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Yucks Digest V3 #34
Yucks Digest Tue, 9 Nov 93 Volume 3 : Issue 34
Today's Topics:
BE THE ENVY OF YOUR FRIENDS - LIVE WITH SHEEP!
cutie (2 msgs)
Ig Nobel Prizes
Peer-reviewed spam
Seminars for Men
State of astronomy education (sigh)
Super Disclaimer
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 6 Oct 93 20:18:07 GMT
From: jcooley@world.std.com (John Cooley)
Subject: BE THE ENVY OF YOUR FRIENDS - LIVE WITH SHEEP!
Newsgroups: ne.wanted
!!! "Come live with sheep, history and $265/mo +
/o o\ / 3 full bathrooms in a old Poor Farm"
( > )
\ - / Looking for two roommates to live in an old Poor
_] [_ Farm (built 1752) with 14 acres of land, a stream,
woodlands & pasture with sheep in Holliston, MA.
(Holliston is two towns south of Framingham and three towns west
of Newton. Travel time to Boston is approx. 50 minutes.)
Rent is $265.00 per month plus utilities which ranges from $15 to
$85 per month for everything except phone.
The house has 3 floors with 3 full bathrooms, a full sized farm
kitchen with skylights and a wood stove, one large and one small
living room, a greenhouse extension, a wood fired cedar lined
sauna, infinite space for gardens, lots o' parking, a back yard
full of apple, pear and peach trees, a grape arbour, a boysenberry
tree, walking distance (1/4 mile) from an ATM, a Betrucci's, a
liquor store, a 24 hour store, a deli and a breakfast resturant.
What we're looking for is two roommates who:
- Don't smoke, aren't allergic to and like animals but
don't have any of their own.
- Have a steady source of income.
- Are doing something with their lives like studying, art,
reading & discussing books, a business and/or involved
in something community/society oriented. (What we're not
looking for is someone who's just seeking out cheap rent;
but someone doing something other than just working, going
home to sleep in their room and then going back to work.)
- People interested in living in a household where others are
friendly with each other. We're not interesting in becoming
completely involved with your circle of friends; but that
doesn't mean you have to pretend your roommates don't exist.
We believe home should be a pleasant place to live.
If you're interested either e-mail reply to this post or phone
John Cooley at (508) 429-4357 (24 hour phoning is OK -- if you don't
get a person you'll get an answering service.)
[Critical question -- are any of the sheep single? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 12 Oct 93 04:31:41 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: gatech!cs.purdue.edu!spaf
Contributed by: cornell!hal
[My younger brother found this on a bulletin board in the Northwestern
University music library. I have no other information about where it
originated, and my copy is an nth generation copy (where n is fairly
large).
Why Mozart Lost the Job
Dear Dean X:
I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty
for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music
Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their
prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues.
While the list of works and performances that the candidate submitted
is undoubtedly a full one, though not always accurate in the view of
our musicologists, it reflects activity _outside_ education. Mr.
Mozart does not have an earned doctorate; indeed, very little in the
way of formal training or teaching experience. There is a good deal of
instability too evidenced in the resume. Would he really settle down
in a large state university? And while we have no church connections,
as chairman I must voice a concern over the incidents with the Arch-
bishop of Salzburg. They hardly confirm his abilities to be a good
team man.
I know that the strong supporting letter from Mr. Haydn, himself a
successful composer, suggests that some of the candidate's problems are
not really to the heart of the matter. But Mr. Haydn is writing from a
very special situation. Esterhazy is a well-funded private institution,
rather a long way from our university, and better able than we are to
accommodate a nonacademic like Mr. Haydn. Our concern is not just with
the most gifted--but because state funds are involved, with all who come
to us seeking an education in music. I have drawn to your attention
many times the budget and space problems in the department.
The musicology faculty did say after the interview that Mr. Mozart
seemed to have little knowledge of music before Bach and Handel. If he
were only to teach composition, that might not be a serious impediment,
but we expect everyone to be able to assume some of the burden of large
undergraduate survey classes in music history.
The applied faculty were impressed by his piano playing, rather old-
fashioned though some thought it to be. That he also performed on the
violin and viola seemed for us to be stretching versatility dangerously
thin.
