Yucks Digest V3 #23 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Sun, 27 Jun 93       Volume 3 : Issue  23 

Today's Topics:
                      Children's Books to Avoid
                        Error in your request
                  Excuse me if you've heard this...
                 For Yucks, if you think it suitable
                   Great anniversery in sports ...
                       Insects are our friends!
                      Quote of the day (2 msgs)
                   RFD: alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter
             RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
              The eating habits of conference delegates
                          the gravity stone.
             Top Ten Things Overheard At the White House
                       WHAT THE PROF REALLY MEA
                 yucks submission:  small yippy dogs

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Fri, 25 Jun 93 4:30:01 EDT
From: yxk9@po.cwru.edu (Yury Khidekel)
Subject: Children's Books to Avoid
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

  Top 26 Children's Books *Not* recommended by the National Library Assoc.

26. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your 
    Digestive System.

25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.
23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.

22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.

21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

18. The Tickling Babysitter

17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

12. David Duke's World of Imagination.

11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

9. Legends of Scab Football.

8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't 
   Remember the Endings to All of them.

5. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's

4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

[Kathy and I are looking for copies of these for the Spaflet, due any day now.  --spaf]


Date: 23 Jun 93 04:31:00 EDT (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: uiucdcs!kaufman

[overheard at University of Illinois]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a plum?

A: A vector with length |elephant| |plum| sin(x) in the direction perpendicular
   to the plane in which the elephant and the plum lie, where x is the angle
   between elephant and plum.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?

A: UNDEFINED!  A mountain climber is a scalar.

[These are oldies, but I'm sure some Yucks readers haven't seen them.  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 18 Jun 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: (null)
Subject: Erratum
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

I heard this one at a dinner party last night. I don't know if it is true.

The latest edition of the Irish Customs and Excise Handbook comes with an
erratum slip. It contains the following instruction:

     "After contraceptives, insert fruit and vegetables"

[Stir well.  Serve over a bed of shamrocks.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 21 Jun 93 8:27:24 EDT
From: Andrew K Bressen <bressen@cs.columbia.edu>
Subject: Error in your request
To: spaf

>> > Date: 10 Jun 93 17:57:59 GMT
>> > From: (null) lost in editing
>> > Subject: A pizza that bites back!
>> > Newsgroups: rec.humor
>> [...]
>> > I guess that explains the "pupperoni" pizza offered on the menu, as well
>> > as the "felinettucini arfredo".
>> > 
>> > [Hmm, can one order the pizza using PostScript?  --spaf]
What I wrote starts here:
>> Using Don Hopkins' NeWS-based PizzaTool, any pizza may be ordered
>> using postscript, so long as you have a fax server or modem and they have
>> a fax machine.
>> Also, the band Stetz had a song on their second album called "Betty's
>> Bondage Boutique". Some choice lines:
>> Don't bother Fred, he owns the place
>> He'll just say "Wilma! Sit on my face!"
>> At Betty's Bondage Boutique
>> Oh no, don't let Barney know,
>> about Betty's Bondage Boutique...

[I'm not sure why PizzaTool reminded Andy of that song, but who
 am I to question such a strange combination in a Yucks posting?  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1993 16:57:26 GMT
From: kr@mr.picker.com (Kevin Randolph)
Subject: Excuse me if you've heard this...
Newsgroups: comp.unix.programmer

A friend of mine works as a consultant.  While at a site
one day, one of the people there asked him,

     "Do you know how to use the six editor?"


     "Yea.  Six.  v... i..."

Ture story.  I do not know if this is a standard UNIX
joke, but it's one of mine now.

[The same guy probably believes he's limited to 10 windows
 under the X Window System....  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 23 Jun 93 12:21 PDT
From: lauren@vortex.com (Lauren Weinstein)
Subject: For Yucks, if you think it suitable
To: spaf

Subject: (310) 455-0971 --> The TV & Movie Madness Machine! 

Greetings.  In honor of the bygone days of telephone entertainment,
I'm pleased to announce that Custom Viewer's TV & Movie Madness
Machine is now available, 24 hours/day, on +1 (310) 455-0971.  This of
course is an ordinary phone number, so only regular phone charges (if
any) apply.

Callers will receive a randomly selected item relating to television
and cinema, including nostalgia, trivia, games, viewing suggestions,
and more.  Right now, the nostalgia element strongly predominates.  I
think I can say without fear of contradiction that most of the
materials on there now are things that you haven't heard anywhere for
at least 20 years -- if not longer -- or ever!  You'll fire up some
old neurons and relive memories you thought had faded away decades
ago.  Will you go running for your old polyester leisure suit or
bell-bottoms?  I certainly hope not.

Have fun.


Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1993 08:59:34 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: Great anniversery in sports ...
To: spaf

Thought y'all would like to know about this great anniversary ...

