe we can use this but when I ask, electric
> shock theraphy machine is much too expensive. Also not completly shure
> it will work. I think then maybe we can use CARDIAC DEFIBRILLATOR which
> we can get free from RED CROSS. CD puts out big electricity for very
> short time to restart heart sometimes. Maybe we can use to restart brain?
> Use distal and later al against to not cause too much sezure in front.
> I am worried just that might burn things up if its too powerful or maybe
> not powerful enough. What is differences between VOLTS and AMPS too? I
> am very sory for such poor english please tell me.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Jun 94 3:20:01 EDT
From: ldr@veritech.com (Lee D. Rothstein)
Subject: DEC has not lost its timing, despite industry reports to the contary.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
DEC, today (5/27/94), in two separate announcements, proclaimed:
Mr. Mullarkey is the new VP of Finance.
AND
Mr. Win Hindle, the resident DEC ethicist will retire.
A coincidence?
I think not!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 12:36:14 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: DIY cremation
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Seen on alt.tasteless
Mourners smelled smoke at a Baton Rouge [Louisianna, USA] funeral and when
a mortician investigated, found a fire inside the coffin. Investigators
said embalming fluid leaking from the body of Wycliff Robertson, 25, may
have caused a chemical reaction inside the coffin, starting the fire.
Robertson, who was shot to death earlier this week, was said to have been
placed in a new coffin for his burial.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 1994 11:51:33 -0400
From: richard@panchax.gryphon.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Subject: don't do it
To: eniac
No matter how bad an attack of the blind screaming munchies you, have,
no matter how late it is, and no matter how good they taste, resist
at all costs the urge to eat half a bag of prun
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Jun 1994 17:19:50 -0500 (EDT)
From: Paul Thublin <paul@sware.com>
Subject: Experience with 1-800-VW-USA
To: meo@pencom.com, spaf, kurt@cc.gatech.edu
Being a customer service rep for our software company, I know that there's
often a lot of handholding in every service call, but normally it's me
that tells the customer how to spell things, not the other way round...
Forwarded message:
|From: Arvind "Benny" Benegal <benny@sware.com>
|Subject: Experience with 1-800-VW-USA
|
|I called up the 800 number for VW to find out if the car I'd bought was
|indeed a '94 model and not '93. The reason was that a couple of people
|including competitor salesmen had called me up to say that no one would
|sell the '94 model for the price I bought it at. So I had my VIN
|number ready and the customer service rep came on the line. She asked
|me for the VIN; it read something like VWJF38705RE23890. She typed it
|in and immediately said, "It's a '94 model". Before I could say
|anything, she said, "Let me tell you how I arrived at it". This is
|where the comedy begins.
|
|"The 11th character identifies the model year, in your case 'R'". I
|said, "Excuse me, but I think that's the 10th character". At this time
|she started counting the characters and said, "Yes, you're right, by
|golly, it is the 10th character. Now, what you do, is add 23 to the
|year 1971 to arrive at your model year." Obviously, I asked, "Why 23
|in particular?" She replied, "'Cos 'R' is the 23rd letter of the
|alphabet, starting from A." So I said, "No ma'am, I believe it is the
|18th, in which case my car should be an '89 model by your logic."
|
|By now, she sounded resigned, didn't bother to count to 'R' and in a
|moment of relief, screamed "The computer claims that your car is a '94
|model".
|
| .
| .
| .
|
|PS: I called again, having got a different operator this time, who said
|that it was '94 alright becuase it showed up on the computer but the
|way to determine that was to look at the last 8 or 9 letters. Go figure!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 94 09:25:19 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: Great country songs
To: spaf
"The Annual All Time Best of the Worst Country Song Titles"
as printed in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- (Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill
- I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
- If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
- I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
- Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
- Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
- Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
- You're A Cross I Can't Bear
- It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
- I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
- Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
- If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
- I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
- If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
- Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
- Do You Love As Good As You Look
- I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
- When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
- My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You
- You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
- How can I miss you when you won't go away?
(I keep on seeing you, day after day.
You never leave here, you always stay and stay,
How can I miss you when you won't go away?)
- Why do you believe me when I tell you that I love you when you know I've
been a liar all my life?
- He's been drunk since his wife's gone punk
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 1994 17:04:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: Pete Apple <petebob@sequent.com>
Subject: LunchMeatORAMA
To: bob
Have you ever tossed and turned throughout the night? Have you ever
felt some sort of emptiness inside you that you just couldn't ever seem
to satisfy? Do ever wonder "what's life about? What's the point?"
