Yucks Digest V3 #22
Yucks Digest Tue, 22 Jun 93 Volume 3 : Issue 22
How 'bout them Hooters!!!
net.views -- computer crime
Quote of the day
Something you might enjoy
the gravity stone
They're at it again...
walk on the wild side
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1993 05:15:44 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John Berryhill, Ph.D.)
Subject: A Clue
I find it useful to clip the clues from the daily crossword puzzle
so that I have a few on hand when I encounter someone who
desperately needs one. That way, all I have to do
is to reach into my wallet, tear one off and
say, "Here have a clue." Although it
is usually best if you know the
corresponding answer to the
clue which you have
just given to
47. Siberian dwelling
And I damn near had to get a divorce when my wife wouldn't accept
"yurt" in a Scrabble game until I returned home from the library
with the definition photocopied from an unabridged dictionary, but
by that time my basset hound had eaten an N and two E's right
out of my little Scrabble tile pew (upon which I had drawn in
a little shelf holding bibles and hymnals, although when you play
with my wife you get the feeling that there should be a kneeling
bench, which I didn't think of since I was raised in a Presbyterian
church and, in general, Presbyterians make enough money that the
concept of kneeling to anyone for anything is just not something
that comes to mind all that often, but I thought for a long time
that we didn't kneel because we were Pedestrians instead of
Presbyterians and that therefore kneeling would be out of the
question by definition, but so would sitting down for that matter).
Scrabble is one of the few things we take seriously in our house,
so you can imagine our dismay at our having to wait until our
errant EEN had completed it's journey through our canine's
colon. But what finally emerged would have been unusable. So as
we pondered our options, my wife found a little note that had
come with our Scrabble board to the effect that if the game had
not been originally supplied with the requisite complement of
tiles, then we should remit the attached coupon and they will supply
the lost letters by return post. Whether they would provide the
same replacement service for tiles that had fallen victim to the
culinary misadventures of bassett bitches, they did not say. So
Tracy suggested that we send it in anyway. And we did. And they
sent the tiles. And I would feel guilty about it, but having been
raised Presbyterian I know that it was foreordained that we should
have received those replacement tiles. Selchow and Righter work
in mysterious ways.
So now you know.
From: Orin Day <email@example.com>
Subject: How 'bout them Hooters!!!
Saw this in the Minnesota Daily over gopher. [Apologies if this
is a duplicate...]
Headline: Hooters employees file lawsuit for sexual harassmen
Publish Date: 04/21/1993
.RM288PT/St. Paul (AP) -- Three former employees filed lawsuits
Tuesday against Hooters, accusing the national restaurant chain of
creating a work environment that focuses on women's bodies and
encourages sexual harassment.
The company has created a "corporate culture of misogyny," said
attorney Lori Peterson.
Managers repeatedly made derogatory comments about the employees'
breasts, made unwanted sexual advances and grabbed the women's legs
and breasts while on the job, according to the complaints filed in
Hennepin County District Court in Minneapolis.
The women were waitresses at Hooters in the Mall of America in
Hooters' attorney, Lisa Gray, said in a statement that the complaints
are "filled with fabricated statements and inaccuracies."
The complaints say the Texas-based company imposes a "sexually
provocative" dress code on its female employees, requiring them to
wear short shorts and tight, low-cut T-shirts.
All three women complained that their uniforms were too small and
exposed their buttocks, but managers refused to issue larger
uniforms, according to the complaints.
Managers also tolerated verbal and physical harassment and
participated in it, the complaints say.
"I was told (by a manager) that I barely had enough of a chest to
work there," one of the plaintiffs, Tami Schoellermann, said at a
Whitney Miller, another plaintiff, said she was told she didn't
deserve to work as a "Hooters girl" once she quit breast feeding her
Laurie Dobosenski, the third plaintiff, said a manager threatened to
reach inside her shorts and later made offensive comments. She said
waitresses also are told that paying for breast implants is "money
Customers also make sexual comments to the waitresses, asking for
sexual favors or inquiring about the women's breast sizes, according
to the complaints.
