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Yucks Digest V3 #32 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 24 Oct 93 Volume 3 : Issue 32
Today's Topics:
1 of 3
A Ham for Dinner?
Ain't it just like a politician ...
a meeting abstract you might find useful for the Yucks Digest
B'harne in GOP
Behind the scenes
But what newspaper do you run it in?
coffee
Contamination of Beavis & Butt-Head Creator
David Bowie would be proud...
don't they have anything _better_ to do...
Dying By The Rules
few line biography -- Jesus Christ
Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles (5 msgs)
help
life's little ironies
LSD long(ish)-term effects
movies
net.views .... the worm
Now, why don't they make it in an ale? ;)
parrot story
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
REQUEST: When is Sweetest Day?
Seen on a bumper sticker recently...
seen on a door in denver today
SOTD
the bard has nuts...
tree frogs and moths
Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities
White House NAFTA Jobs Day
Yucks
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 93 14:45:29 EDT
From: Franklin Davis <fad@Think.COM>
Subject: 1 of 3
To: silent-tristero
[forwards deleted]
Industry Fact: When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were
37 Elvis impersonators in the world.
Today there are 48,000.
If the current trend continues,
by the year 2010, one out of every three
people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator.
-Audio Village ad
Oct 1993 _MIX_ magazine
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:33:56 GMT
From: julian@bongo.tele.com (Sawney Beane)
Subject: A Ham for Dinner?
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
In article <FAUNT.93Oct13180314@netcom2.Netcom.COM> faunt@netcom2.Netcom.COM (Doug Faunt N6TQS 510-655-8604) writes:
>So what's wrong with cannibalism?
You usually eat your enemies. This in itself may not be
palatable.
An all meat diet may cause constipation.
There are no good recipes. You could adapt some pork barbeque
ones.
Think of the confusion cannibalism can cause. "Are we having
ham for dinner?" "No dear, it's a lawyer tonight - it may be a bit
tough."
There is no standard way to butcher a human for meat. This
raises several questions such as if you use the shins for Osso Buco,
can you use the arms too?
Western man tends to be extremely obese, this would make
canabilism a high fat diet. High fat diets are not recommended - so if
offered the choice between a sedentary radio amateur and Bambi, choose
Bambi.
Other than the above, I see nothing wrong with cannibalism.
Followups to rec.food.cooking?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 93 13:36 CDT
From: (null)
Subject: Ain't it just like a politician ...
To: spaf
>From last week's Time magazine:
Gore Report a Costly Affair
According to an internal memo from the Government Printing Office,
printing costs for Vice President Al Gore's report on saving money in
government were three times greater that those for most other federal
documents. Using glossy paper and three colors of ink, the booklet
cost $168,915, while printing it on uncoated paper in black and white
would have cost just $54,091.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 93 19:22:39 PDT
From: hoover@stronzo.llnl.gov (William G. Hoover)
Subject: a meeting abstract you might find useful for the Yucks Digest
To: spaf
>From the Fourth Biennial International Conference on
Massively-Parallel Processing (Institute for Advanced Studies, Palermo,
Italy, 1993).
Parallel-Processing Progress*, W. G. Hoover (LLNL/UCD), S. Bestiale
(IAS Palermo), N. E. Hoover (HAL), A. J. DeGroot (LLNL), & H. A. Posch
(Wien) Virtually-distributed object-oriented data-flow multicomputing,
with synchronously-pipelined superscalar SIMD threads and
remotely-cached garbage collection, all in a deterministic LISP world
featuring task-loaded minimal- cost fault-tolerant systolic subareas
with remote-host-optimized limited backtracking, provides
massively-parallel user-friendly guided-threshhold
partitioned-wavefront solutions of N-P-hard Grand-Challenge
applications in a simulated-annealing landscape, ideally-suited to
technology transfer. *Generously supported by NSF, IEEE, ARO, NRL,
ARPA, NIH, NASA, and DOE.
[And those groups simply funded the creation of the title! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1993 16:28:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: fritzz%megatek.UUCP@ucsd.edu (Friedrich Knauss)
Subject: B'harne in GOP
To: various
The theme song for the 1996 Repub convention:
I hate you
You hate me
We're a dysfunctional fam-i-lee
Against four more years of Clinton/Gore
Let's try a purple dinosaur.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 93 12:37:34 EDT
From: weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu (Matthew P Wiener)
Subject: Behind the scenes
To: eniac
Check out the Oct '93 SMITHSONIAN, for an inside look at the tabloids.
