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Yucks Digest V3 #35 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 18 Nov 93 Volume 3 : Issue 35
Today's Topics:
"a great place to take a leak"
ancient chinese saying
are negative results important? how to prove?
Athena Design Announces Psychic Tech Support Hotline
CheckItOut
does the kill file have buddha-nature?
Do You Monitor Cellular Channels?
GI insult
Haha
Hoaxes
I've been travelling too long...
Ig Nobel Prizes
Japanese Aeronautical Software Development
June 31st...
newton's disorder
Passion, Anger, Joy, Grief, Longing and Sorrow
peas on earth
QOTD
Quote of the day (4 msgs)
Quote of the year
Rate your skills!
Signature quote of the day
Subotica
Tablespoons, or, handwriting recognition may be hazardous to your poem
talking of AT&T email and favorite bounces [for Yucks?]
Texas
The Internet at house level
There is no United State embassy in Washington DC
The young and the clueless: Cafe Pacific??
Time & Nudity
Unix-to-Unix beer protocol
Weird Al -- Jurassic Park
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 93 19:23:09 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: "a great place to take a leak"
To: spaf
lifted without permission from Page 794 of the Colorado Springs
telephone directory where the phrase appears as part of the ad for
Joe's radiator Service.
apparently also on a HUGE sign in front of Joe's radiator service at
1818 E. Willamette ave by the US Olympic Training center
[An old one, but it's nice to see it still alive and well --spaf]
[I meant the phrase, not Charlie! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 93 15:23:02 -0500
From: Fred Douglis <douglis@MITL.Research.Panasonic.COM>
Subject: ancient chinese saying
To: spaf
Two fortunes recently found in one fortune cookie:
1) Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned.
2) There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.
Think they're trying to tell me something? (Not!)
------------------------------
Date: 11 Nov 1993 16:56:55 -0800 (PST)
From: tackett@ipld01.hac.com (Walter Alden Tackett)
Subject: are negative results important? how to prove?
[are negative results important?]
Yes. They are important. I really honestly think there should be a
Journal of Failure, perhaps split into sub-journals amongst the
different disciplines such as computers, engineering, life
sciences/medicine, physics, mathematics, and the social sciences. They
would be overseen and governed by "The Society of Failure and
Misapplicatiion." Now, who wants to be the Chair? Perhaps former
heads of IBM, GM, or the United States would be well versed in this
interdisciplinary topic.....
-Walter Alden Tackett
[There used to be such a journal. It went out of business. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1993 11:12:46 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Athena Design Announces Psychic Tech Support Hotline
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Jittlov <jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu>
Bunch of loonies, if you ask me.
I've telepathed my phone number at them NINE TIMES,
and they still haven't called. Might as well be attorneys.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1993 19:25:56 -0500
From: bdb@GTS.ORG (Bruce Becker)
Subject: CheckItOut
To: eniac
Date: 11/12/93 12:04 PM
From: Michael Milligan
The following code will compile. Don't forget to add these #defines in yer rad
code. :-)
==============
Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest and
greatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for the dudes
who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable C code involves the use
of a few simple defines.
#define like {
#define man ;}
#define an ;
#define SayBro /*
#define CheckItOut */
SayBro like, this is some rad shit, so CheckItOut
like
a = b
an
c = d
man
SayBro, like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?
THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOut
like SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but in
a readable form.
CheckItOut man
#define YoDude for(
#define OK )
#define is =
#define AND &&
#define as
#define Do
#define long
#define some
#define make
#define shit
#define FAROUT
shell( v, n ) SayBro sort v[ 0 ]...v[ n - 1 ] into increasing order CheckItOut
int v[], n;
like int gap, i, j, temp;
YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some shit an make gap /=2 OK
YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some shit an make i++ OK
YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[ j ] > v[ j + gap ] Do
some shit an make j -= gap OK
like
temp is v[ j ] an
v[ j ] is v[ j + gap ] an
v[ j + gap ] is temp
man
FAROUT man
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 93 12:29:21 CST
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: does the kill file have buddha-nature?
To: jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ron@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf
I especially like the .sig at the end, but the newsreader line begs the
question: What is the sound of Bill Gates clapping?