"The managers thought it was funny," Schoellermann said. "I felt
humiliated and angry."
Managers also pressured the women to "date" male customers, the
The "culture of misogyny" begins with the restaurants' name, a slang
term for breasts, Peterson said. She displayed one of the waitresses'
midriff-baring T-shirts with the slogan "More than a mouthful"
emblazoned across the back.
Hooters' attorney said the slogan was dropped. She said employees are
given a choice of T-shirts. She also said Hooters has a "strict
policy" against sexual harassment.
Each lawsuit seeks damages of at least $50,000.
[Not to trivialize the problem or anything, but what were they thinking
when they applied for the job? That the restaurant served owls? --spaf]
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 93 13:12:51 PST
From: mbinesh (Mac Binesh)
Subject: Intel outside!!!
OVER THE HORIZON -- What's better-known than NutraSweet? Get ready
for `Intel Outside'
Copyright COMPUTER RESELLER NEWS via NewsNet March 22, 1993
By Mark Stahlman
This just in... Intel has surprised the fashion and computer
world alike by unveiling its first-ever line of sports and
back-to-school clothing. The line features geometric patterns
derived from Intel chip layouts (the shoes, which look surprisingly
like clean-room booties, even sport actual microprocessor chip
rejects), and it's all to be supported by a mammoth advertising
campaign around the slogan ``Intel Outside.''
Amazingly, rumors have begun to surface about efforts to launch
Intel brand products in many other fields, including soft drinks,
junk food and even a super-secret men's cologne project.
Don't laugh (too hard). It could happen here. And I didn't make up
the rest of this column. Honest.
For some time now, Intel has been conducting brandname research.
Like many others, it has noticed that brand-name allegiance is
extremely strong in many (if not most) markets. Intel's research has
been wide-ranging and not at all limited to technology-driven
computer markets. In fact, Intel has discovered (and proudly
disclosed to analysts) that its brand is already better recognized
Sure, Intel is trying to convince Wall Street that its campaign
around ``Intel Inside'' has been worth the money. Since concerns
about ``killer clone micros'' have from time to time stalked Intel's
share price, it's very important for Intel to demonstrate that
customers recognize and prefer Intel.
But there is more to this than Intel's battle with AMD, Cyrix and
the rest of the chip chompers. When asked, ``When will the market
for PCs saturate?'' Intel's Andy Grove replied, ``How many
telephones are out there?'' Then he compared PC shipments to annual
purchases of TVs and automobiles. Intel is not modest. It wants it
Already Intel sells its Overdrive products and networking cards
directly to the end customer. Still to come will be its
electronic-meeting products and a whole range of mobility and
digital-video offerings. Remember DVI? Some consider the DVI effort
to have been an attempt to corner the video-compression market. Some
consider Intel to now be making a similar move on the networking
A few weeks back, this paper ran a breaking story about Intel and
Microsoft teaming up to produce a palmtop computer, code-named
``WinPad.'' Just before that, Intel announced a deal with
Ericsson/RAM-Mobile and Bell South to develop products for the
mobile data market and to use its vast distribution network to sell
Will Intel start to peddle beer and lipstick? Not likely. But
Intel does want your shelf space-make no mistake about it.
COPYRIGHT, 1993 New Media Associates, Inc.
[Note that this was posted on March 31, suspiciously close to April 1.
Date: 6 Oct 92 11:56:30 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Christopher "Jd" Samuel)
Subject: net.views -- computer crime
In article <1992Oct02.email@example.com>,
firstname.lastname@example.org (Mitch Wagner) doodled:
> Do you consider computer crime to be
> a threat to your system?
# Tell me grasshopper, what do you see notice about this posting ?
$ Master, on my travels with you around the great filesystems of the world
$ I have seen many such messages, all alike. He has obviously not yet
$ mastered the art of cross-posting, which is like origami, only different,
$ and has managed to waste much diskspace.
