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Yucks Digest V4 #4 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 28 Jan 94 Volume 4 : Issue 4
Today's Topics:
Alex Trebek, modern-day Nostradamus
A Mayo v. Satan and his Servants for the Nineties
and the first fix is NEVER right
BREASTS: Linguistic Survey
Bugs of a different color?
citations
CS vs. CSE
Don't drink the water.
Emasc under X
grand saline, a fab-u-lous place...
Happy Birthday, Dr. King!
idea for a game show
Irish gas station
Klingon Bible
Lorena Bobbit Trial--Special Edition
mid-season sinkings
new e-service
nothing is ever right the first time
Or *doesn't* work, in this case...
potholes on the information highway
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
rm -rf /
Sex and Client Server
SPAM LAUNCHING IN VERMONT!!!!
The things you find surfing the net
thread on alt.folklore.computers
Tweet and Tower Yucks
Was this in today's Austin American Statesman?
You've heard of a "whisky tenor" now meet a "beer soprano"...
yuck
Yucks Digest Submission.
Yucks Digest V4 #3 (shorts)
yucks submission
yucks submission: Cactii
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 94 02:06:38 EST
From: normanc523@aol.com
Subject: Alex Trebek, modern-day Nostradamus
To: spaf
The 1994 "Jeopardy" desk calendar, which has a stumper for each day of the
year, offered this quiz answer on the page devoted to Monday, January 17:
"In the lyrics that end, 'Ring-around-the-rosy,' this occurs."
And, the question: "What is: 'We all fall down'?"
Quoted from the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 20, 1994.
------------------------------
Date: 20 Jan 94 02:35:28 GMT
From: thf2@midway.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank)
Subject: A Mayo v. Satan and his Servants for the Nineties
Newsgroups: misc.legal.moderated,bit.listserv.lawsch-l,misc.legal,alt.folklore.urban,alt.conspiracy
Collectors of weird cases everywhere, look no further. Of course, we
all have Mayo v. Satan and his Servants, where a loon's lawsuit against
Satan was dismissed because of inability to deliver proper service.
Amusing, yes, but somehow... dated and *quaint*. Especially what with
the all-too-cutesy references to Daniel Webster. The Blackie the Talking
Cat case was humorous, but had a 1920's hucksterish spin to it, despite
its recent date. No, what the Teeming Millions cry out for is a *new*
weird case, a case for *our* decade, a _Mayo_ for the Nineties.
Well, look no further, ye faithful. Tyler v. Carter, a lawsuit testing
the bounds of the literal words of Rule 12(b)(6), is already on W*stlaw
databases, and will be in the F.R.D. fairly soon. It starts off with
"Plaintiff contends she is a cyborg," and only gets better. Jimmy
Carter, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, David Rockefeller, IBM, Iron Mountain,
BCCI, among others, are all implicated, and, unlike _Mayo_, the plaintiff
does have the capacity to effect service, necessitating the appearance
of taxpayer-funded lawyers to defend the wide-ranging allegations, which
include breeding farms for snuff films.
The citation is in my .sig. Be the first at your law school to amaze your
friends and astound your enemies and amuse your civil procedure professors.
But don't let A.J. Teel get a hold of the case -- who knows what it could
do in the wrong hands...
Followups to the unmoderated misc.legal and bit.listserv.lawsch-l.
--
ted frank | Reason #273 not to trust out-of-context court quotes:
the u of c | "Jimmy Carter was the secret head of the Ku Klux Klan; Bill
law school | Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy Carter."
kibo#=0.5 | -- Tyler v. Carter, 1993 WL 454256 (S.D.N.Y.)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 94 11:18:39 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: and the first fix is NEVER right
To: spaf
[This is a follow-on to the comments about how to conduct a
prelim or thesis exam. --spaf]
=> From: rcte4@menudo.uh.edu (Scot Carpenter)
=> C. The main part
7. Rattle the examinee by asking questions with an all-too-obvious
answer, such as "and what does an alpha of .05 mean?" Press the
issue by interrupting the examinee in mid-answer.
