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Yucks Digest V4 #8




Yucks Digest                Wed,  2 Mar 94       Volume 4 : Issue   8 

Today's Topics:
                           148 Thesis Donts
                       And the Winners Are ...
                  Concerning your recent submission
                        Existential challenges
                               floppies
                     follow up on top CS programs
          It is important to get them mixed metaphors right
                      latest microsquish product
                     SAT threaad on talk.bizarre
                       Stupidity Article (long)
                            Time and Tides
                             useful words
                        winter olympic events

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Feb 94 19:30:03 EST
From: padutton@bigwpi.wpi.edu (Peter Alan Dutton)
Subject: 148 Thesis Donts
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Since I finished my degree and I'm leaving, I thought I'd post this
one more time. Enjoy!

A new and improved list - 47 more things not to do!


148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE

Written by Master Peter Dutton
	contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
	Patricia Whitson and a few others.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
	Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4) Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
	concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
	from sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
	minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
	Jew walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"
67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that 
	it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
	original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
	(Made-up non-existent room number)"
69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me 
	Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the 
	spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
	pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
79) Tap dance.
80) Vaudeville.
81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
	You're out."
82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
83) Dress in top hat and tails.
84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and
	a bonfire.
85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
86) Shadow puppets.
87) Show slides of your last vacation.
88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in
	charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room
	making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
93) Instant replay.
94) Laugh maniacally.
95) Talk with your mouth full.
96) Start speaking in tongues.
97) Explode.
98) Implode.
99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a question.
101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
102) "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at
	Einstein..."
103) Hand out 3-D glasses.
104) "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
105) Go into labor (especially for men).
106) Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
107) "I don't know - I didn't write this."
108) Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
109) Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
110) Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And
	the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail
	room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them
	stamps.
111) Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
112) Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
113) Invite the homeless.
114) "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
115) Hide.
116) Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and
	"shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps).
	Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
117) Same as #116, except use real bullets.
118) "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
119) Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And
	nothing else.
120) Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
121) Play Thesis Mad Libs.
122) Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
123) Do your entire defense operatically.
124) Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you.
	("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
125) Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
126) Mosh pit.
127) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
128) Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
129) "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
130) Claim political asylum.
131) Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
132) Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut
	to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
133) Live radio and TV coverage.
134) Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
135) Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
136) Use a TelePromTer
137) "Take my wife - please!"
138) Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
139) Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a
	spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
140) Offer a toast.
141) Firewalk.
142) Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
143) Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each
	question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience
	as well.
144) Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
145) "By the power of Greyskull..."
146) Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
147) Stand on the table.
148) "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you
	what I COULD have done..."

------------------------------

Date: 31 Jan 94 22:08:23 GMT
From: ed@weir.pa.dec.com (Ed Gould)
Subject: And the Winners Are ...
Newsgroups: comp.org.usenix

		The USENIX Winter 1994 Contest:
		  Design An Industry Alliance

Following occasional tradition, we again held a competition at the
Winter 1994 Conference.  This time, the goal was to suggest a computer
industry merger or alliance, and name the product it would sell.  For
example:

 * MicroSoft and Disneyland collaborate on "Pirates of Puget Sound"

 * USL and Coco Chanel standardize on "Chanel No. 5 Release 3.2"

 * DEC and Crisco co-develop "Cholesterol-free Snake Oil"

 * Novell and Christian Dior sell "ReadyToWare"


The winners were, in order of presentation - last to first:

Honorable Mentions:

	Best Disqualified	Dan Klein, dvk@lonewolf.com
				Alliance between: DEC, HP, IBM, Siemens, ...
				Produces:  OSF (oh, sorry, it's been done...)

