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Yucks Digest V4 #9 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 6 Mar 94 Volume 4 : Issue 9
Today's Topics:
"Hi, I'm Debbie on the Party Line!"
Chicago? Chicago?
Cockup in digest submission...
Communicating Commodes
Communist China developments
Cunning Pikes - A sample
do-it-yourself
Earth moves... under your feet
Elvis Loves Me, This I Know, for the Colonel Tells Me So
EVERY DOG HAS ITS WAY
help with homework needed
HUMOR: EMail to the Chief
Hydrogen Beer
I just want to be the first to say...
Kerrigan vs. Bobbit
Management Memo #149876
Modern Natural Selection
Quote of the day
tension-inducing tapes
THANK GOD FOR THE NET!!!!!
The Seeing Eye Dog from Hell
What every chic gorilla is wearing these days
Yucks Digest V4 #8 (2 msgs)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 03 Mar 1994 18:06:21 -0500
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: "Hi, I'm Debbie on the Party Line!"
To: spaf
[ comp.arch holds a discussion for Video-On-Demand. This has
degenerated into suggestions that it would work if it were made the
equivalent of phone sex. This, of course, leads to that age old
question, "Where does a 300-pound transvestite sleep? -- sc ]
no, interactive video pornography will never sell. who wants
to discover that the crooning voice on the other end of the line is
attached to a 300 pound transvestite? :-)
p.s. apologies to any 300-pound transvestites that I may have
offended.
------------------------------
Date: 10 Dec 93 00:08:10 GMT
From: mbk%anl433.uucp@Germany.EU.net (Matt Kennel)
Subject: Chicago? Chicago?
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy
norman nithman (nrn@chinet.chinet.com) wrote:
: Architecture, pizza, blues, Algren, Sandberg, Speck, losing sports teams,
: futures/options markets...
: I guess Gates chose Chicago as a name because he felt that Chicago is
: the least exotic locale in the world. This doesn't stop him from coming
: here every time he wants to pitch his latest $499 program. I'd rather
: live in a town with some character than some foggy border town populated
: by a bunch of flannel-wearing, expresso-swilling, ex-Los Angelenos!
What about "Cairo" then? Chaos, traffic jams, exotic-look-n-feel, massive
bureaucratic overhead, and a tendency to get blown up or killed for no
particularly good reason? :-)
Let's continue along these lines... :-)
Apple System 7: Hollywood -- flashy and slick but lacking in substance.
SunOS (pre S5): Boston --- nice college town full of nerds
UNIX: Washington, DC --- More loopholes than a shoelace factory, but this
is where everything important happens.
Taligent: Oz --- "Somewhere, over the rainbow, somewhere far ...."
NeXTStep: Berkeley --- idealists dreaming away smoking dope but you never
know what genius that dead head might turn out to be...
MVS: The Death Star --- "A long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away..."
Newton: Disneyland *Tokyo* --- everything looks so bright and happy and
clean and friendly but absolutely nobody can understand a word you say.
OS/2: Westchester county Connecticut --- They want to get out of NYC but
they still can't completely leave...
Windows: NYC --- everybody lives there even though they know it's a pit.
--- and is right next to....
DOS: Newark, NJ --- did you ever see "Eraserhead"?
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Mar 94 01:31 GMT0
From: Dominic Thomas <dominict@cix.compulink.co.uk>
Subject: Cockup in digest submission...
To: spaf, dominict@cix.compulink.co.uk
Oh, dear.
Yucks Digest 4/4 has just reached me - and it looks like my mailer has
developed a sense of humour. What I *should* have sent you was this:
> Nottingham, England. April 1993
>
> Burglars in St. Ann's in Nottingham used their victim's telephone to
> call a taxi to take them away with their booty. The taxi driver told
> the police, who were alerted by a neighbour, where he had taken his
> fares. Police visited the address and discovered the miscreants and
> the stolen property. One of the raiders was only found, though, when
> he fell through the ceiling from the attic, where he had been hiding.
