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Yucks Digest V4 #5
Yucks Digest Mon, 7 Feb 94 Volume 4 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
And the "rec.autos.antique" response to Mr. Second Coming...
Answer to our software engineering problems?
cj's third piercing
coming to a spool near you: soc.sexuality.zoophilia
Driving Lessons
food launchings, part III
Geek Humour in MST3K
Hillary Clinton to Resign
Ice Skate 'Action' Figure
It's 'cause he made a house call, that's why...
Late nite TV ads
Memory trouble
No, officer, it's NOT cocaine!
OK, who told?
Own goals!
Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
QOTD (2 msgs)
Quote of the day
The Death of Proof
The New York Times resorts to emoticons?
uncertain principles
Yucks submission
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 19:55:45 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I
swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
- from ToteMs (Western Washington Mensa), 1993
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 14:34:02 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And the "rec.autos.antique" response to Mr. Second Coming...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
The background is that there some guy who's posting about the
Second Coming to fairly inappropriate newsgroups.
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: The "misc.legal" response to Mr. Second Coming
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 20:10:18 -0800 (PST)
From: phaedrus@halcyon.com (Mark Phaedrus)
Newsgroups: misc.legal
Subject: Re: Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon
Date: 18 Jan 94 04:17:55 GMT
Followup-To: misc.legal
Organization: Lycanthropes Anonymous
In article <2hfchg$gnk@orion.cc.andrews.edu>, clarence@orion.cc.andrews.edu
(Clarence L. Thomas IV) wrote:
> God's Holy Spirit is gradually withdrawing its protection from the earth
> and the devastating events you see are demonstrations of Satan's power. All
> those who are not guarded by God are in danger of forever losing eternal life.
Well, gee; this is as clear a case as you can get of negligence and
destruction of private property. The punitive damages for pain and
suffering alone could run into the trillions. Who's going to start up the
class-action lawsuit? :)
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: And the "rec.autos.antique" response to Mr. Second Coming...
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 20:14:27 -0800 (PST)
From: leavitt@cs.umd.edu (Mr. Bill)
Newsgroups: rec.autos.antique
Subject: Re: Global Alert For All: Jes
Date: 20 Jan 94 01:10:43 GMT
Organization: The Cafe at the Edge of the Universe
eric@pmafire.inel.gov (Eric Woolstenhulme) writes:
>What kind of car does [God] drive?
A Plymouth. It's right there in the Bible (sorry, I can't remember
book, chapter or verse):
"And God drove them out in his Fury..."
Mr. Bill
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 1994 18:16:29 -0500
From: Prasun Dewan <dewan@cs.unc.edu>
Subject: Answer to our software engineering problems?
To: serc, jeffay@cs.unc.edu, coggins@cs.unc.edu
- ----- Begin Included Message ----- (several forwards deleted...)
Subject: NT Explained
In article 3286@malins.mala.bc.ca, bigras@mala.bc.ca () writes:
Found this in my mailbox the other day.
You have been chosen to participate in a process that will allow you to
finally finish that dream project you have always wanted to work on.
Below is a list of seven projects currently under development. Write 10
lines of code for the project at the top of the list. Send it to the
email address listed. Remove the top name from the list and add in you
project as item seven. Forward this new message to ten of your
programming buddies. In a few weeks you will receive ten million lines
of code written for your project.
This is not a chain letter! This is a multi-level program development
system. Please to not disrupt the development effort. Ten lines of
code should be pretty easy for and experienced programer like
yourself. Take a bit of time and be part of some really big software.
If you participate your project will soon be complete.
1 Windows NT C++ Bill@microsoft.com
2 WP60/win 8088 Assembler Janitor@Wordperfect.com
3 Cairo Visual Basic Mrs.Gates@microsoft.com
4 HubbleControl Forth Committee@NASA.gov
5 MarsObserver 8088 Assembler NutherCommittee@lostinspace
6 96Voteware Cobol Hilary@whitehouse.gov
7 TraficControl Fortran Joe@redlight.com
=============================================================================
Tony Bigras Malaspina College Email: bigras@mala.bc.ca
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jan 1994 18:50:49 GMT
From: ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
Subject: cj's third piercing
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.audio
In article <RANJIT.94Jan26111422@unagi.cis.upenn.edu>
ranjit@unagi.cis.upenn.edu (Ranjit Bhatnagar) writes:
>Just another reason to have your eardrums pierced instead.
