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Yucks Digest V4 #13 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 17 May 94 Volume 4 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
(fwd) What the f*ck is bandwidth?
.sig of the year
[news.misc,...] Re: To show how we can adapt: (was: green card)
A financial aid ad
anagram maker
Are we having fun yet?
bachman turner overweight
Bill Bashing
Corn Flakes Ate My Brain
cutie (2 msgs)
Dear Yuckster
due respect
FUCKEN FOOLS
guns for sale
Hey stupid!
Hooked On...
I could benefit from this
I didn't know I could do that!
Instructions that are a breeze
Jeopardy
Missing Brains (was: Nature Red in Tooth & Claw)
muuuuusic (2 msgs)
oblawyers
pithy sayings
Police Car Found Atop MIT Site
reach out and grep someone
silly arrangements for thesarus
some people have ENTIRELY too much time on their hands
stock system admin answers to user queries
Take Off, Eh?
THE ABSOLUTE WORST LINE IN A FILM!
The evolution of math through the years
This page intentionally left blank (original)
your mail
Yucks submission (2 msgs)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 23 Apr 1994 16:17:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: mcevilly@netcom.com (Carlos McEvilly)
Subject: (fwd) What the f*ck is bandwidth?
To: spaf
In case it wasn't obvious, this is a YUCKS submission.
>From: dyin@mason1.gmu.edu ( ** Cluster One **)
>Newsgroups: news.newusers.questions
>Subject: What the f*ck is bandwidth?
>Date: 20 Apr 1994 00:36:50 GMT
>
>I hear so many people use this term, and yet I have absolutely no clue
>as to what they're talking about....
>
>What is bandwidth?
>
>--
>====================================================================
> /
> \ / / "Where the safest place...
> \\\' , / // ...is behind a trigger."
> \\\//, _/ //,
> \_-//' / //<,
>+ + + \ /// <//`+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
>+ / >> \\\`__/_ George Mason University +
>+ /,)-^>> _\` \\\ ======================= +
>+ (/ \\ //\\ dyin@mason1.gmu.edu +
>+ // _//\\\\ dyin@gmu.edu +
>+========((`=((====================================================+
Gee, I wonder why he keeps hearing that term?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 May 94 15:54:35 PDT
From: byron@netapp.com (Byron Rakitzis)
Subject: .sig of the year
To: eniac
Jesus is coming and he needs a Green Card to MAKE.MONEY.FAST
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 May 94 18:45:30 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: [news.misc,...] Re: To show how we can adapt: (was: green card)
To: spaf
=> From: bane@cs.umd.edu (John R. Bane)
=> Newsgroups: news.misc,news.groups,alt.culture.internet,alt.culture.usenet
=> Subject: Re: To show how we can adapt: (was: green card)
=>
=> In article <2p9rn2$opp@nic.umass.edu> ckeroack@twain.ucs.umass.edu (Christopher H Keroack) writes:
=> >
=> >CANTORING (can'-tor-ing) v.; to advertise one's wares on Usenet without
=> >the slightest regard for costs, nettiquette or anything else about how
=> >Usenet works.
=>
=> This naturally leads to:
=>
=> CANTOR DIAGONALIZATION; a mathematical proof that there are
=> more possible articles than newsgroups by posting a different article
=> to each newsgroup.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 May 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: mal6315@cs.rit.edu (Matthew A Lecher)
Subject: A financial aid ad
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seen in the "Help Wanted" section of the newspaper:
FINANCIAL AID ADMINISTRATORS: Major college looking for career minded
people with high level of incompetence. Lack of attention to detail and
sense of timing a plus. If you have lost several jobs before because of
misplacing important papers for long periods of time, come work for us!
Have you had to pay large penalties from filling out your tax returns
wrong AND sending them in late, this is the job for YOU!
