[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V4 #10 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 25 Mar 94 Volume 4 : Issue 10
Today's Topics:
.signature of the month
[sci.math,...]
[yucky stuff] Zsolt Szabo is DEAD!!!
Account locking policies.
alt.sex.math?????????
Come back, Walt, all is forgiven
down here on the right side of the Mason-Dixon line
Durian
food launchings, part III
groan
Help KILL rec.music.rem!
If an Operating System Ran Your Airline
I hate unix
IslandSig
kebbie, quotes and crotches
mixed metaphors and other malapropisms...
more LC subject heading changes
Nintendo jokes
Overheard
Programmer humor
Public Service Announcement
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Removal of Ca deposits from soft C/L's
RISKs of e-clowning around (an apology)
sc2000
seen on alt.humor.best-of-usenet
sig of the picosecond
The butcher and the dog
The power of words.
the sex chain letter
The Sound of Telecomm $$$
UNIX is broken
Wow, It's HOT!
Yucks: Mixed messages (info-highway roadkill)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Mar 94 15:36:08 CST
From: prudence!mejac!uu.psi.com!deltos!track29!forsythe@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Charles Forsythe)
Subject: .signature of the month
To: eniac
- - - --
* \ Nancy! Skate back here! --- O *
* O/ I only want to talk --- /|\ *
* /| to you. Honest. ----- /\ *
* /\ -- = = *
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Mar 94 22:36:55 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: [sci.math,...]
To: spaf
In article T.Moore@massey.ac.nz writes:
>In article <2lgpet$n94@scunix2.harvard.edu>, rmaimon@husc9.Harvard.EDU (Ron
>Maimon) wrote:
>
>> It is impossible to build a computer that will decide whether or not
>> exp(pi) is rational or not.
>
>Is it?
No, it isn't. I have just written a computer program that decides this
question correctly. In fact, I have two computer programs. One
of them prints out " exp(pi) is rational" and the other prints out
"exp(pi) is irrational". Certainly, one of them has decided the
question correctly. Unfortunately I don't know which one.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Mar 1994 16:05:21 -0600
From: skip@cy.cs.olemiss.edu (Skip Sauls) (by way of werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig))
Subject: [yucky stuff] Zsolt Szabo is DEAD!!!
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
JOHNS HOPKINS (ANP) - Zsolt Szabo, the self-proclaimed genius who has
gained notoriety for his absurd net postings, was found dead today
at his terminal. Cause of death is unknown, but police detectives
believe that he may have suffered from an overdose of EGO, a new
and highly addictive narcotic. An autopsy has been ordered, but
there is little chance of finding anything as the brain is usually
consumed. Amazingly, the drug allows the person to continue to
live, although admittedly in a severly reduced capacity, for up to
2 days after the last traces of the brain have degenerated.
Police have been perusing the last few articles posted by the
late Mr. Szabo on a computer bulletin board, referred to only as
"that advocacy thing" by the detectives. A search of his apartment
also turned up several photographs of a fashion model that he has
apparently been stalking for the past few months. The only other
evidence that the press was allowed access to was a series of words
drawn in human feces on the wall of the deceased's apartment. Most
of the words suggest an anal-fixation and are not printable here, but
there were several that appear to be code words, including "730",
"mbyte", and others. Police speculate that the former was the time
that the deceased finally expired and that the latter was in reference
to some sort of sado-masochistic sexual implement.
Although very little information can be found about EGO, there is
increasing speculation that it may have been around longer than some
suspect. Each canister of EGO, which is a gas, has the letters "JY"
engraved on it, along with the picture of what appears to be some
sort of bird, perhaps a falcon. Unlike some narcotic gases, EGO is
not an inhalant, at least in the traditional sense. The nozzle is
acutally inserted into the anus and the gas is release into the
intestines for absorption. This admitttedly bizzare method may be
the cause of the intense anal-fixation exhibited by users in the
final stages of the addiction.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Mar 1994 12:21:52 +0000
From: paul@fusion.demon.co.uk (Paul Ashton)
Subject: Account locking policies.
Newsgroups: comp.security.unix
In article <2168@rook.ukc.ac.uk> jdw5@ukc.ac.uk (J.D.Watson) writes:
:
:In article <CMt2o6.E4y@aston.ac.uk>, David Brain <braindl@aston.ac.uk> wrote:
:>For an interesting account locking policy how about.....
:>
:>After a recent "incedent" on our system, the systems
:>administration locked the account of the user involved,
:>his brother, his freinds, and several other seemingly
:>unrelated people. This could be considered a slight
:>over-reatcion?
:
:Thats nothing At one place I worked, (not UKC) a guy was involved in something
:slightly dubious :), and his a/c suspended the a/cs of *ALL* his workmates,
:people who came from the same town, and anyone who worked for the organisation
:with the same surname.