# Ahh, but do you notice anything deeper ?
$ Yes master, he has also managed to make his message quite ambiguous
$ by not specifying what type of Computer Crime he wants to hear about.
$ For if he were to mention that he was interested in financial frauds
$ which used computers I would be able to tell him that I did not believe
$ that my system was at threat, as it is only a humble academic system
$ not possessed of the need to imitate an IBM PC and run endless fiscal
$ simulations. However, if he were to say that he was interested in
$ cracking, then I would respond, saying that our planned connection
$ to JIPS (and hence the Internet) scares the willies out of me, even
$ though we have been at one with CERT, taken of the tcp_wrapper,
$ communed with the RFC931 daemon and passed through the test of Crack,
$ I still am aware of my own ignorance of computer security.
# Well answered my son, but I see that you were to continue..
$ I was indeed master.
$ I have also noticed his worst blunder, and one that I can only just
$ bring myself to forgive, although my karma is piled higher than a
$ European grain mountain.
# Enlighten me about this grave error that you speak off.
$ Master, I see that you feign ignorance only to teach, and hence I answer..
$ He has mistaken the sacred gathering of the non-conformist computer
$ people, known to the masses as alt.hackers, as a forum for that
$ most serious of electronic sins, cracking. He hath strayed from the
$ path to enlightenment, when to grok is everything, by the media, who
$ seem incapable of distinguishing between us.
# Grashopper, you have been many years in the training, and I grow old,
# expecting the day when I receive the SIGXCPU, and _exit this world.
# I see that you are ready.
The air resounds to the hollow tones of a great voice, orating thus:
SU my son..
# Master, I am enlightened !
# Now we must teach the people the difference between a hacker and
# a cracker.
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 93 13:23:02 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <email@example.com>
Pacific News Service reported in June that female temperance patrols in
India's state of Manipur have curtailed males' drinking problems, which,
they say, lead to wife-beating and unemployment. The patrols destroy stills
and then capture men who are drinking, tie them naked to a donkey, and
parade them through the local villages, where they are encouraged to promise
not to drink again. The patrol has 30,000 female members.
In July, three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at an
exclusive resort in Key Largo, Fla., and swam away. They were found several
days later in a lagoon by a gold course on Key Biscayne, Fla., where, on their
own, they showed up at 10 a.m., 2 p.m., and 4 p.m. (the same times as the
Key Largo shows), and performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed.
In December near Mineral Wells, Texas, three men who were attempting to
steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted.
Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from
electric cables that are not being used.
Recently, parents of a Colorado teenager announced they would sue the local
school system for failing to alert them that their son's creative writing
papers revealed his emotional problems.
In one example cited by the Denver Post, the boy wrote a story about a
man's vicious torture of a woman, concluding that now the man "was in
control" and "had the power." However, the teacher merely marked the paper
"C-minus," commenting, "No focus! ... (You're missing the point of this.)"
Shortly after he submitted the paper, the boy sexually assaulted two
A civilian dog in Knoxville, Tenn., came home in December carrying in his
mouth a bag of cocaine with a street value of $16,000. His owner declined
police efforts to recruit the dog.
In December, a St. Louis domestic relations judge decreed that a divorcing
couple, Tony and Carla Julius, were each entitled to custody of one of their
two dogs, but that each Sunday the dogs must play together for four hours
with Tony and four with Carla.
In September, a court in Henlet, England, upheld a local decision to deny
a license for an outdoor music festival because the field was too close
to a pig-breeding center. The magistrates thought the noise would upset
In July, seconds after Pat Lees' prize pigeon Percy won a France-to-Sheffield
(England) homing race, beating out 900 others, a cat pounced on it and ate it.