> From: snewton@oac.hsc.uth.tmc.edu (Steven E. Newton)
> Newsgroups: tx.general
> Subject: Zen Open House, Houston
> Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1993 18:40:07 GMT
> Organization: Academic Computing
> X-Newsreader: Trumpet for Windows [Version 1.0 Rev A]
>
> Please email to me if you have questions. Circulate widely and freely.
> Apologies for any inapproprate distribution through leakage.
>
> Open House at The Southwest Zen Academy
>
> * Our program will be a one hour presentation and discussion, the
> subject will be:
>
> Expect nothing, desire nothing. Just live.
>
[ . . . ]
>
> You are also welcome to join us for our regular sitting
> Mondays and Wednesdays 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
>
>
> + + + + + + + |snewton@oac.hsc.uth.tmc.edu
> If you meet the Buddha on the net, |Nobody else speaks for me,
> put him in your Kill file. |and I speak for no one else.
[A truly wonderful signature. -spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 15 Nov 1993 04:07:13 -0500
From: mds@access.digex.net (Michael D. Sullivan)
Subject: Do You Monitor Cellular Channels?
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
lps@rahul.net (Kevin Martinez) writes:
> In regard to the above, I live right under a cell site antenna tower
> and *every* radio and TV I own picks up these annoying conversations
> on occasion. Even my telephone (noncordless) picks them up sometimes.
> I keep thinking of the Gilligan's Island episode where his filling
> becomes a rectifier and detects broadcast band radio.
> Does the ECPA make it illegal to live in my neighborhood or only to
> possess a receiving device (or a filling)? Would these cold evenings
> be even colder without the comforting rays of this antenna? Perhaps
> this is the cause for retries on zmodem transfers ....
Of course it's illegal for you to live there, or to have fillings, you
wiretapper, you! (Dano, book him for criminal possession of a filling
with intent to eavesdrop!)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1993 12:03:50 -0600 (CST)
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: GI insult
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
A while back, Tom Van Vlec said...
Multics - Iliad
UNIX - Aeneid
OS/360 - Internal revenue code
MSDOS - Gilligan's Island
Mac OS - Cheers
Windows - Married With Children
Not only is this so derogatory to Gilligan's Island
that the verdict in the resultant slander case will
probably be carried out by a Scott Dorsey surplus
Chinese sniper rifle, it's just plain wrong.
MSDOS is clearly more like Days of Our Lives, or any
of the other mindless, pointless, dreary soap operas
which seem to go on eternally, their very existence
a sad commentary on the miserable state of millions
of human beings. Their continuance is predicated on
ignorance and antisocial behavior among voluntarily
braindead morons with the conscience and mental
capacity (nevermind the effect of) the brown recluse
spider. Nevertheless, those millions of miserable
wretches, whose lives are so consumed by this vile
cancer, refuse to give it up.
[I wonder what Miles would have written if he didn't
like MS-DOS? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 93 17:27:28 CST
From: "Sendhil Revuluri" <revu@midway.uchicago.edu>
Subject: Haha
To: spaf
Seen in the program notes at one of Ross Perot's 'town meetings:'
Ross Perot's book, Not For Sale At Any Price, is available in the
lobby for $5.95.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 22:04:04 -500 (EST)
From: Linda Birmingham <lbirming@acs.ryerson.ca>
Subject: Hoaxes
To: Eniac <eniac
I came across the following in November's issue of
SATURDAYnight "Canada's Magazine" so they say.
Writing a follow-up to his June 1992 article on media
prankster Joseph Skaggs, Robert Hough told about the
following incident that perhaps some of you may remember
happening sometime in the fall of 92.
"Posing this time as the president of a company called
Sexonix, Skaggs sent press releases to various Canadian
media touting his company's product: a new headset
apparatus that permitted "the world's first interactive,
computerized, fantasy sexual experience". He then rented
a booth at the Metro Toronto Christmas Gift Show and Sale
at SkyDome; when his stall remained empty throughout the
exhibit, it was announced that $300,000 worth of Sexonix
equipment had been seized at the border by morally
chargrined customs officials....
