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Yucks Digest V4 #6 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 28 Feb 94 Volume 4 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
[Sandra_Demi@transarc.com: Fwd: Dutch Bare Bandits Hit Markets]
a modest proposal
Anti Valentine's Day Party results
Barnes not so Noble
Change notice -- Planck's constant upgraded
cutie
DatenAutoBahn
driving
Fun in the back seat on the information highway
Go on, kick the tires (or something)
Hi-res color
How MilSpecs Live Forever (2 msgs)
I couldn't help it/myself
Just HOW COLD WAS IT, you ask???
kerrigan/harding
Knick-knack, paddy-whack, give the dog a bone...
mutagenic motocross
name dropping
Navigating the Internet
Poetry?
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
Recent spate of granny-aged mommies in UK
The following is distributed as a public safety service (fwd)
The new IBM
The Top Ten Reasons Not to Marry Ariel
Tonya -- my kinda girl!
Too much Warner Bros
University Reorganization
warning labels won't save mr science
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 11:48:21 -0800
From: rich_durant@rainbow.mentorg.com (Rich Durant)
Subject: [Sandra_Demi@transarc.com: Fwd: Dutch Bare Bandits Hit Markets]
To: spaf
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 1994 08:43:19 -0500 (EST)
From: Sandra_Demi@transarc.com
ZWOLLE, Netherlands (AP) -- Combining burlesque and banditry, a
gang of robbers has been conducting striptease robberies in
northern Holland.
In three incidents Saturday, about a half-dozen women entered
markets noisily, then bared their breasts. As the customers gawked,
accomplices cleaned out the tills.
The dazed witnesses have so far not been much assistance, police
spokesman Wim Raberlek said Monday.
The beguiling bandits netted more than $5,208 from the three
markets around Zwolle.
``It sounds like too easy of a crime but in the midst of the
confusion, it happened,'' Raberlek said.
Last week, a drugstore in Groningen, north of Zwolle, was also
hit by bare-breasted bandits.
[I'm sorely tempted to make some joke about "Stick 'em up!" but I
will restrain myself. Barely. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 1994 13:18:44 -0800
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: a modest proposal
To: eniac
[found this on my fax machine last night]
Proposal Sumitted to the Strategic Defense Initiative
Organization, Office of Innovative Science and Technology
Title: A Novel Scheme for Inducing Controlled Supernova-Type Behavior
in the Sun for Ballistic Missile Defense
Investigators: D. Vader (principal), F. Gordon, and B. Rogers
Organization: College of Engineering, Cornell University,
Ithaca, New York 14853
IST/STA Submitted to: T. D. Lysenko, SDIO
Funding Cycle: FY86
Funding Requirements: $795,000 (1st year)
$3,950,000 (3-year program)
ABSTRACT
--------
Ballistic missile defense can be achieved by inducing the Sun to
undergo modest Type I supernova behavior at the first warning of an
enemy attack. We show that a brief helium burning instability can be
triggered by a phased burst of neutrinos directed at the solar core
from an array of linear accelerators in Earth orbit. Power require-
ments are well within the range now under consideration for conven-
tional SDI laser schemes. The induced solar X-ray response will have
a rise time less than one minute and a peak intensity sufficient to
produce potential gradients of order 10e9 volts/meter across any war-
head above the atmosphere -- more than adequate to destroy hardened
electronics by system-generated EMP. A 16-minute delay is imposed by
the round-trip light travel time to the Sun but this is less than the
flight time of the missiles. The system can only neutralize warheads
in the sunlit hemisphere, but complete security half the time is bet-
ter than none. The superflare will ignite all combustible surfaces
on the exposed terrestrial hemisphere, providing the bonus side ef-
fect of reliable soft target kill capability.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 94 3:20:02 EST
From: ehoogerb@eo.com (Edwin Hoogerbeets)
Subject: Anti Valentine's Day Party results
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
In Canada and the US, St. Valentine's Day is used as a day to celebrate
love, where lovers get together and be romantic. And of course,
businesses use it as a chance to sell lots of cheesy cards and other
merchandise.
Despite the commercialism, we single people often feel left out, or
worse, feel inadequate because we have no-one to whom we can send
Valentine's greetings. Well, I thought that was pretty stupid. Enough
of that shit.
Borrowing an idea from friends up north (hi guys), a friend and I
organized an Anti-Valentine's Day Party only for single people. We told
people to bring a top 5 list of reasons why it's better to be single than
to be in a relationship. The reasons were collect and arranged here
in a Top 10 list for your enjoyment:
10. You get to go to cool Anti-Valentine's Day parties instead of buying
cards and flowers.