Call Vince @ 555-5764
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 23:12:20 -0700
From: Dan "Spam" Garcia <ddgarcia@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: anagram maker
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.edu
[This is another reason I love C... --spaf]
/*
* Anagram program
* by Anna Graham
*
* stdin: a dictonary word-list file
* stdout: the anagrams
*
* ex:
* % anagram some words < /usr/dict/words > anag-output
*
*/
#include <stdio.h>
long a
[4],b[
4],c[4]
,d[0400],e=1;
typedef struct f{long g
,h,i[4] ,j;struct f*k;}f;f g,*
l[4096 ]; char h[256],*m,k=3;
long n (o, p,q)long*o,*p,*q;{
long r =4,s,i=0;for(;r--;s=i^
*o^*p, i=i&*p|(i|*p)&~*o++,*q
++=s,p ++);return i;}t(i,p)long*p
;{*c=d [i],n(a,c,b),n(p,b,p);}u(j)f*j;{j->h
=(j->g =j->i[0]|j->i[1]|j->i[2]|j->i[3])&4095;}v(
j,s)f* j; {int i; for(j->k->k&&v(j->k, ' '),fseek(
stdin, j->j, 0);i=getchar(),putchar(i-'\n'?i:s),i-
'\n';);}w(o,r,j,x,p)f*o,*j;long p;{f q;int
s,i=o->h;q.k=o;r>i?j=l[r=i]:r<i&&
(s=r&~i)?(s|=s>>1, s|=s
>>2,s|=s>>4,s
|=s>>8
,j=l[r
=((r&i
|s)&~(s>>1))-1&i]):0;--x;for
(;x&&!(p&i);p>>=1);for(;!x&&j;n(o->i,j->i,q.
i),u(&q),q.g||(q.j=j->j,v(&q,'\n')),j=j->k);for(;x;j=x
?j->k:0){for(;!j&&((r=(r&i)-1&i)-i&&(r&p)?2:(x=0));j=l[r]);!
x||(j->g&~o->g)||n (o->i,j->i,q.i)||(
u(&q), q.j=j ->j,q.g?w(&q
,r,j->k,x ,p):v(&q,
'\n')); }}y(){f
j;char *z,*p;
for(;m ? j.j=
ftell( stdin)
,7,(m= gets(m ))||w(
&g,315 *13,l[ 4095]
,k,64* 64)&0: 0;n(g
.i,j.i, b)||(u (&j),j.
k=l[j.h],l[j.h]= &j,y())){for(z= p=h;*z&&(
d[*z++]||(p=0)););for(z=p?n(j.i ,j.i,j.i)+h:"";
*z;t(*z++,j.i));}}main(o,p)char** p; {for(;m = *++p;)for(;*m-
'-'?*m:(k= -atoi(m))&0;d[*m]||(d[*m ]=e,e<<=1),t(*m++,g.i)); u(&
g),m=h
,y();}
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 May 1994 07:49:07 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: Are we having fun yet?
To: SPAF
Spencer's General Theory of Optimism:
"Working at <company X> is fun."
Hepworth's First Corollary:
"All work at <company X> is fun;
It's only a matter of Sign and Magnitude!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 16:35:57 GMT
From: Mark Smith <msmith@discreet.demon.co.uk>
Subject: bachman turner overweight
To: eniac
Seen on the News From Canada mailing list:
Today in Vancouver, 1322 guitarists spent over 66 minutes playing
Bachman-Turner Overdrive's song "Taking Care of Business" over
and over again to set a world record. The song is 3rd on the
usual list of songs not to be played in guitar shops. Randy
Bachman led the crowd.
I assume that number one is Stairway To Heaven. But what's number two?
Smoke on the Water perhaps?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 16:36:53 -0400
From: richard@panchax.gryphon.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Subject: Bill Bashing
To: eniac
>United Press International newswire (94.05.11 @ 01:46 EDST) reports on an
>interview with Business Software Alliance President Robert Holleyman during
>his visit to Microsoft offices in Redmond, WA.
>
><<begin summary>>
>
>Writer STUART GLASCOCK's key points:
>
>o MS would be 4 times larger were it not for counterfeit software.