On this day in 1977, Steve Petrovich became a true-life god by
chugging a full liter of beer in 1.6 seconds.

An inspiration to us all!



Date: Fri, 18 Jun 93 08:40:51 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Insects are our friends!
To: yucks

[Original post by Janet Christian]


Entomophilia (entomo: insects; philia: lust) referes to the use of
insects for sexual purposes. Snails, ants, flies, and other insects
are used to crawl over the genitals or other portions of the body.
People use insects to tickle, to induce fear, inflict pain, or to
create a sensuous feeling. People are able to attract bugs by using
honey. This also keeps the insects concentrated to the preferred area.
They may also be contained to the area by putting them in a glass
jar. Cleopatra is said to have had a small box that could be filled
with bees and placed agains her genitals for a stimulation similar to
that of vibrators. Young men today often remove the wings of a fly,
submerge themselves in bath water, and allowing their penis to stick
out of the water, put the fly on the glans to crawl around. People
who use fear select the type of insect that frightens or disgusts
their partner. This insect(s) is allowed merely to crawl over the
victim's body which causes a rush of adrenalin that is later
transferred to sexual passion for their partner. Others are only
interested in teh stinging or pain that can be inflicted by
insects. Modern government interrogation techniques sometimes used
insects to torture captives. One method was to put ants, mosquitos,
biting flies, wasps, or bees in a jar and hold the open end agains the
victim's nipples, armpits, and genitals ("Physical Interrogation
Techniques" by Richard W. Krousher, pg. 88). People don't ordinarily
use stinging insects for sex play. However, there is a case of one man
who does do this for sexual arousal. He would lay on the grass in his
backyard during the summer and let ants crawl over his body, becoming
sexually aroused as they began to sting.

Finally, there are people who don't use insects themselves but who become
aroused by watching them engage in sex. A certain num during the 19th
century confessed that she became so aroused by the sight of two flies
in sexual union that each time she felt compelled to masturbate. She
estimated this as having happened over 400 times ("Studies in the
Psychology of Sex" by Havelock Ellis, 1990, Vol. I, pg. 73).

This article is an excerpt from "A Comprehensive Sex Encyclopedia --
The Study of 1,000 Unusual Practices" by Brenda Billings Love.

[Insects found in fruits and vegetables in Ireland are included. --spaf]


Date: Thu, 17 Jun 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"There's a rule of performing that I've always followed, and that is: If
 you make a mistake in verse 1, make the mistake exactly the same way in
 verse 2.  Then it's called jazz."

 - John Tesh, Entertainment Tonight co-host and pianist/composer


Date: Fri, 25 Jun 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

Today's quote is from _MacWorld_ columnist Guy
Kawasaki, contemplating his mortality after
accepting an offer for a complimentary ride
in an F-15:

"how will my wife know how to install fonts if I die?"


Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1993 01:49:22 GMT
From: brom@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (David Bromage)
Subject: RFD: alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter

        How to write an RFD for alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter

The first paragraph should state that this posting is about how to write
an RFD for alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter. It should stress that it is only an
introduction and that the main ideas of the posting will be contained in
later paragraphs.

The second paragraph should include several reasons why such a newsgroup
should be created. Such reasons could include the need for a canonical
list of self referential quotes such as this one, and the general
discussion of the topics raised in writings such as Metamagical Themas.

The third paragraph is designed to explore the idea that should the need
arise for a second newsgroup to discuss the activities on
alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter then alt.fan.douglas-hofstadter.meta would be
a good name for it.

The fourth paragraph is very important in that it should stress the
importance of the third paragraph.

The fifth paragraph should consist of only nine words.

The sixth paragraph should state that had Douglas Hofstadter written the
posting, it would have been funnier.

The last paragraph must thank readers for the time spent reading the
posting and should ask readers to contribute their views and ideas.

David Bromage

P.S. Feel free to include a postscript.


Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1993 00:52:23 GMT
From: khockenbury@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu
Subject: RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,news.groups,news.future,talk.bizarre

In article <LyRe6B1w165w@nj8j.atl.ga.us>, ben@nj8j.atl.ga.us (Ben Coleman) writes:
> tweek@netcom.com (Michael D. Maxfield) writes:
>> The only friggin way you will be able to kill the Usenet beast would
>> be to nuke the planet and start over from scratch... and even then the
>> cockroachs will still remember the way things were and strive to bring
>> back the old familiar Usenet.
> It has, of course, been rumored that this has already happened once.

Usenet, the _real_ reason dinosaurs went extinct.