"Eddie [Clontz, editor of the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS]," I say,
"I can't help but notice that you have a rubber dog mask
on your desk."
"Yeah. I wear it from time to time, but this is my real
reporter-waker-upper," he says gleefully as he opens his
desk drawer and pulls out the biggest squirt gun I've
ever seen. He aims it at Susan Jimison, ... specialist
on Elvis sightings ....
She looks up and groans, "Oh, no! Not again!" but Jack
Alexander ... chivalrously holds up his word-processor
keyboard to block the shot.
>From the photograph, the "squirt gun" is a Tidal Force III, the size
of a smallish machine gun. Combine that with the education of the
staff (including Harvard, Penn) and salaries (no tabloid experience
reporters starting at >$50k), it seems like an interesting place to
work. Better than 2Dpeople!
They of course did not make up the story that revealed five senators
who were space aliens. As they called up aides to find out who was
and who was not a space alien, a few spilled the beans about their
bosses.
Their biggest story of the past year, in terms of reader response, was
the revelation that there are baby ghosts. A lot of people (1000?)
wanted to adopt one.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: jtk@s1.gov (Jordin Kare)
Subject: But what newspaper do you run it in?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following advertisement has been on the bulletin board
at a major defense research institution recently:
ENEMY WANTED
Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms
racing, third world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be
sufficiently menacing to convince Congress to fund us. Nuclear
capability preferred, near-nuclear considered. Earth, anywhere.
Send note and picture of tank battalions to General C. Powell,
The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 15:11:54 -0500
From: gb (Gerald Baumgartner)
Subject: coffee
To: young, spaf
>From somebody's .sig:
A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems.
(Paul Erd"os)
------------------------------
Date: 15 Oct 1993 18:57:16 GMT
From: dcbrogde@ucscb.UCSC.EDU (David C. "Davy Baby" Brogden)
Subject: Contamination of Beavis & Butt-Head Creator
Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,alt.tv.barney,alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die,alt.sex.beastiality.barney,alt.tv.beavis-n-butthead
In a recent issue of _Newsweek_ magazine (the one with B&BH and Dave Letterman
on the cover), I read something very unfortunate about the creator of Beavis &
Butt-Head, Mike Judge. It so happens that he keeps a stuffed B'Harne doll in
his office at MTV! Yes! Unfortunate but sadly true. Yes, I do know that
B'Harne has been beaten up by B&BH, but still. I think that the Jihad in New
York needs to get on this right away and get into that office and DESTROY
that source of evil. It might be the very tool that is causing MTV to try
and "soften up" B&BH into quasi-Purple puke. This is unacceptable!!! Stop
this NOW! If B'Harne can get to THIS, "Bob" only knows where he can also
get. . . he's already got Dave Letterman (sadly). B'HARNE MUST BE KILLED
BEFORE HE CONTAIMINATES ALL MEDIA EVERYWHERE.
--Dave, Grand Marshall, Santa Cruz Anti-B'Harne Task Force
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 93 09:54:24 CDT
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: David Bowie would be proud...
To: spaf
376 % finger coke@cs.cmu.edu
[cs.cmu.edu]
[ Forwarding coke as "coke@g.gp.cs.cmu.edu" ]
[G.GP.CS.CMU.EDU]
Login name: coke In real life: Drink Coke
Directory: /usrg1/coke Shell: /usr/cs/bin/csh
Last login Tue Oct 5 19:11 on ttyp1 from PTERO.SOAR.CS.CMU.EDU
No new mail, last read on Wed Jul 28 1993
Plan:
Tue Oct 5 20:10:53 EDT 1993
Something is wrong! My hardware is failing to communicate reliably,
and my sig.@@@.@..44 breaking up. Can you ~~!` me Major Tom?
I apologize for the (I hope) temporary inconvenience, and hope you
will ^&# $)#!#$)
The CMU CS Department Coke Machine
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 93 10:26:26 CDT
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: don't they have anything _better_ to do...
To: spaf
Just heard on KSTX, the local NPR mouthpiece, under the "Texas News"
category.
