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Yucks Digest V4 #14 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 23 May 94 Volume 4 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
"Thou gleeking plume-plucked joithead!" / "Has it floored in neutral."
'Serial Eater' Steals Meals
Adam And Eve Online
bobbitt hillbillies..
But Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
FUNNY: Cat Resume
FW: REGULATORY HUMOR: In the Beginning..
Illegal Aliens
Metric Prefixes
possibly useful data
RESULT: soc.apathy fails 104:283
S: [alt.personals.ads,...] Searching for a Special Woman
Sesquipedalephilia
Speech Recoginition is a Good Thing
The Solar Eclipse
We are NOT talking George Lucas...
what goes around comes around....
Which carrier is Dan Quayle Really Using?
Winter Jokes.
Yucks Digest V4 #13 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 94 14:24:55 -0400
From: Alan Bawden <Alan@lcs.mit.edu>
Subject: "Thou gleeking plume-plucked joithead!" / "Has it floored in neutral."
I think we're all getting a bit more testy as the Internet continues to
fill up with the clueless. I seem to be seeing more and more items devoted
to the art of insult. Here are two such items that are currently making
the rounds.
Shakespeare Insult Kit
Combine one word from each of the three columns below,
prefaced with "Thou":
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlot
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 May 1994 16:41:59 -0700
From: armand@wickham.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: 'Serial Eater' Steals Meals
To: spaf
>From: Seth Chandler <72203.3205@CompuServe.COM>
Description: 'Serial Eater' Steals Meals
Header: AP Online
AP 05/19 12:38 EDT V0779
Copyright 1994. The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Don't call Gangaram Mahes a common criminal. When he winds
up in the joint, he goes in style: dining out on fine cuisine and top-shelf
liquor. When the check arrives, he shrugs and waits for the police.
"The Serial Eater." That's what his public defender calls Mahes, who has
pleaded guilty to stealing a restaurant meal at least 31 times. The
36-year-old sometimes-homeless man never asks for a lighter sentence.
The whole idea is to wind up in the slammer, where he's assured three
squares a day and a clean bed.
Mahes emigrated from Guyana in 1976, expecting a land of "milk and honey."
The only stability he found was in the Army and later in jail.
"It's tough on the outside," Mahes told The New York Times.
"I like to live decent," he said. "I like to be clean."
Right now, he's doing 90 days at the Rikers Island jail for the meal he
filched at a cafe in Rockefeller Center. He ordered the swordfish steak and a
Chivas Regal. The check came to $51.31.
He also likes an Indian restaurant in Manhattan and a chain of rib joints
around the city. One of his meals came to $100, prosecutors say.
Does it bother prosecutors that it has cost taxpayers more than $250,000
over the last five years to keep Mahes in the manner to which he's become
accustomed? His latest stay will cost $14,580: $162 a day to feed, clothe and
house Mahes.
"He does belong in jail," said Barbara Thompson, a spokeswoman for the
Manhattan District Attorney. "It's the same as if it were a string of
shopliftings."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 17:01:47 EDT
From: wolit@library.mt.att.com
Subject: Adam And Eve Online
To: eniac
After 2 1/2 years of looking, the Visible Human Project at the
National Library of Medicine (NLM) in Bethesda, Md., settled
recently on the cadavers of a 38-year-old man and a 59-year-old
woman to represent the online human body. Using digitized
photography, computerized tomography, and magnetic resonance
imaging in 1 mm sections of the cadavers, the project will build
a 42-gigabyte, three-dimensional image database of the two for
distribution over the Internet. Project planners hope to combine
the imaging data with other types of information--journal
articles, for example--using interlinked information structures.
According to project officer Michael J. Ackerman at NLM,
investigators had some difficulty finding the "average" man and
woman between the ages of 20 and 60 that they needed: two
individuals who were healthy but had died suddenly without
physical trauma. It seems that far more men than women die in
this way, usually from drug overdoses, he says. The pair, who
will, in a sense, represent the first human beings in cyberspace,
are called "Adam" and "Eve" by project workers.
