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Yucks Digest V3 #27 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 10 Aug 93 Volume 3 : Issue 27
Today's Topics:
An Earie Story
At 29, they tell me I have Spina Bifida! Any comments?
At USC we take Darwinism seriously.....
biff, kermit, su, len & dot (was Re: speaking of cats and vets...)
cutie (2 msgs)
Doctors
Enormous Fucking Con Trick ....
etsee, etc. (was Re: kluge vs. kludge)
even with misspellings this is funny...
Fishing for surfers
Future TV
girls available via email
here's the FAQ!!!
HUGE KNIFE SWITCH WANTED
I love mainframes & their great software
interview
Mozart-engineered sake
pass the ketchup
QOTD
Quote of the day
smoldering horsemeat
Strategic Query - Fencing the Great Unwashed.
technical awareness and elephants
Texas - where life and justice are cheap
The Greatest Record Ever Made, this week
voltaire
Warning labels (fwd)
Yucks Digest V3 #26 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 93 12:02:01 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: An Earie Story
To: spaf
NOTW - In April, The Sun newspaper in London reported that machinist
Craig Eames, who had recently experienced constant, painful earaches,
was completely cured when doctors removed a pregnant spider that had
been nesting in his ear. Eames reportedly now wears earplugs when he
sleeps, to prevent another incident, and has grown fond of the spider,
which he retained as a pet.
[ As a sick child, Craig broke the world record for receiving the
most postcards, which still arrive by the bagfull. :-) -- Dave ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 93 12:58:25 EDT
From: Dr. T. Andrews <gatech!cdis-1.compu.com!tanner>
Subject: At 29, they tell me I have Spina Bifida! Any comments?
To: lc2b+@andrew.cmu.edu
) we found about 20 cases of people over 65 who apparently died
) of anencephaly.
It happens. When our current School Board dies, you may reasonably
expect to find five more cases.
[How many dead people to a case? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 04 Aug 1993 16:54:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: tackett@ipld01.hac.com (Walter Alden Tackett)
Subject: At USC we take Darwinism seriously.....
To: genetic-programming@cs.stanford.edu
[... relevant & meaningful information deleted ...]
....on to my own case, I turned my dissertation proposal in (now that
2/3 of the research is done it's about time to see if they'll let me do
it, right?), and quals are set for next Thursday (the 12th). While
doing so i heard that one of my committee members was carjacked on the
110 Freeway as he left school on Monday. After getting out of the car,
he was pistol whipped with the butt of the assailant's shotgun, which
pissed him off, so he attacked the guy & in the struggle shot half
the assailant's leg off.
I just hope he likes GP, or i could be in physical danger....
["Pistol whipped with the butt of a shotgun"? How picturesque! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1993 21:06:57 GMT
From: cgw@unt.edu (christopher williams)
Subject: biff, kermit, su, len & dot (was Re: speaking of cats and vets...)
Newsgroups: unt.general,alt.prose,comp.unix.shell
[This won't be very understandable to the Unix illiterate. That may or
may not make it amusing. --spaf]
Non unt.general readers: I have a cat named Perl, and a co-worker has a
cat named Awk (which I found, and gave to her). The following is a thread
started by my co-worker, about vets in Denton... anyway, just read on.
-cgw-
In <oauld.743741590@ponder> oauld@ponder.csci.unt.edu (Orion Auld) writes:
>In <1993Jul27.022106.11710@mercury.unt.edu> ian@ponder.csci.unt.edu (Ian Parberry) writes:
>>In article <drl.743716852@sol> drl@sol.acs.unt.edu (Dianna Laakso) writes:
>>> ... my kitten, Awk ...
>>A cat named Awk? I've wanted for a while to name a parrot Awk.
>>But all of my birds named themselves. None of them liked Awk.
>I had a parrot who talked all the time. We called him yacc.