MS would be 5 times larger were it not for intel processors
MS would be 6 times larger were it not in a cold and soggy climate
MS would be 7 times bigger were it not for BASIC
MS would be 8 times bigger were it not for IBM
MS would be 9 times bigger were it not for Windows
MS would be 10 times bigger if Bill could SEE THROUGH THE GREASE ON HIS
FUCKING GLASSES!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 12:09:37 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Corn Flakes Ate My Brain
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
|Date: 5 Apr 1994 13:55:17 -0700
|From: name lost in formatting
|Subject: The Cereal Abuse/Drug Abuse connection
|Newsgroups: alt.cereal
|
|Hi everyone!
|I have been reading this group recently and haven't seen anyone comment
|on the disturbing aspects of certain children's cereal commercials. The
|two series of commercials that I find most disturbing are the CooKoo for
|CocoPuffs ads and the Trix are for Kids ads. Both these ads feature
|"birds" that are addicted to cereal which either causes them to
|hallucinate and see many colors<a la LSD> or to freak out and wreak havoc
|on the nearby area<a la PCP>.
Unless the Trix commercials have changed
recently, I have to wonder what sort of
cereal our erstwhile watchdog is consuming
to be unable to distinguish between a
"rabbit" and a "bird".
Probably smoking Crack Cheerios...
Besides, too much sugar does that sort
of thing to most of the people I know,
not just kids.
"OK, if someone will get the Marketing
VP's head out of the guacamole dip,
we'll proceed with our annual meeting.
And keep him away from the chocolate
for a while."
------------------------------
Date: 25 Apr 94 04:31:35 EDT (Mon)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
The following was a "for-real" posting to the local Atlanta
"positions wanted" newsgroup.
I WOULD LIKE A NEW JOBS ANYWHERE IN ATLANTA. I HAVE 12 YEARS OF
SECREARIAL EXPERIENCE WITH SOME ACCOUNTING AND A LOT OF COMPUTER
SKILLS. CALL ME.
You can see that this person still has not found the "lower-case
shift" key on the typewriter, even after 12 years of experience.
Proof-reading skills are also questionable.
But the clincher: there was no telephone number included in the posting!
------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 94 04:31:37 EDT (Thu)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: thompson@melita.com (Ken Thompson)
SUBTITLES
After the Joust (Fitzgerald): Tender is the Knight
Victory Garden (Tolstoy): War and Peas
Stable Row (Lewis): Mane Street
The Hopeful Scholar (Dickens): Grade Expectations
Group Dieting (Butler): Weigh of All Flesh
Checking Out the Booze (Salinger): Cashier In The Rye
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 May 94 18:43:11 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Dear Yuckster
To: spaf
Anonymous <an93162@anon.penet.fi> writes on alt.sex:
=> how can i get my girl friend to have anal sex with me?
Ed Falk <falk@peregrine.Eng.Sun.COM> leaps into the breach
(as it were) and gives the answer
=> Well, first you'll need to buy her a nice strap-on dildo...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 94 16:14:49 EDT
From: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com>
Subject: due respect
To: silent-tristero
From: tom
Subject: respectful observance
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:53:40 -0400
In todays Washington Post
A fax from the ACLU
In respectful observance
of the
National Day of Mourning
on the occasion of the death of
former President
Richard M. Nixon
the
{ACLU}
will be closed
on Wednesday, April 27, 1994
for eighteen and one-half minutes
------------------------------
Date: 11 May 1994 16:47:12 GMT
From: forsling@iastate.edu (Donald D Forsling)
Subject: FUCKEN FOOLS
Newsgroups: rec.railroad
In article <2qppgu$kiv@search01.news.aol.comfornoone@aol.com (For No One) writes:
>This is in regard to the stupid freight hopping issue. If people want to do
>it, let them. All you stupid Do-gooders should go to the AARP board where you
>belong!!!!!
>
>FREIGHT HOPPING ID FUN
But typing is difficult.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 23 Apr 1994 17:55:51 -0400
From: (null)
Subject: guns for sale
To: spaf
>From: Kusu Lee <kl3b+@andrew.cmu.edu>
> I have quite a few guns for sale:
> 1 9mm baretta a steal at $50
> 2 ak47 assault rifles $75 each
> 5 custom made grenade launchers $50
... other interesting toys deleted ...
Seeing this reminded me of David Koresh, which reminded me of a
head line I saw a few weeks ago while I was in Manassas, VA.
"Waco Fugitive Found in Manassas"
I didn't read the article - that would have only ruined some of the
bizarre thoughts that ran through my mind. Like the following:
David Koresh survived the fire and thought for his next challenge he would
try to satisfy Lorena Bobbit.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 May 94 20:02:26 -0400 (EDT)
From: Gray Watson <gray@antaire.com>
Subject: Hey stupid!
