Yucks Digest V3 #24 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Tue,  6 Jul 93       Volume 3 : Issue  24 

Today's Topics:
                A counter-example to Wiles's proof ...
                           Blinking Babies
                           Bumper stickers
                 Clean Nukes for a Clean Environment!
                           Conspiracy alert
                           Don't cry to me!
                           Lemur Side Story
                   Library Disc To Be Sent To Mars
                  Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
                     Minivan Remote-Control Door
                       Of possible interest...
                      Quote of the day (3 msgs)
                   Re: U-Haul Horrors top-ten list
                     Some Linux problems---solved
                     So they used Kermit's DNA...
                             Ten windows?
              the chihuahua eaten by the eagle in Alaska
                    the golden ratio strikes again
                      This is not a chain letter
                          Virus Alert Update

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: July 5, 1993
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucksters

Well, I'll take a certain amount of administrative license here
to pass along some information.  It sort of fits the Yucks criteria: 
it is something unusual, and it is amusing to many people.

Elizabeth Kathleen Heaphy Spafford (likely a.k.a., Beth Spafford) was
born in Lafayette at 4:09 PM on June 29th, weighing in at 3035 grams
and 49 centimeters (for the metrically-impaired, that's 6 lbs. 11 oz,
and 19.25 in).  Beth clearly favors her mother, being blonde,
blue-eyed, and obviously humanoid.  Like her father, however, she
appears to like extended naps.

Beth and her mom and dad are all well and trying to cope with the
interesting new changes to life this all entails.  I'm sure this will
give me yet another source of bizarre stories.  Like why she seems to
dirty her diaper every time her father picks her up.... I certainly
hope she outgrows *that* little habit!


Date: 28 Jun 93 05:23:39 GMT
From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold)
Subject: A counter-example to Wiles's proof ...
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet

[In case you've been hiding under a rock: it looks like Fermat's Last
Theorem has been proven.  From sci.math.]

David G. Caraballo (carabalo@phoenix.Princeton.EDU) wrote:
> The proof cannot be correct, because, according to "Star Trek:  The Next
> Generation" Fermat's Last Theorem was still unproven in their time, so, in
> particular, it cannot be proven this century.  Q.E.D.    


Date: Sun, 27 Jun 93 19:30:03 EDT
From:  w.johnson@ctrg.rri.uwo.ca (Wayne Johnson)
Subject: Blinking Babies
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

A friend was telling Cherie, my wife, about a child born at the local
hospital with an unusual birth defect.  She explained that this new
child, a baby boy who was otherwise normal, was born without eyelids.

"How terrible," replied Cherie, feeling quite sorry for the child,
"he'll never be able to blink.  

"It's very sad", replied the friend, "his eyes are constantly
irritated, and he has to sleep with them open."  

By this time Cherie was most upset, feeling very, very sorry for
this little boy.  "Isn't there anything they can do for them?" she asked.

"As a matter of fact, the doctors plan to circumcise him and use the
foreskin to build eyelids."  she replied.  "It's quite amazing what
they can do these days, isn't it?"

The conversation continued, my wife feeling greater and greater
symphathy for both the child and his parents with every minute. 
Finally, the friend (I assume not being able to keep a straight face
any longer) dropped the line:

   "Ya, you've really got to feel sorry for the kid, he's gonna be
    cock-eyed for the rest of his life...."


Date: Tue, 6 Jul 93 14:51:48 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Bumper stickers
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)

Steve Sanford, Jr. said...
Here's a list of bumper-sticker sayings that was printed in
the Denver Post today (the paper had previously requested that readers call
in with their favorites).  They're of varying degrees of humor, and I admit
to censoring out some that were just plain distasteful (like "Nuke Gay
Whales for Jesus").

Some are pretty funny, though.


