[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V3 #25 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 18 Jul 93 Volume 3 : Issue 25
Today's Topics:
Accents (Was: Y du peple spel rong?
acronym update
An elegant solution
Archie McPhee just keeps getting better!
BETH
Bumper stickers
Congratulations!
cutie (3 msgs)
FORSALE: One Million Microfiche; Price: Negotiable
sinking pool
For yucks
Hungry?
Lawyer testing high-rise window plunges to death
Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
Microsoft hypocracy
Microwave Ovens
more Microsoft (for YUCKS)
new age hacking
Pasta code (yucks submission)
pet-borne illness
Quote of the day
ronald macdonald
South Central Llama Assoc Conference
What is the difference...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 21 Apr 93 15:51:02 GMT
From: dam@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk (David Morning)
Subject: Accents (Was: Y du peple spel rong?
Newsgroups: uk.misc
snail@lsl.co.uk writes:
{..about the Bolton accent}
>Spelling in accents is a damned sight harder than I thought it would be
>(excepting Dave Mornings superb demo!)
For some fun, try running this through your spell checker...:-)
^t is the dreaded Glasgow glottal stop.
==============================================================================
GLESGA GOLDILOCKS Dave Morning
Wance, there wiz three bears, Maw, Paw an' the wean.
Wan mornin', Maw made some purridj bu^t i^t wiz bilin' so they went fur a
donner in the wids.
Goldilocks stoati^t' in tae the hoose fur a dekko an' saw the purridj.
"That's the geme" she sade, "Ah'll huv some o' tha^t"
Bu^t the furst wan wiz too sal^ty an' the second wan wiz too sugary bu^t the
thurd wan wiz jist so, so she hud the sugary wan, efter a' she's fae
Glesga, an wi've goa^t the wurst die^t in the wurld.
Efter tha^t, she saw sum chairs.
"Crackin'" she sade, "Ah need tae rest mah bunions"
Bu^t the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft bu^t the thurd
wan wiz jist so, so she sa^t oan the second wan, efter a' she's fae Glesga'
an' wi've goa^t the wurst exercise an' postchir record in the wurld.
Then she went upstairs an' saw sum beds.
"Ah'm knackered" she sade. "Ah think ah'll huv a kip"
Bu^t the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft bu^t the thurd
wan wiz jist so, so she switched oan the telly, lay doon oan the second wan,
li^t a fag an' burnt the hooss tae the grun, efter a', she's fae Glesga
an' wu'r the wurlds wurst fur smokin' (in the pi^t tae!).
A wee while la^ter, the bears came back.
"Goad!" sade the faither. "Sum bugger's gawn an burn^t wur hoos doon".
So they a' ran intae whit wiz left o' the hooss an' ran upstairs. They fun
Goldilocks lyin' oan the bed burn^t as black a toast.
"Ya stupi^t wee besom!" sade Maw. "Ye come here every week knickin' wur
purridj an' brekin' wur chairs. Bu^t no' happy we that, this time ye knick ma
fags an' burn the hooss tae the grun. Get tae buggery oo^t o' here before ah
skelp yer erse!"
So Goldilocks jumped oot o' the bed an ran away as fast as hur burn^t
legs wid go.
She goa^t be^ter later oan, gave up fags, went oan a die^t, (wan o' they F-plan
things), grew her hair dead long an' starti^t singing songs aboot some pun^ter
called Rumplestiltskin.
The bears buil^t thir hooss agane bu^t this time they yazed brick an'
inviti^t three pigs tae stai wae them tae. Bu^t they always wir a bi^t
doolally them bears. Ah mean, who ever heard o' bears livin' in a hooss an
eatin' purridj eh?
The End
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 93 10:37:53 PDT
From: gabeh@maxstrat.com (Gabe)
Subject: acronym update
To: spaf
I was recently able to obtain a copy of the IBM Dictionary of Official
Acronyms, or IBM DOA as it is better known. Until now I was convinced
that the rumors of BIG BLUE having an entire department, with a staff of
834 people dedicated to this publication, were pure nonsense.
What an eye opener!! I was embarrassed to discover that I had used many
acronyms incorrectly over the years.
Here are some examples from the IBM DOA (1,234 pages, International
Business Machines Press (IMBP)):
CPU (see-pee-you) Can Pee Upright. slang for human males.