South of the border, the prank breathed life into numerous
computer bulletin-board systems, making it the first Skaggs
prank to utilize E-mail as a method of dissemination. In
a note posted on the San Francisco-based BBS known as the
WELL, Dr. Skaggs lamented that "the narrow-minded Canadian
government trudging along under the weight of Victorian so-
called morality, has taken upon itself to deny a nation the
pleasures of the future". This sparked a rabid bout of
cyberspatial Canada-bashing...
As with all of Skagg's pranks, a non-reality was accepted as
reality because it jibed with the public's preconceived
notions..."
When asked why he chose Canada for his latest prank,
he wrote "It's all about baseball" apparently expressing
an American's displeasure at the Jays 1992 World Series win.
I wonder what he'll do this year.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1993 09:30:16 CST
From: "Michael Cook, 124-211, x2792" <mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com>
Subject: I've been travelling too long...
To: SPAF
True personal story:
A few days ago, I was driving South through Kansas on Interstate 35,
one of the great "information highways" of the midwest. After some
hours of morning driving, I was becoming glassy-eyed and more-or-less
mentally numb from the relatively unchanging scenery (even Nebraska is
better, IMHO).
Off to the side of the road, I spotted a billboard advertisement for
the "Usenet Inn"!! For a moment, I thought this was a great niche
market for Cyberspace folks traveling in "physical mode". Some
gathering of entities this would be!
As I got closer to the billboard, I saw that it was really for the
"Sunset Inn" and that the initial "S" was somewhat camouflaged by a
stylized sunflower, the Kansas state roadsign flower. My mind had
missed the leading "S", rearranged and added to the remaining letters,
and formed the name of a non-existent (as yet) motel.
Oh well, my car trip is over, but my electronic trips continue.
See you fellow travelers at the next "Usenet Inn".
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 93 18:16:56 EST
From: weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu (Matthew P Wiener)
Subject: Ig Nobel Prizes
To: eniac
>LITERATURE
>Awarded jointly to E. Topol, R. Califf, F. Van de Werf, P.
>W. Armstrong, and their 972 co-authors, for publishing a
>medical research paper which has ten times as many authors
>as pages.
A hundred twenty times as many authors! I don't count the listing
of the co-authors in the appendix (for which the NEJM deserves a
round of booing) as part of the ratio proper. As was mentioned
in the SCIENCE article on the awards, the writing the paper was
very easy: each co-author contributed two words apiece.
>[Source "An International Ramdomized Trial Comparing Four
>Thrombolytic Strategies for Acute Myocardial Infarction,"
>The New England Journal of Medicine, volume 329, number 10,
>September 2, 1993, pages 673-682. ...]
For future Ig Nobel Biology consideration, I'll mention that a
recent issue of SCIENCE (29 Oct 93?) announced the following
important gardening breakthrough. It seems that cocaine, spread
on your plants, repels insects. It works by blocking the re-uptake
of the insect version of adrenaline, getting them overstimulated in
all the wrong ways.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1993 02:39:20 -0500
From: Carl W Hoffman <cwh@world.std.com>
Subject: Japanese Aeronautical Software Development
To: Info-Explorer@ai.mit.edu
This is not a joke.
=========
Tokyo, November 8th (Kyodo) -- A consortium of major Japanese aircraft parts
manufacturers and software companies announced they had won the contract for
developing the "fly-by-wire" control software for the new generation of
passenger planes to be developed in concert with Boeing.
Mr. Jiro Bagubayashi, Section Manager of the Fatal Software Defects Analysis
Section of Mitsubishi Heavy Industries stated: "Winning this work proves the
maturity of the Japanese software industry. We plan to leverage the expertise
we gained in developing the control software for the unmanned Osaka tram
system." When questioned about the recent accident where the tram crashed
through its stopping point and nearly plummeted ten meters onto a road packed
with rush hour traffic below, Mr. Bagubayashi replied, "Actually that bug was
due to our being forced to use unnatural software constructs like the Western
notions of TRUE and FALSE. We are now developing a new logic more suited to
Japanese culture, where NOT FALSE is still FALSE. Anyway, that bug only
showed up when another bug that had been cancelling out its effect was fixed.