Making fun of New Age:

  "Visualize Whirled Peas"
  "Visualize ...  Using Your Turn Signal"

Gay rights:

  "God Created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"

Politics/ other-party-bashing:

  "Impeach the Clintons"
  "Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican"
  "Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale -- He Sucks"
  "First Hillary, Then Gennifer, Now Us"
  "Vote Republican -- It's Easier Than Thinking"


  "Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"
  "No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
  "My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student"
  "Don't Laugh -- Your Daughter Might Be In Here" (on an old truck)
  "Cats Flattened While You Watch"

  "I May Be Fat but You're Ugly -- and I Can Lose Weight"
  "Stamp Out Crime.  Abolish the IRS."
  "Dare to Keep the CIA Off Drugs"
  "My Other Car Is a Broom"

  "Happiness Is Your Mother-in-Law's Picture On the Back of a Milk Carton"
  "Quit Sniveling"
  "Stupid People Shouldn't Breed"
  "Kissing a Smoker Is Like Licking an Ash Tray"
  "It Will Be a Great Day When Our Schools Get All the Money They Need
   and the Air Force Has to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber"

  "Not All Men Are Fools.  Some Men Are Bachelors"
  "Happiness is Coming"
  "Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?"
  "Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor"
  "Forget the Whales.  Save the Cowboy"

  "Eat American Lamb.  Ten Million Coyotes Can't Be Wrong"
  "If You Call Some Animals Pets, How Can You Call Other Animals Dinner?"
  "I'm From the Government.  I'm Here to Help You."
  "Old Skiers Never Die.  They Just Go Downhill.

  "Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch"
  "Disarm Rapists"
  "Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty"
  "Happiness Is the Ball in the Fairway"
  "Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?"

  "My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma"
  "My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"
  "Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car"
  "I Brake for Hallucinations"
  "Welcome to Colorado -- Now Go Home"

  "If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk"
  "I'm OK.  You're So-So."
  "Telling an Old Person He's Useless Is Abortion on the Other End"
  "Scixelsyd Etinu" (read backwards)
  "Jesus Saves ... String"

  "Your Mother's Choice Was Pro-Life"
  "Don't Honk.  I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can"
  "Black Holes Suck"
  "This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"


Date: Mon, 5 Jul 93 18:27:43 PDT
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Clean Nukes for a Clean Environment!
To: spaf

>From a friend of mine...
<Forwards nuked>

 Press Release:

    Because of a new government ban on chlorofluorocarbons,
the US Air Force is to refit all its nuclear missiles with new cooling
systems which don't use CFCs. This is to protect the environment
while they wait to deliver terminal global warming. The Environmental
Protection Agency concedes that it may be 'ironic' to make nuclear
missiles more eco-friendly, but regulations are regulations.


Date: Thu, 17 Jun 93 14:24 CDT
From: gadfly@ihspc.att.com (K R Perlow +1 708 979 8042)
Subject: Conspiracy alert
To: eniac

Darling Jean was DRIVING down the highway and I WAS just watching the
SCENERY go by when my gaze fixed on one OF the INTERSTATE road signs.
Horrified by WHAT I saw, I CAUTIOUSLY awaited the next, and the NEXT,
&c., until I realized the ENORMITY of the RUSE some high-placed CABAL
of ONE-WORLDERS has started TO play:  The stripe JUST above the route
number USED to give the name of THE state, BUT no longer.  Now ALL of
the signs just say "INTERSTATE" on them!  They are TRYING to wipe out
our COLLECTIVE memory--soon YOU will be able TO drive from state to
state, country to country, and NEVER know where you ARE!  Unless YOU
want TO.


Date: 6 Jul 93 04:31:16 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: nbs-amrf!sy$don


Unix:		More than one Programmer (singular: Unik)

CRT:		Cathode Ray Tube- a TV Set with an alphabet

File:		A queue or line of Unix, usually found in front of a CRT.

Directory:	A telephone book (of course)

Root:		Verb; to search, eg. he rooted through the Directory
		looking for Unix

Shell:		Verb; to bombard with explosive devices

Mini-shell:	Spitball Barrage

Program:	A story or play seen on a CRT

Subroutine:	A program which has become so boring and monotonous
		that it is less than routine

Debugger:	Defamatory reference to a Unik, eg. "debugger took my CRT"

I/O:		Verb phrase: denotes indebtedness, eg. "I/O him $5"

Path name:	Signs in the woods for dumb loggers to find their way

Processor:	A member of the sheriff's department who serves papers

Real Time:	The experience you had when your wife visited her
		mother out of state, and the Avon lady rang your chimes.

