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Yucks Digest V3 #30 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 29 Sep 93 Volume 3 : Issue 30
Today's Topics:
"I think my face is on fire."
Airplanes as operating systems (humor)
ANIMALS AND MUSIC
A prayer ...
Button
By Your Command
Driving notes
From our collection of posts that really ought to be looked into...
from silent-tristero
FTP (2 msgs)
Hot chips, hotter systems!
how many angels can dance on the head of a pin...
I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you.
I heard emacs was user-friendly, but this is reeeeediculous!
Measles scare
mtv -- problems solved!
Oz, its government
Paleolithic computing
Pascal to C
Purple evil
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
software testing...
Software Testing Protest
Things that make you go "hmm"
things you shouldn't do at school...
today in motorola history!
to sort, or to sortate, that is the question ...
weirdness
What do you do when they refuse to arrest you?
WorldCon
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 93 18:51:39 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: "I think my face is on fire."
To: various
One of my spies on the net reports:
>
> ... I thought you might like to know what Abraham Lincoln would've
> said if he'd been writing his notes on a Newton instead of paper.
>
> "Bookstore avis screen deans ago, our fort fathers brownies
> front it on fits continent a new nation, concerned in in berry
> and bridge area to fire proposition that air me fire created
> erasers...."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Sep 93 22:04:27 CDT
From: Robert Dorsett <rdd@cactus.org>
Subject: Airplanes as operating systems (humor)
Forwarded to me by a friend:
Future planes run by various operating systems:
DOS: everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast
till it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push.
MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc.,
look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you
ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know,
don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without
knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different
times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill
out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to
be--whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner,
a passenger train, or a bus. If you are successful in getting on
board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable
trip... except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck,
in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your
personal things in order before you crash.
Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses,
easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM!
you blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then
they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying.
Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to
the airport. Then they go out on the runway and piece it together,
all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 93 13:59:35 PDT
From: unknown
Subject: ANIMALS AND MUSIC
To: eniac
I thought I'd send you some of the funnier excerpts from the
"wild things" column today.
CHICKENS PREFER CLASSICAL MUSIC: Chickens apparently rank second in
farm-animal intelligence, as evidenced by their favorite composer, who
is Vivaldi. This was discovered by a farmer who noticed that chickens
were clucking happily in the henhouse when he played a classical-music
tape. In Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons," chickens much preferred the
"Spring" movement to "Winter."
-- are you doing what I'm doing now? "Buck-buck-buck-buck-ba-buckbuck!
Buck-buck-buck-buck-ba-buckbuck! Buck buck buck buckk...."
And this entry as well:
ELVIS TOPS COW CHARTS: One herd studied by scientists produced more
milk while listening to the King. This was supported by another study,
which showed that cows generally prefer rock'n'roll to other music.
"Imagine being a classical-music cow in a rock herd," Adcock [spokeperson
for the Humane Society quoted earlier in the article] says. "It would
be horrible."
Funny, I feel that way in department stores, yogurt shops and elevators....
------------------------------
Date: 25 Sep 93 13:45:02 EDT
From: Mark Gibbs (mgibbs@rain.org)
Subject: A prayer ...
The Internet Prayer
Our connection, which art on the Internet
Hallow'ed be thy address
On the net as it is from the DNS.
Give us this day our daily e-mail
And forgive us our system crashes
As we forgive those links that drop against us.
Lead us not into excessive access bills
And deliver us from accounting errors
For thine is the communication
The CPU power and the response
Forever and ever, TCP/IP.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 18:44:51 -0500 (CDT)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Button
To: spaf (spaf)
Usenet is a way of being annoyed by people you otherwise never would
have met.
------------------------------
From: trudel@aramis.rutgers.edu (Jonathan)
Subject: By Your Command
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.arts.sf.misc
There is something that I just realized last night. It's something
that really borders on the weird and unusual. Consider this:
When Jimmy Carter was president, Isreal and Egypt signed a peace treaty.