8. Introduce irrelevancies to see if the examinee has the
confidence to confront the examiner. Adopt an agressive, if
irrational, stance to determine whether the examinee has
sufficient background in the subject to discern the logical
fallacies in the examiner's questions.
9. If the examinee appears to be gaining the upper hand, i.e.
showing the fallacies in the examiner's line of questioning, say
"That is enough, thank you" and begin making copious, if quite
bogus, notes on a legal pad.
10. Most importantly, if the examinee is a non-native English
speaker, speak quickly and use as much jargon as possible,
Interrupt whenever possible, and if the examinee shows the least
amount of discomfiture, say (in a loud, agressive tone) "What
did you say?" If the examinee shows evidence of
misunderstanding, use increasingly erudite and obscure terms,
then loudly say "Thank you, that is enough." and begin writing
gibberish on a pad of paper while shaking your head.
=> D. The conclusion
3. Arrange before the examination to schedule a faculty meeting
immediately after the exam. The exam should ideally be held at
about 8:00 am, then the faculty meeting will follow, with all
the faculty going to lunch after the general meeting. If held
on a Friday, the graduate committee can scatter after lunch,
and the chairman, if he or she is unusually benevolent, can
inform the examinee that the results will be posted in a public
place early the next week.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jan 94 21:33:00 -0500
From: s6100010@nickel.laurentian.ca
Subject: BREASTS: Linguistic Survey
Newsgroups: soc.culture.african
TERMINOLOGY SURVEY QUESTIONNAIRE
Linguistic Anthropology
Please answer the following questions and send them to OTIS
S6100010@Nickel.Laurentian.Ca
This info will be used for my thesis paper.
1.Gender
2.Age
3.Religion
4.Ethnic Background
5.Occupation (is student please state major)(
6.What terms do you ussually use to refer to women's breasts?
7.What terms have you heard used to refer to women's breasts?
8.Do any of the above terms refer to specific attributes? If so, please state
those attributes.
9.Comments
THANKS IN ADVANCE
[Some people have too much time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 12:36:24 CST
From: "Michael Cook, 124-211, x2792" <mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com>
Subject: Bugs of a different color?
To: SPAF
>From Info-Mac Digest V12 #6:
----------
File: JetFrog 3.0.4.sit (176811 bytes)
DL time (9600 baud): < 4 minutes
Download count: 284
Uploaded on: America Online
AUTHOR: Dan Green (MPG6)
EQUIPMENT: Any Mac (color recommended)
NEEDS: A person
LIBRARY: New/Arcade/MGM
KEYWORDS: JET FROG TONGUE FLIES
Cool game where you are a frog in search of flies. The addition of a jet pack
gives you an edge over the flies. Four awesome levels! New version 3.0.4 that
fixes major bugs in JetFrog 3.0.2 c.
----------
(What could those "major bugs" be? Frogs, watch out! -- MLC)
[The image of a frog with a jetback is mind-boggling. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 94 10:59 EST
From: wolit@library.att.com
Subject: citations
To: eniac
Citations from the mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results ("mini-JIR"),
Issue Number 1994-01, January, 1994:
"Colonic Removal of a 'Pop-Up Meat Thermometer' from the Sigmoid Colon,"
by R. G. Norfleet, G. Skerven, and H. T. Chatterton, "Journal of
Clinical Gastroenterology," vol. 6, no. 5, pp. 477-478.
"Surgical Management of an Epidemic of Penile Amputations in Siam," by
Kasian Bhanganada, Tu Chayavatana, Chumporn Pongnumkul, Anunt
Tonmukayakul, Piyasakol Sakolsatayadorn, Krit Komaratal, and Henry
Wilde, "The American Journal of Surgery," 1983, no. 146, pp. 376-382.