9. Toilet seat stays DOWN. (from a woman)
The toilet seat stays UP. (from a man)
(Yes, there was a heated debate on both sides about what is the
proper thing to do. The jury is still out.)
8. Morning cotton mouth is OKAY -- and the makers of Scope can just
go FUCK OFF.
7. I can watch anything I want -- no channel surfing. (from a woman)
The remote control is mine, mine, MINE! (from a man)
6. Your grocery bill will go down by 75%. (from a woman)
(My bill would probably go up by 25% ;)
5. No more shoe prints on the bed sheets.
(She wouldn't offer an explanation, but the word "traction" was
bandied about.)
4. Rude comments such as "You're looking a little thick in the thighs,
dear," are mercifully absent from my life!
3. You never have to lie when saying, "I love you."
2. You don't have to sleep in the wet spot if you don't want to.
(One woman upon hearing this said, "If you're single, why would
there be a... never mind.")
And the number one reason is:
1. You know the pubic hair in the peanut butter is yours. (you hope)
(This woman also refused to explain herself.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 94 16:32:33 EST
From: Yvette M Adams <yma2@columbia.edu>
Subject: Barnes not so Noble
To: yucks@columbia.edu
"Borrowed from Andy Soltis"
Call it The Mystery of the Body in the Bookstore. An elderly woman
died yesterday while sitting in the lobby of a busy West Side Barnes &
Noble store - amid a gathering of mystery novelists, police said.
Investigators said the death was apparently due to natural causes, but
they were uncertain when it occured.
Passers-by said the woman had been sitting in a chair at the Broadway
and 83rd Street store as long as four hours before anyone realized she
was dead. Police arrived on the scene to rope off the area several
hours later. "You couldn't help but notice her,", said Soledad
Santiago, author of "Nightside." "Somebody put a blanket over her.
All you could see were her big rubber boots."
[A "gathering of mystery novelists"? Wouldn't the proper phrase be
a "murder of mystery novelists?" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 94 19:30:05 EST
From: boyd@cs.buffalo.edu (Daniel F Boyd)
Subject: Change notice -- Planck's constant upgraded
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[This is the actual format which our Computing Center uses for
change notices.]
Effective: September 15, 1993
Product: Planck's constant 'h'
Version: 1.1 (Replaces 1.0)
Systems: The universe as we know it
Change: Upgrade to '2'.
Image: Every atom and photon in the observable universe
Installer: God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Contact: Richard P. Feynman
Notes: The referenced change to this physical constant will
end all life as we know it on this planet and in the
observable universe. From the equation E=hf which
denotes the energy of a photon as the function of its
frequency, we see that photons will suddenly carry
much much more energy. The emissions from your TV
remote will become as dangerous as gamma rays; you
would shoot holes in the wall with it, except that the
Uncertainty Principle says you won't be able to pick
up the remote because you won't be able to determine
its position (nor the position of your hand) to enough
precision to tell you if it's even in the same room
with you.
Users inconvenienced by this change should call the
Help Desk in 216 Computing center(645-3540) or the
Graphics Consultant in 204 Computing Center.
------------------------------
Date: 23 Feb 94 04:31:37 EST (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@news.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: gatech!cs.purdue.edu!spaf
Contributed by: Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. (Cate3.OSBU_North@xerox.com)
Good eye doctors are hard to find.
A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to a city in Alaska.
"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.
"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 1994 14:27:16 -0500
From: bhahn@world.std.com (William D Hahn)
Subject: DatenAutoBahn
To: eniac
The 14.2.94 issue of the German news magazine "Der Spiegel" has
an article about the growth in the use of the Internet. The official
translation of "Information Superhighway" is "DatenAutoBahn", but
there are also references to "DatenschnellStrassen".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 14:51:08 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: driving
To: spaf
From: t_holway@unhh.unh.edu (Todd A Holway)
Newsgroups: ne.forsale
Subject: ***AUTHENTIC MG-TC FOR SALE***
Date: 10 Feb 1994 12:13 EST
We have an original 1949 MG-TC for sale. Body's in good
condition. Mechanically sound. It's been well maintained and very
^^^^
sporatically driven. $16,900.
^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^
For more information, call 207-363-8377, or E-Mail the
address below.
Very sporadically driven describes most cars in Massachusetts, the
state where "Dodge Van" is an imperative.
