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Yucks Digest V4 #12 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 23 Apr 94 Volume 4 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
administrivia
all things must come to an end
AOL
barbie dolls
Borland owl and sound !!!
bugged
Can BunnyIP be far behind?
cutie
do you have bobby knoght's email address
Fondle?
funny line from some comedian playing in the background...
guns for sale
hacker barbie
how stupid do they think we are???
I'd like to do something about this but I can't be bothered
Idaho/Korean food
I didn't make this up
jello Guadalajara
John Johnson for Mayor
Looking for group for "kermit" questions
microbrain
New Policy at XXXX Computer Corp.
No candy this lane, just bullets
Paranoid? Who me?
Playing golf is better than money-grubbing
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
Religion according to K&R
satanic icons
The Cereal Abuse/Drug Abuse connection
The Journal of Irreproducible Results comes to UChicago 3/31
Yes or The Who?
You will ...
Yucks
Yucks Digest V4 #11 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat Apr 23 13:17:20 EST 1994
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
This is the first Yucks digest in several weeks. I've been doing a
*lot* of traveling during the past few weeks, and I'm behind in
everything. I'll try to pump a few extra ones out in the following few
weeks while I am at home (for a change).
However, no need to write to me to ask if you have missed a couple of
issues -- the last one before this was #11, issued on April 3.
------------------------------
From: crisper@armory.com (Crisper Than Thou)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: all things must come to an end
Date: 8 Apr 1994 21:47:58 GMT
(geoff miller) wrote:
> God bless all of you, and i hope that at least a few of you will sooner
> or later take Jesus into your hearts as i've taken him into mine. goodbye.
When I collapse on some street downtown someday, they will take me to the
emergency room and try to revive me, and the trauma ward team will be
suddenly overcome as they open up my chest cavity to reveal the writhing
tissue of my cardiac muscle. They will collapse, ecstatic, wiggling with
joy, because Jesus will leap from my heart into all of theirs, like some
alien bloodworm, a parasite for the all the world to enjoy. Yes, I look
forward to the day that Jesus, who lurks within my heart, feeding slowly
off my vital nutrients and growing, yes, oh so slowly growing to a length
of several inches, all of them tepid and pale and segmented, his little
fangs spitting water and wine, will spread into all of you, and we will
be like the thousand loaves-- doughy and full of yeast. Yes.
--The Elder Dan
(religiously crisper)
If you cannot take Jesus into your heart, at least take the body-snatchers
into your brain.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 94 10:05:13 -0400
From: "John F. Woods" <jfw@ksr.com>
Subject: AOL
To: eniac
> From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
> Interestingly, I am doing a lecture later today here at the University
> of Idaho in their "Cyberspace: The New Frontier" series that includes
> this very topic: how do we assimilate several million new people into
> the net.
Very simple. With each free AOL floppy, you get your very own person-sized
seed pod...
------------------------------
Date: 6 Apr 94 03:07:05 EDT
From: hemr@hulaw1.harvard.edu (Kurt Wm. Hemr, Harvard Law School)
Subject: barbie dolls
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
In article <94095.123531EHOZA@MIAMIU.BITNET>, <EHOZA@MIAMIU.BITNET> writes:
> I am looking for imput on a subject concerning Barbie. I woul like to gain
> more information regarding her position in today's society despite her long
> controversial history. Tell me about your opinion surrounding her stereotyp-
> ical image, as well as where you think she will be in the future. Do you
> agree with what she represents? How influential is her image on the young
> girls playing with her? [ . . . ]
Speaking for myself, my niece can't get enough of Hacker Barbie's Dream
Basement Apartment! The pink Sun workstation in the corner, the little
containers of takeout Szechuan scattered across the floor, her "Don't
Blame Me, I Voted Libertarian" t-shirt -- it's on every little girl's
Xmas list!
