Yucks Digest V3 #36 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Thu,  2 Dec 93       Volume 3 : Issue  36 

Today's Topics:
                        ****english jokes*****
                        A fun-loving place...
                         April Fooling Hacks
                    cast your tax upon the waters
                            cutie (2 msgs)
                                Dos 6
                             Flying OS's
              For sale: Serpent venom (Vipera Libetina)
                         Girls freeze butts!
                      Give 'Em The Atomic Chair!
                 He's just a set of initials to them
                 Hitch Hiker Movie - Request for Help
                      i knew it all the time...
                        more buddha-nature...
                NFS server not responding still trying
                      Quote of the day (6 msgs)
                          Real engineers ...
                         Stick to Twin Peaks!
          Submission for YUCKS: Too weird to not pass on...
             Sweating Hydrogen (Another Great Gift Idea!)
                            unsub hell...
                          We know you care.
                             What a guy!
             Whether or not big brother is watching us...
     Yucks submission: Hubble Space Telescope problems explained

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Wed, 24 Nov 93 15:35:04 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: ****english jokes*****
To: spaf

a nice juxtaposition... english jokes via p-mail versus
			polish  jokes via e-mail

> Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
> From: xsvar01@vse.cz (Svab Radomir (MO))
> Subject: ****english jokes*****
> Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 10:59:45 GMT
> Please,
> send your english jokes on P-mail address:


Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 14:25:28 EST
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (D. W. James)
Subject: A fun-loving place...
To: eniac

        "Today is Amnesty Day in Valparaiso, Indiana. Police are giving
residents an opportunity to turn in pipe bombs, hand grenades, missiles
and illegal fireworks without facing criminal or civil charges.
Residents can contact the sheriff's department to have the items picked

[Indiana residents take the start of basketball season very seriously.


Date: 22 Nov 1993 22:38:26 GMT
From: miser@stein1.u.washington.edu (Robert Fulwell)
Subject: April Fooling Hacks
Newsgroups: alt.hackers

In article <rootbeer-211193144401@ppp-023.teleport.com>,
Tom Phoenix <rootbeer@teleport.com> wrote:
>I'm in search of April Fools Hacks. These do not necessarily have to have
>been done on April 1, but I am looking for hacks of such high quality that
>you would have been proud to have been on the receiving end.

How about TP'ing my 11 story dorm building Freshman year.  It took more than
300 rolls of toilet paper two rolls of masking tape and the four of us more
than 6 hours to complete the task near finals week.  Oh, and the roof is
always locked.  By the time we were finished, all four walls of the building
had a blanket of white streamers extended from the roof to the ground.

Haven't been able to think of anything to top it since....

[The image of topping the toilet paper with something lends itself
to several images, none of which I think I ought to share....  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 19 Nov 93 09:00:38 CDT
From: CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu
Subject: cast your tax upon the waters
To: eniac

The following is an excerpt from a news item posted 
to one of the electronic news services:

>>: Indonesia pays compensation to first president's widow

	>> JAKARTA   -- The government said Thursday it has paid a $2.85
>> million to Dewi Sukarno, the Japanese-born widow of Indonesia's
>> first president, to compensate her for a house she was given
>> by her late husband.
	>> The minister of state, Secretary Murdiono, told Indonesian reporters
>> on board an airplane from Tunis to Seattle, that a piece of
>> land owned by Dewi in the western Java city of Bogor also
>> would be returned immediately to her.
	>> The land has been occupied by a government agency. Murdiono said the
>> compensation paid to Dewi was $2.85 million, or $2.38 billion
>> after taxes.


I *like* the way this tax system works, and I'm moving to 
Indonesia immediately! 


Date: 26 Nov 93 04:31:37 EST (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@news.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: gatech!cs.purdue.edu!spaf

Contributed by: uiucdcsb!mcdaniel

Instead of the usual expression of the speed of light in as
186,000 miles per second, I've seen it expressed in units of
furlongs per fortnight and cubits per century.