[Actually, that was "sporatic" rather than "sporadic". I think that
means driving about, puffing spores into the surrounding atmosphere.
And you thought that was road dust on the dash... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 15:13:54 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fun in the back seat on the information highway
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
From: bickford@cloud9.Eng.Sun.COM (Susan Bickford)
From: Bruce Reid <reid@sdd.hp.com>
Why the Internet Is Like a Penis
================================
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. The
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 94 16:19:23 -0500
From: Leonard N. Foner <foner@media.mit.edu>
Subject: Go on, kick the tires (or something)
To: silent-tristero
[Source, unfortunately, unknown:]
London, England:
A British Ford dealer set out to impress potential purchasers with the
burglar-proof features of the new Ford Mondeo by staging a break-in
in his showroom.
As a room full of potential customers watched, the hired thief walked
up to the front of the car and gave it a swift kick in the bumper, near
the airbag sensor. The bag inflated, AND the central locking system
disengaged. The thief then opened the door, quickly broke the steering
column lock, hot-wired the ignition and started the car.
News spread quickly, and copycat incidents have followed.
Autoweek says "Sales of The Club should increase."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 94 19:30:04 EST
From: jamesm@dialogic.com (Mark James)
Subject: Hi-res color
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is going around the company:
Q. What machine does Windows NT run best on?
A. A 35mm slide projector.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 23:18:59 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How MilSpecs Live Forever
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
From: Nat Howard <nrh@uunet.uu.net>
From: Bill Innanen <wgi@APLCOMM.JHUAPL.EDU>
US Standard Railroad Gauge
or
How MilSpecs Live Forever
--------------------------
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2
in (1.44 m). That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why is that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,
and the US railroads were built by English ex patriots.
Why did the English build 'em like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
the gauge they used.
Why did *they* use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools as they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.
OK! Why did the wagons use that wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use
any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance
roads, because that's the spacing of the ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The
roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear
of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the
chariots were made by or for Imperial Rome they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing (ruts again).
Thus we have the answer to the original question.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 ft 8 1/2 in derives from the
original military specification (MilSpec) for an Imperial Roman army war
chariot. MisSpecs (and bureaucracies) live forever!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:57:40 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How MilSpecs Live Forever
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: tooch@auspex.com (Mike Tuciarone)
Subject: Re: How MilSpecs Live Forever
Fascinating. I showed this to my wife, medieval studies major and
horsewoman, who points out that the spacing of wheels on the Roman
chariot was like as not dictated by the width of the yoke that attached
the chariot to the horse, and the need to keep the wheel ruts well out
of the path of the loose earth the hooves are kicking up.
Thus, the gauge of the Iron Horse might be in fact derived from the
width of the standard Roman warhorse.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:33:31 -0600
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: I couldn't help it/myself
To: spaf
CONDOM RELIEF: The next time the earth moves in Los Angeles, Adam Glickman
will be checking to see if Southern Californians heeded his warning to toss
a handful of condoms into their emergency earthquake kits. Glickman is the
owner of CONDOMania, America's first nationwide chain of condom boutiques,
which has just introduced ``The Official Condom of the 1994 Great L.A. Quake.''
The commemorative issue comes packaged in a conventional matchbook emblazened
with the slogan, ``When the big one comes, be prepared!'' All proceeds will go
to the Red Cross fund for earthquake victims.
["Did the earth move for you too, honey?" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 1994 15:15:08 EST
From: Chip Seymour <CHIP@bdso.cv.com>
Subject: Just HOW COLD WAS IT, you ask???
To: spaf
*******************************************************************************
* *
* Boston Area Weather Information *
* by the *
* Center for Meteorology and Physical Oceanography *
* *
*******************************************************************************
Last update was at: Wed Feb 9 14:10:00 EST 1994
The weather observed at BOSTON (BOS) at 02:01 PM EST was:
The skies were overcast with light snow falling.
Temperature: -99F ( 0C) Dewpoint: -99F ( 0C) Relative Humidity: -99%
Winds from the N (350 degs) at 14 mph.
Altimeter:29.87 inches of mercury.
Visibility: 1.0 miles.
[And I thought our weather in Indiana was bad this winter! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 19 Feb 1994 18:52:52 -0600
From: chambles@whale.st.usm.edu (John William Chambless)
Subject: kerrigan/harding
Newsgroups: rec.sport.misc
In article <1994Feb18.211205.29683@dcs.warwick.ac.uk>,
Kay Dekker <kay@dcs.warwick.ac.uk> wrote:
>Oh, this is delightsome. Heterosexual men who have sex with women
>catch female physical attributes from them, making them weaker than
>celibate men. If this hadn't been talk.bizarre, I'd have worried.