SCSI (ska-zee) something dirty. people who pronounce this (skoo-zee) won't
understand.
DOS (dos(like dog with an "s")) Disfunctional Operating System (used to be
Disk Operating System until that *$#@ Gates.....)
UNIX (you-nicks) a group of CPUs with their genitalia removed.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 93 11:20:53 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: An elegant solution
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Logan Shaw said...
$ telnet microsoft.com smtp
Trying 131.107.1.3 ...
Connected to microsoft.com.
Escape character is '^]'.
220 microsoft.com Sendmail ???? ready at Mon, 28 Jun 1993 16:55:24 -0500
helo
250 microsoft.com Hello (daffy), pleased to meet you
mail from: BillGates@microsoft.com
250 BillGates@microsoft.com... Sender ok
rcpt to: PRESIDENT@WHITEHOUSE.GOV
250 PRESIDENT@WHITEHOUSE.GOV... Recipient ok
data
354 Enter mail, end with "." on a line by itself
Dear President Clinton,
You have one month from today to draft and pass a bill which will give
Microsoft sole rights to software production in the United States. If
you do not comply, you will be killed. Do not think that I lack either
the ability or intent to carry this out.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Bill Gates
.
250 Ok
quit
221 microsoft.com closing connection
Connection closed by foreign host.
$
[DISCLAIMER TO THE SECRET SERVICE AND OTHER NATIONAL SECURITY RELATED
AGENCIES WHO OCCASIONALLY EMPLOY THE HUMOR-IMPAIRED AND GIVE THEM BIG
GUNS AND POWER TO ARREST PEOPLE AND CONFISCATE COMPUTERS: THIS IS
A JOKE. MR. SHAW DOES NOT ADVOCATE GETTING BILL GATES OUT OF THE
WAY BY SUCH MEANS. HAVE A NICE DAY RESPECTING THE HUMOR RIGHTS OF
OTHERS. THANK-YOU VERY MUCH.
Not that Mr. Shaw would *mind*, though, anymore than the rest of us
would - Miles]
[Note: Mr. Shaw has more to fear from the Microsoft hit squad than
he does from the Secret Service. That he found out about the mail
that Gates sent Clinton may earn him a low-level FMT visit..... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Jul 93 18:17:58 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Archie McPhee just keeps getting better!
To: spaf
Following are some catalog items from the latest Archie McPhee catalog.
You'll notice some nifty new stuff since the last list sent to Yucks.
9775. BABY RAT. 6 for $3.50.
9777. SQUIRT DART FROG ASSORTMENT. 12 for $3!
9776. PUFFING FACE MASK. $17.50 each.
9773. HEAP OF MONKEYS HEAD DISGUISE. $11.50 each.
9732. TROLL WITH BLOWOUT TONGUE. $3.25 each.
M916. MONSTER MUD. $2.95 (Includes the following warning: MONSTER MUD
MAY STICK TO RUGS, FABRICS, HAIR, AND MAY DAMAGE WOOD SURFACES!)
9759. SQUIRTING EYEBALLS. 3 packages/6 eyeballs for $3.25.
M101. HUMMERS. Set of 4 different/$4.50.
M777. SCREAM INFLATE. $27.50
9500. MARTIAN POPPING THING. $6.
9181. DELUXE FINGER MONSTERS. 5-finger special/$3!
9667. DR. JUJU'S MAGIC LAMP. $7.50 each.
9083. FINGER HOOKS. (4 fingers) for $3.50!
M881. SKULL MAGNETS. 3 different (our choice)/$10.
M880. ALTAR BOY AWARD. $7.50 each.
9742. LUMA GOO. $1.50 each.
9065. JESUS NIGHT LIGHTS. Set of 8 for $3.99!
M823. DOGS PLAYING POKER TAPESTRY. $12.95 each.
9595. Wind-up Walking Crab. With crab facts on the back! $5 each.
9025. GLOW-IN-THE-DARK SLUGS. Bag of 8/$5!
9366. WHINING CICADA WITH BLINKING EYES KEYRING. $5 each.
9377. BUG GUN. $3.25 each.
9662. Squirt Frog and the Evolving Tadpoles. With metamorphosis facts!
$3.75 each set.