To me, the most realistic thing is how if you put in her in the chair
in front of the monitor, she'll stare at it for hours without blinking
or taking her hands off the keyboard.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:18:00 -0400
From: Ivan.Desaedeleer%f0.n17.z17@visavis.cam.org (Ivan Desaedeleer)
Subject: Borland owl and sound !!!
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++
Hello,
How i can generate sound in Borland 4.0. My source Code is for
windows with Owl of borland. I know the sound,delay,nosound of
dos but in window. The king of sound is very primate some bell
for advertising user wish is at end of file.
De Saedeleer Ivan
[What he said --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:46:16 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: bugged
To: eniac
BC-BRITAIN-FLEAS
SEND US YOUR FLEAS, SCIENTISTS ASK BRITONS
LONDON (Reuter) - Scientists are appealing to Britons to
send them fleas.
"If someone finds a flea, we want them to wrap it up in
adhesive tape, put it in an envelope and send it to us," said a
spokesman for a pharmaceuticals firm researching the insects.
Scientists want to establish just where and when Britain's
flea population comes out of hiding and starts feasting on pet
dogs and cats. The biting season starts in April or May.
Some fleas jump 10,000 times before finding a host and the
cat flea, the most common kind in Britain's homes, only bites
humans when really hungry.
"After finding a host, they start an orgy of gluttony and
sex, dying of exhaustion a week later," said the Daily Mail
newspaper in a report on the new research.
[Sounds like some of our frat boys during Homecoming weekend....
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 12:21:18 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Can BunnyIP be far behind?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: jim@Tadpole.COM (Jim Thompson)
tadpole 14 whois -h rs.internic.net playboy
Playboy Enterprises (PLAYBOY-DOM)
680 N. Lake Shore Drive
Chicago, IL 60611
Domain Name: PLAYBOY.COM
Administrative Contact, Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
Norton, Steve (SN9) steve@INTERACCESS.COM
(708) 671-0112
Record last updated on 14-Feb-94.
Domain servers in listed order:
MAILHOST.INTERACCESS.COM 198.80.0.6
BACKUP.INTERACCESS.COM 198.80.0.11
No RR records other than SOA/NS, but hey, BunnyIP can't be far behind,
can it?
[The sites on the net, while appearing to be well-configured, are
inaccessible to anyone actually on the net. Of course. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Apr 94 04:31:41 EDT (Thu)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: Shava Nerad Averett <shava@HERMES.OIT.UNC.EDU>
[From a reliable source on the Internet--forwards removed]
Actually I have SOLID information that Windows NT will be distributed in
chain letter form. Within 60 days you will receive a letter containing a
list of names and addresses, along with instructions to write 10 lines of
C code and send them to the address at the top of the list before you add
your name at the bottom and mail copies to 84 of your friends. Having
done that you will simply simply sit back and wait a few weeks to receive
12.5 million lines of NT source code, which you will then compile and link
to form your NT system.
DO NOT break the chain. Microsoft has spent billions figuring out what to
do to people who break the chain. One beta tester forgot to mail his
source code, and within ten days his system was attacked by a virus and
then destroyed by a power surge. A woman told her friend not to respond
to the pre-release letter, and within hours she fell into a hole and was
devoured by poisonous NT bugs! Another man sent the letter back to
Microsoft, and within weeks he began hallucinating and ended up in
a mental hospital, endlessly repeating the word "downsizing".
Don't tell anyone that you heard this from me.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Apr 94 12:44:15 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: do you have bobby knoght's email address
To: spaf
Deb.West@launchpad.unc.edu wries:
=> New contest! I'm currently collecting votes for the 13 most evil
=> net.personalities. As before, vote by email, use any definition of evil
=> you like, and the results will be posted on alt.evil. The tentative
=> deadline is May 15 (subject to change). You may vote for anyone,
=> including yourself, who has posted to UseNet at least once. You may vote
=> for up to 13 different people. If possible please try to include the
=> email address(es) but this is not mandatory (if the email address are
=> available for the winners they will be sent copies of the final results
=> posting _only_). Of course, if you can't think of anyone who posts on
=> UseNet that you consider "evil," you need not vote, just come by alt.evil
=> and have a look at who won later on.