The composition faculty were in the same way skeptical about his
extensive output. They rightly warn us from their own experience that
to receive many performances is no guarantee of quality, and the senior
professor points out that Mr. Mozart promotes many of these performances
himself. He has never won the support of a major foundation.
One of my colleagues was present a year or two ago at the premiere of,
I believe, a violin sonata, and he discovered afterwards that Mr. Mozart
had indeed not fully written out the piano part before he played it.
This may be all very well in that world, but it sets a poor example to
students in their assignments, and one can only think with trepidation
of a concerto performance by our student orchestra with Mr. Mozart.
Naturally, he proved to be an entertaining man at dinner and spoke
amusingly of his travels. It was perhaps significant that he and our
colleagues seemed to have few acquaintances in common. One lady
colleague was offended by an anecdote our guest told and left early.
We are glad as a faculty to have had the chance to meet the visitor,
but do not see our way to recommending an appointment, and least of all
with tenure. Our first need, as I have emphasized to your office, is
for a specialist in music education primary methods.
Please give my regards to Mr. Mozart when you write him. I am sure he
will continue to do well in that very different world he has chosen and
which suites him better, I believe, than higher education.
Yours Sincerely,
Y.... Z......
Chairman
Department of Music
P.S. Some good news. Our senior professor of composition tells me
there is now a very good chance that a movement of his concerto will
have its premiere next season. You will remember that his work was
commissioned by a foundation and won first prize nine years ago.
------------------------------
Date: 30 Sep 93 04:31:45 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: bmcg!mikel
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---------------
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Take Our Free Aptitude Test.
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
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If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
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The say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
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Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
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03458-0463
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------------------------------
Date: 9 Oct 1993 00:51:26 GMT
From: lost in editing
Subject: Ig Nobel Prizes
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
THE 1993 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS
The winners of the 1993 Ig Nobel Prizes were announced
in a ceremony held at MIT in Cambridge, MA on October 7, 1993.
The Prizes honor individuals whose achievements cannot or
should not be reproduced. The ceremony was produced, as usual,
by The Journal of Irreproducible Results and The MIT Museum.
Eleven Ig Nobel Prizes were given this year. The winners
come from 16 different countries: Australia; Belgium;
Canada; England; France; Germany; Ireland; Israel;
Luxembourg; the Netherlands; New Zealand; the Philippines;
Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and the United States.
A number of dignitaries shared the podium at the ceremony,
including Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb (Chemistry,
1976), and Sheldon Glashow (Physics, 1979); Professor
emeritus Russell Johnson of Gilligan's Island; "Einstein's
Dream" author Alan Lightman; Root canal therapy expert
Philip Molloy of Tufts University Dental School, MIT
economist Paul Krugman, and jazz harpist Deborah Henson-
Conant.
The new winners:
PSYCHOLOGY
John Mack of Harvard Medical School and David Jacobs of
Temple University, mental visionaries, for their leaping
conclusion that people who believe they were kidnapped by
aliens from outer space, probably were -- and especially for
their conclusion that, in Professor Jacobs's words, "the
focus of the abduction is the production of children."
[Both Mack and Jacobs have written and spoken extensively on
the subject. A good introduction is the book "Secret Life,"
by David Jacobs with an introduction by John Mack, Simon and
Schuster, New York, 1992.]
CONSUMER ENGINEERING
Ron Popeil, incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of
late night television, for redefining the industrial
revolution with such devices as the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket
Fisherman, the Cap Snaffler, Mr. Microphone, and the Inside-
the-Shell Egg Scrambler.
BIOLOGY
Paul Williams, Jr. of the Oregon State Health Division and
Kenneth W. Newell of the Liverpool School of Tropical
Medicine, bold biological detectives, for their pioneering
study, "Salmonella Excretion in Joy-Riding Pigs." [The
study was published in "The American Journal of Public
Health," vol. 60, no. 5, May, 1970. Kenneth Newell died in
March, 1990.]
ECONOMICS
Ravi Batra of Southern Methodist University, shrewd
economist and best-selling author of "The Great Depression
of 1990" ($17.95) and "Surviving the Great Depression of
1990" ($18.95), for selling enough copies of his books to
single-handedly prevent worldwide economic collapse.