>I had a friend named CC. He would always do really stupid things all the
>time. We just stood there in amazement. "G,CC" we sed to him. "Man, oh
>man." We tried to Make him stop but we couldn't. He always gave us the
>finger.
biff xname su. su sed "su!". biff profile su. biff flex. su stat biff.
biff getdate su. biff & kermit plot....
biff & su view play.
biff touch su's tty. "awk!" sed su. kermit join biff, grab su. kermit
unzip. buff & kermit shar su. biff filter su's curves. kermit face su &
squeeze su. biff lock su. kermit top su. su sed "halt!" biff & su &
kermit roll. su sed "help! help!". biff & kermit kibitz, getactive
su. "ripem! ripem!" sed su! su clock biff head & crash kermit. su blowup,
bash & shutdown biff & kermit. sleep.
sleep 3600; fg. talk spell, split view. "leaveok", sed su. biff &
kermit pack, leave.
su pine man. archie intro len. su thought, "nice profile!"
len getdate su. su answer "yes!". len & su canvas.
len ask su last date. su close, remote. "issecure?" ask len.
su read len face. su open, "biff snake." sed su.
su thought "test len." "len, quiz quota?", sed su. len puzzle, sed
"200k". su select len!
sleep 2678400; fg. len ask su "join apropos?" su & len setlocale
church. sysadm join su & len, rename. su & len setlocale bahamas,
tangle.
len & su fork() && sleep 23328000. su eject newobj. su & len xname
newobj 'dot'. "beep beep beep" buzz dot! "beep beep!". len banner "IT'S A
GIRL!"
sleep infinity && exit(1);
-c "is THIS why they say to read all the manpages?" w-
note: all the words in the above story are in sol's manpages,
Except for: church, sysadm, and bahamas. (and the args to 'banner')
note: converting sleep's args to days, or months might make the
story make more sense.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 93 04:31:04 EDT (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
[This is an oldie, but it has not previously appeared in Yucks. --spaf]
Contributed by: sortac!jabbo
How to tell a Republican from a Democrat:
(Published in the Congressional Record, Oct 1, 1974 by Rep Craig
Holsmer [R-Cal]. Quoted from "The Official Rules" edited by Paul
Dickson.)
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them
as a group.
Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced
in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their
paint brushes.
Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports
figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named
after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not
successful. Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats
raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them
on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans
follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
-----
Will Rogers once said:
"I belong to no organized political party. I'm a Democrat."
------------------------------
Date: 6 Aug 93 04:30:52 EDT (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: aesat!jalsop
Back in WW II, there was a young American pilot called Bill,
who used to fly various secret missions in the Pacific theater.
He always flew with his best friend, Art, who was his radar
operator. Art was quite famous at the airbase in Hawaii,
because he was always tinkering with novel radar design
techniques, and had actually come up with some significant
contributions to the state-of-the-art.
In early '45, Bill and Art were sent on a mission to test some
of Art's newest radar devices, which were intended to generate
easily recognizable reflections whenever they were "scanned"
by a regular radar beam. After a few hours in the air, their
plane developed engine trouble, and it became clear that they
were not going to make it back to their base. They made a
forced landing in the ocean, and hurried to get out of the
airplane before it sank. Bill inflated his lifejacket, and
jumped into the sea. He turned around and saw that Art's
lifejacket would not inflate. A strong wind was rapidly blowing
the plane away and with a sinking feeling, Bill realized that
he might never see Art again.
After drifting for three days, Bill was picked up by a passing
destroyer, and was returned shortly to his base. Despite a
prolonged search, no sign of Art or the downed aircraft was
found.
After the war, Bill became a commercial pilot for Pan-Am, and
in early 1982, was assigned to fly the Hawaii-Tokyo route. On
his second run, Bill was dozing off somewhere over the Pacific,
when he was awakened by his second officer. "Look, sir", his
assistant said, "We're picking up some very strange reflections
on the radar from one of those islands down there".
Bill examined the 'scope closely, and realized there was
something familiar about the reflections, which triggered some
dim memory from the distant past. He studied the screen
intensely for several moments, dredging his memory for clues to
the meaning of those vaguely familiar patterns.
"Oh my God", he suddenly exclaimed, "it's Radars of the Lost
Art!".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 20:34:34 EDT
From: Scott Dorsey <kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov>
Subject: Doctors
To: eniac
About a year ago, due to changes in my company insurance, I was forced
to go onto an HMO and change from the doctor I had used for twelve years to
a new doctor. Considering that I have had a 102' fever for a week now, I
figured I would take the afternoon off and see how this new doctor was.
Old Doctor New Doctor
Has a desk drawer with lots of Uses some kind of antigen test for
petri dishes filled with horse throat cultures with results ready
blood tossed into it, for doing within a few minutes.
throat cultures.