These things happen."
Queried as to why the cutover from the calendar system used during the reign
of the late Emperor Showa to that of the new Emperor Akihito took up to three
months at some Japanese companies, Mr. Bagubayashi continued, "Don't
underestimate the complexity of that problem. You have to subtract 25 from
the old year and add 88 or something like that, I forget, but our system
analysts were able to spec it out."
Mr. Taro Kokedarake, Department Manager of the Fuzzy Software Development
Department at Japan Aeronautics Software, explained some of the new technology
to be used. "Japan is a leader in applications of fuzzy technology. We have
already proven its value in our vacuum cleaners and washing machines. We plan
to be the first to apply the technology to aeronautics, where it is perfect
for situations such as determining about where the flaps are positioned,
whether or not the plane is more or less pointing at the runway during
landing, and whether or not the plane is sort of going in the right
direction."
According to Japanese sources, the new software development plan will also
dramatically reduce the cost of new aircraft by making it possible to
eliminate the cumbersome backup and redundancy systems required by the poor
quality of Western software.
[First I have to avoid Airbus, now Boeing. Sigh. I can't wait to read
about the "operational" system in Risks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1993 09:55:54 -0500
From: Jeff Schwab <jrs@staff.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: June 31st...
To: bob
Well, it looks like the Purdue Alumni Association strikes again...
They annually mail a free pocket calendar to Purdue Faculty/Staff
as well as Alumni association members. The new 1994 calendar is
nice, but has given us a free extra day in June...
Probably so the state legislature has a better chance of
passing a budget on time...
[Further examination revealed that the calendar has only 29 days in
November to match up with June 31, and the week of August 21 is not
numbered. Why would the Purdue alumni association contract out to an
IU grad? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 93 11:16:43 -0500
From: Fred Douglis <douglis@MITL.Research.Panasonic.COM>
Subject: newton's disorder
To: spaf
Seen on the newton-l mailing list. I haven't noticed this in Yucks...
yet...
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1993 09:05:44 -0500
From: Mike Basham <bash@HELIX.NIH.GOV>
Subject: "Newton's Disorder"
DATELINE: NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, BETHESDA, MD 10-26-93
Researchers at the National Institutes of Health have discovered a new
disease associated with use of Apple's new Personal Digital Assistant (PDA)
called the "Newton."
This new affliction, called "Newton's Disorder," or "ND," affects those
people who have used the Newton at least two weeks. It is a neurological
disorder that manifests itself in strange and bizarre ways.
NIH researcher S.R. Issac described it this way:
"Long time Newton users sometimes think of one word, but say another. For
example, he or she may think of the word 'Hello,' but say the word 'Help.'
In especially severe cases, people may think of a word like 'Today,' and
say something like '1-00104.'"
Reports indicate that at least one NIH scientist, identified as Dr. Dale
Graham, has already contracted ND. Attempting to say the word "Font" Dr.
Graham said instead "Fart." So far, Dr. Graham has been unavailable for
comment.
Questions or comments concerning Newton's Disorder should be sent to the
NIH staffer in charge of ND research, Mike Basham. His email address is:
bash@helix.nih.gov.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1993 16:17:17 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Passion, Anger, Joy, Grief, Longing and Sorrow
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Next year the Calgary Philharmonic offers "Passion, Anger, Joy, Grief,
Longing and Sorrow." So do my next-door neighbours, and free.