>
> [reported in Nottingham Evening Post, 19/01/94]
This probably makes more sense than what I actually posted, although on
re-reading it I don't think it's half as amusing. On the net, no-one can
hear you cringe...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 94 10:53:44 PST
From: spl@szechuan.UCSD.EDU (Steve Lamont)
Subject: Communicating Commodes
To: spaf
>From Yucks Digest V4 #5:
> An ad comes on that is so unbelievable that I keep waiting for the
> Energizer Bunny to come on and let me know that it's all a joke. It
> didn't happen.
>
> The product in question is called, get this.... "Potty Light(tm)".
> No, this is not some low-cal toilet-bowl cleaner. This is a battery-
> operated box with a light sensor and a long, ?-shaped piece of fiber-
> optic plastic on it. Hang this over the edge of your commode, and
> when you turn out the bathroom light, the toilet lights up. Really.
> No, I'm serious. Honest. Oh, stop it.
This puts me in mind of a similar new device I heard, if memory
serves, reported on a recent Marketplace on [NA]PR: A potty that warns
unsuspecting victims when the seat is up.
It apparently has an infrared sensor, more or less like the self
flushing urinals that one sees every once and a while (well, at least
half the population sees at every once and a while) that detects the
presence of a "customer" and, if the seat is up, emits a warning (and
perhaps a severe electric shock to the offending domestic partner??).
------------------------------
Date: 22 Jul 1993 17:42:44 GMT
From: lawrence@ctron.com (- THE SAINT -)
Subject: Communist China developments
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Translated from a recent TASS:
XIANG PENG -- Approximately 29,000 citizens of the small fishing village
have succeeded [sic] from the Communist Chinese nation to form their own
country. Speculation is running high among political and sociological
analysts as to what direction the fledgling nation will proceed in
and what form of government is will select for its leadership.
Economists in China fear the new country, which will remain located
within the national borders of China, will have difficulty establishing
and maintaining any stability with its adopted currency, the Kury.
Xiang Peng former Secretary of International Affairs Kim Pac Lo, now
the acting Premiere of the new country, said in an interview with
world media representatives Monday that Xiang Peng will not follow in
the path set by other countries which have in recent years broken off
from their parenting Communist countries.
"We will not incite wars or embargos," Pac Lo said to an embassy room
packed with reporters and members of Chinese high government and its
military. "We wish a peaceful existence, simply away from and no longer
influenced by the great political machinations of China."
Officials of the Clinton Administration have been unavailable for comment
on whether the United States will enter in trade agreements with Xiang
Peng, which is the one of the Orient's largest cane, bamboo and Teng fish
exporters. Similar questions remain as to whether President Clinton
intends to offer financial support to the embarking nation.
Pac Lo said work has begun on designing the nation's flag, governmental
structural heirarchy and foreign affairs collaboratives. Given the
simple and rural origins of Xiang Peng, Pac Lo said the as yet most-favored
suggestion for the country's new name is "The Village People's Republic."
The floating disco balls in the capital buildings are a dead giveaway.
# # #
How far did you read before you realized?
[Realize what? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 94 12:32:24 GMT
From: "T.S.Paveley" <tsp93ma@mail.soton.ac.uk>
Subject: Cunning Pikes - A sample
To: spaf
Spaf, here is a sample of 15 pikes for Yucks, and a little bit of
information about where to get the rest.
Welcome to the world of cunning pikes, The Cunning Pike Concept was
originally designed by mjg2@mail.soton.ac.uk (Mike Gay), and has since
also been taken up by myself and a friend.
Below is just a small selection out of the 150+ Cunning Pike designed
between the three of us. If you would like to obtain the complete set,
then please send an email to either;
tsp93ma@mail.soton.ac.uk (Tim Paveley)
or scp93ch@mail.soton.ac.uk (Stephen Phillips)
and we will be happy to send you the latest edition.