>A pare of rare earth magnet studs and you won't need
>diaphragms in your headphones at all.
>
>DISCLAIMER: NO, DON'T HAVE YOUR EARDRUMS PIERCED AFTER ALL.
Of course not.
The increased mass of the eardrums would lower sensitivity and
slow tympanum response time 'way down. I suppose some of the
really insane high-end tweak types will wanna try it out. Some
folks will try anything to get the best out of their equipment,
and soon Vifa will be delivering surgical-grade permanent magnets
of .03 mm diameter, for those who can't help themselves.
And then, of course, some dickweed will get his head too close
to the bulk eraser while demagnetizing his compact disks, and
will pith himself.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 13:31:04 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: coming to a spool near you: soc.sexuality.zoophilia
From: redacted
Newsgroups: news.announce.newgroups,news.groups,alt.sex.bestiality
Subject: RFD: soc.sexuality.zoophilia moderated
Date: 24 Jan 1994 22:46:08 -0500
------------------------------------------------------------------------
REQUEST FOR DISCUSSION; soc.sexuality.zoophilia (Moderated)
Proposed Moderator; redacted
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This proposal is for the discussion of the creation of the
moderated newsgroup soc.sexuality.zoophilia. soc.sexuality.zoophilia
will compliment the existing newsgroup Alt.sex.bestiality.
Discussion on the creation of soc.sexuality.zoophilia shall be
held on news.groups. This message has been cross-posted to
news.groups, news.announce.newgroups, and alt.sex.bestiality. The
discussion shall be open for about 30 days. The CFV duration shall be
for 21 days.
----------------------
Rationale
----------------------
Why a Soc.* group? Because to those who are zoophiles and serious
about their identity as such tolerance of our social group is an important
issue and a serious issue which is deserving of a respectable place where
the topic can be addressed. Alt.sex.bestiality not only is a newsgroup
already inappropriate to those interests because of its' status as an
unmoderated Alt.sex.* group but it's being part of the Alt.sex.* heirarchy
makes it a difficult place in which to have intelligent discussion on this
topic. The group is littered with crossposts, flames and irrelevant posts
and lacks integrity as part of the Alt.sex.* heirarchy. In recent
discussion on Alt.sex.bestiality a call for a moderated newsgroup has been
voiced therefor this proposal has been set forth.
----------------------
Charter
----------------------
Soc.Sexuality.Zoophilia topics may include but would not be limited to;
I. Publicity and 'being out' as a zoophile,
II. Legal Issues/History in Zoophilia,
III. Discussion on the public opinion of zoophilia,
IV. Religion and Zoophilia, and
V. Psychological issues and mental health.
|\/| HOWL "Every morning she would rise before me and wake me with a
_|' | HOWL passionate kiss. Upon opening my eyes I would see her deep
\ | HOWL blues looking down at me, into me, but since her death I've
/ | never felt anything like the burning desire within my heart
/ | I used to feel then. As we kissed, her love for me, my love
|\/ \ | for her would pass between us and there's nothing like that
|______/\| in the world."-Epitaph of a Dog-redacted
[Mom, Dad, this is my fiance. The nice thing is that she's also my
best friend. Isn't that right, Lassie?
Meet Baaahbara.
I can now see why the group is moderated. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 00:01:35 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Driving Lessons
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"Driving Lessons"
by Bella English
My friend Martha, who lives in a suburb west of Boston (and wants
to remain anonymous for reasons that will become obvious), has been
commuting into the city for 13 years, which makes her eligible for
either a Purple Heart or a lobotomy or both.
Last week, she is traveling the Mass Pike when gridlock sets in.
Traffic grinds to a halt for 35 minutes. Finally, Martha turns off
the ignition and begins doing isometrics. Now, if you've ever seen
people doing isometrics, you know their contorted faces look as if
they're having a fit or have gone into labor.
