Yucks Digest V4 #15 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 9 Jun 94 Volume 4 : Issue 15
"Write-thinking" course descriptions
A vivid image
Can you sue for lack of taste?
Deconstruction in Antartica
everybody's a critic nowadays
from my brother
FW: Facial Hair -- for Yucks
Grace Hopper and her nanosecond long wire
Hacker Dating Tips
Imminent Death of the Net Predicted
McDonald in Hong Kong
My news feed
Parity check error-What is it? HELP PLEASE!
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
seen on alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Two great names that go great together
Who says you can't take it with you?
Word Problems (fwd)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "email@example.com" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: Mon, 23 May 1994 11:31:32 CDT
From: Michael Cook <email@example.com>
Subject: "Write-thinking" course descriptions
>From an actual training course catalog:
UNIX Fundamentals - Description:
This course is intended for first time, and newer,
users of UNIX based operating systems.
Intermediate Interleaf - Description:
This course will cover more Interleaf features than
the Interleaf Introduction course.
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 19:30:08 EDT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Walt Crittenden)
Subject: A vivid image
As a pharmacist, the general public expects us to be rather professional.
Thus is is easy (and fun!) to catch people off guard by having a sense of
The following exchange took place between me and one of my patients:
Me: "Take this medication on an empty stomach."
Patient: "Does it say that on the label?"
Me: "Yes, on the sticker, next to the drawing of a stomach."
Patient: "Ewww, gross!"
Me: "You should see what we put on the suppositories. Next!"
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 1994 12:21:00 -0700
From: Matt Bishop <email@example.com>
Subject: Can you sue for lack of taste?
To: Chief Yuckster <spaf>
This is from the SF Chronicle (aka the Comical), p. E8,
May 24, 1994.
Seems there's a firm called the Lawyers Travel Service
that is a travel agency specializing in travel arrangements
for lawyers. They just ran their first advertisement in
that bastion of the establishment, the Wall Street Journal.
It pictured Abraham Lincoln, and next to his picture
ran the headline: "Never underestimate the consequences
of a bad seat assignment."
The publicity they got was as favorable as that for the
gentleman who asked, "But, aside from everything else,
what did you think of the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 19:37:24 -0400
From: Michael Travers <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Deconstruction in Antartica
>From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985
"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work"
... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering
at the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times.
People in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and
pornographic films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own
production and adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so
strange that relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand
[We obviously need to get at least an e-mail link in there. They'd
fit right in with some of the usual net denizens. --spaf]
Date: Mon, 23 May 1994 10:38:05 -0400
From: "Daniel V. Klein" <email@example.com>
To: firstname.lastname@example.org and thence to spaf
Subject: ... if there was a rain date for eclipse-watching activities.
>From Dallas Morning News, May 15, 1994, Weathervane column:
Workers at The Science Place in Fair Park were perplexed by several
inquiries in the days before Tuesday's solar eclipse. Some callers
found the timing inconvenient and wanted to know why the museum hadn't
scheduled the event for a weekend so more people could attend. Others
wondered if there was a rain date for eclipse-watching activities.
Texas' next major solar eclipse should be more accomodating - May 20,
2012, comes on a Sunday.
[Dolts. It wasn't scheduled by "The Science Place" -- it was scheduled
by NASA. --spaf]
Date: Thu, 9 Jun 94 08:02:11 MDT
From: email@example.com (Charlie Shub)
Subject: everybody's a critic nowadays
Pertaining to a long lost topic, Howard_Moneta@lamg.com ward Moneta) wrote.....
and was criticized by firstname.lastname@example.org...
=> I think you've got a few too many H's, and not quite enough R's.
=> Other than that, it seems a fairly literate response...
Date: Sat, 4 Jun 94 21:02:37 MDT
From: email@example.com (Charlie Shub)
Subject: from my brother
What did lee harvey oswald say to jack ruby?
