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Yucks Digest V3 #26 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 29 Jul 93 Volume 3 : Issue 26
Today's Topics:
At 29, they tell me I have Spina Bifida! Any comments?
cutie
Females from Russia
Finding a Good Lawyer
frog lore
Great quotes
How can one avoid joking about Lawyers?
I'm a frayed knot!
instruction manuals
Lawyer testing high-rise window plunges to death
Palindrome from hell!
Problems in Democracy, #137
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
seen in Dani Zweig's .sig
shoulda stayed in bed...
Should the NSA mimic God?
spinning dog hair into yarn?
superheroes
The Borg are here...
White House Orders No-Bid Phone System
Why you should always carry a pocket knife
Yucks Digest V3 #25 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 00:48:57 -0400
From: Lawrence Curcio <lc2b+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: At 29, they tell me I have Spina Bifida! Any comments?
Newsgroups: sci.med
Well, you're not alone. I used to analyze US death certificate data. In
11 years of records (that's about 28 million deaths) we found about 20
cases of people over 65 who apparently died of anencephaly. (true!) Of
course, before your post, I thought these were erroneous...
Then there were the six people who allegedly died of housemaid's knee.
(Also true.) Sounds painful.
On the other end of the age scale, a poor little girl under 1 year of
age died in childbirth.
There's bound to be a convention in heaven for all these folks.
May you fare better than these others,
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jul 93 04:31:23 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: smu!leff
From Wall Street Journal in an article about mules
When the last Army mule packing station was closed up in 1956, the
men there said that the U. S. would never win another war without its
mules.
[Oddly enough, it might be claimed that we really haven't won any conflict
since then. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1993 13:09:51 +0000
From: rag@sbank.e-burg.su (Reutov Andrew)
Subject: Females from Russia
Newsgroups: soc.net-people
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 93 16:09:06 EBG
Hello!
Are you want to find out russian female for marriage, or simple
for penpales? Send me what you want. Many girls available via
post, express post, e-mail, phone, aotomatic ads server, VHS
movies and so on. It is possible to exchange computer graphic
images.
If my expences will have been overflowed than $US 5 I will
stand my calculation against you.
[Uh, sure. What he said. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 19 Jul 1993 14:24:13 GMT
From: smith@ctron.com (Lawrence C Smith)
Subject: Finding a Good Lawyer
Newsgroups: misc.consumers.house
timlee@netcom.com (Timothy J. Lee) writes:
>How do you find a good lawyer?
All you need is a shovel and a map of the cemetary.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 11:42:46 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: frog lore
To: spaf
[fwds deleted]
>From the sci.bio group...
This newsgroup periodically entertains questions about whether
any macroorganisms use rotary movements for locomotion (no,
there aren't hoop snakes, ...). I quote from
Stolzenburg, William
1993 "magic mesas: venezuela's tepuys",
Nature Conservancy, volume 43, number
4, pages 10-15 (July/August 1993)
"The little black toads ['tepuy toad'] are sometimes found
strolling along on bare rock in the middle of the day and,
when approached, make little attempt to run. Instead, they
tuck and roll, like a pebble.
Roy McDiarmid, a herpetologist with the National Museum of
Natural History in Washington, D.C., and expert on the tepuy
toad, speculates that 'this balling and rolling behavior
ften results in a toad's tumbling some distance into a crack
or crevice where it is out of sight or difficult to reach.'
Which raises the question: from whom is it escaping?
'I would guess spiders,' says McDiarmid. 'There are large
tarantula-like spiders up there.' . . ."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 93 12:56:09 -0500
From: spaf
Subject: Great quotes
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
The local paper reprinted a column by Tom FitzGerald, a sports write
for the SF Chronicle. He was presenting a selection of great quotes.
Two that I really liked:
"President Clinton said today that from now on he would try to give
more attention to our nation's disasters," says Jay Leno. "In fact,
he said in the next few weeks he would try to attend at least one Mets
game."
As far as Dan Moffett of the "West Palm beach Post" is concerned, the
finest golf in the world is in Florida -- in July. Yes, it's terribly
hot and humid. That's just the way Moffett likes it. "I want it so
clammy that putting a hand in a golf glove feels like giving a water
buffalo a prostate exam."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 13:05:22 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How can one avoid joking about Lawyers?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: whatsnew@apsedoff.bitnet
U.S. QUIETLY DROPS "BROAD INTERPRETATION" OF THE ABM TREATY.
Yet another relic of the "Star Wars" missile defense program has
been abandoned. In 1972, the Senate voted 88-2 to ratify the ABM
treaty with the understanding that the treaty banned development
and testing, as well as deployment, of space-based ABM systems.