Compilation:	A temporary disorder of the Gastro-intestinal tract,
		usually treated with a laxative

Core Dump:	What the treatment of compilation should result in

Epic Dump:	A core dump of heroic proportion

Memory:		Part of the female human anatomy

Unibus:		Primary means of transportation for unix,
		alternatively, a single unit of memory

Stack:		Adjective; often applied to large memory systems

Register:	A sometimes embarrassing procedure that must be
		followed when seeking lodging for half a night

Complement:	A statement you hope to receive from a supervisor
		before going on social security

Logger:		Tough unix who chop down trees

Browser:	Name of a dog owned by a Logger, well know because
		of training, responds go such commands as; goto, kill,
		nice, and cat.  May be heard making the sound "roff"

Conversion:	An operating system often performed in Sweden or Denmark

Expansion:	An action which sometimes takes place when a male 
		unik sees a stacked memory

Pident:		A depression in a piece of pastry

Fork:		A tool for making pidents


Date: Fri, 02 Jul 93 16:02:11 EST
From: pmp (Paula Perkins)
Subject: Don't cry to me!
To: faculty, staff

  Ann Arbor, Mich. -- People who work with a view of the outdoors are more
enthusiastic about their jobs. They're also less frustrated, more patient and
report fewer physical ailments, a researcher told the Associated Press.
  "A window with a natural landscape reduces workers' 'directed attention
fatigue,'" the deliberate attention used to focus on a work project, said
Prof. Rachel Kaplan, a psychologist at the University of Michigan.
  She reported her research Sunday at the American Psychological Society in
  The opposite of directed attention is involuntary attention, the effortless
attention used to see pleasing landscapes, paintings and music, researchers
  "When employees can glance away from their desks or computers and rest
their eyes on a natural landscape, no matter how modest, involuntary
attention takes over," Kaplan told the Associated Press. "Workers get a
respite that offsets directed attention fatigue, a mental condition that
comes with even the best of jobs."
  "Windows with views of nature help us maintain our train of thought and
help us remain composed and civilized in the face of interruptions and
demands," Kaplan told AP.
  She said she also found that workers with a view of nature "had fewer
headaches and felt generally more healthy."
  Workers stuck in windowless work stations, even if they are well-lit and
modern, are more vulnerable to distractions, less flexible in their thinking,
more impulsive, less able to solve problems, and more irritable, Kaplan told

[I dunno.  Using Microsoft Windows tends to make me rather irritable.


Date: 2 JUL 93 08:15:37
From: miller_su@swam1.enet.dec.com (Oh!  So this is reality.)
Subject: Lemur Side Story
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs

The wildly popular lemur musical Lemur Side Story opens to the sound of
cud chewing and hooves clicking.  The cows are discussing herd politics.

	When you're a cow, you're a cow all the way,
	From your first slurp of milk to your last bale of hay!
	When you're a cow, someone hears when you moo --
	You've got your herd around, you're gregarious too!

	The cowship is here!  The bovine plan's succeedin'.
	You lemurs frink off, 'cause every cow's proceedin' ...
	The herd's stampedin'!

Meanwhile, our hero, the ringtailed lemur, has just met his true love.  Alas, 
she is of the wrong species.

	The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
	Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...
	All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
	Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...

	I just met a Coquerel's Sifahka.
	And suddenly I found Twinkies wrappers all around my floor!
	A cute little fuzzy sifahka
	Will bang on all my screens, and hog the whole big screen TV!
	Sifahka.  Say it loud and the cow's will get you.
	Say it soft and they'll never forget you.

	Sifahka.  I'll swing all night long with Sifahkas.




Tune in next time, same newsgroup, same posting host!