Over the grassy knoll
Under the underpass
Across the freeway
Over the bridge
Past the first 3 cars in the motorcade and
Nothing but Neck
(with apologies to michael jordan and larry bird)
[Charlie is getting close to having too much spare time on his
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 02:09:17 EDT
Subject: Funny stuff
Hear about the new Barbie divorcee doll?
She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
You know you're in Beverly Hills when...
* your children's governess teaches them to play "Hide and Go Shop."
* a surgeon will never give you a local anesthetic--only imported.
Misers are no fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.
Date: Mon, 23 May 94 10:03:00 EST
Subject: FW: Facial Hair -- for Yucks
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
Seen on Tri-State Online (tso.uc.edu)
> Okay, here's a question for the women (or, of course, certain men)...
> Do you find beards and other types of facial hair attractive?
OK on men, don't like on women.
[I dunno, I like my getting beard on certain women... --spaf]
Date: 23 May 94 23:27:27 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael J Kress)
Subject: Grace Hopper and her nanosecond long wire
In article <GNB.94Apr26120013@baby.bby.com.au>, email@example.com (Gregory Bond) writes:
|> Nope. The speed of light is only 299792458 m/s in vacuo. In a
|> medium, such as copper, it will be less; about 10% less in copper,
|> hence 10.8 inches.
I would think that the speed of light in a medium such as copper would be
0 m/s since copper is opaque to light. ;*)
Of course, open flames emit light and flames do travel across copper wiring....
Date: Mon, 23 May 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Don Gratton)
Subject: Hacker Dating Tips
THE TOP TEN WAYS A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE
10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your
color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the
secret messages about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix
4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a
French-speaking voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission,
particularly if the system is on her lap.
AND THE #1 WAY A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE:
1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates
do in a situation like this?
Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 23:27:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: email@example.com (Rob Knauerhase)
Subject: Imminent Death of the Net Predicted
Taken from the "Infosys" electronic newsletter, forwarded to me by a friend:
>BARBARIANS AT THE CYBERGATE: The New York Times reports hostility
>and aggression are spreading in cyberspace, and network experts are
>worried about the future of the electronic community. A rash of
>newcomers in the last year or two has undermined the tradition of
>rational self-government and the democratic exchange of ideas.
>Commenting on the recent incident where two lawyers advertised their
>services to Usenet groups and were subsequently vilified, a
>University of California at San Diego professor observes, "If such
>events become routine -- and there's very little technical or legal
>reason why they won't -- then the whole net will basically collapse
>through flame-wars, the closing of e-mail discussion groups to
>outsiders and whatever." (Tampa Tribune 5/15/94 B2)
(It's the 'whatever' that really has me worried...)
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 1994 11:32:42 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: job opportunity
[This followed a mild flame-fest about people who send "unsubscribe"
messages to a mailing list. --P]
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 94 05:23:12 EDT
Subject: job opportunity at YCRL
Yoyodyne Cambridge Research Laboratories is seeking an
experienced Lisp programmer to work on a long-term research
project involving applied computational linguistics. Details
of the project are classified, but its general aim is to
develop a system capable of reducing an adversary's productivity
by inciting flamewars on its computer networks. Trials of a
prototype conducted on the lisp-jobs mailing list have yielded
The ideal candidate will have at least a BS in Computer Science
(MS preferred). Proficiency in InterLisp is desirable, but not
required. Applicants should have at least 3-5 years experience
wasting their own and others' time. Hands-on experience with
time-sinks like adventure games and netnews would be helpful.
Poor social skills are a must.
Yoyodyne Cambridge Research Laboratories provides a stimulating,
collegial atmosphere that encourages endless debates on minor
topics. Employees are encouraged to share preliminary results
in informal seminars. Recent topics have included "Why everyone
should use FIRST and REST instead of CAR and CDR," "LOOP: the
best idea since DWIM," and "You're both idiots." Salary and
benefits at Yoyodyne are extremely competitive. Technical
facilities include a VAX 11/750 running DEC Common Lisp, and 16
early LMI Lisp Machines, of which at least 3 are up at any time.