*YOU WERE LUCKY*!. When I wuz a lad, I ls'ed /etc and the sysadmin suspended
my account, all my friends, relatives, workmates and countrymen, deleted
every file on every disk of every user that had an 'e' in it (somewhere),
changed the password of every account to a random unrecorded string
(containing nulls), dd'ed /dev/zero to each disk and all back up tapes....
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Mar 94 14:06:51 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: alt.sex.math?????????
To: spaf
(an38115@anon.penet.fi) wrote:
The Mandelbrot set, a thinly disguised pudendum covered in pubic hair, is
now being shown to young impressionable students all over this country,
in full frontal color. In math class, of all places! Where will these
perverts stop.
Repeat after me: Moral decay is good.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Mar 94 14:03:39 CST
From: emcguire@intellection.com (Ed McGuire)
Subject: Come back, Walt, all is forgiven
To: spaf
Mar 15, 1994 13:30 from Leko
Walt Disney officials are looking for those responsible for placing X-rated
scenesinto the laserdisc version of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Thousands of
already sold discs have full frontal nude shots of the cartoon character
Jessica Rabbit and graffiti listing the phine number for a brothel which is in
reality head Disney-honcho Michael Eisner's home phone number.
Source; UIHC Noonews Sheet quoting New York Daily News
[Late Breaking News> msg #617
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Mar 1994 17:08:04 -0500 (EST)
From: Paul Thublin <paul@sware.com>
Subject: down here on the right side of the Mason-Dixon line
To: spaf
Heard on a talk radio program last night about Georgia writers:
The question was posed to a supporter of keeping the old Georgia state
flag (it's the Confederate Battle Flag, for any ignorant bluecoats up
there, and we recently considered changing it because it was thought to
be racially discriminatory):
"So why did the South need a Civil War battle flag
anyway? The North didn't have one."
"Well, you see, that's because the South is a place,
and the North is just a direction out of the South."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Mar 1994 02:04:44 -0500
From: richard@panchax.gryphon.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Subject: Durian
To: eniac
What an odd fruit the durian is. I've read that smells literally
like shit, but has a wonderful flavour.
I was at a vietnamese restaurant today and had a durian drink; it's
just durian and ice pureed to death. It is one of the most disgusting
aromas I've ever encountered. It's kind of like garbage, and it's a
very powerful smell. You can detect it across the room.
The taste is a little strange. It's a bit like cheramoya, for those who
have tasted it - a sort of blend of pineapple, coconut, cream and apple.
Except in the case of the durian, you add paint thinner and dogshit.
My guess is durian contains one of the esters presant in decaying
garbage, and by some evolutionay quirk, the plant is using it to
it's advantage. It smells like it would give you colon cancer
in 10 minutes flat.
I can't say the taste is unpleaseant. I can't say the taste is pleasant.
The aroma is truly awful though, and burping after lunch, all you get
is durian smell, and it's bad, really bad. It reminds me of the bizarre
thing that seems to happen to me about every 4 years or so when my
body refuses to digest meat. I burp these horrid sulphurous burps
that have to be meat decaying, not digesting. Thats durian.
Delicacy my ass. Hell, it's worse than Tofu.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Mar 94 03:39:51 CST
From: prudence!mejac!uu.psi.com!deltos!track29!forsythe@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Charles Forsythe)
Subject: food launchings, part III
To: eniac
>Thanks for the news of the potato launch, but to tell you the truth, we
>had broken the barriers of organic rocketry and produce propulsion (and
>documented them on tape) by successfully launching a cucumber, using a
>C engine a month before we launched the Spam....
This is, sadly, far from the "barriers of organic rocketry." My newly-
acquired room-mate, Ryan, who is an SRL "graduate" brought with him a
bazooka-sized air cannon which can launch a clump of frozen Spam through
a car body.
We don't know how FAR it will go, by our new Fair Park address probably puts
us in shelling distance of the 1994 World Cup Soccer Championships location.
<Ominous laugh>.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 1994 15:52:50 +0000 (GMT)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: groan
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
>
>
> Fe---Fe
> / \ / \
> Fe----0----Fe
> \ / \ / Yes !!! It's a ferrous wheel !!!
> Fe---Fe
>
------------------------------
Date: 16 Mar 1994 02:30:06 GMT
From: bobking@well.sf.ca.us (Robert P. King)
Subject: Help KILL rec.music.rem!
Newsgroups: rec.music.misc,news.groups
I had a dog, he was a toy poodle, his name was Puddles.
He was a mean dog and terrorized the Neighborhood. He would run around and
bark and Nip at people's Heels, and they would jump up on the Hoods of
cars to get away.
One day my dad gave Puddles away, but he failed to tell us. We didn't notice
for two weeks. Then he told us.