(The Scientist, Vol:8, #10, May 16, 1994
[Too bad they couldn't get Canter & Siegel. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 3:20:01 EDT
From: randy@microunity.com (Randy Wigginton)
Subject: bobbitt hillbillies..
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
sung to the tune of beverly hillbillies.......
The Ballad of The Bobbit Hillbillies
Here's a little story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-Marine (with a little fraction gone)
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife
(Penis, that is)
(Rodeoed, fillet-ioed)
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded round a bend
(Curve , that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick-doc said' "Hey! I can fix your little dong"
"A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need"
Then the world held it's breath 'till they heard that John had peed.
(Wizzed, that is)
(Stiched seam, straight stream)
Well he healed, and he hardened, and he took his case to court
With a lame-o cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assult, and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 May 1994 06:39:10 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: But Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?
To: eniac
[excerpted from Herbert Glass's music column in the LA Times Calendar]
"The fabled 1974 recording of Handel's "Water Music" by Nikolaus
Harnoncourt and his Concentus Musicus Wein, too long absent from
the catalogue, is back at last.
"Recordings this awful should always be available: not to provide
cautionary lessons, since no one is likely to follow Harnoncourt's
perverse examples, but to provide a measure of relief from the excess
of sanity that pervades so much of what is in an average month's
new releases.
"And in Teldec's mid-priced "Das alte Werk" series (93668) this
"Water Music" is cheaper (and better recorded) than the Spike Jones
reissues to which it has been unfavorably compared.
"First, for those who have forgotten, there's the sound of the
Harnoncourt 'tutti', strangely evocative of something large and
ungainly crashing into a chain-link fence. Then there are the
legendary horn trills, in effect the most obscene of raspberries.
And less amusing things, such as the occasional somnambulistic
tempo, some surpassingly sour oboe playing, and several numbers
that aren't weird or poorly executed at all. But don't let that
put you off..."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 10:06:35 -0600
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
To: nobody@rascal.ics.utexas.edu (smile, I think you have humour :-)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
She's got a corvette, and he'll do the dishes.
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
Who can remember with a hangover like that
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
Who cares, turn the lights out and they all look the same.
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
How the hell should I know?
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
One is trying to keep the other from running away.
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
Love stinks.
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
Good hygene, and lots of money.
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Again - How the hell should I know.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
They drop their silverware alot.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
I wonder if I can borrow the corvette.
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
Most people dont
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
After 6 months and an AIDS test.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
Suspended animation
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 16:58:28 -0600
From: Batman Returns <BRUCE@UTXVMS.CC.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: FUNNY: Cat Resume
To: various
Ernie, Esq.
Main St., Alley #3,
Sacramento, CA 95816
Tel: (916) 448-8888
Fax: (916) 448-9999
ernie.cat@netcom.com
Career Goal
Long term position as HOUSECAT.
Qualifications
* Omnivorous. Strong rodent-control capabilities.
* Excellent nonverbal communication skills. Highly trained purring.
* Affectionate. Adaptable. Rare feline willingness to follow
established guidelines.
* Proven stud potential.
Experience
BARNCAT Westchester Estates, New York. March 1988-May 1990
* Ensured day-to-day rodent control for two story, 35,000 sq.
foot barn.
* Consumed over five rodents per day (average).
* Achieved 37% reduction in barn swallow population.
* Awarded feline leukemia inoculation after one month of service.
* Earned in-house privileges for outstanding service and
behavior after only two months on the job!
ALLEYCAT Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California. November
1986-February 1988
* Successfully maintained territorial boundaries of four square
block area in notoriously competitive and dangerous location.
* Developed proficiency in urban survival, hunting, and
scavenging skills.
* Honored by co-cats for consistent expertise in maneuvering
safely and adroitly through heavy traffic of skateboards,
cars, and rollerskates.
Education
Certificate: Feline Deportment, February, 1987.
* Tom & Jerry, Associates, Hollywood, California. 1 year
intensive study with Tom of famed "Tom & Jerry" partnership.
High honors.