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Here's some polite ways to describe someone who may be lacking some...
ahh... cranial capacity so to speak.
There are some male pronouns here which I decided to not adjust so my
apologies and all sexism-flames to /dev/null. :-)
enjoy,
gray
---
A couple cards short of a deck.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A quart low.
A room temperature IQ.
About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
All booster -- no payload.
All crown -- no filling.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bats in the belfry.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- Mark Twain
Has it floored in neutral.
Has the IQ of a salad bar.
He's in, but he's out to lunch.
Head whistles in a cross wind.
If he had another brain, it would be lonesome.
Lights not burning too bright.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
One side short of a pentagon.
Only has one oar in the water.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Receiver is off the hook.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Rowing with one oar.
Running on empty.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
The mental agility of a soap dish.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Vacancy on the top floor.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 02:45:08 GMT
From: ez040203@othello.ucdavis.edu (Zog Archer)
Subject: Hooked On...
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.phonics
Now there's a fun new way to learn foreign languages. It's called,
"Hooked On Demonics". In just 30 days, your kids will be able to speak
and understand up to six-hundred, sixty-six ancient druidic scriptures...
Simulated Mom: "Timmy, how are you doing with that new Reading program,
'Hooked On Demonics'?"
Simulated Timmy: "ThErE Is nO TiMmY -- ThErE Is OnLy zUuL!!!"
Sorry, just HAD to do it...
Can't wait for all the on-line Druids to flame me
-- ZOG @ zog@armory.com >gooD boyS gO tO heaveN<
-=>&@# zkarcher@ucdavis.edu >baD boyS gO everywherE<
[Just dial 1-800-666-HELL for information. Over 1,000,000 "soul-ed"
worldwide.]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 12:58:18 -0700
From: armand@wickham.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: I could benefit from this
To: spaf
>
>********************************************************
>WEIRDNUZ.323 (News of the Weird, April 15, 1994)
>by Chuck Shepherd
>
>
>* In order to transport a 65-foot spruce Christmas tree
>from the San Bernardino National Forest in California
>to the grounds of the U. S. Capitol in November,
>workers had to saw off dozens of limbs so the tree
>would fit into a truck for the journey. The limbs were
>numbered and then reattached to the tree once it was
>planted on the Capitol grounds. [Minneapolis Star-
>Tribune, Nov93]
>
Don't you wish they could do that to people too? Air travel
would be so much more pleasant, especially when you end up
between the sumo wrestling twins from Buffalo on a 5 hour
long flight.
[Considering how most airlines confuse luggage, I don't think
this would be a good idea. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: dodson@wagner.convex.com (Dave Dodson)
Subject: I didn't know I could do that!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the Dallas Morning News:
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant
is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising
from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is
found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in
bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I
could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 02 May 94 02:31:38 EDT
From: normanc523@aol.com
Subject: Instructions that are a breeze
To: spaf
>From the "Emergency Procedures Guidelines" publication at Chaffey College in
Rancho Cucamonga, California:
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE FOR WIND
Identification of Wind
1. Perception of strong winds.
2. Horizontal movement of large objects, large quantities of sand,
or non-walking persons.
3. Inability of small persons to remain erect.
4. Breaking of windows or doors.
[Do the directions also contain a section on "Pissing, wrong direction?"
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 24 Apr 1994 20:12:47 -0400
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: Jeopardy
To: spaf
The major prize given away to the two runners-up on the Jeopardy game
show this week: Hooked On Phonics.
------------------------------
Date: 25 Apr 94 21:45:13 -0400
From: keithk@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu
Subject: Missing Brains (was: Nature Red in Tooth & Claw)
Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.folklore.urban
In article <2pbn50$sot@mercury.hgmp.mrc.ac.uk>, mdiffin@crc.ac.uk (Dr. M.C. Diffin) writes:
> Gould, SJ(1984). The Mismeasure of Man. Harmondsworth, Penguin.
> his conclusion is that size is not important...
Thank god! Thank go.... I mean ... oh, how very interesting.