Seems overly concerned with when Seems overly concerned with whether
I am going to get married. I am bisexual.
Autoclaves his own glass syringes. Uses disposable plastic syringes.
Gives everyone free samples from Gives everyone huge amounts of paperwork
drug companies. to get prescriptions filled.
Has latent malaria, like myself. Had never seen a patient with latent
malaria before.
Does his own accounts and lab Has an eight-person staff.
work.
Has a cat in his office. Has no cat hair in his examining room.
Borrowed my Merck index and never Never borrowed anything.
returned it.
Is convinced that everyone is far Is convinced that everyone is far
more healthy than they think. more sick than than they think.
Tells you to take a thermometer Has a nurse with some kind of fancy
out of the box and take your own digital thermometer.
temperature.
Has been the county coroner since Has not even been alive since 1956.
1956.
Recommends asprin for everything. Claims asprin is dangerous and
recommends advil for everything instead.
Makes good pasta. Pasta quality unknown.
On the whole, I prefer the old doctor.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:03:13 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Enormous Fucking Con Trick ....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
>From the regular feature, "Michael Coren's Diary" in FRANK magazine,
Issue 147, Aug. 5, 1993.
Michael Coren's contribution to Canada's latest artistic furor:
"Off to the National Gallery to peruse the Canadian public's latest
artistic purchase, a canvas by Mark Rothko entitled 'No. 16' and
bought for the highly reasonable price of $1.8 million. The picture
consists of a square of white paint surrounded by some red paint.
Yet, before the proletarian masses vomit their ignorance and
philistinism at we art lovers, it might be worth instructing the
unwashed in what this picture is really about. Its original title
was 'Enormous Fucking Con Trick Played on the Stupid Bourgeois
Cretins Who Run and Ruin the Fine Arts', and is actually part of
a much greater and larger work aimed at revolutionizing perception
and understanding. I suppose this will go above the heads of
ordinary people - how tiresome they are."
[Some people should probably explore suicide as an art form.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:31:42 GMT
From: cs92njc@brunel.ac.uk (Nik Clayton)
Subject: etsee, etc. (was Re: kluge vs. kludge)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
In article <1993Aug5.132527.11528@news.eng.convex.com> faught@convex.com (Danny R. Faught) writes:
>In article <1993Aug5.001049.17326@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> crosby@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (Matthew Crosby) writes:
>>Yeah, but then there will be huge flame wars about whether to pronounce, say,
>>inode 100 "One hundred" or "One zero zero", with the obligatory intercultural
>>arguments about "zero" or "naught".
>
>And that will be the case as long as people continue to communicate
>with each other in analog. When we get switched over to digital, this
>will be easy!
>
>Hmmm...what protocol should we use? (okay, maybe it won't be easy).
I don't have it on this system, but on my home machine is a file purporting
to be a memo to the programmers at IBM. It basically explains that to aid the
pronounciation of binary digits a new system is to be adopted, thus,
0 = Nun
1 = Wun
10 = Wunty
11 = Wunty Wun
100 = Wundred
101 = Wundred Wun
110 = Wundred Winty
111 = Wundred Wunty Wun
and so on. The memo goes on to note that while this was fine for small
numbers, problems may be encountered when working on 40 bit machines... B-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 93 16:01:13 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: even with misspellings this is funny...
To: gordon@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, ron@qasun.nde.swri.edu, tom@qasun.nde.swri.edu
> From: Jon Luckey <luckey@rtfm.mlb.fl.us>
> Subject: Natural Disasters as Puns
>
> Operation Rescue gruppenfuher and ardent antiabortionist Randel
> Terry has said that the floods in the midwest are the result of
> God's wraith over 20 years of legal abortion in America.
>
>
> Now while the idea does seem bizzare, I'll give him one thing.
>
> Everyday along the Missippi, there are hundreds of people considering the
> the decision of 'Row verses Wade'.
[Randel Terry is also pretty funny, except that he has people who agree
with his very extremist positions. He was also quoted in the newspaper
as saying that AIDS is God's punishment for homosexuality. I wonder
for what offense God is punishing us with Randel Terry? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: eedwpz@aachen.ericsson.se (Walter P. Zaehl)
Subject: Fishing for surfers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard from a friend who heard it from a friend who works in a
reanimation center --
Two men are fishing at a lake that is also used by windsurfers.