[Some people have entirely too much free time.  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 22 Jun 93 15:37:26 EDT
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Library Disc To Be Sent To Mars
To: eniac

Newsgroups: sci.space,sci.astro,alt.sci.planetary

In sci.space baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov (Ron Baalke) writes:
>The Planetary Society Organizes a Gift to Future Settlers
>     The Planetary Society, in cooperation with the Russian Space Research
>Institute (IKI), will create Visions of Mars to travel to the red planet
>aboard Mars 94 when it is launched to Mars next year. A press conference at
>the Explorers Club will preview this historic undertaking at 10:00 am on
>June 22, 1993, in New York City.  
>     Visions of Mars will be a collection of science fiction stories, sounds
>and images on a compact disc that chronicle humanity's fascination with mars
>and its imagined Martians from H.G. Wells to the present day.  A copy of the
>disc will be placed inside each of the two small stations that Mars 94 will
>land on the surface of the red planet in September, 1995.
>     The flight disc and CD-ROM replicas will be produced by Time Warner
>Interactive Group (previously Warner New Media) in Burbank, California.
>     This collection is intended as a gift from our era to the future
>generations of humans who will one day explore, and perhaps settle, Mars.

Hmm.  Last I heard, CDs were estimated to have an archival life of about
40 years.  I wonder if any humans will ever read that CD.  (And I wonder
even more strongly if they'll have the equipment to read it -- anyone on
the list have a wire recorder?)

Of course, I bet the Planetary Society will be selling replicas for $25 a pop.


Date: Fri, 2 Jul 93 12:55:26 PDT
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
To: yucks

The following column appeared in the Chicago Tribune / DuPage County
edition Tuesday June 29 1993 page 2-1.

Math Riots Prove Fun Incalculable
/by/ Eric Zorn

News Item (June 23) -- Mathematicians worldwide were excited and
pleased today by the announcement that Princeton University professor
Andrew Wiles had finally proved Fermat's Last Theorem, a 365-year-old
problem said to be the most famous in the field.
/end italics/

Yes, admittedly, there was rioting and vandalism last week during the
celebration. A few bookstores had windows smashed and shelves stripped,
and vacant lots glowed with burning piles of old dissertations. But
overall we can feel relief that it was nothing -- nothing -- compared
to the outbreak of exuberant thuggery that occurred in 1984 after
Louis DeBranges finally proved the Bieberbach Conjecture.

"Math hooligans are the worst," said a Chicago Police Department
spokesman. "But the city learned from the Bieberbach riots. We were
ready for them this time."

When word hit Wednesday that Fermat's Last Theorem had fallen, a
massive show of force from law enforcement at universities all around
the country headed off a repeat of the festive looting sprees that have
become the traditional accompaniment to triumphant breakthroughs in
higher mathematics.

Mounted police throughout Hyde Park kept crowds of delirious wizards at
the University of Chicago from tipping over cars on the midway as they
first did in 1976 when Wolfgang Haken and Kenneth Appel cracked the
long-vexing Four-Color Problem. Incidents of textbook-throwing and
citizens being pulled from their cars and humiliated with difficult
story problems last week were described by the university's math
department chairman Bob Zimmer as "isolated."

Zimmer said, "Most of the celebrations were orderly and peaceful. But
there will always be a few -- usually graduate students -- who use any
excuse to cause trouble and steal. These are not true fans of Andrew

Wiles himself pleaded for calm even as he offered up the proof that
there is no solution to the equation  x^n + y^n = z^n  when  n  is a
whole number greater than two, as Pierre de Fermat first proposed in
the 17th Century. "Party hard but party safe," he said, echoing the
phrase he had repeated often in interviews with scholarly journals as
he came closer and closer to completing his proof.

Some authorities tried to blame the disorder on the provocative
taunting of Japanese mathematician Yoichi Miyaoka. Miyaoka thought he
had proved Fermat's Last Theorem in 1988, but his claims did not bear
up under the scrutiny of professional referees, leading some to
suspect that the fix was in. And ever since, as Wiles chipped away
steadily at the Fermat problem, Miyaoka scoffed that there would be no
reason to board up windows near universities any time soon; that God
wanted Miyaoka to prove it.