=>
=> Deb
the possibilities are just endless.....
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Apr 94 14:16:37 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Fondle?
Newsgroups: alt.fondle.vomit
To: spaf
Over in "alt.fondle.vomit" (where do we get these names, or more
importantly, WHY do we read them) there has been some discussion of
why the group's name involves the word "fondle"
Andy (roo+@CMU.EDU) provided the definitive explanation:
=> the root of "fondle" comes from fonda, as in Jane Fonda, who caused a
=> lot of people to vomit in the 70's.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 03:44:53 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: funny line from some comedian playing in the background...
To: eniac
"What do they mean money doesn't grow on trees? It's made of paper
isn't it? Where do they think paper comes from?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Apr 1994 15:01:29 -0400
From: Kusu Lee <kl3b+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: guns for sale
Newsgroups: cmu.misc.market
I have quite a few guns for sale:
1 9mm baretta a steal at $50
2 ak47 assault rifles $75 each
5 custom made grenade launchers $50
1 economy model flame thrower $100
1 daisy air rifle $15
1 colt 45 (the gun that won the west) $100
2 88 magnums (shoots through schools) $100 each
1 caulking gun $5
1 hot glue gun $5
1 saturday night special(made it myself) $15
and many fully automatics as well as intercontinental bolistic missiles.
If you are in the market for nuclear warheads, I'll talk to my mom and see
what I can do. I can also offer troops, tanks, cool army clothes, whips,
chains, s&m wear, tear gas, elephant guns, slingshots, satellites, plastic
explosives, clubs, bats, lead pipes, candlesticks, rope, revolvers, knives,
tire irons, spears, and mace.
all guns are in superb condition.
must be 18 and have a gun permit to buy.
serious inquiries only please
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 94 22:09:03 -0700
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: hacker barbie
To: eniac
> Speaking for myself, my niece can't get enough of Hacker Barbie's Dream
> Basement Apartment! The pink Sun workstation in the corner,
You laugh, but. Several years ago when the Woolworth's in the Stanford
Mall was closing down, during the final sale days I found stacks of wind-up
Barbie appliances. I accumulate little wind-up toys, and these were
irresistible: microwave, sewing machine, boom box, and yes, terminal.
In pink. Of course.
I've loved wind-up terminals since I first saw one in the convenience store
next to the Mill. If you've never seen one, well, they're about the most
useless wind-up toy there is, because they do almost nothing. A drum inside
behind the screen rotates, the drum is painted in a large black (off) and
a large green (on) section, simulating text scrolling by obscuring (off) or
lighting (on) the transparent letters on the screen. I'd run out of a
reliable source for these, but now I had a cache, albeit pink.
> To me, the most realistic thing is how if you put in her in the chair
> in front of the monitor, she'll stare at it for hours without blinking
> or taking her hands off the keyboard.
"Math class is hard! Let's break into the school computer and fix my grade!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 01:26:51 -0400 (EDT)
From: ck0949@csc.albany.edu (KIELY CHRISTIAN E)
Subject: how stupid do they think we are???
To: spaf
upon lookin on the back of my Merriam-Webster Thesaurus i noticed
this little tidbit:
-Its alphabetical arrangement eliminates the need for complicated
indexing, making word-finding fast and easy
is there any other way to possible organize a thesaurus???
[Sure. For instance, alphabetize the letters in the word, then list
those in sorted order. You would find the word alphabetical listed
under aaabcehillpt. Soundex coding might be a way, too. Or by
frequency of use in written or spoken English based on some sample (so
"flame" would be found before "etiquette", rather as on the Usenet).
Anybody got something sillier than these? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 94 13:01:01 -0400
From: Joel B Levin <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: I'd like to do something about this but I can't be bothered
To: eniac
But if anyone else wants to vote on this newsgroup, I suppose they
can.