	Best Ergonomics		Irving Reid, irving@platform.com
				Alliance between: Digital Equipment Corp. and
						  LA-Z-Boy
				Produces: DECchair

	Best GNU Joke		James Buszard-Welcher, jwelcher@ssf-sys.dhl.com
				Alliance between: GNU and McDonalds
				Produces: EMc's

	Best Guarantee		Angela Thomas, angela@tandem.com
				Alliance between: Domino's Pizza and FSF
				Produces: A new release in 30 minutes or
					  less, or your money back

	Best Graphically	Dan Klein, dvk@lonewolf.com
	Violent			Alliance between: Apple and Smith & Wesson
				Produces: The "Point and Shoot" User Interface

	Best Food		Craig Leres, leres@ee.lbl.gov
				Alliance between: AT&T and Kellogg's
				Produces: a new breakfast cereal "Dark Fibre"

	Best Attempt to		Jim Duncan, jim@math.psu.edu
	Bribe a Judge		Alliance between: Palo Alto Startup, USENIX
				Board, Greg Rose, and NTP developers
				Produces: ParcPlace, SAGE, RoSecure, and Time

The Winners:

	4th Place		Ben Fried, ben@columbia.edu and
				Mark Kennedy, mtk@ms.com
				Alliance between: Vicks and Novell
				Produces: VapoWare

	3rd and 2nd Places	James Buszard-Welcher, jwelcher@ssf-sys.dhl.com
				Alliance between: Cisco and The Tidy-Bowl Man
				Produces: Roto-Router

				Alliance between: Steven Spielberg Productions
						  and Sun Microsystems
				Produces: Jurassic Sparc

	1st Place		Jason Levitt, jason@cs.utexas.edu
				Alliance between: Bell Labs and Lorena Bobbitt
				Produces: Plan 4.5

The Judges (in no particular order):

	Ed Gould
	Matt Blaze
	Jeff Haemer
	Nick Stoughton
	Berry Kercheval
	JI
	Greg Rose
	Piglet

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 12:55:10 EST
From: rowehe@lp.musc.edu
Subject: Concerning your recent submission

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:


     1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

     2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

     3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

          A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
               that a dog has chewed on.
          B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

                              Yours in Science,


                              Harvey Rowe
                              Curator, Antiquities

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Feb 1994 14:06:44 MST
From: "Gene Kim" <gkim@cs.arizona.edu>
Subject: Existential challenges
To: bob

I don't know about you, but if it's true that our behavior in this
life determines how we'll spend our next ones, I'm not looking forward
to being reincarnated.  The way I've conducted myself for the last few
decades pretty much guarantees that I'll be spending my next several
lifetimes as something just slightly less than human -- a box of
Chiclets, for instance, or Howard Stern.

                --Jeffery Kluger, editor, Discover Magazine, 3/1994

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 11 Feb 94 11:50:40 EST
From: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com>
Subject: floppies
To: silent-tristero

[couldn't locate this in thw TRIS WAIS, so here 'tis ... /jr]

From: Tim Peters <tim@ksr.com>
From: jgp@clubmed.rational.com
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
From: olegman@MIT.EDU
From: mariadf@MIT.EDU
From: Weyrwoman of Benden <lessa@MIT.EDU>

Please circulate this as broadly as possible to the user community.  This
is important information that everybody can use.

                        PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES

1.  Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the
    disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.  Diskettes should
    be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2.  Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.  Microscopic metal
    particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface
    of the disk.  Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with
    scouring powder and soap.  When waxing the diskettes, make sure the
    surface is even.  This will allow the diskette to spin faster,
    resulting in better access time.

3.  Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.  "Big"
    diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4.  Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.  The data can
    fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of
    the drive.

5.  Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox
    machine.  If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply
    insert two diskettes into the drive.  Whenever you update a document,
    the data will be written on both diskettes.

6.  Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the
    red light is flashing.  Doing so could result in smeared or possibly
    unreadable text.  Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what
    is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state.  If your system is "hooking"
    you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed
    access to the slot.

7.  If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the
    disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes.  This will
    pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.
    Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss
    data.

8.  Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
    diskette jacket.  This will provide more simultaneous access points
    to the disk.

