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Yucks Digest V4 #7
Yucks Digest Mon, 28 Feb 94 Volume 4 : Issue 7
Today's Topics:
[crespinr@vrinet.com: Pour this man another beer]
AOL slam
CS graduate school ranking
Hello?
HOMOSEXUALITY IS GOD'S WILL
MAKE.TENURE.FAST
Managed Caring(tm)
Mmmmhhhh! What's for dessert?!
Old Iranian Proverb
One for the "don't try this at home file"
Quote of the day
THIS is a great quote.
Witty definition of your programming language
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 15:46:28 -0800
From: rich_durant@rainbow.mentorg.com (Rich Durant)
Subject: [crespinr@vrinet.com: Pour this man another beer]
To: spaf
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 12:55:36 EDT
From: Rudy Crespin <crespinr@vrinet.com>
Sports commentators can get carried away sometimes.... David Coleman, a
famed English sports commentator, seems to get carried away more than
most - here are some of his best moments.
1. That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world
record.
2. Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match,
but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal.
3. For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live
commentary is on Radio 2.
4. This is a truly international field, no Britons involved.
5. Both of the Villa scorers - Withe and Mortimer - were born in
Liverpool as was the Villa manager Ron Saunders who was born in
Birkenhead.
6. He's 31 this year - last year he was 30.
7. He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics so he's used to being out
in front.
8. We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80
seconds behind.
9. Linford Christie's got a habit of pulling it out when it matters most.
10. The late start is due to the time.
11. He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.
12. He's even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
13. This could be a repeat of what will happen in the European games next
week.
14. It's a battle with himself and with the ticking fingers of the clock.
15. Here are some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future.
16. In the Moscow Olympics Lasse Viren came in fifth and ran a champions
race.
17. He just can't believe what's not happening to him.
18. One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about
him.
19. There'll be only one winner now - in every sense.
20. He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds
and the one before that in 62.
21. The big Cuban opened his legs and showed his class.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 94 14:51:40 -0800
From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton)
Subject: AOL slam
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
[From a friend, on AOL, which has suffered much flak recently due to
lack of service etc. from growing too fast...-cbb]
-------------
Subj: Re: AOL Service Promises 94-02-12 01:25:52 EST
From: Gulf Breez
I'm thinking of opening a new breakfast restaurant. My business plan is
inspired by the recent "success" of America Online. Tentatively, its going
to be called "American OmLets" (AOL). Here's how it will work:
I'm only going to have one cook and one small stove, but to make sure that I
get a lot of attention, I'm going to send out millions of offers for "Free
Trial Breakfasts". Of course, I expect the restaurant to be most busy at
certain times of the day (6am-11am). If I get complaints about the slow
service, I will try to ignore them at first. If that does'nt work, I'll just
start throwing people out of the back door. I'll then only let every third
person through the front door, telling the others to "try
My magazine ads will show people eating a complete breakfast - with coffee
and bacon, and all kinds of other things that I'm not yet offering in
reality. When they come in, the menu will even show these things. Of
course, when they try to order it, the waitress will say "In the upcoming
months, American OmLets will be serving all of these great things - in the
meantime, our first priority will be upgrading the speed of our service".
Of course, at some point, Waffle House will try to capitalize on my lack of
service. They will hold a press conference to brag about how they can handle
many more customers, with no waiting. In response, I'll be quick to say
something really insensitive and conceited - like "Waffle House has more
capacity than demand - I would much rather have more demand than capacity".
To make the customers happy, I'll have a big "Diner's Online Support" box,
where they can deposit their little comment cards. Most of the time this box
will be so full that the customers can't stick any more cards in, so I'll
have no choice but to throw most of them in the trash. To answer the rest of
them, I'll train the janitor to write something like "I'm sorry that you've
experienced slow service - this problem is due to the fact that we've had
such explosive growth in our patronage. We're working f
What do you think? I'm looking for investors - if you're interested, leave
me email!!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 94 12:41:13+080
From: reid@iss.nus.sg (Thomas Reid)
Subject: CS graduate school ranking
Newsgroups: comp.edu
To: spaf
cdash@cs.colorado.edu (charlie shan) wrote:
: shan@calvin.fnal.gov (Jianping Shan) writes:
: => I like to know the ranking of computer science gradute program
: => especially the top 10. Could any of you post it or tell me where to find it?