Thirteen years later, however, a White House lawyer claimed to
find a loophole in the negotiating record that permitted testing
and development of systems based on "new physical principles"--
the so-called "broad interpretation." Like all religious visions,
only the faithful could see it. The lawyer, Abraham Sofaer, is
now working for Moammar Gadhafi, representing Libya in the Pan Am
103 case for an undisclosed fee. The Clinton Administration this
week reaffirmed the "narrow" interpretation of the ABM treaty.
[Keith's new title says it all.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:02:55 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'm a frayed knot!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
(To fully appreciate this joke you should realize that the Internet has
spent *years* with various versions of the three strings joke, the one
with the punchline of "I'm a frayed knot.")
A Net.addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. So addicted was
he to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone
in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in soc.women and soc.men that
he failed to notice that he was low on gas.
Suddenly, he ran out of gas. He pondered his dilemma briefly before
starting to walk, looking for a gas station.
At one crossroads, he decided to cross a farmer's field. Halfway
across, he encountered a nasty looking pig. He was a little worried as the
pig was pretty large, but he tried to nonchalantly stroll by. Just as he
passed the pig, to his amazement, the pig spoke to him!
"Aren't you going to pay the farmer for crossing this field?"
"No," responded the Net.addict. "I'm a frayed knot. Are you going
to attack me?"
"Well, yes," replied the pig. "I'm a feared sow."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 93 07:55:43 PDT
From: valerie@sdacs.UCSD.EDU (Valerie E Polichar)
Subject: instruction manuals
To: eniac
Instructions for my friend Jopsy's new pager warn in large letters:
DO NOT EAT BATTERY!
DO NOT SWALLOW BATTERY DOOR!
And this turned up in the latest Consumer_Reports (8/93):
"Every now and then we stumble across a package instruction that leaves us
scratching our head...
...the real eye-opener comes from Japanese manufacturer Yamaha. While
perusing the assembly instructions for his new'"Electric Grand' keyboard,
a reader found a diagram showing assorted pieces of hardware and labeled
with a single Anglo-Saxon word of instruction. We can't repeat the
instruction in this family magazine, but we believe the company meant,
'screw.'"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 93 10:31:13 CDT
From: shoe@tivoli.com (Mark Shoemaker)
Subject: Lawyer testing high-rise window plunges to death
To: spaf
TORONTO (UPI) -- Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
This seems a twisted case of life (or least death) imitating art (or at
least TV).
There was a Hill Street Blues episode in which the leading candidate in
the (show's) Mayor's race was giving a tour of a high-rise tenement to
reporters (I believe he had moved in there as a PR stunt earlier). In
pointing out the need for better maintenance, he went to demonstrate how
rotten the wood was around a large window in one of the stairwells. It
broke free and he plunged to his death.
The capsule description of the episode in most TV listings was "Leading
Mayoral Candidate falls out of race".
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 1993 17:36:02 GMT
From: peterco@eff.org (Peter Cohen)
Subject: Palindrome from hell!
Newsgroups: ne.general
Someone just gave me a copy of this.
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, hero's rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe,
percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a cat, a mane, paper, a
Toyota, rep, a pen, a mat, a can, a tag, a banana bag again, or: a camel,
a crepe, pins, spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a
canal, Panama!
for numerically/verbally challenged folks, the split happens at the y in
Toyota...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 93 19:30:04 EDT
From: daye@agvax2.ag.ohio-state.edu (David Daye)
Subject: Problems in Democracy, #137
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
PROBLEM:
People who go into a certain house get electrocuted.
RESPONSES:
Protestant:
Urge people to resist temptation.
Catholic:
Fundraising memorial bingo night.
TV Evangelist:
Fundraising memorial faith-healing spa and electric theme park.
Rock Star:
Fundraising memorial mega-concert, profits to survivors ( $746 ).
Local TV:
Send Sky Cam, report incident as a toxic waste spill.
MacNeil / Lehrer:
22-minute debate featuring a consumer advocate, a physicist, conservative
senator, a black playwright and an ethicist.
Tabloid:
"Elvis Zaps Fans With Guitar!"
Zoning Board:
Table the issue--too busy approving new malls.
School Board:
Change curriculum to include alternative theories of electricity.
Electrician:
Have people always keep one hand in pocket.
Engineer:
Wire people 180 degrees out of phase with house current.
Architect:
Redesign interior of house to increase excitement in less risky spaces.
H.M.O.:
Authorize visit with nurse, but charge for doctor.
Insurance Company:
Retroactive policy exclusion for injuries exceeding 100,000 mi./sec.
Lawyer:
Sue maker of auto that was parked in garage at time of accident.
Jury:
Split liability between auto maker and tire company.