9740. TUBE OF GLOOM. $1.50 each.
9721. PUNCHOSAURUS PUNCHING PUPPET. $8.25 each.
Write or call for catalog:
Archie McPhee
Outfitters of Popular Culture
P.O. Box 30852
Seattle, WA 98103 USA
Order Desk and Info Line: (206) 782-2344
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 93 12:25:01
From: rutgers!twty.chi.il.us!benjamin.cohen
Subject: BETH
To: spaf
Re: Yucks 3/24, Administrivia
>>I'm sure this will give me another source of bizarre stories.
>>Like why she seems to dirty her diaper
>>every time her father picks her up....
What have you been telling her?
Chicago Tribune, July 7, 1993, Tales From the Front Column, by
Cheryl Lavin:
"Jim is a good father, and he wanted to avoid a lot of problems by
having that father-daughter talk early. 'Having agonized for
months over the inevitable, I presented her with my two simple
rules for dating: (1) She may not date until she's 18. (2) No
man will ever be good enough for her. Her response? She smiled,
gurgled, and immediately filled her diaper."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 93 18:09:18 -0700
From: karn@qualcomm.com (Phil Karn)
Subject: Bumper stickers
To: meo@pencom.com
Here's one I saw recently:
"Don't steal. The government hates the competition."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 93 07:24:13 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Congratulations!
To: spaf
Congratulations on your new arrival! If you think having a new baby is
fun (and it is, most of the time), just wait till you have a grandbaby.
Imagine having a freshly laundered, dressed, well-fed, and happy baby
being handed to you to play with, then taken away to be reconditioned
for the next time you're in the mood.
My daughter, Andrea, is also a Yucks subscriber. Her son, Kevin, will
be a subscriber as soon as he can read. Will we represent the first
three-generation subscribers?
[Well, Yucksters? I know we have at least one other 2-generation span
reading Yucks (the Wexelblat pere & fils). Do we have other
2-generation spans? 3-generation? More? To keep it fair, humans
only, please. --spaf]
[It just occured to me, would having Kevin read Yucks as soon as he
can read constitute enlightened parenting or child abuse? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 13 Jul 93 04:31:24 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: seismo!flinn
Some years ago there was a newspaper article about the difficulties
some organization (maybe even Bell Labs) had in getting a cable from
one of their buildings across one of the Interstate highways in New
Jersey to another of their buildings. For some reason they couldn't
put the cable on poles, so they tried to snake it through a smallish
pipe (6" or so) that ran under the road. A number of attempts to
thread the cable through the pipe failed. Then someone thought of
small animals - tie a thread to the tail of a rat, say, shoo it from
one end of the pipe to the other, and go from there. The rats all
failed to make it all the way, collapsing from exhaustion in the pipe.
They tried tying the thread to a male rat and shooing a female rat into
the pipe ahead of him, but that didn't work either. [They could have
tried it the other way around with a pair of rats that had been married
a long time]. The newspaper article was about a ceremony the
organization held for the press after a large husky rat named Dynamite
had completed a rigorous physical training course and was to do the
mighty deed. It turned out that the photographers' flashes scared
Dynamite, who dropped dead of a heart attack before the assembled
company. The story didn't say how or whether the cable was ever run
through the pipe.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jul 93 04:30:56 EDT (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: cwruecmp!sundar
There was this Viceroy during the British Raj who strongly believed
that Indians were arrant fools. One day his friend arrives from London.
To prove his point to his friend, the Viceroy takes him to his
coconut grove. He stops by a farmer tending a coconut tree and says,
"There are 243 coconut trees in this grove. Each bears about
37 coconuts in a season.
Now, tell me, how old I am ?"
The farmer ponders over this rather quizzical question for a minute or so,
and then replies, "56 Sir".
The viceroy was astonished. That was his 56th birthday. That is why his
friend had come all the way from England. Naturally he wanted to find
out this source of unusual intelligence.
"How do you know?"
The farmer goes,
"I have a brother who turned 28 today. He is half as crazy".
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jun 93 04:31:27 EDT (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: hp-pcd!jimd
The Turbo Encabulator
This article appeared in a mechanical trade journal around 1945. My
grandfather, editor of the Welder's Digest, kept it in his scrap-
book. Nobody knows who wrote it.
For a number of years work has been proceeding in order to bring
perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that would not
only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase
detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing
cardinal grammeters. Such a machine is the "Turbo-Encabulator."
Basically, the only new principle involved is that instead of power
being generated by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes, it
is produced by the modial interaction of magneto-reluctance and
capacitive directance.