We cried and cried. And cried.
And cried some more.
My moral? Simply this: There is a JUDGMENT coming down on America! Or should
that be called a JUDD-gment? Should Ashley Judd get a nosejob and begin
starring in the next six "Police Academy" movies while holding down
part-time jobs dancing in the aisles at Pizza Hut, entertaining the troops
just returned from the Macedonian War begun at the behest of Bill Clinton
to (successfully) divert public attention from the shocking revelations
that nearly $800,000 of funds laundered through the Madison Guaranty Savings
& Loan by the Whitewater Development Corp. actually went to the clothing
fund of one Gennifer "Snookums" Flowers, who is actually Rush Limbaugh's
ex-wife (hence the enmity between RL and WHC, and the reason Rush turned
to food to soothe the pain of his ochen-broken heart) -- I mean, SHOULD
SHE?!!!! SHOULD SHE!!!!!! If she does, what becomes of the little orphans,
those Rumanian "angels" everyone was so bleeding sorry for all those years
ago? Do they become the scum you wipe with derision from your heel onto
your doorstoop, the glistening drop of spit you deposit in a circular motion
atop the tippy head of each freaking BLADE OF GODDAMN GRASS in that
stinking, English-manor-style goddamn lawn of yours? WHY SHOULD THEY?!!!!
I say it again: WHY THE HELL SHOULD THEY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd add something constructive at this point -- but as Bob Dole said on
television the other night, "I don't have the time!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Mar 94 11:39:58 CST
From: prudence!mejac!uu.psi.com!deltos!track29!forsythe@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Charles Forsythe)
Subject: If an Operating System Ran Your Airline
To: eniac
OS/2 2.0 Airline:
You arrive at the newly-refurnished terminal with all the ameneties
including a decent snack bar that's not overpriced. The airplanes are all
new and the latest design. Unfortunately, there's only one flight and it
goes to Arkadelphia Arkansas, but you are, however, granted free transfers
onto Windows Airline if you need to go somewhere else.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 1994 11:15:02 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: I hate unix
To: spaf
>Path: news.cs.brandeis.edu!noc.near.net!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.ans.net!news.nynexst.com!fawcett
>From: fawcett@nynexst.com (Tom Fawcett)
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
>Subject: Re: I hate unix
>Date: 16 Mar 1994 00:18:37 GMT
>Organization: The practical transmission of speech
>Lines: 19
>Message-ID: <FAWCETT.94Mar15191837@lethe.nynexst.com>
>References: <ceejCMHK1x.916@netcom.com> <2lqnre$kgb@news.tamu.edu>
> <2lqqn5$lnd@reznor.larc.nasa.gov> <2lreur$nif@crcnis1.unl.edu>
> <CMnx8p.5FA@tegra.com> <JOSHUA.94Mar15062753@sleepy.retix.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: lethe.nynexst.com
>In-reply-to: joshua@sleepy.retix.com's message of 15 Mar 1994 14:27:53 GMT
joshua@sleepy.retix.com (joshua geller) writes:
> > Hex displays? Can't you count in binary? What's wrong with a row of
> > LEDs? Toggle switches and LEDs - now THERE's a user interface.
>
> > LED's? we didn't have LEDs. we had miniature light bulbs. then when
> > you debuged your program you were never really sure about zeros. was
> > it really zero or was the bulb burnt out? ones were much more
> > certain.
>
> light bulbs? you had light bulbs? we had little oil lamps lit by the
> rough edges of the babbage wheels scraping against flint. fourteen
> undergrads were kept busy 24 hours a day topping them off.
We had rocks. We had saltwater. We had rusty razor blades balanced
precariously on shellfish spines. Primitive logic circuits by the
ocean's sharp edge. One afternoon we managed to set up an entire
network of gates, and for a few brief moments we calculated
half-additions and logical consequents. Then the tide came in.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 11:22:05 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: IslandSig
To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III), spaf (Gene Spafford)
I got this .sig via Susan Liebeskind.
|> Kennita Watson | We cannot leave our inner islands
|> kwatson@netcom.com | until we have slain our inner Gilligans.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Mar 1994 20:22:18 GMT
From: mel@rottweiler.ee.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone)
Subject: kebbie, quotes and crotches
Newsgroups: alt.flame,alt.fan.kevin-darcy,alt.rissa
Patricia O Tuama <rissa@world.std.com> wrote:
>Well, Mel, what can I say? I have to know something about some-
>one before I can make a good flame of him/her. So, let's get
>acquainted:
I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.
> 2) do you know who phil spector is?