- music critic Bernard Holland makes fun of orchestra brochures in the
New York Times
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 18:19:30 GMT
From: 1910694PS485@sscl.uwo.ca
Subject: peas on earth
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In the beginning, there was Mendel, thinking his lonely thoughts
alone. And he said: "Let there be peas," and there were peas and it was
good. And he put the peas in the garden saying unto them "Increase and
multiply, segregate and assort yourselves independently," and they did and
it was good. And now it came to pass that when Mendel gathered up his peas,
he divided them into round and wrinkled, and called the round dominant and
the wrinkled recessive, and it was good. But now Mendel saw that there were
450 round peas and 102 wrinkled ones; this was not good. For the law stateth
that there should be only 3 round peas for every wrinkled. And Mendel saw
that unto himself "Gott in Himmel, an enemy has done this, he has sown bad
peas in my garden under the cover of night." And Mendel smote the table in
righteous wrath, saying "Depart from me, you cursed and evil peas, into the
outer darkness where thou shalt be devoured by the rats and mice," and lo it
was done and there remained 300 round peas and 100 wrinkled peas, and it was
good. It was very, very good. And Mendel published.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1993 17:25:13 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Come, let us peel back the foreskin of misconception and
apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
-- Geoff Miller
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"TM Poster boy and Natural Law Party of Canada Vice President Doug
Henning embraces TM beliefs that include lifelong celibacy and the
stricture that anyone who ejaculates will never encounter the divine.
Henning's former wife, Barbara De Angeleis, left the magician (tired of
being sawed in half, shurely!? -ed.) for a gig in Los Angeles as a
radio and TV sex therapist."
One of FRANK magazines 10 Natural Law Party Factoids........ Oct. 28,
1993, Issue 153 FRANK BY NAME, FRANK BY NATURE!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 93 05:50:01 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"As far as guns and bombs are concerned, I think women should just stay
out of the way and let the men do that sort of thing."
- Rachelle Shannon, anti-choice advocate, argues for traditional family
roles. Ms. Shannon has admitted to shooting Dr. George Tiller, who
performed abortions, last Aug. 19. Dr. Tiller survived the murder
attempt.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 93 05:50:01 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the
cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat
could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
-- Schrodinger's Moggy explained
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 93 05:50:03 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"According to one recent study, single women who have affairs with
married men are generally untroubled by feelings of guilt; by contrast,
many dieters feel powerful guilt and self-loathing after succumbing to
a pint of Haagen-Dazs."
- from a recent Utne Reader
[So, guys, just be sure not to coat yourself with ice cream or
chocolate syrup prior to a tryst. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 93 16:41:35 PST
From: kathy ( Kathy Frazier )
Subject: Quote of the year
To: various
This one isn't Politically correct either, but it sounds pretty true.
Quote of the year from David Goerlitz, cigarette model for seven years
and over 40 advertising campaigns: "I asked one of the R.J. Reynolds
executives why they weren't smoking (I thought this quite odd), and he
turned to me and said 'We don't smoke this shit, we just sell it. We
reserve the right to smoke for the young, the poor, the black, and the
stupid.' "
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1993 11:15:45 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Rate your skills!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: cs@pdnet.com (Customer Service)
Organization: Personal Development Network (Encino, CA, USA)
Lucrative Programmer Specialties Rated - 11/7/93
As you know, your choice of specialties has a significant impact on your
income. The following ratings can give you an idea of what the most
lucrative skills are.
The FREE copy of the Computer Consulting Business Factletter (tm)
explains the derivation of these numbers. This info might help you plan
the next step on your career path. Here are the ratings on November 7,
1993.
C/C++ 54 RPG 17 MVS 9
COBOL 40 Novell 15 Natural 7
UNIX 39 SQL 13 JD Edwards 7
CICS 39 IMS 13 GUI 7
AS 400 39 Informix 12 VAX 6
Sybase 38 Paradox 11 Synon 6
DB 2 36 OS/2 11 Smalltalk 6
PowerBuilder 25 Client Server 11 RDBMS 6
Oracle 24 Basic 11 Pick 6
Visual Basic 22 LAN 10 DL/1 6
Windows 21 FoxPro 10
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
[I was terribly tempted to add:
ADA 3 Windows NT 0.1 FORTRAN 2E-37
Lisp nil MT XINU -5 NextStep -inf
but I think they're serious! I wouldn't want to spoil the humor
in that... -psl]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1993 18:59:46 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"No, she's absolutely right," said Zeb, patting the enormous pistol
at his hip. "This IS a penis substitute. After all, if I could
kill at a range of thirty meters with my penis, I wouldn't need to
carry this thing around, now would I?"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 93 15:12:48 -0800
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: Subotica
To: eniac
from next week's Time magazine:
/
Def Jam
Sometimes it's hard to tell which name is a rap singer and
which is a city in the former Yugoslavia:
Ali Dee Bor
Dre Dog Gacko
Dres Gruz
Kilo Jimbolia
Kam Rab
Mad Flava Ruma
Madrok Skofja Loka
Treach Stip
Tarik Stupni Do
Taji Subotica
(rappers are in the left column)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1993 13:35:18 -0500
From: msb@sq.com
Subject: Tablespoons, or, handwriting recognition may be hazardous to your poem
Newsgroups: comp.risks
[This poem was generated by entering Lewis Carroll's poem "Jabberwocky",
from "Through The Looking Glass" into an Apple Newton. Nonsense words in
the original were each written three times to get the most consistent match.]