: ^^^^^^^
: This keeps coming up, perhaps an answer ought to go in the FAQ
: The University of Wyoming, at 7200 feet above sea level, appears to be
: one of the top programs, if not the highest. New Mexico Highlands
: University, by its very name is also way up there.
: --
[I guess this leaves little hope for those of us at sea-level.]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 94 22:21:21 EST
From: jclear@staff.cc.purdue.edu (John Clear)
Subject: Hello?
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Previously, Gene Spafford said:
>
> Durned lemacs....
>
from panix.best-of....
Oh dear, no, the top ten best things emacs does are:
10. Destroy file links unintentionally and without warning.
9. Page out the kernel when it decides that it's not necessary for its own
current operation (as well as all user processes not running emacs).
8. Provide special health insurance for people who fall climbing the
treacherous slope known as its learning curve.
7. Create new ergonomic dysfunctions like Farkel Bridge Syndrome, the thing
that happens to your fingers when trying to hold down too many control
keys at once (including some that aren't on your keyboard) in order
to exit without saving on a Tuesday in July when it's raining.
6. Create even newer ergonomic dysfunctions like Pickle Nostril syndrome,
which occurs when you need to use your nose to hold down a key because
all your fingers are in use holding down other keys.
5. Convince people that ^V-^Q-^W-ESC-^X-^Y pi is a "user-friendly" sequence
for entering the letter Q.
4. Convince people that editors that operate in "modes" (like vi) are
inherently inferior, as contrasted with emacs' 1422 different modes.
3. Supply a tutorial whose most used phrase is "but don't worry about that".
2. Provide emacs users with a sense of evangelical superiority over users of
"mere" editors because *they* tailor their emacs environment to do
their laundry upon startup (even though it takes fifteen minutes for
this startup to occur and most of the stains don't come out and most
of the colors run into adjacent files).
And the number 1 best thing that emacs does is:
1. Provide joke fodder for users of other editors that we might point and
laugh.
------------------------------
From: sdba@ins.infonet.net (Ronny)
Subject: HOMOSEXUALITY IS GOD'S WILL
Newsgroups: soc.history
NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
Did you know that the Heterosexual Lifestyle is not God's original plan
for mankind? Remember that God first made man: male and female!
Afterwards God made woman! Also remember reproduction of the
human race, as we know it, was laid out by God after man and woman
had sinned against God's will...... now what do you think that sin was?
God never wanted man to have to work for a living..... man's every desire
was to be provided by God. After man and woman had sinned, as a
punishment, God ordered woman to bear the burden of reproducing the
world's population. This wasn't God's original plan for woman!
If the Heterosexual Lifestyle is God's will for mankind, why wouldn't God
allow man (Joseph) to inject his sperm into Mary, the one who gave
birth to our Savior Jesus Christ?
It seems to me that if there wasn't anything wrong with the way we
reproduce, God would surely have insisted that man's sperm been used
to aid in the production of Jesus Christ. Oh yes, Jesus would have still
been the son of God even though Joseph was Jesus' earthly father as
Mary was his earthly mother.
God knew that if Mary and Joseph had sex to produce Jesus, Jesus
would have been born into SIN! There is no way around it other than
not allowing this act to happen!
WAKE UP CALL..... it is not the GAY lifestyle that is in sin in God's eyes
..... it is the Heterosexuals Lifestyle that is the root of Mankind's
separation from God and his will thus it is HETEROSEXUALS who're the
cause of all our SIN! Because, non of us would be here today without
the sinful sexual acts of Heterosexuals.
So it is a continuing cycle of sin!
[I wonder what the Reverand Wildmon would say about this? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 94 3:20:02 EST
From: demers@cs.ucsd.edu (David DeMers)
Subject: MAKE.TENURE.FAST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been
to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you
good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must
follow these instructions:
- include in your next journal article the citations below.