Enjoy!
|
-O_O- Cunning Pike (Your Basic Run Of The Mill Pike)
|
-$_$- Capitalist Cunning Pike
|
m-O_O-m
\-Y-/
|
I Cunning Pike With Pneumatic Drill
|
-O_O-\\__/
~~-----|oo|
| \../
|-|--|-| Cunning Pike Taking Donkey For Walk
/ / / / / / / /
/ / / / / / /
/ / __|__ / / /
/ / \ / /
/ /_______\ / /
| / /
| | / / / Cunning Pike with umbrella
-O_O+ / / /
J
_____
/ \
/ \
|_______| Parachuting Cunning Pike
\ /
\|/
-O_O-
|
\O_O/ Free-falling Cunning Pike
|
| |
-O~O- Worried Cunning Pike without parachute
|
n_
-O_O-Dvvvvv Cunning Lumberjack-Pike
=====
-O_O- Pike Cunningly Disguised as a sandwich
=====
=====
-XoX- Cunning Pike Sandwich
=====
o o
o
| o Cunning Pike juggling
-O_O-
|
-O_O-? Shepherd's Pike
|
""""""{""""
}
{ Tarzan Cunning Pike
--- | {
--- -O_O-}
| >0
-O_O- >0 Cunning vampire-pike after blood
" >0
------------------------------
Date: a few months back
From: an49019@anon.penet.fi (the ticktockman)
Subject: do-it-yourself
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
WOOSTER, Ohio (UPI) -- A northeast Ohio man told police he cut off his
own penis and testicles because he could not afford a sex-change
operation.
Richard Zorub, 55, Wooster, was hospitalized in fair condition
Wednesday.
Police Capt. Don Edwards said Zorub's girlfriend discovered the
mutilation Monday and found Zorub's penis and testicles in a cooking pot
inside his refrigerator.
Edwards said when police officers arrived at the scene they found the
man eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He told officers he
needed the energy because he was beginning to feel weak, Edwards added.
Surgeons at Wooster Community Hospital said they decided not to
reattach the organs because Zorub told them he would only cut them off
again.
Officials said no charges would be filed in the mutilation but they
were considering filing telephone harassment and petty theft charges
against Zorub.
Edwards said Zorub is believed responsible for making more than 400
obscene calls to female telephone operators, during which he allegedly
told them he would like to, among other things, cut their toenails. The
pending theft charge involved the shoplifting of a pair of toenail
clippers.
Edwards said officers escorted Zorub from the Wooster Public Library
Dec. 16 when library officials complained he entered a women's restroom
wearing female clothing.
``The only purpose we would have in filing any charges is to make
sure he receives some intense mental health treatment,'' Edwards said.
[He sounds pretty normal to me! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 94 10:26:25 EST
From: marty%stilyo.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Marty Reynolds in Atlanta)
Subject: Earth moves... under your feet
To: spaf
Saw that note on the commemorative 'quake charity-condom' & I just couldn't
help remembering the Aretha Franklin song of the same name.
But 'Earth moves...' is only one of her songs that addresses currently
topical issues. The other is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If one substitutes
T-C-P-then-say-I-P throughout it becomes a satisfying motown networking
ditty. The clue has always been there since there's that refrain 'socket
to me, socket to me, socket to me.' Though sockets have been replaced
by new-name/same-stuff nomenclaturists (RPCs, etc.), the gist here
remains evident.
------------------------------
Date: several months ago
From: foster@mtechca.maintech.com
Subject: Elvis Loves Me, This I Know, for the Colonel Tells Me So
>From the "Los Angeles Times Orange County Edition",
10 August 1993, Calendar section, page F4.
Elvis the King Might Be a God in the Making, Author Says
-- from Reuter.
Memphis, Tennessee - Chances are even those who think of Elvis
Presley as a god don't rank the late entertainer on a par with
the Supreme Being.
But the day may come when followers go down on their knees to
worship "Elvis the King," a messenger who was sent by God, was
betrayed by trusted friends and lives eternally in the hearts
of all men and women.
At least that's the argument put forward in a new book by a
former religious affairs correspondent for the BBC, who sees
in the Elvis cult the seeds of devotion that could - over
time - grow into a full-fledged religion.
"The worship, adoration and the perpetuation of the memory
of Elvis today closely resembles a religious cult," says Ted
Harrison, author of the book _Elvis People - The Cult of the
King_ (HarperCollins, US$10), which has just been published
in the United States.
"Indeed, what is now the Elvis cult could be nothing less
than a religion in embryo."
Officials at Graceland, Presley's celebrated mansion, expect
ten thousand to fifteen thousand Elvis fans to converge on
Memphis to mark the anniversary of his 1977 death on Monday.