The report reads in part: "It became fashionable in the decade after
1970 for the humiliated Thai wife to wait until her [philandering]
husband fell asleep so that she could quickly sever his penis with a
kitchen knife. A traditional Thai home is elevated on pilings and the
windows are open to allow for ventilation. The area under the house is
the home of the family pigs, chickens, and ducks. Thus, it is quite
usual that an amputated penis is tossed out of an open window, where it
may be captured by a duck."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 16:43:35 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: CS vs. CSE
This handy guide gives the equivalences between CS and CS&E departments
Computer Science Computer Science and Engineering
Algorithms Civil Engineering
Operating Systems Analog Curcuits
C on a Unix box Assembly on a VM/370
Lisp batch mode Lisp on a VM/370
Xterm 3270
modem two bricks and a Clapper
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Jan 94 3:20:01 EST
From: zik@enoch.cl.msu.edu (Ed Symanzik)
Subject: Don't drink the water.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
While reading an article titled "California earthquake at a glance"
in clari.news.hot.laquake, I came across the following item:
> --Drinking water from tankers and portable toilets provided in
> affected areas.
None for me, thanks.
--Ed Symanzik <zik@enoch.cl.msu.edu>
Ed then followed that comment up with this:
Subject: Don't drink the water (Copyright infringement)
From: zik@enoch.cl.msu.edu (Ed Symanzik)
Keywords: topical, smirk, metahumor
I just submitted a one-liner from an article posted in clari.news.hot.laquake.
Although we are not a paid subscription site, this newsgroup showed up at
our site within a couple of hours of the L.A. quake. I suspected this was
a good will gesture on the part of Clarinet. However, the next article
posted included the following copyright notice.
>This, and all articles in the clari.* news hierarchy, are Copyright 1994
>by the wire service or information provider, and licensed to ClariNet
>Communications Corp. for distribution. Except for articles in the
>biz.clarinet.sample newsgroup, only paid subscribers may access these
>articles. Any unauthorized access, reproduction or transmission is strictly
>prohibited.
> We offer a reward to the person who first provides us with information
>that helps stop those who distribute or receive our news feeds without
>authorization. Please send reports to reward@clarinet.com.
I would therefore like to turn myself in and collect the reward.
Thank you.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jan 94 17:03:26 GMT
From: gelinas@VAX1.cmr.ca (Dr. Jacques Gelinas)
Subject: Emasc under X
Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.misc
Yes, that Lorena Bobbit has many men typing "emacs" with one hand only
and transposing the last two letters in email headers...
--
Name and sex witheld as a precaution.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 94 09:25:36 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: grand saline, a fab-u-lous place...
To: spaf
From: "Swami-ji B. Jeebees (\"x\"" <@manitoba.marcam.com:trevay@marcam.com>
Parents in Grand Saline, Texas, removed a picture of Santa Claus from a
school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan".
Which caused Esquire editors to note that the letters in "Grand Saline,
Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Grand Anal Sex Site".
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 94 12:20:04 EST
From: spaethm@camelot-o.eng.ohio-state.edu (Mark C Spaeth)
Subject: Happy Birthday, Dr. King!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here at The Ohio State University, the dining halls usually have special
meals celebrating holidays. Martin Luther King day was no different.
The highlight of the evening meal was a collection of sheet cakes, decorated
with the words: "Happy Birthday, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr!"
All of the cakes were white with white frosting.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Jan 1994 17:38:45 GMT
From: josh@pogo.cqs.washington.edu (doc)
Subject: idea for a game show
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
I am reminded of an ad which used to run regularly in _Science_
magazine (so, I'm a scientist, so sue me), for the "Brinkman
Homogenizer!", which is basically a really gonzo blender. The
copy read "Homogenize cells, tissues -- even a WHOLE MOUSE!
IN SECONDS!"
And it had a picture of this mouse, being dangled by its tail,
head first over the gaping maw of the Brinkman Homogenizer. On
the whole, the animal looked remarkably calm about it all.
I now wonder what one might do with mouse homogenate.
[I can think of many things, and my cats have a few more suggestions.
My past few months of spooning babyfood into my daughter makes me
wonder if Gerber is using a Brinkman or two.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 94 19:30:09 EST
From: gavin.peters@canrem.com (Gavin Peters)
Subject: Irish gas station
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I heard this one from a friend (?) of mine, Ryan Sexsmith.