Of course the surfers disturb the fish, and this annoys the
fishermen.
After some time, when another surfer passes them, one of the
fishermen picks up a stone and throws it at the surfer. He hits
the surfer's head, and the surfer falls from the board and sinks
immediately.
When he doesn't appear again, the two decide to rescue him. So
they row to the place where the surfer drowned and one of them
strips and jumps into the water. When he comes up again, he
brings a lifeless body with him, and they heave it into the
boat. Since the body doesn't show any signs of life, one of the
fishermen start to give him the 'kiss of life'.
After the first puff of air he gasps, "Man, this guy's really got
bad breath!"
The other one takes a closer look and asks very quietly,
"Are you sure the one you hit wore skates?"
[A "reanimation center"? If this where they take old, tired cartoons?
Or is this something more like an H.P. Lovecraft story? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: BREEDON@kekvax.kek.jp (Richard Breedon)
Subject: Future TV
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
TV for Tuesday, 16 April 1999, 8 pm, Ch. 9 LET FREEDOM WRING (Comedy/Drama)
Frustrated and bored by the lack of a clear scientific goal, the eight, or
possibly four, astronauts on Space Station Freedom set up a mock TV game show
and take turns trying to guess the cost of various on-board components. The
monotony is broken by an order from OSHA requiring that a wheel-chair ramp be
constructed on the docking port, or NASA may no longer accept Federal funds.
Special guest star: President Dan Quayle, on his way to Mars.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 93 10:47:23 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: girls available via email
To: spaf (Yucks List)
|Are you want to find out russian female for marriage, or simple
|for penpales? Send me what you want. Many girls available via
|post, express post, e-mail, phone, aotomatic ads server, VHS
|movies and so on.
Girls via email? Amazing what the MIME technology has already
gotten us - email order brides! Two thoughts, though.
First of all, my workstation has no provision for matter reassembly.
How much disk space would Olga need? I assume Olga Korbut consumes
less than Olga the Tractor Mechanic. Is it hard on them spinning
around out there until they get output? What prevents me from
just outputting numerous copies?
To get through gateways they would have to be split and recombined.
If someone uses a braindead split method, and a part gets lost or
damaged on the way, who is liable for the resultant lawsuit?
"Nyet! I tell you I was a 38D with two normal arms when I got
in that stupid PC in Kyrunchograd! And now look at me, one arm
missing, and a 31A! And what about my hair? I'm sure I had some!"
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jul 1993 18:50:10 -0700
From: aumentad@phakt.usc.edu (SUPERGROVER)
Subject: here's the FAQ!!!
Newsgroups: alt.punk
THE frequently asked question.
Q: What's punk?
A: FUCK YOU.
------------------------------
Date: 4 Aug 93 16:37:24 GMT
From: rps@cray.com (Russell P. Starksen)
Subject: HUGE KNIFE SWITCH WANTED
Newsgroups: sci.electronics
Does anyone know where I can find a 12" X 6" or so size knife switch?
I want to use it to isolate my ground from a 400' tower when my equipment
is not being used. I'm using a 6" ribbon cable which is going to ground
and would like the switch between the Ground plane and my equipment.
Are there other types switches that are readily available that can provide
for a large contact area?
This 400' tower seems to attract a lot of lightening.
Dr. Frankenstein had a bunch of knife switches, but hasn't gotten
back to me. He thought it was strange that I wanted to do the opposite
of what he was doing. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 93 11:36:23 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: I love mainframes & their great software
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Perhaps the LISTSERV program is the real culprit behind all the
twitular postings from PSU? Is there no BIFF????!!!?>??