In the past they have held a candlelight vigil, visited
Presley's grave and scrawled messages to the dead singer -
often couched in religious terms - on the walls of the estate.
"Elvis fans say, echoing the words of many Christians, it is
possible not only to love Elvis, but to be loved by Elvis and
have a personal relationship with him," the book notes.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1993 08:10:32 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: EVERY DOG HAS ITS WAY
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
EVERY DOG HAS ITS WAY
by Debbie Salamon, Burlington Free Press, 7/11/93 p. 1D
Man is a dog's best friend at Camp Gone To The Dogs. For a week
-- well-heeled canines sometimes stay two weeks -- Tiki, Spot,
Shadow, Muchachas, Stanley and Little Bear frolic with 220 comrades
on the lush athletic fields of Putney School, a boarding school in
southern Vermont.
Activities aren't mandatory. Sedentary, geriatric or generally
disinclined pets just loll in the grass, eating homemade bacon-flavored
dog biscuits. Make no mistake: Owners attend, but at dog camp,
Prince is king.
'We're all complete dog nuts,' says camp director Honey Loring of
Putney. 'People here put their dog's welfare first.'
The people -- 137 per session, mostly single women -- come from 28
states, Canada and Bermuda. ...
Dogs are barred only from the dining hall, supervised by a gourmet
natural foods chef who uses produce grown on school grounds whenever
possible. But even here canine presence is felt; a bin labeled
"safe scraps" stands by the cafeteria line.
Evening activities -- Loring tried 'Beethoven,' 'Turner and Hooch,'
and 'Old Yeller' videos -- failed because campers hated to leave
their pets alone or bring them to a boring activity. ...
By vacation standards, the $625-per-week tab is a, uh, barkgain
[sic]. The price includes everything except linens and dog food.
Counseling with dog psychic Betty Lewis -- at $40 per half hour --
is extra, too, but that didn't stop Pat O'Brien of New Jersey from
signing up. 'My golden retriever and I are having a relationship
problem,' she explained. 'I need to know what the dog is feeling.'
None of Loring's psychological training with people goes to waste.
Stress management, an agenda frequently mentioned by participants,
is achieved through communication with the like-minded. Carla
Mathieu brought her miniature bull terrier all the way from Santa
Barbara for this camaraderie. 'Can you imagine? All the crazy
people in California and I couldn't find a dog camp?' she said.
Cindy Lou Carmona of Virginia, whose darling [sic] miniature poodle
Tasha Ann wears neon pink nail polish to match her mistress',
underlined the acceptance factor. 'A dog's love is unconditional,
whether you're fat or thin.' ...
Dogs mingle surprisingly well, but events like the weinie [sic]
retrieve can provoke dog-eat-dog competition among owners. In this
test of canine willpower, entries are challenged to retrieve smaller
and smaller pieces of frankfurter. As long as the morsel has not
been swallowed, the dog is still in the running. Half-swallowed?
Well, more than one human hand was observed retrieving something
from a canine gullet. ...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Mar 94 13:03:09 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: help with homework needed
To: spaf
[Found in newsgroup alt.humor.best-of-internet]
Hi folks,
This is my first C programming curse so you don't mind that I post a
trivial question. The fisrt 3 programming assignments of the course were all
OK but this proggie is a bit nasty.
Now, we werr sopposed to make a program that behaves like
the UNIX command 'wc', i.e. counts lines, words and characters. Mebbe its
not that trivial and you could get the nobel prize if you solve it, but I
dunno.
I can compile the thing with the command
cc -o homework4 homework4.c
Then you can run the thing with
./homework4 <myfile.txt
This gives 3 numbers, one for lines, one for words and one for characters.
If I do the command
wc <myfile.txt
then it gives a differant number for words, i.e. the middle number.
I'm totally flabbergasted.
I must have the thing finished today!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!
BTW my professor finds my C programming style exallant.
I want to do a summerjob next summer. I'm sure I am a very fluant C
programmer indeed!!!!! Anyone interrested in hiring me???????