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes
upon a gas station. Now, since he's in need of gasolene, the
man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station,
"Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're fresh out
of gasolene." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm still a
bit low on oil, would you mind topping that off?" And the
attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks,
and asks the attendant to wash his window, to which he gets the
by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this
point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of
gas station is this?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very
carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, it's an IRA
front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 94 08:37:28 -0500
From: (null)
Subject: Klingon Bible
To: spaf
Lest the secular side go without its due notice -
The Klingon Language Institute is also sponsoring, in parallel with the Klingon
Bible Translation Project, the Klingon Shakespeare *Restoration* Project,
whose goal is to restore the Compleat Bard to the original Klingon. Already
in progress are translations of Henry V (HenrIy' vaghDIch), Hamlet, and
the Scottish play (maqbetlh), among others.
When you get a group as large as the KLI together, it's amazing how all that
free time on everyone's hands adds up. :)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 94 3:20:01 EST
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: Lorena Bobbit Trial--Special Edition
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Lorena Bobbit is on trial, and the jokes are coming in. In case
you need a reference, this is the woman who cut off her husband's
manly part. Pass the Diet Slice, please.
=========
Subject: The Bobbits
From: Doug.Landauer@eng.sun.com (Doug Landauer)
I saw the ad ...
You remember all those great hits from The Bobbits --
Mac the Knife
Love Hurts
My Ding-a-Ling
... and many more!
Well, now you can get them all, for only $19.95 in this
new collection from K-TEL.
Operators are standing by! If you buy now, we'll throw in
one extra, surprise cut!
Call now!
[Co-sponsored by Ginsu.]
=========
Subject: You want fries with that?
From: sonix@schunix.com
Keywords: topical, chuckle, sexual
Don't give me any credit for this, I heard David Letterman tell it. But it's
still funny enough to share:
Well, the Lorena Bobbitt trial is now underway, and all kinds of new
information is being unearthed every day. Now, now it seems that on
the night in question, Lorena Bobbitt *did* in fact want to have sex...
...she just wanted it *to go*.
=========
From: gflowers@cognex.com (Gail Flowers)
Heard this one from my brother:
In an effort to decrease the amount of publicity that he's been getting lately,
John Bobbit has changed his name to Les Johnson.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 12:54:37 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: mid-season sinkings
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
|NETWORK MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS
|BY Roy Trumbull copyright 1993
|non commercial use granted with author credit
|
|Married With Cleaver
|A mixed up housewife with a lout of a husband keeps micro surgeons
|on their toes.
I wondered when the Bobbitts would get their own show.
I wonder whether Ginsu or Cutco will be the sponsor. Or
maybe GE, the makers of the electric carving knife of choice
for feminists everywhere. Or, in typical USAian "bigger is
better" fashion, she'll just go for the Osterizer?
Also, look for the surprise cameo by Naomi Wolf, who will
try to show Lorena (played by Madonna) how to "make friends"
with Mr. Penis (played by part of Sean Pean), only to be
circumsized herself by a drunken Kenyan with two heads
(Saidi Myinyi Gaidi as himself).
The final show of this planned 12-parter includes a surprise
grand finale involving Michael Jackson, a secret commune in
Wacko, TX, the BATF (played by the FBI), the FBI (played by
John Wayne), and Bill Clinton (played by Alfred E. neuman).
At the show's end, the camera pans back on Lorena and Bob
Packwood driving off into the sunset as Lorena slyly pulls
a Swiss Army Knife out of her hairdo, leans over towards Bob,
and the car runs off the road into a phone pole [1].
-Mike Debinhex, TV Critic At Large
[1] Someone avoiding a fly?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 15:31:56 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: new e-service
To: spaf
From: solarcar@zeta.coe.neu.edu (Randell Drane (Prof. Kowalski))
Newsgroups: rec.skiing
Subject: Re: Problems getting of lifts (with a snowboard)
Date: 17 Jan 1994 22:31:25 GMT
In article <2heojj$4ib@cmcl2.NYU.EDU> prokoshn@acf2.nyu.edu (Andrew) writes:
[....]
emaul me if you would like to continue the discussion...
