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Yucks Digest V4 #3 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 18 Jan 94 Volume 4 : Issue 3
Today's Topics:
"a slight accident with a several-terabyte-long symlink"
** KENYA MAN HAS TUMOUR BIGGER THAN HIS HEAD **
[bmb@Think.COM: Found on Subgenius Digest]
Alt.Tasteless News (January 1)
Another one for the coffee table
Any idiot can own a cat
Branch Davidian Truth!!!
Chattering monkeys
clinton humor
cutie
DB 1/4
for yucks
FYI
GI insult
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
Klingon Bible
misc.jobs.offered #38968 - Re: Cat Farms.
my dad, the evil professor
O Great Eniac . . .
oops!
Quote of the day (4 msgs)
Results: USENIX Poll: Vegetarian/Vegan restaurants: San Francisco, CA
Something Really Fun
SoundBytes: Adapt or Die!
techno-terrorism
The Bill Pickett Controversy
The Origin of Q: The Awful Truth Revealed!
TV MID SEASON
Voyce noos
what'cha gonna do, throw me in jail...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 1994 18:28:17 -0800
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: "a slight accident with a several-terabyte-long symlink"
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 94 18:15:54 PST
I don't know whether "a several-terabyte-long symlink" means "a symbolic
link file that was several terabytes long" or "a symbolic link to a file
that was several terabytes long", but I *hope* it's the former, as
that's *much* cooler than the latter:
From: torek@BSDI.COM (Chris Torek)
Newsgroups: comp.unix.wizards
Subject: Re: Maximum File Size
Date: 29 Dec 93 09:09:10 GMT
...
4.4BSD has a (signed) 64-bit `off_t' type and uses all of these
bits, supporting files up to 2^63-1 (9223372036854775807) bytes
long (approximately 9 exabytes---the prefix sequence is kilo, mega,
giga, tera, peta, exa). The block sizes, with the triple indirects,
are now the limiting factors. (We will need a new backup format,
however. A file consisting of one byte at the end of a 9 exabyte
hole would take several years to back up. At LBL, I had a slight
accident with a several-terabyte-long symlink that gave us grief.)
...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 Jan 94 21:02:49 GMT
From: grimmer@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Geoff Rimmer)
Subject: ** KENYA MAN HAS TUMOUR BIGGER THAN HIS HEAD **
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
An interesting story in Private Eye magazine this week (31st Dec '93, p15),
reprinted here without permission:
The audience of Kenya TV's _You Might Meet Your Wife_ gasped as the
host Nguo Matsi introduced "Gaidi, the two headed man."
Speaking with difficulty, Saidi Myinyi Gaidi, 23, from Mwavugu
village, Kwale district, described how he had begun growing a second
head in 1991. "It started with a skin itch on the right top edge of
my mouth, which soon developed into a boil. At first I thought it was
acne, but it kept on swelling. I tried to lance it, but it still kept
growing, and ever since I have been fighting a losing battle."
The giant, non-malignant tumour has now grown larger than Gaidi's own
head, blocking his right eye, twisting his mouth, and forcing his
tongue out permanently between his teeth. "I have tried everything -
from lying face-down in a termite hill to smashing it between two
bricks - but all medical help has so far proved futile. Still, on the
plus side, it's not life threatening and my father has reserved fifty
head of cattle as a wedding gift. I would make a good husband. I am
anti female circumcision and kind to animals. And I am a gentleman.
If I win the trip to Cape Town with Miss Katoa, I intend to wear a
sack over my second head." (The Standard [Kenya], 4th October 1993)
["I have tried everything - from lying face-down in a termite hill to
smashing it between two bricks - but all medical help has so far proved
futile." Hmm, sounds like he goes to the same HMO I used to. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 94 09:30:48 EST
From: Ephraim Vishniac <ephraim@think.com>
Subject: [bmb@Think.COM: Found on Subgenius Digest]
To: spaf
From: Bruce Boghosian <bmb@Think.COM>
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 94 08:22:06 EST
Subject: Found on Subgenius Digest
From pg 19. of the January 10, Washington Business section of the
Washington Post
NOT THE APPLE OF HIS EYE
Famed scientist Carl Sagan apparently didn't cotton to Apple
Computer Inc.'s having borrowed his name for an [sic] new
computer.