- remove the first citation from the list and add a
citation to your journal article at the bottom.
- make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will
amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve
your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she
was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this
letter away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this
letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was
rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was
published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback
his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you if you
break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant.
Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
an empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior.
Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
with Emergent Symbolic Structure.
(doctoral dissertation, University of California at
Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 94 16:34:43 -0800
From: Allen Akin <akin@tuolumne.asd.sgi.com>
Subject: Managed Caring(tm)
To: spaf
[The usual forwards deleted]
Managed Caring(tm)
By Richard Liebmann-Smith
(An editor of American Health Magazine.)
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship.
The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a "traditional"
friendship network with important cost-saving features.
*** How does it work ?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
*** What's wrong with my friends ?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school The result is costly duplication,
inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by
a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your
Friendships.
*** How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make friends
on their own ?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as
concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a cost-effective
way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring(tm)
for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad
Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship
Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous
standards of loyalty.
*** What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing ?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you
for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special
Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside
the scope of his or her excellent training.
*** Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm) network?
Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting
your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
*** What's that ?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365
days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town,
after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for someone else.
you may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may
make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in
this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
within two business days.
*** What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan ?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking
in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping,
joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.
*** Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
*** How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered ?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed
Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed
Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within
24 business hours.
*** But who decides what's appropriate for me ?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for ?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:14:28 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mmmmhhhh! What's for dessert?!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: /dev/null@gauss.asd.sgi.com
From: drue@vivid.com (drue miller)
Today's lunchtime discussion was especially tasty. The topic was
"unusual foods consumed while traveling" -- some first-rate entries
here (we've got a well-traveled crew):
Along with the predictable (monkey brains, poison blowfish, shrimps
killed at the table) were jellyfish tentacles ("like long, stringy,
rubbery Gummi Bears left outside for a year"); haggus (Scottish dish in
which a sheep stomach is split open, filled with the rest of the sheep
innards, and boiled -- Gray says it looked and smelled just like the
opening scene from star wars II); bird fetuses (sold at rail stations
in Korea -- you get to crack open the eggshell and consume the contents,
which is mostly the bird's head); and this little gem of a delicacy
favored by Sardinian shepards, whereupon they split open a head of
cheese, cover one half with a cheesecloth and let it sit outside, making
it a prime breeding ground for flies. Once the flies have laid their
eggs, the cheese is reassembled, allowed to age a bit and served. the
resulting spread is punctuated by wriggling fly larvae (i am not making
this up). Wanda says that when they'd visit Sardinia, her father would
bring this cheese home in her suitcase.
BTW, translated, the name means "rotten cheese." Go figure.
...drue
"Everything tastes great when it sits on a Ritz!" -- Andy Griffith
[[This reminds me of a dish that some friend's of mine refused to eat --
and they have Good Eating Habits. This dish is served in Japan and
is prepared acording to the following process:
Start with a large pot of cold water, a block of tofu and a bunch of
live eels. Put the pot with the water, tofu and eels on the fire.
The water heats up faster than the tofu and the eels burrow into the
tofu in an effort to escape the heat. It's a doomed effort and they
end up cooked alive in the tofu. The tofu is taken out of the pot,
sliced and served on your plate with the cooked eels now seen twining
through.
It probably tastes and looks great, but they couldn't hack the concept.
-- Casey]]
------------------------------
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Old Iranian Proverb
Newsgroups: alt.angst
If you see a blind man, run up and kick him.
Why should you be kinder than God?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 94 19:00:10 PST
From: sbs@frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: One for the "don't try this at home file"
To: spaf
[Fans of bizarre home medical experiment stories, such as the awe-inspiring
"Do not use an electric guitar" post in yucks 3/3, will likely be
similarly pleased by the following tale. --S.]
From: stantz@sybase.com (Mark Stantz)
From time to time I run across some piece of roadkill on the
information superhighway that I set aside for future review. Then,
after making some dumb programming mistake, I can pull it back up and be
reassurred that there are still plenty of people much worse off than I am.