TABLESPOONS
Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
All mimes were the borrowers,
And the moderate Belgrade.
"Beware the tablespoon my son,
The teeth that bite, the Claus that catch.
Beware the Subjects bird, and shred
The serious Bandwidth!"
He took his Verbal sword in hand:
Long time the monitors fog he sought,
So rested he by the Tumbled tree,
And stood a while in thought.
And as in selfish thought he stood,
The tablespoon, with eyes of Flame,
Came stifling through the trigger wood,
And troubled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and though,
The Verbal blade went thicker shade.
He left it dead, and with its head,
He went gambling back.
"And host Thai slash the tablespoon?
Come to my arms my bearish boy.
Oh various day! Cartoon! Cathay!"
He charted in his joy.
Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
All mimes were the borrowers,
And the moderate Belgrade.
Lewis Carrol's JABBERWOCKY as "recognized" by the Apple Newton,
(c) 1993 Robert McNally. Permission is granted to reproduce this
if the copyright remains intact.
["It seems very pretty," she said when she had finished it, "but it's
rather hard to understand!" (You see she didn't like to confess even to
herself, that she couldn't make it out at all.) --Lewis Carroll]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1993 01:22:52 -0500
From: Chris Siebenmann <cks@sys.toronto.edu>
Subject: talking of AT&T email and favorite bounces [for Yucks?]
To: spaf
My favorite bounce message is one from ihnp4, sent at the time it was
decomissioned, around September of 1988; it was a note saying that a
mail message I had sent December 20th, 1986 had bounced. Almost a two
year delay.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1993 23:07:33 -40962758 (PST)
From: someone
Subject: Texas
To: eniac
jim muchow:
Given recent events in Florida, the tourism board in Texas has
developed a new advertising campaign based on the slogan "Ya'll come
to Texas, where we ain't shot a tourist in a car since November 1963."
from dave barry on WBEZ (local NPR): "If you lived in Miami,
you'd be dead by now"
------------------------------
From: "Tansin A. Darcos & Company" <0005066432@mcimail.com>
Subject: The Internet at house level
To: somewhere
[This refers to the idea of "ToasterNet", where all the household
appliances may one day be networked together. -spaf]
> Since the IETF I've been mulling over the idea of multi-stage access
> for things like thermostats and cat food dispensers. ...
Telephone: Ring! Ring!
Clerk: Hello, networks are us.
Man: Help, I need the SNMP management code for an American
Standard!
Clerk: American Standard what? Router, bridge, brouter, lan?
Man: Look, I need to shut down my toilet! It's leaking all
over the place and I need the computer code to tell my
house to stop it!
Clerk: Why don't you just turn the water off?
Man: I'm in Los Angeles, my house is in Phoenix! My house
sent me a page telling me to read my E-Mail. The
E-Mail message said there's water on the bathroom floor.
I pinged the sink and the tub, and both of them say
they are off, but when I tried to telnet to the toilet,
it said all connections were in use!
This brings new meaning to the term, "Dropping packets all over the floor."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Nov 1993 23:51:19 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: There is no United State embassy in Washington DC
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <163238@netnews.upenn.edu> yu31@grace.wharton.upenn.edu (Junchun Yu) writes:
>I went to Washington DC. To my supprise, I find many countries have opened
>their embassies there except USA. I was totolly shocked. USA claimed to be
>a superpower, and the only superpower, in the world. But it dares not to
>open an embassy on its own soil, What on the earth makes USA refrain from
>opening its own embassy in its own capital. There must be something wrong
>about the State Department of USA.