9.  Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that
    they are properly waxed beforehand.  Be sure to wipe the diskettes
    dry before using.  (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.  The data is
    stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data
    from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.  Razor
    blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is
    equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
    from spreading.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Feb 94 19:45:15 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: follow up on top CS programs
To: spaf

thanks for printing my comeback in yucks.  When I saw it, I wanted to
pass on the comment from Frank Young at Rose-Hulman  that he, his
secretary, and several of his faculty all were taller than 6 feet and
that, he felt, qualified them as another "top" program.

I also received a clueless post from somebody who thought i was
serious about wyoming having a "high quality" program and who couldn't
understand why they weren't represented in journals.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Feb 94 10:30:55 PST
From: uunet!cozumel.Megatest.COM!dhill (Dirk Hill)
Subject: It is important to get them mixed metaphors right
To: yucks (eventually)

This is a collection I am starting. If you have been involved in a
mixed metaphor (either as a receipient or speaker) or an outregeous
misspeak please send them to me. Even if the metaphor is in this
collection but you had heard it butchered in a new way please send
it to me. This collection is from the G. Wismar archives...

Here's my collection of mixed metaphors and other "spur-of-the-cuff"
misstatements:

	What finally broke the straw...

	You can't go out there cold turkey with egg on your face.

	Run it up the flagpole and see if it sticks.

	We took the thunder out of his sails.

	He sank to new heights.

	She hitched her star to his wagon.

	He's really rubbing it in our noses.

	I'm still green behind the ears.

	That's just putting gravy on the cake.

	I'm having a hard time getting my handles around that one.

	If we keep going on this way, somebody is going to be left standing
	at the church with his pants down.

	That's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.

	It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
		
	It's a doggie dog world.

	Things were all up in a heaval.

	She had a missed conception.

	To be a leader, you have to develop a spear de corps.

	I wish someone would make a decision; I'm tired of hanging in libido.

	There were tears strolling down their faces.

	He likes sitting there in his big executive snivel chair.

	Here's the crutch of the matter.

	Don't put your umbrellas and goulashes away yet.

	We didn't sleep very well last night; it was one of those castrated
	beds, and it kept rolling around.

	Would you like a craft of house wine?

	I can't hear what you're saying because of the noise of the celery I'm
	chewing in my ears.

	That needs some thinking about; let me go away and regurgitate for a
	couple of hours.

	And finally, on item captures many people's sentiments about most 
	business meetings: I'm not sure we really need to understand what 
	we're talking about.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 94 11:42:46 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: latest microsquish product
To: spaf, eric@trinity.rdd.lmsc.lockheed.com, shapiro@oki.com

Originally forwarded via someone who works there (but nobody I know)...
------- Forwarded Message

Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:20:53 -0800
From: "Diana L. Chabot" <dianac@cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU>

<<forwards at the Psychic Faire>>>

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP

REDMOND, WA (JAN. 13) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced
Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating
system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.
   Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons,
Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly
with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can
visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with
that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize
pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into
Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous
versions of Windows.
   Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-
term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into
the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron
Access technology.  Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems
to transfer the data.
   Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively
for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to
transfer messages by thought.  Users visualize the person or company
logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send.
Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several
months.

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail
address:  A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross
mole growing on the right side of her lip.  A blue tattoo on her right
arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.")
_____________________________
TESTERS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH WINDOWS TP BETA

   NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way
to go before final release, say beta testers of the product.
   Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included
with the product.
   "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the
Program Manager? It's just not intuitive," says Clyde Revlon, an MIS
specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these
thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is
wonderful, but as the File Manager?  A golden retriever I could
understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too
loud.  Let me control the sweater."
   Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct
Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go
to the light mom," said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp,
Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.
   Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a
presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through
C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it
out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water,"
says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about
Excel scares the crap out of me."
   Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta
release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with
the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality
Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many
Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.
 REUTER


------- End of Forwarded Message

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Feb 1994 13:10:22 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: SAT threaad on talk.bizarre
To: spaf

[SAT sizewar thread started by newbies on talk.bizarre.  Oldbie
follows up.  --P]