Date: 23 Jun 1993 17:01:15 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: The eating habits of conference delegates
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

In article <msiC930s7.873@netcom.com> msi@netcom.com (zer0 kelvin) writes:
>Ken Johnson (ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk) wrote:
>: Last Thursday I went to a conference in Glasgow.  There was a buffet
>: lunch.  I noticed a man produce a plastic bag from his jacket pocket and
>: fill it with buffet food, in addition to eating from a plate in the
>: usual way. 
>          hmmmmmm... scottish, eh?  that explains everything.

Dear Editor,
   I write this to complain about the horribly offensive comments
which have repeatedly appeared in your journal.  I refer, sir, to
the Scotsmen jokes which have seen light between your pages.  These
jokes all hinge upon the assumption that Scotsmen are all penny-pinching
cheapskates, and I will have you know that this is not the truth.  
This base stereotype is degrading to all Scotsmen, and if you continue
to perpetuate it, I will cease borrowing copies of your magazine.


Date: Tue, 22 Jun 93 17:33:02 EDT
From: gray@antaire.com (Gray Watson)
Subject: the gravity stone.
To: spaf

Concerning the Gravity Stone article in Yucks volume 3, issue 22 which
detailed how Roger W. Babson wanted to give money to Tufts University
for the development of the antigravity machine.

	"He was kind of a crazy guy"
	"The gravity stone" (which was intended as a reminder of the gift)
		"is a bit of an embarrassment", Tufts Foundation
		director John Schneider admits.

Not to belittle Tuffs University, but maybe they should have taken Mr.
Babson a bit more seriously.

According to my cousin (who has a physics PHD from from Stanford),
there is a common hypothesis among the particle physics crowd that
there exists a Graviton particle which is the force carrier or boson
(sic) for the gravity force:

Force		Force-Carrier or Boson
-------		-------------------------
Gravity		Graviton (not discovered yet) 
Weak		Z, W+, W- (responsible for radioactivity)
ElectroMagnetic	Photon
Strong		Gluons (holds quarks together in protons and neutrons) 

Although the Graviton has yet to be discovered, it is being looked
for.  Since they've been able to produce anti-particles for every
known particle, the existence of anti-graviton particles follows and
then the possibility of anti-graviton emitors.  Maybe the next step is
anti-gravity shields for planes?

Hey, it could happen!


Date: Tue, 22 Jun 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: sklar@picasso.ocis.temple.edu (Dave Sklar)
Subject: Top Ten Things Overheard At the White House
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

 Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House
10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, that's all.

9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?

8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man
with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?

7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea,
but she's a foreign national.

6. I'm sorry the secret service guard wouldn't let you kiss your date,
honey, but he was just being careful.

5. No, I can't come to school for career day, Chelsea.

4. That's MY chair, Hillary.

3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesn't mean you can.

2. Because I'm the President, THAT'S why.

1. My dad?  He's taking a nap, President Yeltsin.  Can I take a message?


Date: Thu Jun 24 23:38:07 1993
From: benjamin.cohen@twty.chi.il.us
To: spaf@ecn.purdue.edu

Petersik's article "What the Professor Really Means" omits the following two:

That's a good question               I know the answer to that
                                     one, which I will now answer.

Let me rephrase that                 I don't know the answer to
                                     that question, but I do know
                                     the answer to a closely 
                                     related question, and I will
                                     answer that one!


Date: Fri, 25 Jun 93 13:15:48 PDT
From: Matthew Bradburn <mattbr@microsoft.com>
Subject: yucks submission:  small yippy dogs
To: spaf

This was reported in the Seattle Times earlier this week.

	Associated Press (Valdez, Alaska ) -- A bald eagle satisfied
	its hunger at a Valdez gas station when it snatched up a small
	dog and flew away, leaving the dog's owner screaming in horror.

	The Chihuahua-like dog had been let out of a motor home to run
	around in the station's parking lot while the owners, an unidentified
	couple from Georgia, cleaned the vehicle's windshield.

[Our neighbors have a dog who could use a visit from Mr. Raptor....  --spaf]


Date: 24 Jun 1993 17:21:09 GMT
From: pearl@spectacle.sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl)

Top 10 Bad Experiences when Renting from U-Haul

10. Claimed they were out of trucks since January 12 is their 
    "busiest day of year."

9. Tow bar failed.  We're still looking for the car.

8. Discovered pile of rotting corpses in truck; was charged a "cleaning fee"
   to remove them.

7. They didn't have the truck I reserved; offered "Fire Chief" Red Wagon 

6. "Air-conditioner" was actually a stick-on decal.

5.  Brakes failed on steep mountain road.  When I complained that I was
    almost killed, they called me a "crybaby".

4.  Truck plays caliope circus music -- can't shut it off.

3.  Viscious pit bull under seats.

2.  Their "one-way" rental truck couldn't shift into reverse.

And the number one bad experience when renting from U-Haul:

1. They insisted that odometer "wrapped around" -- charged me for 1000120


End of Yucks Digest