Now, Isreal and the PLO have signed a new treaty recognizing each other.
Granted, these two historical events both involve Isreal, but there's
something even more frightening than that.
Battlestar Galactica. Yes. That ragtag fleet of ships, running from
the tyranny of the Cylon Empire.
Stuffanonsense, you say? Consider this - Each time the show appears
on TV in a new environment, These new treaties have been announced and
signed. Those of you old enough to remember when BG first appeared on
ABC all those years ago remember being filled with anger when the
premiere episode was interrupted when Jimmy, Anwar and Menachem signed
the accord on national television. Interrupted BG just before the
climax.
This time, BG started a run on the SciFi Channel on Friday. We can
learn from this, or be afraid. Be Very Afraid.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 93 12:14:00 GMT
From: Frank Wales <frank@arcglade.demon.co.uk>
Subject: Driving notes
To: eniac
Some quotes taken from the news pages of the 'BBC Top Gear'
magazine:
+ one New Mexico bank has a parking bay marked 'armed robbery
only' after a recent hold-up when police couldn't find a place
to park until the robbers had fled
+ ambulance men in Melbourne, Australia have been sacked after
advertising 'the world's fastest pizza delivery' on their vehicles
+ Magnus Lagergreen of Stockholm has changed his car number plate to
UNMARRIED in a bid to find himself a wife
+ American traffic cop Bob Croke issued 5000 speeding tickets in
Pennsylvania last year, worth 378000 pounds
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1993 23:26:40 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: From our collection of posts that really ought to be looked into...
To: eniac
Anyone know what he is referring to or whether or not the rest of us
should be concerned?
-b
Newsgroups: alt.technology.misc
From: gevingca@cda.mrs.umn.edu (Corey A. Geving )
Subject: P-module Experiment Progressing, Need Equipment
Organization: University of Minnesota - Morris
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1993 18:15:13 GMT
Hello folks! I know not many people are on this group right now but
for those of you who know what I'm trying to do: help me. I have the
best of the best when it comes to Wolfian Induction Reactions in Argon,
that's right, I have one of Dr. Hagen's p-modules. How I got it is a
really long story but the fact is it's here and I think I can get it
to work but I need a really large set of nickel-cadmium anodes which can
be spliced directly onto a standard GROUNDED cable. If anyone out there
can get me some I'll agree to let you in on the p-module experiments.
Since nobody has really done anything with a p-module except in stupid
inert gasses or liquids, there could be something worth looking into
here. Thanks in advance for any help with the anodes.
Also I would like some input on the p-module itself and how to use it.
I've got a standard support system set up on a metal framework (grounded
of course). When I do the first test I'll be inside. I want to direct
the effects out the window but the framework won't fit out unless I
remove the levelling device and twist the short arm inward across the
reaction chamber. The problem is that the p-module itself has to be
removed in order to twist the short arm, and then I won't be able to
put it back in because the whole thing will be hanging out the window.
Any advice? It's standard in every way except I'm using a reinforced
chamber (alot like the old SX6's used by Walker and Ortell at UMiss)
which is better for the Argon-based catalyst. Also, I have four
regulator probes on it instead of three, but that shouldn't make much
difference. Thanks.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 93 19:05:40 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: from silent-tristero
To: spaf
Date: 23 Sep 1993 12:50:22 -0800
From: "Will Kreth" <will@wired.com>
Subject: Smells Like Teen Disney
To: "Thurn und Taxis" <silent-tristero@world.std.com>
Subject: Smells Like Teen Disney
In addition to the few good CD's we see, we get a lot of absolutely
pathetic music from record labels for review in Wired each issue. If
the "Barney's Favorites - Vol. 1" CD wasn't enough (it _would_ make a
good tongue-in-cheek review, tho) we just recently received a flyer
and cassette for this. With "New Kids on the Block" but a memory on
the pop landscape - I guess nature still abhors a vacuum.