------- Forwarded Message
To: Ron Dippold Voting Alias <voting@qualcomm.com>
Subject: CFV: soc.apathy
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 94 10:30:31 -0400
From: Joel B Levin <levin@BBN.COM>
I vote ABSTAIN on soc.apathy
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 94 13:35:42 EDT
From: Brent Auernheimer <bja@SEI.CMU.EDU>
Subject: Idaho/Korean food
To: spaf
The following might be useful for yucks -- you definitely don't come to
Pittsburgh for the food.
Group: pgh.food
12-Apr-94 10:37 blanpied@bns.pitt.edu (Tom A. Blanpied) Re: Korean
In article <Co4Bqp.3tM.1@cs.cmu.edu> petel+@cs.cmu.edu (Peter Lee) writes:
>For Korean food in Pittsburgh, my favorite in Sushi Kim's on Liberty Ave.,
>a few blocks past the Strip (away from CMU).
And how about the disasterously named "My Dung" also in the Strip? Hard
to believe, but true. Actually, the sign on the front now bears a
different name (which I can't remember), but the menus bare witness to the
original decision. It's on Penn, a bit further away from downtown than the
heaviest section with USA Gourmet et al. They share a building with an Asian
food store, and make heavy use of it.
General review: quite good. Detailed summary: quite odd.
< food review deleted >
In any case, I can't really think of why this place was so empty when we went,
except that maybe everyone else already knows not to believe the new name on
the front.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 94 13:44:46 CDT
From: covey@cobber.cord.edu (Mark Covey)
Subject: I didn't make this up
To: spaf
Gene;
I can't send the article because of the prohibition on forwarding clari.
articles, but I just read the following subject line in clari.news.top:
"Kevorkian Jurrors to Face Stiff Questionning"
^^^^^
Considering ol' Smiling Jack is on trial for helping someone into the
cosmic bit-bucket, the adjective choice seems a bit suspect. Or, let's
hope.... 8-0
[He'd probably smile about a hung jury, too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 11:20:48 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: jello Guadalajara
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
franco@ta6.cs.uiuc.edu (Alexander Franco) writes:
+I am wondering about the following question. Imagine filling
-a swimming pool, not with water, but with jello (a colloidal
+substance). Would it be possible to swim in the jello? Or
-would you be hopelessly immobilized?
[So naturally we set up an experiment...]
Alejandro poises on the high dive, his twin brother
Franco on the low. Alejandro begins his takeoff,
applying full power he takes the final leap that will
plunge him relentlessly into the void. As he starts
his leap, Franco likewise begins running. Alejandro is
on his way down as Franco starts up - they hit the
Olympic-sized jello mold at the same time.
With the sound of a hundred thousand simultaneous
sound-barrier-crossing farts, they plunge into the
raspberry colloid. Without a splash, a giant wiggle
crosses the surface, spreads out, reflects, meets,
goes on for hours. The vibrations are felt by Mr.
Protocol's sensors in Baja.
After a moment, they have failed to surface. The
spectators, wondering if they are grandstanding,
breast stroking merrily about under the surface,
or trapped like neolithic mosquitos in amber, crowd
the edge of the deck. Slowly, the dark splotches
somewhere near the center of the rosy mass dissipate.
The divers have disappeared! The pioneers are gone.
Whence?
A mighty cloud of gas rises from the still wriggling
suspension, with a sound ominously like a burp.
New patterns appear across the surface. NSA satellite
photos, later analyzed by lip readers, indicate the
blob is clearly speaking English: "There's always
room for humans."
A tactical nuclear strike is arranged, but as the
shells arrive, the satellite crossing the sky records
them falling on a mysteriously empty pool.
------------------------------
Date: 3 Apr 1994 19:17:39 GMT
From: jlpicard@bga.com (Craig Becker)
Subject: John Johnson for Mayor
Newsgroups: austin.general
Did anyone else, this fine Easter Sunday morning, manage to catch the misc
and sundry mayoral candidates on Austin Access Cable?