Applicants should respond by posting on the lisp-jobs mailing
From: email@example.com (Pip Jizmunkul)
Subject: McDonald in Hong Kong
I'm sorry. Fishburger-type sanwich? It hasnt not the spaciul sauc.
This is what I belief. I acquire fish burger and peek: under top bun is
sauc? No! Under fish cake itself maybee? No! In separate parcel to be
compressed out onto fish cake? No! Again: spacuil sauc ONLY on
meatburguer-type sanwich!! Not france potatoes not McMiffle product! Not
fish sanwich too. What is spacil sauc?
Dept. Of English
[Brian Kantor sent this along, entitled "Without Comment."
What he said. --spaf]
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 10:43:34 +0800 (SST)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Thomas Reid)
Subject: Musical Yucks
Musical Condom Rings When It Breaks
>From May 31, 1994 Singapore Straits Times
An Italian physics student is ringing the changes with a condom that
plays classical music if it splits during sex.
"When a condom breaks, you need to be warned urgently so that it can be
changed in time. Mine will do it with a quick burst of Beethoven,"
amateur inventor Lino Missio, 26, said on Friday.
"I've got a prototype and it works just fine."
Mr Missio, who studies in Genoa, said his musical condom, which he
patented this week, was coated with a special compound whose ability to
conduct electricity changed when the condom splits.
A minute, flexible microchip at the base of the condom measures any
changes in the condom's electrical properties and sounds the alarm.
"It needn't just play music. You could get it to give a verbal
warning." Mr Mission said.
He said he was looking for a company to help him develop and market his
[The mind boggles with images. I wonder if he needs a tester? Maybe it
could have a "smart" chip which would grade and announce the results
after a session -- "Boy, a 3, you sure f**ked up this time". If the
couple is using both his and hers condoms, could the chips network
together? If so, what would they talk about? Could the chips have
neural nets which could interactively improve performance? ... Tom]
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 94 10:32:08 CDT
From: email@example.com (Ron Harvey)
No, *I* claim that I have the title of the ultimate C&W song, and would
be rich if only I could come up with the rest, which I may do someday:
"Don`t Walk With Your Hard Shoes (on the Gym Floor of My Heart)"
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 14:30:47 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Zac Corbiere)
Subject: My news feed
My news feed seems not to be working too well, so I'm not sure this will
even make it outside IBM. However, I am definitely not receiving any new
articles and haven't been for about 2 1/2 days. With this in mind, would
everyone please stop posting to Usenet until this is fixed? I don't want
to miss anything. Also, please be so kind as to prepare archives of
anything you have posted in the last 2 1/2 days. I will notify you when
my news feed is fixed and, at that time, you can repost your articles.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 22:36:08 GMT
From: email@example.com (Fred Ecks)
Subject: Parity check error-What is it? HELP PLEASE!
In article <kozu0003.769894089@gold> firstname.lastname@example.org (John T Kozubik) writes:
>Why is this happening? How can I prevent it? what should I do when it
This has been happening to quite a few computers over the last week or
so. The partial solar eclipse affected the earth's magnetic field, thus
realigning some cells in the cheaper memory chips.
If you turn your computer so it faces North, that should fix it.
[How do I tell if it is facing North? Is that the side with the moss? --spaf]
Date: Tue, 31 May 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: email@example.com (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
"My brother's got this 65-mile-an-hour bass fishing boat. Now, I don't think
bass can go 65 miles an hour... Maybe he catches them and takes them skiing
-- Blake Clark
Submitted by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Charlie Shub)
Date: Wed, 8 Jun 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: email@example.com (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
Today's quote is from the Winnipeg Free Press.
DATELINE MOSCOW: A tiger, angered by a tipsy zoo
visitor, bit off the man's arm and then kept wardens
from retrieving the severed limb.