---- Here the program starts !!!!!! ------
/* macros supplied by professor */
#define DATA_DIVISION int main() {
#define STOP_RUN exit(0);}
#define WORKING_STORAGE_SECTION
#define PROCEDURE_DIVISION
#define PIC999(x) int
#define ADD(x,y) (y)+=(x);
#define MOVE(x,y) (y)=(x);
#define DISPLAY printf
#define INPUT getchar()
#define EQUALS ==
#define NEWLINE '\n'
#define NOT !
#define AND &&
#define IF if
#define THEN
#define GOTO goto
/*
IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
PROGRAM NAME HOMEWORK-ASSIGNMENT-NO-4.
AUTHOR LENNART-BENSCHOP.
DATE-WRITTEN 2/24/94.
DATE-COMPILED 2/24/94.
* THIS PROGRAM ACTS LIKE THE UNIX WC COMMAND. IT DISPLAYS THE NUMBER
* OF LINES, WORDS AND CHARECTERS OF THE STANDERT INPUT.
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION.
SOURCE-COMPUTER INTEL-386-UNIX.
TARGET-COMPUTER INTEL-386-UNIX.
*/
DATA_DIVISION
WORKING_STORAGE_SECTION
PIC999(9) LINE_COUNT;
PIC999(9) WORD_COUNT;
PIC999(9) CHAR_COUNT;
PIC999(9) CHAR;
PIC999(9) STATE;
PROCEDURE_DIVISION
/* THIS IS THE INITIALISATOIN. */
MOVE(0 , LINE_COUNT)
MOVE(0 , WORD_COUNT)
MOVE(0 , WORD_COUNT)
MOVE(0 , STATE)
/* THIS IS THE PROCESSIN. */
LOOP:
MOVE(INPUT , CHAR)
IF(CHAR EQUALS -1)THEN GOTO DONE;
IF(CHAR EQUALS NEWLINE)THEN {ADD(1 , LINE_COUNT) MOVE(0, STATE) }
IF(NOT (CHAR EQUALS ' ') AND STATE EQUALS 0)THEN
{ADD(1 , WORD_COUNT) MOVE(1 , STATE) }
IF(CHAR EQUALS ' ' ) THEN MOVE(0, STATE)
ADD(1 , CHAR_COUNT)
GOTO LOOP;
DONE:
/* NOW ITS DONE COUNTIN. PROCEED TO GENARATE A REPPORT. */
/* THIS IS THE OUTPUT. */
DISPLAY("%d %d %d\n",LINE_COUNT,WORD_COUNT,CHAR_COUNT);
/* HI F0LKS. ITS TIME T0 ST0P !!!!! */
STOP_RUN
--- end of prog -----
K K 0000 0000 L SSSS 1 GGGG
K K 0 0 0 0 L S 1 G G
K K 0 0 0 0 L S 1 G
KK 0 0 0 0 L SSSS 1 GGGGGG
K K 0 0 0 0 L S 1 G G
K K 0 0 0 0 L S 1 G G
K K 0000 0000 LLLLLL SSSS 1 GGGG
LENNART BENSCHOP. THE ULTAMATE WIZZARD ON BASIC INTERCAL PL/1 COBOL AND C.
ALWAYZ A K00L PR0GRAMM1NG J0B !!!!!!!!!!
L0NG L1VE MS-DOS W1ND0ZE C0MM0D0RE 64 AND W0RDPERFECT !!!!!!!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1993 10:39:56 -0800
From: "Mark D Baushke" <uunet!cisco.com!mdb>
Subject: HUMOR: EMail to the Chief
To: mdb-humor@cisco.com
(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President should
be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most people don't
realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to
root@whitehouse.gov.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 94 13:21:02 PST
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: Hydrogen Beer
To: spaf
In case you haven't received this yet:
January 1, 1994
TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest
fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy is the
flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the
environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, the "Suiso" beer
made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been extremely popular at karaoke
sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly;
individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with
an uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano
parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso
beer.
The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from the maker
of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing
director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from
Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100% biodegradable polymer. The
bottle caps are equipped with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up
of pressure in high temperatures.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point,
even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate
marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from
one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke
videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame
contests took place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of hydrogen used in
the drinks is too low to create potential for bodily harm. In the
factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially
extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito maintained that the
remaining carbon dioxide mixed with hydrogen prevents the rate of
combustion from increasing dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a
nonflammable gas that is naturally contained in the exhaled breath of
humans.