References available on request.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 93 14:44:05 PST
From: Diana L Chabot <Diana_L_Chabot@ccm.hf.intel.com>
Subject: FW: REGULATORY HUMOR: In the Beginning..
<forwards banished>
In the Beginning...
God created the Heaven and the Earth. Quickly He was faced with a
class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He
was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly part of the project, but was
stymied with a cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly
project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light" and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining ?
What about thermal pollution ? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted permission to make light, assuming that no
smoke would result from the ball of fire, and to conserve energy the light
would have to be out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herb and such as may
seed." The Environmental Protection Agency agreed so long as native seed was
used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creatures
having life; and the fowl that may fly over the Earth." Officials pointed out
that this would require the approval of the Game and Fish Commision
coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic
Society.
Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in
six days. Officials said it would take at least 100 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10 to 12 months before...
At this point, God created hell.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 16:19:23 -0600
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: Illegal Aliens
To: spaf
From: jzt023@ufp.main.gov (Ambassador Richard Tozuki)
Subject: Green Card Lottery- Final One?
Distribution: alpha quadrant
Organization: United Federation of Planets (UFP)
Green Card Lottery 2374 May Be The Last One!
THE DEADLINE HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED.
The Green Card Lottery is a completely legal program instituted by the United
Federation of Planets (UFP) giving away a certain annual allotment of
Green Cards to persons born on certain non-Federation planets. The lottery
program was scheduled to continue on a permanent basis. However, recently,
Admiral Nachayev introduced a bill into the Federation High Council which
could end any future lotteries. THE 2374 LOTTERY IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE
SOON, BUT IT MAY BE THE VERY LAST ONE.
PERSONS BORN ON MOST PLANETS QUALIFY, MANY FOR
FIRST TIME.
The only planets NOT qualifying are: Romulus, Tholia, Cardassia, Kzin, Thalos
IV, and selected other planets listed as "closed for travel" to Federation
citizens in the document "Know Before You Go", available by subspace ftp from
ftp.ufp.main.gov, ftp.ds9.gov, or any other local Federation ftp site under
/pub/legal/travel/Know_Before_You_Go.
(Note: We have been receiving complaints about misuse of the USS Enterprise
=> FTP
site ftp.ncc1701d.mil. Captain Picard informs me that this site will be
=> taken
off line if use is not brought down.)
Lottery registration will take place soon. 55,000 Green Cards will be
given to those who register correctly. NO JOB IS REQUIRED (with the
=> exception
of Ferengi who must prove established means of support.)
THERE IS A STRICT JUNE DEADLINE. THE TIME TO START IS NOW!!
For FREE information via subspace, send request to
info@ufp.main.gov with the subject header "Lottery".
--
Ambassador Richard Tozuki
Secretary of State, United Federation of Planets
124 Fisherman's Wharf San Francisco, Earth LX1235-4001
Subspace: jzt023@ufp.main.gov
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 17:59:13 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Metric Prefixes
To: spaf
> From: misrael@grdb.csi.uottawa.ca (Mark Israel)
> Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.usage.english
>
> In article <CpIqLu.4FC@seagoon.newcastle.edu.au>, Peter Moylan <peter@tesla.newcastle.edu.au> writes:
>
> > 10^12 dactyls = 1 teradactyl
> > 10^15 philes = 1 petaphile
> > 10^18 stentials = 1 exastential
>
> Dubious metrics
> ---------------
>
> A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch
> one ship.
>
> A microhelen is the amount of beauty required to
> motivate one sailor.
>
> A megahelen is the amount of beauty required to make the
> sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.
>
> But this is all rather bogus, since we are applying metric
> prefixes to Troy units.
>
> Other dubious metrics:
>
> 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo
> 10**18 minations = 1 examination
> 10**15 coats = 1 petacoat
> 10**12 bulls = 1 terabull
> 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone
> 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
> billions and billions = 1 Sagan
> 10**9 lows = 1 gigalow
> 10**9 antics = 1 gigantic
> 10**9 questions = 1 gigawhat
> 10**9 micrometers = 1 kilometer
> = 200 pentameters
> 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
> 2*10**3 millinaries = 4 seminaries
> = 1 binary
> 2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbird
> 1000 Kowalskis = 1 Kilokowalski
> ("Killer" Kowalski was a well-known professional
> wrestler about 20 years ago.)
