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Yucks Digest V4 #2 (Year in review)




Yucks Digest                Mon, 10 Jan 94       Volume 4 : Issue   2 

Today's Topics:
                           GSP Digest #457

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 Jan 94 19:29:49 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: GSP Digest #457
To: spaf

[For most things, I assume that the people who submit them to me
have gotten sufficient copyright clearance.  If that was not the 
case with the following, let me try to make a (feeble) attempt to
make this fair use by noting that this is posted to show how
amusing Dave Barry is.  If you like this, go buy one of his books.
Subscribe to a newspaper that carries his weekly column.  Watch
"Dave's World" on TV.  :-)  Most of all, have a happy 1994.  --spaf]

From: Dave Barry
Date: 27 Dec 93 19:11:37 EST
Subject: The year in review

	JANUARY
	1 -- President-elect William Jefferson Rodham Kennedy
Clinton, preparing for the task of being the most powerful human
on Earth after 4,000 straight months on the campaign trail, sits
down with his top aides and a complete set of the World Book
Encyclopedia to learn about all these foreign countries.
Meanwhile, outgoing President Bush, feeling depressed, visits
Somalia to see if he can find out exactly what the beck we are
doing there and whether there are any golf courses.
	2 -- General Motors hires 75,000 workers and immediately
lays them off.
	3 -- Depressed outgoing President Bush goes to Russia to
see if they have any historic nuclear documents for him to sign.
	5 -- In Florida, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization
Service announces a Frequent Rafter Program.
	6 -- Dizzy Gillespie plays his first duet with Gabriel.
Rudolf Nureyev makes the Big Leap.
	7 -- The Clintons, staunch advocates of public education
for ordinary humans, announce that they will enroll their own
personal child, Chelsea, in an elite private school.
	8 -- Depressed outgoing President Bush arrives in France,
which was not expecting him, but which hastily arranges for him
and the French prime minister to reach a couple of important
accords.
	9 -- The U.S. Postal Service releases the new Elvis stamp,
which weighs 253 pounds and is affixed to the envelope via peanut
butter. The Clintons enroll Socks the Cat in Georgetown law
school.
	11 -- The White House, seeking to cheer up depressed
outgoing President Bush, releases excerpts from his diary
supporting his claim that, as vice president, he was not involved
in Iran-Contra. A sample entry:  "November 4, 1985 -- Well, if we
are illegally selling arms to the Iranians and funneling the money
to the Contras, I sure as heck don't know about it."
	13 -- The nomination of Zoe Baird, Clinton's choice for
attorney general, appears to be in trouble following reports that
she is an illegal alien. Several major insurance companies
announce that, because of losses caused by Hurricane Andrew, they
will insure only those Florida homeowners whose homes meet the
tougher new standard of being located outside of Florida.
	16 -- In a highly symbolic display of symbolism, Bill
Clinton and Al Gore begin a historic ride from Monticello, near
Charlottesville, Va., to Washington, in the exact same bus that
Thomas Jefferson used. Meanwhile, depressed outgoing President
Bush shows up unannounced at several Wal-Mart openings in
Missouri. Zoe Baird denies allegations that she once stole a
truck.
	18 -- In a disturbing omen, the Clinton-Gore bus, having
changed direction over 250 times, is still in the Monticello
parking lot. General Motors lays off another 273,000 workers. Zoe
Baird robs a convenience store.
	20 -- The Clinton Inauguration (Official Theme:  "Let's
Beat The Word 'Hope' To Death") goes off without a hitch, except
that Depressed Outgoing President Bush shows up in his bathrobe.
New President Clinton tells the nation that his "No. 1 priority"
will be "jobs, a tax cut for the middle class, deficit reduction,
health care, NAFTA, crime, dental hygiene, litter control,
jogging, hair care, foreign affairs and establishing control over
the weather." The final credits roll for Audrey Hepburn.
	21 -- In what observers see as an indication of possible
inexperience on the part of the Clinton staff, the new President
and his entourage spend six hours trying to locate the White
House, and are ultimately forced to spend the night in a Ramada
Inn near East Orange, N.J.
	22 -- A triumphant Bill Clinton locates the White House
and, getting right to work, wipes out what the kitchen staff
believed to be a two-year supply of french fries.
	23 -- Zoe Baird is forced to withdraw her name from
nomination following a tense 18-hour standoff with agents of the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. President Clinton,
exploring the White House, goes down into the basement and is
shocked to discover a large federal budget deficit.
	24 -- Violently anti-American pro-terrorist religious
fanatic Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman arrives in New York with a
suitcase containing 100 pounds of high explosives and a detailed
map of the World Trade Center. He is able to trick Immigration
authorities into letting him into the country by claiming that he
is here "to see a Knicks game."
	28 -- Tackling the critical issues, President Clinton, the
Pentagon and Congress get into a raging debate over whether we
should change our present policy of saying that we DON'T have gays
in the military, even though of course we DO, to a policy of
saying that we DO have gays in the military, but they can't ACT
gay, or maybe a policy of saying that we're not CRAZY about having
gays in the military, but we'll let them in as long as they don't
SAY they're gay, and we won't ASK them. Finally, a compromise is
reached under which gays ARE allowed in the military, as long as
they swear they are NOT gay while at the same time WINKING to
indicate that they're LYING, but they may not wink in a SUGGESTIVE
MANNER, the exact definition of which will be hammered out by
various congressional committees after holding hearings for the
next 12 or 15 years.