PEACE
The Pepsi-Cola Company of the Phillipines, suppliers of
sugary hopes and dreams, for sponsoring a contest to create
a millionaire, and then announcing the wrong winning number,
thereby inciting and uniting 800,000 riotously expectant
winners, and bringing many warring factions together for the
first time in their nation's history.
VISIONARY TECHNOLOGY
Presented jointly to Jay Schiffman of Farmington Hills,
Michigan, crack inventor of AutoVision, an image projection
device that makes it possible to drive a car and watch
television at the same time, and to the Michigan state
legislature, for making it legal to do so. [Michigan House
Bill 4530, Public Act #55 was signed into law by the
Governor on June 6, 1991.]
CHEMISTRY
James Campbell and Gaines Campbell of Lookout Mountain,
Tennessee, dedicated deliverers of fragrance, for inventing
scent strips, the odious method by which perfume is applied
to magazine pages. [Additional historical information about
the invention of scent strips can be obtained from the
Campbells' former colleague, Ronald Versic, President of the
Ronald P. Dodge Company in Dayton, OH.]
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
At the specific request of author #48 of the SLD high energy
physics research group, the 1993 Ig Nobel Literature Prize
is NOT being awarded to him and his 405 co-authors for their
research paper, "First Measurement of the Left-Right Cross
Section Asymmetry in Z Boson Production by e+ e-
Collisions," Physical Review Letters, volume 70, number 17,
April 26, 1993.
LITERATURE
Awarded jointly to E. Topol, R. Califf, F. Van de Werf, P.
W. Armstrong, and their 972 co-authors, for publishing a
medical research paper which has ten times as many authors
as pages.
[Source "An International Ramdomized Trial Comparing Four
Thrombolytic Strategies for Acute Myocardial Infarction,"
The New England Journal of Medicine, volume 329, number 10,
September 2, 1993, pages 673-682. The co-authors come from
15 different nations: Australia; Belgium; Canada; England;
France; Germany; Ireland; Israel; Luxembourg; the
Netherlands; New Zealand; Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and
the United States.]
MATHEMATICS
Robert Faid of Greenville, South Carolina, farsighted and
faithful seer of statistics, for calculating the exact odds
(8,606,091,751,882:1) that Mikhail Gorbachev is the
Antichrist.
[Faid's complete calculation is contained in the book
"Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?" published by
Victory House, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The pertinent section of the
book was reprinted in the January, 1989 issue of Harper's
Magazine.]
PHYSICS
Louis Kervran of France, ardent admirer of alchemy, for his
conclusion that the calcium in chickens' eggshells is
created by a process of cold fusion. [For an English
language version of Kervran's research see the book
"Biological Transmutations, and their applications in
chemistry, physics, biology, ecology, medicine, nutrition,
agriculture, geology," by Louis Kervran, Swan House
Publishing Co., 1972.]
MEDICINE
James F. Nolan, Thomas J. Stillwell, and John P. Sands, Jr.,
medical men of mercy, for their painstaking research report,
"Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis." [Nolan is
Associate in Urology at the Guthrie Clinic in Sayre, PA.
Stillwell is in private practice at North Urology, Ltd., in
Robbinsdale, MN. Sands is Chairman of the Department of
Urology, Naval Hospital, San Diego, CA. Their report was
published in "The Journal of Emergency Medicine," vol. 8,
1990.]
Press contacts for more information:
Kathleen Thurston-Lighty, Assistant Director
MIT Museum, 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139
(617) 253-4422 ktl@mitvma.mit.edu
Marc Abrahams, Editor
The Journal of Irreproducible Results, P.O. Box 380853,
Cambridge, MA 02238 (617) 491-4437 jir@athena.mit.edu
To subscribe to The Journal of Irreproducible Results:
JIR, P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238
(800) 759-6102 of (617) 876-7000
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 21:11:18 GMT
From: sschaff@roc.SLAC.Stanford.EDU (Stephen F. Schaffner)
Subject: Peer-reviewed spam
Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.spam,alt.spam
I am posting the following letter on behalf of its author, who lacks access
to these groups. -- sfs
Hormel Corporation 9/1/93
Division of Scientific and Humorous Study
Dear Sirs,
My name is Dr. Jeffrey R. Olson. I have recently received my Ph.D.
in experimental physics from Cornell University. My primary thesis topic was
in the area of low temperature physics, near absolute zero. During the course
of my experimentation, I had a rather unique opportunity. Enclosed please find
a copy of my recently-published paper, "Thermal conductivity of some common
cryostat materials between 0.05 and 2 K, Cryogenics, 33, 729 (1993).