[I wonder if "emaul" requires a Brinkman? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 94 11:15:50 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: nothing is ever right the first time
To: spaf
so here's some more on giving oral exams
=> From: bpc@netcom.com (Benjamin P. Carter)
One additional suggestion: if the candidate is not sufficiently
discouraged and is judged to have passed the examination, then
the committee should make it clear to the candidate that the
decision was a very difficult one, and far from unanimous.
This strategy is guaranteed to make even the successful candidates
suffer so much that many of them will stumble over subsequent
hurdles (of which there should be as many as possible).
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 20:02:01 -0800 (PST)
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Or *doesn't* work, in this case...
As Mr. Michael Tuciarone said when I told him about these messages, "You
just can't *buy* irony like that"....
From: news
Date: 22 Jan 94 03:41:32 GMT
To: usenet
Subject: Newsgroup alt.human-brain created
Responding-System: auspex-gw.auspex.com
A new newsgroup called 'alt.human-brain' has been created by barrnet.net!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!col.hp.com!csn!shawnspo.
barrnet.net!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!col.hp.com!csn!shawnspo says:
Discussion on how the Human Brain acts and works.
From: news
Date: 22 Jan 94 03:55:18 GMT
To: usenet
Subject: Newsgroup alt.brain created
Responding-System: auspex-gw.auspex.com
A new newsgroup called 'alt.brain' has been created by barrnet.net!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!col.hp.com!csn!shawnspo.
barrnet.net!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!col.hp.com!csn!shawnspo says:
Discussion on the Human Brain and how it works.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 94 16:37:53 EST
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: potholes on the information highway
To: eniac
nn just presented me with a new newsgroup, comp.org.lisp-users. The
first four subject lines in this auspicious new group:
New newsgroup comp.org.lisp-users
Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon
B
car for sale
"B" was the title of an empty message. I did not read the last thread
to find out if the car was programmed in lisp.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Don't squat when waiting for a bus or a person. Don't spit in
public. Don't point at people with your fingers. Don't make
noise. Don't laugh loudly. Don't yell or call to people from
a distance. Don't pick your teeth, pick your nose, blow your
nose, pick at your ears, rub your eyes or rub dirt off your
skin. Don't scratch, take off your shoes, burp, stretch or
hum."
- From a list of tips to travellers abroad, issued by the
Chinese Government.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
More from the "Less Great Art; More Nice People" department -
William Faulkner's daughter Jill bitterly recalls trying to stop the
great writer/tiresome drunk from proceeding on one of his jags:
"It was just before my birthday and I knew that Pappy was getting
ready to start on one of these boots. I went to him - the only time
I ever did - and said, 'Please don't start drinking.' And he was
already well on his way, and he turned to me and said, 'You
know, no one remembers Shakespeare's child.'"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
The Feynman problem solving algorithm
1) Write down the problem
2) Think real hard
3) Write down the answer
- Murray Gell-mann in the New York Times
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jan 94 12:12:04 GMT
From: news@turbo.nsk.su (Internet News)
Subject: rm -rf /
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.admin
Hello All!
Please help me !
How I can recover my filesystems after this command ?
Please send me E-mail on das@sun.nstu.nsk.su
[The correct answer is "Run the 'format' command." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 14:09:25 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sex and Client Server
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
>From Distributed Thinking, by Stewart Alsop, InfoWorld,
January 17, 1994. Stolen shamelessly without permission.
How is Client/Server like Teenage Sex?
* It's on everyone's mind all the time.
* Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
* Almost no one is really doing it.
* The few who are doing it are:
a. doing it poorly
b. sure it will be better next time.
c. not practicing it safely.
* Everyone is bragging about their successes even though few have actually
been successful.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 16:06:23 -0500
From: lenkeit@dg-rtp.dg.com (Matt Lenkeit)
Subject: SPAM LAUNCHING IN VERMONT!!!!
To: spl@szechuan.UCSD.EDU, bmaglari@moose.uvm.edu, 102thamby@zeus.sph.unc.edu
Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid you have been outdone. Fist of all, I want it
stated that we performed the first food launching clearly weeks before your
spam launch. We attached 4 huge bottle rockets (much bigger than your standard
type) onto a potato with fins, and while it never actually left the gound, it
was the first attempt.