=============================
MMC
MMC's GOT THE FLAVA
The MMC Album Features a Kickin' Mix of R&B, Funk, Hip-Hop, and
MMC's Own Smooth Harmonious Grooves.
Featuring 12 original songs geared toward the mainstream music
market, MMC has all the power of the The Walt Disney Company
behind it:
*The most concentrated album push from any television show _ever_!
*The biggest cable channel promotional push behind any album,
_ever_!
*A single radio promotional campaign equal to Aladdin's
"A Whole New World"
*A national concert tour
*A "Rock-the-Vote" tie-in that will knock your socks off!
Expanding on their already established television careers, MMC stars
Rhona Bennett, Nita Booth, JC Chasez, Dale Godboldo, Tony Lucca,
Ricky Luna, Jennifer McGill, and Matt Morris. Backup singers are Josh
Ackerman, Lindsey Alley, Ilana Miller, Keri Russell and Marc Worden.
SONG LINEUP
Flava*Real Talk*I Want Your Love*Cool Love*Goodbye*
Give Me Back My Groove*Step To the Rhythm*
I Saw Her First*Time*Hangin' On for Dear Life*
Merry Go Round*Let's Get Together
SHIP DATE: AUGUST 31, 1993
Call your Walt Disney Records sales representative for more details
======================================
MMC, MMC, MMC, hmmmm....could it be? Nah! This isn't the new
MICKEY MOUSE CLUB, is it?
Like a Benetton ad from the heart of Anaheim, the pan-ethnic, fresh-
scrubbed young faces of MMC will be in your face for some time to
come. You've been warned.
What would Darla and Cubby think? At least Cubby could
actually play the drums.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Sep 1993 16:14:38 GMT
From: stanley@skyking.oce.orst.edu (John Stanley)
Subject: FTP
Newsgroups: comp.security.misc
In article <748600303.AA02302@blkcat.UUCP>,
Skip Morgridge <Skip.Morgridge@f549.n109.z1.fidonet.org> wrote:
>
> I've seen the term 'ftp' used repeatedly and often here. Can someone
>enlighten me on what that term means?
FTP is a data transfer method. It stands for "fourier transform
protocol". Data are passed throuhg a fourier transform ("cosine
transform") and only the significant coefficients are transmitted to
the other end. The receiver then does the inverse transform based on
these coefficients to recreate the original data.
This protocol has been adopted as a file compression standard, as well,
known as JPEG ("Japanese Protocol Extended mode G").
------------------------------
Date: 21 Sep 1993 18:07:32 GMT
From: barr@pop.psu.edu (David Barr)
Subject: FTP
Newsgroups: comp.security.misc
In article <27n99e$79r@gaia.ucs.orst.edu>,
John Stanley <stanley@skyking.oce.orst.edu> wrote:
>In article <748600303.AA02302@blkcat.UUCP>,
>Skip Morgridge <Skip.Morgridge@f549.n109.z1.fidonet.org> wrote:
>>
>> I've seen the term 'ftp' used repeatedly and often here. Can someone
>>enlighten me on what that term means?
>
>FTP is a data transfer method. It stands for "fourier transform
>protocol".
No no no, FTP is fast typing protocol. To transfer a file, you tell
the computer how to type it to the other computer really-really-fast.
Then the other end takes the typed characters and mushes them all
together and makes a file.
>This protocol has been adopted as a file compression standard, as well,
>known as JPEG ("Japanese Protocol Extended mode G").
Those "on the inside" know that JPEG really means "Just Post Every Gif".
The image compression is just a red-herring to justify the bandwith.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1993 10:23:26 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hot chips, hotter systems!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Apparently the Mac SEs don't handle 240 VAC very well...
>From the home office in Cambridge, England:
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 93 11:28:00 BST
From: tjfs@tadtec.co.uk (Tim Steele)
To: ttp@tadtec.co.uk
Subject: Macintosh Users Please Read
Last week we had another Mac SE catch fire. We were lucky that it
was during the day and could be switched off quickly.