 1 furlong == 220 yards.
 1 fortnight == "four[teen] night[s]" == 14 days.
 1 cubit == based on the length of the forearm from the
            elbow to the tip of the middle finger and usually
            equal to about 18 inches.

 I leave the exact values of the speed of light in these units
as an exercise for the student.

Another story (probably false): a firm sent a sample to a lab to get
its density.  The lab sent back an answer in grams per cubic
centimeter.  The firm sent back a very stuffy letter saying that they
used the English system of measurement and would the lab send back
IMMEDIATELY the equivalent value.  (As if the firm didn't have a

The lab sent back its answer in stones per royal firkin.


Date: 1 Dec 93 04:32:11 EST (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@news.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: gatech!cs.purdue.edu!spaf

Contributed by: ism780!jeff

The great detective was explaining how he had finished off Count Dracula.
"It was really quite simple, I had him change his citizenship."
    "But there must have been more to it than that!" exclaimed his
companion and biographer.
    "No, actually, not.  I sent him a series of travel folders, some
books on the history of England, and the estate advertisements from the
Sunday Times.  He quickly leased a large manor in the lake district and
moved his household.  Then he turned in his Transynvanian passport and
became a subject of the Crown.  He then set his alarm clock, ready to
rise when the sun set, to go off in search of fresh blood.  But when he
awoke, it was still day.  He thought he had miscalculated, reset his
alarm clock for 12 hours later, and dozed off again.  When the clock went
off, it was still daylight.  He was shocked.  He started setting the
clock for shorter and shorter intervals, until finally in frustration,
ignoring the danger, he leapt out of his coffin, and took off in search
of me, realizing what had happened.  Of course, once in the sunlight, his
demise was assured."
    His companion was still puzzled.  "Well, what happened.  It can't be
so simple."
    "Elementary my dear chap.  Hadn't you heard that the sun never sets
on the British vampire?"


Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1993 18:58:02 GMT
From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes)
Subject: Dos 6
Newsgroups: rec.games.int-fiction

+-- kxd@genrad.com (Kevin J. Dodge) writes:

Ah, yes, the famous "Dos 6" text adventure.  

Your floppy disk hums and spins.  A dialog box appears, saying:

| Don't you want your hard disk formatted? |
|      ,----------,     ,----------,       |
|      |   Yes    |     |    No    |       |
|      '----------'     '----------'       |

[Your score goes down 1 point.]
The computer boots from the floppy in your A: drive,
and a dialog box appears saying:

| A:\WINDOWS.INI not found, delete all Windows files instead? |
|       ,----------,    ,----------,    ,----------,          |
|       |    OK    |    |   Sure   |    | Go ahead |          |
|       '----------'    '----------'    '----------'          |

The floppy drive seems unwilling to let go of the floppy.

With a sickening grinding noise, the floppy is ejected.

[Your score goes down 1 point.]
The computer reboots.  You are at the C:\> prompt.

You put the floppy back into the drive.

The drive hums for a moment, then a dialog box appears:

| Error reading drive A.  Do you want to abort,  |
| retry, or format every available drive?        |
|  ,----------,    ,----------,    ,----------,  |
|  |   Spam   |    |   Spam   |    |   Spam   |  |
|  '----------'    '----------'    '----------'  |

You can't quit.  This is real life.


You have a total of -12742 points, in 746059261 moves.
This score gives you a rank of Macintosh Enthusiast.


Date: Tue, 23 Nov 93 10:19:21 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Flying OS's
To: spaf

(Origin unknown)

If operating systems ran airlines:

DOS Airline:  Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again,
then push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airline:  The same thing but with more leg room to

Mac Airline:  All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage
handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk
the same.  Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything
will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

OS/2 Airline:  To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped
ten different times by standing in ten different lines.  Then you
fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether it
should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a
bus.  If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip...except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen
in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
get yourself prepared before the crash.