While most of the data in the paper are on
various insulating and conducting materials used by low-temperature scientists,
please note Table 1 and Fig. 2, where I've reported measurements of the
thermal conductivity (essentially a measure of how well a material conducts
heat) of SPAM.
SPAM is not, in this case, simply an acronym for another
material, as you will note that it isn't listed in the "Experimental procedure"
section (in order to reduce the likelihood that some humor-impaired journal
referee would notice and ask that the data be removed from the article). A
thorough literature search has led me to conclude that these are the only
low-temperature materials-properties measurements ever performed on a canned
meat, and furthermore, that this was the only piece of SPAM ever to be cooled
to 1/20th of a degree above absolute zero. I felt compelled to
draw this to your attention.
In order to cool to low temperatures, one
must first evacuate the sample chamber to be cooled. This process partially
dehydrated the 1.5x1.5x1.5 cm sample, resulting in a piece of what I would
describe as "SPAM jerky", and the uncontrolled water content consequently will
probably result in irreproducibility of my measurements. (I predict that
lower water-content samples will conduct heat less well than those with more
residual water.)
I attempted to encase the SPAM sample in an epoxy resin to preserve it
forever, but unfortunately the epoxy underwent an exothermic reaction during
hardening, which rendered the block opaque and unsuitable for public display.
I have since changed fields somewhat, taking a position as a Postdoctoral
physicist at Los Alamos National Laboratory, and consequently do not foresee
being able to repeat the experiment in order produce another "supercooled"
sample of Hormel's Miracle Meat in a Can.
I should point out that I have striven to spread
the joy of SPAMophilia to others ever since my first experience with it on a
camping trip in 1980. I can say with assurance that there are at least 10
people who regularly (more than once a month) consume SPAM as a consequence of
this. One way through the use of music; specifically, a jazz combo I helped
form which adopted the name "SPAM-Fisted Butchers of Jazz" (where SPAM-Fisted
is akin to Ham-Fisted, only more so). Enclosed please find a copy of the words
I wrote to our theme song, "SPAM-Sixteen", sung to the tune of the 60's
favorite, "You're Sixteen". Please pardon the reference to "government ham".
Finally, please find enclosed several recipes for SPAM dishes which have
never failed to delight guests. To this day, I never go camping without a
can of SPAM.
As an aside, I am interested in purchasing SPAM paraphernalia such as tee
shirts, frisbees, etc. Would you please send me a catalogue if one is
available.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey R. Olson, Ph.D.
P.O. Box 504
Espanola, NM 87532
505-753-2619
"SPAM Sixteen", sung to the tune of "You're Sixteen"
You're rectangular meat, ooh what a treat,
Made from government ham.
You're so pink, and edible, and you're SPAM.
When you're glazed you're a meal, and ooh what a deal,
A can costs a buck eighty-nine.
You're so pink, and edible, and you're SPAM.
You're so tasty, you're the best,
Just how they shaped you I can't guess.
You twist the key, remove the lid,
Who ever said you're just for kids?
When I'm out in the woods, or just want a snack,
I reach for my friend in a can.
You're so pink, and edible, and you're SPAM.
(Tape available, "Live at the Chapterhouse, the SPAM-Fisted Butchers of Jazz)
California Barbecued SPAM (Unveiled at the 1990 Newman Lab Summer Solstice
BBQ, Ithaca, NY)
Ingredients:
6 fresh Croissants One can SPAM, thinly sliced
6 slices Provolone, Muenster or Smoked Gouda Cheese
One large ripe tomato, sliced Alfalfa Sprouts
One medium-sized zucchini, sliced Dijon Mustard
Grill SPAM until brown, crispy and oh-so tasty. Place on croissant and top
with other ingredients. Use Mustard to taste. Guaranteed to turn heads at a
public barbecue. Use Smoked SPAM for extra zestiness!