As Martha puts it: "You fake a smile and hold it for 10 seconds,
then you pucker up and hold it for 10 seconds."
Gradually she becomes aware of the guy to the left of her, in a
Ford Escort, frantically working his car phone. To her right, a man
in a Mercedes is gabbing on his phone.
Martha notices the Escort fellow get out, stride over to the Mercedes
and pound on the windows. Martha, naturally, rolls down her windows
to listen while continuing her isometrics.
"The guy from the Escort is hollering. 'Seven minutes you've been on
the phone! I had a 9 o'clock meeting!'"
All Martha can figure is that there are so many cellular phones in the
immediate area that the lines are jammed. "The guy in the Mercedes is
still on the phone, but he has rolled down the window. He finally says
'Go pound sand!' and rolls up his window."
The man from the Escort, a dumpy sort in a navy blazer, starts to walk
away, muttering. He doesn't get far. His jacket is caught in the
Mercedes' window. He bangs on the window again.
Martha: "The guy in the Mercedes doesn't realize the suit is caught. He
thinks the guy is just harassing him."
Meanwhile, traffic starts to move. Horns are beeping. The man in the
navy blazer is screaming, "Put your bleepin' window down!" His jacket has
ripped. Finally, the man in the Mercedes gets the message and releases
his hapless hostage.
Martha: "The Escort guy walks by my car with his jacket all crumpled,
the lining hanging down. As he's walking by, I'm now in my grimacing phase.
He says to me, 'What's the matter, you wierd or something?' _He_ had the
nerve to call _me_ wierd."
Martha shudders at the sight of car phones. "I have seen people crash
into the stanchions at tolls because they were talking on the phone and
trying to roll the window down," she says. "Pretty soon, it will be
TVs in the cars."
"I've seen people trying to steer with their elbows while holding the
phone in one hand and taking a message with the other," State Trooper Paul
Sullivan says. But the worst case was the man driving along Route 3 with
his feet.
"He had his shoes off, he was driving with his toes," Sullivan said.
This foot fetish cost the driver $100.
Back to Martha. Last year, she got a new car that is totally computerized.
Now, Martha is not only low tech, she's no tech.
As she was driving home one day, a fuse blew and she could neither get
the electronic windows down nor the doors unlocked. She was stuck. At the
toll booth, she yelled that she couldn't pay, and why. The clerk finally
waved her through.
When she arrived home, the only thing to do was crawl out through the
sunroof. Martha is a robust woman. She took off her winter coat and shoes,
and to her neighbor's astonishment, squeezed through the roof. Her white
blouse was ruined, her jacket was missing two buttons. She had a $37.50
dry cleaning bill. "Now, I always keep extra fuses in the glove compartment,"
she said.
Before that, Martha had a beloved Audi. Five times the radio was stolen,
and five times she replaced it. Finally, she refused. Some punk left a note
on the windshield: "Hey -----, when ya gonna replace the radio?"
That did it. Martha bought a Mercedes because, she was told, no one
messed with them since they were diesel. She loved that car, except in
freezing weather when she had to plug the engine in during the night. She
used a cord that ran out the basement window to the car's motor.
"The next morning, as I'm driving out, my car feels like I'm pulling
something," she says. That "something" turned out to be the basement window.
Martha had forgotten to unplug the car.
Finally, there's the time she was eating a bag of Oreos while driving home.
She had gotten a quarter, a nickel and a dime out for the toll. Instead, she
threw out a nickel, a dime - and an Oreo. A state trooper pulled her over.
"Lady," he said, "you just ran the exact change line."
Martha, who sudddenly realized she had a quarter - and not an Oreo - in her
mouth, said: "Officer, you're not going to believe this..." She was right.
He didn't.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Feb 94 15:42:23 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: food launchings, part III
To: spaf
From: "Basil T. Maglaris" <bmaglari@moose.uvm.edu>
To: Matt Lenkeit <lenkeit@dg-rtp.dg.com>
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:41:00 -0500 (EST)
Thanks for the news of the potato launch, but to tell you the truth, we
had broken the barriers of organic rocketry and produce propulsion (and
documented them on tape) by successfully launching a cucumber, using a
C engine a month before we launched the Spam. It went about 50 feet into
the air, and landed with a resounding splat heard around the world.