The original machine had a base-plate of pre-fabulated amulite,
surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the
two spurving bearings were in a direct line with the pentametric fan.
The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzelvances, so
fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was
effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta
type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots in the stator, every
seventh conductor being connected by a non-reversible tremie pipe to
the differential girdlespring on the "up" end of the grammeters.
Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubing
together a regurgitative purwell and a supramitive wennel-sprocket.
Indeed, this proved to be a stumbling block to further development
until, in 1942, it was found that the use of anhydrous nangling pins
enabled a kryptonastic bolling shim to be tankered.
The early attempts to construct a sufficiently robust spiral
decommutator failed largely because of a lack of appreciation of the
large quasi-piestic stresses in the gremlin studs; the latter were
specially designed to hold the roffit bars to the spamshaft. When,
however, it was discovered that wending could be prevented by a simple
addition to the living sockets, almost perfect running was secured.
The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the
h.f. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogenous spandrels.
This is a distinct advance on the standard nivel-sheave in that no
dramcock oil is required after the phase detractors have been remissed.
Undoubtedly, the turbo-encabulator has now reached a very high
level of technical development. It has been successfully used for
operating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent skor
motion is required, it may be employed in conjunction with a drawn
reciprocating dingle arm to reduce sinusoidal depleneration.
------------------------------
Date: 7 Jul 93 21:23:22 GMT
From: crb7q@kelvin.seas.Virginia.EDU (Cameron Randale Bass)
Subject: FORSALE: One Million Microfiche; Price: Negotiable
Newsgroups: misc.forsale,sci.physics,sci.engr,sci.chem,sci.energy,sci.research,sci.electronics
Yes, you read correctly. Be the first on your block to open
up a research library.
These items comprise the technical microfiche collection of the
University of Virginia from 1955-1992. Included is nearly complete
coverage of the NTIS N-series from 1962 to the mid 1980's. Also
included are DOE reports from the National Laboratories,
government-sponsored industrial research, NASA documentation, and
many many others.
Now you too can have over seven tons of microfiche for your very own;
more physics, chemistry, electronics and engineering than
you'll ever desire.
Act now, and as a bonus I'll throw in cabinets to house almost
half of the collection. Also included as a one-time bonus are
several hundred reels of Defense Department microfilm. Intimidate
your neighbors, leash the dog, play 'secret agent man'.
Place your order today!
For further information e-mail me at crb7q@virginia.edu.
dale bass
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 93 14:43:39 BST
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: sinking pool
To: spaf
Spotted in rec.humor
Taken from the July 9, 1993 issue of The Province newspaper, Vancouver,
British Columbiat
Headline: "Pool Goes Under"
"The world's first floating swimming pool, built in 1785 and moored
to barges on the River Seine in central Paris, broke free from its moorings
and sank to the bed of the river yesterday."
[Authorities are now attempting to identify the new "deep end". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 93 19:38 GMT0BST-1
From: Paul Wakeford <paul_w@cix.compulink.co.uk>
Subject: For yucks
To: spaf
AP - as reported in "The Guardian", a U.K. daily newspaper on 10 July 1993
STOWAWAY FALLS OUT OF THE SKY
A man who fell in to the garden of a French couple's home in a Paris suburb
may have been a Russian stowaway on an overflying aircraft, police said
yesterday.
Investigators found 55 Russian roubles on the body, their first big clue
towards identifying the mnan who fell into Bernard and Denise Bisson's
garden in Eaubonne.
An Air France flight between Moscow and Paris flew over Eaubonne at about
11:30am, the time at which Mrs Bisson said she head a loud thud and her
telephone went dead. Glancing outside, she found tree branches broken,
telephone cables torn down, and a male body embedded about 6 inches in her
lawn.
Police said they were certain the man was a stowaway on board a flight
coming in to Charles de Gaulle international airport. The Bisson home lies
beneath an approach path.
The man, about 35, was lightly dressed. Police believe he was already dead
from sub-zero atmospheric temperatures when he presumably fell from a
landing compartment when the wheel-doors opened.
[He was actually trying for a full gainer into the floating swimming
pool, but it had mysteriously vanished. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 15:41:59 PDT
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Hungry?