	FEBRUARY
	1 -- In yet another indication of inexperience on the part
of the new administration, the Clintons, returning home after a
dinner at the French Embassy, forget how to deactivate the White
House alarm system, thereby launching a missile strike against
Spain. The President, clearly upset, vows to hold a town meeting.
	2 -- Congress,  in a move with broad public support,
unanimously passes a bill that would permanently ban the Buffalo
Bills from the Super Bowl.
	5 -- A bill is introduced in the Florida State Legislature
that would guarantee the right of mothers to nurse their infants
in public. Sen. Bob Packwood flies in to lend his support.
	6 -- In another setback for the new administration,
President Clinton's second choice for attorney general, Kimba
Wood, is forced to withdraw from consideration after the
Washington Post reports that she failed to pay the federal tax on
people who are named after lionesses.
	7 -- General Motors brings 87,000 workers out of
retirement so it can lay them off. Arthur Ashe jumps his last net.
	8 -- Professional baseball-team owners suspend Cincinnati
Reds owner Marge Schott on the grounds of "extreme stupidity,
even by baseball-team-owner standards," thereby forcing President
Clinton to drop her from his short list of attorney general
possibilities.
	9 -- President Clinton announces that he is sending troops
"into this blue-colored country next to this pink-colored country
here."
	10 -- In the most important television event in over 500
years, Michael Jackson is interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and reveals
that he has a rare skin disease that requires him to hold slumber
parties.
	12 -- Keeping a campaign promise, President Clinton signs
a Family Leave Bill granting employees who have new babies the
legal right to leave their families and come to work and get some
sleep.
	13 -- Hopes dwindle for democracy in Haiti when ousted
President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, attempting to return to the
troubled island so he can take office and get shot, oversleeps and
misses his flight.
	15 -- After a frantic search, President Clinton picks
Janet Reno to be his attorney general, citing her "tremendous
height." Sen. Bob Packwood is hospitalized after he attempts to
give Reno what his aides claim was "only a congratulatory hug."
	16 -- Revealing his new tax plan, President Clinton states
that, because of this deficit thing, he will have to increase
taxes, but only on the rich, defined as "anybody who owns more
than one shoe."
	17 -- Congress, finally getting serious about the deficit,
votes to close a large naval base in Dayton, Ohio.
	18 -- Military experts point out that there is no large
naval base in Dayton, Ohio. Congress votes to build one.
	23  -- In a bid to stop the fighting in Bosnia, the U.S.
threatens to drop military food on it. All sides immediately agree
to hold peace talks.
	24 -- Fidel Castro hints that he might retire,  fueling
speculation that he is probably not thinking in terms of a condo
in Miami Beach.
	26 -- In a tragedy that shocks the nation, a massive bomb
blast rocks the World Trade Center, just two days after the World
Trade Center bombing episode of "Beavis and Butthead."
	27 -- Following a spate of attacks on tourists, the state
of Florida, after years of delay, finally announces that it will
stop issuing "Y" and "Z" license plates for rental cars.
"From now on," said a spokesperson,  "the tags will just say
'TOURISTS.'"
	28 -- Near Waco, Texas, agents of the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms, suspecting firearms violations in the Branch
Davidian compound, smoothly execute an action plan masterminded by
Wile E. Coyote.