After receiving a complaint from Sagan, Apple changed the
internal code name of an upcoming model from "Carl Sagan" to
"Butt-Head Astronomer," the San Francisco Chronicle reported.
The scientist asked the company to stop using his name after an
article about the new model appeared in MacWeek magazine, the
newspaper said.
The Butt-Head Astronomer--referred to as BHA for short--is one of
three Apple models that will use the PowerPC microprocessor, which
was developed by an alliance of Apple, Motorola Inc. and
International Business Machines, Corp.
------------------------------
From: weberm@freenet.scri.fsu.edu (Mike Weber)
Subject: Alt.Tasteless News (January 1)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
(From Fortean Times #71):
* A German firm is selling mints containing human blood. Heart Drops
come in four flavours - types O, B, A, and Assorted. Sweet firm boss
Helen Wolfe prefers type A "because they taste like salty watermellon".
* Kuwait Airways is grounding nine new airbuses after finding that seat
covers in first and business class compartments had a pattern
'similar' to the Arabic script for the name of God. To sit down on it
knowingly would be blasphemous.
* Nathan Radlich, 74, returned to his house in Boynton Beach, Florida,
on May 13 and found his bathroom window missing. None of the obvious
things, like electronic gadgets, were stolen; but his fishing tackle
box, lid open, was thrown on the bed. The box, which had held the cremated
remains of his sister Gertrude, was empty. The brother and sister
shared a house for 12 years until she died three years before. Police
guessed that the thief had mistaken the cellophane-wrapped,
greyish-white powder for cocaine. We are reminded that cocaine sold in
Egypt in 1986 was found to be cut with powdered human skull.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 1994 09:18:08 -0800
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Another one for the coffee table
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The Romance of Proctology_
I couldn't resist offering my favorite "weird book title" for the
amusement of the group. It's The Romance of Proctology: which
is the story of the history and development of this much neglected
branch of surgery from its earliest times to the present day,
including brief biographic sketches of those who were its
pioneers. The author of this gem of medical history was Charles
Elton Blanchard, M.D., and the book was originally published in
1938 by Medical Success Press and reprinted by AMS Press in 1978.
I'd also like to take this occasion to quote from the first
sentence in the book's foreword: "No one knows who was the first
doctor to examine the rectal orifice of the human frame."
_Life stories of Dying Penitents_
A 19th cent collection of essays from various people who, on their
deathbeds, tell you why you shouldn't do whatever *they* did.
_The History and Romance of Elastic Webbing_
A moving account of the lives and exploits of the men (and they were
manly men) who made the elastic webbing industry what it is today.
The last sentence is "Lest we forget, lest we forget!" I kid you
not.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 15:52:11 -0800
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Any idiot can own a cat
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: "Lee S. Kilpatrick" (Mr. Breeze) <leekil@BBN.COM>
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 93 23:42:11 -0500
A couple weeks ago, Time magazine ran an article on the Internet.
This week, they had letters from readers responding to that article.
Here's what they published from one reader. I've seen this sentiment
expressed before, but not exactly in this manner.
"So long as the internet remains a challenge to use, so will it remain
immune to buffoonery. It's one of the few things yet unruined -- like
dogs.
Paul Wilson
Indianapolis, Indiana
AOL: Maharishi"
[Must be an IU grad. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 10:40:43 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Branch Davidian Truth!!!
To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III), spaf (Gene Spafford)
>From the Weekly Wacko News, Jan 15, 1994:
Fully Loaded F-15 Strategic Stealth Bomber Found in Branch Davidian Rubble!