To: yucks
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
Subject: LUNCH
From: philip.childs@3avenew.cts.com (Philip Childs)
Path: network.ucsd.edu!news.cerf.net!crash!3avenew!philip.childs
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <52.322.25.0N0F69F0@3avenew.cts.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 09:16:00 +0000
Organization: Third Avenue BBS 619/427-2943
Lines: 2
See you Friday at 11:30am.
Philip
[I sure hope he reserved enough tables.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Jul 93 9:51:35 PDT
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (UPI)
Subject: Lawyer testing high-rise window plunges to death
Newsgroups: clari.news.trouble,clari.news.canada
TORONTO (UPI) -- Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the
Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was ``one of
the best and brightest'' members of the 200-man association.
[I shudder to think about what some of the less bright lawyers in the
association might do. "Now watch as I demonstrate how good these
seatbelts are." Come to think of it, maybe we need more lawyers taking
an active role in testing... :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 93 13:35:02 CDT
From: mbraun@hydra.urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
To: spaf
>Andrew Wiles had finally proved Fermat's Last Theorem, a 365-year-old
>
>Yes, admittedly, there was rioting and vandalism last week during the
>celebration.
After achieving a cerebral milestone such as that, it is only reasonable
to expect a violent <ahem> aftermath. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 11 Jul 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: vato@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Ian Dickinson)
Subject: Microsoft hypocracy
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Quoted from the "Overheard" section of the April 1993 issue of "UnixWorld",
without permission, but that's funny based on the contents... :-)
Here's part of a letter UnixWorld received from Microsoft: "The library
at Microsoft has been receiving requests from employees for copies of
particular articles from [UnixWorld], and Microsoft would like to include
the publication in its list of approved publications for article
reproduction. We request that you sign this letter and consent to
Microsoft and its subsidiaries reproducing copies of selected articles
from the publication obtained from any source and in any format."
And the response from UnixWorld...
Sure, if we can do the same with your software.
Heh heh!
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jul 93 21:05:12 GMT
From: luhn@slcs.slb.com (James Luhn)
Subject: Microwave Ovens
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
Has anyone converted a microwave oven into a 2.4 ghz beacon? Seems like
it would mount nicely on a tower using the turntable as a rotator. Any help
would be appreciated. A WT Grant model conversion is preferred. Maybe
the timer could be used to turn the transmit on and off for satelites.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 93 16:43:42 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: more Microsoft (for YUCKS)
To: spaf
------- Forwarded Message
From: an anonymous corespondent
Subject: And you thought it was a joke...
Seattle's Saturday newspaper carried a front-page story about Bill
Gates' most recent traffic ticket. Rather than pay the $47 fine for
turning left against *three* "No Left Turn" signs, he had his
lawyers challenge the legality of the sign! And not only that sign;
they asked the city to prove it has the legal right to post any
traffic signs!! Can you believe it. The challenge didn't work, but
the city was so slow about proving the signs okay--it's not like
they do it every day--the traffic judge dismissed the ticket.
So next time you hear something about MS in jest, think twice.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 93 17:41:27 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: new age hacking
To: various
takes me back to my ol' artificial emotion lab days (usually known
as "science club") (down on the 4th floor though)
------- Forwarded Message
[lots of forwards deleted...]
Received: by august (4.1/AI-4.10) id AA08875; Fri, 23 Apr 93 12:46:37 EDT
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 93 12:46:37 EDT
Message-Id: <9304231646.AA08875@august>
To: all-ai
Subject: GSB Friday, April 23, 5:30 pm, seventh floor playroom
SYMPOSIUM AND WORKSHOP
Robert Sly, Ph.D.
Healing, Hacking, Loving:
Finding and Empowering Your Inner Luser
Every program you write is a sacred program. But many young hackers,
especially, have lost touch with the rituals and timeless archetypes
that bind them to other hackers in a tradition stretching back through
the decades. These symbols -- motifs, sacred objects, songs and
archetypes -- can help us ground negative energy associated with
hacking and bind us together in a holistic framework with the
applications we build, the systems we work with, and our user
communities.
Sitting in isolated offices, working on small, poorly-designed systems
that sit on our desks, many of us have never understood or felt
connected to those sacred dimensions of experience that characterized
ancient hacking -- the triple rainbow cycle of development, the path
to the machine room, the banishing of losers from the system console.
Robert Sly, Ph.D., will lead the participants in this workshop on a
shamanic journey to their own inner machine rooms. Typing at our
inner system consoles, we will each find and load our own personal
symbol tables, very carefully patch our running systems, and proceed
in an experience of transcendent renewal.