Two guys went to a beer bash in Universal City, a suburb of San
Antonio with a police force of, uhm, shall we say, less then
sterling reputation. These two guys got completely drunk and
passed out. They awoke to find their eyebrows and hair completely
shaved off. Still groggy from his inebriate exploits, one of them
looked in the mirror and concluded that he had metamorphized into
a Klingon through excessive beer consumption. That's the funny part.
Now, here's the bizarre part. Somehow or other, the UCPD became
involved. (Perhaps our intrepid Klingons went to Dunkin' Donuts
to soothe their hangovers and curse Captain Kirk?) They actually
spent time and effort tracking down the two merry pranksters who
had done the Gillette job on our Klingon friends. The two will
now appear in court on charges of _assault_ facing a maximum fine
of $500.
Just as a historical note, for context, San Antonio is where
Congressman Henry "let's make a big deal out of Iraqgate" Gonzales
broke someone's nose in a restaurant after a dispute involving
whether or not somebody was ugly. Our man Henry was not charged in
the incident.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 93 22:01:02 CDT
From: mbraun@hydra.urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: Dying By The Rules
To: spaf
Oklahoma, N.Y. Vying For Inmante Sentenced To Die
OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- Oklahoma is waging what it hopes will be a fight to
the death for Thomas Grasso.
Grasso, 30, was conficted of murders both in Oklahoma and New York,
which does not have capital punishment. But on Monday, New York Gov.
Mario Cuomo said the inmate must serve out his 20 years-to-life sentence
before being executed by injection in Oklahoma.
Cuomo opposes capital punishment but told Oklahoma Gov. David Walters
in a letter Monday that wasn't a factor. Instead, he said an interstate
compact requires Grasso to serve New York's sentence first. Oklahoma
Attorney General Susan Loving said the will appeal or ask for a
clarification of the U.S. District Judge Frank Seay's ruling last week
that New York has a say over Grasso, who is in Oklahoma awaiting
execution.
"Sure, everybody wants their justice first, but in a case like this, i
think that sounds a little silly," Loving said. New York last year
convicted Grasso of killing an elderly man, then sent him to Oklahoma,
where he was sentenced to die for strangling an elderly Tulsa woman on
Christmas Eve 1990.
"I have no moral problem with his wanting to die," said Thomas
Coughlin, New York corrections commisisioner. "But...he's got to die
according to the rules."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Oct 93 15:07:37 GMT
From: tnweston@nyx.cs.du.edu (Tom Weston)
Subject: few line biography -- Jesus Christ
So Pop sez, 'go down below and get the proles to, like, *believe* again, but
no heavy shit, ya' know thunder and damnation and stuff, jus' "peace and luv"'
So I go down, man, and there's all these reel heavy *roman* dudes around and
before I'd gotten started on the peace 'n' love shit them mean bastards had
gotten me nailed to a goddam post. Some people are so fucken' *ungrateful*.
So like I sez, if Pop wants any of this shit doin' again he can send the
fucken' 'ghost. Them nails hurt reel bad, man.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 93 14:12:49 PDT
From: obrien@aero.org
Subject: Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles
To: eniac
The "Mailing List of People Who Write About the Rest Of Us
Writing To and ABout Each Other" (aka 'netscribes') has noted the
glut of Internet User Guides now hitting the racks (many of them written
by members of that self-same list but never mind about that). The notion
of a guide to writing user guides was a natural follow-on, hence this
list of titles.
----- Begin Included Message -----
>Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1993 09:03:01 -0400
From: ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Dern)
To: netscribes@tic.com
Subject: Possible user guide guide titles
The Hitchhiker's Guide to Internet User Guides
The Whole Internet User's Guide User Guide
The Internet Companion Chaperon
Internet: Getting Coffee
Zen and the Art of Picking an Internet User Guide
There's Gold in Them Thar User Guides!
Too many *#!@?$#%!! Internet User Guides!
The User's Directory of Internet User Guides
Internet Users Under Attack: User Guides, Resource Guides and Whatnot
Sunday the authors slept late
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 93 20:11:04 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles
To: eniac
Principles of Internet User Guides
Internet Guides for Beginners (with cartoons!)