The FBI, BATF, CIA and TASS jointly released new evidence
today relavent to the Branch Davidian case. BATF agents,
in conjunction with the NSA and KGB, dug up a previously
unnoticed, but long-suspected, weapon of mass destruction
at the Branch Davidian Archaeological site in Waco, Texas.
According to Janet Reno, head of the Department of Justice,
a BATF photographer tripped over a pitot tube, and decided
to delve further. The result was the airplane shown in the
cover photo, an F-15 Strategic Stealth Bomber, fully loaded
with 17 AIM missles, 37 Sparrow missles, 14 Nike-Hercules
ground to air interceptors, 200 2,000 conventional bombs,
several Soviet SS-21 ballistic missles, dozens of tactical
battlefield nuclear weapons, three 200 gigaton neutron bombs
of French manufacture, various biological and chemical warheads,
an automatic chaff dispenser, a C5A coffee pot, a zero-gravity
toilet, and the phone numbers of three ex-classmates of Bill
Clinton, all of whom swear that Bill not only inhaled, but was
never quite right afterwards.
Reno noted that it is illegal for civilians to own any of
these items in the USA. Also, the remains of several
severely molested thirteen year olds were found stuffed into
the air intake of the fully automatic afterburners on the
F-15, obviously in hopes the evidence would be destroyed.
Further information will be available through Pravda, which
was recently acquired by the US Dept. of Justice.
In an unrelated press conference, a spokesperson for the
BATF noted that several of the most vocal opponents of the
manner in which the Justice Department handled the Branch
Davidian fiasco are being investigated as being illegal
aliens way overdue on their income tax.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1993 00:41:24 GMT
From: doug.granzow@cynosure.clark.net (Doug Granzow)
Subject: Chattering monkeys
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom.tech
-> > If someone could 'hear' all the babble on Usenet, perhaps it would
-> > sound like a zoo full of chattering monkeys?
-> >
-> That has one advantage. If you listen close enough, one day they wil
-> recite Hamlet.
I think I found the following in somone's signature file:
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million
typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."
-- Blair Houghton
[What? They missed Spafford's 2nd Axiom of Usenet (with corrolaries?):
Axiom #2:
"Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of sanity,
intelligence, or common sense."
Corollary #3:
"An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of keyboards
could produce something like Usenet."
Corollary #4:
"They could do a better job of it."
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 1994 08:32:00 +0500
From: nieters@norm.crd.ge.com (Edward J Nieters)
Subject: clinton humor
To: spaf
hanging on an office bulletin board .....
(Vice President Gore thinking to himself) "Ways to raise taxes ... hmmm.
Sin taxes. Those are good. Tax drinking - no one in the administration
drinks. Tax smoking - no one in the administration smokes (Hillary would
have a fit!). Tax fooling around - no one in the ... oh oh!
Another political cartoon:
(caption across the top reads) "Famous Presidential Quotes"
(under picture of George Washington) "I can not tell a lie."
(under picture of FDR) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
(under picture of Bill Clinton) "Your place or mine?"
------------------------------
Date: 11 Jan 94 04:31:35 EST (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@news.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: gatech!cs.purdue.edu!spaf
Contributed by: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying
to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a
mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Jan 94 21:37 CST
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: DB 1/4
To: eniac
It is a proven fact that the average American doesn't care about
the federal budget deficit. Sometimes on the "NBC Nightly News,"
for fun, Tom Brokaw will say, "Next: the federal budget deficit."
Then they'll show a 15-minute videotape, without sound, of a dog
eating peanut butter. They never get a single phone call, because
the instant Tom says, "budget deficit," the viewers grab their
remote controls and switch to sleazy tabloid shows full of "news"
about Roseanne Barr Arnold's husband's tattoos and the William
Kennedy Smith sex-change operation.
-- from Dave Barry's 1994 calendar
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Jan 1994 06:55:57 -0800
From: Brent Auernheimer <brent@CERF.NET>
Subject: for yucks
To: spaf
>From a Universal Press Syndicate story by Chuck Shepherd
* Milwaukee County House of Corrections inmate David Schlemm,
in jail for battering Renae Hertlein, applied for a
Thanksgiving Day pass under the jail's liberal holiday
policy. Employees granted his request despite his having
written as his destination Hertlein's name and address.