The 41-year-old man, strolling in the
zoo of Russian's Baltic city of Kalinigrad on Monday
night, wanted to impress his female companion by
putting his arm inside the tiger's cage.
Quote for the Day discussion groups may wish to
use the suggested topic: Do women sufficiently
appreciate what men go through?
Submitted by: thorntn@CC.UManitoba.CA
[Maybe the man simply wanted to appear disarming? --spaf]
Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
At Easter the Lukewarm War ended. Quietly. On the first day of
Passover the Tepid War ended. Quietly. On Veteran's Day the Faintly
Scented War ended. Quietly. On Canadian Boxing Day the Perfectly
Intolerable War ended. Quietly. And without anyone so much as
raising a gardyloo or huzzah, the Cold War ended sometime between
Labor Day and Halloween. Not even quietly; just gone without a trace
or a tremor.
And Europe was then able to get back to the important business in
which it had been engaged for hundreds of centuries:
Chewing off its own leg.
"Europe" by Harlan Ellison from _Mind Fields_
Submitted by: TJIC@ICD.Teradyne.COM
[They could save time by taking it to the Moscow zoo. --spaf]
Date: Tue, 31 May 94 13:22:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Gray Watson <email@example.com>
I was discussing with my friend Raju, the future legalization of
RU486, the "abortion pill" which may be [finally] legalized in the
near future. In the middle of the talk he suddenly said:
Raju: Wait a minute. RU486?
Raju: Hmm. IM469.
Date: Mon, 23 May 1994 15:52:56 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: seen on alt.humor.best-of-usenet
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: sweeney@CS.ColoState.EDU (david sweeney)
Subject: Re: Fake UFO shens wanted!
Frank Reid <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
>email@example.com (M.P. Leeuwangh) writes:
>>Hell! Why not just get two weather balloons and make youself a "real" UFO
>>that will take *you* up? (Assuming you weigh less than 274 pounds.)
>It's been done! Some guy in California tied about a dozen weather balloons
>to an aluminum lawn chair, climbed in and took off! He had a BB gun for
>lift control. Airline pilots spotted him, and FAA busted him for numerous
>violations. It made national news, and numerous sympathizers helped pay his
Let's have a moment of reverent silence for Larry Walters, the truck
driver from Los Angeles who tied 45 (count 'em, 45) weather balloons to
his aluminum lawn chair and floated up 11,000 feet above his back yard.
Mind you, he wasn't unprepared. He had a parachute, a CB radio, a six-pack,
a few peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and a BB gun to shoot a couple of
balloons when he decided it was time to return to earth.
Of course, he didn't set up his flight plan very well -- he floated right
through the approach corridor to Los Angeles International Airport, one
of the busiest pieces of airspace in the world. Kinda like riding your
tricycle across the freeway...
His comments to the press after landing were priceless. When he was asked
why he did it, he responded, "You can't just sit there." Was he glad that
he did it? "Oh, yes." Would he do it again? "Nope."
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 18:34:38 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Silly Putty
To: email@example.com (Henry III), spaf (Yucks List)
Steve Rogers (firstname.lastname@example.org) responds to a qustion on removing Silly
Putty (tm) from a blanket.
Silly putty is an extraterrestrial weapon. All pieces of silly putty are
pieces of the meteorite that fell in Siberia in 1908. This "metorite"
is actually a bit of debris from an alien space battle. Silly humans
think silly putty is amusing, but more advanced aliens recognize it for
the dangerous substance it is. Not only will it lift Garfield's face
right out of the funny paper, it will also lift the finish right off
your dining room table, so you can amuse yourself by contorting it into
silly expressions. (Come to think of it, my hand will lift Garfield's
face right out of the funny paper . . .) If left alone, a ball of
silly putty will collect lint and pet fur until it is approximately
the size of New Jersey. This can be very embarassing when you have
guests over. Send the blanket to NASA and have them blast it back
into outer space where it came from. Earthly technology is too
primitive to defend even a blanket from silly putty.