I wish I'd taped it, as it featured one of those great unsung moments in
television history, namely, mayoral candidate John Johnson, who informed
us that yes, he was an ex-con, but the media has done him wrong and that
people should contact the DA in New Jersey, who will inform them that he
was _not_ a hit-man, merely a wheel-man, and that he participated in five
hits (not four, as apparently the media has reported), and that the only
man he ever killed was so-and-so, who raped the wife of a friend who was
in prison.
He went on to say that despite the rumors, he does _not_ have AIDS, he has
done his time in prison, undergone a metamorphosis, and that law-and-order
is high on his agenda.
Only in Austin...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 18:42:49 -0600
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: Looking for group for "kermit" questions
To: spaf
Richard L. Hamilton) asks:
=> [the request was for a group where 'kermit' questions can be asked]
Rathinam (rathinam@ins.infonet.net) replies:
=>
=> comp.protocols.kermit
=> alt.tv.muppets
=>
=> -rathinam
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Apr 94 14:56:59 EDT
From: bala@research.att.com
Subject: microbrain
To: systems
>To: fun-people@research.att.com
Subject: security through stupidity
From: peter honeyman <honey@citi.umich.edu>
From: "Michael T. Stolarchuk" <mts@terminator.rs.itd.umich.edu>
From: brena@hcia.com (Brian D. Renaud)
from the April issue of Data Communications:
In contrast [to Novell's IPX], Microsoft's Windows NT uses
TCP/IP to carry client-server traffic. Microsoft claims it
is much more difficult to hack into a TCP/IP session
because IP is a connection-oriented protocol. Each packet
is transmitted in a numbered sequence, and acknowledgments
are sent for each one. "We don't have the same problem [as
Netware] because IP is a secure protocol to begin with,"
says Ty Carlson, product manager for Windows NT TCP/IP
technologies at Microsoft.
[This confirms some sad suspicions about Microsoft. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 1994 13:34:17 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: New Policy at XXXX Computer Corp.
To: spaf (Yucks List), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
MEMORANDUM TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RESTROOM USE POLICY
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restroom under informal guidelines. Effective in two weeks,
a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more
consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom
time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy, a Restroom Trip Bank will be established
for each employee. The first day of each month, employees
will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom
Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two week, the entrances to all restrooms will be
equipped with personnel identification station and
computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the
end of this month, each employee must provide two (2)
copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to
the Personnel Department. The voice print recognition
stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the
rest of this month. Employees should acquaint themselves
with the stations during this period.
Beginning the first of next month, the policy will be fully
operational. If the employee's Restroom Trip Credit
balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not
unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next
month. In addition, all restroom stalls will be equipped
with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied
for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound.
Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of
paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush,
and the stall door will open. If the stall remains
occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted in the bulletin board in the
lunch room. Anyone's picture displayed there three (3)
times will be terminated. If you have any questions about
this policy, please ask you supervisor.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 94 01:58:47 EDT
From: normanc523@aol.com
Subject: No candy this lane, just bullets
To: spaf
The story in Yucks, V4 #11, about candy in check-out lines reminded me of the
time I was visiting in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and stopped in a local variety
store. In addition to the usual candy and gum at the check-out line, they
had stocked boxes of shotgun shells. I can just hear those little cowtykes
now, "Mommy, mommy, can I please have some bullets?" "Not now, you haven't
shot the ones I bought for you last week!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 07:19:46 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: Paranoid? Who me?
To: SPAF
A new addition to the category "Just because you're paranoid
doesn't mean they're not really after you."
Hanlon's razor:
Never attribute to malice that which can be
adequately explained by stupidity.
Cook's corollary:
... or the Illuminati conspiracy.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 94 11:28:18 PDT
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: Playing golf is better than money-grubbing
To: spaf
Did you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55
years later, do you know what has become of these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship,
Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still
playing golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 04:20:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"The architecture of the 80xxx series of microprocessors is clear evidence
that INTEL isn't doing in-house drug testing."