However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product in the US
due to legal complications.
Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or eleven US
dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates lined with concrete to
prevent chain explosions in the event of a fire.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 09:34:38 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: I just want to be the first to say...
To: eniac
...infofahrvergnugen.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 94 14:15:04 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Kerrigan vs. Bobbit
To: spaf
Q: What's the difference between Nancy Kerrigan and John Bobbit?
A: Nancy's knee gets stiff every now and then.
<rim shot>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 93 15:21:26 CST
From: ibmpa!garret.austin.ibm.com!garret@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Grajek)
Subject: Management Memo #149876
To: mutter (muttering people)
All Employees:
In light of the Williamson county ruling against tax breaks
to companies with progressive pocilicies towards homosexuals,
management at DWB (Damn We're Big) have come up with a few new
policies:
* All seating in the cafeteria will be boy-girl-boy-girl.
If this can not be done, men will be required to grunt after
every swallow and talk sports in a loud boisterous manner.
Women seated next to each other must giggle and exchange
coupons.
* No same sex cubemates will be allowed. If a building can not
comply to such a rule, occupants of said cube must
if male: come to blows at least weekly over such matters as
Crafstman vs Stanley tools, Inboard vs Outboard Boat
motors and favorite adult Tanning Salons.
if female: come to blows over the stealing of husbands/boyfreinds
or wardrobe accessorisizing.
* (Male rule only) No male is allowed to stand next to another
male during urinal utilization. If nature demands such a
situation, the adjacent males are required to look into the
accompaning stall and say something derogatory in reference to
anatomy size.
* (Women rule only) All females are required to say something
overtly feminine in any organizational meeting. The statement
must be considered ditzy, irrelevant and on the intelligence level
of a ripened beat [sic]. For example, during a meeting concerning
I/O Planar CAD simulation a female employee might say: "Let's not
talk about such technical things - it gives me such a headache.
Why don't we just go malling for some new pumps!"
Any violation of this rule will incur the following punishment:
Male: 10 hours of John Ways videos or 4 home improvement instructional
sessions at Home Depot.
Female: 10 hours of forced recreation with "Malibu" Ken and Barbie
dolls.
These rules are effective immediately. So let's hop to it and be hetero!
Remember: We in DWB management feel "Tab A, Slot B" is not only sound
biological policy but more importantly, it's swell for tax breaks.
- -mgmt-
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 94 19:15:46 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Modern Natural Selection
To: spaf
(Shamelessly swiped from NOTW.)
To thaw the frozen pipes in his house in Farmingville, NY, in January,
John Porter backed his car up against an open window so the exhaust
could warm up the basement. Shortly afterward, Porter, his wife, and
their three children had to be rushed to the hospital suffering from
carbon monoxide poisoning.
George Gibbs, 23, suffered second- and third-degree burns on his head
in Columbus, Ohio, in January. He had diagnosed his car's problem as
a frozen fuel line, which he thought he could correct by running warm
gasoline through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of
gasoline on a gas stove.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 04:20:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Hiro can't really afford the computer, either, but he
has to have one. It is a tool of his trade. In the worldwide
community of hackers, Hiro is a talented drifter. This is
the kind of lifestyle that sounded romantic to him as recently
as five years ago. But in the bleak light of full adulthood,
which is to one's early twenties as Sunday morning is to
Saturday night, he can clearly see what it really amounts to:
He's broke and unemployed.
-- From SNOW CRASH by Neal Stephenson
page 21, Bantam paperback edition, ISBN 0-553-56261-4
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 94 17:24:39 EST
From: Sean Colbath <sean@Think.COM>
Subject: tension-inducing tapes
To: silent-tristero
Michael Travers writes:
>
> <from Bits n Bytes>
>
> => THE SOUNDS OF WORK can now be purchased on a 90-minute cassette.