As a general principle, if you can switch your equipment off at night
you should do so. Unix systems are a bother to shut down, and are
normally designed to run 24 hours, so it's OK to leave them on.
Mac SE (and SE/30) users should consider this mandatory, as they have
a known propensity to catch fire.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 93 08:36:08 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: how many angels can dance on the head of a pin...
To: armand@cypress.west.sun.com, gordon@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ron@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf
I wonder if the algorithm used to determine this is more complex than
those used for memory paging, or if it's just "I'm a Baptist and the
rest of y'all're goin' to e-ter-nal dam-na-tion!"
> From: Eric Haines <erich@eye.com>
> Subject: Going to hell: Baptists keep count
>
> Going to hell: Baptists keep count (from the Ithaca Journal, 9/18/93, p. 1):
>
> BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) - God only knows who gets to heaven, but the Southern
> Baptists estimate 46.1 percent of people in Alabama risk going to hell.
>
> Since the figure from church research on potentially doomed souls was made
> public, it is Baptists who are feeling the fire, however.
>
> The Southern Baptist Convention's county-by-county breakdown of who's bound for
> heaven and who isn't - unless they are born again and accept Jesus Christ as
> their savior - hit The Birmingham News on Sept. 5. It's been the buzz in some
> Alabama pews ever since.
>
> Under the headline: "Baptists count the lost," the front page story included a
> detailed map and box listing the 1.86 million "unsaved" by county in precise
> percentages.
>
> The Baptists said the numbers were only a guide on where to establish new
> churches and find more followers.
>
> But some of the faithful, Baptists as well as others, are incensed.
>
> "It is the pinnacle of presumptuousness to construct a formula for quantifying
> the unsaved," Jack Denver of Homewood, a self-described "practicing Christian"
> wrote in a letter that was among about a dozen the newspaper published from
> irate readers.
>
> The Southern Baptists have done such demographic research for years, said
> Martin King, a spokesman for the denomination's Atlanta-based Home Mission
> Board, which compiled the study and has national figures he would not
> disclose.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 93 00:59:11 -0700
From: strick -- henry strickland <strick@versant.com>
Subject: I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you.
To: eniac
A lot of my (bisexual) friends have gotten a kick out of this.
My friend comet@oracle bears this in his/her .sig. strick
------- Forwarded Message
The Ultimate Bisexual .sig (from back cover of "Anything That Moves" 1993 v5)
Double your pleasure, double your fun.
It's not my fault that you can only think in one direction.
Who says I can't?
I love men as much as I hate patriarchy.
100% Bisexual, 100% Queer.
How long can I stay in this phase?
Everybody thinks I'm a lesbian.
Kinsey 2.1 and open to suggestions.
You CAN have it both ways.
Follow your nature.
I *am* out, thank you.
Political lesbianism -- not my idea of a good time on Saturday night.
Complexity is the spice of life.
AC/DC
Yes, I like girls.
He's the femme.
Well, I don't think you exist, either.
McKinnon does it.
Beware: Non-monogamous bisexual approaching!
I thrive on confusion.
No fats, femmes, butches or bi's--I want her thin and boring.
I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you.
Ky-ky.
If it feels good, you must have false consciousness.
Bisexual by luck, queer by choice.
If I wanted a man, I'd have one.
It's not my fault that you can't pick a girlfriend.
Dworkin's wrong--trust me.
Cross boundaries.
Kinsey had a limited imagination.
Switch-hitter.
I like boys, too.
What makes you so sure you're straight?
I respect dyke-only space.
REAL feminists claim their own desire.
I'm not confused--you are.
Get with the 90's.
If you think my room is a mess, wait 'til you see my sex life.
I was a lesbian once too.
Did I ask your opinion?
I prefer anarchists, actually.
No, you can't watch.
Commitment is my middle name.
I'm not a lesbian, but my boyfriend's a nonoperative transsexual.