My only question is:
Why isn't this thread in alt.alien.visitors where it belongs?
[...and Yucks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 18:59:54 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Knick-knack, paddy-whack, give the dog a bone...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: jim@Tadpole.COM (Jim Thompson)
Tulsa, Oklahoma:
You've got a new dog and you need some new chews. But you want
something with stamina that can endure your pooch's constant gnawing.
According to one Tulsa animal store, what you need is a naturally
occurring body part -- recently referred to as a "bobbitt".
A bull's dried bobbitt is a the hottest-selling item made especially
for these furry friends.
Thanks to the highly publicized trial of Lorena Bobbitt, who was
acquitted by reason of insanity in the removal of her husband's penis
with a knife. "I don't have to use the word penis anymore," said Sam
Cudek, manager of Southern Agriculture, Inc.
Cudek said she believes Southern Agriculture was the first store in
Tulsa to introduce the beef sticks as dog chews 2 1/2 years ago. "The
dogs just love them," she said. Now, just about every animal store has
them, she said. But she doesn't know whether any of her competitors are
taking advantage of the "bobbitt" name. The name seems so appropriate,
considering what the beef stick is and the way it is made," she said.
"It's a bull's penis. They stretch it and then dry it before whacking
it off into appropriate sizes." The organ is removed during the
slaughtering process.
Bobbitt isn't the brand name for the beef stick, but Cudek has been
using the name to explain what the item is ever since the Bobbitt
incident made headlines. "It's perfect. It's an immediate product
identifier," she said. "I can't bear to tell the customer that the
beef stick is a penis. So instead, I say it's a bobbitt and everyone
knows exactly what I mean. "It's funny to watch the reactions. The
men all cringe and the women all giggle as they adjust their grip on
the stick," she said.
What makes the bobbitt the ideal chew for dogs is its longevity, "a
trait most men long for," she said.
The beef sticks are about a foot long and cost $2.95 each. They contain
85 percent usable protein and last nearly three times as long as the
rawhide chews, she said. It's the best item for teething purposes, she
added. But the main reason it's the prime chew is that it's not
processed or basted like most rawhide chews, which many dogs are
allergic to. It also doesn't break down into strips like the raw hide
does, causing blocking in some animals, she said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Feb 94 14:06:24 -0500
From: cromwell@ecn.purdue.edu (Bob Cromwell)
Subject: mutagenic motocross
To: rsk@chestnut.circ.upenn.edu, spaf
Recently heard an ad on an Indy radio station for some indoor dirt-bike
event (one of those where the announcer sounds like Darth Vadar on
amphetamines). Promised an event so extreme that it would "rearrange
your DNA!!!!" Not exactly what I would view as a feature, unless they
could somehow guarantee beneficial mutations.
[Considering some of the people who view dirt-bike events and tractor-pulls
as the highlights of their social lives, I would suspect that almost any
rearrangement might prove beneficial. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 9 Feb 1994 21:15:29 -0500
From: jfw@jfwhome.funhouse.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: name dropping
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In <2ivdbt$lnv@universe.digex.net> crw@universe.digex.net (Weihnachtsfrosch) writes:
>In article <ceejCKqCsG.KsC@netcom.com>, C J Silverio <ceej@netcom.com> wrote:
>>Today, Bill Atkinson shot a lot of nerf missiles at me.
>Who's Bill Atkinson?
He had something to do with computers.
>Will I find him in Eric Raymond's book?
No, see above.
[If you need an explanation, it probably wouldn't be funny. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 94 14:00:37 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Navigating the Internet
To: spaf
Then there is something called the Internet, which is a
worldwide hookup of thousands of computer networks. The Internet
is already an information superhighway, except that you have to be
a full-fledged computer nerd to navigate it. I have been there.
It's like driving a car through a blizzard without windshield
wipers or lights, and all of the road signs are written upside
down and backwards. And if you stop and ask someone for help, they
stutter in Albanian.
-- Mike Royko, Chicago Tribune
[I'd prefer to take the information dirt road, less travelled, thank
you. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 94 19:24:16 PST
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Poetry?