We've since then attempted a green pepper and an eggplant, neither of
which worked well at all. If anyone is interested in obtaining a copy of
our launchings, feel free to write. My colleagues and I created a 15
minute compilation of some of our launch highlights (Spam, cucumber, 4
foot light fixtures, 2 liter bottles, etc.) and lowlights (green
pepper, eggplant), which we have mailed to the appropriate media (Dave
Letterman, Conan O'Brien, etc.) Good luck in all future endeavours, and
keep the updated news coming.
Sincerely,
Dr. Basil T. Maglaris
Rocket Scientist
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jan 1994 08:38:22 GMT
From: naragget@orion.oac.uci.edu (Ned Raggett)
Subject: Geek Humour in MST3K
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Anne P. Mitchell Esq. (shedevil@vix.com) wrote:
>: We were watching the rerun of The Unearthly last night, and I almost
>: howled with laughter when I heard Crow jest, during a scene where the
>: evil doctor was doing surgery on a victim "we should install a SCSCI
>: port while we're in here"!
>
>: Are there other instances of such humour that only a real geek would
>: get? [and WHO is the real geek writer on the show?]
One of the better ones along those lines occured in "Master Ninja II"; an
FBI agent rushes over to a phone and picks it up, at which point Tom
chimes in with "Microsoft Services, could you please hold for an hour?"
When I showed the film to my roommate, he absolutely died at that line;
I had to stop the film! Turns out he had had to call Microsoft at some
point concerning some of his software and had gotten just about that
level of treatment! Ah well.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 1994 06:53:07 UTC
From: an31984@anon.penet.fi (The Warren Commission)
Subject: Hillary Clinton to Resign
Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre
The Whitewater scandal has claimed it's first casualty today as First Lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton announced she would resign, effective midnight
January 31, 1994. In a shocking statement, delivered to the National
Press Club, Mrs. Clinton stated, "There is much work to be done and I
don't mean to imply that it is nearly finished. But I feel that the
questions surrounding the Whitewater investigation overshadow the hard
work and committment of those trying to do whatever it is they're trying
to do in this administration. I quit. I'm finished. Good-bye." The often
rambling statement went on for nearly 20 minutes, in which Mrs. Clinton
made frequent references to Joan of Arc and Lorena Bobbitt, and finally
concluded with the statement, "How sad you'll all be when you don't have
Hillary to kick around anymore."
When asked if she were being forced out, Mrs. Clinton responded with,
"None of your beeswax, Miss Nosey Parker!"
President Clinton, out jogging, could not be reached for comment, neither
could First Daughter Chelsea. However, when questioned by ABC's Sam
Donaldson, Socks the First Cat gave made an emotional plea for
understanding, saying tearfully, "You people just don't understand.
You're animals. No, you're worse than animals. They don't eat their
own."
As a result of Mrs. Clinton's resignation, it is expected that First
Mistress Gennifer Flowers will assume the responsibilities Mrs. Clinton
leaves behind.
It is not known what Mrs. Clinton's future plans will be. Though she made
a veiled reference to her past as a performance artist in New York's
Greenwich Village, sources close to the First Lady claimed she was just
being nostalgic.
Chief Justice Earl Warren
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 94 12:20:04 EST
From: dwm@conan.asd.sgi.com (Dan Miley)
Subject: Ice Skate 'Action' Figure
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Have you heard about Hasbro's new
Tonya Harding ice-skating doll?
Assault and Battery sold separately...
(ba-boom..)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 10:18:51 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's 'cause he made a house call, that's why...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
From: <pep@research.att.com>
From: nls (Norm Schryer)
From: the NYTimes, Friday, Jan 25, Letters to the Editor:
We all know the old plumber joke: Woman calls the plumber. Plumber
charges $200. Woman says, "My husband is a doctor and doesn't charge
that much for a house call." Plumber says, "I know. I used to be a
doctor."