Now with this failure we decided to move up in scale. We purchased 3 (three)
D size engines, impailed a potato onto a hollow metal dowel, strapped the
engines onto this and taped on some cardboard fins. We then went out to a
field and had the first LEO (Low Earth Orbit) launching of a potato
(appropriately named Spudnick II). We launched the potato from a metal rod
that fit over the hollow dowel. It was however not a complete success, as
only 2 of the engines ignited and caused a not-so-vertiavl flight (it climbed
to tree-top height, started tumbling, and headed straight for the 7
spectators - no one was harmed). Spud-III is in the design stages and will be
launched sometime before the end of the month.
We too have video tape and would be very interested in a technology exchange,
perhaps an inter-steller launching can be accomplished.
Best of luck to you and your launching, and may the best geeks win!
[ The original Spam (tm?) launching article appeared in Yucks Vol. 3, #33
(and perhaps in the USENET alt.sci.physics.spam group). ]
[Some people have too much time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 10:54:09 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The things you find surfing the net
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 21:24:30 -0800 (PST)
>From the covenant of the Islamic Resistance Movement (Hamas), as
found on "wiretap.spies.com:/Gov/World/hamas.cov":
That is why you find ["the enemies", presumably of Islam]
giving these attempts [to "direct and bring [the Moslem
woman] up, far from Islam"] constant attention through
information campaigns, films, and the school curriculum,
using for that purpose their lackeys who are infiltrated
through Zionish organizations under various names and
shapes, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, espionage groups
and others, which are all nothing more than cells of
subversion and saboteurs.
Jeez, I'll bet the Oddfellows and the Elks are pretty peeved at being
left off the list.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 1994 21:00:36 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: thread on alt.folklore.computers
To: spaf
[in a thread on horrible/obnoxious things to do to computers that are
on display at the local department store. --Pat]
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
From: adam@owlnet.rice.edu (Adam Justin Thornton)
Subject: Re: Tricking Sales Droids
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 02:24:26 GMT
In article <36646@mindlink.bc.ca> Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca (Charlie Gibbs) writes:
>Nowadays I just try to see how obnoxious a combination of colours
>I can come up with. Bright green text on a red background does
>horrible things to one's eyes...
Wow, you mean, you're the layout editor for _Wired_ magazine? Cool.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 94 15:52:26 PST
From: "Peter G. Neumann" <neumann@csl.sri.com>
Subject: Tweet and Tower Yucks
To: spaf
Spaf,
Vegi Foods used to be one of my regular hangouts in SF.
The SWEAT AND SOUR walnuts are absolutely mandatory.
(No, sorry. MANDatory would be almonds, if you'll pardon
the german/yiddish pun.)
The walnuts are FABULOUS. And the purse-peration is
negligble. When last visited, they went for something
like $4.50.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 00:53:12 GMT
From: garret@austin.ibm.com (Grajek)
Subject: Was this in today's Austin American Statesman?
Newsgroups: tx.politics,austin.politics
My subscription to the Austin American Statesman ran
out yesterday -- so I missed my daily allotment of
"The State Knows Best".
So let me guess, the front page story went like this:
=========
WELFARE CHILD ELECTROCUTES HIMSELF CLIMBING HIGH POWER TOWER
Annuda Welfare, age 3, died late last night at Brackenridge
hospital from trauma incurred from electrocution. Police
officer Randy Mosselbaum said that Annuda was found unconscious
on the hood of a Lexus owned by Austin lawyer Sue Emall in the
parking lot of a 7/11 at the 3400 block of I-35.
"I guess his mother was too busy scratching out her lottery
tickets to notice that 1 of her 9 children had crawled out of
the 7/11 and climbed up the high power tower." Stated officer
Mosselbaum.
"I don't know what's wrong with this city," Ms. Gimme
Welfare said. "It's bad enough that my AFDC check doesn't give
me enough to buy more than $100 worth of lottery tickets a
week, and now this!"