In a peculiar sidelight, Miyaoka recently took the trouble to secure a
U.S. trademark on the equation "x^n + y^n = z^n " as well as the
now-ubiquitous expression "Take that, Fermat!" Ironically, in defeat,
he stands to make a good deal of money on cap and T-shirt sales.

This was no walk-in-the-park proof for Wiles. He was dogged, in the
early going, by sniping publicity that claimed he was seen puttering
late one night doing set theory in a New Jersey library when he either
should have been sleeping, critics said, or focusing on arithmetic
algebraic geometry for the proving work ahead.

"Set theory is my hobby, it helps me relax," was his angry explanation.
The next night, he channeled his fury and came up with five critical
steps in his proof. Not a record, but close.

There was talk that he thought he could do it all by himself,
especially when he candidly referred to University of California
mathematician Kenneth Ribet as part of his "supporting cast," when most
people in the field knew that without Ribet's 1986 proof definitively
linking the Taniyama Conjecture to Fermat's Last Theorem, Wiles would
be just another frustrated guy in a tweed jacket teaching calculus to

His travails made the ultimate victory that much more explosive for
math buffs. When the news arrived, many were already wired from
caffeine consumed at daily colloquial teas, and the took to the streets
en masse shouting, "Obvious! Yessss! It was obvious!"

The law cannot hope to stop such enthusiasm, only to control it. Still, one has
to wonder what the connection is between wanton pillaging and a mathematical
proof, no matter how long-awaited and subtle.

The Victory Over Fermat rally, held on a cloudless day in front of a
crowd of 30,000 (police estimate: 150,000) was pleasantly peaceful.
Signs unfurled in the audience proclaimed Wiles the greatest
mathematician of all time, though partisans of Euclid, Descartes,
Newton, and C.F. Gauss and others argued the point vehemently.

A warmup act, The Supertheorists, delighted the crowd with a ragged
song, "It Was Never Less Than Probable, My Friend," which included such
gloating, barbed verses as --- "I had a proof all ready / But then I
did a choke-a / Made liberal assumptions / Hi! I'm Yoichi Miyaoka."

In the speeches from the stage, there was talk of a dynasty,
specifically that next year Wiles will crack the great unproven Riemann
Hypothesis ("Rie-peat! Rie-peat!" the crowd cried), and that after the
Prime-Pair Problem, the Goldbach Conjecture ("Minimum Goldbach," said
one T-shirt) and so on.

They couldn't just let him enjoy his proof. Not even for one day. Math
people. Go figure 'em.


Date: Mon, 28 Jun 93 19:30:04 EDT
From: anthony_bacio@engtwomac.synoptics.com (Anthony Bacio)
Subject: Minivan Remote-Control Door
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

This sentence appeared in a San Jose Mercury News article (picked up from the
New York Times) that described a new remote control feature that GM is
introducing in their minivans.

"From the driver's seat, an overhead button lets the driver unlock and open the
sliding door, a feature that might appeal to someone dealing with a van load of


Date: Wed, 30 Jun 93 17:39:36 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Of possible interest...
To: Dan Forsyth <dan@cc.gatech.edu>

I will pass along my top 10 recommendations for
dealing with labor and delivery, based on my recent experience:

10) Daddy should wear shoes in which he can stand for 12-16 hours
without undue fatigue.
9) If daddy can pack some crackers or food bars, it helps.
Mommy-to-be does not want daddy to leave, but daddy may fall over from
lack of food after 12 hours or so.  Mommy will have no interest in
food at all until about 30 minutes after birth, at which time she will
want to eat a whole cow.
8) Mommy should not be wearing contact lenses during labor.  Advise her
against this, seriously (if she wears any). Daddy should wear his
contact lenses, unless the sight of bodily fluids (known and unknown)
make him quesy.
7) Afterwards, daddy should not make any comments about "There, that
wasn't so bad, was it?" or "Gee, you did that well -- let's have
several more!"
6) Daddy should not flirt with the nurses.  Except, perhaps, during
contractions when mommy won't notice much of anything.
5) Once a labor pain starts, if daddy can tell mommy how much time has
elapsed (15 seconds....30 seconds...etc), that seems to help mommy a
*lot* in enduring the pain.  It some helps her know that the end is
coming if she just holds on for another 30 or 60 seconds.  Daddy should
not throw in numbers like 150, 300, or 1000 just to see mommy's reaction.
4) Daddy should refrain from any comments such as "Euuuww! Gross!" at
any point during labor and delivery.
3) At the point at which the doctor tells mommy to grab her knees and
push, be certain she can find her knees and not some portion of daddy's
body or clothing.  Mommies are incredibly strong at this moment and will
rip daddy's arm out if he is not cautious.
2) After delivery of the afterbirth,  Daddy should not act horried and
state "You're not throwing that away, are you?" without thinking what
will happen if the doctor also has a strange sense of humor.