BITNET list server at PSUVM said...
|From PSUVM.PSU.EDU!LISTSERV@cs.utexas.edu Mon Jul 26 15:54:34 1993
|Message-Id: <9307262034.AA28285@cs.utexas.edu>
|Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1993 16:35:50 -0400
|From: BITNET list server at PSUVM (1.7f) <LISTSERV@psuvm.psu.edu>
|Subject: Output of your job "meo"
|To: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
|
|> Happy end of July!
|Unknown command - "HAPPY". Try HELP.
|
|> I am investigating prehistoric swimming pools in hitherto
|Too many arguments specified - maximum is 1.
|
|> unexplored parts of the Country Of Texas until Monday,
|Unknown command - "UNEXPLORED". Try HELP.
|
|> August 1, 1993.
|Unknown command - "AUGUST". Try HELP.
|
|> In an emergency, you may leave a message for me at Pencom
|Too many arguments specified - maximum is 1.
|
|> in Austin at 1-512-343-6666.
|Too many arguments specified - maximum is 1.
|
|> -Miles (if Texas secedes, I'll make the celebration!)
|Unknown command - "-MILES". Try HELP.
|
|> What constitutes an emergency? Dave Barry's defection to
|Unknown command - "WHAT". Try HELP.
|
|> El Salvador. Plagues of lawyers. Friends being eaten by
|Unknown command - "EL". Try HELP.
|
|> space aliens. My CDs being infested with a Barry Manilow
|Unknown command - "SPACE". Try HELP.
|
|All subsequent commands have been flushed.
|
|Summary of resource utilization
|-------------------------------
| CPU time: 0.014 sec Device I/O: 0
| Overhead CPU: 0.013 sec Paging I/O: 0
| CPU model: 3090 DASD model: 3380
|
[I recently got a similar barf to my vacation message. I really hate
LISTSERV software. I do note, though, that at the mention of Barry
Manilow, it flushed the rest of your mail. How discerning. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Aug 1993 00:48:19 GMT
From: lost in editing
Subject: interview
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <23s42q$t8u@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu> mgmam@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu (Mark A. Morrell) writes:
In article <23rl2c$21e@titan.ucs.umass.edu>
zgilbert@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Zvi Gilbert) writes:
>Does this mean that the percentage of loser moron spewhead
>sexually-insecure asswipe lame juvenile puerile butt-faced republican
>socially-inept freak boring impotent homophobic stupid fuckwits is
>higher than normal?
HEY! Watch who you're calling republican!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1993 10:35:32 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mozart-engineered sake
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
The following material is copied verbatim from the Asahi News Service
of Tokyo. It has not been edited or changed in any way.
"TOKYO -- Do bread or noodles whose raw materials have been exposed to
the music of Beethoven or Vivaldi taste any better than conventional ones?
That's the latest pitch from food makers trying to make a big hit in a
stagnant market.
The theory behind these classical music-assisted products is that while
humans relax by listening to the music, enzyme and yeast-fungus activity
becomes livelier at the sound of classical music, manufacturers explain.
Udon, or wheat noodles made with classical music in the background will
be put on sale in supermarkets in September ...
[stuff left out]
Ohara Brewery in Kitakata City, in Fukushima Prefecture in northern Japan,
has made sake against a background of Mozart music for the past five years.
Its researchers found that Mozart makes the density of yeast used for
brewing sake about 10 times higher than normal.
They have also tried the music of Saburo Kitajima, a veteran Japanese
singer, and Beethoven, but Mozart brought the best result. Ohara now
has a special category of sake, known as ginjo-shu (a high-quality sake),
which has been highly evaluated in sake competitions.
[stuff left out]
The frequency of vibration from music seems to affect the growth ..., a
company spokesman said."
[I shudder to think of the impact this will have on US TV advertising.
"Based on Japanese research, we ship a ZZ Top CD with every tube of
Monistat 7...." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 9 Aug 1993 21:20:02 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: pass the ketchup
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <1993Aug9.194455.5684@ennews.eas.asu.edu> mikey@asu.edu (Mike McEwin) writes:
>tviinikk@uoguelph.ca (Taisto Viinikka) writes:
>|
>| Just because you're not the only one doesn't mean you can get away with
>| it. It doesn't mean that I and my fellow radical vegans won't descend
>| around your dwelling in the cool dawn air, our hang-gliders whispering
>| slick threats, and make good our vow to disarm all those who would consume
>| flesh, be that flesh fowl or friend.
>
>You and all your fellow Vogon poetry reading, Mad
>Max rejects don't frighten me, Tai. Even your sly
>mentioning of dawn has little to no effect.
When we were in high school, Barbara and I decided that one should never
eat anything that they were not themselves willing to kill.