She stated that she intended to sue the city, 7/11, the electric
company, the Lottery and Lexus for the death of her child.
Ms. Sue Emal, Ms. Welfare's lawyer, had this comment on the case, "It
is an outrage that our city and businesses could allow a tragedy like
this to happen. You can bet that my firm, `It's All Their Fault Legal
Services', will see that justice is served."
Community activist are also outraged.
"How could the city not forsee a tragedy such as this." Cried
Rev. Tabloid at a press conference held on the steps of city hall.
"It is irresponsible of the city not to have capture devices under
all high power towers in Austin."
Rev. Tabloid went on to say that Austin's underpriviliged kids
had the right to climb such towers since they are "recreationally
disadvantaged."
etc, etc, etc...
-----
was I close?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 14:27:02 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You've heard of a "whisky tenor" now meet a "beer soprano"...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 94 17:41:16 -0800
[Renowned for their miniaturization techniques, the Japanese have a few
ideas about beer. How would you miniaturize beer? Well, hydrogen gas
is much "smaller" than carbon-dioxide ... and if you want to have a real
beer blast ... -psl]
TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest
fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy is the
flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the
environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, the "Suiso" beer
made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been extremely popular at karaoke
sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly;
individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with
an uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano
parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso
beer.
The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from the maker
of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing
director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from
Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100% biodegradable polymer. The
bottle caps are equipped with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up
of pressure in high temperatures.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point,
even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate
marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from
one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke
videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame
contests took place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.
So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of hydrogen used in
the drinks is too low to create potential for bodily harm. In the
factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially
extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito maintained that the
remaining carbon dioxide mixed with hydrogen prevents the rate of
combustion from increasing dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a
nonflammable gas that is naturally contained in the exhaled breath of
humans.
However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product in the US
due to legal complications.
Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or eleven US
dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates lined with concrete to
prevent chain explosions in the event of a fire.
[Okay homebrewer's -- get started! Maybe if you brewed from lima
beans... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 94 09:14:50 -0600
From: Matt Crawford <crawdad@munin.fnal.gov>
Subject: yuck
To: Mister Yuck <spaf>
From: Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Five hundred years ago, two arab countries were at war. The king of
one country called for his finest spy and told him to steal the
enemy's battle plans. That night, the spy sneaked into the enemy
camp and eventually found out where the plans were. He stole them
but, on his way out, he saw the guard had been increased. Needing a
distraction, the spy set fire to the camp's prayer tent, or zigurrat,
and stole out of camp. He hadn't gone more than a few paces when a
squad of heavily armed guards captured him and dragged him before the
enemy leader. The spy was more appalled at having been caught.
The leader smiled and said, "we could smell the smoke from your
cloak." The spy was horrified. "You mean...?"
The leader nodded. "Smoking zigurrats is dangerous to your stealth."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 94 02:19 GMT0
From: Dominic Thomas <dominict@cix.compulink.co.uk>
Subject: Yucks Digest Submission.
To: spaf, dominict@cix.compulink.co.uk
Thought this might be of interest:
>Nottingham, England. April 1993:
>
send
join laurence/flicks
com 583
>READ BOOK LIST
The pages seem to be stuck together with something unpleasant. You drop
it quickly.
>WEAR VEST
It's not your size, and fits you about as well as elastic-sided boots
on a lobster. You feel so ridiculous that you take it off again.
>TURN ON TORCH.
The torch moans softly and writhes for a moment before going limp. Your
hand is sticky.
>EAT MANGO
Yum. Now your face is sticky, too. Flies buzz around your head.
>USE PEAS WITH BLOWPIPE
You spend some minutes strafing the surrounding landscape before
deciding to stop and get a life.
>SCORE
Sure, man. What do you need? I can lay some *bogus* black leb on you...
>QUIT
No! There's no escape - this is LIFE! Mur ha ha ha!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 94 10:19:59 CST
From: unisql!alfred@cs.utexas.edu (Alfred Correira)
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #3 (shorts)
To: cs.purdue.edu!spaf@cs.utexas.edu
> Mrs. Ayes Yilmaz, from Bevealan village near the town of VezirkOprU
> (how does one do umlats?) in Samsum province, took the nappy off her one-year
> old son, Osman, and left him on the bed naked, as it wasa hot summer day.