Kevin "no personal reason, why do you ask?" T. Keith
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 02 May 1994 15:02:02 -0700
From: "Mike O'Brien" <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: muuuuusic
I have claimed for some time that I have the title of the
ultimate C&W song, and would be rich if only I could come up with
the rest. The fact that I can't stand the stuff probably has something
to do with that, which is why I'll probably have to get rich some
other way, but anyway,
"You Stuck My Heart In a Ole Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 May 94 08:14:06 EDT
From: weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu (Matthew P Wiener)
Subject: muuuuusic
To: eniac
> I have claimed for some time that I have the title of the
>ultimate C&W song, and would be rich if only I could come up with
>the rest. The fact that I can't stand the stuff probably has something
>to do with that, which is why I'll probably have to get rich some
>other way, but anyway,
>"You Stuck My Heart In a Ole Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log"
The last two lines of the following are a title mentioned by Joe Bob
Briggs in one of his reviews. I added the first two, and started
singing it to anyone who would listen. And to those who would not.
It was most effective when I needed an extra trick at the Berkeley
Math Department tea's on-going bridge rubbers.
My love for you was suuuuurgin'
And now it's shot to pieces.
You said you were a virgin,
But your baby ain't named Jesus.
A few ooowooowooo's inserted at random keys and you have it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 06:11:22 -0400
From: bhahn@world.std.com (William D Hahn)
Subject: oblawyers
To: eniac
richard writes:
>ObLawyerJoke: Jim Mercer here who runs the computers at the Law Society
>of Upper Canada (kinda like your state bar) tell of the time 4 years
>ago when they caught an entire class cheating. They had bought the
>answers to the test. The test? "Ethics for lawyers". True Story.
Let me guess, a typical question would be:
An elderly woman on a fixed income comes to your
office with a minor question about her will. You agree
to answer her question for a fee of $10. She reluctantly
asks her question, you supply the answer, and then she,
with trembling hands, opens her purse and produces the money
and hands it to you. As she is struggling to get out of
your office using her walker, you notice that she mistakenly
gave you a $100 bill instead of a tenner.
Question: Do you tell your partner about the extra $90?
-Bill H.
"Remember how your brother used to rub salami on wax
paper and then feed just the wax paper to the dog? I
should have guessed then that he would become a lawyer."
-- My mother
Disclaimer: I have nothing but deep respect and admiration for
everyone in the legal profession, or for that matter
for anyone else who can sue me.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 94 16:18:31 MDT
From: woods@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Greg Woods)
Subject: pithy sayings
To: yucks
> Hanlon's razor:
> Never attribute to malice that which can be
> adequately explained by stupidity.
At one point we had a poster on the door to the computer room that had
a bunch of these "named" sayings (printed in black courier font on
green and white striped computer-paper-like background, of course).
My favorite one was
Bradley's Bromide:
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the
first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
[Paul Dickson has collected hundreds (maybe thousands) of these together
into a series of amusing and enlightening books named "The Official Rules"
(and variants thereof). Spaf says "buy a set." :-) ]
------------------------------
Date: 10 May 1994 21:30:35 GMT
From: thomasc@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Thomas Wallace Colthurst)
Subject: Police Car Found Atop MIT Site
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,mit.bboard
From Monday's Clarinet feed:
|> Subject: Police Chief's Car Stolen
|> Copyright: 1994 by Reuters, R
|> Date: Mon, 9 May 94 5:20:15 PDT
|>
|> BERLIN (Reuter) - An official car used by Berlin's police
|> chief was stolen in broad daylight on a busy avenue in the city
|> despite its high-tech alarm.
|> Police said Monday that the unmarked blue Mercedes was taken
|> Saturday after police chief Hagen Saberschinsky's driver parked
|> and locked it, then went shopping.
and then
|> Subject: Police Car Found Atop MIT Site
|> Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press, R
|> Date: Mon, 9 May 94 13:40:11 PDT
|>
|> CAMBRIDGE, Mass (AP) -- They've put a fiberglass cow up there,
|>and a working telephone booth. Even built a small house.
|> So no one was shocked Monday when MIT students somehow managed
|>to put what appeared to be a campus police car atop the 150-foot
|>high dome on the university's main building.
|> After all, MIT kids will be MIT kids.
|> ``They never cause anyone any trouble, but they are
|>mischievous,'' said Ronald I. Mendes, a physical plant supervisor.
|> The car appeared about 4 a.m. on the roof of the Richard C.
|>Maclaurin Building. It was actually the shell of a car, attached to
|>a wooden frame and painted to look like a cruiser, said MIT Police
|>Chief Anne Glavin.
|> There was a flashing red light on top and a parking ticket on
|>the windshield. Inside was a stuffed upper torso of a body -- and a
|>box of donuts.
|> ...