Ross Perot:
1-800-
Entrepreneur:
1-900-
Immigration Service:
Deport homeowner's babysitter.
I.R.S.:
Confiscate victims' savings accounts.
B.A.T.&F.:
Surround the neighborhood.
F.B.I.:
Protect the media by relocating them just outside Anchorage.
President:
Another reason for the energy tax.
Congress:
Another reason for Special Prosecutor.
Pentagon:
Another reason for more defense spending.
CIA:
Another reason to bomb Libya.
Supreme Court:
Permit states to regulate use of electrons in 3rd trimester abortions.
Conservatives:
Mandatory jail time for theft of power; reduce AIDS funding.
Liberals:
Redefine positive and negative as "assertive" and "receptive;" build
swimming pools in 3 swing-vote states.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
In response to the question "Will Windows NT be the death of Unix?"
put forth by Open Systems Today:
"I would rather gnaw my leg off, pack the bleeding stump with salt,
and run in a circle on broken glass than have to deal with any
Microsoft product on a regular basis."
-- Dan Zimmerman, a sophomore at Vanderbilt.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
lessons on proper husband-wife relationships...
"... wives should address their spouses respectfully as 'Husband', and
to avoid such demeaning endearments as 'sweet, sweeting, heart, sweetheart,
love, joy, dear, duck, chick or pigsnie', as well as such egalitarian
modes as the first name.".
-- William Gouge, 1622, a Puritan moral theologian.
[How about , "Hey, putz!" ? --spaf ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 93 16:44:26 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: seen in Dani Zweig's .sig
To: Diana_L_Chabot@ccm.hf.intel.com, jeanne@chryse.Eng.Sun.COM, eric@chryse.Eng.Sun.COM
Watership Down:
You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 93 16:40:50 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: shoulda stayed in bed...
To: spaf
Have you ever had a day so bad that, at the end of it, you conclude
that you would have been better off if you'd just called in deceased
and stayed in bed? William Sessions had a day like that last Saturday.
First, he gets called to the White House and told--by Janet Reno, I
think--to either resign or be fired by close of business Monday. Then,
on his way out, he tripped on a curb, fell and broke his arm. For
an encore, Bill Clinton fired him this afternoon. Talk about
discriminating against the handicapped!
Given Sessions's travel proclivities, he'll probably have to settle for
being the head of the United Way.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 93 17:31:54 PDT
From: Christopher_C_Lapp@cup.portal.com
Subject: Should the NSA mimic God?
Newsgroups: sci.crypt
God is omnicient and all powerful. But little is said about
what >God< thinks is important. The NSA has the same problem
without a set of value judgements to filter all of the information
and prioritize all of the possible actions, the NSA, like God without
value judgements, is in reality impotent and confused. But if the
NSA makes too complex a set of value judgements, the difference between
valuable information and worthless information is blurred and prioritize
actions becomes a serious problem. Further, if the values of the NSA beco
open, then the NSA can be manipulated by an adversary using techniques
previously described in this interest group. I suggest "value compartmenl-
ization", both for God and the NSA. With subunits analyzing a stream of
information from separate and fundamentally different value positions, the
information and actions necessary to a complex set of values is possible
without creating a confused organization. God has his angels, and the NSA
should have value compartmentalization. AT the top, God's throne and the
NSA's lead spook would have a very fundamental set of values, and based on th
the information and suggested actions of the subunits would be "judged". Fr
this, a model of the actual state of reality would follow. Thus the NSA, a
intelligence community in general should create subgroups that view informati
from different value filters, and thus at any given turn of events, a defens
based on competing and radically different approaches would emerge from teh
subgroups. People in politics, Angels in Heaven, and sub compartments at t
NSA each serve their masters by viewing the omnicience created by politics,
Gods perceptions, and the NSA's satellites, and breaking down the information
to usable, but not uniform explanations of reality. In the case of Democrati
politics, the voters decide, in Heaven, Angels can be over-ruled, and at the
hopefully, those at the top have God-like, simple values that would not compl
complicate their perceptions of the value-compartments feeding action-plans a
perceptions to them
How aboutit NSA? Time for a Change? Worried that you may be manipulated?
[This is an attempt at a train of thought I have not seen on the net
before.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jul 93 13:00:04 -0500
From: rice@kenyon.edu
Subject: spinning dog hair into yarn?
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.misc
In article <1993Jul12.165524.1@kean.ucs.mun.ca>, dstewart@kean.ucs.mun.ca writes:
> Here is what I imagine to be an unusual question--does anyone know of a
> service in the Eastern U.S. or Canada that will spin raw fibre? Not wool
> though--my family has a large Malamute who sheds enormous quantities of
> undercoat during the spring and summer and I have thought for some time
> that it could be spun into a yarn. We must have pounds of it.