The Best of the Internet User Guides #42
A Treasury of America's Best-Loved Internet Guides
A Traveller's Guide to the Internet Guide Shelves at your Bookstore
A Handbook of Domestic Internet Guides
Favorite Internet Guides from Around the World
Internet Guide Writing: Tutorial and Cookbook
Critical Mass: The Compleat Internet Guide Bibliography
Why Internet Guides are Bad for You
The Lost Guides of the Internet
Confessions of an Internet Guide Reader
Old Possum's Book of Practical Internet Guides
How much for just the Pocket Guide?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:35:27 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles
>Internet User Guides Considered Harmful
Listening to Internet
Listening to Usenet
Listening to IRC
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:55:08 -0500 (CDT)
From: Elissa Keeler <EKeeler@UH.EDU>
Subject: Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles
To: eniac
Don't forget these from other sections of the bookstore...
Smart People, Foolish Internet Guide Choices
Backlash: The War Against Internet Guides
Everything I Know About the Internet, I Learned in Kindergarten
and, Why Do I Think I'm Nothing Without an Internet Guide?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:27:51 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: Forwarding: Possible user guide guide titles
And the ever favorite...Steal This Internet!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 93 19:18:48 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: help
To: eniac
My sister is having a fit, because to celebrate women at <a major
company in the semi-conductor industry>,
they're compiling a cookbook...so I sent her this suggestion to submit.
Any others?
------- Forwarded Message
To: Diana L Chabot
Subject: Re: yucks
When Debbie, Mrn and I started a Junior Girl Scout troop, the guys
at APO teased us about what we'd teach them--crocheting
IC's? haha, they taunted.
Make up some silly entree, like 486 en brochette, or grilled
memory chips...hmm, translating the process I remember into
a recipe
IC FLAMBE (Traditional, MIT LCS RTS)
Ingredients:
2 paper clips
1 chip
solder to taste
Instructions:
Straighten each paper clip. Attach one straightened clip
to each side of the chip by soldering it to each pin on
a side--one clip per side of the chip. Leave 1/2 inch
on the same end of the chip. Insert long ends of clips
into wall socket. BZZZZT! Voila!
--------------
-------------------\ | |
| | | | \ | -------- |
-+-+-+-+- ----------> | / \ |
| chip | | | [] [] | | 112v AC
-+-+-+-+- ----------> | \ / |
| | | | / | -------- |
-------------------/ | -------- |
| / \ |
| | [] [] | |
| \ / |
| -------- |
| |
--------------
------- End of Forwarded Message
Don't try this at home--We're Professionals
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 93 12:47:52 -0400
From: dm@hri.com (Dave Mankins)
Subject: life's little ironies
To: silent-tristero@world.std.com
The Software Engineering Institute announces that they can't
engineer a reliable mailer.
In article <CF3yBK.623@cs.vu.nl>, Barbara White <bjw@sei.cmu.edu> writes:
> Mail from our site (sei.cmu.edu) to other sites occasionally
> bounces. In the future, when sending mail to
> info-manage@sei.cmu.edu, be certain to do the following:
>
>
> 1. Provide an alternate electronic mail address
> (if one exists), a phone number, and a
> physical mail address where you might be
> reached in the event that mail from the SEI
> is rejected by your site (or any site along the way).
>
> 2. Phone me if you have not received an acknowledgement
> or a reply from info-manage (or me) within five
> business days. Either of the following numbers are fine:
>
> +1 XXX XXX-XXXX (during the hours of 8:00-16:00 EDT)
> (Leave a voice mail message after 4 or 5 rings.)
>
> +1 XXX XXX-XXXX (during the hours of 17:00-22:00 EDT)
> (This is my home phone number, so be careful about
> the hours during which you call.)
>
> The same is true for unanswered electronic mail that is sent
> to customer-relations@sei.cmu.edu .
------------------------------
Date: 20 Oct 1993 19:04:30 GMT
From: haynes@cats.ucsc.edu (James H. Haynes)
Subject: LSD long(ish)-term effects
Newsgroups: alt.drugs,sci.med
Well, I see by the papers that Timothy Leary says he's "high on senility"
now.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:38:29 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: movies
To: eniac
Ok, here's my movie review entry:
Amityville 1992 - To Whom it May Concern: There are no palm trees on
Long Island, NY, none, really. Thank you for your attention.