Don't tell me how to fuck.
PC sex is an oxymoron.
It's my revolution, and I intend to enjoy myself.
Equal opportunity lover.
I date men OR women, not both at the same time.
We don't like you either.
Hasbian, shmasbian.
And what's wrong with a little promiscuity?
Have your cake and eat it too.
I just do this to seduce gay men.
Schlaffley's a woman and it doesn't seem to help.
I made up my mind a long time ago.
Get curious.
Kinsey 3.5 and counting.
I like people.
Ask me if I care.
If you poke me, I don't make spores.
You can have it all.
A woman who can leave you for a man could also leave you for a woman.
Mmmm... This fence feels good.
Don't tell me you've never thought about it.
My girlfriend wants to know who has more straight privilege.
Be careful, you could be next.
We're here....
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 93 02:09:59 CDT
From: rdd@cactus.org (Robert Dorsett)
Subject: I heard emacs was user-friendly, but this is reeeeediculous!
To: werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu
> Newsgroup gnu.emacs.sex not in .newsrc--subscribe? [ynYN]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 93 11:01:45 -0500
From: kimgh@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
Subject: Measles scare
To: bob
Because of all the measles reporting on the radio, TV, and
newspaper, I decided to get vaccinated at the Armory this
morning. The procedure is pretty simple. You give them your
name and student-ID number, and they'll pop you a syringeful of
something right away.
Much to my amazement and delight, they don't require any ID
to verify your bona fides. I plan on going back in about an hour
to get another shot under a different name. Hopefully I can get
inoculated at least ten times before getting caught. (I got sick
three times last year. Not this year, nosiree!)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 20:37:27 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: mtv -- problems solved!
(catching up on some old mail)
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
>I don't know how they charge for it, but as I understand it, SPICE plans
>to turn X rated movies into R rated movies; a sex channel without the sex.
Yow, great...they can make the deaf lame!
>Considering the rich plot lines of most X rated movies, I assume this is
>actually a way to make commercials seem thoughtful and entertaining.
I can see it now, knock-knock, who's there, the milkman, oh? put the
milk over there, my you're cute (climbs onto kitchen table), fast
forward, knock knock, who's there, tv repair, my you're cute (sprawls
suggestively across settee), <brrrzziipp>, knock knock...
I suppose the real question is whether or not the public will get
accustomed to 9 minute long R-rated movies titled "Someone Possibly
Doing Dallas"?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 16:13:09 +1000
From: bruce@coral.cs.jcu.edu.au (Bruce Litow)
Subject: Oz, its government
To: eniac
Oz is divided into free cities, Hobart, Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne,
Sydney, Brisbane and Darwin. Each city is ruled by a satrap called
`Premier', but really secundus inter pares. The wizard of Oz is called PMS
(prime minister of state.) These rulers must assume Ozzie names, e.g.,
Charles Marsupials, of Goanna Cassidy, and each (except the PMS) is given
vast territory and has the power to be resolutely ignored by every man,
woman and child and goanna in that region. The PMS has the power to be
ignored by everyone (thing) in Oz and Bill Clinton. Canberra is the
free city of the PMS and is modeled after Mexico City, DFM and Mayberry,
RFD.
As soon as I find out more about Oz I will tell you. I deal in facts.
You can't buy facts like these.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 12:16:51 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Paleolithic computing
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Paleolithic computing
Sent to the "sun-managers" mailing list - not just paper tape, but
*five-bit-per-character Baudot* paper tape:
From: hagenr@koa.hqpacaf.af.mil (SrA Robert Hagen)
Subject: Paper tape
Date: 22 Sep 93 18:04:40 GMT
Sun-managers:
I feel foolish asking this, but has anybody ever connected a paper tape
punch to a SPARCstation before? We have a requirement to support a five
level baudot punch/reader for our foreign customers. Are there any drivers
written out there that will allow either a Centronics parallel or an RS232
punch/reader to be hung off a Sparc2? Stop laughing! I would appreciate
any information and will gladly summarize.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1993 14:00:27 -0400
From: straz@cambridge.apple.com (Steve Strassmann)
Subject: Pascal to C
To: Jeffrey Ventrella <ventrell@media.mit.edu>
>anyone know of a program which helps to convert Pascal code to C?