>
> I don't have a lot of interest in learning to spin but I suppose that's an
> alternative.
>
> Has anyone any experience with spinning dog hair? I have heard vaguely of
> people doing it but don't know anyone who has.
>
> Thanks, Dan Stewart dstewart@kean.ucs.mun.ca
I used to spin dog hair. One time I wove a necktie with dog hair; I had to
warn the owner that if he spilled soup on his tie, he would smell like a wet
dog!!! It spun beautifully and, Dan, you have the right kind of dog. It's the
undercoat that is so soft and spins so well. Good luck.
[Or, you could use a blend. Use cotton or wool for the warp threads,
and of course use the dog hair for the woof. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 1993 13:53:46 GMT
From: phydieux@maple.circa.ufl.edu
Subject: superheroes
Newsgroups: alt.punk
Viva la Fiend, i think punk=practical footwear too. i know i wouldn't
be comfortable standing around town or walking down the sidewalk in
anything other than heavy lug soles and high black leather. besides,
lacing them up gives me lots of time to think about the revolution.
me likey the revolution.
i put on my cool boots and went to lollapaloser the first year, because
i lived at home and got to eat more than one meal a day (for free!) i
liked it when perry farrell said that we should all unite against the
rich people. that is a good idea. i liked his idea and his hair so much
that i bought one of his band's tshirts. they are so nice, they let me
have one for only twenty dollars. then my friends and i got in my friends
mom's saab and drove home. the only bad thing was that my frind's doctor
marten's boots got very dirty. but that's okay now, she got a new pair
in a better color. (i guess that wasn't bad after all, huh?) All in all,
we a had a wonderful time and i hope that everyone else who goes gets to
have as much fun as i did and be inspired by such wonderful performers,
who have such important things to say...
Alice Donut is very good live and you should go see them. The singer guy
wears a funny trench coat and sometimes he exposes himself. (!)
[Severe head trauma might cause this... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 93 10:35:21 PDT
From: uunet!mailhost.cs.pdx.edu!jonb (Jon Batcheller)
Subject: The Borg are here...
To: ross@qcktrn.com, mbutts@qcktrn.com
"We are Microsoft. UNIX is irrelevant.
OS/2 is irrelevant. Openness is futile.
Prepare to be assimilated." by prs@turing.org
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jul 1993 17:32:52 GMT
From: tarl@lectroid.sw.stratus.com (Tarl Neustaedter)
Subject: White House Orders No-Bid Phone System
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
In article <telecom13.478.1@eecs.nwu.edu>, TELECOM Moderator noted in
response to Guy J. Sherr <0004322955@mcimail.com>:
> [...] press 'C'; if you want to comment; press 'Q' if you think
> Clinton should quit; [...]
Reminds me of an old trick that was played on me. There is a gentleman
who is so angry at the stupidity of some Americans, specifically those
not versed in telephone arcana, that he has set up an 800 line with
recordings of jokes directed at that group. It's a 1-800 call, so it
doesn't cost you anything to check it out:
1-800-IDIOT-I.Q.
That number should work equally well from anywhere in the U.S. or Canada.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1993 12:46:23 GMT
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Why you should always carry a pocket knife
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In <gerald.743292502@gerald> gerald@gerald.torolab.ibm.com (Gerald Oskoboiny) writes:
>A friend of mine has a book called "The SAS Survival Guide" (I think).
>It was written by a guy who spent a couple decades in the army, in forests
>and jungles and other weird places.
>There is also a section on eating bugs:
The SAS ensures the survival of its agents in the wild by teaching them to
eat bugs.
The CIA is ensuring the survival of its agents in the wild by enabling
MacDonalds to have a goddamned restaurant EVERY FOUR HUNDRED YARDS over
the ENTIRE surface of the Earth.
Now, whose approach do you prefer?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 09:50:02 -0500 (CDT)
From: Adam Thompson <thompsn@sbghrc.sbrc.umanitoba.ca>
Subject: Yucks Digest V3 #25 (shorts)
To: Yucks-request
> Subject: Yucks Digest V3 #25 (shorts)
>...
> From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
> Subject: Congratulations!
> To: spaf
>...
> My daughter, Andrea, is also a Yucks subscriber. Her son, Kevin, will
> be a subscriber as soon as he can read. Will we represent the first
> three-generation subscribers?
>
> [... Do we have other 2-generation spans? 3-generation? More?
> To keep it fair, humans only, please. --spaf]
^^^^^^^^^^^
... doesn't that disqualify most of the readership?
[Sadly, this may be true. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------