------------------------------
Date: 14 Oct 1993 10:04:32 GMT
From: alecm@uk-usenet.uk.sun.com (Alec Muffett)
Subject: net.views .... the worm
Newsgroups: alt.security,comp.security.misc,comp.security.unix
In article 14013@ost.com, wagner@ost.com (Mitch Wagner) writes:
> It's been almost five years since the Robert Morris
> worm attack hit the Internet. What do you remember
> about the attack? Were you effected by it? And most
> importantly, how has it changed your professional
> life?
>We're asking this question to collect opinions for the "net.views" column in
>OPEN SYSTEMS TODAY. Please E-mail your responses to wagner@ost.com
>By responding to that address, you'll be granting permission to OST to publish
>your response.
>In order to use your response, we'd like to know who you are....
Ee'h bah gum...
I remember't days when t'greet wurm ran rampant wround t'internet...
Bloody greet monster, t'were; yuge fangs that were dripping wi' saliva,
drooling in't power supply o'er fileserver, blooing fuzes left rite
n'centre on't VAX... we were down fower WEEK sond end, 'n we'ad
t'scrape greet pools of yellah gunge off't floor - t'were melted casing
off't thick ethernet cable...
...an ye tell that t'kids of today, and they woon't believe you...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 93 12:22:39 EDT
From: "decc::carlson"@tle.enet.dec.com
Subject: Now, why don't they make it in an ale? ;)
[ Forwarded from the homebrew digest ]
One of the largest breweries is beginning production of a special beer
which would help against radioactive contamination, press reports said Friday.
The beer, called Lulin Special Light Laer, is supposed to help people
cleanse themselves from radioactive stroncium-85 particles, which enter
the body through the air and various foods, and are deposited in the
bones, reports the daily 24 Chasa.
Sofia newspapers carried pictures of members of the Defense Ministry's
Civil Defense Department drinking the Pilsen type beer Thursday.
Lt. Colonel Valentin Angelov, scientific secretary of the ministry's
Scientific Development Council, told United Press International that
work on the project had begun two years ago.
``After the Chernobyl incident, we began intensive work on foodstuffs
and beverages which could help the human body fight radioactive
contamination,'' said Angelov. On April 26, 1986, the nuclear power
plant in Chernobyl, 80 miles (128 km) north of Kiev, Ukraine, was damaged.
Radioactive contamination spread across eastern and northern Europe.
Angelov said that the special effect of the beer was due to an
ingredient called Kanta-tonic, which contained some 40 Bulgarian herbs
and was developed jointly by the country's Academy of Sciences and the
Central Laboratory on Radiobiology and Toxicology at the Military
Medical Academy.
``All our experiments have shown that the lager greatly promotes the
decomposition of stroncium-85,'' said Angelov.
According to the managing director of the Lulin brewery, Ivan Mihov,
it is for the first time in the world that such a beverage was being
produced. He said great interest had already been shown towards the beer
from abroad, notably from the the United States and Japan.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1993 08:53:55 -0700
From: rdurant@wv.MENTORG.COM (Rich Durant)
Subject: parrot story
To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
I got this joke from the "Dead Runner's Society" list server.
Unfortunately I deleted the name of the person who submitted it.
==========
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK, fork you." and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of Unix, although they
should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an
achievement.
- MIT Artificial Intelligence Lab job ad in Commucations of the ACM,
June 1992, p. 160
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"It might be argued that since the primary complaint against pornography
is the trivialization of women as sex objects, then landscape
photography cannot be pornographic because landforms _are_ objects and
the content of these images is not sexual. What this argument truly
reveals, however, is the depth of our cultural sickness."
- Jose Knighton offers his, ah, unique, view of the links between
pornography and landscape photography, in the Spring 1993 issue of
Wild Earth.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 23 Oct 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
The Maharishi Veda Land Theme Park - "The Pride of Canada"- will
bring enlightenment to visitors as they experience higher states
of consciousness. Each of the park's attractions will expand
visitors' appreciation of their own infinite potential. They
will experience reality and illusion, immortality and change,
unity in diversity, infinity within a point, and the universe
within the self.
There will be thirty-three original rides and shows, including:
Magic Flying Chariot Ride - Take a ride deep inside the
molecular structure of a rose.
Corridor of Time - Fly down through history from the beginning
of creation to the end of the universe.