> This is ideal for one man offices or telecommuters who want callers
> to think they're working in a busy office. The tape, from Nextech,
> features the sounds of doors closing, phones ringing, typewriters
> clacking, drawers banging, and unintelligible voices droning in the
> background. (Atlanta Journal/Constitution 11/3/93 F2) (E/P)
>
> [Black noise generators? ---dm]
Let's be real here. Anyone who heard a typewriter in the background
would *know* you weren't at work...
------------------------------
Date: 28 Feb 94 21:24:35 GMT
From: jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel)
Subject: THANK GOD FOR THE NET!!!!!
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Someone responded by E-mail to my recent post about how the Ba'Hai faith
is supposedly based on seven major world religions.
The person rather pertly pointed out that two of the major world religions
were Sabeanism and Zoroastrianism.
If I were them, I'd shitcan those two obsolete models, and absorb Norse
Paganism and Klingon religious beliefs instead. Much more interesting.
Much more violent. Much more attuned to our times. And people could carry
around big hammers and wear wacky latex foreheads.
- Jeff Vogel
Rutgers Theology
"And now, to give things for this weeks offering, we will have our period
of ritual chanting. It will be a responsorial. Zuuuuuullllll!"
"Zuuuuuuullllll!"
"Kaaaallliiiiii"
"Kaaaaalllliiiiii"
"Joseph Smith!"
"Joseph Smith!"
"Rah rah rah!"
"Rah rah rah!"
"Now our next hymn is number #231 in the blue hymnal: Crush The Federation
at Ragnarok."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 08 Nov 93 07:22:51 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: The Seeing Eye Dog from Hell
To: spaf
[Original post on alt.tasteless by Peter Harris]
Another little gem from The Sunday Sport, October 17th 1993 :-
GUIDE DOG BUMPS OFF FOUR BLIND OWNERS
By Bill Corke
A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading FOUR of
its blind owners to their deaths.
Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into
how four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his
murderous spree. Officials have admitted how:
VICTIM No1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.
VICTIM No2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.
VICTIM No3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.
VICTIM No4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.
Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa: "He
was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.
It's so sad that he had to be put down."
Gamer's terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old
Selmer Draznower from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer
dragged his master under the wheels of an approaching bus before
scampering off.
Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma
Hassamore who survived just three months after his arrival. Gamer
decided to cut short her seaside holiday by leading her off the
end of a pier. The dog pulled back at the last second but Wilma
plunged into the sea and drowned.
Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had
been answered when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted
Marvin off a railway platform.
Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence
MacDuff, 67, also from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the
unlucky Clarence to his doctor, the hapless hound dragged him
under the wheels of a delivery truck.
A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association,
in Durban, South Africa, said: "We had no choice but to have him
put down."
Last night, the chief trainer for Britain's Guide Dogs For
The Blind Association, Bob Steele, said: "This could never happen
here. If there are any doubts about the animal, it is dropped
from our training programme at once."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 94 18:25:24 PST
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.com (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: What every chic gorilla is wearing these days
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
----
Newswire Item 3/2/94:
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally
hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses
them in clown suits. So far six gorillas have been found wandering
around in this condition. A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a
cruel practice, since they had to tranquilize the gorillas again to
take the suits off.
-----
Cruel, yes; but I keep wondering if the same person isn't dressing some
other gorillas in three-piece suits and releasing them in corporate
boardrooms throughout the U.S.
"Besides being an accomplished author, [Margaret]
Atwood is also a Famous Canadian (i.e., some
Americans have heard of her)."
-- Bruce Becker
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:17:12 -0500 (EST)
From: ptomblin@gandalf.ca (Paul Tomblin (Netlab))
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #8
To: yucks
> the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality
> Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many
> Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.
And the rest are expected to continue to work for MicroSoft.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Mar 94 10:59 EST
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #8
To: yucks
> Date: Fri, 25 Feb 94 10:30:55 PST
> From: uunet!cozumel.Megatest.COM!dhill (Dirk Hill)
> Subject: It is important to get them mixed metaphors right
> To: yucks (eventually)
>
> This is a collection I am starting. If you have been involved in a
> mixed metaphor (either as a receipient or speaker) or an outregeous
> misspeak please send them to me.
A friend heard this in a meeting:
We've got to take the bull by the ball and run with it.
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End of Yucks Digest
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