Keeping things in perspective is good for morale.
This is one of those items. Enjoy...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From _Eccentric Lives & Peculiar Notions_ by John Michell.
THE PEOPLE WITH HOLES IN THEIR HEADS
[ Alternate title: 'A man, a plan, trepan` -mfs ]
Amanda Feilding lives in a charming flat looking over London's river
with her companion, Joey Mellen, and their infant son, Rock. She is a
successful painter, and she and Joey have an art gallery in a
fashionable street of the King's Road. Another of her talents is for
politics. At the last two General Elections she stood for Parliament in
Chelsea, more than doubling her vote on the second occasion from 49 to
139. It does not sound much, but the cause for which she stands is
unfamiliar and lacks obvious appeal. Feilding and her voters demand
that trepanning operations be made freely available on the National
Health. Trepanation means cutting a hole in your skull.
The founder of the trepanation movement is a Dutch savant, Dr Bart
Hughes. In 1962 he made a discovery which his followers proclaim as the
most significant in modern times. One's state and degree of
consciousness, he realized, are related to the volume of blood in the
brain. According to his theory of evolution, the adoption of an upright
stance brought certain benefits to the human race, but it caused the
flow of blood through the head to be limited by gravity, thus reducing
the range of human consciousness. Certain parts of the brain ceased or
reduced their functions while others, particularly those parts relating
to speech and reasoning, became emphasized in compensation. One can
redress the balance by a number of methods, such as standing on one's
head, jumping from a hot bath into a cold one, or the use of drugs; but
the wider consciousness thus obtained is only temporary. Bart Hughes
shared the common goal of mystics and poets in all ages: he wanted to
achieve permanently the higher level of vision, which he associated with
an increased volume of blood in the capillaries of the brain.
The higher state of mind he sought was that of childhood. Babies are
born with skulls unsealed, and it is not until one is an adult that the
bony carapace is formed which completely encloses the membranes
surrounding the brain and inhibits their pulsations in repsonse to
heart-beats. In consequence, the adult loses touch with the dreams,
imagination and intense perceptions of the child. His mental balance
becomes upset by egoism and neuroses. To cure these problems, first in
himself and then for the whole world, Dr Huges returned his cranium to
something like the condition of infancy by cutting out a small disc of
bone with an electric drill. Experiencing immediate beneficial effects
from this operation, he began preaching to anyone who would listen to
the doctrine of trepanation. By liberating his brain from its total
imprisonment in his skull, he claimed to have restored its pulsations,
increased the volume of blood in it and acquired a more complete,
satisfying state of consciousness than grown-up people normally enjoy.
The medical and legal authorities reacted to Huges's discovery with
horror and rewarded him with a spell in a Dutch lunatic asylum.
Joseph Mellen met Bart Huges in 1965 in Ibiza and quickly became his
leading, or rather one and only, disciple. Years later he wrote a book
called _Bore Hole_, the contents of which are summarized in its opening
sentence: 'This is the story of how I came to drill a hole in my skull
to get permanently high.'
. . . (a few paragraphs detail Joseph Mellen's early experiments with
LSD, and how he finds out about Bart Huges.)
The time came when Joey felt he had preached enough and that he now
had to act. He did not agree with Holingshead that the third eye was
merely a figure of speech, believing in its physical attainment through
self-trepanation. Support for this can be found in archaeology. Skulls
of ancient people all over the world give evidence that their owners
were skillfully trepanned during their lifetimes, and many of these
appear to have been of noble or priestly castes. The medical practice
of trepanation was continued up to the present century in treatment of
madness, the hole in the skull being seen as a way of relieving pressure
on the brain or letting out the devils that possessed it. By his
scientific explanation of the reasons for the operation, Bart Huges had
removed it from the area of superstition, and Joey Mellen proposed to be
the second person to perform it on himself in the interest of
enlightenment.
Bart had become a close friend of Amanda Feilding, and they went off
to Amsterdam together while Joey took care of Amanda's flat. This was
the opportunity he had been waiting for to bore a hole in his head.