Of course! He was the chief villain in many of the early Bond
films. Perhaps best know for his work in "The Spy Who Would be
my Little Baby", he resurfaced in the 80's with various remakes
such as "Never Say Never, Again." BTW, my favorite line from
that cinematic masterpiece is, "The greatest rapture of my life
was afforded me on a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush." I don't
know why in particular I like it, perhaps because Fatima (Barbara
Carrera) exploded shortly after she said it.
> 3) can you cook in french?
I can unscrew a bottle of Burgundy and dump a pint of heavy cream
into my hamburger helper. Does that count? I could be rude when
serving it, if that helps.
> 4) if carrot cake is orange in color, why is it
> that orange cake isn't carrot in color?
I guess we would have to ask Ponce de Leon. He discovered the orange
whilst searching Florida for a route to the Pacific. Why he choose to
name it after a color I don't know for sure. I have heard that it is
actually a bastardization of the Apache word Oragen, meaning tang-fruit.
If this is true, it would explain the carrot cake paradox.
> 6) what is the worst show on teevee today?
> (hint: Frugal Gourmet)
Wrt the Frugal Gourmet, I kind of like the pepper mill and the deluded
views of various national histories. In fact, "Dr. Quinn, Medicine
Babe", featuring the lovely Jane Seymour, is worse. The show is set in
an old west town whose collective IQ only slightly exceeds that of a
small bag of rocks. Each week the plot delivers messages such as: drugs
are bad, racism is bad, and sexism is bad, all with the subtlety of a
BATF raid.
> 7) please translate the following into Spanish.
> `Ach cen ait a bhfeadfadh muid an talamh a
> cheannacht?' a deir bean eile.
With pleasure.
La otra mujer dice, "Porque el tierra hace la musica extrana y triste?"
For those of you with no knowledge of either tongue, it says:
"I can eat a bearded maid and tomale each night" - a dear bean island.
[insert flame here]
Melvin M. Gladstone
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Mar 94 09:23:53 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: mixed metaphors and other malapropisms...
To: spaf
> > This is a collection I am starting. If you have been involved in a
> > mixed metaphor (either as a receipient or speaker) or an outregeous
> > misspeak please send them to me...
Two of my favorites:
Take the bull by the tail and face the situation. [Indeed!]
Irregardless. [A word that will impress every single idiot in the room.]
Rex
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Mar 94 15:02:50 EST
From: CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu
Subject: more LC subject heading changes
To: eniac
In the continuing battle to streamline and standardize
subject headings, the Library of Congress frequently
sacrifices charm, history, and worthwhile distinctions;
and sometimes sense. Some casualties from the Fall '93
Bulletin:
CONFECTIONERY -- APPLIANCES, UTENSILS, ETC. has been
subsumed under the all-purpose -- EQUIPMENT AND SUPPLIES
They've done away with -- CURIOSA AND MISCELLANY
We can now have INDUCED SPAWNING, a coarse subject heading
if ever I saw one;
You can no longer subdivide MACHINERY with -- CURIOUS DEVICES.
You can no longer have DICTATORS' WIVES. You must now have
DICTATORS' SPOUSES. Are we hoping for gender parity, here?
Is this social engineering?
same for ADMIRALS' WIVES.
Clearing the decks for change, PRESIDENTS' WIVES - UNITED STATES
and VICE PRESIDENTS' WIVES - UNITED STATES have been anticipatorially
changed to SPOUSES;
However, they resisted the impulse to make SHOGUNS -- WIVES
into SHOGUNS' SPOUSES. There is a limit to what even LC
can imagine, I am glad to note.
They have taken the trouble to change FRANCE -- EMPRESSES
to EMPRESSES -- FRANCE. To make more room on the shelf?
Are we expecting to get some more in??
A social pecking order of minorities may be reflected in the
change from GAY AFRO-AMERICAN ACTORS to AFRO-AMERICAN GAY ACTORS.
(did one of them complain?)
They have changed the heading, GREY KANGAROO
to EASTERN GREY KANGAROO; but it wasn't to make room for a
WESTERN GREY KANGAROO, ca n'existe pas ...
In the interest of brevity and succinctness, the
SACCO-VANZETTI CASE has been changed to the
SACCO-VANZETTI TRIAL, DEDHAM, MASS., 1921
(Is this in case there's a retrial?)
They've done away with CHARWOMEN. You must now use
CLEANING PERSONNEL or BUILDING CLEANING INDUSTRY.
I worry about the fact that they're tinkering with
CHILD MOLESTING -- RELIGIOUS ASPECTS. They've made it
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE -- RELIGIOUS ASPECTS. But does child
molesting or abuse *have* religious aspects? They don't
ask themselves that.
Practitioners of Santeria must be gaining social influence.
SANTERIA (CULT) is now SANTERIA.
Candomble is still CANDOMBLE (CULT), though. You can't
take your eye off those Brazilians for one minute. They
don't have real religions there, you know. Besides, they're black.