> She left the room to do some housework, but rushed back a few minutes later
> when the baby screamed. She couldnt believe her eyes; a cat had come in thru
> the window and was eating Ozman's penis. She hurried to Havza State Hospital,
> where Dr Ibrahim Akpinar reassured her that her son was quite well, but had
> been given an expert circumcision. He had never heard of a cat doing it before.
>
> Hmmm... think I'll either title it "Cat Danger" or "Catnip" ...
Perhaps the cat belonged once to Lorena Bobbit? :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 09:09:53 -0600 (CST)
From: thompsn@CC.UManitoba.CA
Subject: yucks submission
To: spaf
... heard on CBC Radio News yesterday, the reporter was in L.A.
covering the earthquake:
"... to help in the search for survivors, rescue crews and police
will be bringing out the dogs, the canine dogs, ..."
! Gee, thanks for clearing that up!
All this time I thought they were using *feline* dogs!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 11:00:52 -0600 (CST)
From: thompsn@CC.UManitoba.CA
Subject: yucks submission: Cactii
To: spaf
Taken without permission from the local paper, (_The Winnipeg Free
Press_) dated Jan 18/94:
_TUNES GET A TAD PRICKLY WHEN PLAYING A CACTUS_
You've probably always considered the cactus a fairly quiet
plant. Think again.
"Apparently, when you put a contact mike on a cactus you get some
really excellent sounds," says Winnipeg vocalist Therese Costes.
The motive for planting a mike on the cactus in the first place
is GroundSwell's latest concert, which is being curated by Costes.
[....]
One of the evening's pieces [...] involves an amplified cactus.
[....]
For the plant-life portion of the program, a microphone will be
hooked up to the cactus. The plant will then be "played" by
percussionist Savador Ferreras. "Apparently, the distance between
the spines is crucial," Costes explains. "You're supposed to get
some really interesting sounds."
We all know Spaf's favorite saying... "Some people have entirely
too much free time on their hands." (*sigh*)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 21:52:15 -0500
From: Leon Marr <marr-leon@CS.YALE.EDU>
To: silent-tristero
This is, alas, an altogether too familiar sort of message around here.
<===== Included message begins =====>
From: jamie@tasman.tivoli.com (Jamie Thompson)
From: jamie@tasman.tivoli.com (Jamie Thompson)
> THEnet sites experienced network wide routing trouble beginning
> shortly after 0900 Wed, Jan 26 1994. The trouble was related to new
> software installed by Sesquinet at the Rice point of presence and
> affected all external routing in Texas. The problem was cleared by
> re-installing the previous software load at about 1130.
>
> We regret the inconvenience caused by this outage.
>
> --
> Jeff Hayward
Translation (by Mike McNally m5@tivoli.com):
> THEnet sites experienced network wide routing trouble
THE NETWORK WAS COMPLETELY HOSED
> beginning shortly after 0900 Wed, Jan 26 1994.
STARTING AT EXACTLY 9 AM TODAY
> The trouble was related to new software
NEW UNTESTED SOFTWARE TURNED OUT TO BE WORTHLESS JUNK
> installed by Sesquinet at the Rice
AND WE WERE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO INSTALL IT
> point of presence and affected all external routing in Texas.
SO THE NETWORK WAS COMPLETELY HOSED
> The problem was cleared by re-installing the previous software
> load at about 1130.
WE JUNKED THE NEW STUFF AND REBOOTED AS SOON AS WE FOUND THE BACKUP
TAPES.
> We regret the inconvenience caused by this outage.
I AM ABOUT TO BE BEATEN SENSELESS BY MY SUPERIORS. PRAY FOR ME.
<===== Included message ends =====>
[``Rice point of presence''? What an evocative phrase! So much more
florid than the prosaic ``node''.
I wonder, Is there a ``Wheat point of absence''? Or a ``Rye point of
pastness''? --- dm]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------