It happened to me. I'm a gastroenterologist (Tufts University, Harvard
Medical School, Mount Sinai Hospital, Mayo Clinic - completed training
at 33, president of my hospital's medical staff). On a recent Sunday
evening the sewage drains in my house all backed up into my showers,
and I had to call a plumber. Simultaneously, I had to go to the
hospital emergency room to care for a critically ill woman who had a
bowell obstruction (which is a very similar problem). The plumber and
I each spent 45 minutes doing our job. He demanded a check for $175.
Medicare and her coinsurance will reimburse me $125, if I am lucky. It
is illegal for me to bill more. What's wrong with this picture?
Robert S. Fishman, M.D.
Boca Raton, Fla., Jan. 16, 1994.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 19:57:21 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Late nite TV ads
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Linda Branagan" <linda@zen.z-code.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 16:10:08 -0800
Just when you think you've seen it all....
An ad comes on that is so unbelievable that I keep waiting for the
Energizer Bunny to come on and let me know that it's all a joke. It
didn't happen.
The product in question is called, get this.... "Potty Light(tm)".
No, this is not some low-cal toilet-bowl cleaner. This is a battery-
operated box with a light sensor and a long, ?-shaped piece of fiber-
optic plastic on it. Hang this over the edge of your commode, and
when you turn out the bathroom light, the toilet lights up. Really.
No, I'm serious. Honest. Oh, stop it.
The commercial talks about how much easier it will be to toilet-train
little Tommy or Susie when the commode is lit up. The commercial talks
about how aging, incontinent folks won't have to wake up their spouses
by turning on the bathroom light in the middle of the night when
answering nature's call (this is not my interpretation, they show a
gray-haired gentleman turning on the light and then looking penitently
back at his spouse, who is frowning, turning over irritably, and pulling
the covers over her head). The commercial makes references to
"accidents" that can happen because people *don't* turn on the bathroom
light. The commercial informs me about how easy it is to clean my Potty
Light (tm). Just warm, soapy water and a sponge is all I need. The
commercial tells me that (and this just may be the best part) Potty
Light (tm) is a "practical and inexpensive gift".
1) I don't want my commode to glow in the dark, especially if I'm
sitting on it. The imagination bogs a bit at the shadows that would
be cast by the eerie glow spreading up from one's nether regions.
2) I don't want to clean a Potty Light (tm), no matter how quick and
easy it is.
3) The only thing that I can think of that might be worse than receiving
a Potty Light (tm) as a gift would be to be known as a person who actually
*gives* Potty Lights (tm) as gifts.
Idea: What we need is a Potty Light (tm) that will hook up to a Clapper
(tm). Then one could simply head in the direction of the bathroom, clap
their hands, the john would light up, and then you could clap it off
once you were situated.
(*) Apologies to all of you non-USAns who don't have the pleasures of
such marvelous late-night entertainment in the form of this particular
advertisement.
[I want an address to order it! There are several people on my
Christmas list who wouldn't be able to top it.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Feb 94 19:30:09 EST
From: ann@stratus.swdc.stratus.com (Ann Summers)
Subject: Memory trouble
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Some people may think this joke is only funny to "senior citizens." I
think not. My parents heard it at an elder hostel in New Mexico this summer.
Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so
they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come
home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the
garden.
Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?
Ed: Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor: You mean a rose?
Ed: Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the
memory course instructor's name?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 11:01:33 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: No, officer, it's NOT cocaine!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Maybe *that* explains this damn head cold...
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 01:28:34 -0800 (PST)
...I'm one of the 40% with the little sphere shoved up my nose, and it's
started to really irritate my nose.
From: remallin@dorsai.dorsai.org (Richard Mallinson)
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy,alt.alien.visitors,sci.math,alt.politics.org.nsa
Subject: The Grays' involvement in cryptography and national security
Summary: How the NSA has got help from extraterrtestrials
Date: 25 Jan 94 07:05:10 GMT
One thing that the NSA will not reveal is the magnitude of their advancement
in theoretical mathematics and cryptography. It is estimated that the
NSA is about 200 years ahead of the rest of the world in mathematical
theory. This not only allows them to break any code devised outside of the
NSA, but to devise codes which cannot be broken.