> 10 cards = 1 decacard
> 10 decor = 1 hector
> 10 dence = 1 decadence
> 10 halls with boughs of holly = decahalls with etc.
> 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
> 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
> = 1 decalogue
> 10 rations = 1 decoration
> 5 holocausts = 1 Pentecost
> 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
> 2 bulls = 1 Pair a bull
> 2 homosexuals = 1 bisexual
> 1 centipede/second = 1 velocipede
> 1/2 Soviet press agency = 1 demitasse
> 10**-1 mate = 1 decimate
> 10**-2 mentals = 1 centimental
> 10**-3 ink machines = 1 millink machine
> 10**-3 on = 1 million
> 10**-5 dollars = 1 Millicent
> 10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
> 10**-6 scopes = 1 microscope
> 10**-9 goats = 1 nanogoat
> 10**-9 Nanettes = 1 nanoNanette
> 10**-12 boos = 1 picoboo
> 10**-12 boulevards = 1 pico-boulevard
> 10**-12 dillies = 1 picodilly
> 10**-15 fatales = 1 femtofatale
> 10**-15 bismol = 1 fepto bismol
> 10**-18 boys = 1 atto boy
> nano-nano = a prefix designating 10**-18
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 May 1994 21:32:28 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: possibly useful data
To: eniac
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie
products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released
next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype
that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and
academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very
own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a
Nutshell" series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up
shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose
watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket
protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her
eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms
such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and
"Alpha AXP's."
"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson,
Marketting Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will
offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year
ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard,"
with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie's Ken is
an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line
of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new
dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are
inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the
sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority
would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they would become
technologically behind by comparison to the children when the
Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the
prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days," says Mrs.
Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know, she
now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it,
but she surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a
dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for
those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to
deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to
Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E
R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository
writing.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 May 94 10:12:32 EDT
From: levin@BBN.COM
Subject: RESULT: soc.apathy fails 104:283
To: eniac
{ From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold)
{ Newsgroups: news.announce.newgroups,news.groups,sci.misc,soc.misc,rec.humor,misc.misc,alt.stupidity,alt.politics.kibo,alt.peeves,alt.misc,alt.fan.joel-furr,talk.politics.misc,talk.bizarre
{ Date: 16 May 1994 21:18:07 -0400
{
{ RESULT
{ unmoderated group soc.apathy fails 104:283
{
{ There were 104 YES votes and 283 NO votes, for a total of 387 valid votes.
{ There were 124 abstains and 4 invalid ballots.
[stuff omitted / JBL]
{ [Votetaker note: If everyone who sent mail saying "I'd vote, but I
{ don't care" would send me $5, I could buy a new computer. -- Ron ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 17:52:03 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: S: [alt.personals.ads,...] Searching for a Special Woman
To: spaf
> Newsgroups: alt.personals,alt.personals.ads,alt.sex,alt.sex.wanted,alt.fetish
> From: an74686@anon.penet.fi
>
> Dear Ladies,
>
> I am looking for married or single women of any race, color, creed,
> kind, weight, age etc...who find themselves attracted to a man who is
> EXTREMELY WELL ENDOWED.
>
> Up to this point, I have had some considerable trouble in holding on
> to girlfriends due to the size of my penis. Many who were turned-on by
> seeing and touching it, were unable to physically accommodate it --
> something which invariably ended the relationship due to frustration on
> both out parts.
>
> My penis is 11-3/4 inches long, and 4 inches around. This itself,
> while huge, is compounded by a head which mushrooms to such an extent that
> attempts at penetration in the past have been likened by my partners to
> "giving birth, literally." I get so hard that one girl, while trying to
> lower herself onto me, claimed it felt like trying to stuff herself with
> an 'oak bannister support!"