Robert Sly, Ph. D., is an expert on Apollonian and Dionysian
traditions of hacking who has read The New Hacker's Dictionary,
memorized several of the definitions, and occasionally sent mail to
UNIX-HATERS. But he won't be at this week's
G I R L S C O U T B E N E F I T
at 5:30pm today in the seventh floor playroom, so we're safe! Come on
down, drink beer, and meditate until your personal power application
appears to you in a vision.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 93 10:47:13 EDT
From: The Dining Philosopher <kclark@ctron.com>
Subject: Pasta code (yucks submission)
To: spaf
[Got from a friend]
Transcribed from the November-December 1992 issue of the Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory Software Engineering Newsletter.
The mention of ``a feast of spaghetti code'' [``Computer Collectives,''
CrossTalk, April/May 1992] prompted this response by Raymond J. Rubey
SofTech, Inc., Fairborn, OH.
``Nearly every software professional has heard of the term spaghetti code
as a pejorative description for complicated, difficult-to-understand, and
impossible-to-maintain, software. However, many people may not know the
other two elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple,
understandable, and layered structure. Lasagna code, although
structured, is unfortunately monolithic and not easy to modify. An
attempt to change one layer, while conceptually simple, is often
difficult in actual practice.
The ideal software structure is one having components that are small
and loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In
ravioli code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing
some meat or other nourishment for the system; any component can be
modified or replaced without significantly affecting other components.
We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code and to the
active encouragement of ravioli code.''
[Me and a few friends deadlocked last night while eating ravioli... (-: -kevin]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1993 15:01:34 GMT
From: edu!uab!dpo!uabdpo!gila005 (Stephen Holland)
Subject: pet-borne illness
Newsgroups: sci.med
In article <BZS.93Jul16010349@world.std.com>, bzs@world.std.com (Barry
Shein) wrote:
>
> From: market@henson.cc.wwu.edu (T. J. Olney)
> > I'm a writer in SF and doing a column on diseases you can get from your
> >pets. Are there any physicians out there that have interesting experience
> >with an ailment that turned out to be pet-borne?
>
> Don't parrots carry psitticosis?
>
> Lessee...cat-scratch disease, meningitis from pigeons, equine
> encephalitis (tho I guess you need a mosquito or similar in between),
> howsabout rabies? No? Um, salmonella from improper handling of your
> former pet before dinner?
>
> I'm not a physician by any means, but I don't think it's a very exotic
> idea.
Toxoplasmosis from cat excrement. Hepatitis from your children coming
home from day care, not to mention other minor infections. Gonorrhea
from your pet sheep.
[Actually, I had a friend tell me a story about how syphilis appears
to have originally been a disease of goats. During the 1500's, as
ocean-going vessels travelled farther afield, it was found that taking
along she-goats for the milk helped prevent some vitamin-deficiency
diseases. However, the longer they were away from port, the better
the goats looked to the crew. Eventually, a few voyages were long
enough that the disease made the ...er... transition. Syphilis
evidently made its first huge human outbreak in Marseilles. That's
why it was known as the "French Disease" to much of the world to this
very day.
It may well be false, but every French ship of any size still has at
least one ch\`evre on board. (I hope I remembered enough French so
that was actually a (im)proper pun.) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home."
-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
Convention, 1977
[Yet another reason people are going "Digital who?" these days. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 May 93 19:30:02 EDT
From: pw0l+@andrew.cmu.edu (Paul Christopher Workman)
Subject: ronald macdonald
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I should state that Ronald MacDonald is probably a registered
trademark of the MacDonald's Restaurant Corporation of
America or something.
I recently saw an advertisement for MacDonalds. In it, a young
girl is talking to Ronald MacDonald. The setting is somewhere
in North America, most likely, judging from the accents and
scenery. The girl says she's running away to MacDonaldLand,
and Ronald says, "MacDonaldland? That's where I'm from."
Suddenly, it all made sense. Why is Ronald MacDonald, the
grotesquely made-up and attired being, so far from MacDonaldland,
the only place where he could fit in? Obviously, he's in exile.