Obviously, you need the SPAM Catalog.
Check out Spam watches ($15.99); Spam T-shirts and sweatshirts
($7.99-26.99); Spam caps ($7.99-$8.95); shorts ($11.99); and even
suglasses ($7.50). Don't forget the golf balls ($6.99); the bamboo
glider ($1); the Swiss army knife ($19.99); windsock ($11.99); or
basketball backboard ($11.99).
The catalog is available from the Hormel Foods Gift Center at 1 Hormel
Place, Austin Texas 55912-3680. Or Call (507)-437-5801
You know you need it. You know you want it. Order now, Father's Day is soon!
Just goes to show -- you can put Spam on anything.
NOTE: It's not clear to me from the article I saw this in as to whether
the items simply have the Hormel SPAM logo, or are actually made from SPAM.
A SPAM basketball backboard is feasible, if sickening.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: Matthew.J.Bailey@dartmouth.edu (Matthew J. Bailey)
Subject: Michael tries for Eagle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
My brother told me this I don't know where he got it.
Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
He was up to two packs a day.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I hate it when they throw their bras at me - their panties. It's such
a waste. None of them fit me."
- singer Engelbert Humperdinck, discussing his female fans on the
Arsenio Hall chat show.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 1994 14:26:13 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: seen in a .sig
To: spaf
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| No trees were killed to produce this message |
| ***I make my paper out of elephant tusks and dolphin meat*** |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 16:42:17 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: smoking can damage your car
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Seen on uk.misc
Ok. According to, Lancashire police I believe, quite a few crashes
are caused by people busy 'lighting up' and not paying attention to their
driving. In one incident, the driver struck a match, the flaming head came
off and landed on his nether regions. As he struggled to put out his now
smouldering gonads, he struck another vehicle, lost control of the car,
crossed the central reservation and collided head on with an on coming
vehicle killing both occupants. He broke a leg (and burned his gonads).
[Almost as bad as an electric fence... see below. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 20:44:09 -0700
From: Brian Kantor
Subject: soutch pole
To: spaf
>[We obviously need to get at least an e-mail link in there. They'd
>fit right in with some of the usual net denizens. --spaf]
Gene, I've been shipping the yucks digest to South Pole station for
years. Every one of them is thoroughly enjoyed, so they say.
[A clear sign they have been in isolation too long. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jun 1994 05:07:03 +1200 (NZST)
From: Brent Jones <brent@fred.spole.gov>
Subject: South Pole on the net
To: spaf
>From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
>Subject: Deconstruction in Antartica
>To: silent-tristero
>
> >From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985
>
>"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work"
[stuff deleted]
>[We obviously need to get at least an e-mail link in there. They'd
>fit right in with some of the usual net denizens. --spaf]
A few of us have graduated from multitudinous movie showings, and now
contemplate things such as what would happen if you could get all the
kernels of popcorn to explode at precisely the same moment in a bag of
microwave popcorn?
Brent Jones
Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station
Winter-Over 1988-89, 1993-94 (and still here...)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 94 3:20:01 EDT
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: Special O.J. Simpson Issue
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
For those not up on American Celebrity Watching, O.J. Simpson is a
football (U.S.) Hall-of-Famer also known for doing Hertz rent-a-car
ads where he runs through airports.
Recently, O.J.'s ex-wife and a male friend of hers were brutally
murdered, and more and more reports appeared that O.J. might be
tied to the crime. On Friday night, O.J. left a friend's house
(where he was supposed to turn himself in to police) and led a
phalanx of squad cars on a 50-mile drive from Orange County back
to his house in L.A. This chase was covered live by TV helicopters.
He was finally arrested in his driveway.
==========
Subject: Why O.J. Simpson must be innocent
From: wutka@netcom.com (Mark Wutka)
O.J. Simpson CANNOT be guilty for the murders he was charged with, since the
two victims were stabbed to death. After all, everyone knows that
Buffalo Bills *ALWAYS* choke!
==========
From: aberman@cs.washington.edu
Did you hear about the new drink called "The Simpson"?
OJ, a couple of slices, and a chaser
==========
Subject: Tasty Bar Drink
From: bartolett_gregory@smtpmac.bah.com (Bartolett Gregory)
I heard this joke on the "Don & Mike National Radio Show" on WJFK
in Washington, DC.
Order a Bloody Screwdriver the next time you're at a sports bar.
It's O.J. mixed with bitters, and a sliced tomato.