Today, Barbara is a strict vegetarian and I own a surplus Chinese sniper
rifle. We have both held firmly to this ideal, albeit in different ways.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:35:50 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
[This is one of the "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, I believe. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
PENISES OF THE
ANIMAL KINGDOM
Comparative anatomy chart (23" x 35") depicts the male copulatory
organs of several animals, from man to whale. Features the
finger-like appendage of the porpose penis, the extended urethra of
the giraffe, and many other genitological oddities. A lithograph of
rare quality suitable for framing and display, the poster includes an
insert of descriptive text to complement the graphics. Whether used
as an educational resource, decoration for home or office, or unique
gift, 'Penises of the Animal Kingdom' will provide many hours of
fascination and enjoyment. To order: Send $8.95 + $2 for P & H to
Scientific Novelty Co., Box 673-K, Bloomington, IN 47402. Please
allow two weeks for delivery.
-- from classified ads section of Harper's Magazine, August 1993
[Sort of makes you glad that Yucks is not yet MIME-capable, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 8 Aug 1993 01:57:14 GMT
From: crisper@cats.ucsc.edu (Crisper Than Thou)
Subject: smoldering horsemeat
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
lbentley@mail.sas.upenn.edu (Lija Bentley) writes:
>
> That was the last time I had the stomach to eat the meat. We had
>just dissected a fetal cat, offering post mortem abortion to 4 kittens,
>and I got a little grossed out. Oh, the intensity of science. No wonder
>so may people turn to the dryness and peace of the computer.
In my tenth-grade Electronics class, we dissected a fetal XT. The
ozone stench burned my eyes and nostrils, despite the assistance of
the chemical hood and ventilator. Through teary eyes, I peered
close as my lab partner reached in with forceps and, pulling the fan
back out of the way, revealed the ribbed surface of the internal
boards. I choked back, gagging, as the stink rose from its innards.
I could almost hear its little voice crying "why did you disconnect
me? why?" and my mind's eye envisioned a herd of happy little XTs--
XTs just like the one on the table could have grown up to become--
joyously grazing on 8-bit numbers and four-color graphics. I could
take it no longer. I fled the lab, revulsed and confused, and I have
not dared to work on a computer since.
------------------------------
Date: 4 Aug 93 18:51:05 GMT
From: spurrett@superbowl.und.ac.za (David Spurrett - PG)
Subject: Strategic Query - Fencing the Great Unwashed.
Newsgroups: rec.sport.fencing
Greetings all!
What must be a near universal problem for a fencer of intermediate
experience (and even more in some cases) is the incredible uphill
of fencing either a highly strung beginner, or a fast and crazed,
but in the end _bad_, fencer.
I think the main problem (it's worse with foil and sabre where the
rules of phrasing should be in play) is that the above types of
fencer are unpredictable in the extreme.
With heroic concentration I can generally slay the scum, although
they can cause occasional upsets. What I would like to know is
what suggestions anyone has regarding strategy for fencing in this
type of situation? Tips for all weapons, although as I said foil
and sabre are where it's at its worst.
If anyone has a useful _analysis_ of the common forms of psycho-
fencing (such as the prevalence of monster-parries) that would
also be splendid.
[Brandishing a shotgun may help some. Chewing Alka-Seltzer to get a
good froth-at-the-mouth also helps. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Aug 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: bowe@osf.org
Subject: technical awareness and elephants
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Making the rounds at OSF this week:
President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical
awareness and interest in the sciences, asked the various major
computer companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing
project. The general theme was "Elephants".
The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and
Their Friend, the Mouse".
IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".
Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".
Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".
NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".
Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Aug 93 15:04:44 PDT
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Texas - where life and justice are cheap
To: yucks
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1993 23:46:33 -0400 (EDT)
From: KAUFMABL@UCBEH.SAN.UC.EDU
I thought people might enjoy this:
"Profiles in Courage" from the Progressive
Molly Ivins
"The seventy-third session of the Texas legislature is pretty much
typified by the following Warren Chisum story, Representative Chisum being the
Bible-thumping dwarf from Pampa who has added such je ne sais quoi to the
proceedings this year.
"The Texas Senate had a rare moment of courage early in the session
when it voted to remove homosexual sodomy from the revised version of the penal
code. All were astonished. There vision made its way over to the House, where
Chisum promptly rose and introduced an amendment to reinstate the damn thing.