- Paul Flaherty
Submitted by: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" <cak@parc.xerox.com>
Mar. 1, 1994
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Apr 1994 04:20:03 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns.
Genius is the ability to perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot.
Scholarship is the ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any."
- Michael J. Moran
Director of Mechanical Technology
Kolmar Laboratories, Inc. - New York
Submitted by: "Darin S. Lory" <p00403@psilink.com>
Mar. 3, 1994
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 04:20:03 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should've been
more specific."
- Jane Wagner
Submitted by: Dave Hendrickson <hendrick@hpanlv.an.hp.com>
Feb. 4, 1994
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 94 19:30:05 EDT
From: pst@tarnover.shockwave.com
Subject: Religion according to K&R
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[The following may be offensive to Mormons who are not C++ advocates and
C++ advocates who are not Mormons, and completely unfunny to anyone
who doesn't have opinions about either.]
We used to call Kernighan and Ritchie's "The C programming language"
simply "The Bible."
When the second edition came out, we changed to calling the first
edition "The Old Testament" and the second edition "The New Testament."
Using that anology, it becomes easy to see that Bjarne Stroustrup's
C++ book is none other than "The Book of Mormon."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 94 22:32:33 -0700
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: satanic icons
To: spaf, jeannemu@symantec.com, eric@trinity.rdd.lmsc.lockheed.com
------- Forwarded Message
<forwards sacrificially burnt>
Subject: EVIL MESSAGES FOUND IN MICROSOFT ICONS!!!
Followup-To: comp.sys.mac.misc
Organization: Parent's Internet Resource Center
This is an IMPORTANT NOTE for parents, teachers, and all RIGHT-THINKING
people in the world. Our research at the Parent's Internet Resource Center
has uncovered one of the most heinous, evil secrets of the computer
industry, unknown to all but a few UNTIL NOW.
The icons for MICROSOFT WORD and MICROSOFT EXCEL contain hidden messages of
a truly evil nature. The 1-bit, 32x32 pixel Macintosh icon for WORD, for
example, when translated from binary into ASCII, contains the string "BILL
GATES is the DEVIL. Worship Bill. Bill is our leader. Bill is evil."
The EXCEL icon contains a similar string.
The icon templates for higher bit depths are even more insidious. If one
reverses the data for the 8-bit 32x32 pixel icon for MICROSOFT WORD, and
then attempts to play it with a Sun ULAW-format sound player at a 2-bit
depth, one hears what appears to be the voice of Bill Gates himself saying
"I am evil incarnate; worship me. You must follow me."
On the Windows side, the situation is even more heinous. If the data
describing every possible icon for MICROSOFT WORD is combined, it forms a
complete Windows screen saver module which, when run, bounces a pentagram
around the screen.
Clearly, this evil activity must be stopped. To contribute to the cause of
the PIRC, please send your check to:
Parent's Internet Resource Center
13552 Toidinami Road
Racine, WI 54259
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: 5 Apr 1994 13:55:17 -0700
From: name lost in formatting
Subject: The Cereal Abuse/Drug Abuse connection
Newsgroups: alt.cereal
Hi everyone!
I have been reading this group recently and haven't seen anyone comment
on the disturbing aspects of certain children's cereal commercials. The
two series of commercials that I find most disturbing are the CooKoo for
CocoPuffs ads and the Trix are for Kids ads. Both these ads feature
"birds" that are addicted to cereal which either causes them to
hallucinate and see many colors<a la LSD> or to freak out and wreak havoc
on the nearby area<a la PCP>. What kind of message is this sending our
children? When the cereal doesn't give them the desired effect, will
they seek this sort of drug induced histeria through illegal narcotics?
I am presently getting ready to start a petition to have these ads taken
off the air. The implications scare me and I do not allow my little ones
to eat these cereals because of it.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 1994 18:40:23 -0600 (CDT)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: The Journal of Irreproducible Results comes to UChicago 3/31
To: spaf (spaf)
And to think I missed this....