To: pdh@cadence.com, pds@cadence.com, ross@qcktrn.com, eli@cisco.com
>(from the alt.writing bboard)
>
>>
>>I realize that poetry posts are frowned upon in
>>this group. Recently though, I came across what
>>has to be the finest example of haiku poetry ever
>>published. Given that haiku is an acquired taste,
>>the stodgy and narrow minded may delete now:
>>
>>
[blank lines deleted]
>>
>>
>>Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh
>>Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh
>>Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh
>> -- Beavis Sherman
>> CoStar, Beavis and ButtHead
>>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 04:20:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance."
- comic John Wing Jr.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 04:20:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I want to study aroma therapy, massage, and art. I want to be a
jack-of-all-trades."
- 16-year-old model and actress Liv Tyler redefines preparing for the
competitive global economy. (Tyler is the daughter of aged rocker
Steve Tyler of Aerosmith)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 1994 04:20:03 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Alternate quotations:
"We're kind of like an information superhighway without the information."
OR
"It's just like the information superhighway - without the information"
- from a commercial promo for David Letterman's talk show...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 94 3:20:01 EST
From: jacob@informix.com (Jacob Salomon)
Subject: Recent spate of granny-aged mommies in UK
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
71-year old Sarah decided to have a baby. She went to the fertility
clinic and had one implanted.
After she brought the baby home, her friend Mabel came to visit her
and see her bundle of joy.
"So, let's see the new arrival!", exclaimed Mabel.
"No, not yet", explained Sarah.
This exchange was repeated a few times until Mabel was ready to
leave. Mabel was rather miffed and pouted at her friend, demanding an
explanation for Sarah's refusal to show her the baby. Sarah
explained, "We have to wait until he cries." "But why?" demanded
Mabel again.
Sarah sighed. "Because I forgot where I put him."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 94 19:09:11 CET
From: Peter HULLAH <pete@strauss.eurocontrol.fr>
Subject: The following is distributed as a public safety service (fwd)
To: harriers@usc.edu (Hash Net)
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of
'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told
reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream
of Thailand's manhood."
He as speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai
Puanmuangpak had been brought into the hospital's emergency
department. "Most Pumpers use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
"sticking the nozzzle up their rectum and giving themselves a rush of
air. Not only is that a sin against God, but it can be dangerous even
for onlookers. Charnchai took it further still. He started using a
two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him,
and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air
hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under
cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realising how powerful the
machine was, he inserted the tube into his body, and placed a 1 baht
coin in the slot. Of course, he died instantly, but passers by are
still in shock. One woman though she was watching a twilight firework
display and started clapping. We still haven't located all of him.
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan," he
concluded. "Inflate your tyres by all means, but the hide your
bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Japan Times 15/8/93
[Yes, some people have entirely too much free time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:23:29 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: The new IBM
To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III), spaf (Yucks List)
Item Subject: IBM
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR IBM
#10 - Not so Big; Not so Blue; Still IBM
#9 - Hey, Remember Us?
#8 - At IBM, We waste more talent than most companies ever have!
#7 - We're IBM and you'd never have talked that way about us 10 years ago.
#6 - IBM: Bringing yesterday's technology to today's economy.
#5 - Don't kid yourself; we invented ALL the buzz words!
#4 - When our stock is overvalued; we do something about it!
#3 - Well, we never actually said we knew what we were doing.
#2 - Honk if you bought a PCjr!
And the number one slogan for the new IBM:
#1 - IBM: Laying off Thousands and Passing the Savings on to You!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 94 19:30:04 EST
From: vbv@mrdata.eeap.cwru.edu (Dean)
Subject: The Top Ten Reasons Not to Marry Ariel
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I wrote the following list after being inspired by some discussions
on rec.arts.disney. To fully appreciate it, it helps to know
the movie _The_Little_Mermaid_ by heart. It also helps if you're
up-to-date on your Disney news.
The Top Ten Down Sides to Marrying Ariel
========================================
10. No more fish for dinner
9. Keeps hogging the bathtub
8. All those reckless driving tickets
7. Her morbid fear of scaling knives
6. Looking for contact lenses in her size
5. Rumor has it that Pocahontas is a major babe
4. Gets hungry whenever you pass a live bait shop
3. Having that steroid case for a father-in-law
2. Ever-present fear that she'll run away with Tom Hanks
AND THE NUMBER ONE DOWN SIDE TO MARRYING ARIEL...
1. Having to swim upstream once a year to spawn
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 09:22:32 -0500
From: Kevin Lahey <kml%rokkaku.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu>
Subject: Tonya -- my kinda girl!