Courtyard of Illusion - See the world's only levitating
building, which floats fifteen feet above water, and discover
that there is more to reality than your senses can perceive.
Veda Vision - Experience a spectacular vision of the totality of
life as images appear in midair.
Seven Steps to Enlightenment - Feel enlightened as you visit
seven wondrous pavilions radiating out like the spokes of a
wheel. Your path has been carefully designed to lead you, in an
entertaining way, step-by-step to enlightenment.
The park's attractions will answer those eternal questions in the
minds of men: "What is my connection to the infinitely expanding
universe? Where is the stream of life flowing as we spiral down
the corridor of time? Who am I?"
- from the promotional literature for a theme park being built
by the Transcendental Meditation movement in Niagara Falls,
Ontario. The park was designed by magician Doug Henning.
Henning and other TM members are running in the Canadian
federal election, under the Natural Law Party. The have also
run in provincial elections and in the last British election.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 18:30:50 GMT
From: wbt@cbnews.cb.att.com (william.b.thacker)
Subject: REQUEST: When is Sweetest Day?
Newsgroups: oh.general
In article <29f7qtINN56o@kazoo.cis.ohio-state.edu> klein@cis.ohio-state.edu (timothy m klein) writes:
>
>OK, I'll bite. What is Sweetest Day?
No, you're all misunderstanding when you hear people talk about this. It's
not "Sweetest Day," it's "Swedish Day."
It's an old Ohio tradition, celebrating the discovery of our fair state in
1847 by Sven Olafsson, the great Swedish explorer. (Obviously, our state
had already been discovered by that time, but not by the Swedes.) They
brought with them a wonderful culture that enriched Ohio greatly. For
instance, on his first voyage here Sven introduced the meatball. On his
second trip, he brought along lutfisk (pardon my Swedish), and his third
visit (made despite a court restraining order) added the phrase "ja, vell"
to Ohio's dialect.
(This last important contribution is commemorated to this day in "Carmen
Ohio," OSU's alma mater. "While our hearts rebounding thrill/with joy that
makes us say, "ja, vell!"")
Of course, Swedish Day has been horribly commercialized. The stores would
have you sending out hundreds of cards and exchanging gifts (toboggans and
hairpieces are considered traditional). The real tourist-traps will be
serving beer with meatball-shaped ice cubes and handing out silly buttons
that say, "Kiss Me, I'm Swedish, Ja?"
But if you want to do like the natives do, you should observe a more
quiet, reverent holiday. Stay at home with your family, throw a herring on
the fire, and lip-sync your favorite Ingrid Bergman film.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 22:10:55 -0400
From: Kathy Godwin <clouds@eff.org>
Subject: Seen on a bumper sticker recently...
To: eniac
"Why can't I be rich instead of well-hung?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 93 23:43:23 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: seen on a door in denver today
To: spaf
Caution, manual automatic door.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 17:22:22 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: SOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
When I became a math major, I stopped having to add, because I
understood how adding is done. When I learned computers, I stopped
having to remember, because I understood how remembering is done.
-- Dale Worley
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 93 08:32:32 CDT
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: the bard has nuts...
To: jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ralf@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ron@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf
Found on a list that shall remain anonymous to protect the guilty...
> From: William Shakespeare <shakes@globe.com>
> Subject: Oft-times
>
> --------
>
> Dear Sirs,
>
> Oft-times thou feelest like unto a nut,
> And yet, M'lord, anon, feel'st thou not so.
> Yon Almond Joy these selfsame nuts doth have,
> Whereas contrary Mounds doth have them not.
>
> -- William Shakespeare
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 09:18:54 +1000
From: bruce@coral.cs.jcu.edu.au (Bruce Litow)
Subject: tree frogs and moths
To: eniac
The emergence of species after winter's rest is spectacular in
far north queensland. About a month ago, tree frogs were everywhere.
Now they are in the trees where they belong. At night they make heaps
of noise but remain invisible. Now it's THE MOTHS. The ground is
carpeted with them and this morning an ATM was literally encrusted
with moths. It was out of service because moths had stuffed up the
receipt dispenser. I can't wait to see how many millions of mozzies
turn up. Interestingly the roaches, while tropically big and fully
capable of flight, are rather reserved creatures more at home
outside. And I intend to keep it that way. They live underground
in winter.