Windows Airline:  The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with
friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, an
uneventful takeoff...then the plane blows up without any warning

NT Airline:  Everyone marches out on the runway, says the
password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane.  Then
they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.

Unix Airline:  Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them
when they come to the airport.  They all go out on the runway and
put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about
what kind of plane they're building.


Date: Thu, 25 Nov 93 15:40:59 +0200
From: Lina Rybak <lina@aladon.donetsk.ua>
Subject: For sale: Serpent venom (Vipera Libetina)
Newsgroups: relcom.commerce.medicine,ukr.commerce.misc,alt.forsale,misc.forsale,news.misc,asia.ads,bel.commerce,ba.market.misc,su.market,um.forsale

        For sale:

Serpent venom (Vipera Libetina), amp. 3 and 5 grs.

The payment is effected in US Dollars, $ 6000 for 1 gr.

Both quality certificate and licence are available.

Contact only by tel/fax (007)(3432) 56-97-56
        ^^^^           (Russia, Ekaterinburg)

[Stock up now for Christmas.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 15:48:51 -0600 (CST)
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Girls freeze butts!
To: spaf

_The Oregonian_, Friday, Nov. 12, 1993:

SILVERTON -- Dick Kromminga, principal at Silverton High School,
said a pep rally stunt last week that burned four students won't
ever be repeated.

The four suffered severe burns on their buttocks from sitting
on blocks of dry ice.

"We pulled a brain-deader, and we will make sure we don't do
it again," Kromminga said.

The girls were chosen by their classmates for a stunt last week
to see who could sit on the ice the longest.  Dry ice, or solid
carbon dioxide, can be as cold as 112 degrees below zero.

[Who won?  How long?  --spaf]

The four were treated at Silverton Hospital.

Dr. Frank Lord said some of the girls may need skin grafts.
"The truth is, I've never seen any frostbite on this part of the
anatomy," he said.

[Interesting way of phrasing that...  --spaf]

Kromminga said the ice-sitting skit was the idea of the school's
cheerleaders and the pep assembly adviser.

Plans for skits normally are approved by the assistant principal
and activities coordinator, but that didn't happen this time
because the assembly was held a day earlier than usual.

Kromminga said he didn't think the pep assembly adviser mentioned
that the girls were going to sit on dry ice.  "That might have
caught somebody's attention," he said.

The girls had been chosen by their respective classes as princesses
of the "touchdown court" with the winner to be crowned at a dance
after the Friday night football game.

[Second prize was setting their hair on fire at the big pep rally
bonfire.  --spaf]

The girls wore jeans and football jerseys.  At the end of the
assembly, several of them said their buttocks felt numb and frozen.

[Makes you wonder about anyone who didn't report feeling that way.

No disciplinary action is planned.  In the future, Kromminga said,
all pep assembly activities will be presented to his staff and
approved 24 hours before the event.


Date: Sun, 28 Nov 1993 10:23:38 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Give 'Em The Atomic Chair!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

	MOSCOW (UPI) -- A Russian businessman who died recently of mysterious
causes was apparently killed by his chair, which was found after his
death to be highly radioactive, Russian newspapers reported Friday.
	Investigators discovered that the deadly office chair was the source
of 1.5 million times more radioactivity than normal background levels,
causing fatal radiation poisoning in the man, the daily Moscovsky
Komsomolets said.
	The man, indentified only as V. Kaplun, was general manager of a
Moscow-based private firm and had been hospitalized for over a month
before his death last week. Doctors had been unable to diagnose his
ailment, though one physician said the symtoms resembled those of
radiation poisoning.
	The dead man's colleages at the firm discovered the chair's potency
after they decided to inspect the office with a Geiger counter and found
levels off the scale.
	Civil defense inspectors found radiation levels on two floors of the
building of 120 to 200 roentgen per hour, the trade union daily Trud
	Inside the man's office, the paper said, ``radiation levels were
enormous, comparable to only Chernobyl.'' The building was immediately
cordoned off.
	Other employees of the firm will be examined for signs of radiation
poisoning. It was not known how the chair became radioactive, though
there have been other incidents in Moscow where ordinary household items
and even foods have been found to be radioactive.