Coincidence? I think not.
-Thomas C
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 May 94 18:35:24 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: reach out and grep someone
To: spaf
daveb@jaws (David Breneman) in Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban and
alt.folklore.computers tells the unwashed what grep is...
=> GREP in an acronym for Governmental Restrictions to Electronic Privacy,
=> which is the caption of one of the ammendments to the bill mentioned
=> above. Basically, is authorizes the FBI and NSA to waive the privacy
=> and search and seizure requirements of the Constitution when searching
=> through electronically-stored data (as opposed the the printed "papers"
=> safeguarded by the constitution). Their reasoning is that whereas it is
=> possible for a person to grow a tree, produce paper from it, and write
=> on that paper without leaving their property, electronic information
=> by its very nature relies on previous research funded by the government
=> (from ENIAC right up to ARPANET), travels over interstate common carrier
=> lines regulated by the government, and therefore the government has a
=> proprietary interest in it, and can search it without warrant, because,
=> in effect, all computer users are making use of a government-established
=> interstate utility. I urge everyone to write their congress(wo)man
=> and urge them to strike the GREP provisions from the bill!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 23 Apr 94 21:29:23 -0400
From: mo@uunet.uu.net (Mike O'Dell)
Subject: silly arrangements for thesarus
To: spaf
reverse sorted, as in a rhyming dictionary - but that's too useful
sort them by average English frequency of the leading digraph, or
even better, trigraph! or compute the geometric mean of the trigraph
moving window down the word and rank by that. that would be waaaaay q00l.
or sort the list by how it would be listed alphabetically when
translated into Finnish or Ukranian, or both! (geometric mean of
rank order)
i could go on......
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 May 94 16:21:33 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: some people have ENTIRELY too much time on their hands
To: spaf
pyoung@srd.bt.co.uk posts on news.admin.misc.....
=> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
=> Subject: Traditional net.punishment... [Canter & Seigel anagrams!] :-)
=>
=> It's time for an old net.tradition...
=>
=> Anagrams...
=>
=> For "Canter and Seigel" I've found.... (punctuation added)
=>
=> * Green deal, sin act.
=> * A sad green client.
=> * Deal, a net cringes.
=> * An edge is central.
=> * I need clear angst.
=> * I can rest a legend.
=>
=> That's only from the first million or so permutations...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 11:28:56 EDT
From: kulawiec@camden.ge.com
Subject: stock system admin answers to user queries
To: bob
1. 80 hours.
2. I have a problem with that.
3. Sounds like a security issue.
4. Not my doing, not my fault, not my problem.
5. I don't remember; I don't recall; I've got no memory of anything at all.
(Apologies to Peter Gabriel for #5)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 May 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: bud@sq.sq.com (Bud Greasley)
Subject: Take Off, Eh?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
harvie@bedford.progress.com (John Harvie) writes: >
>You've probably heard USAir's new slogan "USAir begins with YOU."
I heard this on a USAir flight the other day. I noted that "USAir" also
begins with "US"!
Of course, "Air Canada begins with Eh?".
------------------------------
Date: 26 Apr 94 12:50:36 +0100
From: mcssegcs@dct.ac.uk
Subject: THE ABSOLUTE WORST LINE IN A FILM!