By the time Lees could retrieve Percy's tag, as proof that it had finished
the race, two other pigeons had landed, giving the late Percy only third
London's Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons in November announced guidelines
to discourage vets from routinely shortening dogs' tails, especially poodles'
and bulldogs'. About 20 percent of Britain's dogs have been so "docked," and
more than 25 percent of registered breeds have their tails shortened by
Date: Thu, 6 May 93 08:51:54 MDT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
A letter written by Norman Maclean in 1981, author of 'A River Runs
Through It and Other Stories' to Charles Elliott of Alfred A. Knopf
which had rejected the first book, but was then courting Maclean for his
second manuscript, 'Young Men and Fire'.
Dear Mr. Elliott:
I have discovered that I have been writing you under false
pretenses, although stealing from myself more than from you. I have
stolen from myself the opportunity of seeing the dream of every rejected
author come true. The dream of every rejected author must be to see,
like sugar plums dancing in his head, please-can't-we-see-your-
next-manuscript letters standing in piles on his desk, all coming from
publishing companies that rejected his previous manuscript, especially
from the more pompous of the fatted cows grazing contentedly in the
publishing field. I am sure that, under the influence of those dreams,
some of the finest fuck-you prose in the English language has been
composed but, alas, never published. And to think that the rare moment
in history came to me when I could in actuality have written the prose
masterpiece for all rejected authors - and I didn't even see that
history had swung wide its doors to me.
You must have known that Alfred A. Knopf turned down my first
collection of stories after playing games with it, or at least the game
of cat's-paw, now rolling it over and saying they were going to publish
it and then rolling it on its back when the president of the company
announced it wouldn't sell. So I can't understand how you could ask if
I'd submit my second manuscript to Alfred A. Knopf, unless you don't
know my race of people. And I can't understand how it didn't register
on me - 'Alfred A. Knopf' is clear enough on your stationery.
But, although I let the big moment elude me, it has given rise
to little pleasures. For instance, whenever I receive a statement of
the sales of 'A River Runs Through It' from the University of Chicago
Press, I see that someone has written across the bottom of it, 'Hurrah
for Alfred A. Knopf.' However, having let the great moment slip by
unrecognized and unadorned, I can now only weakly say this: if the
situation ever arose when Alfred A. Knopf was the only publishing house
remaining in the world and I was the sole remaining author, that would
mark the end of the world of books.
Date: Sat, 24 Apr 93 12:39:16 -0500
From: email@example.com (Irfan Tusneem)
Subject: Something you might enjoy
I found this on the net. Maybe you have seen it already, maybe not.
[Well, I admit to some of it... :-) --spaf]
What The Professor Really Means
By J. Timothy Petersik
from the Chronicle of Higher Education
You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student.
textbooks in the field.
If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll
you'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the details either.
is what's most important.
Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond I don't know.
the scope of this class.
You'll have to see me during my office I don't know.
hours for a thorough answer to your
In answer to your question, you must I really don't know.
recognize that there are several
diseparate points of view.
Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my
important topic. dissertation.
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly half of
consider all of the people who made the people in this field have said.
contributions to this field.
We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
of class. 2. You're winning the arguement -
Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out to late last night and
lead the discussion. It will be a good didn't have time to prepare a lecture.
Any questions? I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either,
clear. but there'll be a question about it
on the test.
The test will be 50-questions The test will be 60-questions multiple
multiple choice. guess, plus three short-answer
questions (1000 words or more) and no
one will score above 75 per cent.
The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a B.
The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night?
Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet?
today, are there any questions about
According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this
class last year...
It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to
this class. teach it next year.