Fifteen minutes afer Schlemm left the jail, a
hysterical Hertlein called the police because Schlemm was
trying to break in.
* In November, Brazilian farm laborer Fancisco Asis dos
Santos was hospitalized near sao Paulo after he shot himself
in the eye. He told doctors that he had had a bad toothache and
tried to shoot the tooth out, but missed.
* In November, four girls representing the four classes at
the Silverton Oregon Union High School, as part of a pep
rally contest, vied to see which one could sit on a block
of dry ice the longest. Although the stunt lasted only 15
minutes, the four were rushed to the hospital with second-
and third-degree burns. Dry ice is much colder than ordinary ice.
* In November, a jury in Columbia Mo., convicted Elmer Tatum,
35, of robbery, based in part on the disguise he used. A witness
said the robber wore a large black garbage bag over his
body with only one hole cut out for his right arm. Elmer
Tatum's left arm had long ago been amputated.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 94 10:04:58 -0600
From: jet@il.us.swissbank.com (Jon Tegethoff)
Subject: FYI
Found on the Net:
Humans: Interesting species of semi-intelligent mammals where each individual
is usually more intelligent than a colony of bees or ants, but a comparably
sized group of humans behaves less intelligent than a single bee or ant.
See also: governments, companies, committees, (causes for) wars
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 1994 07:50:39 +0600
From: muchow@digibd.com (Jim Muchow)
Subject: GI insult
To: eniac
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 94 23:50 CST
MSDOS - Gilligan's Island
Not only is this so derogatory to Gilligan's Island that the verdict
in the resultant slander case will probably be carried out by a
Scott Dorsey surplus Chinese sniper rifle, it's just plain wrong.
MSDOS is clearly more like Days of Our Lives, or any of the other
mindless, pointless, dreary soap operas which seem to go on
eternally, their very existence a sad commentary on the miserable
state of millions of human beings. Their continuance is predicated
on ignorance and antisocial behavior among voluntarily braindead
morons with the conscience and mental capacity (nevermind the effect
of) the brown recluse spider. Nevertheless, those millions of
miserable wretches, whose lives are so consumed by this vile cancer,
refuse to give it up.
[Still] Sounds like Gilligan's Island to me.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 94 10:31:43 PST
From: Jamie Andrews <jamie@cs.sfu.ca>
Subject: INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
To: eniac
"Hitchhiker on the Information Superhighway"
"If I Can't Flash Passing Truckers, I Don't Want
to be On the Information Superhighway"
"We Got an Information Superconvoy, Ain't It a Beautiful Sight"
"Information Superhighway: Speed Limit 14400"
"Life Is An Information Superhighway"
or how about
"I'll Take the Information Dirt Road, Thank You"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 94 15:42 EST
From: wolit@library.att.com, slouie@soda.berkeley.edu
Subject: Klingon Bible
To: eniac, others
According to the Associated Press, the Klingon Language Institute in
Flourtown, Pa, is finishing up work on the Klingon Authorized Version
of the Bible.
Unfortunately, there is no Klingon word for or concept of God.
The Klingon Bible Translation Project scholars used the word
"joH'a," Klingon for `Great Lord.'
John 3:16, rendered in the King James Version as, "For God so loved
the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever
believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life,"
looks like this in Klingon: toH qo' muSHa'pu'qu'mo' joH'a', wa'
puqloDDaj nobpu' ghaH `ej ghaHbaq Harchugh vay', vaj not Hegh ghaH,
`ach yIn jub ghajbeh ghaH.
>From the AP Wire:
Bible translators bring Gospel to Klingons
Red Lake Falls, Minn-- If it doesn't wind up in a hotel nightstand drawer, it
will likely find a home on the shelves of "Star Trek" buffs.