Try crypt.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 09:25:12 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Purple evil
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[This may not make sense to the non-D&D crowd. Then again,
it might not make sense to anyone. --spaf]
================
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little children's minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil
================
NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8' tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000
Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out
small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.
Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting
1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a
saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged
next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim
or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds.
Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror
for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or
be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands
with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each
day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by
Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat
reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies
follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold
coins on Barney merchandise.
Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any
individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point
of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the
ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the
rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make
spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent
with their own insipid personalities.
Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on
the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane
and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly
surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops,
which they may use as +2 maces in combat.
Ecology: You're kidding, right?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
An amusing bit from the pages of the Ottawa Citizen:
"When it comes to disguise, some hold-up artisits apparently never
quite master the art of anonymity. Police in the southwestern
Pennsylvanian town of Perryopolis report that a convenience store
robber gave up on the traditional stocking mask for something more
theatrical last week -- large, pink-and-white bunny ears. Store
employees who willingly turned over cash to the axe-wielding bunny,
had little trouble identifying him to investigators."
[Axe-wielding bunny? Sounds like the product of too many
Slurpees. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"One night when I was in high school, everybody was going to a card
game, and I didn't have any money. These guys were all rich, and I
told them I needed some money. So this guy Billy turned to me and, as
a joke, said, 'I'll give you a hundred bucks in you let the front
wheel of this Volkswagen roll over your head.' I thought about it,
said, OK, lay down, and they undid the brake. Then I got the $100,
went to the game and won $2,000. My friends laughed and said, 'You've
gotta have meat loaf for brains to do that!'"
-- rock singer, Meat Loaf, explaining how he received his moniker
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"My political philosophy is: anything smaller than me is cute; anything
bigger than me is scary - elephants, the ocean, Microsoft, the IRS, the
IRA, IBM, ICBMs, committees and other mobs, Rush Limbaugh."
- Michael Swaine, Dr. Dobb's Journal
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Date: Mon, 27 Sep 93 12:04:17 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: software testing...
To: armand@cypress.west.sun.com, qastaff@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf
Article 513 of comp.software.testing:
Subject: Software Testing Protest
Keywords: joke
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Sept. 24 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with
bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without
resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software
programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1993 18:01:31 GMT
From: corcoran@difrel.world (Travis Corcoran)
Subject: Software Testing Protest
Newsgroups: comp.software.testing
In article <Sep.24.09.50.52.1993.9375@remus.rutgers.edu> ficara@remus.rutgers.edu (Ken Ficara) writes:
> According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
> and arduous tests..
>
> "We know alternatives to this horror exist,"
In this day and age, we have the ability to simulate actual software
using animals. It's a scandal that we still perform these inhumane
experiments on code when such an alternative exists.
Of course, so called software "engineers" protest that simulating
large applications and operating systems using billions of mice in
specially constructed mazes representing the hardware is not
practical. While it is true that doing so might cost more, these
protests are due more to trivial financial concerns than to any
actuall inability to perform the simulations...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 93 20:30:06 -0400
From: "Marc G. Frank" <mgfrank@erebus.com>
Subject: Things that make you go "hmm"
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Exactly ten days after purchasing *Programming in Ada* by JGP Barnes, I
get a flier from the US Navy that begins "HIGH TECH FUTURES. JOBS.
MONEY." and ends with a business reply card: "Yes, I would like to learn
more about an exciting job with travel and adventure."
Coincidence?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 93 12:17:30 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: things you shouldn't do at school...