[Police are investigating reports of a nearby kiosk selling
glow-in-the-dark burritos for possible links.  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 25 Nov 93 16:34:07 EST
From: normanc523@aol.com
Subject: He's just a set of initials to them
To: spaf

>From the Los Angeles Times, Nov. 24, 1993:

During a photo session involving President Clinton and some fire victims in
Pasadena, the White House staff handed out a seating chart that identified
all of the individuals taking part, except for one who was designated as
POTUS.  A photographer asked what POTUS meant.

"President of the United States," he was told.


Date: Sun, 28 Nov 93 21:19:24 GMT
From: adamsd@cerf.net (Douglas Adams)
Subject: Hitch Hiker Movie - Request for Help
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books

We need to put together an irresistable package to excite potential
distributors of the movie of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (to be
produced by Michael Nesmith). To do that we need to be able to demonstrate
just how wide-reaching its impact has been in its different forms. Part of
this will just be statisitics on book sales and so on, but what we'd also
like to know is about all the other things that have happened. For instance
I've frequently heard stories of tv or radio stations putting out all the
shows back to back, but don't have any specific information about that.
There have been quite a few amateur stage productions, both in English and
in other languages. I've heard that many schools use the books to teach
from, and so on and so on and so on. Anything we can add to the list will be
very helpful. I'd like the info to be as specific and detailed as possible.

This would really help me. If you have any information please Email it to me
at adamsd@cerf.net, and make the subject 'HHGG Info' (so my mail program can
filter it). Please spread the word round as much as possible, other on-line
services, BBSs, fan groups. Feel free to cross post this message to any
other news groups where you think it will reach people who can help.

Thank you very much! This could have a significant impact on the project!

[Yes, it is *that* Douglas Adams.  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 30 Nov 93 09:10:21 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: i knew it all the time...
To: spaf

This speaks for itself...

> >Newsgroups: unt.general
> >From: ian@ponder.csci.unt.edu (Ian Parberry)
> >Subject: we've misjudged poor Barney
> >Summary: Barney accused of being in league with the devil
> >
> Maybe we've all misjudged Barney.
> >From the Dallas Morning News, Friday 11/26/93, p. 6C
> Scott Shepard, Distributed by Cox News Service
> "Washington --- Forget Willie Horton.  Religious conservatives have found a
> new political demon for the 1990s: Barney the purple dinosaur.
>   The popular PBS kids' show character is ``straight out of the new age and
> the world of demons and devils'' says the Rev. Joseph R. Chambers, who runs
> a four-state radio ministry based in Nother Carolina.
>   Barney, adored by millions of toddlers and pre-schoolers, is yet another
> sign that ``America is under siege from the powers of darkness,'' adds the
> politically conservative Chambers. ... etc."


Date: Tue, 30 Nov 93 09:07:17 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: more buddha-nature...
To: spaf

I think .sig is an appropriate follow-up to my previous forward, though,
then again, given some of the other elements, it could follow-up a number
of forwards!


> ...or kill me!
> -->Ryan Snyder, Consultant   |   --->Finger me for my PGP public key.<---
> -->University of Montana CIS |                  SPAM!
> -->CS000RRS@SELWAY.UMT.EDU   | If you meet The Buddha on the Net, flame him!
> GCS/SS/O d? p--- c++++ l u++ e+/* m* s+/ n+(++) h+ f+ !g t+@ r- y++


Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 17:55:03 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: NFS server not responding still trying
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: NFS server not responding still trying

>From an upcoming NYT article about religon in Silicon Valley:

The valley's religious leaders have even begun to behave like
their high-tech counterparts. Rabbi Block, for example, has found
himself using new analogies in conversation with members -- among
the most effective being that ``God is the ultimate file server.''


Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1993 14:16:54 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

A mystery of the universe is how it has managed to survive
with so much volunteer help.
	-- Norman Maclean


Date: Fri, 19 Nov 93 05:50:01 MST
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

    In Boston drivers don't even obey the laws of _physics_.
        - Dave Barry


Date: Sat, 20 Nov 93 05:50:12 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"Keifer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, and Oliver Platt play The Three
 Musketeers as though they were Archie, Reggie, and Jughead."

 - CBC Radio Calgary movie reviewer describing the new version of _The
   Three Musketeers_, which he claimed reduced the Dumas story to "a
   bunch of fraternity pranks" and compared the acting to the comic book
   characters noted above.  The review was so vicious that the on-air
   staff forgot to mute their microphones and were heard laughing well
   into the national news broadcast.


Date: Tue, 23 Nov 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Today's quote is from Dr. Robert Peters of the 
University of Maryland, commenting on recent
research on heart attack risk factors:

"I would advise people not to have sex while driving to work on
Monday mornings."

[Whew!  At least "hump day" is still safe!  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 25 Nov 93 05:50:06 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look.
 It works in reverse, too.  When I see a kid with three or four rings in
 his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that

 - humourist P. J. O'Rourke


Date: Fri, 26 Nov 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"The possibilities are endless.  I plan to hide in the woods."

 - Gordon Fitch

[Sounds like another Monday.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 1 Dec 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"Commencing that Saturday and every Saturday thereafter, The Financial
 Times will be inserted, at no charge, into all home delivered
 subscribers of The Globe and Mail."

 - a thrilling offer from The Financial Times, June 23, 1993


Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 18:57:06 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Real engineers ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.

Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
they just never remove it.

Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta
release schedule.

Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but
they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.

Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
Christmas, but use them more than he does.

Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but
to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart. 

Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the
interest of efficiency.

Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.

Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box
of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses
at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.

Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.

Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so
she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while

Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because
they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
before buying them.

Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because
its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement
tools in their science kits.

Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.

Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the
same time.

Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.

Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
doing counted cross stitch.

Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on
even during labor.

Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up
on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking
the PE exam.

Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.

Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.

Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor
between contractions.

Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
documentation on how to cut them!)

Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to,
but they can't!


Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1993 14:51:30 EST
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (D. W. James)
Subject: Reality...
To: eniac

------ Forwarded Message

Some excerpts from the instruction sheet for the female condom, which is
called "Reality".

   Keep Reality out of reach of children.

   Read Instructions carefully before using Reality.

   This leaflet explains how to use Reality.

   Some questions women have about using Reality.

   You can use Reality to protect yourself and your partner.

   Reality only works when you use it.

   Use a new Reality with each and every sex act. [my favorite]

   Don't tear Reality.

   How Reality was Tested.

   Take out Reality and examine it closely.

   Inserting Reality.

   Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.

   Reality may tend to move during sex.

   Is Reality noisy during sex?

   Store Reality at room temperature.


Date: Fri, 26 Nov 93 3:20:01 EST
From: rick.zeman@his.com (Rick Zeman)
Subject: Solution...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Heard this on the 98 Rock (Baltimore) morning show:

Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:  He's
invited Lorena Bobbitt over.


Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 08:25:42 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Stick to Twin Peaks!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Tim Peters <tim>

I've spent many an unpleasant hour over the past few days wrestling with
C++ for the first time.  We're not afraid to compare!  Following is an
extract, from the start of our 3-megabytes-and-growing report:

                        Twin Peaks              C++
                        ----------              ---
category                TV show                 programming language

parent                  David Lynch             Bjarne Stroustrup

can say own name?       yes                     questionable

humor                   high                    none

clarity                 high                    low

obscurity               high                    over the edge

syntax                  clean                   incomprehensible

scoping                 concentric &            everywhere, like vomit
                        reentrant waves

fun                     high                    low

suspense                high                    high

casting                 inspired                same crap as C

in color?               yes                     no

stereo sound?           yes                     no

inheritance?            no                      yes, but nobody really
                                                knows what it means

giants & midgets?       yes, but nobody knows   no
                        what it really means

villains?               yes                     yes

heroes?                 yes                     no

net group?              yes                     yes

better alternatives?    no                      yes

how many?               none                    all

And so on.  Clearly-- and I'm sorry if this upsets you --they're not as
similar as most believe.  This Net Creature glimpses part of the ugly

> It seemed obvious to me that not only did C++ miss the whole point of
> object oriented programming, but in many circumstances it's even worse
> than regular C!

Our advice:  Stick to Twin Peaks!  If you absolutely have to learn an
object-oriented language so you won't feel out of place at nerd cocktail
parties, learn Python instead.  It has exactly one keyword in support of
classes, and the full semantics are explained clearly and precisely in a
few pages of text.


Date: Wed, 10 Nov 93 11:46:29 EST
From: Kelly J. Cooper <kjc@cs.rutgers.edu>
Subject: Submission for YUCKS: Too weird to not pass on...
To: spaf

Got this from abbe@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (John C. Abbe aka Rademir) who
gleaned it from chalkhills@presto.ig.com (a mailing list about the
band XTC), where it was posted by venverloh_jeff@po.gis.prc.com
(Venverloh Jeff).  It's the second part of a 2-part interview.

BT: A friend of mine asked me to ask this to you and I don't know what it
means, but he wants to know: if you did and why you took a blow-up shark to
Andy: Ha-ha! It wasn't a blow-up, it was just hollow rubber. It was the best
blow-job that I could transport with me. I was in a Woolworth's in...Melbourne?
I was in Melbourne, and I saw this rubber shark. And I thought, fuck, look at
the mouth on that rubber shark! And I picked it up and it was really soft and
spongy, and I thought, hey! So I tried it out, and it was great, so I took it
around the whole tour of Australia and New Zealand and I bought a little box
for it. Really foxed the customs men, cause they'd say "What's in the box,
mate?" And I'd say, "Rubber shark" (general hilarity). "Okay, get it open, get
it open" You'd open it up and there's a rubber shark. "Okay, fuck off, willya,
mate?" So yeah, it was an interesting masturbatory device for awhile. Cause,
you know, you can't go too careful with some of them diseases out there.
BT: You gotta leave the wife at home and all.
ANDY: Yeah, you know, and you don't want to go back with guilt, so at least you
can go home and say "Darling, I've been fucking a rubber shark for the last two
months!" S'great, you want to try it. Don't get the hard rubber, they're really
painful. A soft, spongy rubber shark is the best blow-job you...
BT: Lemme write this down: soft rubber... This bit is definately for CREEM,
isn't it?
ANDY: The whole suction process and the shape of the innards of the rubber
shark is just phenominal.
BT: We'll follow up your distaste for religion with this particular.
ANDY: Yeah, right. And it was only like ninety cents. The best blow-job for the
best price.
BT: Is there anything we haven't covered that you'd like to talk about?
ANDY: No, kind of the rubber shark is pretty good, there. Ah, there's all sorts
of stuff. We'd better go, I think (laughs). It could get worse from this point
By the way, the article is entitled _Act_Two:_The_Shark_Attack_...

[Some people have much more than too much free time on their hands.


Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 10:07:16 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sweating Hydrogen (Another Great Gift Idea!)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

"Sweating Hydrogen."  Chemical & Engineering News 71(45):66, 8 November.

A number of C&E News readers have noted that the November 1993 Lands'
End catalog carries an ad for thermal underwear which claims to remove
"H2O (also known as sweat)" through evaporation by separating the "H2"
from the "O".  One reader noted that "`one wouldn't want to light a
match in a room full of people wearing this underwear.'"