Newsgroups: alt.cult-movies
" Why Cecily my dear, you're looking lovely, as usual. Wait a minute,
you're dead ! You've been dead for thirty years !!! "
- The Ghost Clipper, 1966
As quoted from "Ghastly Beyond Belief", by Neil Gaiman & Kim Newman
[That is definitely one of the worst lines. I'm not sure I could
pick a single worst, however -- there are so many to chose from. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 23:19:13 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: The evolution of math through the years
To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III), spaf (Yucks List)
|From Kelly James Clark at Calvin College in Michigan (clak@calvin.edu).
|
|===================================================================
| HOW TO SPOT OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION
|
|Math Quiz:
|
|In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
|production is four fifths the price. What is his profit?
|
|In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
|His cost of production is 4/5 of the price; in other words $80. What is
|his profit?
|
|In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges set L of lumber for set M of money.
|The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make 100
|dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of costs contains 20
|fewer points than set M. Represent set C as a subset of set M, and answer
|the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
|
|In 1980. A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of
|production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
|number 20.
|
|In 1990 (Outcome -Based Education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
|a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
|Topic for class discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
They forgot to ask:
How do the beautiful forest trees feel about this?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:31:04 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: This page intentionally left blank (original)
To: SPAF
This page intentionally left blank.
(Well, not completely blank, since the above non-empty disclaimer
appears on the page. What is meant is that this page is devoid
of meaningful content related to the rest of the document. This
page serves only as a separator between sections, chapters, or
other divisions of the document. This page is not completely
blank so that you know that nothing was unintentionally left out,
or that the page is not blank because of an error in duplication,
or that the page is not blank because of some other production
problem. If this page were really blank, you wouldn't be reading
anything. This page has not been left blank by accident, but is
left non-blank on purpose. The statement on the page should say
"This page was intentionally left non-blank.")
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Apr 1994 22:35:24 -0500
From: gibbs@interaccess.com (David Gibbs)
Subject: your mail
To: Adam Sah <asah@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
>>>> <something abour RBCs deleted>
>> >None. You've hit my acronym high water mark. :)
>>
>> You've heard about RBC's, haven't you?
>
>nope.
Incorrectly Abbreviated Acronyms.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 May 1994 09:10:01 -0600
From: Terry Labach <terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
Subject: yucks submission
To: spaf
Wheelchair woman flees from court (Kansas City Star)
KANSAS CITY - Municipal Judge James Reed is no healer and never
professed to make the lame walk.
But when he sentenced Eileen Ellis to jail Wednesday, she leaped out of
her wheelchair and shot out of the Kansas City courtroom like a sprinter
off the starting line.
"A miraculous recovery," Judge Reed's bailiff said.
The Kansas City woman had been rolled into court slumped in her
wheelchair.
Court records show that Ms. Ellis, 36, was on court for stealing $90
worth of bed sheets from a department store on Jan. 30, 1991, and for
taking four compact discs from a record store on June 21, 1992.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 10:49:59 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.uml.edu>
Subject: Yucks submission
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
In response to your urgent request for help here...
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 01:26:51 -0400 (EDT)
From: ck0949@csc.albany.edu (KIELY CHRISTIAN E)
Subject: how stupid do they think we are???
To: spaf
upon lookin on the back of my Merriam-Webster Thesaurus i noticed
this little tidbit:
-Its alphabetical arrangement eliminates the need for complicated
indexing, making word-finding fast and easy
is there any other way to possible organize a thesaurus???
[Sure. For instance, alphabetize the letters in the word, then list
those in sorted order. You would find the word alphabetical listed
under aaabcehillpt. Soundex coding might be a way, too. Or by
frequency of use in written or spoken English based on some sample (so
"flame" would be found before "etiquette", rather as on the Usenet).
Anybody got something sillier than these? --spaf]
1. I have noticed that there are two formats for quotation dictionaries,
Alpha by author (US) and Chronological by author (Oxford dict of Quotations)
For the thesaurus, get together with the Oxford (English Dictionary) folks and
arrange the words chronologically by date of first usage
2. Sorted by length as in X-word puzzle dictionaries
3. Grouped by categories, e.g. all "nice" words. sample categories:
Nice
Nasty
Egregious
Words used mostly on Tuesdays
Words that describe green things (with subcategories for rotting stuff,
growing stuff, and Money
Funny words (like "futhark")
Words that appear only in Nero Wolfe and/or Edith Wharton novels.
... I guess that about covers it, doesn't it
Any other categories I missed?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Apr 1994 14:06:59 GMT
From: teffta@cs690-3.erie.ge.com (Andrew R. Tefft)
Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.misc
In article m80@geraldo.cc.utexas.edu writes:
> Isn't this whole discussion is based on an unsubstantiated rumor? ;)
How is that different from industry standard? :-)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------