Date: Wed, 5 May 93 14:27:14 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: the gravity stone
I was reading the March/April '93 issue of Lingua Franca (lit. "German
Tongue"), specifically their article on the twelve "skankiest" funders
of universities (Sun Myung Moon, Michael Milken, &ct), when I came
across this gem:
Indeed, many gifts come with peculiar strings attached. "That happens
very often," says American University's Barbara Kushner. In fact,
it's one reason why universities keep all those development officers
and vice presidents on the payroll - to talk crackpot donors out of
their crackpot notions. "Usually," says Kushner, "they can turn
Usually - but sometimes it takes a while. Back in 1961, a man named
Roger W. Babson wanted to give money to Tufts University for the
development of an antigravity machine. "He was kind of a crazy guy,"
allows Tufts Foundation director John Schneider. "Why do tou want to
write about that?" Not *too* crazy: A stock market investor, Babson
was sane enough to predict the '29 crash and rich enough to create a
Massachusetts business college that bears his name. But the drowning
deaths of a sister and a grandson convinced him that gravity was
responsible for much human misery, and, according to Tufts
communications officer Jay Chrepta, he became obsessed with defying
the force that Einstein considered immutable. In 1961 Babson's
Gravity Research Foundation gave Tufts $15,000 worth of American
Agricultural Chemical Company stock, with the caveat that it be held
until 1996 and then used to develop a gravity "insulator." Babson
believed that such a sheild might, among other things, eliminate plane
Tufts took the money. And, eventually, found its way around the most
awkward requirement: By 1989 Babson was dead and his foundation
defunct, so the money (about $750,000 by then) was freed up for use by
the school's physics department. "Almost everything in physics is
related to gravity," Schneider reasons, and, presumably, gravity is
related to antigravity. The money, Schneider stresses, is "being used
by one of our top people in cosmology. It's serious stuff."
Babson was more crank than skank, and Tufts could have applied the
money to legitimate purpose without mortification were it not for one
other proviso: that a monument be erected to the Babsonian vision of a
world in which objects float. Hence the "gravity stone" on the
Medford, Massachusetts, campus, intended, as its inscription explains,
to "remind students of the blessings forthcoming when a semi-insulator
is discovered in order to harness gravity as a free power and reduce
The gravity stone, Schneider admits, "is a bit of an embarrassment."
I want to find this. Trip to Meffa, anyone?
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 93 19:30:06 EDT
From: email@example.com (Name Withheld)
Subject: They're at it again...
** IMPORTANT NEWS CLIPPINGS... *******************************************
"Uncle Bill" is in the Driver's Seat!
January 25th, Redmond WA - Marketing reps from Microsoft Corporation
today announced their new line of high-value sedans - yes, we mean
automobiles! Said Gates: "We feel that consumers are confused by the
great variety of vehicles out there. Every company offers their own
proprietary version of your basic sedan, but there's no standard."
Microsoft aims to define that standard with their new "Redmond" sedan.
Here's just a quick tour of some of the state-of-the-art features that
will make this the best set of wheels you'll ever drive:
o Room for up to six passengers (although the current version
only allows one occupant while the car is in motion.
Microsoft claims that this will provide greater security for
the passenger and vows to look into a true multi-passenger model.
o Free car phone! The "Redmond" includes a SONY(TM) model
TCP-93. This model only allows dialing out, so you'll have
to purchase another phone if you wish to receive calls or
communicate with other satisfied "Redmond" owners. Microsoft
expects that many third-party vendors will be glad to provide
this added value.
o Revolutionary cache strategy allowed Microsoft to design the
"Redmond" with just 3 wheels instead of one. Just imagine
the savings in tire-replacement!
o No speedometer, odometer, or gas-gauge. Microsoft feels
that it can deliver a higher-quality product by leaving off
these frills in the initial offering. This could also provide
jobs for unemployed but enterprising auto workers who wish
to provide this product to you.
o An early prototype of the "Redmond" (code-named "Pong") had
the obvious disadvantage of only supporting left turns. The
production-ready "Redmond" instead offers control-preserving
but control-insensitive steering. The steering column
and directional signals allow you to signal and turn in
either direction, and while the car "remembers" the
direction you turned, it translates this into a left turn
automatically. Great news for people who always confuse
left and right, and Microsoft provides a complimentary map
of your town to aid you in finding paths that only include
o Should you be so old-fashioned as to not want to use some of
these amazing new features, Microsoft again dazzles the
critics by providing the "AmeriDrive" console. This console
allows you to drive the "Redmond" as you would any other
American car. The console supports the only available
standards document (1.7b), so some minor features such as
acceleration, steering, and braking are not fully supported.