[It's what puts the "therm" in them "thermals". --spaf]


Date: Mon, 29 Nov 93 14:41:16 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: unsub hell...
To: jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ron@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf

> From: Nick Collision <mathew@mantis.co.uk>
> Subject: Diarrhoea mailing list
> Date: 26 Nov 1993 16:07:05 -0000
> monsieur HAINEUX <bc@wetware.com> crit:
> >There exist some merrye pranksters that pitch a heinous vendetta on
> >people who send subscription messages to the main mailing list.
> Take, for example, the Clueless Users' Network Test System, a mailing
> list for people who can't work out how to unsubscribe to mailing
> lists.  They all sit there firing off little messages saying "UNSUB",
> pestering each other, until they eventually work out how to
> unsubscribe.
> Last sighted at clueless-request@mit.edu.

Sartre was only half-right.  Hell IS other people, but only those
people you run into while stuck on this mailing list.  I particularly
like the acronym...


Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1993 08:15:33 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: We know you care.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

The first draft proposal for standards relating to object-oriented
Cobol has now been written and will be passed to the X3J4 Technical
Committee, which develops Cobol standards, for review in the first week
of December. If accepted, it will go to the X3J4.1 sub-committee, which
focuses specifically on object-oriented Cobol, at their next meeting
in January - if not, in March. A working draft is scheduled to be sent
to national bodies worldwide on December 1 1994. These bodies will take
comments from any interested organisations and the review period will
last for five months. The same process will be repeated the following
year, and finally on October 1 1996, a draft international standard will
be sent to the national bodies. This final review should last six
months. The standard is scheduled for general release in early 1994,
and will definitely include a port for an international character set;
an exception handling facility; file share and record locking support;
and enhancements to call statements, so Cobol can interact  with C, C++
and other programming languages.


Date: Sat, 27 Nov 93 3:20:02 EST
From: lowry@watson.ibm.com (Andy Lowry)
Subject: What a guy!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

From my wife's coworker:

Rumor has it that John Bobbit actually wants to patch things up with
his wife.  When asked how he could possibly think of such a thing
after what she had done to him, he responded, "Hey, I have no hard


Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1993 20:28:07 GMT
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: Whether or not big brother is watching us...
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

   ... I have been empowered by the University of Notre Dame
(motto: "Blessed are the weak, that they may get national TV
coverage by playing us in football") to point out that if Mr.
Melvin Gladstone loses his account, it will not be because of
the actions of this fine University, since there are not, nor
have ever been, machines at the campus called "rottweiler" nor
"catbox."  Or a student named Melvin Gladstone.
   We also would like to point out that this may be the same
Melvin Gladstone who obtained net.access at the University of
Northern Indiana at Lydick despite (1) his not being a student
there, (2) there being no internet hookup for the University
of Northern Indiana, (3) there is no campus of the University
of Northern Indiana in Lydick, (4) there is no town in Indiana
named Lydick, and (5) there is no University of Northern Indiana.

   We now return you to your regularly-scheduled followups.


Date: Mon, 29 Nov 93 14:14:13 EST
From: ctw0%bucket@gte.com
Subject: Yucks submission: Hubble Space Telescope problems explained
To: spaf

>From sci.astro.hubble:

                            HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE
                               DAILY REPORT #1022

PERIOD COVERED:  0800 EST 11/23/93 - 0800 EST 11/24/93

Daily Status Report as of 328/1200Z.


   1.4 Completed PC 4714 (WF/PC Cycle 2 Calibration: PC Internal Delta

       The Faint Object Camera was used to make eight internal flat
       calibration images which will be used for the restoration of Earth
       flat images, which were altered due to changes in quantum efficiency
       which occurred after decontamination operations. The observations
       was received and displayed in the OSS. Of the eight images, six were
*****  reported to be okay. Two showed a dark steak, which may be more
       prominent than usual.

[No wonder the HST has been having problems!  Do you suppose the
shuttle crew will be having a cookout after the HST repairs?  How long
can a steak keep in vacuum, anyway?  -- CT]


End of Yucks Digest