Townsville, being in the `dry tropics' is not quite so florid as
the rain forest region just up the coast. Good.
[I think I may leave Queensland off my list of places to visit... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 16 Oct 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: md@marvin.hq.ileaf.com (Mark Dionne x5551)
Subject: Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities
by A. Kohn and F Fish
Orgenics, Yavne, Israel
In the July 6, 1992, issue of Time International we are informed
that the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 100 million acts
of human sexual intercourse occur each day but that only 910,000 of
them result in conception. The rest are simply wasted. Thus more
than 99 million acts of intercourse are squandered and have no
practical results except momentary pleasure for the participants.
If one takes into account the volume of the lost sperm, assuming at
least 5 mL per act of intercourse, we may calculate that about
5 x 10E-3 x 99 x 10E6 or 500 cubic meters of fertil fluid are wasted
per day. This brings the number to 15,000 cubic meters per month!
Assuming that the need for irrigation of an acre or agricultural land
in arid areas is about 40 cubic meters per acre per month, we find
that the available volume of sperm would be sufficient to irrigate,
as wall as fertilize, about 350 acres of land.
In addition, the squandered acts of intercourse require energy that
may be calculated to be equivalent to about 300 kcal per act of
intercourse. Thus the redundant energy--if properly harnessed--
would be sufficient to operate a power station and to supply
1500 mW/day, enough for a city the size of New York.
These energy calculations can be made more accessible to the
layperson. Let us say that the starter motor in your car has a
power requirement of 500W. Thus the energy wasted on nonproductive
acts of intercourse would be sufficient to start three million
cars. If you cannot start your car on a cold morning in winter,
think of your neighbors having wasted all that energy the night
before, enjoying themselves with their partners.
[I could make lots of smart-ass comments, but I am temporarily awed by
the power of statistics. --spaf]
Copyright 1993 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
Reproduced with permission from The Journal Of Irreproducible
Results. US subscriptions are $21. Contact Blackwell Scientific
Publications at 1-800-759-6102. Contributions of articles are
also welcome: contact J.I.R. at POB 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 18:52:38 GMT
From: markw@VFL.Paramax.COM (Mark H. Weber)
Subject: White House NAFTA Jobs Day
Newsgroups: alt.internet.talk-radio
Org: Internet Multicasting Service
Channel: Internet Town Hall
Subject: White House NAFTA Jobs Day
We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration
we were planning, though slightly changed in execution from
our original goals, made a form of technical history. Though
our project proposal was approved for Internet connectivity,
some slight logistical misunderstandings resulted in a
decision by White House staff that no power would be available
to any of the vendors, making operation of our computers a real
challenge.
We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work
both with and without power in our facilities and at other
remote sites. The system worked beautifully but, due to the
no-power requirement, during our actual installation we reverted
to Plan B and installed the world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to
do everything you would expect out of a computer with the power
switched off. At this level of functionality, we successfully
demonstrated interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems,
Persoft, Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms
in the computer and communications industries.
We offered to print out the mail both pro and con that we received
or to deliver a floppy disk, but were unable to implement this
action item. Again, staff had some serious logistical issues to
worry about and the White House is a very busy place these days,
so they requested that we hold onto the mail received.
Thanks to all of you who wrote in and we hope to be able to continue
this trend of technical innovation with our corporate and government
partners.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 93 14:03:42 -0500
From: avonruff@hydra.urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: Yucks
To: spaf
Recently found in comp.sys.powerpc, a newsgroup which
discusses systems built around the MPC601:
From: t9014201@pitvax.xx.rmit.edu.au
Subject: Re: Prayer
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 93 23:39:11 GMT
>> |> Lord, guide us in choosing what is best today.
>>Thank you for those who pray for us. We praise you for the Bible,
>>the guide for our lives.
>> |> InChrist's name, Amen.
>> What the hell is this crap?!?!?!?!?
> "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are
> perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
> 1 Corintithians 1:19
>> Why is this in the PowerPC newsgroup?
I think he is praying so that God will guide you all when you are
choosing between Pentium and Power PC.
The second prayer says that God has abandoned those who will perish
because they are using old technology, but they can be saved if they
adopt the Power (PC) of God.
or something like that...
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------