Newsgroups: uchi.general,uchi.talks,chi.general,alt.folklore.science
From: revu@ellis.uchicago.edu (Sendhil Revuluri)
Subject: The Journal of Irreproducible Results comes to UChicago 3/31
Date: Thu, 31 Mar 1994 06:46:03 GMT
The Irreproducible Tour: Science CAN Be Funny!
The "Mad Magazine for the Stephen Hawking crowd" is coming to town.
Marc Abrahams, editor of the JOURNAL FOR IRREPRODUCIBLE RESULTS, is
visiting the University of Chicago on Thursday, 31 March 1994. The
presentation will take place in the Kersten Physics Teaching Center
(5720 S. Ellis Ave.) at 3 pm, and should last about an hour.
>From "Multivariate Analysis of Spaghetti Sauce Stains" to "Survival
Strategies Among Animal Crackers", expect incontrovertible (and
irreproducible) proof that science can be funny. Suitable for all
audiences.
Mr. Abrahams will also autograph copies of "Sex as a Heap of
Malfunctioning Rubble: More of the Best of the JIR", a collection of
the Journal's best pieces.
For further information, contact Sendhil Revuluri, chief instigator
(s-revuluri@uchicago.edu or by phone at 312/702-2957). We hope to see
you there.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 09:46:48 -0500
From: schuba (Christoph Schuba)
Subject: Yes or The Who?
To: coast-students, friends
got it from a friend in Germany:
"Who's on stage?" "Yes" "Yes is on stage?" "No, Yes isn't at this
concert, Who's on stage!" "Who?" "Yes!" "Yes is the name of the group on
stage?" "No, silly, Yes isn't here, Who's on stage." "Look, what's their
name?" "Who!" "The band, the band on stage!" "No, The Band's coming on
later, Who's on stage!" "I'm asking you!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 94 19:30:04 EDT
From: wheeler@ipl.rpi.edu (Frederick Wheeler)
Subject: You will ...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[ This joke is the original work of Fred Wheeler and Jeff Sorenson (a
hysterical conspiracy theorist). It is a parody of recent AT&T
commercials that ask "Have you ever read a book from around the
world?" and respond "You will, and the company that will bring it to
you is AT&T." ]
Have you ever received an automated sales pitch,
while you were still in your pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over
the world charged to your stolen account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted
by faceless intruders from across the globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your
whereabouts and activities than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a
satellite laser while lying on the beach?
______
| |
| |
| You |
| |
| Will |
| |
|______|
And the company that will bring this to you
is AT&T
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 11:40:09 -0500 (CDT)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Yucks
To: spaf (spaf)
Found in Lakeland Newspapers (Lake County, IL) Friday, July 11, 1993
Beach passes beach attire ordindinance [sic]
ROUND LAKE BEACH-- The Round Lake Beach Village Board passed
a detailed ordinance on bathing suit attire. It is now unlawful
for anyone to be in a public park, playground, or beach in the
village wearing something in manner that the genitals, vulva, pubis,
pubic symphis [sic], pubic hair, buttocks, natal cleft, perinieum
[sic], anus, anal region, any upper portion of the breast at or
below the upper edge of the areola [sic] there of any female person,
is exposed to public view or is not covered by an opaque covering.
The ordinace [sic] was adopted to make sure all trends in the
fashion industry will be covered.
[Pun not intended, I'm sure. Do you suppose that people likely to
dress in this manner will know what all the technical terms are,
especially with all the misspellings? Maybe the Board should have
published photographs with the prohibited areas clearly shown.
Apparently, total nudity is not prohibited, nor is the wearing of
skimpy attire prohibited on the street, public buildings or in your
own back yard. It would seem that an albino woman would be exempt
from the aureole rule as well. Now, where did I leave my binoculars???
_JJK]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 03 Apr 1994 22:21:08 -0400
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #11 (shorts)
To: spaf
>> [Geek Scrabble? Some people have too much free time on their hands. --spaf]
And they fill it by moderating mailing lists.
[That explains it. Thanks. --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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