The most gripping passages in _Bore Hole_ describe his various
attempts to complete the operation. They are also extremely gruesome,
and those who lack medical curiosity would do well to read no further.
Yet to those who might contemplate trepanation for and by themselves,
Joey's experiences are a salutary warning. It should be empahasized
that neither he, Bart nor Amanda has ever recommended people to follow
their example by performing their own operations. For years they have
been looking for doctors who would understand their theories and would
agree to trepan volunteer patients as a form of therapy Strangely
enough, not one member of the medical profession has been converted.
In a surgical store Joey found a trepan instrument, a kind of auger or
cork- screw designed to be worked by hand. It was much cheaper and,
Joey felt, more sensitive than an electric drill. Its main feature was
a metal spike, surrounded by a ring of saw-teeth. The spike was meant
to be driven into the skull, holding the trepan steady until the
revolving saw made a groove, after which it could be retracted. If all
went well, the saw-band should remove a disc of bone and expose the
brain.
Joey's first attempt at self-trepanation was a fiasco. He had no
previous medical experience, and the needles he had bought for
administering a local anaesthetic to the crown of his head proved to be
too thin and crumpled up or broke. Next day he obtained some stouted
needles, took a tab of LSD to steady his nerves and set to in earnest.
First he made an incision to the bone, and then applied the trepan to
his bared skull. But the first part of the operation, driving the spike
into the bone, was impossible to accomplish. Joey described it as like
trying to uncork a bottle from the inside. He realized he needed help
and telephoned Bart in Amsterdam, who promised he would come over and
assist at the next operation. This plan was frustrated by the Home
Office, which listed Dr Huges as an undesirable visitor to Britain and
barred his entry.
Amanda agreed to take his place. Soon after her return to London she
helped Joey re-open the wound in his head and, by pressing the trepan
with all her might against his skull, managed to get the spike to take
hold and the saw- teeth to bite. Joey then took over at cranking the
saw. Once again he had swallowed some LSD. After a long period of
sawing, just as he was about to break through, he suddenly fainted.
Amanda called an ambulance and he was taken to hospital, where horrified
doctors told him that he was lucky to be alive and that if he had
drilled a fraction of an inch further he would have killed himself.
The psychiatrists took a particular interest in his case, and a group
of them arranged to examine him. Before this could be done, he had to
appear in court on a charge of possessing a small amount of cannabis.
The magistrate demanded another psychiatrist's report and demanded him
for a week in prison.
There followed a period of embarrassment as the rumour went round
London that Joey Mellen had trepanned himself, whereas in fact he had
failed to do so. As soon as possible, therefore, he prepared for a
third attempt. Proceeding as before, but now with the benefit of
experience, he soon found the groove from the previous operation and
began to saw through the sliver of bone separating him from
enlightenment or, as the doctors had predicted, instant death. What
followed is best quoted from _Bore Hole_.
'After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound
of bubbling. I drew the trepan out and the gurgling continued. It
sounded like air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed
out. I looked at the trepan and there was a bit of bone in it. At
last! On closer inspection I saw that the disc of bone was much deeper
on one side than on the other. Obviously the trepan had not been
straight and had gone through at one point only, then the piece of bone
had snapped off and come out. I was reluctant to start drilling again
for fear of damaging the brain membranes with the deeper part while I
was cutting through the rest or of breaking off a splinter. If only I
had an electric drill it would have been so much simpler. Amanda was
sure I was through. There seemed no other explanation for the
schlurping noises I decided to call it a day. At the time I thought
that any hole would do, no matter what size. I bandaged up my head and
cleared away the mess.'
There was still doubt in his mind as to whether he had really broken
through and, if so, whether the hole was big enough to restore pulsation
to his brain. The operation had left him with a feeling of wellbeing,
but he realized that it could simply be from relief at having ended it.
To put the matter beyond doubt, he decided to bore another hole at a new
spot just above the hairline, this time using an electric drill. In the
spring of 1970, Amanda was in America and Joey did the operation alone.