To: spaf
> From: Heather_Eisthen@som-lrc.ucsd.edu
> Subject: government further restricts our freedom of association
>
> from the OBITUARY PAGE of the Dallas Morning News, Sept 10th, 1993:
>
> SCHOOL HANDBOOK'S SECTION ABOUT SEX PROMPTS APOLOGY
>
> Associated Press
>
> Katy, Texas -- The Katy school district will send letters of apology to
> families for the frank sexual references in its student conduct handbook.
> Katy Independent School District trustees said plans are to send the
> letters home with the district's 22,500 students Friday.
> Distribution of the manual triggered a public uproar in Katy because of
> some of the language used in the book regarding sexual misconduct.
> Children as young as first-graders were warned that they could be expelled
> if caught with their mouths or genitals in contact with the genitals or anuses
> of animals.
> "An apology is certainly appropriate, but I don't know why it has taken
> them two weeks to some to that conclusion," parent Donald W. Hart told the
> _Houston Chronicle_.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1993 01:45:49 -0400
From: rissa@world.std.com (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: today in motorola history!
To: eniac
from the "Stocks" column of the 9/24/3 chicago tribune:
In the early 1900's Motorola was a manufacturer of foldup or in-
the-wall beds with small electric motors attached to the frames.
The owner pulled a ceiling cord sending current to the motor, and
the bed would roll forward to a horizontal position. Hence the
name Motorola!
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Date: Fri, 17 Sep 93 16:34:35 EDT
From: welty@balltown.cma.com (richard welty)
Subject: to sort, or to sortate, that is the question ...
To: eniac
the post office needs access to a style manual, i guess.
i'm busy absorbing the information content (such as it is)
in USPS publication 49, "Third Class Mail Preparation", and
chapter four ("sorting for discount rates") has a really
glorious piece of english usage in it. the first appearance
is "Basic and 3/5 presort rates are part of the same sortation and
sacking sequence."
i would have said "sorting" instead of sortation in this sentnce;
as far as sacking goes, i try not to rape and pillage a city more
than once a year.
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Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1993 11:53:27 -0500
From: David L Stevens <dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: weirdness
To: bob
So I was reading my lease for my apartment the other day, and article
15 says:
15. CONDUCT. Lessee agrees to conduct his actions in a sane and
rational manner.
Lucky I saw that, because just the other day I was thinking about
going wacko. But since that would violate my lease, I decided to read a book
instead.
I wonder if that constitutes discrimination against disgruntled Postal workers.
------------------------------
From: tms@thumper (Tom Swiss)
Subject: What do you do when they refuse to arrest you?
Newsgroups: talk.politics.drugs
This week's _Washington City Paper_ features a story about a fellow
named Ron Kiczenski. Last April, he mailed a quarter-pound of pot to
President Clinton, along with a bunch of hemp information.
"I assumed I'd be arrested and there would be a federal trial, and all
that information would be put before a jury," he said. He felt that this
would give him a platform to speak out for re-legalization and hemp
industry.
But no one seems willing to arrest him. He's called the White House
repeatedly, he's tried the Justice Department, the Secret Service, the
Postal Service, the FBI and the DEA. He sent in another half-pound (!) ,
along with a pair of 100% hemp shorts, to the President, and filmed the
packaging and mailing. No dice.
Kiczenski says that every member of Clinton's cabinet can expect to
find a package of weed in his or her mailbox soon.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 93 12:09:50 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: WorldCon
To: eniac
> "If you have nothing better to do at 3am than sit in front of your PC, I
> suggest you find a direct lineal descendent of Jeffrey Dahmer and let
> him eat your face."
[Harlan Ellison]
------------------------------
From: CRL::"cmayer@ksr.com" "Christopher M Mayer" 23-SEP-1993
(This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:)
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window
or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on
the ground?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand
that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will,
when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing
lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.
------------------------------
From: dianac@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Diana L. Chabot)
To: lisa.chabot@Eng
Headline for yesterday's Oakland Tribune:
"Fire Guts Sausage Plant"
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End of Yucks Digest
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