>
> If there are any ladies out there who have successfully coupled with
> a man of my dimensions, and are interested in a possible meeting for
> friendship, love and hopefully marriage, please contact me at the above
> address and we'll take it from there.
>
> Thanks,
> Roy
[Gee, I think Madonna is still available... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 15 May 1994 18:04:00 GMT
From: groenjes@herbie.unl.edu (JASON GROENJES)
Subject: Sesquipedalephilia
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english
Ben Walsh (walshb@unix1.tcd.ie) wrote:
: This question has bothered me on a kind of conceptual, rather than a
: linguistic, level.
: The word "fesnyng" is the collective noun given to ferrets. A fesnyng
: of ferrets is one of those idiomatic and endearing terms now facing
: extinction. When was the last time anyone said "a murder of crows" and
: not "a flock"? A "charm of nightingales"? A "watch" of whatever it is
: that comes in watches?
: So, there is the rough Saxon term "fesnyng", heavy with both
: alliteration and assonance: "a fesnyng of ferrets". Lovely.
: Here, though, is the problem. Ferrets are fiercely solitary animals.
: They are no more likely to get together in a fesnyng than you or I are.
: So how, or why, does this word exist? How can you label something which
: does not ever happen.
: The argument: make your own fesnyng. Put a group of ferrets together (I
: believe that a bathtub is usually used for this purpose), and one might
: claim to be entitled to say "there's a fesnyng in my bath". However, I
: disagree. You do not have a fesnyng any more than several lions from
: different prides constitute one pride when put together.
: Any thoughts??
I have something much better than mere thoughts. Last night, in
the spirit of scientific research, I invited several people over for a
few beers. In my bathtub upstairs I installed 12 ferrets. Then,
whenever anyone returned from using the bathroom I asked them, "Did you
notice anything unusual in the bathroom?" Not a single individual
said he noticed anything unusual, but when I pressed further two or
three of them did say, "Well, there *was* a fesnyng in your
bathtub...."
Now I completely agree with your contention that just gathering
together a few lions from different prides would not constitute a new
pride anymore than gathering together a random bunch of people would
result in a family, but what the above ferret experiment seems to show
is that, since ferrets do not *naturally* form fesnyngs, the fact that
I formed one unnaturally--so to speak--in my bathtub does not make it
any less a fesnyng, since there is no more genuine fesnyng to compare
it to.
In a further spirit of scientific research I plan to put 8 or 10
unrelated people of various genders in my bathtub and see if that
results in a family....
I hope this clears up the mystery.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 May 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: Bradford.Wetmore@ebay.sun.com (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Speech Recoginition is a Good Thing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a vendor was demo'ing
his company's latest speech recognition software. He was just about
ready to start the demo, and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just as he was ready to start, someone from the back of the room
yelled, "FORMAT C : RETURN"
(This was mentioned in the Sacra Blue magazine, the monthly newsletter
of the SPCUG.)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 17:58:31 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: The Solar Eclipse
To: spaf
pali151@netcom.com (Tzimon Yliaster) describes the recent eclipse.
=> There will be a solar eclipse tomorrow beginning at around 8:10 AM, and
=> last a total of about an hour.
=>
=> During the eclipse, the world will end and life as we know it will be
=> entirely wiped out, everything will crumble into dust, and matter itself
=> will lose its cohesiveness for about 1/23 of a second.
>
=> In the next 1/23 of a second, a new world will be created that is almost
=> *exactly* like the one we are in now; the difference will be so subtle
=> that only the wisest, maddest, or most hyperactive of humans will be able
=> to perceive them.
=>
=> And *you* thought it was just gonna be Tuesday! :=}
[I thought I noticed something different... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 May 1994 12:21:19 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: We are NOT talking George Lucas...
To: Yucks
>From: megatest!bldg2fs1!sfisher@uu2.psi.com (Scott Fisher)
Six or seven years ago, I worked with a fellow with the very British
name of Ken Appleby. He had a Spitfire, I had my '74 B, and we used
to motor out to Pickwick's Pub and throw darts after work on occasion.