Date: 24 May 1994 02:24:35 -0400
From: email@example.com (Matt Keogh)
Subject: Skinny Dip
млллллм лл млл оллн млллллм млллллм лл лл ллллллм оллн ллллллм
ллмммм ллмллп лл лл лл лл лл ллм млл лл лл лл ллмммлл
пппплл ллпллм лл лл лл лл лл плллп лл лл лл ллпппп
плллллп лл плл оллн лл лл лл лл олн ллллллп оллн лл
*** THIGH CREAM ***
The ORIGINAL thigh cream, as seen on national TV
This is the NEW, SUPER STRENGTH formula
Accept none of the immitation creams
YOU'RE WORTH THE BEST!!!
Now only $29.95 per bottle which INCLUDES shipping, handling and tax
U.S. orders only, please. Rush check or money order to:
U.S. Health Inc.
18524 NW 67th Ave. #311
Miami, Florida 33015
[This bozo spammed this to about 50 newsgroups. I just happened to see
it first in comp.org.acm and found it quite amusing. I was trying to
think what it was about being in the ACM that requireed super strength
My next thought was, what does thigh cream do, exactly? It doesn't seem
to be mentioned here... --spaf]
Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 12:58:32 -0400
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Spicy Latin
To: spaf et. al.
Found on the CLASSICS mailing list:
>From the N.Y. Times, 6/8/94:
TEACHER SUSPENDED OVER SPICY LATIN CLASS
Toledo, Ohio, June 7 (AP)--A junior high school Latin teacher was suspended
without pay for putting too much life into a dead lnaguage.
The Latin words and phrases that Richard Ehret taught in April were
"totally inappropriate", said the school's superintendent, Kenneth Bishop.
The less objectionable phrases included "In dentibus anticis frustum magnum
spinaciae habes" and "Braccae tuae aperiuntur."
The first translates to "You have a big piece piece of spinach on your
front teeth," while the second means "Your fly is open [opening--Ed.]."
Some other phrases were unprintable.
Mr. Ehret returned on Monday from his 10-day suspension. He said that when
he was hired he had been urged to use outside material to make his classes
interesting. The phrases came from the book "Latin for All Occasions" by
Henry Beard, a co-founder of the National Lampoon humor magazine.
"Obviously, you hear worse language than this every day in the halls," Mr.
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 11:55:14 -0400
From: email@example.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Whats more stupid than a person who posts MAKE-MONEY-FAST schemes
to the net ?
Somebody who wants to but can't figure it out:
>From firstname.lastname@example.org Thu May 26 09:45:14 EDT 1994
>Article: 10518 of alt.ascii-art
>From: email@example.com (Kyriakos E Stylianos)
>Subject: Make Money Fast
>Date: 26 May 1994 05:33:12 GMT
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 02:01:23 -0400
From: "Steve Chapin" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Two great names that go great together
>> Xhibition 94
>> Corporate Software Development
>> June 20-24, San Jose Convention Center, California
>> Keynote: Alvin Toffler Plenary: Dr. Timothy Leary
I guess dropping out is one way to avoid future shock.
To quote the conference organizers: "Alvin Toffler and Timothy Leary
complement the focus of Xhibition 94 by providing innovative,
provocative perspectives that help developers and planners creatively
meet the challenges facing them and the industry."
Date: Thu, 26 May 94 11:10:39 CDT
From: email@example.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Who says you can't take it with you?
To: spaf, firstname.lastname@example.org
(AP) IRWIN, PA. -- If there is a highway to heaven, George Swanson
might get to the Pearly Gates in style. He was buried in his white
Swanson's ashes were placed in the driver's seat -- two driving caps
in the back, red roses on the hood and only 27,000 miles on the
odometer -- and the 10-year-old car was lowered into his grave as 50
mourners looked on.