#######%%%%%%%%###########
This season's Subject Headings as Indicators of the Trends
in Contemporary Life include the following new headings:
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE BY SCOUT LEADERS
CLOSETED GAYS
FALSE MEMORY SYNDROME
FEMINIST ARCHAEOLOGY
FUZZY LOGIC
MALE FRIENDSHIP
NAIL ART (MANICURING)
POCKET COMPUTERS
ROADKILLS (typical of LC to get that wrong)
TAILHOOK SCANDAL 1991-1993 (to distinguish it from the
*next* Tailhook scandal)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Mar 94 21:51:34 EST
From: "Steve R. White" <srwhite@watson.ibm.com>
Subject: Nintendo jokes
To: chess@watson.ibm.com, barnold@watson.ibm.com, morar@watson.ibm.com, randy@eng.sun.com, spaf
I know. They're not funny. At the very least, they need to be
delivered verbally (with appropriate timing) and not e-mailed. But,
just for the sake of recording them somewhere ...
What do you call a home video game that you play by accident?
Unintendo.
... that you only think you play?
Pretendo.
... that has a Christian theme?
Amendo.
... that adds to what you already have?
Appendo.
... that is clearly in poor taste?
Offendo.
... that is played exclusively by prophets?
Portendo.
... that is played sitting down?
Rear-endo.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Mar 1994 08:33:36 EST
From: Chip Seymour <CHIP@bdso.cv.com>
Subject: Overheard
To: spaf
Overheard while in the registration line at night school:
Q: What goes Clup Clup Clup Clup BANG BANG BANG Clup Clup Clup Clup?
A: A drive-by shooting in Amish country.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 94 22:45:13 -0800
From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton)
Subject: Programmer humor
To: to-humor@wiretap.spies.com
[These were written with Mac programmers in mind, but can be applied
elsewhere too...]
##From develop 17:
Craig Prouse, in response to Dave JohnsonÕs question, ÒWhatÕs so interesting
about programming computers, anyway?Ó:
ÒThe reason I program is because IÕm a compulsive problem solver, and my
computer is a never-ending source of problems.Ó
##
You have been chosen to participate in a process that will allow you to
finally finish that dream project you have always wanted to work on.
Below is a list of seven projects currently under development. Write 10
lines of code for the project at the top of the list. Send it to the
email address listed. Remove the top name from the list and add in you
project as item seven. Forward this new message to ten of your
programming buddies. In a few weeks you will receive ten million lines
of code written for your project.
This is not a chain letter! This is a multi-level program development
system. Please to not disrupt the development effort. Ten lines of
code should be pretty easy for and experienced programer like
yourself. Take a bit of time and be part of some really big software.
If you participate your project will soon be complete.
1 Windows NT C++ Bill@microsoft.com
2 WP60/win 8088 Assembler Janitor@Wordperfect.com
3 Cairo Visual Basic Mrs.Gates@microsoft.com
4 HubbleControl Forth Committee@NASA.gov
5 MarsObserver 8088 Assembler NutherCommittee@lostinspace
6 96Voteware Cobol Hilary@whitehouse.gov
7 TraficControl Fortran Joe@redlight.com
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Mar 1994 13:56:48 -0600 (CST)
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: Public Service Announcement
To: eniac
i realize a lot of people here have already seen this but for those
of you who haven't:
Article: 1410 of alt.fan.kevin-darcy
Newsgroups: alt.fan.sir-chomps-a-lot,talk.bizarre,alt.flame,alt.censorship,alt.college.food,alt.culture.internet,alt.drugs,alt.evil,alt.fan.kevin-darcy,alt.food,alt.freedom.of.information.act,alt.newbie,alt.non.sequitur,alt.flame,misc.test,alt.org.food-not-bombs,rec.food.cooking,alt.spam.tin,alt.spleen,alt.stupidity,alt.tasteless,misc.kids,rec.arts.marching.drumcorps,alt.cosuard,alt.fan.dave_barry,alt.rock-n-roll
From: tqh8j@virginia.edu (Thurston Howell, III)
Subject: Re: Public Service Announcement
Message-ID: <CM06B0.LLF@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>
Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 20:30:36 GMT
mel@rottweiler.ee.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone) writes:
>The best flavor of Hamburger Helper is salsbury. It is better than the
>various stroganoffs and certainly better than beefy noodle or any of
>the "cheesy" series.
I just don't see how you can make such a sweeping statement
without looking at the facts: nearly 15% of American households
cannot afford Salisbury H.H., and almost 30% more only have access
to Creamy Broccoli Tuna Helper and Three Cheese H.H. What I want
to know is when the hell is America gonna wake up and SMELL THE
DAMN COFFEE?! How the hell are we going to feed our nation when
nutritious mealtime convenience is only fully accessible to 55% of
the population?