Fifteen Bean SPAM Stew (Unveiled at a mingling of Physicists and
Veterinarians, 1989, Ithaca, NY)
Ingredients:
2 cans SPAM, cut into 1/2" cubes 3 potatoes, cubed
4 carrots, sliced 3 tomatoes, cut into eighths
2 onions, coarsely cut 1 16oz bag of 15-Bean soup mix
12oz of liquid (beer is particularly tasty)
Soy sauce, curry powder, red and black pepper, basil, lemon peel to taste
Combine all ingredients in a crock pot, stirring spices thoroughly. Cook on
low for 6-12 hours. A meal in itself, it only gets better with reheating.
SPAM Breakfast Sandwiches (Unveiled at a post-mountain-climbing breakfast,
1993, Espanola, NM)
Ingredients:
1 can of SPAM, cut into 12 slices lengthwise 8 eggs
6 slices of american cheese 6 bagels, sliced
Fry SPAM until brown. Scramble eggs. Toast bagels. Place 2 slices of SPAM,
side by side, on bagel. Top with eggs, then a slice of cheese. Season with
tabasco sauce. A great way to start your day.
SPAM pizza (Unveiled at a physics geek dinner, 1989, Ithaca, NY)
Ingredients:
1 loaf frozen bread dough, thawed 1 jar spaghetti sauce
6 oz mozzarella cheese, grated 1 small can SPAM, diced
1 small onion, chopped 4 cloves garlic, minced
1 small zucchini, sliced thinly oregano
Form crust out of bread dough. Cook for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Top with
sauce, SPAM, other toppings and cheese. Add oregano to taste. Cook at 350
degrees until cheese is golden brown. Guests will talk about it for days.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 03:45:55 GMT
From: nam@netcom.com (Nancy A. Miller)
Subject: Seminars for Men
Newsgroups: ba.singles
SEMINARS FOR MEN
----------------
Once again the female staff will be offering courses to men of all
marital status. Class size will be limited to 10 as course material
may prove difficult.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Icetray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give us $
6. Understanding the Female Response to You Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly, "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right!
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You - The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. How To Stay Awake After Sex
16. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It - If You Really Try
17. Sex 201 - The Morning Dilemma - Go Take A Shower
18. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
19. The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
20. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
21. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Bored
22. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
23. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
26. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
27. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
28. Real Men Ask For Directions
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Sep 1993 14:10:48 GMT
From: keel@hera.astr.ua.edu
Subject: State of astronomy education (sigh)
Newsgroups: sci.astro
As another academic term is upon us, I thought it appropriate to post this
list of excerpts from actual papers in introductory astronomy classes
over the last few years. They are verbatim, except for a few typos thath have
been repaired. And these are people who had been sitting through whole
lectures on the various subjects...
Any additions will be viewed with alarm.
Bill Keel Astronomy, University of Alabama
A radio telescope often sends messages to the astronomer by the use of
frequencies.
The gravity of the earth while rotating receives a bulge on the sides due
to the speed of the earth and in what relation the moon is to the
earth. When the ocean waters become full to capacity it overflows upon
the beaches. After the earth rotates the oceans can hold that water again
on the earth due to the relation of gravity and mass of the two direct
points.
During the winter months, the Earth is higher away from the Sun so we have
longer days.
During a lunar eclipse the sun is completely covered by the moon and during
a lunar eclipse the moon just passes through the earth's shadow.
During lunar eclipses, the moon travels around the sun preventing light to
the earth. During solar eclipses, the earth travels around the moon.
The earth's surface is closer to the moon than it is to the center of the
earth.
The star starts out by being formed by gravity pushing being pushed back.
Clouds of gas and particles float throughout the atmosphere. As these
processes continue the stars gain luminosity, size, distance, and energy.
Helium has no insulation, so therefore it radiates off the star and causes
it to swell.
It will be several millenia before there are any significant changes in the
Sun.
A main sequence star transforms into a Red Giant - the Red Giant is very
hot. The Red Giant goes to the envelope magnitide and after gradual
cooling, the end process is a white dwarf. A white dwarf generates
no energy inside its core. This whole process can take months and sometimes
years.