A tiny part of this advancement is due to an intensive mathematics research
program commenced in the 1960s. Fermat's Last Theorem was proven conclusively
in 1964, but only those in the NSA know of it. Some 2,000 theorems and
lemmas, all numbered and classified, have arisen. At least a dozen branches
of theoretical mathematics such as flag theory, superspace theory,
interstice theory, match theory and quantum logic have been developed,
and yet not only has the outside world never heard of them, but the NSA has
been deliberately inserting disinformation into textbooks, research
papers, et cetera to keep everybody else off the trail.
Most of this advancement has been achieved with outside help. In 1973,
during the Nixon Administration, the NSA hooked up fith the Jason
Society, the top-secret body that liaises with the extraterrestrial
beings known as the Grays. This gave them an immediate infusion of
mathematical theory, as the grays have developed mathematics to a
level which we cannot completely comprehend. In return, the grays
were given two more bases in New Mexico and a 15% increase in the
number of people that they may abduct per year for analysis and
extraction of vital fluids.
The Grays have renegged on their abduction quota agreement, and are
abducting many more people than before. Most of these are returned, after
being implanted with a device which allows the grays to have total
control over their thoughts and actions. Approximately 40% of Americans now
carry one of these devices, which are impossible to remove without killing the
host.
Richard E. Mallinson
["It's a cookbook!" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 1994 16:43:04 -0500
From: lost in editing
Subject: OK, who told?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
From: James Lileks' syndicated column which "looks back" on 1994:
JUNE: The Internet is revealed to be a huge practical
joke run by a guy in Minot, N.D.
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Date: Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:20:46 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Own goals!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: margo@das.harvard.edu
From: andy@pathfinder.cbr.com (Andrew Liu)
From: hm@star.rl.ac.uk (Huw Morris)
I'd like to share with you a little gem I heard on the radio last night.
It concerns a match played last weekend between Barbados and Grenada in
some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals
in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by
a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game
going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0 victory. (Yes,
I'm sure you can all see what's coming....)
With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the
tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not going to
score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and
deliberately scored an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada,
themselves not being stupid, realised what was going on, and then
attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players
started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five
minutes, therefore, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of
a team defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately
trying to score an own goal!
Naturally, the game went to penalties, which Barbados won...
This story is completely true, I assure you. Apparently it was being
televised live, so I hope to see highlights of it soon!
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Date: Mon, 31 Jan 94 07:49:13 PST
From: Miriam Nadel <nadel@attatash.aero.org>
Subject: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
To: eniac
>LONDON (Reuter) - "Proceedings of the Second International
>Workshop on Nude Mice," a work resulting from a symposium on
>the health of mice and published by the University of Tokyo
>Press, has won the Oddest of the Odd Book Title award.
>
> The award, presented by Britain's Bookseller magazine and
>announced in Saturday's Times newspaper, was won by the work
>despite strong competition from such titles as "Big and Very
>Big Hole Drilling" and "Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian
>Personality."
But I actually own a copy of _Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality_.
It's a perfectly reasonable collection of articles from The Journal of
Polymorphous Perversity. I particularly liked the pieces on womb envy and
on psychotherapy of the dead, the latter being infamous for noting that
dead patients tend not to pay their bills.
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Date: Fri, 28 Jan 1994 16:08:43 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
I always thought that 'Intel Inside' was a warning required
by Truth in Advertising laws...
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Date: Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:21:05 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning,
he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing
wet copper armour and shouting "All gods are bastards".
-- Terry Pratchett
[I dunno about person, but my desk exhibits chaos of this magnitude.
--spaf]
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Date: Tue, 1 Feb 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"It was absolutely the most disgusting thing I've ever been a
part of, and I hope they ask me back next year."
Janis Ian (folk singer who was one of the judges on Howard
Stern's pay per view New Year's eve special)
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Date: Fri, 4 Feb 1994 17:42:22 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Death of Proof
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
>From the January 1994 "letters to the editors column" of
Scientific American:
Hey, man, thanks a lot for "The Death of Proof." What my
buddies down the hall liked best was what you said about how us
students don't relate to proofs. We don't. They're real hard,
and I don't think we should have to do them, not when you can
get the same stuff from those neat color videos. The Grateful
Dead likes them too!