I'm sick and tired of hearing blowhards like Rush Limbaugh,
Bill Clinton, and Kathie Lee Gifford rail against those
'undeserving' of H.H. We are pawning our children's future in the
name of "Politically Correct" indiscriminate deficit reduction
cuts. Do we really want to see in 20 years an America with a
national healthcare system in which only the privileged can "let
simmer, uncovered, for 12-15 min or until all liquid is absorbed?"
Just my $0.02.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Mar 1994 04:20:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Virtual memory is for weenies!" --Seymour Cray
Submitted by: alex@poa.poweropen.org
Feb. 12, 1994
The submitter notes:
"Virtual memory" (VM) is a system feature wherein the operating
system manipulates user programs' perceptions of system memory.
In a virtual memory environment, user programs are less likely to
run out of memory, because the operating system can "create" more
for them as needed; hence with VM, most of the work of memory
management is moved from user programs to the operating system. On
the one hand, there can be some slight performance penalty
associated with the overhead of centralized memory management. On
the other hand, this is made up for in most cases by reduced
programming time and better scalability; in some cases, a given
program will simply not run on a given machine without virtual
memory.
To me, Cray's quote is the computer science equivalent of "Real
men use straight razors."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 1994 04:20:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from the Winnipeg Free Press:
DATELINE: LONDON
A British man was found guilty yesterday of having
sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently
shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of
a marriage ceremony.
The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend
to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of
him in sex acts with a neighbor's bull terrier named Ronnie.
Quote for the Day Discussion Groups may choose between one of
two topics:
- Isn't it interesting that we're allowed to kill and eat
animals, but not have sex with them? (Notice that exactly
the opposite rules apply to people.)
- Given the probable scene at the reception, what does the
addition of further legal punishment imply about the
consciences of the British judiciary?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 1994 06:53:41 GMT
From: msb@netcom.com (Mark S. Bilk)
Subject: Removal of Ca deposits from soft C/L's
Newsgroups: sci.optics,sci.med
In article <JASPERT.94Jan21154407@carlyle.cogsci.ed.ac.uk> jaspert@cogsci.ed.ac.uk (Jasper Taylor) writes:
>First...MEGA DISCLAIMER!!...I accept no responsibility for the results
>of any procedures people might be tempted to carry out as a result of
>reading this post.
>
>But I finally managed to remove the calcium deposits from my soft
>contact lenses! Having tried and failed to do this with lemon juice, I
>got some distilled malt vinegar (also known as spirit vinegar). This
>is a strongly acidic colourless liquid used for cooking and other
>household purposes. My bottle said '5% acidity' which could mean
>either 5% acetic acid by volume, or 5% ionization (about pH 1.3).
Isn't this the stuff they use for etching glass?
>Almost giving up, I went to 100c for an hour. The results were
>extraordinary.
>
>The lens pot had changed shape, and needed a wrench to open. Inside,
>the cradle that held the lenses had twisted out of shape, and most of
>the acid had leaked out into the heating bath. The vinegary smell was
>everywhere, and lingered for a long time. Throwing the acid away
>caused the metal plug hole of my sink to turn green.
It's now burning its way toward the center of the Earth.
You have meddled with things that Mankind was not meant to know!
>But the calcium
>deposits had gone -- the lenses were as clean as the day I got them.
...and glowing with a strange pulsating light.
>The shape of the right lens also seems a bit
>irregular now, possibly deformed by the heat,
But on the plus side, it is now able to crawl into your eye
all by itself.
>After rinsing them with several changes of saline over 12 hours I
>tried them out. They now feel much more comfortable than they did, but
>the vision in my right eye is a bit intermittent.
Yes, that's usually how it begins. The prognosis in cases
like this is serious. Over the next two weeks you will slowly
transform into a scaly green mutant hell-beast with eyes the
size of soccer balls.
But it's not all grim--you'll also enjoy an uncontrollable urge
to suck out the pituitary glands of nude young women, preferably
exotic dancers.
>So...I'll post again if any dramatic changes occur!
Don't worry about it--by that time your claws won't be able to
work the keys. Just wreak havoc; we'll know it's you!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 94 10:53:42 CST
From: m5@vail.tivoli.com (Mike McNally)
Subject: RISKs of e-clowning around (an apology)
To: spaff
[ Note: This is intended for the readership of YUCKS digest; I was
told this is an appropriate address thereto. ]
A couple months ago, there were some temporary networking problems in
Texas as a result of some re-configuration work at a major routing hub
(Rice, though I cast no aspersion). A nice note was broadcast by Mr.
Jeff Hayward at The University of Texas explaining the situation; he
had nothing whatsoever to do with the outage itself.