Mesopotamia was an area in the valley of Euphrates and Tigris river, now
the region of Iraq. Much of the celestial bodies and their ways came from
the people of this area. The summarians, a pre-semantic population,
occupied this ancient area of land.
These smaller planets are said to be fragments produced by collisions and
some of the larger ones were named by the collisions.
Some 200 years ago, X-ray astronomy was used to obtain temperatures of the
atmosphere at many different altitudes.
Most impacts on the Earth's surface are impact craters.
Asteriods are minor planets that orbit the sun like a planet in the area
of the solar system called the astriod belt.
A comet is an object that orbits the sun in the shape of an ellipse.
This era has experienced a new aspect of science termed Radio Astronomy,
"a vile new science which stemmed from radio engineering but finally became
established as a powerful complementary ally to the most ancient of the
sciences".
The incredible fascination with the Milky Way has become so great that
poets have even written poems about it.
Most of this reasoning lies in the fact that the Milky Way is not alone. It
is part of the magnificent Milky Way Galaxy which is still being studied
today.
People all around the world are fascinated with the thought that there may
be extraterrestrial life on Mars.
During a solar eclipse the sun tends to stay out longer and is much more
damaging - it takes longer for the earth to rotate. The lunar eclipse means
less sunlight and the earth rotates faster.
Since the distance from the center of the earth to its outer edge is 4000
times farther than from the earth to the moon, the gravitational pull from
the moon pulls the liquid part of our earth to a slight point.
The retrograde motions of the earth give rise to the seasons, as shown
here.
During a solar eclipse, the moon passes at just the right time and distance
from the moon that it appears to cover the sun.
Radio telescopes can become blurred because of the actual radio waves in
motion.
"...growth of both the earth and the moon from pronto planets..."
As all the stars in the universe the Sun might have resulted from the huge
cloud theory. But whatever the reason was, the Sun have been founded for at
least 4.5 million years.
The Sun is one of the clearest stars to be seen on earth because it has the
largest animosity.
When the possibility of life existing in other places is discussed, the
plant Jupiter is left out.
In that experiment results support the theory that life once may have been
present on Earth years ago.
In addition, size is very important for bacterial and fungal spores and for
viruses beause the distance of the organism from the star for the ratoi of
radiative acceleration is the same at all distances.
There is a bright side to being the first and only intelligent beings in
our galaxy - we will have the chance to found the Galactic Empire!
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jul 93 20:29:00 GMT
From: mmcknight@aardvark.ucs.uoknor.edu (MICHELYNN)
Subject: Super Disclaimer
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
>Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1993 13:39:33 -0700
>Sender: Medical Libraries Discussion List <MEDLIB-L@UBVM.BITNET>
>Subject: Consumer Health/Disclaimer Form
>I have recently started copying articles on health subjects and sending
>them to our Hospital Health Resources at the local shopping mall.
>Individuals at the Resource Center fill out a form requesting information,
>that form is sent to the Medical Library, and I copy and return to the
>Center pertinent information from the Library's consumer health books.
>I asked our attorney if we should attach a simple disclaimer form to the
>information and he said he thinks it would be a good idea. I told him
>I would gather some samples of such a disclaimer form from other
>libraries if any are available.
>I would be grateful for samples of any forms other libraries might be using.
This is intended to be humorous, so please do not take it seriously -- if the
sight of humor on MEDLIB-L makes you faint, please read no further and hit
your delete key now.
I think that lawyers would love this disclaimer simply because it seems to
cover every possible avenue of litigation:
DISCLAIMER: This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of
either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that;
don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this
article freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to
change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail;
any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and
purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law;
hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or
spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited
time only; this article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise
restricted; caveat emptor; article is provided "as is" without any
warranties; reader assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity
article; no shoes, no shirt, no articles; quantities are limited while
supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them
yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk;
parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials
some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away
from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family
please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to
win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are
included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery
when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your
protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not
liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if
rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read
only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool
dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin
and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120
degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source;
smoking this article could be hazardous to your health; the best
safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt,
MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce
vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; articles are
ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer
valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies;
allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; disclaimer does
not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic
eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage
from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or
unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered
serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom
vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and
incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water,
motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof,
broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include,
but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers,
napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays,
knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply.
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End of Yucks Digest
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