He applied the drill to his forehead, but after half and hour's work the
electric cable burnt out. Once again he was frustrated. An engineer in
the flat below him was able to repair the instrument and next day he set
out to finish the job. 'This time I was not in any doubt. The drill
head went at least an inch deep through the hole. A great gush of blood
followed my withdrawal of the drill. In the mirror I could see the
blood in the hole rising and falling with the pulsation of the brain.'
The result was all he had hoped for. During the next four hours he
felt his spirits rising higher until he reached a state of freedom and
serenity which he claims, has been with him ever since.
For some time now he had been sharing a flat with Amanda, and when she
came back from America she immediately noticed the change in him. This
encouraged her to join him on the mental plane by doing her own
trepanation. The operation was carefully recorded. She had obtained a
cine-camera, and Joey stood by, filming, as she attacked her head with
an electric drill. The film shows her carefully at work, dressed in a
blood-spattered white robe. She shaves her head, makes an incision in
her head with a scalpel and calmly starts drilling. Blood spurts as she
penetrates the skull. She lays aside the drill and with a triumphant
smile advances towards Joey and the camera.
Ever since, Joey and amanda have lived and worked together in harmony.
>From the business of buying old prints to colour and resell, they have
progressed to ownership of the Pigeonhole Gallery and seem reasonably
prosperous. They have also started a family. There is nothing
apparently abnormal about them, and many of their old friends agree in
finding them even more pleasant and contented since their operations.
There is plenty of leisure in their lives, mingled with the kind of
activities they most enjoy. These of course include talking and writing
about trepanation. They have lectured widely in Europe and America to
groups of doctors and other interested people, showing the film of
Amanda's self-operation, entitled _Heartbeat in the Brain_. It is
generally received with awe, the sight of blood often causing people to
faint. At one showing in London a film critic described the audience
'dropping off their seats one by one like ripe plums'. Yet it was not
designed to be gruesome. The soundtrack is of soothing music, and the
surgical scenes alternate with some delightful motion studies of
Amanda's pet pigeon, Birdie, as a symbol of peace and wisdom."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Stantz | "...They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression.
stantz@sybase.com | This was a lie and we could not let them publish it..."
Emeryville, CA | -- Nelba Blandon, Nicaraguan Director of Censorship, 1984
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 04:20:02 -0700
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
There was a groping for using everything and there was a groping
for a continuous present and there was an inevitable beginning of
beginning again and again and again.
Having naturally done this I naturally was a little troubled with it
when I read it. I became then like the others who read it. One does,
you know, excepting that when I reread it myself I lost myself in it
again. Then I said to myself this time it will be different and I
began. I did not begin again I just began.
In this beginning naturally since I at once went on and on
very soon there were pages and pages and pages more elaborated
creating a more and more continuous present including more and
more using of everything and continuing more and more beginning
and beginning and beginning....
The problem from this time on became more definite.
- Gertrude Stein "Composition as Explanation"
[I didn't know that Stein wrote for the government... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 15:17:20 +0100
From: jd (John Devitofranceschi)
Subject: THIS is a great quote.
To: wendy (and eventually to Yucks)
Azhural raised his staff.
"It's fifteen hundred miles to Ankh-Morpork," he said. "We've got
three hundred and sixty three elephants, fifty carts of forage, the
monsoon's about to break and we're wearing... we're wearing... sort
of things, like glass, only dark... dark glass things on our eyes..."
(Moving Pictures, Terry Pratchett)
------------------------------
Date: 25 Feb 1994 13:01:04 GMT
From: devitto@spearmint (Domenico De Vitto)
Subject: Witty definition of your programming language
Newsgroups: comp.lang.pascal,comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.fortran,comp.lang.lisp,comp.lang.ada,comp.lang.basic.misc
gavinb@ariel.ucs.unimelb.EDU.AU (Gavin Russell Baker) writes:
:
: With all these funny definitions of languages, I can't believe nobody posted
: my favourite:
:
: C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.
:
Hey, I'm a student and know this is wrong !!!
Members of my class all have access to my private parts too :)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
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