A few years ago in MacDonaldLand, Mayor McCheese, having grown
paranoid and megalomaniacal in his years secluded in his
mayoral residence, declared a state of emergency. He rationalized
this act by pointing out increased felonious activities by the
Hamburgler, and obliquely referring to rumors that those French-Fry
Weasels (whose names I forget) were carrying some sort of disease.
Mayor McCheese's brother, the police officer with a similarly
hamburger-shaped head (whose name I also forget), rounded up the
Hamburgler, the Hamburgler's family, business associates of the
Hamburgler, the French-Fry Weasels, and any life forms in MacDonaldLand
who veered too much from basic hamburger-humanoid form. These
purges were justified by a new theory of eugenics, which stated that
large, round, flat heads with lettuce in them are signs of a higher
form of life, a sort of Hamburgerubermensch, who were divinely
granted sole political power of MacDonaldLand. Obviously, Ronald
MacDonald, not being a Hamburgerubermensch, did not fit it, and yet
the people would not accept his execution, since he was beloved by
all and besides his great-grandfather, Helmut MacDonald, founded
MacDonaldLand, so instead of being killed or forced to work in the
salt mines with the other victims of the purges or being ground
into a paste and turned into Big Macs for sale abroad, he was exiled
to the United States, due to the friendly relations the United States
had always had with MacDonaldLand, a result of the tireless efforts of
the US Ambassador to MacDonaldLand, Ray A. Kroc.
But then, why would Ronald MacDonald just casually try to talk
the young girl out of running away to MacDonaldLand, instead of
sternly warning her against the dangers there? Obviously, he
harbors a great resentment against Americans. Perhaps he is
angry that we did not intervene and stop the human rights abuses
perpetrated by Mayor McCheese (after all, the declaration of
a state of emergency did happen during the Reagan Presidency),
or perhaps he's just a snob. "Stupid Americans!" he mutters
to himself at night, as he sits at his formica table while drinking
cheap coffee and reading the only MacDonaldLand-language newspaper
printed in the U.S., "they dress like fools! Drab colors...no
bright yellow smocks or oversized red shoes...and like barbarians,
they do not paint their faces! When I show them the sign of
the arches, they stare at me as if I'd gone mad! Were they
educated with pigs?" Late at night, he hangs around the mini-
playgrounds built outside of MacDonald's franchises. "It is,
so little," he whispers, before taking a swig of bourbon from
a bottle he thinks he's hiding in a paper bag, "but it reminds
me of home."
[It's not clear from this who exactly has been in the MacBourbon, but
I don't think it was Ronald. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 93 11:34:32 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: South Central Llama Assoc Conference
To: spaf
[ Here's an event I'm sure the Yucks readers will not want to miss! - DJB ]
1993 South Central Llama Association Conference
July 30 - August 1, 1993
Wyndham Hotel I-35 at Ben White Blvd. Austin, TX
Schedule of Events:
Friday July 30: 6 PM - 8 PM Registration and Poolside Reception
Saturday July 31: 7:30 AM Registration and Continental Breakfast
8:15 AM Welcome/Introductions
8:30 AM Adult Seminars begin
Youth Showmanship Seminar begins
8:45 AM Breeding Seminar
9:15 AM Mamma & Cria-Keep It Natural
9:45 AM Barns and Fences
10:45 AM Vet Panel Discussion
Youth Obstacle Seminar
12-1:15 PM Lunch on Your Own
1:30 PM First-time Llama Buying
2:00 PM Selling Llamas off the Ranch & at Auction
2:30 PM Show Judging: What, Why & How?
3:30 PM Going to a Show-What to Bring, What to Do &
How to Have Fun
4:15-4:45 PM First Raffle
6:30 PM Cash Bar
7:00 PM Banquet
Sunday August 1: 7:30 AM Continental Breakfast
8:00 AM SCLA Business Meeting
9:30 AM Grooming Seminar
10:00 AM Shearing: For Heat and Show
10:30 AM Ultrasound Seminar
11:30 - Noon Raffle and Wrap-up Party
Conference Cost: $85.00 per adult / $20.00 per youth
Includes all scheduled meals, seminars,
and Conference Notebook.
[If any of you attend "First-time Llama Buying," will you please
post a trip report to this list? Thanks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Jul 93 9:16:53 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: What is the difference...
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
Jan Falcona said...
|
|Q: what is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft
|Computer company?
|
|
|A: one is a high-tech theme park filled with dinosaurs, and the
|other is a steven spielberg movie.
|
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------