	MARCH
	1 -- General Motors, having run out of its own workers,
lays off 47,000 Chrysler employees. In Florida, an 11-year-old
girl sues for the right to leave her parents and live with her
grandparents.
	3 -- Another snag develops in the effort to restore
democracy to Haiti when ousted President Aristide fails to qualify
for a discount plane ticket because he cannot promise the airline
that he will stay over for at least one Saturday night.
	4 -- In Ohio, a 15-year-old boy sues for the right to
leave his parents and live with Michelle Pfeiffer.
	5 -- President Clinton proposes a public service program
under which young people, in exchange for college tuition, would
spend two years serving as members of his Cabinet.
	8 -- Seeking to reduce violence in the high schools, the
New York City School Board, in a move strongly supported by the
teachers, votes to ban students.
	9 -- A medical researcher at Boston University reports
that, after a four-year study of hyperactive children, he needs a
drink.
	10 -- In Los Angeles, attorneys in the Rodney King assault
trial present expert witnesses who state that the officers were
influenced by the motorist-beating episode of "Beavis and Butt-
head."
	11 -- In Vermont, a 7-year-old cat sues for the right to
claw the furniture.
	13 -- The Storm of the Century blasts the East Coast,
snarling traffic and preventing ousted President Aristide from
returning to Haiti.
	15 -- True Item: Police in Miami, a city plagued by drugs,
violent crime and drivers from outer space, announce that they're
going to crack down on jaywalking.
	16 -- From around the globe, millions of tourists, no
longer fearing the specter of becoming victims of random
jaywalking,  flock to Miami.
	17 -- Helen Hayes takes her final bow.
	18 -- Police in Miami announce that they have halted their
crackdown due to the high percentage of jaywalkers who are armed
and capable of turning into jayshooters.
	20 -- Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, after a 17-
year study, release a report stating that there is "absolutely no
scientific evidence" that people who purchase cigarettes do so
with the intention of smoking them.
	21 -- Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen announces that
taxpayers will need to pony up an additional $908 billion to
finance a project to search for, and bail out, savings-and-loan
institutions on other planets. Abe Hirschfeld purchases The New
York Post.
	22 -- Tension mounts in Moscow as President Boris Yeltsin
and the Russian parliament get into a big fight over who gets to
use the government car. Rupert Murdoch purchases The New York
Post.
	23 -- In a setback for NASA, the launch of the space
shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last second when a computer
indicates that at least four of the astronauts are still asleep
back at the motel. George Steinbrenner purchases The New York
Post.
	25 -- On a positive note, U.S. government economists
report that the job outlook is very strong if you are a U.S.
government economist.
	27 -- Arthur and Louise Krockenblatt, tourists visiting
New York City from St. Louis, attempt to obtain tickets for "Guys
and Dolls" and accidentally wind up purchasing The New York Post.
	29 -- In what is seen as a blow to law-enforcement
authorities, the Supreme Court votes 7-2 to join the Crips.
	30 -- In New York, three muggers knock over the
Krockenblatts and run off with The New York Post.