A group of scholars is stranslating the Bible into the language of
the Klingons, the warriors of the science-fiction TV series and movies.
Glen Proechel, director of last summer's Klingon Language Camp in this
northwestern Minnesota town, says the Bible wil supplement a Klingon dictionary
created by Marc Okrand.
In 1984 Paramount Studios hired Okrand to develip Klingon into a
full-fledged language for "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock."
Proechel, a Spanish instructor at the University of Minnesota at
Crookston, has already translated the first few chapters of the Gospel of John.
Hebrew scholar Mark Shoulson has finished the book of Jonah.
One problem so far: There is no Klingon word for or concept of God.
Shoulson used the word "joH's," Klingon for "great lord."
The Klingon Bible Translation Project is sponsored by the Klingon
Language Institute in Flourtown, PA. The finished product will be called the
Klingon Authorized Version.
=====
Golly, I can't wait for them to come out with "How to Win Friends and
Influence People."
[All together now: some people have entirely too much free time on
their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 94 07:51:47+080
From: reid@iss.nus.sg (Thomas Reid)
Subject: misc.jobs.offered #38968 - Re: Cat Farms.
To: spaf
In article <1994Jan10.124352.1112@titan.ksc.nasa.gov>, (Zippy the Pinhead) writes:
|> In article <CJ5GF0.M2x@iat.holonet.net>, bwilliam@iat.holonet.net (Bill Williams) says:
|> >
|> >after reading this in alt.evil I just thought I'd like to add that run of
|> >the mill cats can be rounded up around neighborhoods easily and fetch $5
|> >each when sold for research. Easy money but you need help of lots of
|> >neighborhood children to get the most cats. The damned local humane
|> >society won't turn them over so ya gotta round up the little guys yourself.
|> >
|>
|> Better than that, let's round up the damn neighborhood children! They would
|> be infinitely more entertaining, and more economically feasible, to boot! Just
|> think of it: the screaming, illiterate spawn of the breeding moron across the street
|> would be perfect subjects for experimentation. In addition, you would be helping
|> rid society of ilk, as these people appear to breed exponentially ...
[I'm not sure what the article was that generated these followups. I'm not sure
I really want to know. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 94 10:03:58 +0100
From: wendy@il.us.swissbank.com (Wendy Nather)
Subject: my dad, the evil professor
To: bob
This is what my dad does to poor grad students during thesis defense:
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 94 07:34:07 CST
From: nather@astro.as.utexas.edu (Ed Nather)
Subject: Re: do you ever do this?
I have my own ploy: before the oral exam, I go to the library and
pick up a stack of very old, yellowing journals from the stack, put
little pieces of paper in each one marking a page, and carry them to
the presentation. I make sure the candidate sees them, their aged
condition, and the little page markers jutting out. I set them on
the floor next to my chair with a smug, satisfied smile.
I never refer to them, of course.
[Hmm, I'll have to think about adopting this technique.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 93 16:09 GMT
From: jack@cee.hw.ac.uk (Jack Campin)
Subject: O Great Eniac . . .
To: eniac
[....]
- I'D KNOW THOSE SURFACE ANTIGENS ANYWHERE! YOU ARE UNMASKED, SALMONELLA
TYPHIMURIUM! YOUR BROTHER KILLED MY BROTHER AND I SWORE ON HIS DYING
ANTIBODIES TO BE AVENGED! DASTARD, PREPARE TO YIELD UP THY PLASMIDS!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 94 18:28:37 CST
From: shoe@tivoli.com (Mark Shoemaker)
Subject: oops!