Swanson died two months ago. Cemetery officials initially balked at
his request to be buried in the car in th 12 plots he had purchased.
"You have a lot of people saying they want to take it with them. He
took it with him," said his widow, Caroline Swanson.
George Swanson, a beer distributor who died March 31 at age 71, bought
the plots in Brush Creek Cemetery in Hempfield Township, 25 miles east
of Pittsburgh, to make sure he and his beloved car would fit.
Cemetery officials, worried about vandalism and offending other
clients, relented after weeks of negotiations. The cemetery insisted
the burial be private and that the car be drained of all fluids to
protect the environment.
A crane operator practiced hoisting and lowering the car Tuesday.
Swanson, an Army sergeant during World War II, left this world with
other possessions he held dear: a lap quilt stitched by women at his
church, a love note from his wife and his favorite Engelbert
Humperdinck in the cassette with the song "Release Me" cued up and
ready to play.
Date: Mon, 30 May 94 16:53:23 +0200
From: email@example.com (Stefan Dresler)
Subject: windows 4.0
PRESS RELEASE - ZIFF DAVIS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on
Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible
Windows 4.0. Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we
preface this article by a restatement of our policy concerning
review of non-shipping products. While our policy has always been
that we would review no product that is not actually shipping at
the time of publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE
ONLY. Our policy for this issue is that we will review any product
that someone tells us might possibly be developed at any time in
the future. After his issue, our policy will revert to what it was
prior to this issue until such time that Microsoft begins to again
consider their next edition of software and begins another
high-visibility promotion geared to discourage users from looking
at the competition.
We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our
grueling bench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated
to PC Labs by Microsoft Corporation. Our test bed was the
standard by platform used most PC users--a Cray Supercomputer with
3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card
with 512 Megabytes of SRAM. Our testing was made more difficult
by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of the
procedure. We did have available, however, a screen shot of the
stupendous Windows 4.0 which we put through its paces. Our staff
was speechless over how pretty the screen shot was. We also had
the benefit of the assistance of 12 Microsoft employees who
provided invaluable input, and also took us to lunch as well as
provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft Office.
The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install. We didn't even
have to open the box! All of our applications were immediately
migrated into the new OS, except the OS/2 applications. They
mysteriously disappeared. We were told that this is a bug in the
way that OS/2 apps are written and that this was IBM's problem.
The screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our
testing platform. Microsoft officials assure us that performance of
the actual code promises to be even better. The only compatibility
problem arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the
screen shot. Microsoft officials advise us that this was also
Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be
needed in the release version. However, they also said that they
would recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage. Microsoft
officials said, and we agree, that all serious PC users will have
32 Megabytes of RAM on their systems by the time Win 4.0 is
released. Windows 4.0 is too sophisticated an OS for those that
refuse to keep up.
We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence
of 32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0. However, the Microsoft
officials soon set us straight. Due to Microsoft still having
the patent pending for the new technology, MS officials couldn't
tell us how it worked, but told us of a new Microsoft compression
technology. It turns out that all of the apparent 16-bit code
present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit bit code that has been
compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16 bits. Microsoft
officials say that this is the wave of the future in 32-bit
In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft
will be releasing three new products. These products are Visual
COBOL,Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language. The
Microsoft representatives gave us a sneak peak of the Visual
Machine Language product. Visual Machine Language will contain the
famous Microsoft App Wizard. At first the App Wizard looked like it
was only generating huge random streams of ones and zeros. However,
one representative assured us that this was not the case and that
MS had used it to write most of the Windows NT code.
In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of
hyperbole that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest
technological breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the
invention of the wheel (neither of which, unfortunately, is
patented by Microsoft..... yet). The God-like Windows 4.0 ranks
right up there with the other accomplishments of Microsoft, such as
the graphical user interface,the mouse, memory management and
on-the-fly disk compression.