	APRIL
	1 -- In what mathematicians call a million-to-one
coincidence, Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera and Sally
Jessy Raphael all get through their entire shows WITHOUT ONCE
MENTIONING AMY FISHER. April Fool.
	3 -- General Motors executives announce a project to
develop a time machine so they can lay off employees working in
the past.
	5 -- In another setback for NASA, a planned nighttime
launch of the space shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last
second when the crew remembers that "Seinfeld" is on.
	7 -- Scientists at the Tobacco Institute release a report
stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence"
proving that the Pope is Catholic. Macaulay Culkin purchases The
New York Post.
	8 -- Marian Anderson joins the heavenly choir.
	11 -- In his first major foreign-policy address, President
Clinton announces that he has located Somalia on the map and
decided that our mission will be to feed starving people and
capture the evil fugitive warlord Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid so
that he (President Clinton) can go over there and have a town
meeting and straighten everything out.
	14 -- Mia Farrow, through her lawyer, presents documents
linking Woody Allen to the World Trade Center bombing.
	15 -- U.S. prestige suffers a setback when, because of a
communications foul-up, U.S. forces in Somalia deliver food to
fugitive warlord Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid. In Waco,  federal
officials attempt to drive Branch Davidian cult members from their
compound by using a powerful sound system to play a recording of
Vice President Al Gore explaining ozone depletion. Cult members
attempt to wave the white flag of surrender, but fall asleep
before they can get to the window.
	16 -- In the historic Masters golf tournament, Bruce
Langer hits a 9-iron par 3 bogey eagle blah blah blah.
	17 -- After weeks of deliberation, jurors in the second
Rodney King beating trial decide unanimously to purchase The New
York Post.
	19 -- In Waco, federal authorities, concerned about the
safety of Branch Davidian children under the control of
apocalyptic suicidal paranoid loons, develop a seemingly flawless
plan: ATTACK THE COMPOUND WITH ARMORED VEHICLES. Everybody is
shocked when the violent paranoid loons do not respond well to
this.
	20 -- In another setback for NASA, a planned launch of the
space shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last second when a
problem develops with the Last-Second Launch Aborter (LSLA).
	23 -- Investigators probing the Tailhook convention sex
scandal release a 450-page report containing more than 60
photographs -- some of them extremely graphic -- of Sen. Bob
Packwood.
	25 -- In a tough national-security move, Congress votes to
spend $20 million to build new strategic radar facilities in
Baghdad so we can bomb them.
	28 -- True Item: Officials in Tacoma, Wash., discover that
18-year-old Frank Daltron, scheduled for induction into the Tacoma
Youth Hall of Fame, is awaiting retrial on charges of first-degree
murder after having admitted that he killed his mother with an ax.
The Youth Hall of Fame motto is "Ordinary Youth Doing
Extraordinary Things."
	30 -- Another True Item: In an effort to raise money to
restore fire-damaged Windsor Palace, Queen Elizabeth II decides to
allow the public to tour Buckingham Palace for an admission
charge.

	MAY
	1 -- True Item: The space shuttle Columbia manages to get
aloft, carrying with it a batch of brewing beer as part of a
University of Munich experiment to determine, according to an
Associated Press story,  "whether the weightlessness and intense
cosmic rays of space can genetically alter yeast to produce
tastier beer."
	2 -- Investigators for the Federal Aviation Administration
report that in early April there were two consecutive days during
which the major U.S. airlines failed to totally revise their fare
structures. An alarmed Congress vows to investigate.
	3 -- Queen Elizabeth II, pleased with the success of the
Buckingham Palace tours, decides to rent Prince Charles out for
weddings and bar mitzvahs.
	5 -- NASA officials begin to suspect that the crew of the
space shuttle Columbia has been messing around with the cosmic
beer experiment when a crew member attempts the first nude
spacewalk.
	6 -- True Item: Just-released government documents reveal
that Walt Disney was an informant for the FBI.
	7 -- The crew of the space shuttle Columbia refuses to
return to Earth for the scheduled landing, instead broadcasting a
demand that NASA send up a supply rocket with "some more beer
experiments and a couple of pepperoni pizza experiments." Just-
released government documents reveal that from 1948 through 1951
Donald Duck was a member of the Communist Party. Also,  "Mickey"
Mouse is a woman.
	8 -- Scientists report that they have isolated the gene
that causes people to insist on showing you wallet photographs of
their children, but the cure is still years away.
	9 -- Buckingham Palace reports "very strong" sales of
the three-volume Prince Charles Cellular Phone Tapes.
	13 -- In Somalia, U.S. troops are thwarted in their effort
to capture warlord Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid because Aidid has
shrewdly registered under a false name -- "Fugitive Gen. John
Smith" -- at the Mogadishu Hilton, where he is staying in the
Warlord Suite.
	15 -- A record total of 2,537 bargain-hunters call the
Home Shopping Network and purchase The New York Post.
	17 -- Testing a concept that will soon be available to
consumers nationwide, telephone company engineers wire a Chicago
neighborhood with a special fiber-optic cable that enables
consumers to receive Chinese food over the phone.
	22 -- In Los Angeles, President Clinton, acting on the
advice of new public-image adviser Ed Rollins, gets a haircut. The
Chicago fiber-optic experiment goes awry when a teen-age girl
leaves her phone off the hook and a four-bedroom home is
completely flooded with wonton soup.
	25 -- A New York judge, after hearing extensive arguments
from lawyers for Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, awards custody of the
children to Marge and Homer Simpson.
	27 -- The Clinton administration fires the White House
travel staff and, after conducting what a spokesperson describes
as "a totally objective nationwide search" to find a
replacement, selects, as the new travel director, Roger Clinton.
Asked by the press about his qualifications, the President's half-
brother states that he has "taken several, whaddyacallem,
planes."
	30 -- Rodney King wins the Indianapolis 500.