To: bob
>From the EDUCOM EDUPAGE Newsletter:
BUT DID THEY GET IT TO WORK? Panic broke out at the Pentagon when a
Florida man asked for instructions on how to work a radio amplifier he
bought an auction for $97. The "radio amplifier" turned out to be a
$472,850 piece of military hardware vital for US global communications in
the event of nuclear war. It was mistakenly shipped to a haulage warehouse
in Lakeland, Florida. (Ottawa Citizen, 01/07/94 A5).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Two weeks prior to his October hospital admission, he attempted suicide
by means of nicotine overdose. He placed seven 21-mg nicotine patches
on his chest and began smoking cigarettes, two at a time. Prior to
applying the patches, he had flushed the patch enclosures down the
toilet. It was his intent to precipitate myocardial infarction, and he
had planned to hurriedly remove the patches and dispose of them once he
developed chest pain. He also brewed and consumed a pot of
double-strength coffee. Approximately two hours into this attempt,
having experienced no chest pain or other untoward symptoms, he became
anxious that he might actually succeed in his suicide attempt and
abruptly removed all the patches and discontinued smoking."
- from a letter published in the _Journal of the American Medical
Association_, written by Drs. C. Engel and A. H. Parmentier of the
Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital to warn doctors of "a new variety of
drug overdose".
[why would someone become anxious after mega-doses of nicotine and
caffeine? - ed.]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Jan 94 05:50:03 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
A Russian tourist agent, asked to provide an American visitor to Russia
with a wild bear hunt, bought the bear from a circus and released it in
Moscow's Perdelkino Forest. The newspaper Vecernaya Moskva reported that as
the hunter closed in on the prey, a postal carrier passed by on bicycle,
saw the bear and tumbled off in surprise. The trained bear climbed on the
bike and pedalled off, leaving the American to sue for fraud.
- found in Terminal City, a Vancouver music scene rag
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
The time has come, Wolf says, to return feminism to the mainstream,
to strip away its man-hating connotations, to expand it to include
women who may differ on some issues -- say, abortion rights -- but
who agree that women must fight for a fair share of political and
financial power.
Femininism has faltered, Wolf argues, because it has become en-
crusted in academic jargon and poisoned by "the rhetoric of the
penis as a weapon."
"This is very alienating when you go home at night and the penis
is your friend," she says.
Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich
interviewing Naomi Wolf about her new
book, "Fire with Fire: the New Female
Power and How It Will Change the 21st
Century." December 15, 1993
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 94 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
What's a man to do when drownings exceed quota?
Jan Wong
Globe and Mail China Bureau
Beijing
China's central planners decreed this year that only 36 people should
drown in the capital. Unfortunately for Sun Zhanpo, at least 47 already
have.
"We've exceeded the quota," Mr. Sun said with a sigh. "We're going to
be criticized."
Mr. Sun has the unenviable task of meeting (or, rather, not exceeding)
annual drowning quotas in Beijing. He has managed to do that every year
since 1988 - until now.
This is the season when Chinese quota counters anxiously begin sizing
up the past 12 months. Was 1993 a good year for executions? How about
carbon-monoxide asphyxiation? Studying leader Deng Xiaoping's works?
Pneumonia cases? Fires?
"We have too many quotas," complained Yao Hong, a doctor in charge of
quotas at Beijing hospitals. He waved a thick white book of quota
specifications in the air. "We have quotas for 28 illnesses. Each one
has 42 subquotas. You need a computer to figure it out."
Beijing may be completing 15 years of capitalist-style reforms, but it
hasn't given up the ghost of central planning. Stalinist-style quota
fever has infected virtually every aspect of life here, the result of a
cultural obsession with numbers, a bureaucratic urge to quantify and a
Communist desire to control every aspect of life.
What other system has at least three words for quota? Or a vice-mayor
in a city of 11 million in charge of quotas for six kinds of unnatural
deaths?
...
Wang Yi, a government health official, grew rattled as he tried to
clarify the one for food-poisoning deaths. In 1990, he said, the quota
for Beijing was two, but no one died.
"We didn't fulfill our quota," he said.
Dr. Yao, the hospital-quota official, teased him. "What do you mean
you didn't complete it? You mean people have to die?"
Mr. Wang glared at him and continued. "And in 1991, we had a quota of
two deaths, and we fulfilled it exactly."