In a mood of flippancy (the network outage didn't have any real impact
on my life; it only lasted a little while anyway), I edited the note
and added a "translation" in the vein of my generally stupid sense of
humor. The composition, unfortunately, included Mr. Hayward's name.
I sent the note around a local (to Tivoli) distribution, but it
somehow escaped to the outside world where it has assumed a life of
its own. I'd just like to say to any who read it to keep in mind that
(1) it's a joke and (2) Mr. Hayward had nothing to do with the outage
other than to be the unfortunate and unintended victim of the joke.
Sheesh. I'm tempted to make Yet Another Dumb Information Superhighway
joke, but I won't press my luck :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 94 23:30 CST
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: sc2000
To: eniac
alright, i've read the damned manual twice and i can't figure
out how to delete electric pipes and water pipes after i've
put them in. i also can't figure out how to delete water towers
and police stations and water pumps and i would really appreci-
ate any tips anyone may have
there's a great computer-generated index that appears to have
been taken directly from the sub-headings of each individual
chapters. included are the following terms:
About this manual 3
Dealing with disaster 121-129
Easy, medium and hard games 97
Inside the simulation 97-118
Nuclear meltdown 123
Oops 124
Reference 45-124
Shift-click 7
The Monster 124 (in with the T's naturally)
What makes a (Sim)City? 8-9
and my favorite:
Who are you and what are you doing? 46
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Mar 1994 09:21:25 +0000 (GMT)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: seen on alt.humor.best-of-usenet
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: notbay@notgandalf.notrutgers.notedu (Not Joe Bay)
Newsgroups: alt.security
Subject: Anonymous (forged) posting
Sender: bay@gandalf.rutgers.edu
Sorry for my really uninformed question, but I'd like to know if
anyone knows the port of the NNTP daemon. I'm interested in performing
illegal activities, including drug deals, child pornography, and selling
national-security-compromising information to hostile nations, but I
don't want everyone to know about it.
Begin PGP Public CIA attracting key block
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
FBI-CIA-KGB-NSA-BCCI-DIA-DEA-FEMA-KKK-FOIA-CONTRA-TRILAT-BATF-INS-IRS-MI5
MICHAEL JACKSON-CJE-5-NAMBLA-JFK-RFK-MLK-MKULTRA-COINTELPRO-ILLUMINATI-P2
THC Cill my landlord YOG-CFR-ADL-BLUEBIRD-OSS-ONI-SOE-BIS-MOSSAD-AIDS
CIA Cill my landlord IA!IA!-THULE-ARTICHOKE-OTO-NSA-BILDERBERGER-40 CTTE
VAI Cill my landlord SOTHOTH-SLA-SHOGGOTHS-SDI-INSLAW-TESLA-LAROUCHE-TSS
HI, I'M SATAN-ENJOY THE FILM-JIM JONES-GURDJIEFF-ABSWEHR-T.4-WACO-CROWLEY
HERE I GO-VROOM-HAUNTING TORGO THEME-RHIC/EDOM-PANDORA-CAN-ENIGMA-BEARDEN
GHELEN-SPETZNAZ-SS-MASONS-ODESSA-TAVISTOCK-WFMH-REUCHELIN-EUGENICS-OCCULT
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End (really bad) encryption
Thanks,
Not Joe Bay
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Mar 1994 18:26:14 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: sig of the picosecond
To: spaf
Newsgroups: ne.forsale
Subject: Scientific Graphing Calculator For Sale!
From: Corwyn Miyagishima <cmiyagis@husc.harvard.edu>
Date: 9 Mar 94 01:38:17 GMT
[....]
+------------------+
Corwyn Yasuo Miyagishima |\ o |\
Harvard University, '96 | \ \o_ | \
cmiyagis@husc.harvard.edu (UNIX) | \ \ | \
cmiyagis@husc3.harvard.edu (VMS) | \ \\ | \
USA '94
[So, is this shot-put, volleyball, or really bad bowling? --Pat]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 19:30:09 EST
From: nigel@kathunk.phaedrav.on.ca (Nigel M Burnett)
Subject: The butcher and the dog
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I heard this at a folk festival in Orkney this summer. Try to read it
in a Scots accent - that's the way it was spoken.
A butcher is leaning on the counter towards the close of day when a
wee dog wi' a basket in its jaws comes pushin' through the door.
"An' wot's this then?", he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply
into the butcher's shins. "You li'tle bugger." As he reaches down
to smack the dog, he notices a note and a tenner in the basket.
[A tenner is ten pounds sterling - about Cdn$20]
The scribble on the note asks for 3 pounds of his best mince [ground
beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window
and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog grrrrrrrs at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at
the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about
2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a
bit shy. Who'll know?". Again the dog growls menacingly. "All right,
all right", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out,
drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a fiver. The dog
threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the
basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup
home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift
button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th
floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket
on the door. The door opens, the dog's owner screams abuse at the
dog and then tries to kick the dog inside. "Hey, what are you doing?