	JUNE
	1 -- In a hopeful sign for democracy in the troubled
island nation, Haitian army chiefs purchase The New York Post.
	3 -- True Item: A rookie Greyhound bus driver, driving the
red-eye from Atlanta to Tallahassee on his first solo trip, gets
sleepy and has a passenger take over the wheel for the rest of the
trip. The driver is fired when the bus reaches Tallahassee.
	4 -- The fired Greyhound driver is immediately hired by
Exxon to pilot oil tankers.
	8 -- Fighting in Bosnia halts as soldiers for both sides
line up to see "Jurassic Park."
	14 -- President Clinton, leaving himself open to charges
that his administration has "gone Hollywood," nominates Barbra
Streisand to the Supreme Court.
	15 -- Canada elects a new prime minister,  fueling
speculation that people live up there.
	16 -- In a major boxing upset, heavyweight champion
Evander Holyfield is knocked out in the second round of a title
fight by Shannen Doherty and six bodyguards.
	17 -- True Item: A consumer in Seattle reports finding a
hypodermic syringe in a can of Diet Pepsi.
	18 -- The U.S. Department of Human Persons releases the
results of a $3.6 million study showing that women are six times
as likely as men to be named "Midge." Congress vows action.
	19 -- True Item: The Washington Post reports that
President Clinton has a previously unknown half-brother living in
California.
	21 -- The Bulls win the NBA championship and Chicago
celebrates in what has become the traditional American fashion for
this type of joyful occasion. Two are killed.
	23 -- A very bad thing happens to John Wayne Bobbitt only
hours after the broadcast of the penis-severing episode of
"Beavis and Butthead."
	25 -- In an alarming trend, police on routine patrols in
various locations around the nation find a total of 17
unidentified severed penises. Sales of steel jockstraps soar. Bob
Packwood hires armed bodyguards.
	28 -- In another deficit-reduction move, Congress votes to
go ahead and build a space station, but make it only eight inches
in diameter. Philip Morris introduces a low-fat cigarette. Bored
U.S. warplane pilots drop water balloons on Baghdad.
	29 -- NBC, after a lengthy search for a wacky and zany
replacement for David Letterman, announces that it has settled on
Ross Perot.
	30 -- True Item: To compensate for minor irregularities in
the Earth's rotation, official international timekeepers add one
second to this day. U.S. law firms adjust their bills.

	JULY
	1 -- A consumer in Detroit reports finding a switchblade
knife in a can of Diet Pepsi.
	3 -- True Item: In the wake of a massacre at a San
Francisco law firm, the head of the California Bar Association
says that lawyer jokes are partly responsible.
	5 -- In a Long Island courtroom, a stern-faced judge
orders Joey Buttafuoco to purchase The New York Post.
	6 -- In California, police arrest 23 million people for
violating the state's new anti-lawyer-joke law.
	8 -- In a major breakthrough, Japanese trade negotiators,
after two years of stiff resistance, agree to order an American
pizza.
	9 -- In a medical breakthrough, surgeons in Houston are
able to remove a man's head, take it to a baseball game, then take
it back to the hospital and successfully reattach it. A hospital
spokesperson states:  "We are not sure of the purpose of this
procedure, but it is definitely covered by insurance."
	10 -- U.S.-Japanese relations suffer a major setback when
President Clinton, in Tokyo to finalize the trade talks, eats the
entire pizza.
	13 -- Massive flooding strikes the Midwest, only days
after the massive-flooding episode on "Beavis and Butthead."
	15 -- In the flood-ravaged Midwest, the toll of human
misery worsens as thousands of houses are blown down by wind from
helicopters carrying news crews and political leaders frowning
down with concern.
	18 -- FBI Chief William Sessions begins to sense that the
Clinton administration wants him to resign when his office is
surrounded by agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms.
	22 -- In an extremely controversial decision, President
Clinton announces that his nominee for surgeon general is Lorena
Bobbitt.
	25 -- The Food and Drug Administration announces a ban on
products that contain ingredients.
	29 -- Bell Laboratories announces that it has developed a
telephone device that automatically identifies telephone
solicitors, then hunts them down and beats them with sticks.