If you guys keep writing neat stories like this about how math
is getting easier and so much cooler, maybe us guys will take
some more math courses and maybe even become real mathematicians,
'cause it looks like a real neat job now and not boring like
I always thought because of all those numbers and equations and
stuff.
Beavis and Butt-head say hi.
Bob Merkin
Northampton, Mass.
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Date: Fri, 4 Feb 1994 08:02:01 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The New York Times resorts to emoticons?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: "unimpeachable leakage of netidioms to mass society"
("Emoticon" is, as I remember, the $10 (adjusted for inflation) word for
"smiley".)
From: claird@sugar.NeoSoft.COM (Cameron Laird)
Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks,alt.folklore.urban,news.groups,sci.math,alt.books.reviews,alt.culture.usenet
Subject: Infection (was: Usenet Rules (was: Charter discussion: soc.history.war.world-war-i))
Date: 31 Jan 94 20:32:01 GMT
Apparently the standards of etiquette smelted in the crucible of UseNet
are spreading to the outside world. In
Krantz, Steven G.
1994 "The Immortality of Proof", Notices
of the American Mathematical Society,
volume 41, number 1, pages 10-13
(January 1994),
a competent "response to the cover story, 'The Death of Proof,' in the
October 1993 issue of *Scientific Ameri- can*", Krantz attempts to
highlight the distinction between playing with bubble bath and being a
differential geometer. He writes, "William Jennings Bryan was a great
public speaker and so was Adolph Hitler."
A serious spoilsport might propose that both Krantz and netizens derive
their imagery from some larger underlying cultural pool. Even if this
turns out to be the case, perhaps it's time to be on the alert for more
unimpeachable leakage of netidioms to mass society: what month will
headliners for the *New York Times* resort to emoticons? How long before
the president of Tadzhikistan begins an ad- dress to the United Nations
with an apology for being a newbie? When each home is wired with five
hundred channels of full video, what will be the ratio of broadcasts of
a presidential speech, to full-motion, real-time, three-second delayed
parodistic hacks of that same speech? Does anyone realize that the
bylaws of the New York Stock Exchange in- clude no provision for denying
a listing to Alt.Bonzo Corporation? Answers, of course, are left to
the student, as an exercise.
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Date: Fri, 4 Feb 1994 15:45:48 -0500 (EST)
From: Paul Thublin <paul@sware.com>
Subject: uncertain principles
To: kswalt@hasse.mitre.org (Kurt Stirewalt), spaf
Here's a gem of a .sig (taken from a Navy client's problem report):
|"The mere act of drinking beer in an attempt to measure your tolerance
| is likely to affect your impression of how many beers you've drunk."
| -- The Heineken uncertainty principle --
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Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 23:16:25 -0800 (PST)
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Yucks submission
To: spaf
> Newsgroups: ba.jobs.offered
> From: Cheryl_Erickson@Taligent.com (Cheryl Erickson)
> Subject: MULTIMEDIA SOFTWARE ENGINEER, TALIGENT, INC., CUPERTINO, CA
> Organization: Taligent, Inc.
> Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 00:17:06 GMT
>
> At Taligent, weUre on to a revolutionary idea, developing an exciting
> technology foundation which will usher in the next wave of computing.
> WeUre developing system software environments based completely on object
> oriented technology that are geared toward accelerating brilliant ideas.
> Our architectural approach is through OO frameworks -- or software building
> blocks -- that address all levels of system and application services that
> are open for extension. That means all the industryUs best minds will be
> able to collaborate and contribute to the environments -- making the
> customer the ultimate winner. Backing all of this exciting technology,
> Taligent is proud to announce Hewlett-Packard has joined Apple and IBM as a
> strategic partner. We have the direction, and we have the support. Now
> all weUre missing is more talent to help us continue to bring our vision to
> the market. If youUve got some great ideas of your own, start by sending
> us your resume, today.
Um, how about if the industryUs best minds get together and figure
out how to map the quote character to ASCII 0x39?
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End of Yucks Digest
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