From: fawcett@nynexst.com (Tom Fawcett)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: SSC (was: Re: Amiga vs. Mac)
Date: 24 Feb 1994 22:52:20 GMT

caitlinb@u.washington.edu (C Burke) writes:
> Sho Kuwamoto <sho@bohr.physics.purdue.edu> wrote:
> >robodude@jhunix12.hcf.jhu.edu (Zsolt Szabo) writes:
> >>However, not everybody can get a 730 on his math SAT, not having slept
> >>before the test or really actually cared enough about it to open a book
> >>and at least look at example tests.
> >Let me get this straight...  Are you actually bragging about this?
> 
> I know what you mean.  I got a 710, but then I didn't sleep before the
> test, care enough about it to open a book and at least look at sample
> questions, or even know I was taking the SAT until about a week or two
> before the test date, plus I can barely do basic mathematical functions,
> and my cat died the night before.  Oh, and I *am* a girl; math is hard.
> 
> Caitlin


I know what you mean.  I had dropped acid the night before and tried
to trim my eyelashes with pinking shears, so blood kept collecting at
my eyelids and dripping onto the test booklet.  Plus the hormones for
my sex-change operation were just starting to kick in and I was
developing weird distracting hot flashes.  Plus I thought I would be
taking a driver's test for my chauffeur's license; imagine my surprise
at seeing all that math!  And since I'm a space alien from the planet
Zorgon where mathematics is considered immoral, I had to rederive all
axioms of mathematical logic that you earthbeings have developed.

Still I managed a 750.

What's a "cat"?

-Tom

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 17 Feb 1994 10:28:19 -0500
From: Jeff Schwab <jrs@staff.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: Stupidity Article (long)
To: bob

		Indianapolis Star, February 7th, 1994

		Ever Do Anything This Stupid?
			M. L. Lyke
		Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Seattle - Roll over, Darwin.  We've got proof the unfit do
survive.

They may get their tongues stuck to fence posts in the dead of
winter, brush their teeth with spermicide instead of
toothpaste, walk out of public restrooms trailing toilet paper
- but they do survive.

"Twenty-five years ago, I was playing with the car door to see
how close I could get to slamming it on my tongue," says Nancy
Foster Wilson, explaining the missing chunk from her tongue.
"I missed on the sixth try."

The 33-year old mother - yes, Mr. Darwin, she lived and somehow
managed to reproduce - is one of the Post-Intelligencer readers
who sent in their "stupid human tricks" after I confessed to
confusing Super Glue with Murine.

"Oh, joy!" wrote Ethel Johnson, who sprayed her hair with
bathroom deodorant.  "To know I'm not alone!"

Russ Venables admitted his brain was not fully engaged when he
decided to make caramel apples without a candy thermometer.
The recipe required heating the caramel to 500 degrees
Fahrenheit.  How to test it?

"Stick your finger in," said his sister-in-law.

Right.  He stuck it in.  He screamed.  And then he inserted
finger in mouth.  "Weeks later, the blisters on my fingers and
in my mouth went away.  There was no lasting damage," said
Venables.

"It's just one of those really stupid things you do."

Hello?  Mr. Darwin?

*It's a syndrome*

Further evidence for the survival of the unfittest is what
doctors call the "right-place, wrong-thing" syndrome.

One patient Super-Glued lips (right place) together, thinking
it was lip balm (wrong thing).  Another used the miracle
stickum to apply false eyelashes.

Even more painful was the case of a man with a big thirst who
managed to swallow porcupine quills.  His kids had been saving
them in a glass of water.

He must have paused to ponder this dictum:  What goes in must
come out.

That was the incomplete thinking of a man who gulped down three
$50 bills when attacked by a mugger.  "He came in because he
wanted them back," says Dr. Ted Johnson, emergency room doctor
at Virginia Mason Hospital in Seattle.

Panicked patients who've swallowed their contact lenses have
asked the same thing.

Johnson has even discovered a Bic pen stuck in a bladder.  "It
still wrote afterward," he said.