	AUGUST
	3 -- A consumer in Baton Rouge reports finding a machete
in a can of Diet Pepsi.
	5 -- Despite allegations that he has used his government
access for personal gain, U.S. Commerce Secretary Ron Brown
insists that there was "nothing improper" about a transaction in
which he received $75,000 from Vietnamese investors in exchange
for the Department of Agriculture.
	9 -- True Item: The Associated Press reports that a Tucson
woman could be President Clinton's previously unknown half-sister.
	11 -- In a 7-2 vote divided strictly along gender lines,
the Supreme Court rules that it does not want to hear ANYTHING
about the John Wayne Bobbitt case.
	14 -- After weeks of intense debate, Congress passes, and
President Clinton signs, a historic budget agreement under which
everybody's taxes will be jacked up retroactive to Jan. 1, 1973,
and the federal deficit will absolutely, positively, with no
loopholes, be reduced as soon as the polar ice cap reaches
Ecuador. Meanwhile, in a totally unexpected development, Burt
Reynolds reveals that he is dating Woody Allen.
	21 -- In Somalia, U.S. forces are again foiled in their
efforts to capture the wily Gen. Aidid when, after appearing on
his regular weekly TV show,  "The Warlord Hour," he is able to
escape from the studio by cleverly disguising himself with a pair
of Ray-Bans.
	24 -- The Clintons, vacationing in Martha's Vineyard, go
sailing with Ted Kennedy and an estimated 4,500 life preservers.
	27 -- In another setback for the space program, scientists
at the National Aeronautics and Setbacks Administration are unable
to contact the Mars Observer space probe.
	28 -- Speaking of space probes: Michael Jackson cancels a
concert in Tokyo because of what a spokesperson describes as "a
headache." The Weekly World News reports that a woman in Omaha is
President Clinton's half-mother.
	30 -- NASA scientists finally contact the Mars Observer
space probe, only to be greeted by an answering machine that does
nothing except repeat, over and over, in a very pleasant voice:
"Your call is important to us."
	31 -- An alarming new study shows that U.S. students are
doing worse than ever on standardized math tests because many of
them can no longer figure out how to turn on their calculators.

	SEPTEMBER
	1 -- A consumer in Boston reports finding an AK-47 assault
rifle in a can of Diet Pepsi.
	4 -- In another setback for the space program, NASA
discovers that the service warranty has expired on the Mars
Observer.
	5 -- In a move strongly opposed by the National Rifle
Association, the California State Legislature passes a law
requiring a five-day "cooling-off" period on purchases of Diet
Pepsi.
	8 -- President Clinton and Vice President Gore, standing
in front of two forklifts laden with enormous piles of government
regulations, announce that they are going to reinvent the federal
government. Everybody has a good laugh, especially the 23,475
employees of the U.S. Department of Forklift Affairs.
	10 -- Congress, acting with unusual speed and urgency,
forms 11 new subcommittees that will hold hearings on
"reinventing" government just as soon as they hire staffs and
complete fact-finding trips to see if, for example, Monte Carlo
also has a government.
	13 -- In a White House treaty-signing ceremony watched
around the world, the Mideast conflict finally comes to an end as
Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser
Arafat, encouraged by President Clinton, engage in a historic
handshake. Conflict resumes immediately when Rabin discovers that
Arafat is wearing a "joy buzzer."
	14 -- Raymond Burr rests for the defense.
	16 -- The reinvention of the federal government continues
apace as President Clinton signs an order that would eliminate the
250,000 jobs currently held by federal employees who are legally
dead.
	17 -- David Letterman begins his new show on CBS with a
special surprise performance by Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid and the
Warlords.
	18 -- President Clinton rescinds his order under pressure
from the powerful Deceased Federal Employees Union. Michael
Jackson cancels a concert in Zurich because of what a spokesperson
describes as "the hives."
	20 -- The airline industry announces that it is tired of
slashing fares and from now on is just going to periodically set
fire to piles of money.
	22 -- Loni Anderson reveals that she is dating Joey
Buttafuoco.
	23 -- In a major address, President Clinton announces that
the nation's current health-care system is bloated, inefficient,
unresponsive, overpriced, wasteful and stupid, and that therefore
he wants to turn control of it over to the federal government.
Extra forklifts are brought to the White House to display the plan
for the new, streamlined health-care system.
	25 -- Testifying on her health-care reform plan, Hillary
Rodham Clinton is a huge hit on Capitol Hill as she is able, under
close questioning, to correctly identify all the parts of the
lymphatic system.
	26 -- The nation is swept by a rumor about a gang
initiation ritual in which motorists who blink their headlights at
a prospective gang member are allegedly followed home and killed
if they oppose NAFTA. Ross Perot has documents proving this, but
he left them in his limo. On Capitol Hill, Hillary Rodham Clinton
continues to impress congressional committees by dissecting a
cadaver.
	27 -- In Arizona, the eight crew members of Biosphere 2
emerge from the totally sealed-off environment where they have
lived for two years without any direct contact with the outside
world. Clearly visible behind them as they walk out is a mound
consisting of an estimated 5,000 Domino's pizza boxes.
	28 -- The federal government announces that it will
participate in a joint effort with the Big Three U.S. automakers
to develop a forklift capable of lifting even larger federal
plans.
	30 -- On Capitol Hill, Hillary Rodham Clinton, continuing
to impress members of Congress with her medical knowledge,
performs emergency prostate surgery on Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-
Deceased).