To: spaf
[BTW, do you exert editorial control over this stuff, or do you just
drop it into the digest as time allows? I just gotta know how much
self-control to exercise in forwarding junk like this to you. :-) ]
[I exercise a moderate amount of editorial control, and damn little
self-control. Send it all in! --spaf]
I spotted this in a group that should probably remain nameless, but my
instinct for attribution was just too strong:
Newsgroups: alt.society.generation-x
Subject: Re: Kerrigan or Harding?
From: biffnix@west.darkside.com (biffnix)
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 94 07:53:27 PST
>
> Who is better looking, Nancy Kerrigan or Tonya Harding? :-)
>
Man, you've gotta go with Tonya. Nancy looks like the kind of girl in
high school who, if you asked her out, would glance over, and say "I've
already GOT a boyfriend," and go back to talking with her friends.
Tonya looks like she could be yours for a sixer and a pack of butts...
My kinda girl!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 94 13:53:04 PST
From: sfisher@Megatest.COM (Scott Fisher)
Subject: Too much Warner Bros
To: eniac
So I returned from lunch to find a van parked in front of the main
door here at work. It was the ubiquitous work van, painted white,
but on it were the following horrifying words:
ACME SECURITY SYSTEMS
Well, that does it. I've got to leave before 6 pm when they lock the
doors. I don't want to hold my badge up to the key and have an anvil
fall on my head.
(On the other hand, making accordion noises when I walk would really
amuse the children. This might not be all bad...)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 13 Feb 94 19:30:04 EST
From: DAVEL@yang.earlham.edu
Subject: University Reorganization
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Following the merger of the Geology and Geography departments at Central
Michigan University, the following flyer appeared in faculty mailboxes:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the University Community:
Many misconceptions are circulating among the faint-hearted about
reorganization and its potential consequences. We wish to express our
support for the bold leadership of Provost Frank in his creative
approach to combining departments and reorganizing schools. We believe
reorganization can lead to a new era of intellectual florescence on
this campus. Taking a hint from another similarly situated
institution, in which the motto of the newly-created Small Business and
Men's Physical Education Institute is: "Pulling oneself up by one's
own jockstrap", we urge the administration to consider the following
possibilities as models for future reorganizations:
Department of Military Science, Religion, and Political Science -
or "Department of Propaganda Arts"
Department of Biology and Rhetoric - or "Department of
Decomposition"
Department of Accounting and Fashion - "No Taste for Accounting"
Department of Clinical Psychology and Gerontology - or "Still
Crazy After All These Years"
Department of Philosophy and Nutrition - or "Healthy Mind, Healthy
Body -- Take Your Pick"
Department of Geology and Men's Physical Education - or
"Department of Hard Knocks"
Department of Theater and Journalism - or "Show and Tell"
Department of Mycology and Men's Studies - or "He's a fun guy"
Department of Mathematics, Romance Languages, and Dance - or
"Department of Order and Disorder"
These are only some of the more self-evident possibilities, but we urge
creative minds to propose their own combinations.
F ront for the
R eorganization of
A ll
N ature
K nowledge and
E ducation
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Feb 94 00:55:59 GMT
From: (null)
Subject: warning labels won't save mr science
To: eniac
---------- begin forwarded message
So I just finished wiping the Jell-O of the kitchen ceiling.
It all started innocently enough. I decided to make some Burgundy grape
Jell-O to take to work with me in the morning. I decided to try making
it in a tall measuring cup that has a lid, thinking that I could use the
lid and chill and transport it in the same container. As I was adding
the powder to the hot water and stirring a shortcut occured to me. I
decided to put the lid on and shake it instead of all the tedious
stirring. So I snapped the tight fitting lid over the container and
started to shake the container. After two shakes my world turned
purply-red.
I had forgotten to take into account the fact that there was a lot of
air in the cup, that expanded quickly as a result of the boiling water.
The tight-fitting lid came off with a bang, shot across the room, and
half-made Jell-O flew out of the cup and sprayed me from head to foot
and covered half the kitchen. I spent the next half an hour wiping ever
surface I could find. I left one little spot on the ceiling for
posterity.
It was a scene straight out of Get Smart, and my only solace comes in
the knowledge that I could quielty clean up the mess and come to terms
with my own stupidity without the distraction of having an observer
rolling on the floor and losing control of their bladder.
So let this be a lesson to you all, there are no shortcuts to Jell-O.
---------- end forwarded message
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End of Yucks Digest
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