That's a really smart dog you've got there". "Stoopid dog - that's
the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 12:26 GMT
From: scott@shrug.org (Scott A. McIntyre)
Subject: The power of words.
To: spaf
There is apparently a court case going on in the United States at the moment
involving a woman who claims to have a disorder known as "conversion hysteria"
which has one rather crucial symptom in her case:
She faints whenever she hears the word sex.
The court case centres around an alleged sexual assault performed by a
neighbour who knew of her "problem" and caused her to lose consciousness by
invoking the word. At several times during her opening testimony she made
herself pass out by saying "the phrase that pays."
Apparently it is not just the word "sex" which triggers her fainting spell, but
a list of 26 other words, including, but not limted to: "morning sickness",
"anorexia" and "Karen Carpenter".
One shudders to imagine this woman playing charades.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 1994 13:22:18 -0500 (EST)
From: Quang Tran nguyen - EENG/F93 <qtranngu@hermes.acs.ryerson.ca>
Subject: the sex chain letter
To: one of our correspondents
After he passed his letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got
his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of
orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but,
because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When
they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they
showed to his neighbours. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers
were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to
circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine
gave him three condoms for the price of one.
Do note the following: Herbert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few
days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than
he had ever paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter
on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent
down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he
got a great view. His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass
on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the
ass by a desperate bull when he bent over.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and
forgot that it had to leave his hands in 96 hours. His wife then went
bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding
the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a
wife and discovered
that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him
like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the
letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he
spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to
her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on,
but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems
including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her
futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not
leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a
man with a 10-inch penis.
You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of
receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more
fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.
Enjoy. . .
Bye!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Mar 1994 17:11:36 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: The Sound of Telecomm $$$
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
Tracey Fox said...
|...some of you may have already received this information, but I find it
|too twisted to resist-
|
|call this number- you won't believe it.
|
| 800-969-4874
|
|Bizarre is too simple a way to describe this "service" being provided by
|one of our largest telecommunications organs.
We won't worry about which organ, but let me assure
you that most earth-based humanoids don't have it.
Almost enough to get me to switch to MCI!
[This is serious folks -- give it a call. I tried it, and found
it pretty silly. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 17:08:14 -0500
From: Abhijit Chaudhari <abhijit@sware.com>
Subject: UNIX is broken
To: spaf
The online Webster's dictionary on NeXTSTEP 3.0 offers this gem when asked to
define UNIX:
| Word: UNIX
| No definition for 'UNIX'. Maybe you mean:
| 1. unfix ...
| ...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Mar 94 16:27:49 CST
From: shoe@tivoli.com (Mark Shoemaker)
Subject: Wow, It's HOT!
To: bob
----- Begin Included Message -----
Topic: Nomination: world's least necessary 800 number
Author: Mark Colan
Category: MCI seems to have lost it's mind.
(from the big net in the sky:)
In case you haven't seen or heard this yet, MCI has created the
wackiest, most useless 800 number around. I can't describe it except
to say you must call:
1-800-969-4874 [1-800-WOW-IT'S-HOT] (from a touchtone phone).
Very Pink, and yet Slackful. I call on my speaker phone and let the
dulcet tones fill my office with ... oh, you'll see ... and it's FREE!
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Mar 1994 15:49:50 CST
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com>
Subject: Yucks: Mixed messages (info-highway roadkill)
To: SPAF
I am asking for YOUR HELP on a PROJECT!!!
I am making a MOVIE and I need shots of a woman CLICKING a computer
MOUSE BUTTON and DRAGGING a WINDOW!!! I only need the woman's HAND
shown, but it MUST be WEARING a CLEAR PLASTIC GLOVE!!! She must
be really PRESSING the BUTTON!!!
If you can HELP me out, I'll help You MAKE MONEY Really FAST!!!
This is a SERIOUS request!!! Please HELP if you can!!!
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
Rob't. "SHIFTY" McIllwane
B.S., Folk Literature, Oxbridge
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Mar 94 18:29:54 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
To: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
On the difference between Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding:
"Kerrigan seems to be kind of distant and remote to me, the kind of
girl who would break up with you long distance. Tonya would break up
with you by dousing your car with lighter fluid and setting it on
fire."
Comedian Jeff Cesario as quoted by Tom FitzGerald in his San Francisco
Chronicle column.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Mar 94 18:26:33 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
To: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I think my favorite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you
make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then
you continue on. In most of the world, it is known as the biathlon,
except in New Your City, where it is known as winter."
Michael Ventre of the L.A. Daily News, as quoted by Tom FitzGerald in
his San Francisco Chronicle column.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------