=========
From: watnik@wald.ucdavis.edu (Michael Watnik)
This *might* be original
After Hertz fired OJ as their spokesman, he made the mistake of heading
NORTH on I-5. Had OJ headed SOUTH, Taco Bell was prepared to hire him as
part of their "make a run for the border" campaign.
=========
From: cz23+@andrew.cmu.edu (Clay R. Zambo)
Subject: Day care?
Heard on an otherwise dull AM radio talk show this morning (no, I was
looking for the news!):
CALLER: I just saw a CNN update on the O. J. Simpson case. Michael
Jackson has volunteered to take care of the kids.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 1994 10:56:08 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: sports
To: wpwood@hostname.pencom.com (Bill P Woodward)
"To be considered a sport, an activity has a few minimum
requirements:
1. serious physical exertion as a necessary part of the activity
2. (a)physical and (b)mental skills should be exersized and improved
3. at least one of the following must be present as an *integral*
part of the activity, not an incidental possibility:
- physical contact
- personal peril
4. if music is involved it must be at least moderately raucous
5. competition
Contrary to popular beliefe, TV coverage is not a necessity.
We may now classify a few common activities according to their
`sportliness'. Reasons against will be given by number.
Is a sport Not a sport Marginal
------------------- ---------------------- ------------------
US Football Bridge (1-3) Baseball (1, 3)
Football (US soccer) Golf (1, 3) Basic Shooting (1, 3)
Basketball Sync. Swimming (3, 4) Diving (3)
M/C Racing Auto Racing (1) Track (2b, 3)
War Obfuscated C Prog. Cow Tipping
Contest (1, 2a, 3)
As we can see, there are many activities which qualify as being
competitions, but which are *not* sports."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 08:47:00 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu (Chuck Koelbel)
Subject: Technology Update from IBM
To: yucks
>Date: Fri, 1 Apr 94 09:27:43 CST
>From: vardi (Moshe Vardi)
>To: faculty
>Subject: Technology Update from IBM
>Status: R
>
>
> The IBM Zurich laboratory unveiled the world's fastest chip this week.
> The chip, code named "Timeless", is based on high temperature
> superconductors and is capable of transferring data signals faster
> than the speed of light. This makes it possible for a computer based
> on this chip to produce answers before questions are asked.
>
> Using this technology, the IBM Hursley laboratory has been able to
> produce a program product before the user requirements were known.
> Industry analysts found the Hursley announcement humorous, citing that
> IBM has been writing program products without user requirements for
> years. Products created using the Hursley method are still expected
> to miss their ship dates due to the excessive length of the Fall and
> Spring planning cycles.
>
> The IBM Communication Products Systems Test organization is using the
> same technology to test program products in zero days. Said a
> spokesperson in Raleigh, "It's amazing. Just preparing to test the
> software thoroughly causes it to be tested. It's like the system can
> read your mind." Oddly enough, planning experts in System Test are
> reporting that regardless of the productivity gains realized by the
> Timeless chip, the average test duration is expected to be nine
> months.
>
> There have been rumors of some odd side-effects of the Timeless chip.
> Some customers have been receiving products before they order them.
> Most customers we interviewed did admit that they were planning to
> order the new software when it arrived. They said that they liked the
> speed with which the products arrived, but they disliked IBM's new
> policy of billing them before they ordered anything. Said an IBM
> billing expert, "We knew they were going to think about ordering some
> software, so we thought we would think about billing them."
>
> IBM Service has made some exciting advances in hardware and software
> maintenance based on these side-effects. IBM Service worldwide has
> begun a free preventative maintenance program in which the IBM
> Customer Engineers think about fixing all the problems of every
> customer. Said an IBM Service representative, "The program is working
> very well. Service calls are down 99%. The only calls we are getting
> now are to fix hardware and software that hasn't been invented yet."
>
> If you are thinking of ordering computer systems which uses the
> Timeless chip, they can be ordered from IBM by calling 1-800-426-2486.
> Of course, if you have been thinking about ordering one, it is
> probably on its way to you right now.
>
>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 09:57:37 PDT
From: "Diane Foley" <dfoley@skyld.grendel.com>
Subject: Thigh Cream explained
To: "Gene Spafford" <spaff>
> My next thought was, what does thigh cream do, exactly? It doesn't seem
> to be mentioned here... --spaf]
Well, who knows what they are *actually* selling. What they are pretending
to be selling, well...
Apparently there was a study recently (I never looked up the original
reference, so I can't tell you how reputable or well-done it was) showing
that repeated topical application of theophylline to women's thighs reduced
their thigh girth by some significant amount (significant in the statistical
sense, that is.)