...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 1994 13:14:00 +0000
From: lost in editing
Subject: Results: USENIX Poll: Vegetarian/Vegan restaurants: San Francisco, CA
In San Francisco, there are many more restaurants where vegetarians
and vegans can eat well, then I have listed. Have fun and experiment
a little! There are also many good vegetarian restaurants outside the
city limits, mostly unlisted for space and time reasons.
<much useful information deleted...>
#*Vegi Food, 1820 Clement (between 19th/20th). 387-8111. Chinese vegetarian
+ brown rice. $5-$10. 5 miles from the Hilton. Take 38 Geary from Geary &
Taylor to 21st, then walk 1 block to Clement; or take 2 Clement from Sutter &
Taylor, and get off at 19th. Try the walnuts in sweat and sour sauce. <...>
[Some experimental cuisines are not destined to catch on. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 18:55:17 -0800
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Something Really Fun
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: <microsoft.com!dante>
(original author and forwards eaten in the night)
Did I tell you about Philip's latest statistic from hell? The average
person _eats_ 5-7 spiders a year in their sleep. Seems the hairy
darlings try to build webs across people's teeth whilst the unsuspecting
folks are sleeping with their mouths open. I have programmed myself to
never again sleep with my mouth open. Some statistics are better not
known. But I pass them on anyway (if I can't sleep, why should you?)
[And how many do we eat while awake? Enquiring minds want to know! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 94 11:24:24 -0500
From: "Internet Multicasting Service" <carl@radio.com>
Subject: SoundBytes: Adapt or Die!
To: "Announcements" <announce@radio.com>
SoundBytes are small, digestible sound clips for your user
interface, produced by Martin Lucas. Today, we feature
"Adapt or Die," 2.2 seconds of versatile actor Arryl P. Masters
in a featured clip from from his audition as narrator for one
of those wildlife shows.
Out of ideas on how to use this fine data? Let's say you are
using a Unix system but insist on aliasing the powerful "ls"
command to the DOS equivalent of "dir." Your Unix manager,
in an effort to give you a bit of positive reinforcement might
do the following:
unix% alias dir "cat adapt.au > /dev/audio ; ls -l"
SoundBytes File Name: 011794_byte_01_IMS.au
This Readme File: 011794_byte_IMS.readme
The Internet Multicasting Service is made possible through
support from Sun Microsystems and O'Reilly & Associates with
additional support from Harper Collins and Persoft. Network
connectivity for the Internet Multicasting Service is provided
by UUNET Technologies and MFS Datanet.
To learn about the Internet Multicasting Service, send your mail
to info@radio.com.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Jan 94 15:27:33 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: techno-terrorism
To: spaf
> A group of 'concerned parents' switched the voices on hundreds of GI Joe
> and Barbie dolls, and they made it to the stores for Xmas.
...
> Pretty funny scene to see a GI Joe in battle garb say
> in a high-pitched voice "Let's go to the mall!"
I saw a bit on this too, where they had Barbie saying:
"Dead men don't tell lies." Gotta love it!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 94 20:24:49 EST
From: enger@seka.reston.ans.net (Robert M. Enger)
Subject: The Bill Pickett Controversy
To: spaf
The Friday January 14, 1994 edition of The Washington Post contains
a front page story regarding the Post Office's upcoming tribute
to "Heroes of the American West", and about a possible mix-up in the
proposed stamp honoring one Bill Pickett. The article cites family
members which have complained to the Post Office that they have used
the image of Ben Pickett, Bill's brother, rather than Bill himself.
The article provides additional background into how Bill became such
a famous rodeo star:
"[...], Pickett perfected the trick of wrestling steers
to the ground 'by biting into their lower lip
in the manner of a bulldog.' That supposedly stunned a
vital nerve in the steer, causing the animal to crumple
to the ground and making Pickett a world-renowned rodeo star."
I wonder what he had to use as a mouth wash?
White Zombie recently released a song titled, "Thunder Kiss '65".
I wonder if it is based on the earlier work of Pickett?