It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy
with regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that
any software patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the
There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take
advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0. All major software
developers are expected to begin work on products immediately
after reading this article. Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings
for Win 4.0 should be shipping by the time you read this. If you
cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows 4.0, we suggest you
immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS
6.2. Follow that up with several copies of the award winning
Windows for Workgroups 3.11. If you are still impatient, buy the
long awaited Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from
your local retailer at huge discounts. By that time, if the most
esteemed Windows 4.0 is still not shipping, buy a few more copies
of Windows NT.
While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in
Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our
prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft
Windows 4.0. And even though it is only April, we have also given
it our ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL
categories for the years 1994 through 1999. We expect an even
better version of Windows in the year 2000. So, what are you
waiting for? *Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and all
alphanumeric characters in this article are registered trademarks
of Microsoft Corporation.
* KWQ/2 1.2e * The saddest thing about Windows bashing is it's all true.
Date: Mon, 6 Jun 1994 09:25:24 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Word Problems (fwd)
To: spaf et. al.
Don't even ask. This is from a mailing list I'm on. The discussion
is between a well-known net.kiwi and a well-known net.andy .
>What if Bob built an identical house in Denver 5 years ago. Say you
>bought the Mt. Vernon house. Your old classmate Joe decided to move to
>Denver, and bought the Denver house for the same price as you paid for
>the Mt. Vernon one. He lived in it 5 years and did nothing to it apart
>from routine maintenance, just as you did in Mt. Vernon. Then in 1994
>you got transferred to Denver. Meanwhile Joe, who was getting along in
>years and hadn't saved a *thing* for his retirement, decided to buy 4
>houses in Mt. Vernon and retire there, living off the rent from 3 of
>the houses. Could you afford the Denver house? How much time would
>you need to work for your employer to earn enough to pay the
>difference? If you bought it, did Joe earn the windfall he got from
>you? Who's work made Joe rich and sitting pretty for the rest of his
My head hurts. This reminds me too much of those infernal math
word problems that I hated so much in fourth grade.
"Phil, Howard, and Bono each have $100.00. Phil buys a lifetime
supply of Grecian Formula for Men for $69.95. Howard buys a
duck, also named Howard, for $29.95. Bono buys a red guitar
from K-Mart for $39.95 and Truth for $0.79. Assuming current
rates of inflation and depreciation, how much hair will Phil
have in 1998? What color will it be? Assuming that Howard
the Duck has 8,023 feathers, what will each feather be worth
after the nuclear war? Which of the three protagonists has
a Messiah Complex? In a free market economy, how much would
*you* pay for a Messiah Complex? Please round all fractions
or decimals up or down to the nearest integer."
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 94 11:22:28 CDT
From: email@example.com (Mark Shoemaker)
----- Begin Included Message -----
Yet another clever 800 number:
Forwarded-by: Dan Ehrlich <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Dial 1-800-888-9856, then press 3 followed by another 3.
(And if you've not tried it already, dial
now. Self-concious-marketized-hipness is standing by).
Date: Thu, 26 May 1994 10:35:11 -0600
From: Terry Labach <email@example.com>
Subject: Yucks submission
To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Teacher bounced over test
CHICAGO (Reuter) - A Chicago elementary school teacher was suspended
after he gave his class math problems involving drug dealing,
prostitution and car theft.
Among the test questions was one involving a pimp named Rufus who
needed to know how many $65 "tricks" his three "girls" would have to
perform to support his $800-per-day crack habit, the Chicago Sun-Times
reported this week.
Other questions on the examination given to the 11- to 13-year-old
children last week involved a drug dealer figuring out how much to
dilute his heroin to maximize his profit and an auto thief deciding what
models of cars to steal.
[I've seen the original, passed around thru multiple generations of Xerox.
The guy must have really had a screw loose to give it to the students.
Uh, does he read Yucks, I wonder?
End of Yucks Digest