Theophylline is a prescription-only drug that is usually used to improve
breathing in asthmatics. It apparently acts by inhibiting the breakdown of
cyclic nucleotides, which depending on the tissue involved, can send all
kinds of messages to other parts of the cell or tissue. Caffeine has some
similarity in its effects..so I assume these people are selling caffeine
cream, while trying to imply that they are selling theophylline cream.
(Unless they are diverting prescription drugs and selling them by mail while
spamming the Internet...)
However, even if this stuff actually works to reduce thigh size, I have some
serious reservations about how safe it is. There have been studies showing
that people with a "pear-shaped" fat distribution (buttocks and thighs) had
a lower incidence of coronary artery disease than people with an
"apple-shaped" distribution (abdomen). And we know that pre-menopausal
women have a much lower incidence of coronary artery disease than men. My
theory is that there is a competition for binding of circulating lipids
between the thigh and the coronary arteries, and thus that women's heavy
thighs protect them from heart attacks(!) I am considering sending this in
as a federal research grant...if there are enough heavy-thighed women on the
committee, it might even be approved!
[Bzzt! I'm sorry, this won't do -- the answer isn't silly enough. Try
again please, and this time to the tune of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls"
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jun 94 19:30:05 EDT
From: kovalsky@sys2.ped.pto.ford.com (Diagnostics and Self Test Calibration Section)
Subject: TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I found this posted at work. We don't REALLY work like this...
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in
the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule
the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up
when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the
stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who
understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say
as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 12:12:44 GMT
From: cab1@aber.ac.uk (Magpie)
Subject: Touching Electrified Fences
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.suburban,alt.folklore.urban,alt.suicide.holiday,sci.med
In article <2t2lj6$at5@sol.ctr.columbia.edu>,
David Farmer <farmer@shire.math.columbia.edu> wrote:
>When I was in elementary school it was widely reported that if you want to
>grab an electric fence, then you should use your right hand. The reason
>given was that if you used the left hand the electricity would go directly
>to your heart. It was also suggested that you hold a blade of grass and
>touch the grass to the fence. Presumably this would sheild you in some way.
>I know I touched an electric fence once, but I can't recall which hand I
>used and I don't recall if I used a blade of grass.
>
>How dangerous is an electric fence?
Depends on the type, but never fataly so.
>If one wanted to touch an electric fence, what is the best method to use?
I once urinated on one by accident. I don't recommend that method in the
slightest.
Carl "Will electrocute penis for food?" Bradbury.
[I must also confess to urinating on an electric fence. Twice. Both
times by accident (although some may wonder). In both cases, one's
involuntary muscles take over and proceed to tell the rest of the body
that they are never going to relax again. Ever. The body can die of
uremic poisoning for all they care. Nearby muscles join in; for
instance, the anal sphincter attempts to clamp shut forever. Somewhere
up around the liver, as I recall.
The first time, several of us had several beers, and we pulled off to
the side of the road to leave the used beer. We didn't know about the
fence. We did quite soon. Imagine the pressure building up from all
the beers, and the involuntary muscle groups going "No way, dude."
The second time, I didn't see the fence. But that was because of the
rain (I had just finished fixing a flat out in the country in the
middle of the night). The extra wet feet didn't help then, either. My
girlfriend in the car thought this was extremely funny. This did
nothing to dissuade my nether regions from thoughts of joining the
priesthood. I only hope the guy she married continues to forget to put
the seat down at night. :-)
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 16:26 EDT
From: rs@reptiles.org (Richard Sexton)
Subject: Vegetable theft
To: eniac
Newsgroups: rec.gardens
So, like, I've become an avid gardner over the past couple of years
and recently started reading rec.gardens. What a lovely group.
So placid, so tranquil, no doubt from hours of ponderous
comtemplation among the peonies.
It's reaally refreshing to read a usenet group where the people
are all so friendly and helpful.
Here's a sample.
mwspitze@uci.edu (matt spitzer) writes:
> Last year I managed to put a damper on my theft problem
>by injecting a few bell peppers with ipecac and posting a
>warning. This year I plan to do the same, but I am also
>considering more noxious deterents. To this end I
>would really appreciate it if someone could tell me
>where I might get razor wire, and/or large leg traps.
>.I thought it might be fun to hide these little suprises
>in the dense clover growing under my pepper plants.
I opt for the nuetron landmines, personally.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
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