Microsoft fully stands behind AmeriDrive and maintains that
it is "not just a check-box"
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1993 14:02:35 GMT
Subject: walk on the wild side
Walk on the Wild Side (WWS)
We hold these truths to be self evident:
1) People should be able to have sex wherever and wheneven they
please. Out in the open is particularly pleasant.
2) Clothes should be worm for comfort, not prudity. It is
particularly pleasant to take all one's clothes off out in the open.
3) Private property is an abomination, in particular the motor car.
4) There are many places around London where it is possible to take
off one's clothes and have sex, without having to hear or smell motorcars.
There are however some impediments to these truths becoming reality.
2) Pretty policemen wearing open overalls and no underwear.
3) Queerbashers, footpads and miscreants.
4) There are never enough people who hold these truths together in
the same place at the same time to realise them.
5) Landowners and fences
6) Nettles and brambles unless you are intro them!
7) Motor cars.
8) Our headbanging ideas about objective reality and beauty/ desire.
Therefore it is necessary to form an organisaiton in order that these
truths shall be made real.
This organisation sets as its purposes:
1) To develop such systems that will enable people who subscribe to
any one or more of these truths to assemble or communicate, either
virtually or in reality.
2) To raise funds and campaign for the defence of any impeded in the
realisation of these truths.
It seems strange but true that to raise the goal of freely walking
naked is to threaten to overthrough all existing social relations!
The badge of this organisation shall be an open pair of overalls
Ask for enquiries and suggestions and smutty letters
Open PO Box
Send email if you want to join in finding places, times in London
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 93 10:16:46 -0500
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (richard g. epstein)
Newark, New Jersey
Specializing in religious retreats
for those who are in search of
peace of mind.
Karma Travel is sorry to announce that the following religious
retreat, scheduled for this summer, has been cancelled. Please check
your Karma travel agent in case you are in need of a refund.
Below is the original retreat announcement
as it appeared in our Peace of Mind brochure.
BRANCH DAVIDIAN WORSHIP RETREAT
July 1-31, 1993
David Koresh, Messiah
It is not every day that you get the opportunity to study with a real,
live Messiah, but you'll get that opportunity at the Branch Davidian
Worship Retreat in Waco, Texas. During this retreat you will get the
opportunity to be initiated into the secret meaning of the Book of
Revelations, a book that only David Koresh truly understands.
Koresh's lectures run late into the night, and begin early in the
morning, but you'll find sustenance in delicious vegetarian meals
prepared by Koreshis, as they are called. Koresh's lectures are
no-nonsense, non-stop discourses on the Book of Revelations and other
scriptures. The emphasis is on Koresh's role as the "Lamb of God" and
his unique ability to bring about the end of the world (or, the
apocalypse) by opening the mysterious "seals" mentioned in
But, be careful! Koresh does not take criticism lightly, and if you
happen to disagree with his interpretation of Revelations, you might
find yourself in a rather isolated situation before the end of this
exciting and invigorating retreat.
Whether you agree with Koresh or not, imagine the profound spiritual
awakening that you will experience when you discover that the Branch
Davidians have a huge arsenal of lethal weapons, and that, indeed,
Koresh does have the ability to bring about the end of the world, at
least for himself and his followers. As you follow him deeper and
deeper into Hell, you will learn to surrender to God in a way which
would not have been possible otherwise. You will realize all of your
faults and the stupid way in which you have been living your life.
Finally, in the final week of the retreat, you will learn why Koresh
stockpiled all of those weapons, and you will meet your Creator in a
blazing fire of glory - just as Koresh, who is a genuine prophet,
All this for just $30.00 per day, plus, all of your personal
belongings, plus (if you are married and male) any conjugal rights
that you might have enjoyed with your wife.
End of Yucks Digest