Ken used to work for Lucas in the UK, specifically for a division
of Lucas that did military electronics. My favorite of his stories
was about the time he had been working on a computer-controlled
torpedo. It used magnetic core memory to store the programs, which
had the advantage of being very non-volatile as well as not susceptible
to EMP discharge.
So Ken got to ride on the boat for the first test of the torpedo that
used the computer with his program in it. Somewhere out in the North
Sea, on an R. N. cutter, Ken and his crew launched the first ever run
of this new weapon, and Ken learned a new respect for debugging...
The program was supposed to make the torpedo shoot off the boat, dive
to a depth at which it couldn't be easily detected, then circle
toward the target, climb to striking depth, and hit the target. There
were on-board sensors to detect sea level, and the torpedo was supposed
to travel at a preset distance below sea level, with constant feedback
keeping it on track.
Somehow, somewhere, Ken had multiplied one of the 3D coordinates by
a negative number, and this error soon propagated through the
transformation matrix (the mathematical construct that models 3D
space), with predictable results.
Within instants of hitting the water, the torpedo -- instead of
sinking out of visible range -- blasted up and out from the water in
a great silver fountain, then continued skipping across the surface of
the blue like some sort of deranged wingless flying fish. Worse yet,
instead of circling toward the target, it circled all right, but began
to return to the ship that launched it. Fortunately it was not armed,
but they still detonated the self-destruct on it rather than let it
slice through their ship at 50 knots or whatever rate it travelled.
Because of the non-volatile core memory, Ken was able to debug the
program from what the Royal Navy frogmen could recover from it, and
he fixed the problem for Rev 2.0.
But I must admit that the image of the torpedo, splashing happily
above the surface of the water like an aroused porpoise, is one that
returns to me in idle moments such this. What else would a Lucas
torpedo do but try to fly?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 17:48:50 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: what goes around comes around....
To: spaf
I posted to misc.consumers.house....
> Subject: riding vacuum cleaner
>
> anybody know where i can get one? I need to find one for my wife so i
> can get a riding lawnmower for me.
and ed clarke responded...
> Try calling "Troy-Built", they sell that "Chipper-Vac". Don't know if they
> have a riding version .... Please let us know how your wife likes it.
>
> "Junior! Let me show you what happens when Mommy's vacuum sucks up your
> blocks .... See? Instant saw dust!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 May 94 16:55:30 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Which carrier is Dan Quayle Really Using?
To: spaf
MCI won a skirmish in the long distance wars against AT&T
thanks to poor spelling by many Americans.
To counter MCI's 1-800-COLLECT service, which lets
callers make collect calls without operator assistance, AT&T
introduced earlier this year an identical service under the name
1-800-OPERATOR.
AT&T probably did not anticipate the sloppy spelling of
customers, many of whom dialed 1-800-OPERATER -- an MCI number.
According to an MCI engineer, MCI got about $500,000 in
mistaken calls in the first month of AT&T's program. AT&T now
markets the service by asking customers to call 1-800-CALL-ATT.
-- Network World, May 9
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 May 94 12:20:01 EDT
From: Bradford.Wetmore@ebay.sun.com (Brad R. Wetmore)
Subject: Winter Jokes.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Ok, this is going to the right queue, but I just heard it yesterday...
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money
because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it
on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local
hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of
the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going
to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 May 1994 07:15:00 -0400
From: (null)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #13 (shorts)
To: spaf
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:31:04 CDT
> From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
> Subject: This page intentionally left blank (original)
> To: SPAF
>
> problem. If this page were really blank, you wouldn't be reading
> anything. This page has not been left blank by accident, but is
> left non-blank on purpose. The statement on the page should say
>
> "This page was intentionally left non-blank.")
I'm still waiting for a Douglas Hofstadter book with
``This page intentionally left blank except for one phrase followed by its
quotation "This page intentionally left blank except for one phrase followed
by its quotation"''
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End of Yucks Digest
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