	OCTOBER
	1 -- A consumer in Phoenix reports finding a nuclear
submarine in a can of Diet Pepsi.
	2 -- At the government's urging, millions of Americans
receive flu shots, administered by Hillary Rodham Clinton. Michael
Jackson cancels a concert in London because of what a spokesperson
describes as "postnasal drip."
	3 -- As tension mounts between the Russian Parliament and
President Boris Yeltsin, President Clinton, in what will later be
viewed as a strategic error, sends officials of the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms over to help out.
	4 -- After a tense standoff, the Russian parliament
surrenders when agents of the. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Tense
Standoffs blasts the parliament building with a recording of
Roseanne Barr reading "The Bridges of Madison County."
	6 -- True Item: President Clinton announces that he wants
to get the U.S. out of Somalia and is therefore sending 2,000 more
troops over there.
	8 -- In a development that receives more coverage than
anything that happened all year in Bosnia, Michael Jordan
announces that he will not be playing basketball this year.
President Clinton vows to hold several town meetings.
	10 -- Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Barcelona
because of what a spokesperson describes as a "14-foot
tapeworm."
	11 -- President Clinton, in a troop-sending mood, sends
U.S. troops to Haiti to restore democracy.
	12 -- Arriving in Haiti, U.S. troops are met at the docks
by several dozen shouting men and what a White House spokesperson
describes as "a very large dog." President Clinton orders them
to return to the United States and try to restore democracy in
Miami.
	15 -- True Item: Researchers report that people who are
listening to Mozart score higher on tests.
	18 -- Researchers report that test-takers who are
listening to "New Age" music often cannot figure out how to work
the pencil.
	19 -- In Somalia, the wily Gen. Aidid again eludes U.S.
forces by swapping name tags with another warlord at the Warlords
Ball.
	21 -- In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny
beating trial, after much thinking, concludes that Person A is not
necessarily trying to kill Person B just because Person A happens
to very deliberately bash Person B's skull in with a brick. The
verdict is applauded by scientists at the Tobacco Institute.
	22 -- Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Rio de Janeiro
because of what a spokesperson describes as "problems with his
artificial leg."
	23 -- An indignant Attorney General Janet Reno warns the
TV industry that it had better stop broadcasting displays of
gratuitous violence such as the FBI raid on the Branch Davidian
compound.
	25 -- True Item: Researchers announce that they have
developed a cream, derived from an asthma remedy, that will remove
fat from thighs.
	26 -- Millions of Americans suddenly develop asthma
symptoms.
	27 -- Wildfires rage through the hills and canyons of
Southern California only hours after the broadcast of the wildfire
episode of "Beavis and Butthead."
	30 -- Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Norway because
of what a spokesperson describes as "a problem involving his
Siamese twin." Ross Perot claims NAFTA will cause cancer.
	31 -- The New York Times reports that, for the first time
ever, scientists have divided a human embryo into two, producing
two identical clones, thereby raising the tricky ethical question
of whether the embryos' made-for-TV-movie rights must be
negotiated separately.