Also, I hope he gave the steer some Ora-Jel afterwards.
Sounds like a pretty grisley procedure. I hope the steer bit back!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Dec 93 09:46:31 -0500
From: "Marc G. Frank" <mgfrank@erebus.com>
Subject: The Origin of Q: The Awful Truth Revealed!
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
In one of those disturbing flashes of insight that changes the way you
look at something for ever and ever, it occurred to me that ST:TNG's Q
is none other than the Flintstone's Great Gazoo transplanted to a
live-action series.
(While I'm at it, am I the only one who'd like to see the crews of the
Enterprise-D and the Love Boat change places for a show or two?)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 94 19:30:04 EST
From: roy547@netcom.com (ROY TRUMBULL)
Subject: TV MID SEASON
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
NETWORK MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS
BY Roy Trumbull copyright 1993
non commercial use granted with author credit
Married With Cleaver
A mixed up housewife with a lout of a husband keeps micro surgeons on their
toes.
Doctor K
Bob Newhart plays a charming worldly suicide assister who runs up frequent flyer
miles and death certificates.
Romeo in Sarajevo
Can a Bosnian youth marry the Serbian maid of his dreams? Complications arise
along with mortar shells, snipers, and Michael Jackson.
Road to Bagdad
Low level Russian grifter has two hydrogen bombs to sell and is pursued by the
CIA, Doubleday, Bantam Books, and a caravan of CNN satellite trucks.
Keep A Straight Face
Bill Murray and Tom Brokaw play two guys who open a school for TV
newscasters in Sarasota, Florida in the same building that houses the Ringling
Bros. Clown College.
Eisner
A mouse poop mountebank opens an amusement park near Paris and expects to
make money although he forbids the selling of wine. (a fantasy)
Fallout
The inventor of blow-in cards is pusued through Hell by a vigilante pack of
magazine readers.
Giant Sucking Sound
A sitcom about a rap group who move into a condo complex in Dallas and
confront a landlord who's all ears
Robodrunk
The DUI from hell who terrorizes the highway with the firepower of a K thru 12..
------------------------------
Date: 6 Jan 1994 11:22:52 GMT
From: mclean@liffe.com (Ross McLean)
Subject: Voyce noos
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles
high everywon comma
ive just got this noo voyce noosreeder interface for the vacs full stop
it seems prity good comma but the only problemso far is yoo haf to speek
real slo otherwise it dusunt spell properly full stop also comma since
eye downloded it from an effteepee sight in rusha the dicshonry isunt too
akurat full stop if anywon wants a copee let me no and eye will try and
send yoo won full stop
[rec.motorcycles?? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 94 17:52:28 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: what'cha gonna do, throw me in jail...
To: spaf
I have just heard about what has to go down in history as the stupidest
rule ever made: The State of Utah, in their infinite wisdom, is banning
all smoking in their prisons. Period. No smoking inside, no smoking in
the yard, no smoking, no exceptions. Better yet, guards and employees
at the prison _can_ smoke, but only in the yard. Vermont apparently
tried a similar experience, and abandoned it after three months. One
can easily imagine why.
------------------------------
Date: 31 Dec 1993 23:15:22 GMT
From: do261@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Mike Weber)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
[...]
Speaking of which, I found something "fun" to post from this month's Fortean
Times...
Mrs. Ayes Yilmaz, from Bevealan village near the town of VezirkOprU
(how does one do umlats?) in Samsum province, took the nappy off her one-year
old son, Osman, and left him on the bed naked, as it wasa hot summer day.
She left the room to do some housework, but rushed back a few minutes later
when the baby screamed. She couldnt believe her eyes; a cat had come in thru
the window and was eating Ozman's penis. She hurried to Havza State Hospital,
where Dr Ibrahim Akpinar reassured her that her son was quite well, but had
been given an expert circumcision. He had never heard of a cat doing it before.
Hmmm... think I'll either title it "Cat Danger" or "Catnip" ...
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------