...and the #1 recommendation is:

1)  Demerol injections early in labor.  For both parents.


Date: Wed, 30 Jun 93 05:50:02 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Some people have thought that philosophers become entangled
in absurdities because of their partiality to a priori reasoning
and refusal to look at the facts.  I offer a selection of prize
tid-bits from Kant's thoroughly empirical Anthropology (meaning
for him the study of human beings in general, not just the study
of human beings that Europeans consider primitive) in order to
disprove this prejudice!

"Good natured laughter (not cruel laughter combined with bitter-
ness) is more endearing and more beneficial [than anger]:  I mean
the kind of laughter that someone should have commended to the
Persian king who offered a prize to anyone "who would invent a
new pleasure."--In laughter, the exhaling of air by fits and
starts (convulsively, so to speak) strengthens our feeling of
the vital force by its salutary movement of the diaphragm.
(Sneezing is only a small but still invigorating effect of
exhaling in this way, if we let its noise resound unchecked.)
It does not matter who makes us laugh--a hired jester (harlequin)
or an artful scamp among our circle of friends, "a sly dog" who
seems to have no mischief in mind and does not join in the laughter,
but with seeming simplicity suddenly releases our strained
anticipation (like a taut string).  Whoever provokes it, laughter
is always a shaking of the muscles involved in digestion, which
promotes it far better than the physician's wisdom would do.
If a mistaken judgement involves a great absurdity, this can produce
exactly the same effect, though at the expense of the supposedly
clever man."

[That's why my pants are getting tight -- I've been editing Yucks
and overexercising my muscles involved in digestion....  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 1 Jul 93 05:50:02 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Today's quote is from _MacWorld_ columnist Guy

"Corporate America uttered a collective "Huh?" when IBM
announced the hiring of (Louis) Gerstner, former chairman
and CEO of RJR Nabisco, the cigarette (Camels) and 
consumer products (Oreo cookies) holding company. (In fact,
this choice makes some sense: hire someone who headed a
company whose goal appears to be getting people addicted
to something that might kill them. It fits right in with
IBM's past strategy.)"


Date: Fri, 2 Jul 93 05:50:01 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Kant's argument (is this one empirical or a priori?) for why we
can't feel passion for cattle:

"But all passions are only appetites directed by men to men,
not to things; and while we can have great inclination toward
a fertile field or cow--which is really toward the profit they
bring--we cannot have affection for them (for affection is the
inclination toward communion with others); much less can we have
a passion for them."

[Okay, I'll buy that explanation for cattle.  But passion for sheep is
another thing entirely!  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1993 15:53:48 GMT
From: rkatos@hpunila.MSR.HP.COM (Ray Katos)
Subject: Re: U-Haul Horrors top-ten list
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

To add to the Pringles history.

Potato chips are a regional food. Why? because they will be totally 
destroyed after about 300 miles of bouncing around in a truck. 
Proctor and Gamble started Pringles soley to have a national potato chip 
product that could be shipped all over, few factories, economies of scale.
Also, you may notice they are made of potato goo, so less waste, or is it
more waste, or is it all waste.