	NOVEMBER
	1 -- A consumer in Detroit reports finding a full combat
division of the Iraqi army in a can of Diet Pepsi. Ross Perot
claims NAFTA will permit "giant Mexican squirrels" to cross the
border and bite people.
	3 -- The Los Angeles coroner's office reports that an
autopsy of actor River Phoenix showed his blood contained traces
of cocaine, heroin, alcohol, Valium, marijuana, opium, nicotine,
caffeine, NutraSweet, Lavoris, NyQuil, Nestlers Quik, Ortho Weed-
B-Gone and Certs. A Los Angeles jury concludes that the cause of
death was "acne."
	6 -- The Food and Drug Administration bans Certs.
	9 -- In a live televised debate over NAFTA, Ross Perot, in
what is widely viewed as a tactical error, bites Al Gore on the
ankle; the feisty billionaire cannot be pried loose until the Vice
President beats him unconscious with a hard-cover copy of "Earth
in the Balance."
	10 -- True Item: In Irvine, Calif., a cow wanders onto the
San Diego Freeway. To subdue the cow, police pump 43 bullets into
it.
	11 -- A Los Angeles jury indicts the freeway cow for
resisting arrest.
	13 -- John Wayne Bobbitt goes on trial, and millions of
men are forced to go around with wads of cottons stuffed in their
ears to avoid hearing the phrase "cut off his penis," which is
being broadcast relentlessly, by perky, cheerful female
newscasters sounding even more cheerful than usual.
	15 -- The Food and Drug Administration bans penises.
	18 -- In what many observers see as a veiled threat, Sen.
Bob Packwood says that his diary contains entries suggesting that
"at least six members now serving in the Senate" are half-
brothers of President Clinton.
	20 -- Michael Jackson announces that he has become
addicted to talking in a squeaky voice and will return to his home
planet for treatment.
	22 -- On the 30th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's death,
a Los Angeles jury views the Zapruder film and concludes that the
shooting was a suicide.
	28 -- Fox TV purchases the rights to the Bob Packwood
Diaries.
	30 -- The "Geraldo" show scores the highest ratings in
the history of live daytime TV when the plucky and courageous
journalist has his penis severed and reattached. He vehemently
denies rumors that he used a magnifying lens.

	DECEMBER
	1 -- A consumer in Orlando reports finding the Ark of the
Covenant in a can of Diet Pepsi. The National Football League,
having somehow got its computer system mixed up with that of the
Publishers Clearing House, awards a franchise to Mrs. Noreen P.
Glonder of Tepid Springs, S.C.
	2 -- The space shuttle Endeavour blasts off on a historic
mission to repair the crippled Hubble Orbiting Space Punch Line.
	3 -- After months of legal wrangling, the Senate Ethics
Committee finally obtains the Bob Packwood diary, but is unable to
read it because the pages are stuck together.
	4 -- Preparing for its historic repair effort, the space
shuttle Endeavour docks at the Orbiting Space Hardware Store to
pick up some duct tape. The Food and Drug Administration bans
food.
	6 -- An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of
Americans do not speak English, and the vast majority of them
write computer manuals. Prankish U.S. warplane pilots drop a
Shetland pony on Baghdad.
	7 -- Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Endeavour arrive
at the Hubble telescope and discover that it has been smashed
beyond recognition in a high-speed collision with the Mars
Observer. The astronauts elect to go to the Orbiting Space
Convenience Store for coffee.
	9 -- The public becomes further outraged about the
influence of television on young people following an incident
wherein a 4-year-old Cincinnati girl, after watching the House of
Representatives on C-Span, accepts large contributions from
special interest groups in exchange for introducing favorable
legislation.
	10 -- In another indicator of the tough anti-crime move
sweeping the nation, New Jersey approves the death penalty for
talking during movies.
	13 -- Archaeologists digging on the site of a 14,000-year-
old Native American village in Montana unearth what is believed to
be the world's oldest known bingo hall.
	15 -- A school board in Georgia votes to ban the alphabet
after concerned parents point out that it can be used to spell
"Satan"  as well  as  "penis."
	18 -- A sheepish President Clinton announces that he
finally got around to actually READING the NAFTA agreement, and it
turns out that Mexico now has 124 seats in the U.S. Senate.
	20 -- Researchers at the University of Minnesota Medical
School report that if you feed rats three ounces of beer, six
times a day, they (the rats)  (also the researchers) have to go to
the bathroom.
	24 -- The American Medical Association expresses "grave
concern" about the new Lorena Bobbitt Extremely Quick Weight-Loss
Diet.
	27 -- The Senate votes to give Texas back to Mexico. There
is surprisingly little public opposition to this.
	31 -- In a development that deeply disturbs the
international community, the Chicago Tribune reports that the
Chinese have agreed to sell nuclear weapons to the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. We do not wish to create panic, but
this news comes only hours before the scheduled broadcast of the
end-of-the-world episode of "Beavis and Butthead." It's best
not to think about it.

	Happy New Year.

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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------