The Housies were afraid everyone would think they were queer if the didn't vote
for Chisum's amendment, so they did.
"Then some scholar explained to Chisum that unless he reinstated the
ban on heterosexual sodomy as well, the law would be declared unconstitutional.
So Chisum promptly got up and did just that.
"Whereupon we had one of the more bizarre debates in the history of the
Lege, with assorted avant-garde members rising at the back mike to say,
approximately, 'Uh, Warren, uh, suppose I am in bed with my lawfully wedded
spouse and I, like, kind of misaim and wind up in the wrong hole. You don't
want to send me to prison for that, do you?'
"Chisum would stoutly reply, 'Yes, I do. It's against nature and the
Bible.'
"So the Housis were afraid everyone would think they were perverts if
they didn't vote for it, and they did. Chisum then shook hands with his ally,
Talmadge Heflin of Houston, in celebration of this double triumph, and the
Speaker had to send the sergeant-at-arms over to reprimand them both.
"Because under Chisum's own amendments, it's illegal for a prick to
touch an asshole in this state."
------------------------------
Date: 9 Aug 1993 19:32:02 GMT
From: ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu (AjD)
Subject: The Greatest Record Ever Made, this week
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <CBHuLo.F8G@wetware.com> bc@wetware.com (monsieur HAINEUX) writes:
>a band nobody's heard of called Big Daddy. They've gone for the Big
>Prize, and covered Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band -- the entire
>album. Could be a real snoozer. But at $4.99, I'll throw the dice.
this cannot be a bad-record-size war, because i already concede.
but this album must be noted: "In the 20th Century Bag" by The 18th
Century Concepts. your more or less favorite hits of the sixties
arranged for a baroque ensemble with synth and electric guitar.
piccolo trumpets tootling "Eleanor Rigby", and harpsichords violins
and a snappy trap drum set boogyin' down to "Have You Seen Your
Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow". and more, more, monstrously
more.
from liner notes concocting a bizarre excuse for the album to the
photo on the cover of the sessionfolk wearing periwigs and lace, the
album is wretched on all accounts.
"Mike Curb, who plays the keyboard instruments, is the 20-year-old
executive director of Sidewalk Records, and famous film composer who
has done scores for such movies as 'Skaterdater,' 'The Wild Angels,'
and the soon to be released 'Mondo Hollywood.'"
Ohio is the locus of all bad music; its garage sales and fundraisers
ooze black vinyl pressed with horrible sounds.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 09:28:19 -0500
From: uunet!sgi.siemens.com!golub (JOSHUA GOLUB 708-304-7573)
Subject: voltaire
To: seinfeld@cpac.washington.edu
as long as we are on this voltaire thing, i just got the following
message from someone:
[blah, blah, blah.] that is my opinion, and i will defend to
your death my right to express it.
- joe voltaire
[This is, of course, the motto of the typical Usenet "free speech"
advocate. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:25:40 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.uml.edu>
Subject: Warning labels (fwd)
To: spaf
Got this from my brother today...
Forwarded message:
> Subject: Warning labels
> The latest IEEE Spectrum reprints some important new consumer safety
> labels, reproduced from J.I.R. Here are four of them.
>
> Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
> universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
> proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to
> the square of the distance between them.
>
> Handle with care: This product contains minute electrically charged
> particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles
> per hour.
>
> This is a 100% matter product: In the unlikely event that this
> merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic
> explosion will result.
>
> Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe including
> this product may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
> space. Should another universe subsequently emerge, the existence of
> this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
>
>
> ......hope this puts things into perspective!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 93 00:29:50 -0700
From: karn@qualcomm.com (Phil Karn)
Subject: Yucks Digest V3 #26 (shorts)
To: yucks
>Reminds me of an old trick that was played on me. There is a gentleman
>who is so angry at the stupidity of some Americans, specifically those
>not versed in telephone arcana, that he has set up an 800 line with
>recordings of jokes directed at that group. It's a 1-800 call, so it
>doesn't cost you anything to check it out:
> 1-800-IDIOT-I.Q.
>That number should work equally well from anywhere in the U.S. or Canada.
Well, gee, it doesn't seem to work for me. (My cell phone puts "Q" on the
"1" key).
[So, who did you reach at that number, Phil? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------