Patients are often mortified by their flum-bubbery.  A portly
handyman showed up at Seattle's Group Health Cooperative
complaining he'd taken a fall - out the back door.

The back door?

Pressed for data, Mr. Fix-It finally 'fessed up.  He had
forgotten he'd torn off his back porch.

"And that was two years ago," announced his wife.

Such cosmic oopsies can be as dangerous as they are
humiliating.  Dr Judy Street, at Group Health emergency room,
remembers treating a man who fell from a tree and broke his
ankle.  "He was sitting on a limb, using his chain saw, and he
cut the limb he was sitting on," says Street.  "He just didn't
think."

Life imitating a Hanna-Barbera cartoon?  "You wonder sometimes
how people manage to do these things to themselves," says
Street.

*Doctors not immune*

She has a few questions for herself, too.  Putting up Christmas
lights outside her hose, Street slipped off the ladder and
gasped - with a mouthful of nails.  Two ended up in her
stomach.

"I didn't want to come into the emergency room," she says.  "I
felt so stupid."

Nancy Hogan's a survivor - and she's still laughing.

She was eating dinner.  It wasn't her dinner.

"Greedily remembering the scalloped oysters from the night
before, I grabbed a bowl from the fridge shelf and heated the
contents.  I couldn't help noticing, as I ate, how deadly flat
the food tasted.  No matter how much salt, pepper, and ketchup
I poured on, it was blah! blah!.  It had all the gusto of damp
papier-mache," she wrote to the Post-Intelligencer.

"Being a member of the Clean Plate Club, I polished off every
lousy morsel."

That's when she discovered she had eaten Rainier's food.

Rainier is her dog, a 94-pound Great Pyrenees.

"As I fell asleep that night, my feet were twitching under the
covers and I was whimpering a lot," said Hogan.

She signed her letter, "Certifiably yours."

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Feb 94 19:30:05 EST
From: marc@watson.ibm.com (Marc Auslander)
Subject: Time and Tides
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

The Canberra Times
                    CORRECTION
For some considerable time, The Canberra Times has been publishing the
wrong tide times for Narooma.  The error has been in arithmetical
calculation in this office of the difference between tide times at
Fort Denison as published in standard tide tables and times at
Narooma.  The error, the source of which is lost in antiquity, was
discovered last week when the editor, relying on The Canberra Times
figures, was swept out to sea.  But he managed to return to shore -
and ordered this correction.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 17:25:01 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: useful words
To: spaf

[2 fwds deleted]

The complete list from John Train's column, in turn stolen from John Julius 
Norwich's "Cracker"

"Yan garkua" (Hausa)
Professional beggars living by threatening to do obscene acts unless given 
alms.

Dhauncha (Hindustani)
The sum of four times a number or quantity added to its half; the pahara, or 
multiplication table of 4.5

Uguisu no tani-watari (Japanese)
1. A nightingale jumping back and forth over a narrow alley; 2. One man in bed 
with two women [Poetic! J.T.]

Sakasa-kurage (japanese)
1. An upside down jellyfish; 2. One-night stand hotel

Komaria (Kikuyu)
To touch somebody reprovingly or threateningly with a stick and say "wee!"

Ruuka (Kikuyu)
To become uncircumcised [!]

Binesk (Kurdish)
What remains of a bar of soap when it is nearly used up

Malito (Sesuto)
Something that a person lets fall and that his cousin can pick up and keep if 
the owner does not say "ngaele"

Akshauhiai (Sinhalese)
Army consisting of 21870 elephants, 21870 chariots, 65610 horses, and 109350 
foot soldiers.

Hatinafsi (Swahili)
Used of a person taking an action without consulting anybody because he thinks 
they may try to persuade him not to do it.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Feb 1994 17:36:48 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: winter olympic events
To: spaf

Luge Jump
Figure Luging
Downhill Speed Skating 
Cross Country Figure Skating
Short Track Ice Dancing (metal batons optional)
Ice Whining

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------