This is because the US government has recently severed all diplomatic
ties with itself.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 93 09:24:27 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: The young and the clueless: Cafe Pacific??
To: spaf
As you know, there are a bunch of clueless folk around. Somebody
doesn't seem to understand that the airline's name is "Cathay Pacific"
and there have been many corrective postings, but this one seemed to
make the point nicely
A clueless person writes....
=> Has anyone travelled with Cafe Pacific (Hong Kong) and what might
=> you be able to share with me about the airlines. Do they have a
=> good reputation? On time, delays, luggage etc?
and the response...
=> From: pki@itcyyz2.ipsa.reuter.com (Phil King)
=> Subject: Re: Cafe Pacific??
=> Organization: Reuters Information Services (Canada) Ltd., Toronto, Ontario
=>
=> They serve a pretty mean cup of coffee....
=>
------------------------------
Date: 4 Nov 1993 22:15:14 GMT
From: lefevre@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (William J LeFevre)
Subject: Time & Nudity
Newsgroups: sci.edu
In article <1993Nov4.163633.566@megatek.com> jimc@megatek.com writes:
> While sitting at Black's Beach a few weeks ago, (a nude beach
> near San Diego, Ca.), it occurred to me that "after awhile, it will
> be even later than it is right now".
> Why is that?
> -jim
Jimbo-
If you're thinking about time down there on Black's beach maybe it's later
than you think.
Maybe it's even TOO late.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1993 08:19:24 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Unix-to-Unix beer protocol
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
NAME
uubp -- Unix-to-Unix beer protocol
SYNOPSIS
uubp [- acefghlqy] site
DESCRIPTION
Uupb allows the user to transfer beer, ale, or other fermented grain
beverages between network sites. Using TCP/IP (telecommunications
protocol for imbibing pilsners), uubp encodes beer from a local
file system into packets suitable for FTP (fermentation transfer
protocol) delivery at a remote IP site.
Example:
% uubp -c"AMBER" -f0.7 -y0 -q2 198.137.240.100
The preceding example sends two six-packs (-q2) of amber ale (-c"AMBER")
with a fizziness quotient of 70%, brewed using yeast of type 0 (saccharo-
myces cerevisiae) to IP address 198.137.240.100, which is the IP address
for the White House.
RESTRICTIONS
Both source and destination sites must be running uubp-daemon. In
addition, local restrictions exist in many areas for the transportation
of alcohol across state lines. The Electronic Frontier Foundation is
currently involved in litigation to ensure the ability to distribute
beer through the uubp protocol according to the 21st Amendment. To
support the SIG of EFF devoted to this cause, join the Homebrewers of
the Electronic Frontier Engaged in Winning Electronic Independence and
Zeroing Establishment Nonsense (HEFEWEIZEN), or send mail to
hefeweizen@eff.eff.org. Be sure to include the entire text of
this manual page.
NOTES
Relax. Don't worry. Have a homebrew!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1993 16:05:27 -0500
From: rissa@world.std.com (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: Weird Al -- Jurassic Park
To: eniac
from his new album "Alapalooza"
Jurassic Park
parody of "MacArthur Park by Jimmy Webb
new lyrics by Al Yankovic
I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors
Well, believe me... this has been some lousy day.
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kind of eeire
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again
Oh no
I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disembowled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyranasaurous ate our lawyer
Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T.Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no
[screaming/growling/roaring interlude]
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no E ticket
Think I'll tell 'em where to stick in
'Cause I'm never coming back this way again
On no Oh no
[I sure wish Weird Al was on the net and contributing to Yucks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1993 19:15:59 GMT
From: daveb@harlqn.co.uk (Dave Berry)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
> It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered
> recently is four times bigger then the previous record.
> -- John Blasik
Mathematicians at Cambridge University announced today that they have
discovered a new whole number between 27 and 28. "We don't know much
about its properties", said a spokesman, "but it is causing lots of
bother in equations. However, we do know that it's divisible by 6 -
but only once".
-- "On the hour", BBC Radio.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------