Date: 21 Jun 93 12:03:27 GMT
From: tree@syzygy.cs.jhu.edu (Denise Tree)
Subject: Some Linux problems---solved
Newsgroups: comp.os.coherent,comp.os.linux

In article <2034nl$3p8@theory.TC.Cornell.EDU> mdw@TC.Cornell.EDU 
(Matt "Indiana" Welsh) writes:

-> In article <1993Jun21.005149.19924@osuunx.ucc.okstate.edu> 
-> u1086aa@unx.ucc.okstate.edu (11086) writes:

...[stuff deleted]...

|-> My point is the same as it was at first, if you want a system that you 
|-> set up in an hour, **be sure everything is done correctly**, and get to 
|-> work on immediately, IMHO COHERENT is the one. 
|Great! For the rest of us who like that little bit of adventure, that
|debonair aura of hardcore hackerdom, that excitement that you get by
|trudging through incomplete and long obsolete documentation and finally 
|pinning one of those inaccuracies to the wall so we can send angry e-mail
|to the FAQ maintainers, we'll stick to Linux. :) I rather like the image: 
|when I sit down at my Linux box I put on my flight jacket and scarf, don the 
|Ray Bans, grease back my hair, and announce to the world: "I am Linuxer! 
|Hear me Roar!" 
|And I doubt that using Coherent will get you girls. :)

And really now... who in this day and age can expect any modern girl
to want to be seen with end-luser,non-hacking,whining-about-no- 
*DOCS*-unable-solve-install-problems-weenies! No docs you say? So
write 'em yerself! Be a "Manly Hacker"!! :-) I re-installed my ENTIRE
system this weekend including X and some compiles of stuff I'm fond of
in just a few hours this weekend... SLS was _very_ easy. True, I
didn't set up UUCP or networking... but it will be a positively sterling
opportunity to learn something my COSCI curriculum doesn't "teach"
when I do.

I don't care about getting girls myself... but I have been concerned
with getting a job lately and my experience with Linux enables me to
say proudly "Ya! Ich bin ein "Unix hacker! Was wollen sie herr 

Why, just the other day I saw this personal in alt.sex.unix.personals
and I thought to myself "Wow... there sure are a lot of guys missing
the boat these days... trying to impress me with their cars!"

> SWF - Looking for Unix Wizard to make magic with. Let's grep and sed
> each other and perhaps... be Posix compliant together. I like
> writing poetry, long walks in the autumn woods and tracking down
> header declaration conflicts in Linux kernel recompiles. I'm looking
> for a guy who can proudly declare "No DOCS you say? Well I guess I
> had better write some then... hadn't I darling :-)" 
> No MS-Doggies need respond!


Date: Fri, 2 Jul 93 12:20:04 EDT
From: danny.clark@channel1.com (Danny Clark)
Subject: So they used Kermit's DNA...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

What's the difference between feminists and velociraptors?

Velociraptors don't have to use turkey basters to reproduce.


Date: Tue, 6 Jul 93 14:43:54 PDT
From: armand@pongo.West.Sun.COM (Armand Aghabegian)
Subject: Ten windows?
To: spaf

[From the last Yucks...]
>[The same guy probably believes he's limited to 10 windows
> under the X Window System....  --spaf]

He is not too far off. 10 is about the limit before the system
becomes a snail on qualudes.

Unrelated to the latter, I once saw a .sig which was something to 
this effect:

"vi is pronounced neither vee-eye nor vi. It is pronounced six. For it's
 by that number that you shall recognize the editor of the antichrist".


Date: Mon, 28 Jun 93 10:54:44 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: the chihuahua eaten by the eagle in Alaska
To: spaf (Yucks List)

I would like to say, and I believe I speak for all real Texans,
that if this sort of thing keeps up, we will happily, at last,
welcome Alaska to the US.

Miles O'Neal
Free Texan

We will even help them move it.

[This was in response to the last Yucks about the doggone eagle. --spaf]


Date: Tue, 29 Jun 93 16:31:02 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: the golden ratio strikes again
To: spaf

for yucks....
Astounding and amazing.........

> Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1993 18:15:27 -0400
> From: Jim Love <jeteye@CBL.UMD.EDU>
> Subject: Re: DivIII Championship eligibility
> To: Multiple recipients of list HOCKEY-L
> Chris Lerch writes:
> >I now count 15 eligible teams from the ECAC East, 7 from the SUNYAC, 4
> >from the ECAC West, and 18 from the ECAC North/South/Central for a total
> >of 44 D-III teams in the East.  The West has a total of 14 teams (9 from
> >the MIAC and 5 from the NCHA).  The ratio is therefore 3.14 to 1.

Jim Love Responds:
>   Submitted for your consideration .... :-)  Isn't it amazing how so many
> seemingly unrelated things/events converge on The Golden Ratio - but college
> hockey too  <grin> <grin>  I can almost hear the RPI undergrads even as I
> type this: E to the x dy/dx ...


Date: Mon, 5 Jul 93 16:37:03 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: This is not a chain letter
To: spaf

                 LETTER VIRUS LETTER.
 This paper has been sent to you for no apparent reason.  Several
 times, in fact.  It has never been around the world; it hasn't even been
 around the block.  This is not a particularly friendly letter, in
 fact, if you even so much as breathe on it wrong it'll erase all
 your files.  This is no joke.
 Send a copy to your worst enemy.  Actually don't even bother - this
 letter has already sent itself to everyone you've ever shaken hands
 with.  Do not throw away this letter.  If it leaves your hands ever,
 you will most likely die.  BDAVIDSON got this letter and gave it away,
 and lost 3000 blocks of quota.  JRICHES got this letter and kept it,
 and still lost 3000 blocks of quota.  So either way you lose.
 This viru-, uh, letter, didn't come from anywhere no matter what your
 computer told you.  You've always had it and you always will.  If you
 don't send at least 3,982,385 copies of this letter to your friends,
 it will do it for you.  After a few days you will most likely suffer
 a near fatal accident.  This is true even if you are not superstitious.
 One other thing, don't think that just because you've received this
 letter means you're going to win the lottery or anything.  In fact,
 most people who have gotten this letter in the past have been
 arrested for computer espionage not long after.  DFAIRCHILD
 had nothing to do with this letter.  He's still dead.
 I suggest that you give up all hope of ever doing anything right ever
 again in your entire life.  In fact, it will be a living hell.  JSAROCHA
 got this letter and was never heard from again.  The U.S. Department
 of Defense got this letter and nearly ended civilization as we know it.
 PYOUNG got this letter and won a million dollars in the lottery.  We still
 don't quite understand why.  He ought to be dead by now, or at least
 Remember, give up all hope.  Please do not ignore this.  Because if
 you do, it will be that much worse.
 Insert Evil Satan Death Devil Worship Signs Here:



Date: Thu, 24 Jun 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: mss2@midway.uchicago.edu
Subject: Virus Alert Update
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Subject: Re: Virus Alert:  Potomac Fevers Approach Pandemic Proportions

In article <S516.108c@looking.on.ca> jason@primal.ucdavis.edu (Jason Christian) writes:

>I got this from Carlos Kruytbosch, who caught it from a friend, who caught
>it from a friend ...


>GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
>software says everything is fine.

	Actually, that was last year's release and seems to have been
eradicated.  There is, however, a new version of the GEV which appears
to be making the rounds:  Everything works fine, but your diagnostic
software insists that there's a major system problem which will cost
$30 billion to repair.

>NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
>mad just thinking about it.

	This seems to have been eradicated by the ETHNIC_CLEAN program
coming out of the Balkans.

>FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard drive into hundreds of
>little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
>claim to be the most important part of the computer.

	They also use a percentage of your computer's memory which
increases each year-- infected systems eventually begin running a
deficit and use the hard drive as virtual memory.  Any attempt to
clean this virus, or trim its memory requirements, results in error
messages from each of the units explaining why this would cause the
computer to break down.

>POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
>refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

	"Microorganism" is sizeist and "electronic" is organo-centric.
The accepted term is "Binary American".

>ROSS PEROT VIRUS:  Activates every component in your system, just before
>the whole thing quits.

	If the system is reactivated, the Perot virus becomes active
again and takes over 20% of your hard disk, then sends random
interrupts to the CPU.


End of Yucks Digest